For Men with ADHD Who Aren't Convinced it Matters

I have had ADHD most of my life and never really thought much beyond the inability to sit still and focus. A few years ago I decided after getting into serious problems with work that I would consider taking some medication, I had a terrible reaction to it and stopped and never went back on it. I started self-medicating with gross amounts of caffeine but that started to have severe impacts on my health and overall well being. Late last year I went back to the psychiatrist and he prescribed a new medication that I have been on sense then. I really enjoyed the clarity it was giving me to silence all of the thoughts and be able to focus and complete tasks. I noticed however, that I was also calmer and less paranoid. I never thought much about that until I started reading the posts on this site and realized all of the issues that I have had over these 30+ years are related to ADHD.
Lately the medication does not seem to work anymore and I am back to my old grumpy self with the same old issues creeping up. I work from home so I do not really get out and I have to be forced to go out at times. When I am out or around people I am not happy or even very relax. My brother-in-law’s sister visited me the other day to talk with me about what she is seeing and telling me that if I do not get some help that I may lose everything.
That got me to thinking a lot; I am getting nervous as my wife has put up with a lot of stuff from me money issues, infidelity and such. She is realizing that she shouldn’t have to put up with all of this after over 10 years of marriage or have our 2 year old be subjected to all of this either. I do not know what to do as I feel like I have tried in the past and either never followed through, failed or something did not work. It is starting to make me depressed and almost like I want to run away from this all.
Reading these posts are starting to give me the confidence to seek out help, I just hope that I can find the right person the first time. The last time I had to get a refill was from a new doctor because we moved and they did not really want to help or even know much about what I was going through or the side-effects I was having.

Excellent article. But this frustrated me:

"If you don’t believe you have ADHD, it’s easy to find out.  Go get a full evaluation from a psychiatrist who knows what they are doing."

As far as I know, a full psych evaluation costs thousands of dollars. Does anyone have any recommendations for those of us who can't self diagnose with confidence, but don't have that kind of money to spend on a full eval?

Hi Melissa My husband and I listened to your teleclass on ADDclasses.com about Anger and Frustration in an ADD marriage.

He finally realized that other couples have the same cyclical problems caused by ADD attributes.  He has agree to fight the ADD now and stop fighting with me (for the most part, early days yet).

My request is that you create a teleclass on the topic of men/women with ADD who do not realize the effect it has on their relationships, similar to your recent blog post.

I like the point form method, listing how ADD attributes contribute to problems, which could be included in a handout as well.  The teleclasses have been a godsend for us as my husband does not read but he can pay attention to a 3/4 hour class.

I have been considering your words to ADD partners and not taking my husband's apparent cluelessness personally.  I have been more able to stay calm.  But I am asking each time for tangible evidence for change.

I have told him that I do not want to be a dupe of ADD and have it jump out at me again.  Or if it does, I need to be able to name it and stop the cycle if he can't.

I have the courage to get in the car and drive away if he starts to get angry.

Thanks for helping partners be more compassionate.  I feel I have grown a lot by being in this relationship. Your advice has reinforced my own path.

Consider another teleclass and know we are listening.  Thanks.  Karen

ps I think I will write a post like yours that reflects my situation:  how this ADD relationship affects me, just for myself for now.  I think it may help me find my way through the turmoil to peace a little faster.  So often I hate to write or journal as it only recreates the "Groundhog Day" feeling I have about our life.  Maybe if I set out a list of how ADD affects the marriage, it will be like a catharsis and create something somewhat objective about my situation.

Glad I found this site. My husband was diagnosed last year at 34. Explained a lot at the time however I am now completely mentally exhausted and at the end of my rope.

Your articles describes exactly the situation. In fact, lately I found we have been screaming too much at each other, with arguments ending with me saying that he just does not get how I feel.

My heart is breaking, I feel completely stuck and unhappy.

As I was reading, I was thinking I should forward the article to him so I smiled when I read you mention that.

I will certainly keep reading here. At least I don't feel so alone.

I really don't know where to start because this article is so accurate and to read it very painful.

I am a 42 year old male who was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD about 90 days ago.  These conditions/circumstances have surrounded me my whole life, but they took the ultimate toll on my marriage recently when my wife filed for divorce after 16 years.  62 days later we are divorced.  A drastic step I was not in favor of but seemed powerless to stop. 

My wife finally reached the point this year that she was exhausted fighting for what she wanted and expected from a husband and married life.  She had given me a list of things that she needed to see change in July.  In August there had not been "enough" of a change to be a different me.  I sought help on my suspicion and self-evaluation in September this year.

I feel mistreated and cheated by the lack of effort in working through our problems as a couple, especially to find that ADHD is to blame for basically all of it.  Not an excuse, but I sought diagnosis, have started counseling, medication (a work in progress) and I have attended my first CHADD support group in our area.  I wish I could have done all of this within my marriage with a shot at saving it for my wife and children.  In both good and bad ways the life I have wanted will never be the same. 

Others do not and should not have to lose living with their children and the spouses they love because they are fighting a battle that is unknown to all of them.  There are great people out there with great lives being torn apart.  If you see the symptoms tell them.  I cannot change my past, but we can help the future for others.     

I have been married to my husband for a year and a half and we dated for 7 years before that.  The crazy thing is that I really didn't see how different he was until we joined our lives and got married.  Sure, he kept late hours, but we both did because we were in school and we worked really hard.  He never, ever arrived to family parties on time, but he wasn't originally from the city we were living in, and his humourous exploits were part of the quirkiness that I really loved about him - he is spontaneous, unpredictable and interesting.  I always felt that he really loved me - we were both sure that we belonged together from the first few months that we dated and that feeling never wavered.  He is the best friend I have ever had.

Then we got engaged and we had to plan the wedding (enter "Father of the Bride" subtext).  He was consistently hours late for appointments.  He couldn't understand what a "wedding registry" was even though just about everyone who gets married has one and I explained it to him numerous times.  I absolutely couldn't get him to nail down an opinion on anything.  It felt like he was being really hurtful and inconsiderate.  He booked the plane tickets for our honeymoon two days before our wedding and we left without hotel reservations booked for when we arrived.  Ladies, we all know that we tend to care about these mundane wedding details more than our fiances, but in this case I think my nerves were understandably frayed.  I was really worried and stressed about everything going well and he wasn't there for me.  I felt like I had to exert the control of a slave driver to get him to contribute any effort towards our wedding.  But he's not a lazy, chauvanistic ass - something was really off.

A year and a half later:  We left his parents' house on Christmas morning, a holiday where he lost his temper, had a meltdown, and left his mother sobbing.  Then he spent the two-hour drive to my parents' yelling about how he wants a divorce and it was a mistake to ever get married (this is normal, he tells me he regrets marrying me and wants a divorce every time we argue, that he married me out of pity, that I am a failure...I have to hear this whenever he is provoked about anything).  What set him off?  He was late getting up and I tried to rush him so we wouldn't be late for the Christmas meal with my family.  

Yesterday we had a conversation where our voices were not raised and he told me frankly and very seriously that he just wants to be left alone to keep his own hours free of any routines.  He mercilessly went on to say that he is just tired of feeling bored.  That was when I really realized that when I married him, I did not get a partner, I did not get a lover, I did not get a husband.  I joined myself with someone who lacks any instinct or desire for communication or interaction with me.  He goes his own way completely haphazardly and I may or may not fall in with his daily actions. He doesn't feel the natural desire to spend time with me and he doesn't have the ability to actively schedule me into his daily routine.  This inattention, lack of empathy, and disorderliness is his natural state. 

I would like all ADHD spouses who doubt that their behaviour affects their marriages to reflect on my experience and the others in this forum.  I would also really welcome any comments or support or commiseration.

My husband has ADD. We've been in marriage counseling for a year and the therapist is sure of it. He won't admit it. He thinks he may have had it as a kid, but that he's grown out of it. He did not! And it's affecting our marriage terribly. Been married 6 years, have 3 delicious children, don't want to lose it all, but my patience and tolerance is waning.

How can I get him, in as nice a way as possible, to recognize the fact that he does have ADD, that it doesn't mean he's BAD or anything like that, and that he needs to take responsible steps in dealing with it?

The post is obvieous for people (like me) with ADHD, but I do have one remark, how am I supposed to concentrate myself long enough to read such a long piece? Sorry I tried but I really cant. I asked my wife to read the post and make it shorter, that helped. Btw I am not trying to be funny, but merely want to point out that it is really hard to read such long posts with such small letters without loosing attention.

