"People who are always disapproving" are individuals who tend to express negative opinions or criticism about others' actions, choices, or behaviors frequently, often seeming to find fault with almost anything, creating an overall critical and judgmental attitude.
Key characteristics of someone who is always disapproving:
Constant criticism:
They readily point out flaws or perceived mistakes in others, even in minor situations.
Skeptical outlook:
They often question the motives and intentions behind others' actions, assuming the worst.
High standards:
They may hold excessively high standards for themselves and others, leading to frequent disapproval.
Non-supportive demeanor:
They may not readily offer encouragement or positive feedback, focusing more on negative aspects.
Body language cues:
A disapproving look, furrowed brows, or a dismissive tone can accompany their verbal criticism."
This is my SO when you stand back and see this as a collection of behaviors. This is her problem, not mine.
My problem is: having ADHD with RSD means, constant criticism and disapproval ignites and trigger my RSD which makes a constant battle to maintain self esteem and "feeling good about myself". The battle is real...but it's an internal battle with myself, not my SO.
Separating these two things, makes it eaier for me to see just where the problem exists:
RSD ( fear of rejection and being criticized ) vs getting criticized and constabtly having your flaws and mistakes pointed out to you accompanied by disapproval.
Not taking it personally and not letting this get "inside my head" is the solution.
Part of that is recognizing she does this with everything and everybody no matter who they are...I'm not excluded.
This is her problem, not mine....as this description does not accurately describe me in the big picture, ongoing, on a day to day basis.
I have other issues but this one is not it.
Being objective is my biggest ally in this problem. She's not like this in every situation all the time...but, she is like this by default...a lot of the time. It's not black and white, but it definitely affects me negativity having RSD. Often enough, that I'm triggered more days than not in the big picture.
Comments
Hard to be objective
J, I'm sorry you're feeling criticized.
When in the marriage, I must have looked to my then husband much as you described your SO. All unconscious expression of general distress must have seemed like criticism. He thought I was disgusted by him physically, which was not the case. He reacted strongly to me coming home in a low mood because work had been upsetting. When I was knocked out by a virus, he was animatedly trying to confront me about my behavior, like my fever was really disapproval of him.
He wasn't entirely wrong. Our marriage was not treating me well and I was frustrated with him. But my feelings for him were a lot more loving than he thought.
To have asked of him to be objective would have been pointless. We only perceive what bears a meaning to us. If very wary of disapproval, that's what you'll see.
I know this because I nowadays often imagine that people think ill of me. It's more comfortable to take a professional role with people, being there for them without personal emotions or hopes. I've learned over the years my needs and emotions don't matter.
Could you ask her if she is unhappy or feels insecure? Perhaps that's why she often furrows her brow. Maybe it has little to do with you, and you could feel better if she explains it.
Therapy, Identifying Triggers ...Swedish
I started therapy recently to work on me. Identifying triggers was mentioned as well as Symptom/ Response/Response. This post is on part...me doing my homework and pinpointing the exact cause of my triggers leading to anger. My SO admittedly can be judgmental and critical and within those two things come things about me she's complained about. Disapproval is linked in there with judgment. If you think about it, a judgement is a conclusion about a person. Wrong or right, it tells you what they think of you in the form of a label: not smart, uninteresting, lazy, etc...These descriptions, undermine your self esteem after a while. I don't see myself as not smart or stupid so that I can easily see past that. Uninteresting ( boring ) and lazy or irresponsible starts to cut deeper. If the person ypu love things you're: stupid, irresponsible, lazy and boring....that doesn't paint a very good picture as it's presented to you. That's what the judgement does.
In therapy...it was mentioned that my SO will get the chance to to tell the therapist what she sees.( what I may be missing ). I look forward to seeing what she says and compare what I'm hearing in those judgmental comments and see if they line up.
An example Swedish
This is one of those silly moments of no consequence when I was actually trying to help her in the kitchen. She was complaining that her hand was hurting ( from arthritis ) and she had a heavy cast iron pot in her hand that needed to go on the stove behind me. I offered to to lift it for her as she stood there holding it in her hand. I stood there waiting for her to put it down so I could move it for her.....pause....... She then says in an irritated voice: "well, take it from me....Sheese....it isn't rocket science. I wonder about you sonetimes."
