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by: J -
my EQ may be higher than hers. She is quite intelligent and quick whitted with a good sense of humor. All signs of an intellegent person. In fact, she's much more quick whitted than me in that respect. I think we are quite compatible in that respect. Her son and daughter in law are very sharp and intelligent too...but I question their emotional intelligence at times. I'm no genius, but I feel like my emotional intelligence is at least up to par.>>> on Forum topic - Guilty by Association - Contempt
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by: Swedish coast -
Being non-ADHD but having lived twenty years with an undiagnosed ADD partner, I can relate very much to this. Your list is ambitious. My ex would have made perhaps one or two of the things on that list on a weekend. A majority of them he could never do, period. The list would be hard for me, too. I think you cannot be expected to do it all. I have no answers as to how to make a relationship work when partners don’t match in expectations and ability. I didn’t make it. But I learned some...>>> on Forum topic - My Partner Revealed that She Has Been Keeping Score
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by: Swedish coast -
J, this is not fair of her. Whatever prejudice one may have of a group of people (and I believe we can all be prejudiced from time to time) it’s not ok to generalize grossly and especially not to make someone innocent suffer for it. If she has an issue with you becoming angry, then she should address that. Bunching you with some less sweet and affectionate men and judging you together isn’t intellectually honest. I’m glad you find your therapy enlightening.>>> on Forum topic - Guilty by Association - Contempt
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by: Swedish coast -
Your kind thoughts are heartwarming. Thank you so much.>>> on Forum topic - Grief work
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by: Haveaniceday -
Swedish Coast, I really feel the agony in what you've written. It's an impossible scenario, you could not stay in your marriage, but by being brave enough to get out, it haunts you just the same. It's excruciating. It reminds me of a meme I saw the other day which read "I accidentally became important at work and it's ruining my life." Except, this is accidentally being (too) good at running a life and family, and ... It's unfair. Unfair that he has the disorder, unfair that it's ruined...>>> on Forum topic - Grief work
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by: Swedish coast -
That is so much appreciated. I guess I could find out what standards he sets for children by asking. What does he want for them? The problem is this conversation will automatically be embarrassing for him. He doesn’t have ideas, make plans or have ability to make things happen. I’m convinced (we’ve had this conversation many times before) he’s silently happy to let me work, but doesn’t want responsibility for what I choose to do. Underneath his opaqueness he’s probably still ashamed. ...>>> on Forum topic - Grief work
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by: solonelyandtired -
Reading this post instead of writing my own as it is essentially what I would have written anyway... has anything changed for you in the past 2 months? Currently stuck in the same situation but not looking forward to the hard conversations. My partner is not willing to go to therapy but the issues remain and I am losing my will to battle.>>> on Forum topic - At a crossroads on whether to give up or stay in
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by: MelissaOrlov -
I have to respond to this because it feels so very familiar...that grief and fear - what if my partner is doing horribly and it will affect my kids? What if he has a health emergency? Is he okay? Should I take care of him? I used to think of these things regularly after my divorce, and my ex pulled away from his kids (and friends) much more than anyone expected; did not seem to be doing well by many accounts. I loved him deeply - my heart really did break for him (and my kids) and I felt a...>>> on Forum topic - Grief work
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by: MelissaOrlov -
Have you tried Psychiatry-UK.com? They do have ADHD expertise and work remotely (is my understanding), though I don't know if they have couples therapists. A few years ago the founder told me that was the direction in which they were going but I haven't followed up to find out if they actually did it. You can also work with one of our online professionals in our consulting group. Go to the consulting page to set up a time to talk with someone about your needs (no fee for thise.) We all work...>>> on Forum topic - Uk based couples therapist?