I’m 37 and almost positive I have ADHD, I know it causes a problem in my relationship because of my actions w/ anger and selfishness and the way I just don’t have a filter when I speak.

Plus all I hear is “you don’t listen”, and then I interrupt and really piss her off. I don’t mean to, but I really feel I’m being attacked, always. Plus always being reminded of all the mistakes I made in life and in our relationship. I don’t feel I’m out of control, but then too I’m use to myself, which is why I don’t see what others see, especially my girlfriend. She means the world to me and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for her, but I think it is time I really start taking this more seriously.

My INABILITY TO READ EMOTIONAL CUES is bad, but I myself am a very emotional person.

My fear is getting treatment from a doctor that just gives you pills that don’t work & just wants your money & in the meantime I will suffer on medication that might not work and really screw w/ my head. I like my ADHD and how it affects myself @ my job, but it is killing my home life w/ the love of my life and I just can’t control everything. I feel like everything that was once fine is now, not even controllable. My problems & mistakes in life have become a life of there own.

I think I’m just tired of always feeling like I’m a big disappointment to others.

I LOVE this post.  I'm thinking of asking my wife to read it.  It's very long though, and I'm not sure she would read the whole thing.  Also, it's written "for MEN who have ADHD."  Plus, she does know she has ADHD - in fact she is on meds and she has read some of Dr. Hallowell's books, so she might not think this post applies to her.  Maybe I can edit it down a bit and change it to be more gender neutral.  (It's hard when you are in a same-sex marriage - most everything is written in terms of husbands and wives, men and women.)

Anyway, although my wife knows she has ADHD and is on meds, she is not in counseling with someone who specializes in ADHD, and I think she doesn't think that matters.  When I have mentioned it to her, she says "I talk with Dr. so and so about ADHD" - that's her psychiatrist.  But she only sees him once a month, maybe less.  And her therapist, who she has't seen in awhile, clearly doesn't understand ADHD issues.  My wife thinks she is working on her ADHD issues, but I think "all" she is doing is "trying harder."  And what Melissa wirites above "Meds alone won't do it.  Trying harder doesn't work." really hits home for me.  That is what I need to get across to my wife.  I think she needs to more fully treat her ADHD.  I think what she needs are more strategies, according to what I have read on this site.    I think her reluctance is not because she doesn't thinks she needs help, but more because she just doesn't know where she will find the time to do one more thing.  I'm willing to see someone with her if that makes sense, but I'm not sure at this point if it's more important for her to get some coaching or for us to get some coaching together?

The other issue is that her psychiatrist keeps telling her that not everything is about the ADHD - that often when one person in a relationship has been diagnosed it's common for the other to blame everything on the person with the diagnosis.  He has told my wife it sounds like that might be happening with us.  But I think what I am doing is blaming most of what is happening with us on the diagnosis as Melissa writes above, but my guess is to my wife that doesn't feel any different because she still ends up feeling like the bad guy.  And I'm not sure how to suggest that she needs to find more help without her hearing exactly that - that I think she IS the bad guy, which is one of the reasons I like this post so much.  Though I'm guessing if she were to read it, she would still end up feeling "Wow - it really IS my fault."  Or that I'm just making one more criticism of her.  I really feel bad that she feels that way - I know it really hurts and I haven't been successful in helping her see it any differently.

I do know that I am willing to try most anything, because I don't want my solution to be what so many on this post seem to have gotten to - just ignoring and avoiding their spouse and "doing their own thing."  I want togetherness, not seperateness.  I don't want to be joined at the hip, but I definitely want more qualitytime together.  And I have to think that since we have only been together 3 years (not 30 like so many others here), and since my wife IS on meds and always remembers to take them, and because SHE wants more quality time also, that there's still hope of our becoming more connected in our relationship.  And so, I'm NOT giving up.  (Though I have to admit that thought does sometimes enter my head.)

Newly Married to a husband with ADHD and Bipolar I believe.....

Thank God I found this site!  Came across it while searching the internet trying to research what may be wrong with my husband as he is destroying our marriage.

We just got Married in January 2010 and already he is threatening divorce, name calling, complaining about the kids, blaming me for all the wrong in his life and so on and so forth.

My nerves are shot!  His family doctor was prescribing him 300mg of Wellbutrin each day but now he is on one of his deviant days and won't take them.  Keep explaining that you can't take this medication when you want to it must be daily.  He is being so bullheaded!

How am I going to get this man accessed for ADHD, our counsellor says he has it but he can't diagnosis for this condition.  I believe he is bipolar also as the highs and lows show that.

Please help any suggestions?

My husband's never been formally diagnosed with ADHD, at least from what I know, however, he'll go to doctor appointments and come home with Adderall, and now he's on Concerta. He tells me his psychiatrist gave it to him to 'help him concentrate at work'.  He was diagnosed with hyperactivity as a child and was on the old-time meds back then.  We've been to three different marriage counselors and again, no one has said ADHD to me, however our last and favorite counselor has done wonders for our marriage and wants to work with my husband on behavior changes to help our marriage out.  I ran across an excerpt for the book ADHD and marriage two weeks ago and it just 'clicked'.  It hit all the points of contention in our marriage.  I brought this up, softly, to my husband, and he didn't respond at all.  Lately, I noticed his behavior changing again.  Distracted, irritable, grumpy, lack of patience...I checked on his meds and noticed that he refilled it last the beginning of June, there are still pills in the bottle, and it's the end of August.  We've been married for 13 years, and this is a pattern that I'm just exhausted from.  Things get bad, we seek help, mostly together, but sometimes he gets referred to doctors, who then diagnose him with 'something' (I'm not at the appointments), they give him meds, and he ends up treating himself and doing what he wants.  Our marriage counselor would give us small tasks to complete and he wouldn't complete one without my reminders.  I'm tired and lost and wonder if this pattern will ever end, if there is something more proactive I can be doing to help him, or if this is something I may eventually just have to walk away from. 

I just found this site after a tough conversation with my husband over substance abuse and how it makes him feel when he is high.  He is NOT diagnosed with ADD but the similarities I read in this article and from other post heightens my suspicion. I also have a girl friend who has been diagnosed and has given me a heads up about what might be going on. 

So, after our discussion last night and him revealing that he feels he can focus better and communicate better after he has gotten high made me become more curious about the effects of marijuana and ADD. Has anyone had any experience with this?  He is seeking accountability through our church on the issue but generally feels that it is ok because he feels better when he is under the influence. He completely lacks the ability to look at it from my perspective however and doesn't understand how this is impacting me. 

He has actually said that he thinks he has ADD but refuses to seek the opinion of a doctor, I think he may have been diagnosed as a kiddo but never got help.  He generally is an unhappy person and gets angry easily, has a great mind for creative ideas and projects but lacks the ability to follow through or make a step by step plan on how to reach a goal. Similar to the article, I generally take over things for him which gets very exhausting.  I love him very much and believe I was brought into his life to help him through the valley, this blog and articles are helping me to understand ADD better and hopefully will be able to encourage him to seek outside help. Very interested however if there is a link between substance abuse and ADD. On another website I did read on article that indicated that there is a link between untreated ADD and substance abuse. Anyone out there? Thank you for insight.

This describes everything perfectly. Married 17 years -2 children (15 yr twins) we found out a couple of years ago about my husband and adhd. Like everyone else, it was an aha moment . . . that explains so much.  He does understand adhd and how it can effect his work. He did a lot of studying about it before he started a new job. He's taken great measures to make sure he doesn't forget appointments etc. and is doing very well. 

When it comes to our marriage, we seem to fit right into the text book version of adhd and marriage (your book and other found info).  Problem is - we - are just another "problem" for him to have to work on. That's how he describes it. It's enough that he has to work and handle everything that comes his way, why do we have to have these problems too? Can't we just "move on"?   Basically, if you can't see the problems, we have no problems. That makes him a happy man.

So, I become the blame for everything and I'm so so tired. I am ready to give up!  I've read so much including your book. I get it and I try so hard to understand how to handle things differently, but I can't hold back my anger and frustration all the time.  And of coarse, when I get angry, he doesn't want to deal any more and I become the reason for the problem. This includes his "friend - girl" that he has developed a relationship with at work - the place he has learned to function!  He has admitted feelings and an emotional connection/affair while in counseling, but still can see no wrong. So, I am the one who is over reacting - therefore, I become the problem again.  How much do I have to give in before enough is enough.

I do love my husband and we do have some very good times that last for a while.  It seems that we have showed ourselves that we are right together (without the adhd). I know that probably sounds bad. But when we factor in all that it brings to the table, I am asking myself more and more lately, if I  really can  handle it anymore.  He is a good man and I would say he's one of the good guys, but now he's lying just to avoid dealing with a problem.  Why can I see the problem and he can't?