Obviously, she expected me to take it from her hands....which is a lot harder to transfer the handles from her hands to mine instead of just setting it down a letting me pick it up and move it. It also made no sense for her to walk it half way to the stove when the whole point was me taking the load from her and walking it all the way myself so she didn't have to carry it...because her hands hurt. That was the point...so she didn't have to do it.
This was clearly a case of the both of us thinking two things that weren't lining up. I was waiting for her to do one thing, and she was waiting for me to do another. No big deal right?
But as I read that situation...she expected me to somehow know ( mind read ) that she wanted me to grab it from her hands instead of her putting it down. And when I stood waiting for her to put it down....she implied I was stupid ( it's not rocket science ) and threw in "I wonder about you sometimes". Her judgement was, I was too dumb to figure it our and she ( by default ) is more capable or superior or...what ever? Than me because it's so simple.
I didn't see it that way at all obviously....and it made no sense for her ( with hurting wrists ) in my mind to keep holding it and walking it halfway to her destination which at that point, she might as well walk the extra two steps to where she wanted it?
But the issue isn't that this situation happened or that two people thought different things. The issue is the judgement and the "it isn't rocket science " comment including the the disapproval at the end.
That's a huge part of what makes me feel insecure. The already formed opinion or judgement that I'm just not smart enough to figure it out. That right there, is the trigger.
In that one situation...I said nothing and let her be wrong. The incident was meaningless. The comment and the judgement ( conclusion ) is what tells me what she thinks of me. And that's a big part of what makes me feel insecure..which is the very thing she really hates most.
For now, I'm just identifying these moments as triggers that make me feel insecure. Letting it go it much more difficult when these judgements start piling up. Like I said...each one comes with a specific label...whether it's said outright or implied like this one.
Helping
When it comes to gender roles and housework, there's a world of things to be said about initiative, responsibility and women generally doing unfair amounts of emotional and practical work... It's not ADHD specific. I don't know anything about your life or work division either, so let's not get into it.
But if I were in acute pain, and someone said they wanted to help me, I'd imagine the point would be for them to make the pain go away. Immediately. Not stand around waiting for me to do another painful thing. There is no other superior logic than pain relief for someone in pain.
People who say "is there anything I can do for you" but do nothing when I'm in obvious distress are worse than having nobody around. They not only don't see what needs to be done, and don't help out, they also ask new things of me, namely to instruct them when I'm already overwhelmed.
I believe this is why family happiness sometimes thins out before big holidays.
Swedish
Expectations and gender roles have a huge part to play in this. I believe this to be true as well. And without going too far down that rode for the moment, my role in the kitchen IS helper by default, because I'm literally not allowed to "cook" in the kitchen having to do with the control thing again. ( a different topic ). My only approved job there is helper and sometimes sous chef. She's the head chef you might say, and can also be a little like Gordon Ramsey in her delivery too. Lol That's part of it as well. There's also the ADHD thing of low tolerance to frustration and impatience going on too. I understand that part, but years of doing frustrating and meticulous work has taught me to control that out of necessity. In my younger years, definitely not so much! I recognize that too. And aa you said, no one is their best when in pain. This is all in the moment. I get that.
I've been going through times when I've had my worst moments of anger. Fortunately, there haven't been many so I can replay them I'm my head. This is one of her biggest issues, which I'm sure, she'll mention if asked. In these moments, I've realized some common threads. This is also related to me fewlng insecure:
- my feelings are hurt
-I feel unimportant
-when I say something, my feelings are minimized and dismissed.
-At this point, is when I get angry.
The trigger is having my feelings disregarded ( dismissed ) and the situation minimized to the point that there's no acknowledgment or apology.
Further, being accused of things completely unrelated ( at least to me ) which only makes me angrier. Also seemingly, a whole lot of empathy missing.
This is why, I'm finding the attachment theory so helpful. For an avoidant person...they value their space and their need to feel like they're not losing their independence. That's a big deal. For me, empathy for her involves understanding this. If I lose sight of that, I lose my ability to understand her in the moments when she gets defensive or angry when my feelings are hurt if she is, "exercising her need for independence ", and it actually hurts my feelings. That doesn't mean her behavior is justified or okay...but it means that if I try to engage her about "why" she acts that way or expect an answer ( or an apology ) in that moment...I'm not only going to be disappointed, she's likely to dig her heels in further which will only make me angrier. In these moments, is where my anger goes through the roof. This is the cause, or every time I've lost control of my anger with her consistently.
