Hi - i decided to sign up here because it's Christmas and I'm at a loss. We have two young children (about to be 3 and 5) and it seems like all the strategies, and truth be told all of my life, now revolves around my partner (ADHD) and his needs. I just can't see how this works with children -- years before the diagnosis I told him that I was getting emotionally drained and wouldn't be able to keep going. And just like the book describes, I couldn't. I got really sick, I got depressed, I was angry and all the while trying to be the consistent (in all ways) parent to our children. I finally discovered that he might fit this diagnosis and thank god he was very accepting, got diagnosed, medicated and is finally, a year later, connected to a therapist he likes to and we have a couples therapist we both like. But I tried to cancel Christmas. It all felt so pretend so fake -- we have no sense of our finances, careers are shaky (his because he's discovered why he hates work so much and resigned, and mine because I started working part time in order to run the household and recover my health) and he wanted to leave it all to the last minute. Didn't want to take about traditions or values or other important things that children need and deserve.
I feel like all we do is have conversations to resolve conflict (specifically about his outbursts), fight in front of the kids, then I just keep trying to keep things together for them, and then I recover myself in order to do it all again that night or, at best, the next morning. As a part of our cycles, he'll pull up his socks and does amazing for a week or two, and I just relax because I deserve it too, then burns out and I'm on the marathon again.
There is nothing left in me to enjoy celebrating the season, we are cut off from friends, and all the normal ADHD marriage challenges PLUS the unique (right??) layer of challenges of trying to raise children who I hope to god will somehow grow to be somewhat well adjusted.
I don't know if this is the right place, it seems that most here don't have young kids. I need to be understood, and in need some serious help for my children's sake. I don't want to leave him, I love him and he's committed to working on things. He's a generous loving and fun human being. He's terrifically smart and he loves me. I need help. He keeps bringing up leaving for my and the children's sake. Help. Please.
Comments
Your own friends and interests
This sounds so hard and you've done much already (diagnosis, treatment, counseling). I feel for you. Having children that age is trying for anybody too since they need so much of you.
The best professional advice I ever had in a difficult ADHD marriage was to add pleasure of my own to family life. We couldn't see people either because of husband's social anxiety and my resulting anxiety, shame and overwhelm. It wrecked me.
But there are things for only you to enjoy.
Is it possible to reach out for old or new personal friends and maybe relatives? If your husband is good with the kids, could you use that for getting out of the house? Girls' getaways are precious. A weekend at a friend's, or a small trip with an aunt, or going out of town to hike, or for cultural experiences, or to a spa is a good way to start. Then you need to refill your cup with something daily. I've refreshed myself enormously by taking up a sport which kept me away from home several nights a week. Walking regularly with a neighbor dog owner for hours was also immensely invigorating (and could be done after children's bedtime).
I know, one doesn't want to spend time away from the children. Who prioritizes like this with children 3 and 5 years of age? But in exceptional circumstances it's necessary to save their mother's spirit and heath and that must come first. If you can have joy and fulfillment from elsewhere, that might save your marriage. And even if it doesn't, you have tried this important step. It will restore your energy, your best self and make you prepared for challenges in the future.
I'd advise you to go against every perception we have of a good mother for now and instead choose joy for yourself for a while. Children need a mother in good emotional shape more than most things.
Is it possible to make a list of everything that's ever brought you joy and start to retrieve those things? It might be something small like your favorite color on something, your preferred brand of coffee, anything. A collection of your preferences to reach for on bad days.
Best of luck. I know this might be terribly hard, but I think you can have a life you enjoy.
Thank you for writing to me.
Thank you for writing to me. You have captured this thought that is truly my dilemma:
Who prioritizes like this with children 3 and 5 years of age? But in exceptional circumstances it's necessary to save their mother's spirit and heath and that must come first.
These are exceptional circumstances. It's easy to feel "normal" after all the work that's been done, but this season, being so close the anniversary of diagnosis, has brought light to all we learned in the ADHD marriage book and how this is a new normal for us, but we do still have struggles that aren't the "norm." There's a new understanding of the depth and complexities of the ways we might "try different." This is part of what has made me feel so hopeless....a double edged sword.
I need to give myself permission to leave family life regularly and seek my own joy and fulfillment. I will write this list of my preferences and things that brought me joy, and people I might connect with. I will plan a short, daylong or overnight getaway for myself very soon. I'll give this idea a try.