I would love for him to read some of what I've discovered such as your book and this particular post.  I don't think that he will.  It would once again be me posing a problem.  He will say that he will read something and then doesn't follow through. I know, imagine that!  He will say that he wants to work on our marriage and make it work, but at the same time he's looking at his watch and just wanting out of the conversation.  As long as he says it, I don't  think he feels he has to do much more.

I do feel like giving up. At what point do I say I quit and just become an adhd marriage statistic?      I have said over and over again, that I believe with all my heart that we can work on this marriage and make it so much better. I am willing to work and accept the difficult challenges it brings. My faith is good and it helps me through so much. I believe that God brought us together and that, not everything is meant to be easy,  but everyone has their breaking points and I feel that I've hit mine.

Interesting blog post.  What about partnerships/marriages where we both have ADD/ADHD?  I hope we are not just doomed!

I met my husband in 1982.  I had anorexia and bulimia.  I   was in the midst of coming to terms with growing up in an alcoholic home.  And I have depression - a major piece of my family's history from my grandmother, to my mother to many of my siblings.

My soon-to-be husband came riding in on his white horse and rescued me. It was wonderful.

I went to counseling.  I went to al-anon.  I started medication for my depression.  I worked damn hard.  10 years later I was a changed woman - the same inside, but better.  I learned to exude my confidence.  I learned I am just fine.  I learned to take responsibility for my own problems.  I learned I am not perfect, and not everyone will like me - and that is OK.

Now we are 28 years later from when I first met my husband.  18 years after I got-it-all-together - and he still wants to rescue me.  Still says our issues are my internal battles conflicting with his internal battles. 

If I show this to him - I know that I know that I know - all he will see is: "Women whose husbands are currently resisting taking full responsibility for treating their ADHD feel that their husbands are highly responsible for the problems in their marriage. This angers them and they show it. Women whose husbands have taken control of their ADHD – and who have allowed their wives to work with them on their ADHD issues - are much more likely to admit that yes, they too had a pretty big role in their marriage problems. They back off, and start working on their own issues (anger, etc), too.

Take real control of your own problems, and your wife will take control of hers."
 

I know this so well.  He will say, A ha! see it is you too.  I told you!

Believe me, for the first 10 years, I really thought all the issues we had were my fault.  He 'kindly' told me they were - and I could see how messed up I was, so I agreed.  That was a pattern for those years, yes it must be my fault because I have eating disorders, depression and grew up in an alcoholic home.

And he will not let me forget.  Anger and denial. He controls everything with his anger and denial. It is hurtful. And I do not feel hopeful our marriage will survive. 
 

I just wanted to let you know that what you wrote here was well taken by my husband! He actually read it!

This is no small thing! I am giving a copy to our marriage councelor who thinks that untreated ADHD, my husband was diagnosed as a child ( she is a student councelor at a local college ) has no effect on our marriage, I am giving her a copy of your book too, I am hoping it will help her in the future when couples are dealing with these issues when she starts her practice in marriage counceling. I know we are not the only couple that is going through this and from reading the posts it is more common than anyone knew.

My husband took the article very well he related to everything you said, and the way it was said did not bring on that defensiveness he usually has. He actually really read it! It is a wonderful tool to get "it" started. It takes all the blame away from both persons and leaves the simple truth.

I really like the line about if your wife/husband gave you this to read it is serious! My husband goes into a denial so strong that no matter what I say or do, ( I have moved out of our bedroom and into my home office for an in house separation, until he seeks treatment for his ADHD and addiction, and told him why I moved out, he still thinks this is not serious! ) He continues to ignore everything. I gave him this article and he is now talking about making an appointment with a councelor I gave him the number to 3 months ago to get ADHD and addiction treatment ( the councelor specializes in both! )

Wow! This made me realize that the letter you wrote does make a huge impact in a positive way and coming from an outside source rather than from me did sink in. Wether he seeks treatment or not is his decision, but at least it is all on the table now. Really hard to ignore that letter! Thank you so much for writing it and I hope this feedback about it helps!

Is this website just about male bashing?  My wife loves this site and sends me links all the time and it is always the same thing.  Men are the only downfall of marriage and they all have ADHD, but never does a woman have it nor is she ever a problem with the marriage.  It makes me sick.  No doubt some of it is true but it pertains to women as much as men.  I am sick of men being made out to be the only problem.

Ok, so a few months back I found this web site, and read Melissa and Dr. Hallowell's terrific book.  Here is my problem, my husband who has ADHD, we have known for 20 years; was all about it for about 10 minutes until he realized someone else could not do all the leg work for him.  I was more than happy to do whatever I could.  I have told him all along that if he would just do his part, I would be right there with him.  

Next week our youngest son, whom my husband has jealousy issues with, (nobody is sure why) goes back to college, he goes to school 8 hours from us so we don't get to see him much during the school year.  Mostly because of the financial situation my husband has put us in. Anyway, my husband seems to be in complete destruct mode right now.  Last year was my sons first year in college and moving him in was awful.  My husband sat and watched my two sons and myself unpack the car and carry stuff up 3 flight of stairs to my sons dorm.  He was pouting, he does this a lot.  There was no reason for it.  When the pouting got him nowhere, he picked a fight with me and my son. We had a similar situation this past Spring when we brought my son home from college.  My son called home a few weeks before we went to get him to tell my husband that he had an issue with his car speakers and could my husband bring tools to fix the problem so we could ride home with music.  My husband said, no problem.  Well when it came time to actually do it, my husband acted like a spoiled child and basically refused to help my son.  My husband is an electrical engineer by degree, but acted like he had never seen wires in his life.  My son who knows very little figured it out on his own and had it fixed in 10 minutes.  This time, since we had two cars, my son and I just left my husband and did what we needed to do and then drove home.    I am tired of never having anything calm, we never know when my husband is going to go off.  The worst part is, the more my husband learns about ADHD, the more excuses he comes up with for the way he acts.  It's like he bends his behavior to what he learns about ADHD.  

He is seeing an ADHD coach, she has told him he needs to become a part of his family as we have tried to include him, it is he who is excluding himself.  

I have told him I am leaving, he claims he doesn't want me to, he claims he wants to do something but won't.  He is waiting for his ADHD coach to do it for him, or me, I am tired of all of this.  HE claims he doesn't see himself doing this.  How can he not???  Help???  I am at my wit's end, my sons are getting to a point where they are done with him.  I know I can't stop this, what can I say to him to get him to see and not destroy what remains of his relationship with his sons?

Holy cow. This resonated with me more than anything I have read on this topic yet. What really sets it apart, I believe, is the realistic, non-confrontational, and truly helpful tone it takes. More than one very important relationship in my life has been with someone with ADD/ADHD, and I have always struggled with how to express to them what I was feeling or try to get them to help me understand how to fix our daily battles without getting frustrated or seem like I was being mean or belittling them - or, worse, bottling up my emotions and taking it out on them all in one go at a later time.

I am not yet married, but I was raised by a mother with ADHD. I went through the same cycles that many of you describe here, and I feel you - when you say it was immensely frustrating, it's hardly adequate to describe the complex well of emotions you go through. It was a relief to finally move out of the house when I went away to college, because I didn't have to rely on her any longer. This removed a lot of the points of contention between us, and our relationship has grown much healthier as a result. However, in a way it was saddening that, in 18 years of butting heads, of her taking an endless parade of meds and seeing various counselors and behavioral therapists, and of me trying out various coping mechanisms, we never really found a way to live happily together. The only thing that somewhat "fixed" our relationship was limiting it. Now that I'm a grown woman and it's comfortable - nay, possible - for me to be self-reliant for my basic needs, we're able to reconnect emotionally. We've started to break down those walls that I put up all those years to avoid disappointment.