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by: randlanta -
Ok, my partner actually suggested that we try these! She has been so supportive and willing to come to the table in good faith, which is all I can ask for. It was helpful to get things out this morning, and I'm grateful for your helpful and encouraging response! Thanks for your reply and for your perspective as a non-ADHD partner.>>> on Forum topic - My Partner Revealed that She Has Been Keeping Score
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by: 1Melody1 -
Hey Loopla. I'm sorry you're in this situation. One thing that helped me was putting my energy into issues that would affect me and the family and letting go what might not. For instance. he absolutely needs to participate in finding a solution for dropping off the kids. Not participating is just not being a parent or partner. At the very least, he needs to agree to your suggestion and then hold up his part in the 2/10 drop offs. Conversely, as far as work clothes and getting fit goes, that's his...>>> on Forum topic - Communication bridge is just not there…
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by: EMADHD -
First of all, as a non adhd partner, i can sympathize to your situation and i have to give you an applause for trying to figure it out. Yes communication is a big key. To get to what you want... open communication with your partner where both of you could say what you want can be achieve. In my case, we had to rely on 2 simple and yet effective structured communication exercises to learn how to communicate effectively with each other. The communication exercises I am referring to is i fell statement,...>>> on Forum topic - Communication bridge is just not there…
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by: EMADHD -
First of all. I want to give you a round of applause for getting so much done. As a non-ADHD partner myself, it took a long time until I realized that a long laundry list of to-do task for my ADHD partner will overwhelm him and procrastination would set in. Before that, I used to keep scores myself and it was not healthy for our relationship. One of the biggest help for us was investing in the card game called "Fair Play Cards". The card game helped us collectively decide what task are important to '...>>> on Forum topic - My Partner Revealed that She Has Been Keeping Score
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by: J -
It causes the person suffering from it to do behaviors that make no logical sense from the outside, but actually does make sense ( kind of ) to the person doing it. This isn't about becoming controlling by trying to take some control because someone else is not doing something like your example. It's more about a fear, something might happen, and there's proof or evidence that it's true ( a kernel of truth ) that proves it might. There's so much anxiety and worry about this "thing" that might happen,...>>> on Forum topic - I have OCD and he has ADHD
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by: Swedish coast -
OCD I know little about. I must say though, before my ADD marriage I was far from a perfectionist. My home was messy and things lay unfinished. It was uncomplicated since I could easily tidy it up at any time. But living with ADD family members has made me anxious about untidiness. It’s all a part of the accumulated work the condition piles on a non partner. If you realize your ADD husband is thoroughly inconsistent and will forget crucial tasks and will at any time pass out on a couch and be...>>> on Forum topic - I have OCD and he has ADHD
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by: loopla81 -
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It can feel really isolating and alone can’t it and just having someone and somewhere to share with others who understand and have lived experience is so valuable. I feel like I am at the end of my tether, it’s effecting how I regulate myself, I start talking to myself through situations, it effects sometimes how I react to my little family. Something you said about no treatment or therapy, has struck a nerve with me….my husband...>>> on Forum topic - Communication bridge is just not there…
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by: J -
I'm going to attempt to give some perspective to this post. I'm doing this for myself or anyone reading this. My SO, also has both ( undiagnosed for the OCD ) but let's just assume for the moment that she does which will help explain what I'm seeing. First, I have to say a few things in the comments made from the OCD perspective. When I hear about someone ( anyone ) who's suffering with OCD, I personally understand the anxiety that it causes when it gets triggered by external "things" in...>>> on Forum topic - I have OCD and he has ADHD
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by: Swedish coast -
I’ve had my share of ADD dysfunction in a partner and in the end had to leave. But what you describe is much worse than what we had, particularly his sarcasm. Of course you will be resentful. Of course your bucket is empty. There are excellent resources - Melissa’s courses, books, couples therapy - but as I see it they all need some outer circumstances to be helpful, namely ADHD partner accepts there are adverse effects on their partner of their symptoms, and wants change...>>> on Forum topic - Communication bridge is just not there…
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by: J -
I have ADHD, OCD, and RSD so it's possible to have all three. My SO, I suspect, has all three as well. My OCD is a different type than most people think, but it is related to fear. My SO is more of what most people think it looks like, and hers is related more to a compulsions. They look very different from the outside....but they're both related to anxiety. Anxiety at the core. I asked her the other night if she felt her obsession about vacuuming ( dirt ) on the floor was...>>> on Forum topic - I have OCD and he has ADHD
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by: J -
I had something really important to address with my SO ( also ADHD ) and in the past, anything involving her, especially an implied "wrong doing ", would immediately get met with anger and defensiveness and getting it thrown back at me. I decided to carefully compose a text, using "I" words and "I feel " in an effort to not blame or accuse. I decided to text so I had a chance to completely get my feelings addressed and to feel heard.... In the past, those two things were consistently invidated...>>> on Blog post - How Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria Impacts Non-ADHD Partners
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Popular Forum Posts
- Energy drain
- Absolutely no sympathy from husband when I'm sick! In fact, it seems to be my fault!
- Progress but hope-less with young family
- I have OCD and he has ADHD
- Just getting started
- Infidelity
- Anger management course/book recommendations
- Finally Divorcing My ADHD Husband
- Absolutely no sympathy from husband when I'm sick! In fact, it seems to be my fault!
- Being Objective and Identifying the Battle
- Energy drain
- Absolutely no sympathy from husband when I'm sick! In fact, it seems to be my fault!
- Progress but hope-less with young family
- I have OCD and he has ADHD
- Just getting started
- Infidelity
- Anger management course/book recommendations
- Finally Divorcing My ADHD Husband
- Absolutely no sympathy from husband when I'm sick! In fact, it seems to be my fault!
- Being Objective and Identifying the Battle