That's a big trigger. And it can be traced to my feelings being hurt first...then having them dismissed, immediately after. And the common theme is her, protecting her need for independence, space and distance from me. I could reword that as: acting as if I didn't exist or...acting as if you're single...but yet, you aren't. Having your cake and eating it too kind of behavior possibly.
This is now what I'm beginning to understand better, so I can understand her. Putting myself in her shoes means...understanding how avoidants work first. If I can understand it, I may not like it, but at least I won't blow my top and feel so hurt about it and not take it personally.
Isn't that being objective?
PS
( avoidants ) appear to have 0 ability to communicate to you, anything I just said at times! Lol
Also important to remember!
Her need for space and your hurt
Sorry about this J.
I share this experience of having a partner who withdraws a lot and doesn't communicate. It feels like a major waste of one's time, doesn't it? (Here I am, making myself accessible to you, asking to know you deeply, and build a life with you... and you just turn away, never lift your gaze or show any interest in our future.)
It's hard to feel belittled or dismissed. Your explanation brings to mind the Invalidation Triple Threat in the book This Is How Your Marriage Ends. (You're hurt, and the one causing the hurt says you shouldn't be hurt, since you have no reason to, since it's just your perception or logic or emotions that are wrong, and then declares they will hurt you in the exact same way next time around.) It's a fast way of eroding trust and thereby the marriage.
I had this version of the triple invalidation threat: He dismissed my complaints and my need for change, since he thought I was the privileged one. He had always been worse off - sadder childhood, depression, dysfunction - and he thought me greedy to voice my needs and concerns whenever I felt a need for change. He himself would hide his emotions and mental state and instead erupt at me occasionally about things I'd believed we'd agreed on, but he didn't feel he'd had a choice about. He felt his need for change was ignored by me (he wanted me to be nicer, ask interested questions, touch him). I wanted to do those things less and less because he kept making big rifts in my trust, which I tried to restore but had little success with.
I think the worst relationship destruction happens in that aggravating distrust. Both people think the other needs to apologize for hurting their feelings, because both are perpetually hurt. Both think the other needs to change, needs to show more affection and be less defensive. But in the end none of them feels secure enough to be the bigger person in any given interaction. I think this kills a relationship more efficiently than anything else. I still can't believe it happened to us. We'd chosen intimacy and time together over everything else (careers, money, social life). I for my part tried everything to save the marriage. But here we are. I've lost all trust in him.
Do you trust your SO? Do you feel the two of you can repair hurt? Can you solve issues by consciously choosing actions? Is there a downward spiral? I think those are the most important questions to ask oneself to see if the relationship is buoyant.
Trust, Swedish
I started to answer your comment about things I've experienced in the past but stopped and was considering the questions you asked. The first one really made me stop and think. Do I trust my SO?
And my honest answer is: I don't know? There are things I trust, and there are things I don't trust. And the first question I ask myself is: do I trust myself? Do I trust myself to know what I'm seeing? Do I trust my own cognitive bias? My own insecure attachments? My RSD or any other related issues that cause distortions in my thinking?
The answer is no. But I've learned to be a better judge of my own feelings and awareness of all these things to get a better sense of my own experience and how it relates to others.
At the moment, there are things I don't trust about my SO which I've noted and tried to pay attention to. This is not a global condemnation but more: things she does.
I don't trust that she's gaslighted me at times. I even called her out and she admitted that she realized she did. I don't trust she's projected and accused me of the very thing she's doing. These are narcissistic traits that I don't trust.
You were mentioning your ex playing that : I'm more of a victim game as I'm calling it. No one is more of a victim than me....because I had it worse than you did. That goes hand in hand with refusing to take responsibility and blaming everyone else. I spent a lot of time in therapy on that one because my ex-wife was notorious for playing that game. As if, it a competition. My SO doesn't do it to that degree but it shows it's head at times. I don't trust that either. I was also playing that game with her at the time.
What I don't trust the most is this "thing" ( below ) This makes me feel unsafe and hurts the most when it gets turned on me. I see this as our biggest problem together because it's the very thing that keeps my RSD going and triggers my anger when my feelings get dismissed. This is just a vicious cycle because my anger is legitimate...but also part of the abuse I received growing up with a hyper-critical/ hyper-judgmental parent who did this same thing. My SO is not like him, but the pervasive negativity, complaining and this hypercritical / judgmental pattern still feels the same as it did as a child. It triggers me...then I cannot trust myself to know if I'm overreacting and making a bigger deal about something that is not quite as big a deal as I make it sometimes. If I was more secure, this might be far less a deal ( albeit...super annoying and hard to be around at times ) than my feelings tell me it is. When I get triggered....I simply cannot trust my feelings fully but, I am aware of what's happening and can see it for what it is.