BUT: Against all odds, against the advice of the voice in the back of my head, against the lessons of independence that my childhood has taught me (which are effective for surviving  childhood with an ADHD parent, but pretty damn lonesome in the long-run), I've fallen in love with and am in a committed relationship with a man with ADHD. He and I had been friends for a year before we became romantically involved and our lives became inextricably intertwined, so I was well aware of his ADHD, his personal traits, his habits, his attitude about it - all well before we ever started our relationship. He often confided in me his sneaking suspicions that he had ADHD, and described to me his symptoms, and I sympathized with him. It's tough, I know, I told him. Talk to a professional, I said. It will help. To my knowledge, though, he never did see a therapist between the time we talked about it and the time we started dating. We've talked about it since, too, when a mutual friend fought with him about his constant lateness and neglect of their friendship. I gently explained to him that the friend had a valid point: most people don't think the way you do. Your friend felt unappreciated, and like you're wasting his time. I get your frustration, and I get that you aren't doing this maliciously. I know in my heart that you have the best intentions. And sometimes, I said, I feel like your friend does. I've been dealing with this my whole life, though, I explained, and I've fought about it too much. So for me, I make a point to just shrug off the little things. After all, you've never left me waiting for you in a ball gown before; when it's important, you haven't let me down. And he seemed to be responsive to this. Appreciative, even. But I was only fooling us both. I should have known, eventually the little things build up. I found myself always making sure I had a backup plan whenever I was supposed to see him, or having an alternate source when he was supposed to get something done for one/both of us. One night, when he neglected to get what he had promised to bring for a party with all of our friends (and then started making what I saw as excuses, no less, which was very reminiscent of my mom), I just flew off the handle. I took out all my pent-up anger at him - not only from past incidents in our relationship, but also from the 18 years I had lived in my mother's house - which was obviously very damaging to our relationship.

On the positive side, I also admitted to myself how emotionally and mentally exhausting it is to live your life with such uncertainty, without being able to rely on your partner for even the most basic things. I was ready to confront him calmly about it, to sit him down and have a talk about how I felt, how he felt, and what we were going to do about it. But when the time came, almost immediately after I sat down, I literally could not stop crying. I was rambling, and he couldn't make any sense out of what I was saying. Why? Well, because, earlier that day, in a last-ditch effort to try to understand him, I gave my mom a call, and asked what she would do - how she would feel - what she would want to hear if she were him. Essentially, she told me 'I'm sorry, I really feel for you, but there's nothing you can do. People don't change. It's doomed. Don't ever marry a jerk like him or like me, the way your dad did.' I was crushed. I thought she and I had both grown since the head-butting years of my childhood and adolescence, but she had nothing new to offer: just a depressing confirmation of all that my experience thus far had taught me.

However, I continued to talk with him, and we reached a point of understanding from which we could start working on our issues while remaining together - that was the most important thing; at all costs we would stay together. I still stand by that: I love HIM, not his ADHD. I think the part we had a hard time figuring out, though, was that we were both fighting against that, and not each other. This disorder is such an integral part of our experiences and who we are, though, that it's always very hard to separate from ourSELVES. I understand that neither of us can just make it "go away," but I've reached a point where I'm willing to work on my issues, rather than letting them dictate my future and the terms of my relationship. This will be much easier if my partner is willing to make a conscious effort to not repeat the patterns that I've already had to go through. And he'll be much more willing to do that if he realizes that it's beneficial to him, too, not just something he has to do to cope with my baggage. This post GREATLY inspired me to head down that road, and I believe that this is also exactly what he needs to hear. So for that, THANK YOU.

I have been reading so much on this site and after a particularly bad day, I'm posting.  Don't even know what I'm doing but here goes...

Like so many here, it has been quite a relief to realize that for all these years, I've been dealing with ADD.  My story is already written in so many of these posts.

I have been married 21 years, been together 25.   Fits the profile to a T.  Very hyper-focused during the courtship; distracted completely and when not - completely hyper-focused on something else.  This can be just about anything.  A terrible interrupter; very very defensive. I am always told what I should be doing to fix something, or what a could've done, or how I can say it; do it; hear it; or interpret it(my favorite) differently then everything would be fine!  Cannot keep a conversation on track to save his life.  Is completely unaware of the passing of time (no time management skills at all); spends impulsively; does not pitch in unless asked..... I guess I could go on and on and on....

The only thing I do not see in him is the fact that he is compulsively good about paying bills.  And he is somewhat of a workaholic for his job which he has never had problems with.

He recently was recommended by our marriage therapist (this has been on-going for 15 years or more) that he get tested for ADHD and try a medication.  He has adamantly refused in the past.  Instead of that, he found a friend to prescribe him some Intuniv.  He is on 30mg a day.  I would really like to see him get a real assessment, but he is balking at this.  I am not seeing much of a difference in his behavior.  He, on the other hand, is raving about how his mind is calming down.

I am on one hand, so relieved to know that he cannot help so much of this behavior.  It still hurts deeply, but at least I do not keep wondering if it is because he doesn't care.

Of course, this leads to the question, why if you are wondering that, would you stay with such a painful relationship for soooo long?  And the answer lies in the fact that I have my own issues: raised in an alcoholic home (both parents) with some pretty weird dysfunction.  I have been working on my own issues with this for a few years now, but some of the main ones include a severe fear of abandonment ( I tend to stay in a painful relationship so as not to be alone); co-dependency; feeling the need to take care of everyone but myself; and never feeling very secure about myself.   I have made some really big strides in this and am now at a place where I have to question how long I am willing to see if he is ever going to take this ADD stuff seriously. 

He is a good man in many ways, but as much as he says he loves me and wants it to work; I can't help but notice the lack of action.  Not much in his actions speak to this.  I have been deeply unhappy for so much of the time.  I keep thinking that we are the worst possible combination of personality issues that could work together!

I am feeling alone, desperate and confused.  My kids are all adults and they have watched this and been affected by it their whole lives too.  I cannot tell them how really unhappy I am.  Christmas, which I used to love, has become a bleak time for me.   

Thanks to all who wrote here so I don't feel so alone.  I know I am not.  And that is a help in itself.

I have been married for thirteen years and have two sons ages 14 and 11. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD in elementary school and his parents chose to not address the diagnosis.  My husband and I have struggled for so long.  When my youngest turned 2, I began to notice  many of the signs of ADHD.  I have worked for 11 years in the special education field and have had a lot of experience helping those with physical, emotional and mental impairments.  Although my husband was resistant and at some points furious, I still made the choice to have my son evaluated thru the school district and most recently evaluated by a Neuropsychologist specializing in the field of ADHD. He of course has been officially diagnosed with ADHD and an anxiety disorder and I am now in the process of helping my son get the appropriate help he needs to cope and function in a matter that is positive and beneficial for him and the people in his life.  My husband refuses to do the same. Our marriage has be tough,  I cry and cry.  I try to express to him why I feel the way I do and how much I need it to be better for us as well as our boys,  this has gone on for all the years we have been together and still I stand by him and hope for a miraculous change.  I am aware this change may never come because my husband refuses to care for himself and get the help and skills to cope to make our family a positive, happy and functional unit.  Yes I have told him I want to leave.  Yes, I feel like such a nag to get even the simplest tasks accomplished like having his coat hung on the hook instead of thrown on the kitchen table. Or getting projects completed.  Do I feel like there is no hope? Yes.  Do I feel like I am angry and disappointed all the time? Yes.  Do I feel like I am living his life and ruining our boy's lives. Yes.  Will he seek treatment. No.  Will he get family counseling. No.  Does he blame everything on everyone around him. Yes.  Does he pace, talk to himself, constantly move his legs when sitting, constantly interrupt and have to be in control of everyone and everything around him at all times? Yes.  I told him about this article.  I read a paragraph of it to him.  His face showed the shock.  His pride went into overdrive and he wanted nothing to do with any of it.  I take full responsibility for my actions and frustration, anger and dysfunction for the past 13 years. I attend therapy for myself to learn to cope and deal with life on a regular basis.  I even have the boys seeing a therapist to have an outlet to talk-thru their feelings since they are exposed to so much dysfunction in their home.  Do we argue in front of them, yes.  Is it a constant debate and competition for my husband?  Always. Is it humiliating, embarrassing and exhausting for me and the boys? Definitely.  Do I have serious health issues from all the stress? Yes. And this has been addressed by my MD as well as the therapist.  Has suggestions of divorce or separation been made many many times? Yes. I worry our boys will grow up, move away and never come to visit.  All I can do is pray that I am helping my son with ADHD get the skills to cope and learn to function so he doesn't have the same experience his father has had in his life and marriage.  I love my husband.  If I was done, I would've moved out and left him a long time ago.  But I am unsure what to do or how to live my life and be successful, happy and healthy without his ADHD affecting every aspect of existence.  Do I lay down and never open my mouth to express how crushed my heart is everyday by his lack of emotion, attention, respect and decency?  I am such a fighter for myself and for my boys.  It is hard to not let him know how much he is hurting us knowing that his ADHD doesn't give him the ability to even truly hear what I am expressing.  It is so sad.

