Forum topic: Just getting started

It sounds to me like none of your ADD family members have tried stimulants (for my child life-changing for the better)? Have they had extensive work ups?

As a health care professional in another field I'm aware that one is never very professional with family or friends. In your situation I'd avoid getting involved at all as psychologist but to leave all evaluation and treatment to other experts. With your knowledge I'm sure you can find the best help available. 

In my family it's been the mental health care professional who's turned out to be severe ADD after many years. Very unpleasant too. 

I don't envy you your role here, to be honest. Being very understanding and compassionate but still enforcing boundaries to protect one's own sanity may be hard enough for us who aren't psychologists. 

I would insist on optimized treatment for your husband and daughter before you try even harder to not react to their symptoms. 

Hi there, I'm glad you found this site. It's been a much needed source of support for me this year, and also one of the only reasons I am sure I am not completely crazy. 

My story is very similar to yours, our now 17 year old diagnosed with combined type ADHD almost 2 years ago, a neurotypical 11 year old, and a recently self diagnosed spouse (still trying to get a proper diagnosis) with inattentive type ADHD.

This year has been the hardest, our 17 year old is severe, and after much chaos and crisis after crisis has finally accepted the need to be on medication. It's been a month, and it's really much better. BUT, I cannot tell you the level of chaos without it... The bedroom mess is close to a hoard, expensive reading glasses got left somewhere on an overnight stay, clothes disappear and I find things that don't belong to her in the pile,. school work, school attendance and anything that isn't pure pleasure and social - is a mess. I've had so many meetings with schools and professionals, so many emails, so many warnings and reports - people wouldn't believe me. Where we live, kids are legally adult from 18, and I'm counting down the days to not be legal guardian (adoring mother always, but legally liable not so much ;)). 

I've come to realize that allowing ADHD dysfunction will literally kill me if I don't radically accept that I cannot change either of them, and if I don't radically take full responsibility for my own health, wellness, time and sanity, I won't make it through. 

I wish I could give you tips on how to deal with your daughter, but alas, I'm going to tell you that only if she is in therapy and medicated, and only if you can find what consequences actually mean anything to her, and unless you can let go up to the point that she isn't in harms way - my feeling is that you are probably doing everything and more as a mom and wife. In fact, ironically, just by reading everything you have, and by posting here, it probably means you are already doing more than what is fair or expected, and sadly, possibly using your time and energy on things that wont necessarily change anything. I know this sounds grim, but it's really important for you to find your balance and draw a line so that you don't exhaust yourself to the point of burnout (burnout = repeated effort that doesn't equate to results).

Looking forward to seeing if anyone responds with more helpful tips, but in the meantime, please take care of yourself!

Hi , nice to meet you and thanks for sharing. I found this site about a year ago and it has helped a lot.

Hi a look into the,

I didn't think I'd have any help to offer not having kids myself, but I realized, growing up having ADHD,  and no one in my family knowing either, my mom did a lot of things right and wrong raising me, simply from not knowing what to do?

If I could go back and tell her now, for me specifically, there's a number of things I could say. This might give you some ideas especially with what works. I was thinking about myself in terms of the messy room, not finding things and the almost hoarding appearance. This was also me so I definitely can share what I've learned.

First. Not everything you read works for everyone with ADHD. In a general sense yes, but in the exact specific thing to do, some of that has to come from them. I'm saying this, remembering going to friends homes and seeing them organize and take care of their room. I envied their ability to do this and wanted very much for my room to be like theirs. But when I came home and tried it myself, I couldn't do it. The point I'm making is I had a strong desire to do certain things and I cared very much. It was never from having a bad attitude or unwillingness to do it. I just didn't know how? But in the process, I did find some things that worked and a few major mistakes that I wish I knew then.

Things I learned to do.

I hear about people with ADHD losing their wallet, school bags, keys, etc....It's easy to understand when you live in chaos and things are everywhere. The story of your daughter and her school bag brought this to mind.

I don't lose my wallet or keys. In my entire life, this hasn't been a problem because I found something that works. My keys and wallet stay in my front pant pocket.  They live with me and never get removed. Never. In the morning, their still right where I left them....in my front pocket. Those pants, get set somewhere on a chair or stand, or even if I accidentally forgot and hung them up to re-wear.....they're always there, and get immediately transferred to the next pants I'm wearing. They're never truly separated from my body except at night when I sleeping, that way, they never get lost. Still tue today, except, now, living in a clean home, I put my wallet in my nightstand always in the exact same spot. It took years to change from my pants pocket to get to this point of actually putting them somewhere else.