But this is also what I don't trust about my SO because I don't believe she can see it, or is aware of this part of her. Which means, I'm still left to learn how to not let it get to me as much...and see " this thing" for what it is. Also, I feel, this is caused by the abuse she experienced growing up, by a parent who was probably just like this with her. ( her mom ) and....the sex abuse by her brother in law.
This is what I don't trust.
"People who are "hypercritical and judgemental" are often described as fault-finding, censorious, carping, or nit-picky - meaning they tend to excessively focus on flaws and readily criticize others, often with very strict standards, making negative judgments about almost anything.
Key points about hypercritical and judgemental people:
Excessive criticism:
They go beyond constructive feedback and focus on minor details to find fault, even when not solicited.
High standards:
They may hold themselves and others to unreasonably high standards, leading to frequent criticism. ( perfectionism )
Negative focus:
They tend to notice and highlight negative aspects of situations or people more than positive ones. ( always seeing what's wrong first ...and a strong need to vocalize it )
Potential underlying reasons:
This behavior can sometimes stem from personal insecurities, a need for control, or a desire to feel superior to others."
I don't get that she needs to feel superior but sometimes it comes off that way. I still think she has OCD ( as well as me ) which can also make people be this way according to things I've read.
But again, my trust, based on not feeling safe is from fear of rejection, which I also don't trust. If I'm getting constantly judged and criticized by a person who fits this description...then the best defense against that is my own ability to judge myself accurately, and critique myself to know if they are right or wrong? If someone gaslights me or is projecting....I'll know it if I have a firm grasp of myself and who I am. I'm much better at that than I was in the past but I'm still not "good enough" for me in that area. The better I am at judging myself, the less I'll be affected by someone else's judgement, approval ( or not ), or comparing me to others saying..."you're not good enough ".
I already know my SO was made to feel she wasn't good enough by the stories I've heard about her mom telling her she wasn't, so I think that's where that comes from. Her mom probably fit this description too...I'm guessing? But she also has a need to compare me to other men she's been with and pointing out that ( in essence ) I'm not living up to that standard ( the other men ) in certain ways. It may not make me feel inferior necessarily, but it does makes me ask: why would you do that? Are you intentionally trying to make me feel bad by trying to make me feel inferior? That's what I don't understand? Her intention for saying things like that not the effect it has on me? Is she attempting to humiliate or emasculate me? What's the purpose for saying something like that? It's certainly leaves a negative taste in my mouth, and definitely doesn't make me feel loved because its so insensitive. One time in particular....this lead to one of worst times I got angry as this incident, was after a long string of criticism lasting all day topped of with this kind of comparison. What I'm curious now is, did she even hear a word that I said as to why I was angry? I did tell her...but all she remembers is the me, getting angry part....not the why. Symptom/ response / response.
I don't trust that either because I don't know the answer why? Which is also what you were mentioning about it "happening again" because no cause and effect connection is being made.
But these things can mean a number of different things for a number of different reasons that I don't exactly know which one of them they are? My fear of the unknown is also something I don't trust because if I start trying to diagnose another person ( as I'm not an expert ) to know what Im seeing, I could be wrong? And acting on an assumption or thinking I'm right when I'm not, could be disastrous too.
I also get a sense my SO has done the same with me and "thinks she knows" sometimes. I fully believe ( by her accusations and judgements) she believes things about me that aren't true. But she thinks they are.
I don't trust that either, as well as those judgments that come out from time to time. I can't stop them from coming ( which can be hurtful and make me feel unsafe )...but I can accurately judge myself, to know if they are wrong....or...something I need to work on. If they're wrong, just allowing them to stand and do nothing is better than fighting over it.
Ultimately, in any of this, taking responsibility for what's mine, not blaming her ( or anyone else ) and not being a victim is what I can do.
If I learned anything from therapy before was the concept of being a victim ( to abuse in the past ) but not behaving like one or having victim mentality. The biggest part of that is not to blame other people for what you're responsible for.