Great read. Spot on! --- Would love your take on something I have been unable to locate any information on/about:  I have ADHD. My wife displays some classic characteristics of someone with mild OCPD. She refuses to consider even the remotest possibility that she may have a "disorder" ... of any kind. She is very quick to say things like, "I could have done it differently" / "I know I am not perfect" etc., but in 25+ years I have only witnessed 4 occasions where she acknowledge full responsibility for actions that may have caused a problem --- and never without hours of exhaustive,  laborious back & forth. To suggest that she might be wrong invites a reaction that is difficult to describe. She becomes agitated and defensive while vehemently denying that she has any objection to the suggestions that she might be in the wrong, yet refuses to say anything close to, "Sorry --My bad --I screwed up --__"

I am now going through a divorce when me and my partner got together everything was fine for the first three years we lived together for a total of 6 years and iv had problems with my ADHD i got off my med when i graduated high school because my insurance dropped i wanted to get back on it but she showed no interested in it and wanted to believe that it was something else she didn't believe that ADHD was a real diagnoses she believes the people who are diagnosed ADHD is because they didn't get enough but whippings and before we got married she took me to a crack pot clinic that diagnosed me with bi polar in one visit when i told them it was ADHD but i just went with it because i thought it would make her happy even though i without a doubt told them what i had told them all i ha ADHD not bi polar and then we had a child and got married and thing got worse and i kept trying to tell her that they miss diagnosed me but she was so consumed that i was in control of every symptom i had that i was just lieing to her and then she wanted a divorce and is trying to use that i was diagnosed with bipolar against me i was just wondering what more could i have done because she wasn't willing to realize that i had a problem and want to blame all her problems on me making me feel less as a person and constantly saying thing to people that i don't love my child my child is my life i love her with all my heart and it hurts me that she would say these thing what could i have done 

I am in the mental health field and after being with my husband for three years and having adhd/anxiety myself, I have realized that my husband has adhd as well.   I have brought this to his attention, but he feels like it is an "attack" as he feels like everything is, when I try to show him how his actions are inappropriate at times to say the least and moreover hurtful.    At first when i saw him converse with his friends i thought that he was just rude, but was left confused because he has the sweetest and biggest heart.   I then begin to realize that he can not help it, and that his bx is caused by the fact that he clearly suffers from ADHD.  I am at the point where i feel like i have no choice but to leave him, because HE WONT LISTEN AT ALL, as soon as i attempt to approach him in the most gentle way, he feels "attacks" and attacks me constantly.   It is at the point where i barley talk to him, for fear of us arguing.   What should I do, and how can i get him to listen.   I am at the point where I am day dreaming of duct taping his mouth shut, so he will let me talk for twenty minutes.   who wants to be in a relationship where it feels like their partner could care less about their feelings, this is what I am feeling.   Often times i know that I am right and we would be much more successful if he LISTENS, but he refuses.   I cant understand why if we been married for three years, why doesn't he interpret what I am telling him or asking him to do is out of love.....instead he doesn't allow me to talk saying I am attacking him.....I cant anymore!

i am a wife who suffers from ADHD.  When I got treatment 5 years ago, I started to realize that my kids and husband also suffer.  It is really hard in my shoes being the nag, unloved and feeling alone, with financial issues.  If I can get my husband to read this article, I will let you know if it helped.  I do feel a little hope that if he reads it, he will not be able to deny that this describes our marriage.  

Thank you again!

Hi, I just stumbled on this site as Ive noticed how miserable I am. My husband has ADD and has been in denial his whole adult life. Even though our child ended up with the diagnosis it wasnt until middle school. At that time after years of telling him that he and our child suffered from it was our child put on medication. It was a complete turn around and he is so much better for it. Sadly he suffered in the social department because my husband didnt want him to be on medication that affected his brain and thats a whole other story. Needless to say after filling out the forms for the dr my husband saw a lot of himself in them. He still refused to be tested or treated and theres where its been since then. Now that our youngest child is at college (2 in college actually) he and I are alone. My days are no longer filled with the needs of the kids. Now its only he and I and the way he is and the things he does (or doesnt do), his thought processes are really starting to get to me. Im frustrated with inattention, with conversations, time management, organization, inability to complete tasks, I could go on and on. I feel like a nag. I feel angry. The animosity is growing and Im asking myself, how can I live the rest of my days like this? This is not what I envisioned how our life would be at a mature age. I feel like in 23 years of marriage that I have given so very much. Ive overlooked things, taking tasks on myself, handled all the finances, the kids, worked and so much more and now that theyre gone starting their lives Im here with what? More of the same minus them? I have become a caregiver to my husband. Yes, he works and very successful. I love him but I do think that being successful in life is about all he has. He has no hobbies, pretty much no friends. We dont have a social life together at all. He has centered his whole world around his work to the exclusion of everything. Its all he can really focus on, like he gets hyper focused. When hes watching TV, hes hyper focused. If I want to talk to him I have to do it in short bursts and most time he doesnt remember what I said. Its because his mind is in 10 other places. I know how the ADD mind works and he has it. I dont want him to have it but Im at the end of my rope and I cant see a way to make it right.

 I think that this thread is probably cold, and no one will probably see this , but I suppose I want to note this somewhere. 

My partner and I have just split up.

He hasn't got an official add diagnosis.

I was looking for ways to cope with theway I was being treated, and I found information about ADD that felt like a light bulb being switched on.Defensive? Yes. Argumentative and stubborn? Yes, yes. Impulsive? He's got alcohol, drug and gambling addictions, does that count? He talks over me in disputes. He changes situations in his perspective to make him seem like this laid back goofy guy, being nagged by some psycho mental bitch ( a direct quote unfortunately)

So, I found this information and everything made sense. Everything.

We've been arguing pretty bad this week. I asked him innocently enough who a woman was tagging photos of him in social media. I promise you, I asked out of interest, not as an accusation. His response was that he was sick of me controlling him and he was leaving me! Clearly, not an appropriate response . 

And before now, I've always thought partners roughed the storm. Took the good with the bad. And I have tried everything , without knowing this.

As a last ditch effort, I mentioned that it wasn't a criticism, I care and want to help, and could you possibly have ADD? And was he aware of how it impacts relationships?

His answer? Yes , it probably is that. 

Me, well , why don't you get some treatment? 

Him, because I don't see why I should.

He doesn't see why he should. 

He doesn't want to address himself to help get balance in our relationship. Our relationship has been affected by this to the point he doesn't want to try.

He is close to his auntie and several other people, yet because he doesn't lose it with them, they have been led to believe its me. That because he believes he's a victim , he surrounds himself with people who echo it back.

They don't see spending 20% of our weekly budget on his me time as a problem.

They don't see the recent steady rise in drinking. Or the gambling.

They see him, saying he wants to leave because I nag him. 

And I get annoyed because he doesn't listen, or help with the kids.

Yet, I want my family to work. And I see this is a thing we could deal with , if he took the first step. But, he won't.

So what do I do?

Any advice welcome, but I don't think books help. The amount of words overwhelms him. I don't think he even read links I've showed him.

Its so hard and so sad

I have a case of a wife who is wrecking our marriage with her ADHD and refuses to get help. Refuses to acknowledge her problem. She lives in a chaotic state and refuses to see how it is wrecking our marriage. Refuses to get help. Lies to counselor. Deceives the counselors. What do you do in such a case? We have a small child.

Like so many articles on this site, this one too perfectly captures my and my partner's situation. I REALLY want my partner to read this, as he doesn't seem to understand the pain his ADHD symptoms are causing. The problem is, he won't make efforts to address his ADHD symptoms - he tried medication as a child but it made him worse. He refuses counseling/therapy. When I suggested that we get couples' counseling, he accused me of only wanting to go in order to have "him sit there so a professional could blame all our problems on him". Seeing a psychologist is the only thing he seemed prepared to do, but we can't afford it, so that's out the window. To be honest, if we had the money, I know he would think of some other reason to refuse. 

I desperately want him to read this article and understand the effects of his ADHD on me. But he is just SO full of anger! 

I don't know how to convince him to do it. I feel like re-enacting the scene from Clockwork Orange where Alex is strapped to the chair, his eyelids pulled back and he is forced to watch the screen. I am SO frustrated at always being the one to read, research, try to understand, develop coping mechanisms etc. This time I just want to strap him down and force the words of this article into his brain!

Any suggestions?!

My spouse has something going on.. either ADHD or anxiety.. He's in denial and won't get help. He agreed to marriage counseling but only goes when he feels like it which I still go for myself. It's very frustrating and somewhat depressing that he doesn't acknowledge anything and it's all me. It's a Jekyll and Hyde personality at times. I do stay busy for myself-- kids, friends, outings, work, etc..... but I can't help to wonder if I should divorce and move on with my life. I don't want too but I think if I stay it might be too much for me--- I'm the rock of the family that keeps things going but I need something more for myself. It can be mentally draining at times if that makes sense. The marriage counselor understands but believes I should keep nudging him to come which I will-- but I also believe it's like he is there to be a referee.. UGH The therapist did bring up the possibility of medication to him but spouse said 'no way'... I just don't know what to do anymore...

