How to Broach the Subject of Suspected ADHD

​things are a little different here as I forced my husband to go be tested and he was diagnosed with ADHD  but now after trying a few medications he decided he doesn't like how they make him feel and refuses to take any.  We are about to go bankrupt and he is self medicating with herbs.  Don't know how to stoP the denial.

Hi flowerchild, firstly big hugs to you for still hanging in there!  I too spent a lot of time researching why I didn't feel the way I thought I should about my marriage and my husband (and myself), before realising that I was simply experiencing what I think of as ADHD fallout.  I also largely live in an emotionally shut down state, mainly so I can keep mental focus and be aware of how I respond and to always try to keep the peace and keep the household running.  The constant fighting, misunderstandings and having to be so careful about how something is worded etc is extremely draining and  severely detracts from anything that would be regarded as a happy and harmonious union.  My emotional state also impacts how I cope with the usual parenting challenges day by day. 

Although my H is aware of his difference (having been diagnosed 'hyperative' as a child) he still has a long way to go in admitting that with help there is a better way to be.  He initially got furious with me when I suggested a while back that perhaps his childhood diagnosis should be 'updated' and looked at again.  I explained it to him originally that I thought I had ASD (aspergers) and that maybe we both did and maybe we should both get assessed so that we can improve our marriage.  He immediately grabbed hold of the part that I had ASD, and yes, we should definitely get that looked into as I have been such an emotional wreck and it would be great to get that fixed...... hmmm....time for strategy number 2.  I then got some literature on various non-neuro-typical differences and suggested we study them together to better understand ourselves.  I wasn't anticipating the hurdle of him perceiving me to be saying there was something 'wrong' with him.  I didn't realise at the time that he had been programmed by his folks to believe that his childhood diagnosis meant he was defective - they never managed it, only made excuses for him and tried to ignore it because it didn't fit with the image they wanted everyone to have of their family perfection. So I'm not only dealing with the ADHD, but also his upbringing and perception. 

Nowadays I try to continue to be encouraging about getting help. He has come a long way in the last few years and is now open to seeing someone and seeking a better way to be.  It was a long and hard road to get here, but I now have a glimmer of hope that our situation will improve.  What it took was for me to be leaving and a complete emotional train wreck right in front of him. Too exhausted to argue anymore, too sad to care about it - numb, like you said.  Numb is a state I am in quite often, which I sometimes feel is marginally better than hurting constantly.  But numb doesn't fix anything and gets boring so I continued to find moments to tell him that I understand how frustrating it must be to be constantly misunderstood, forgetful, confused, angry.  I also told him that I know it's not him that has done so much damage to our marriage, but the ADHD not being managed.  I told him that I know he is a different person on the inside compared to what the world largely sees, and that I don't want our union to become another ADHD statistic.  I told him that I believe we are stronger than that, and that we owe it to ourselves and our children to be better people towards each other - for their sake.  I asked him what kind of future did he want for our kids and what example did we want to set for them, given that they are both 'different' also, and will also have to manage and understand their differences to a lot of other folk.

After allowing all my emotional baggage to come tumbling out and all over the place, he finally saw and admitted that it hurts him to see me hurting and not coping. Perhaps for selfish reasons, but at least he admitted it.  I guess a lot of therapists will also say that to deal with what has been hurting we need to let it all out and process it consciously rather than bottle it up and become numb. I found this worked for me, and my husband has a slightly better comprehension of how hard it is for me to always be the one making allowances and concessions and letting things that irk me slide - particularly when it's such hard work to continually 'suck it up' when my feelings are hurt but life and family and committments still go on.

I really love one particular phrase that gets used on this site quite often - ADHD is not anybody's fault, but it is a responsibility to be dealt with/managed.  Once we're all on the same page on that front things get a little easier.  Oh and I would dearly love to show my H this site, in particular a comment by a guy who's devastated that his wife asked for a divorce.  He apparently didn't see it coming. The feelings that he expressed are something I think a lot of ADHD guys should read so that they don't continue to destroy something that they obviously still want very much.  But baby steps are to be taken, at the moment my H would just react badly and insist that he's not that bad and how rude of me to 'go behind his back' by speaking about him on a public blog. Sigh....