Forum topic: Angry when I ask simple questions

Sat Aug 25th, 2012 - 7:57pm by transient

Communication with ADHD

Help! My H has never been diagnosed with ADD (he won't seek any kind of help or assessment). I suspect, however,it would be confirmed.

I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this and how they handled it...

My H gets angry and defensive at the simplest questions. Especially if one question leads to another. It can be about the simplest thing. Today it was a question about charging a battery. He was using a battery charger and needed to look up something. I asked three questions about it and he became angry. I was just trying to become more knowledgeable. This kind of thing happens all the time. It's like he thinks I'm picking at how or why he's doing something when I'm really just trying to learn.

Is this kind of response to simple questions sound like an ADD trait?

It's the same when he needs help w/a problem. I try to be supportive with advice or an opinion (usually when asked) and then all of a sudden he's angry because I'm 1) pushing him to do something before he's ready, 2) telling him what to do.

I get this all the time. Along with an overwhelmed "I can't talk about this right now".

I am starting to lose hope that we can have a normal conversation. Anyone have any suggestions? Similar experiences?

Comments

Pbartender's picture

Submitted by Pbartender on Sun Aug 26th, 2012 - 2:43pm

I'm not certain it's directly caused by ADHD, but more likely the stress and frustration and irritation and lack of patience that often results from ADHD symptoms.

I've done it often enough as an ADHDer.  I've also seen my non-ADHD wife do it often enough as well.  I get the "I can't/don't want to talk about this now" line all the time from her.

Just yesterday, I had a pretty good day.  In the morning, I'd finished fixing some troublesome plumbing problems with both our toilets and after tidying up my tools and such, decided to get some house cleaning done so we could all relax for the rest of the weekend.  I was looking for a spray bottle that we usually kept bleach-water in, but couldn't find it in any of the usual spots.  I found another unlabeled spray bottle that I didn't recognize, and I couldn't quite figure out what was in it.  So, I ASKED!  (Thank you, bilf.  ;) )  

I asked DW if she knew what was in the spray bottle, explaining that I was looking for the bleach-water sprayer but couldn't find it.  Instead of helping me out or just saying she wasn't sure, she snapped that I should read the label (it wasn't labeled) and that the bleach-water had been around here somewhere last week.

Guh.  As Batman once said, "Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb."

 

Pb.

Submitted by PoisonIvy on Mon Aug 27th, 2012 - 4:49pm

Today, I purposely responded to my husband in a snarky tone when he was trying to tell me how to correctly back up the car.  I thought, what the hell; whenever I try to give him directions or instructions, he is an ass.  A little while ago, I apologized and pointed out that he often speaks to me in a snarky way, and he professed to not be aware of his tone.  Very frustrating.  Seems as though lack of self-awareness imposes a double standard; I'm aware and thus don't (typically) say things meanly; he's not aware and so says things meanly all the time.

lonelyspouse's picture

Submitted by lonelyspouse on Wed Aug 17th, 2016 - 12:55pm

I can so relate to your quandry. My husband has been diagnosed with NPD (a diagnosis he rejects, of course), and I have been told he likely has ADHD as well. What you described is my experience way too often. The latest happened 2 days ago. I got an unintelligible phone message that I could barely make out was from our insurance company- apparently related to some changes that I knew nothing about. I texted my husband, and asked if he knew what it was about. He replied "yes", and gave a confusing summary of what had occurred. To make a long story short, I asked a few questions in response about the changes, and asked him to keep me informed. He launched into a tirade about how stupid I was to not understand his cryptic responses, how it was none of my F'ng business, and how I had insulted him. I was stunned. There was no insult, and when I told him I didn't understand why he said that, he only replied that I "did it". I texted him that I would just call the insurance company to get the information since they had called me about it anyway, and he immediately called me on the phone and raged at me, calling me an idiot, a stupid, f'ing manipulative bitch, told me I was a control freak, a micro-manager, and a snot! He said he finds my questions "annoying". I was speechless. He then told me I would be "lucky" if he ever spoke to me again, and told me to stay away from him! I have also had the problem of him asking for my advice, and when I give it, telling me I think I know everything and that I'm a control freak. This is always a no-win scenario. He even complains if I don't talk- tells me I'm being a bitch. I have tried to speak to him about this behavior to no avail- he wants it just forgotten afterwards with no apology, no promise to even try to do better.