This post has been incredibly helpful. It really describes the evolution of my marriage. I am angry with adhd symptoms, and the recent counseling that my spouse and I have been in seems to have helped my spouse with day to day tasks like putting things away, and acknowledging forgotten responsibilities. The major crisis in our marriage like the defensiveness, denial of what was said or done, and some of the more personal attacks that hurt the most have been minimized. As a matter of fact, our counselor has encouraged my spouse to accept adhd as it being just a part of life, and that it is easily fixable. I'm also encouraged to let go of the past, since my spouse is convinced that he is completely aware of his adhd behavior.  I would definitely be up for letting go of the past if the behaviors weren't currently still in my day to day life. I am all of these feelings listed in this post, and I do see a divorce. My spouse refuses meds, and the roller-coaster of feeling like my spouse is aware of his symptoms change day to day. I believe he's convinced himself of his awareness and therefore reason is given to blame me for our problems all over again. I don't know who my husband is week to week. Nice and loving in the evening,  and by the next morning I'm peppered with defensiveness. I'm safe in my silence. No fighting back is my new motto, and even though I'm questioning whether or not my spouse has additional mental health issues aside from adhd, I do believe I was loved beneath all this muck. Knowing this helps me, and it's what saddens me the most. My spouse loves me, but I want to be treated with dignity and respect too. Is this asking too much, I don't know. I've never been married to anyone else.  Just trying to figure it all out.

Hello everyone,

I feel compelled to write because I am desperate at this point and need some direction. I have read through all of your posts and have found myself feeling both relieved and despondent, mostly because I feel like you all have shared parts of your stories that I have lived or can totally identify with, and I can empathize with the anger and pain that you have experienced in your relationships. I am not married, but I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. I am in my mid-30's, he is 40. My boyfriend has been diagnosed with ADD and Generalized Anxiety disorder. He knows he has ADD and willing accepts the diagnosis. He sees a psychiatrist for medications (takes Adderall and Xanax). He has seen several therapists but none currently - he never sticks with one for long, either because he ends up disliking the therapist or the therapist leaves their position. However, he blames everything on his ADD. Everything that goes wrong, that he does or doesn't do, is because of ADD. From my perspective, it's like he uses ADD as a crutch and a way to avoid  taking responsibility and not having to make hard changes instead of just fixating on medication and a magic pill that doesn't exist. Tonight he broke another promise he made, and I confronted him about it. I did not yell or raise my voice, but told him pointedly that he didn't do what he promised he was going to do and that he can't get upset and say he doesn't understand why when I say I don't trust him. He immediately got defensive and started yelling and raising his voice, saying that I was "going crazy and losing it over something tiny and stupid." Then he stormed off to the bedroom. Granted, the promise was something small, but it becomes a big deal because it's a chronic thing of him not meaning what he says. He doesn't keep his word or follow through on things in general, and there just comes a point to where I get so fed up with putting up with this type of thing from him all the time that I just want to scream!! So now I'm here sitting in the dark with my computer, crying like usual, feeling sorry for myself and wondering where I went wrong. I don't understand where or why he thinks I fly off the handle when I bring stuff up in a calm and collected manner? I'm in constant conflict with myself over "should I say something to him"? "Is it worth telling him AGAIN?" & "You know it will cause a fight as soon as you open your mouth because HE can't hear or deal with anything negative that he does and then you will be feeling miserable for for the next several hours and there will be no resolution." I feel like the lives we lead are separate and disconnected, but at the same time, entangled in a dysfunctional way. I hate the person I am becoming. I feel angry a lot of the time, towards myself and towards him. I hate myself for not being able to get through to him in a way that will help him and I also hate that I have lived like this for so long. I feel resentful towards him for me not having a life anymore, no friends, no outings, no fun, no nothing, because everything revolves around how he feels or what he wants and needs. I get no romance. Period. I get no physical intimacy, yet I know he watches porn frequently but hides it and lies about it. I do get occasional sweet gestures but nothing that requires thoughtfulness or mental effort on his part. I am so lonely that I can hardly stand it at times. I feel like he doesn't love me in a healthy way, like two adults in a relationship, it's more like he loves me because he needs me for what I do for him, that's it. I know he is struggling and I have no idea what it's like to be him and what he lives with, but he also doesn't know what it's like to be me, because I'm here, living with him, and I'm having to deal with it too. However, he always has to be the one who is in the most pain, the most anguish, the most stress. I can never compete with HIS problems because mine are so petty. I feel like I sacrifice so many of my wants and needs and ways I would like to live in order to keep the peace and let things slide. He is constantly leaving messes around the house - piles of laundry, papers, bills, food/dishes, shoes, things he collects for no apparent reason (flashlights), leaves food out/bread unwrapped/crumbs and stickiness everywhere, lets the trash get to overflow point before it gets taken out - that I have to remind him to pick up after the mess piles have grown out of control and I am tripping on things or I just can't stand looking at the mess anymore. His car sounds bad and I have asked him over and over to take it in to get checked out for a tune up, to be proactive before any issues get worse, but he just won't do it and says "it's fine" and he gets angry and defensive whenever I bring it up, so now I am constantly worried it's going to break down one of these days because he won't take care of it and do normal car maintenance. I feel like I am the parent and he is the child. I have told him all of these things that I feel, and how badly I want to help him so that we can grow together instead of apart. He says he will try to do better, but anything he starts to improve upon, even for a little while, never lasts. He relies almost exclusively on medication to function, or what he calls "existing". When he runs out of medication, or needs a refill, it is like living with a hostile, moody, cranky-ass 2 yr old. When he is on his meds, he is flighty, erratic, interruptive (interrupts me when I'm talking or talking constantly throughout a movie or tv show), gets hyper-focused on unimportant tasks while ignoring important ones, distractible, fidgety, chews his nails off down to the nail beds, has a "tic" to where he chew on his lips and the insides of his cheeks and it makes a "sqeaking sound" that is highly irritating, he eats constantly, stays up all hours of the night and sleeps until 1 or 2pm. He has become an obese weight now, and frequently complains how none of his clothes fit him right, that all his pant zippers are busted, yet he won't get new clothes or try on new sizes when I have offered to even buy him new ones. He did just buy a new pair of shorts but he bought them in his old size and ripped a hole in the crotch 1 week after wearing them and complained that they were made cheap! I have tried to talk to him about us eating more healthy meals together and not made it about going on a diet or anything, but he won't and instead buys usual junk food and sodas when he goes grocery shopping. I don't feel special or loved or appreciated by him. I just feel like a giant bitchy nag who is never satisfied with anything that he says or does. I can't speak my mind or be honest about how I feel because he gets all mad and flips out for no reason, so I bottle everything up inside. I hate that I can't be my true self anymore. I don't see how he is happy at all, but he says he is happy with me. I feel so guilty because I just don't understand how I make him happy with how I feel and act? I have asked and asked him to go to couple's counseling, but he refuses and says we don't need it. Truth is, I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I fantasize more and more about ways I can leave - about moving out and getting out and away from him and this misery. I have put up with the lies about trivial things, the defensiveness and mood swings, the inconsistency and erraticism for so long now and I am just so tired of it all....the only answer I keep coming back to is that I have to leave him. I don't know what else there is I can do. If anyone has any suggestions or opinions I am all ears. Thanks for listening. I feel for you all.

Melissa,

This was good for me to read this thread....coming here after attending your couples class with my current wife, after (officially) one failed marriage ending in divorce, after another (so-called marriage by paper only) where my choice in a partner was no better at seeing the problem than I was (blind leading the blind ) which ended rather abruptly with her running off with another man after only 2  years together as a married couple.

Starting from the beginning for me....was the day I got up one morning and jumped in the shower getting ready for work....(ho hum...whistle while you work, la la la lala.....)  just another day right?  In walks my first wife and says..." I'm leaving you.  I'm leaving  right now and not coming back"...and proceeds to grab a bag of things she had quickly put together and walks out the door.   I literally....got out of the shower still naked with shampoo running down my face while wiping my eyes....to try and stop her or talk to her and am standing on my front doorstep in this state and watching my wife (not for very long) drive down the street and out of site without having a chance to say a single word...wet, naked as the day I was born....with shampoo stinging my eyes and barely able to see and feeling like a dump truck just poured a load of cement on top of my head standing there looking like a complete idiot...and feeling, even more so...than the way I must have looked at that moment.