I don't think my SO has gotten that memo yet entirely....so until she does, I don't necessarily trust that part of her.
I also don't trust what my last therapist was trying to teach me about my ex-wife calling it: " topping from the bottom." A sexual reference for the submissive partner in sex, actually being the one in control. ( on top )
He was trying to get me to see...this was what she was doing. I couldn't see it then, but, I'm beginning to see it now or at least, recognizing the same things now with my SO. This is something I really don't trust because its full on manipulation. It caused me a lot of pain amd grief but my ex-wife appeared to take pleasure in it. The taking pleasure in hurting another person is sick in my opinion. If that's what's happening with my SO and our sex life ( lack of ) and she's withholding as a power and control play and lying about a physical condition because she takes pleasure in it....I don't know if I can ever trust her again. Especially if she takes pleasure in doing it!! That could be a deal breaker.. I haven't explored that enough yet to know if this is whats happening. At least right now....I'm not assuming she's doing this...but I'm not counting it out either. If I find out this is what she's doing....it may completely change how I see her and with it, my ability to ever trust her again.
Back to, I don't trust myself more than anything else at the moment. The point of getting back into therapy to answer these questions.
An Observation - Space
This is just an observation in connection to my last comment. Making more connections and observations as I go...
Why?
I'm right back to square one again. Avoidant Attachment...distancing behavior.
Last night, it happened again. This time, I was paying attention ( in real time ) as this behavior unfolded. We'd spent two days at home together and even I was getting a little cabin fever and asked if she wanted to go somewhere and get out of the house. The answer was no : "I want to stay in ( my ) house". Interpreting a little: this meant I want me time, alone, to recharge and recover from the holiday. I get that...nothing wrong with that.
But she also had the ...I woke up on the wrong side of the bed attitude and the negativity started to show.
This is it right here. She's tired, a little cranky and needing space. But instead of saying those words ( or speaking period ) she starts acting out in ways that make you want to get away from her. Namely, making negative comments about me that are personal in nature. That's it. This is an inability to say what she needs ( speak ) so instead...does things to get you to move away from her and create more space. Super frustrating.
I chose to call her out ( this time ) because I was getting tired of this negativity aimed at me.
Instantly, the immediate response was to gaslight which really made me mad.
In the end, I called her out specifically, on gaslighting me ( by name )..and then asked: why do you do that?. She tried again, throwing it back on me. I threw it right back saying after being accused of doing the same thing saying: "I may say negative things about other people...BUT NOT WHILE THEY'RE STANDING IN FRONT OF ME !! I don't do that with you ever...tell me one time where I have?
She tried again and I threw it right back saying again: "You're gaslighting...Why do you do that with me? "
There was no answer. But she stopped. Later, she came back and said she was sorry that she's such a hag to live along with some other self derogatory names and reaffirmed that she really does love me.
Within the conversation, she did confirm that she thinks this way about herself and says equally bad things about herself too. I believe that too.
This is all about negativity and this avoident pattern again. As it describes: people with this attachment tend not to like themselves or other people. I believe this is true.
And my insecure attachment style says: People with this attachment tend to like other people, but they don't always like themselves. I also believe this is true...in fact, I know it is. ( for me )
So why does she do this? This is why....right back to square one.
At least last night...I was paying attention and I didn't let my anger get too far out of hand. It did show me one more of my triggers however...
Gaslighting....trigger, ✔️
Gsslighting really makes me mad.
The reason why to Gaslight
Just looked it up
"To avoid accountability for their own bad behavior."
"To control the victim’s behavior."
A. I'm not a victim
B. My reality is just fine. It is bad behavior.
End of story
The black hole of me and I.....
One of the first things our counselor recognized with us, (12 years ago) and talked about was: independence vs Interdependence...You can be single and be Independent...But the product of attempting that Independence within a manogamous relationship, only sets in order a whole list of sensitive subjects...(eggshells) "He hurt my feelings," "She uncaringly disrespected me" And on and on...Our dependency needs to be Intertwined....Two being one flesh...If I, or she, demands or even desires independence in our marriage, (which is one of many reasons, we are going separate ways) then we are just bringing many more needless traps for the relationship to fall into...Which only eliminates any possibility for a healthy attachment...Being our own person (which we all are) isn't a demand for Independence...Control must give way to acceptance and respect for a marriage to flourish...
example: The kitchen...I don't care how often she cooks or works in the kitchen...It's her kitchen right? Right, but, the same principle has to work for me...It's my kitchen and she can't take up an opinion about how much time I spend cooking and cleaning....(acceptance and respect)...Now I will add, there is always shifting realities that change when I, or she, is busying about in the kitchen...Like the how, and how often we use it, and the state we might walk off and and leave it in...But that is separate issues from a mutual respect mindset...Control, manipulation and making demands in our relationships never end well...