Don't believe everything you think.

Karly Luellen's picture

Submitted by Karly Luellen on Tue May 11th, 2021 - 8:15pm

I just had to say, I so feel your pain & confusion. Unfortunately, what you describe sounds spot on behavior wise for someone with NPD. I'm no psychiatrist, but I did minor in it in college, so I've taken several fairly advanced in depth classes on various conditions, behavioral among them which is what NPD is. At that time, I didnt pay any more attention to NPD than I would of anything else, like tourette's or ADHD. 5 years out of college tho and I am 97% certain that the guy I'm in love with has NPD... but, mostly his remains what's considered covert narcissism, as in rather than be, for example, outright boastful of himself, because deep down inside he actually doesnt think much of himself and seeks validation, instead mine will just outright say that hes an asshole, or worthless, whatever, because he does think that, but also by voicing it he knows that I will argue with him, reassure him No you arent, which then gives him the validation he seeks. Mine does what you describe tho, gets SUPER aggravated and snaps at me whenever I ask what, to me, are typical normal questions...usually it's me trying to learn something. Because I like to.learn, I firmly believe that all knowledge is power, so if hes doing something say, to his car, I'll want to know What, what's it do by changing say, the torque on the back tires? How? Etc etc.... To ME, that's just normal human curiosity. As well, It gives us something to talk about... i thought men were supposed to LIKE IT when a girl takes an interest in their crap and gives them a chance to show off how much they know and educate her!? Hell that should be right up a narcissist alley, the chance to feel more intelligent and knowledgeable? But he gets aggravated. A few minutes ago he accused me of trying to "steal" his hobbies, said dont I have enough of my own? Said he doesnt try to talk to me about mine. I thought to myself "Well of course you dont, cause you really couldnt care less..." Im.sure you know how this feels... feeling like you are always the person making all the efforts. Like your the one initiating conversation, the one whose instantly there when HE feels down or has a bad day, the one who defends him when mutual friends mutter that hes an asshole, the one who constantly walks on eggshells to avoid angering or upsetting him and quickly retracts things if she accidentally does. Who bends over backwards to try and make his life a little bit easier. But do you think that he, they, our narcissists, ever even THINK of putting forth even a quarter of the same effort? Nope I'm curious if this many years later your still making it work with your husband? Did he get into treatment? Is it any better? Tell me it gets better, please?

Submitted by transient on Tue May 11th, 2021 - 8:48pm

We're still married. He has never received treatment. I don't know if it has gotten better. But, our communication has changed. Now - instead of feeling hurt and being sad about how our communication goes - we just go right ahead and have some real fights. But, those are becoming fewer. And mostly we just grumble at each other. He knows he has a problem. He knows I won't put up with him just being an ass. These days I just tell him he's being an ass and I leave him to figure his problems out on his own. I started focusing on my own needs and happiness. We go on frequent vacations so that we can have fun together (and we do - when there are no responsibilities we have an awesome time together). We have both been married before and we're committed - plus we're older (I'm mid-50s) so it would be a real pain to split up. I love him. He loves me. But he's insufferable sometimes. And these days I tell him. Sometimes he apologizes. Not sure that is helpful for you. Honestly, I doubt if we had kids together we could continue as a couple - I would have kicked him to the curb by now. My advice? Stop bending over backwards. (I no longer do his laundry or cook meals for him (unless I feel like it).) Focus on you. And - I mean - really focus -  not to make him miss you but to do exactly what you want to do. If you feel like paying attention to him, do it. If you don't - go do something you want to do. If you're not married to him with nothing to unravel I would move on - life is too short and you're too young to invest energy in someone who doesn't appreciate you. Big hug kiddo.

Karly Luellen's picture

Submitted by Karly Luellen on Wed May 12th, 2021 - 6:58am

Oops It loaded me to my reply earlier and looked like I hadnt clicked submit but now I see it had. I swear I cant adult worth a shit lol