This was where, it all started for me.  I was (if I remember?) 32 years old at the time and had officially been married for two years....

I was also completely unaware that I had ADHD...or even knew the first thing about what ADHD even was at the time....other than an acronym with the words...."hyperactive"...and.... "attention"  in it.

If you look at those two words.....they carry with them a weight....that is so significant, that not much else really matters in terms of the reasons why so many marriages run into trouble and fail due to not understanding the significance... or .....the impact and the effect of how these two words, can have such a dramatic and devastating effect on the state of health of relationship and  marriage and particularly....the impact of what the word "Attention"....has for your SO in terms of how this deficit....makes her/him feel.

You asked for our feedback to what you said....and this is my contribution to this blog.

I've read through almost every comment made here until I had read enough of the same thing to see exactly (from perspective) what the problem is.  This is just my opinion (and my feelings on this)...so for what it's worth....here it is.....

(speaking to those on both side of this issue....and stepping back and taking a closer objective look without my own personal bias's involved.  As best I can do this coming from the ADHD side)  I have a strong opinion about this now myself....so in order to express a strong opinion..my personal judgments and feelings will come into play.  If I have to be nice about it....it will water down how I say it and it will not come out right in order to accomplish getting my point of view across.  Fair warning here....I'm not trying to be sympathetic, empathetic, or non judgmental to anyone including myself here....but I'm also not taking sides including my own. In how I see this.....everyone is in my sights and is fair game but especially....all the men who have ADHD who are reading this and want a straight up opinion from someone who's been there before. 

It ain't my first time at the Rodeo.....as they say, since..... I'm 59 now.......not 32..... standing on my front doorstep naked with shampoo in my eyes watching my wife drive off down the road without giving me the chance to say a single word to her or unable to stop her.

Yeah.....I'm that guy. 

So here's what I think...directing mostly, what I am saying to the men who have ADHD and are committed long term relationship and indirectly..... at the women who do not have ADHD....but are married or in an intimate exclusive relationship with someone who has it.

DISTRACTIBILITY is the #1 criminal here.  The ADHD symptom – inattention- leads to a wide variety of BIG problems.

FUCKING A.   There's that word again "Attention"....or in our case...inattention to our SO and EVERTHING that happens because of this one simple easy to understand FACT.  It ain't rocket science.  Cause and effect....cause and effect.....cause and effect.....cause and effect.  One more time so I'm clear on this.  CAUSE AND EFFECT!!!!

IMPULSIVITY is particularly hurtful in the financial arena.  Not all ADHD spouses have this issue, but there are many instances when an ADHD spouse’s family finances are in ruins because they bought toys instead of paid the utility bill, or had a spending addiction (EBay, anyone?), or they quit their job without having another in hand.

I'm hyperactive predominantly so....... "impulsivity" is a big problem if I'm not aware of it or am not paying "ATTENTION".  What was the problem again...as I sat there with my mouth having wide open standing naked on my front door step????  Not being aware I had ADHD.....and not paying close enough attention to the problems until they were too late. 

But...going back to the real main issue with my ex wife (or any of my past relationship problems)  inattention to my SO....as the #1 source of conflict.  Everything after that...is just adding insult to injury and is not the main problem even though this is what seems to be the focus on both sides without understanding exactly...why you feel this way.

The biggest reason that is.....is from an inability to communicate which is where the real disconnect takes place and why there seems to be a dissatisfaction and inability to connect..... which is also part of this "Attention" problem we have.

side note:  Medication and self medicating plays a role into this.  I don't care what medication is being used here to manage yourself and your anxieties......"DEPENDENCY"....is the main source of the problem....not which drug you prefer or choose to use outside of the ones that are being prescribed for ADHD.  And that INCLUDES the ones prescribed for ADHD as well......it's dependencies or any shape, form, or size...is at the root of the problem.....not the problem itself.

Which leads me to the next point I want to emphasize and make.  Dependencies....lead to....unhealthy Co-Dependent problems in your relationship.  Period......end of discussion.

So why do I say these things that I seem so sure of myself?  Experience....that why.  Every single thing that I am saying here.....I have either done, experienced or am experiencing myself....in one form, shape or another....either now or in my past.  I'm that sure.

Now taking another BIG ISSUE....in terms of communication and the way people with ADHD tend to see things boils down to approach.  In terms of approaches....you have top down....or bottom up.  The top down approach...is the problem in terms of how we tend to see things and the perspective we have because of it.

If you don't understand these two approaches.....you aren't understanding what the problem is.

Here's a good example....of someone who is using a top down approach in how he sees a particular problem....but also saying....this is a good example of someone who is Gaslighting you...in how he is trying to convince you that....The Top Down approach is actually a good thing and how the Bottom Up approach is a bad one.. 

Listen to the Bullshit....and see if you can't see where the problem comes from.  I'll give you a hint....it's within the initial assumption that he presents right from the start.  He implies....that his point of view is right for everyone...and assumes that his audience...is the same as he is. As he says it.....This Top Down, Bottom Up, Inside Out way of thinking is wrong...and he's trying to convince you of that....yet, he's the one using this Top Down Approach himself.....but is either "pretending".... or has "convinced himself of his own Bullshit" so much....that he actually believes he's not doing it....while at the same time....attacking and criticizing those...(as he feels) are doing the same things he is and appears clueless of this fact?

 In truth......he's actually accusing himself, because he's actually the one doing the very thing he's criticizing and pointing fingers at in blame as being the very people who are NOT doing what he's doing...and trying to convince you othewise.

There is an unspoken assumption and inference being made.... that is wrong to begin with.  That''s the problem.  Even if you agree with him....you're still buying into the problem since he is making this fatal error in "assumption."

The Fatal or Critical Error in our thinking....comes from this Fatal assumption we make... that everyone is else is just like us.....and it's everyone else who's the problem.

Everyone else....doesn't have problems with giving "Attention" in an inconsistent way the same as we do.  They also don't have problems associated with impulsivity like we do either which makes us behave in ways that makes our inability to focus and pay Attention....even worse.  That's the problem.

Top Down Processing......instead of.....Bottom Up Processing and  Thinking and taking that approach instead.  As I see it....this is the problem and why?  Change the Thinking....and change the approach.....and things will change for the better,  That's the bottom line as far as I'm concerned.

Speaking from experience.

Glen Beck....and his personal theory on himself....not being the problem.  http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/03/25/what-is-the-top-down-bottom-u...

Top Down vs Bottom Up Processing explained    https://explorable.com/top-down-vs-bottom-up-processing

I sent my husband this article yesterday... and he read it... well he said he read it in a disorganized, ADD way, which means, he read snippets, but he remembered the financial bit, he remembered the fish oil bit, and ... he wanted to work on things. Amazing!!!! So happy. I know, this too, will get lost in the ether, but, I can run off this bit of joy for months. 

I am shocked. I did NOT think he would read it, but he did. He says he will never go on medication, and I imagine he will not likely go get a formal diagnosis, but for now, I am content. I don't need perfect, I just need someone willing to give a little. 

Thanks Melissa. You made my year. 

I first came accross this site apx. 2 yrs ago.  A huge, stressful (ongoing) financial tax mess drove me to re-evaluate/research a lot of the communication issues in my relationship with my partner of 20+ years.  Previous issues had always stemmed from personal/emotional miscommunication - a messy area - but when we were going through facts/figures for a tax enquiry and we couldn't communicate (emotional stress involved in the amount of debt no doubt contributed to this) I realised that the problem was far more wide reaching than I had ever realised.  This is when I came accross Adult ADHD.

I showed my SO some info on adult ADHD - he recognised it as very like our relationship - but that was it - no follow on.  I lost interest in looking into it - what was the point? We'd both need to be on board -  he seemed to fit many ADHD traits - but I couldn't research them away!

Now I find myself looking more at other women's stories for inspiration not on how to improve 'our' relationship with his possible (but undiagnosed) ADHD but rather how to survive in what I find an emotionally draining household arrangement.  Let's be flatmates until the kids grow up : (

Something needs to change - looking into ADHD might aid this - but he's not interested - or wasn't when I showed him a couple of years ago.  Should I email him Melissa's post on Men in Denial?  In the past I have used email to more effectively gain his attention on some very personal and emotional issues.  Once it worked very well ; ) but subsequently on another issue he was angry with me.

