There is a lot of discussion at the moment about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (what RSD is, here) and some number of people in my seminar have noted that this description of what it feels like to have ADHD is spot on. While Dr. Dodson (the MD who is the primary proponent of thinking about ADHD in this way) would have you believe that RSD is characteristic for virtually everyone who has ADHD, that has not been my experience as I have worked with couples. But for some, it's quite relevant, and helps provide insight into how their ADHD impacts themselves...and others.
The 'and others' is the topic of this post.
I recently received an email from a woman married to a man she believes has RSD.
"I have read about rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) and this explains SO MUCH about my partner. This is just as big as him being diagnosed with ADHD. For our entire relationship I have been so perplexed by why he was such a people pleaser, saying and doing things that he thought the other person wanted to hear/have happen even if he didn't believe it or feel that way. And in the beginning of our relationship, when I would calmly bring up something I was upset about or something that he did that hurt me, broke trust, let me down, etc. he would just mock me and act like a child. He cannot handle anything from me that he perceives to be negative (even if it was small). Conversations that could have been quick and we could have moved through quite easily turn into a huge deal, with him deflecting, making up things that aren't true, turning it back on me and bringing up things that aren't related just to make me feel bad, focusing on my "tone" and the way I said something (if there's just a tinge of what he perceives to be annoyance he can't handle it -- and sometimes I'm annoyed and I want to express that I'm annoyed, I can't say everything in a sing-songy way with a smile on my face, that's just not going to happen). It escalates into an argument and totally gets out of hand.
What do we do in our situation? I really don't feel that I can have a rational conversation with him or bring up anything that he perceives to be negative towards him, I can't work through things with him.
I'm not in denial about my anger, and I acknowledge that I have unchecked anger. But I don't know what to do when I can't even have a calm conversation with him without him twisting things up, deflecting, exaggerating about something, turning on me or accusing me of something, bringing up something completely unrelated, etc. Luckily he doesn't mock me anymore, because I made that clear that that is not okay. But he also does kind of mock the conversation, say things that aren't true or that he knows will get a rise out of me just for the fun of it, and he'll have a smile on his face or laugh. It drives me nuts. I don't feel acknowledged, heard, validated, and nothing gets resolved, I can't work through the issue."
As is often the case in relationships that are struggling, both partners play a role in how their interactions unfold. In this case, BOTH partners are 'giving themselves a pass' on good behavior, for different reasons. The non-ADHD partner has allowed her frustration with his extreme sensitivity to become justification for her own 'unchecked anger,' while the combination of the ADHD partner's RSD (i.e. it feels awful when he feels critiqued) and her anger 'justify' the ADHD partner's continued anger and ridicule.
According to Dr. Dodson, medications such as Clonidine and Guanfacine may help diminish the pain of RSD for the ADHD partner in this couple, while the non-ADHD partner needs to engage with the idea that her anger - left unchecked - is also quite damaging to the couple's chances of success. The special challenge in this relationship is that his RSD means that standard ways of carefully expressing anger don't work as well as they might due to his hypersensitivity. That makes this a problem that the couple must work on together. This is a multi-faceted problem, which will take a multi-dimensional approach to treatment. Here is what I recommend:
- Treat the RSD as a target symptom of ADHD - see if medications can take away some of the rejection sensitivity
- Both parties would benefit form developing a mindfulness practice to help them (eventually) learn to recognize and acknowledge feelings of anger as they set in, but help them engage with those feelings less
- Both partners need to take an objectve look at their own behavior and assess it relative to what a healthy relationship looks like (or the relationship they would like to have). If you don't want an angry, disconnected relationship, the first place to start improving things is with yourself - so stop blaming your partner and set a high enough standard for yourself
- Use a therapist knowledgeable about ADHD to help keep difficult conversations calm, and learn important conversational skills, including...
- Develop conflict intimacy skills (this is is a specific conversational style that includes non-aggressive speaking and non-defensive listening)
How to diminish anger in your relationship is a big challenge for many couples impacted by ADHD, not just those with RSD. I will be releasing a self-study seminar to help couples learn the skills they need to calm their intereactions around May of 2018. More information is here.
- MelissaOrlov's blog
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Comments
My husband definitely has
My husband definitely has/does this. He will turn himself inside out to do or say what he thinks I want to hear to the point that I actually have no idea what HE values or stands for. Example: I am a practicing Catholic, my faith is very important to me. I teach in a Catholic school, go to mass regularly, etc. We raised our two boys Catholic. DH has not gone to church with me in a long time and when I ask why he hems and haws. Finally he told me last week he never really believed in God or wanted to be Catholic, he only did it because it was important to me. Um...really?? I thought our shared faith was a cornerstone of our marriage and parenting and now after 23 years you tell me you only were going through the motions to keep me happy??? Gee thanks. So what else in our marriage is not real?? What he doesn't realize is that what he thinks is reasonable and accommodating is actually wussy and empty. It's hard for me to respect an adult who has no values or firm center of their own, they just wobble toward whichever direction THEY think will keep the peace. That's not being genuine or authentic and how do you have a relationship with someone so unformed??