Key points: never different places, always ( only ) one place. That never changes. ( ever ). Only one possible place they could be...in the last pair of pants I wore up until only recently. 

I'm not even going to suggest this as an ADHD solution. I discovered this out of necessity even as a child by countless trial and errors until I finally found something that worked. And it worked flawlessly, always, every time.

The point to this story is to not make someone with ADHD change when they find something that works. This somewhat unorthodox method of never losing my wallet or keys through most of my life, worked because within the chaos...I always knew one place to go. Not multiple places to remember...only 1.

That's the key. If the chaos cannot be tamed, then work around's within the chaos is the only way to survive. And if it isn't broken, then don't try and fix it.

So if my mom, suddenly came along and  said..."that's ridiculous, you must put your wallet and keys away out of your pants." Where? There's crap everywhere? It'll just get lost?  Fortunately, my mom didn't make me do that....but she did come along and sabotage in other ways. She was a habitual clean up and put away after me person, and her,  deciding to change things, would really mess me up. By her doing it, I never learned to do it myself or find that "thing that worked".

For me, it took a lot of trial, error and failure, to find those treasured "things that work". They were few and far between, and my mom had a nasty habit of coming along and rearranging the furniture on the blind person.

My advise: Look for those things first. The things she's figured out and it works. Then don't change them ( ever ). Don't decide "for her", what would be best in that respect. As a kid and even later, I couldn't tell you why keeping my wallet and keys in my pants ( always ) worked. I just knew it did. Taking that from me meant instant failure...almost immediately.  I know because the few times I didn't follow that program....I instantly lost my wallet and keys or at least, had to back track to find them. In fact, trying to find anything....that didn't return "home" to its "one place" got lost immediately.

The worst thing my mom ever could do...when I was working on a project and all the things necessary were spread out everywhere all over the place....and each "piece" had a special place where only I knew where it was.  Once moved, it took forever to "find my place" again. Finding "my place" ( mine..not anyone else's ) and returning later to continue is a really hard thing to do at times. If that one place has been moved or changed, it's exactly like the moving furniture on a blind person example...because of all the chaos.

As far as the chaos goes...I finally found what works. Trying to keep lots of "things" organized and in order never worked ( ever ). Getting rid of  "things" and "stuff" ( permanently  ) works....flawlessly, every time.

I realized something long ago from Backpacking in the wilderness.  You can only take what you can carry, and the less you bring along, the less weight you have to carry. It's to your advantage not to bring extra stuff along because YOU have to lug that weight along. And what you do have is put inside little organizer bags...in different compartments in your back pack. One place, for each thing, one bag for each like group of things. One backpack to carry.....that stays with you the entire time.

Just like my wallet and keys. And nothing gets lost ever....not only because it's all zipped up and strapped down ( so nothing falls out ) but because your life depends on it for your very survival. Every piece of "stuff" is absolutely necessary. If it's in your backpack, you need every piece. The less, the better.

And every piece has a home, that never changes. Only one place, only one pack, and only a very view pieces.....that you absolutely need to survive.

In all the years I spent camping ( Backpacking ) I never lost a single item. I spent hours, figuring out what I needed and where to stuff them in my pack before hand.  Up to a week ahead of time before I left so I didn't forget anything. So in the morning, I just grabbed my pack and left. I didn't have to remember...because it was already there with hours of thought ahead of time.

When I came home, I pulled out food and garbage and left everything exactly where it was for next time. So if someone called and wanted to go camping....I just grabbed my pack and left...because I already knew, everything I needed was already there. All in one place. I was very successful at Backpacking and never left without everything I needed ever.  In fact, if in a group and someone forgot something...I had one of everything plus extras just in case. I had the extra one to loan to someone else.  I was that guy...the guy with ADHD.

Anyway. There's a running theme here if you understand what I'm saying. I expect to fail, from failing so many times. I know I'll fail...I count on it.

So knowing your going to fail, you prepare yourself when you do.  Just like a good Scout...always expect the worst and be prepared ..then hope it doesn't happen. If it does, you're ready. If it doesn't...that's bonus points.

If you can understand this...it might help you understand your daughter and what she really needs. If you try and fix it, you won't give her the chance to learn, by failing. Experience is the best teacher sometimes.