I am torn between trying to do something positive to alleviate this horrible situation (not good for him either) ie: lets attempt to find out if he has ADHD - and then possibly move on positively.  Or just grin and bear it until the kids leave home and we can disentangle ourselves financially.  I think I'm kind of scared to bring up the subject again - as rejection/denial by him - to look into/get help for a condition that might be causing/contributing to our problems - might leave me in tears yet again, or angry and frustrated. Even if I got a positive response - do I really want to do this with him - I just don't know.  I have years worth of repressed, anger, frustration and resentment.  If all the pressures of day to day life were removed we could probably get on fine.  We do have shared interests - but should we be living together?

In fact shortly after the birth of our youngest - now 15 - I suggested moving out with the kids and that we could continue our relationship - just not live together.  This turned into us all moving to a new house for a fresh start - It didn't work and within a couple of year and during a period where we were both briefly unemployed things started to unravel again - this has been a constant pattern ever since.  I'm so sick and tired of it - and reckon he must be too.

What to do - try to convince him to work towards a positive solution (but possibly end up very upset if he ignores me) or grin and bare it until I can run??????

Sad.

I am content and blessed as the ADHD male spouse; and, I respect your listening to your sister in law's sister.  

Without couples friends and a long term fellowship with a Men's Group, my marriage wouldn't have lasted.  About two sentences that began "Marriage, the Path to Wholeness" helped me to see 'selfishly' why I wanted to recommit myself to a long term marriage/partnership.  And, the book by the recent interviewer with Ned  Hallowell (Deep dating or Deep listening) conveys in his writings, it seems, a similar significant message.

I've been vital and confidant in a long term career; some of my job history before I met my life partner had as many holes as Swiss cheese.  I accept my wiring now (limits and strengths) and find Dialectical Behavior and Mindfulness classes, attended with very competent midlife persons, to be fresh learning and exchange (classmates include a male police officer, a Corporate and Construction Manager, a career electrician, a deacon at his church etc.).  Spouses are not allowed to attend; as such, 'for me', after years of stalemating, trying to find the right resources for "both of us", I see skills I need to learn better and--in a true sense-it is for me.  

You have a child.  I have two grown stepsons and an 8 year old grand/Godson.  Having kids and being a grandparent changes us hormonally as men (see "The Male Brain").  So, it isn't about 'staying together 'for the children', it is, however about "staying together, at least as intimate friends,-- for me--because it is a broader extension of mutual love and support.

Ned Hallowell's journey as an ADHD adult, he and his wife's communication commitment, his blog and books are pivotal, as was "ADD , A Different Perception" (Thom Hartman); Hartman's work has given me the context I need (men need) for being seen in a larger group context.  Michael Gurian's work addressing young men's specific developmental needs for mentors (a "second family") has been poignant.

Last, as millions have just seen the mind 'bending eclipse' (how past eclipses proved Einstein's paradigm shifting theory), we are seeing before us the non-local/non-linear aspects of existence front and center.  So, the 'out of sequence ADHD mind' is slowly being validated by hard scientific research (see Larry Dossey's work) in 'modern' science (I.e. quantum physics/mechanics.....(see last line)*

Note, the only reason I haven't mentioned these blogs and Melissa's most significant pioneering work is that ADHD resources for adults have not existed for many years, let alone (and fewer even yet, until now) for supporting the Non-ADHD or ADD partners.  Understandably, there is a great deal of 'catching up to do' (venting) by the Non...spouses or partners.  While these blogs are painful as they reflect what we've heard constantly as the ADHD wired one, they are accurate.

So, I hope this helps.  Know that your sincerity as a spouse in seeking out and using trusted resources to learn and gain self-awareness (as ALL must do to have decent lives) can be benefitted by using the resources/webinar offerings on this website (ADHD&Marriage book, etc.) together or alone.  

Finally, be kind enough to yourself to ask, what do I need, what blessings do I have, and what does OUR life shared together in communion with others give to me.

 ....And, how do I experience feeling like I belong and am sharing what is "most alive in me".  Warmly, T.

*the quantum realm is very "alive in me"!  Ask my beloved wife!!

I can't handle this part of ADHD.  He blurts out personal (to me) details when we're in company, and I just jokingly say 'oh he has no filter', and people don't really know what I'm talking about, but this makes it very difficult to socialise, as I'm afraid of what he is going to say all the time. He has toned it down a bit when I spoke to him about it, but he still does it and can't seem to help himself.  Even amongst complete strangers he will start blabbing on about sex etc.  It's like his brain is short circuiting or something. 

Well, apparently marriage means that this household appliance gets to live happily ever after on memories of how he was before.  As long as I am "nice" and have no complaints even after he blurts out something absolutely awful, invalidating, untrue and inappropriately defensive, this will work out just fine, right? As long as he's never questioned, and always positively reinforced, it's all good.  As long as I always assume he has the best intentions toward me no matter what he says, everything is good.  No conflict.  I just wait in silence for my number to come up and for him to decide he's married today.  None of this was a problem before, but once he decided the commitment was there on my part, he took it for granted that he can treat me however he finds convenient for the moment.  Well, yay.  I'll be just so grateful when my number comes up and he goes to the trouble to focus on someone else for a minute and I got to be that person for the moment. Trying not to be resentful is a full time job in itself.  I was done playing chore wars years ago, and don't expect any help, and only ask once on the off chance I get some help.  Not a problem.  But being dismissed and invalidated for complaining about something that came out of his mouth is too much.  If he can be deliberately nice, and deliberately mean, there's conscious choices being made.  I will run out of forgiveness and care eventually, and what started out as the love of my life will end me.

I have followed this site for 1.5 years. During my marriage to an ADHD husband I would read all these articles for advice and everyone's comments for hope each evening. Endured months of rage tantrums, swearing, was ignored on my birthday and being disrespected as a wife. I wasn't well and saw a cardiologist as my heart started to race so bad. We were married for 9 months when these behaviours of gaslighting and verbal agressiveness started I had no idea that it was domestic violence until a year later when I needed to see counsellors because I was so distressed.

After 2 years of marriage, I asked him to leave. I loved him for the hope we would be and believe a real marriage becomes when two people genuinely love and care for each other. It was the toughest decision I made I know it's the right one. Six months later I am happier now and my health is gradually improving everyday. Psychologically, I am still in counseling. I should have left a year earlier. If you're reading this Run and save yourself, you have a beautiful life ahead of you.

Your last posts speak volumes (though I doubt those volumes are what you hoped.)

I have late-diagnosis ADHD. I'm a reasonably intelligent man and I'm aware that my ADHD has significant impact upon others, in fact, I agree with most of the content of this post in terms of the frustrations of ADHD behaviour. I particularly relate to defensiveness and a tendency toward Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. That said, I find the issue to be more complex. Since the appearance of articles like this, whilst they are supportive, I've found that ADHD is now the scapegoat and focus of all marital problems. This has now got to the point where NOTHING gets through to my wife because she can only see that ADHD is to blame. I find myself in a setting where she has a continuous sense of disappointment in me, my appearance, my earnings, my contribution to the home (or apparent lack thereof) my motivation or my interactions with my son. Essentially, she is the victim of a terrible marriage and ADHD is a convenient target. I find she takes sides against me by default, always assumes the worst of me and always doubts my ability to deliver even before I've begun. Yes, sure ADHD DOES stop me from delivering, but the overall lack of trust has a huge impact upon me. She has fantasies of success, and often uses phrases like 'I thought we'd be in a bigger house by now' or 'why can't you be more like....' Sure ADHD has impacted upon my ability to earn, but now it's become the sole reason for our lack of success, and nothing else is taken into account, not her approaches to spending, or lack or earnings, just me. I continually pay for the sins of others, she has experienced maltreatment at the hands of her father, and former partners, and yet somehow those failures are projected onto me, and the always have been. Since my diagnosis, it's as if a new validation of my failure is now available for her to blame. I could go on. I KNOW I'm awful to live with sometimes, I hate myself daily for my failures, but it was ME who knew I had a problem and ME who pushed for diagnosis. I am not someone crashing through a relationship with zero awareness of my impact upon others. I feel that this article contains a lot of truth but FAILS to show that it's a more complex picture and subject to the idiosyncrasies of each marriage. In short, this post has been used as evidence to show me how everything IS my fault. When I try to refute it, the post is used to show me that I am just reverting to my defensive/aggressive ADHD nature, so I find myself unable to object or I am seen as reinforcing the ADHD archetype. How does it work when someone with a complex and diverse condition like ADHD is married to someone with complex emotional needs such as (undiagnosed) vulnerable narcissism (which is entirely denied) or issues like body dysphoria or eating disorder? I genuinely am stuck.