It's like sex, sex is one of first things a spouse will weaponize...And justify it!.... And it just goes on and on....No remorse, grudge holding, no apologies, and so on....Without a conscience that is seared in love and respect above all things, the possibilities for high emotion and dysfunctional behaviors are endless...
Thank You C !!
You hit the nail on the head!! This explains so much.
As I said earlier, I trust my SO in some ways but not others. She's actually a very responsible person in almost every way imaginable. We actually work well as a team and interdependenty in that way quite well....logistically speaking. This sounds like quite a stark contrast to your soon to be ex. She pays bills on time, she's not late for work. She's disciplined in her work habits when working from home. Held her job for over 17 years....By all acounts...she's a very responsible person. I would also put myself into that category for most of my life with the exception of housework and taking care of those things. Having said that, we make a good team with me, following her lead in the housework department. I have no "man's work", "woman's work" mindset or role issues there. It's just work that needs to be done.
But emotionally speaking, this is entirely a different story Including the two as one flesh part which is intimacy.
I remember my last therapist, who kept calling my ex-wife a "person who refuses to take responsibility "....I finally asked him, "what is a person who refuses to take responsibility? "
His answer: "A victim".
In respect to my SO, and this Avoidant attachment style. Avoidents "valueand prioritize " independence. It's like it's in their DNA it seems. Loss of independence is threatening, and they're very protective of it, and guard over it.
And emotionally speaking, they appear to have issues breaking free of this thing they have about being independent. As you so eloquently pointed out....you can't be interdependent when one person refuses to go there emotionally or physically speaking.
And with me....I keep hitting up against that including, feeling hurt when she's insensitive to the fact that I'm trying to be closer to her than her comfort level...trying to be interdependent in that way too. And this distancing behavior, subconsciously, is designed to push you away which it does quite well. And it does hurt.
And the second I call her out about my hurt feeling...she instantly goes into a defensive posture...so as, not to take responsibility for what she just did. The gaslighting it seems, is an instantaneous defense against taking responsibility and her coming up with all kinds of excuses or alternative realities to justify doing so.
The other night, after we talked, and I explained myself a little more she mentioned her family...how they seen okay with her behavior. Well yeah, when they're all insensitive and ( as I watch ) complaining and negative and bicker back and forth with each other ( the Bickersons ), negative, and like to be the victim everywhere they go.....of course they don't mind, they're all in the same "victim club" together. They all identify as "a victim ". I do not.
So at the end of our talk, she says: "can you try not to be so sensitive ". I said I would.
But where's the problem here? Am I "too sentive" ...or are they ( her family ) completely "insensitive " ? That's how she's seeing it. It's black or white.
I see it as what you're saying. Independent or interdependent. Including what I just said. My SO is very responsible, we work interdependently well together as a team in non-emotional settings. In this one context however when feelings get involved and I trying to do one things...and she's going back and forth between the two. Sometimes close...sometimes independent. She can't seem to fully commit and bridge that gap.
I on the other hand, can.
That's the problem. And she refuses to take responsibility for that part of her because she identifies as a victim more often that not.
And again. I don't. I don't need to be defensive, when I own my shit. I can say I'm sorry and just move right along and do whatever it is I need to, to correct that situation.
Independence
Some of my closest relatives have a great need for independence. They can't be asked to sync with others in time or space in advance, they dislike planning and they articulate it's very important everybody does exactly what they want in every moment. They seem to want to crawl out of their skins rather than be caught in others' expectations.
To me this simply doesn't seem relationship-oriented. They are all single, and I understand why. In a family, someone is almost always waiting for you, hoping to find time together with you, preparing something which you are welcome to share. For me, in a family with children, it seems pretty normal. But it seems alien to my relatives.
It makes me tired at times, since I am the shepherd dog trying to keep family together. But I'm alone with my perspective - that we are individuals but also a group. Being part of a group or a couple can be a great strength.