Thank you again for your thoughtful and caring message.
WW
I know how that feels.
Hi Winter white.
I know the feeling. I have been married to the recently diagnosed husband. (Unmedicated) For twenty years and we have two teenagers.
As per usual, I do everything. I take care of the finances, even organised his pension because he hadn't done it even though he is in his 40s. His invoices, cause he's self employed, the cooking, cleaning... Everything. I also work full time.
It's hard, really hard and as sad as it may sound, I live for the good times, which tend to be during the summer.
I've noticed a big difference on his outbursts during the winter, they seem to get worse the older he gets. When the kids were little, we moved country (Spain), then we moved house three times after that. And then, my my daughter was diagnosed with dyslexia, we moved back to Scotland. Now, every winter sense, he gets very agitated, depressed and I'm the one to blame because it's my fault we moved back to Scotland. He can get so mean sometimes that I have to remind myself that he actually doesn't mean it and that he needs a dopamine hit. But my goodness, it is exhausting.
Now that our kids are older, I notices his frustration more because he used be able to be more impulsive and go for long walks and do activities with them. But now the kids want to do their own thing and my husband is left behind. Even his own friends have calmed down and settled, my husband is still going wild.
Escape a little
I couldn't agree more with the advice Swedish Coast has given. In 13 years, I have literally had 2 weekends away from my family, to do things that are really all about what I like, with people I enjoy etc. I cannot tell you how much it helps.
It's been a rough couple years in our double ADHD home (spouse and teenager), and now I'm on the verge of burnout if not already there, and I have SWORN to myself that next year I will take up activities just for myself, and take mini breaks as often as I can.
Our kids are older now, the teen is seldom at home and our younger one is 11 and needs me less too. I realise with such little kids your instinct is to sacrifice your needs for them, but believe me, it WILL backfire if you don't prioritise yourself often and regularly enough.
I've seen how my unhappiness and exhaustion has put a big sense of responsibility on our younger neurotypical child - he feels the need to care take me and make up for the dysfunction of ADHD in the home. Its heartbreaking and I know that if I prioritise myself more it will lessen that burden on him as he sees me get happier and also will model to him what self care and boundaries look like so that he doesnt repeat the pattern one day. Also look at any patterns from your childhood, perhaps you were always the responsible one who never "needed" anything?....
Do it for yourself, do it for your kids and trust me it will benefit your husband too. Don't leave it as long as some of us have, you are fully deserving of a good life in your own right!
Escape consistently
Oh yes, so many patterns from my own childhood that came into play once I became so burnt out. Now, instead of using all the tools i had developed to manage those patterns and behaviours, it's like we're fighting them too. Chronic stress is an awful awful condition to live under. I want to do better by him as well, like the book says.....and I can’t when I’m playing defence.
I am away now, at a hotel and having a spa treatment soon. My intention for this break is new though, thanks to Swedish Coast -- it is not a break from my kids. They do need so much of us and my husband keeps saying it's normal to take a break from kids, but I get that often via grandparents. Im making a new distinction between needing a break from the things that prevent me from restoring myself within the family (the ADHD parts) and needing a break from my kids. That feels much better.
We continue to have structured understanding conversations and it helps so much. He loved this idea for me even though it was really hard for him to listen to my difficult feelings around what brought me to this. We both cried. I think we’re growing closer. Growing different.
The new year is close! What will you plan? I think I'm going to use this time to look into a community athletic league or a hobby group who meets regularly.
WW
Boundaries....
Here's the thing about generous, loving and fun human beings....They starve to death right along w/ anyone who depends on them...It is so easy to fall into the trap of loving someone who isn't responsible...And then you end up carrying them, doing double work and burning out while your health declines....
Who wants to work when we could play?...That's a child's mindset...Expect him to be a responsible adult, husband and Father...To work faithfully and take care of HIS responsibilities....Place boundaries on yourself to never fight or fuss w/him, carry him, or enable laziness and procrastination in any way....If you stop fussing at him or fussing w/ him....You win!....If he can get you to mother, fuss or point out his issues...You lose!
Irresponsible spouses love to be fussed at, it's their only weapon, it allows them to blame (flip it) YOU...(redirect their irresponsibility and laziness onto your anger!) Walk away quietly for the babies if you can't do it for yourself...