Nice tips....
Probably the most destructive part of our relationship has been the inability to communicate....It's much better now after 10 years of work (learning about each others wiring)...But the tendencies are still the same...I like to call attention (point out) to bad and unacceptable behaviors, words etc...that feels destructive to a loving and harmonious relationship...But because of the defensiveness and the fact that having your actions constantly called into account, a person can definitely struggle to calmly hear, when they know it's just going to be another talk on where their not measuring up....And with emotion to top that off....
I've learned if I'm to be fair (with the difference in how our minds work) I must accept some things I wouldn't chose...And be careful to limit my *pointing out attempts* to area's that are no brainers (abuse and unacceptable issues, etc.)...Also I've learned to communicate by text (no emotion) keep it kind, and to the point, and not repetitive...(which I have a tendency to do w/ words, when she immediately turns defensive, without even hearing my concerns)...She knows I'm a talker, and my quietness and walking away has impacted her much more positively than my verbal attempts ever did...
Based on divorce rates, there are many marriages add/adhd or not, where the refusal to communicate is a problem....
I do believe your points and Dr. Dodson's are valid (RSD), emotional hyper sensitivity is real for many of us, but something brought us to this point...It's really a wise thing to confront it, nothing can't be improved on, except the things we refuse to confront....
I appreciate you....
C
I had a really great post and I lost it.
I'll come back later...and redo it again.
People don't remember what you say....
they remember how it made them feel.
I'll include this to that very true statement:
Sometimes ( I believe most of the time )....those feelings get lost from our conscious, working memory....but they are never truly gone or lost.
A part of us ( our subconscious thoughts ) ...remembers. That has a lot to do with it. That's what needs to be addressed , and what a huge part of the inability to communicate is all about.
For me, I didn't use to know this or what the problem was. I do now, and can talk about it and communicate "what" the problem is to someone else. I'm not defensive about it, I don't get angry about it, I'm aware of what this is and "why". I understand where my feelings are coming from ( mostly )....enough to know that it's not because of someone else.
I can't really be angry at them, if this is my problem. Knowing even that much, is where the conversation begins.
I believe, trying to communicate with someone, without this starting place, is extremely difficult or impossible...if one or both people....are not on the same page together, at the same time.
In my mind now, this is the first order of business.
Case in point.
I had something really important to address with my SO ( also ADHD ) and in the past, anything involving her, especially an implied "wrong doing ", would immediately get met with anger and defensiveness and getting it thrown back at me.
I decided to carefully compose a text, using "I" words and "I feel " in an effort to not blame or accuse. I decided to text so I had a chance to completely get my feelings addressed and to feel heard.... In the past, those two things were consistently invidated by the defensive reaction. I texted her early in the day and saw she read my text. I got no response. Some 6 hours later, I called on the way home to ask about things I needed to get at the store. It was clear from her tone, she wasn't happy.
When asked, she said : "I'm angry about that text "
The thing is, it was a very nice text in its overall message. It said how much I loved her and how much I wanted the two of us to be together no matter what it takes. It asked for her to communicate how she really felt on a problem I was having, telling her, she could help me understand, if only she would open up and share her feelings on this sensitive subject. This was made very clear.
As a result....anger was her first reaction.
Which was why, I chose to text, instead of talking to her in person.
When I arrived home, I went about my business as usual and even said, we don't need to discuss the text. She seemed okay with that.
The next day, in the morning...she did respond briefly with her answer to the actual text. It actually gave me some relief to my fears....in about 3 sentences. Lol
Anger and defense first....( 24 hours later )....3 sentence reply. Everything fine now.
-Predicting failure, responding appropriately. ✔️
-Patience is a virtue. ✔️
Anger is a part of any
Anger is a part of any relationship. I'm not talking about raging, yelling or throwing things, or threatening others. Anger is not all bad. Having to censor my feelings to avoid my partner being hurt is not healthy. In my marriage, I avoided expressing my feelings because I feared my ex husband's reaction.
In my current relationship, I feel comfortable expressing feelings (including anger) appropriately. One time, I was angry when I found out my BF had lied to me. When He started getting angry at my reaction, I said: "Oh, no. You have no right to be angry with me, because YOU are the one who lied".