Makes Me Feel Unimportant, Swedish
This is probably the biggest reason that I've been upset or have gotten angry which seems to be a running theme. Being devalued and left feeling unimportant. I said this directly to my SO in another one of the few times I've been really angry.
It was our one year anniversary together and we had plans for dinner. I was looking forward to it and excited. I come home with less than a 1/2 hour to leave and she's asleep on the couch...not dressed. I wake her up and she's groggy from going out shopping with her sister who wanted to come home amd drink. This was completely unplanned until her sister called her that morning. I'm like...what about our anniversary dinner?? She accused me of being upset that she spends time with her sister. I'm like...what!!?? Where did we go from having dinner plans for over a week for our anniversary...and you going out spontaneously to shop and drink with your sister, and now it's a 1/2 hrs before we go...you're not even hungry or dressed and somehow...I have a problem with you and your sister spending time together?? I was both really hurt and angry. I managed to hold it together and say....let's just go and see if we can salvage this evening. We went...but I wasn't happy. The evening was ruined amd somehow....there's some strange misdirected blame ( or accusation ) that I don't like her spending time with her sister??? Huh????
And next years anniversary....I took her out to dinner again and she didn't even remember a card. Two years in a row....it just showed me how important I am to her.
And I remember distinctly saying the first time quote: "Wow, I'm feeling really unimportant right now"
If you asked her now, I doubt she even remembers. But she definitely remembers me getting angry. That part I'm sure she'd tell you and say I have a problem with anger.
Was I angry? You bet I was !! And feeling really hurt. The second year, I chose not to say anything so we could have a nice time together knowing if I brought it up ( the card ) it would be my fault somehow.
When I finally told her about it...all she said was "now ( I ) feel bad "....like it's my fault for making her feel bad?? To this day...she's never acknowledged how I must have felt in either situation.
I felt devalued and unimportant is how I felt. Coupled with "belittling"....I don't know which is worse? They both make me feel equally bad every time she does it.
If you don't think I don't know how it feels...I can tell you without question that I do.
Back to ....avoidant attachment. I will say this however....when she's in "connected phase " she's fine. When she goes full disconnect ans goes independent ie. withdraws and moves away...this is the end result.
Her priorities are off
The anniversary story tells me your SO has no ability to prioritize. She's caught in the moment and lets others (like her sister) decide what her day will be like. This sucks. I have this with several people around me. We're mostly ok. But then there's a special occasion. You've made an effort. You've planned something. You focus. And then their disability to prioritize hits you hard.
Like you, I'm used to this. I don't take any of it personally anymore. Of course it's insulting. Of course it tells you you're unimportant. Especially since they sometimes are able to focus on other people or plan other things. The reason they don't focus on me is that they take me for granted - they know I tend to be generous. It's not pretty. I still believe it's disability.
Ive come to terms with it. Since I no longer have to live with this kind of mind, I can cherish my loved ones with their disability and also host them occasionally.
I'm Really Sorry
That you have to deal with this Swedish, I can deeply empathize with the pain. And thank you for putting this into perspectictive: prioritizing. That helps a little to simply identify the problem. And you're absolutely right. The second anniversary ( no card ) I knew exactly why when it happened. She was so immersed in her painting ( and buying products ) it was the only thing on her mind at the time. That was more obvious than letting others decide what her day will be. As I recall, her sister was having a bad day and feeling lonely ( for some reason ) and it was a rescue mission of sorts including the over drinking. My SO is not a big drinker, that's not her problem. Her sister IS however, and she was sucked into doing that with her sister's need to have a drinking buddy. Wow, I just realized ( bingo ) this is her sister's pattern. Her sister, is a big party giver and host to weekly or semi weekly gatherings...doggy play day, puzzle day, Mexican Train Dominos....with a group ( if possible )...but never alone. Even if you go there for a short visit, she immediately offers you a drink.
Pretty obvious now. Her sister's was "saddness" was because it was the weekend and she didn't have a drinking buddy. ( the call was first thing in the morning ). It was all about the drinking which ultimately ruined our evening. If my SO hadn't drank, their wouldn't have been an issue. She wouldn't have ruined her appetite and wouldn't have had to sleep it off. That's really what I was mad about, not her visiting with her sister of course.
Mmmm. It's seems obvious now. Thank you for enlightening me.
And I'm so sorry you've had to deal with it too.