A year after painful divorce from ADD partner I’m working on grief and bewilderment. This forum is vital for the continuously revolving thoughts. Thank you everyone for contributing to it.
I wonder if the experience of the other person in divorce is always invisible. If my ex doesn’t see my perspective concerning children at all? At least I’ve been frank in a couple of texts though we have minimal contact. He’s laid out a fog around himself, conveying nothing, and is not frank, or even comprehensible.
I know nothing about how he’s currently doing. Initially he implied he was better, but during this year he’s backed out of every annual activity the children enjoy. It seems he isn’t yet fit for a day at an amusement park. He seems to initiate very little. All he says is caring for children 50% is going well.
His health has been a constant cause of worry for years (seven different prescriptions and counting last I heard) , and now I have no updates (does he work? Has he been able to increase the part time? Does he still see his psychiatrist?).
He perhaps doesn’t realize I overcompensate fiercely for lack of action on his part, trying to convey an active, cultural and social lifestyle to the children. Whatever he’s doing, I hear very little about it from children. Of course from his point of view, being able to trust my parenting, there is no cause for concern. My cold dread is not visible to him.
I put in far more than 50% childcare so he can relax on his weeks. This could have been uncomplicated, had it not been that I struggle with health issues because of stress and anxiety brought on earlier by his ADD. Also earning most of the children’s recreational funds in an exceptionally demanding line of work. So unfortunately I don’t have a surplus of energy to give out. Desperately, I do it anyway.
Distance is bliss in a way. But when children are involved, it’s not reassuring to have people ask me how he copes, and their blank stare when I shrug and say I honestly have no idea.
Get me right, I’m not looking to invade his privacy.
Privately, I grieve the love we cherished. I’m so sad all my attempts ended in distrust.
What if he’s doing badly? I feel I’d be morally obliged to help him because of his illness and our long relationship. Also because he’s been secretive - not opening up to anyone. I’m beginning to realize he’s shut me out effectively with opaqueness just as he’s always shut out everybody else, and it’s unlikely I will ever know more than this.
The ruined trust has made getting back together forever impossible. That I grieved during divorce and still grieve. For my part, I loved him. Even now I wish we could have saved this.
Comments
I recognize this
I have to respond to this because it feels so very familiar...that grief and fear - what if my partner is doing horribly and it will affect my kids? What if he has a health emergency? Is he okay? Should I take care of him?
I used to think of these things regularly after my divorce, and my ex pulled away from his kids (and friends) much more than anyone expected; did not seem to be doing well by many accounts. I loved him deeply - my heart really did break for him (and my kids) and I felt a lot of grief about not being able to make things better.
And understanding that grief and fear is critical to your recovering from your divorce.
As I look back it is clear that I helped my ex in many areas of his life, without much thinking about it. This is part of classic over-functioning, and while he benefited from it (more outings with kids; more calls with family members to stay in touch; lots of great organization etc etc) it was also hard for him (we were largely on my agenda; he probably felt he was following in my wake some of the time, etc). It took me a long time to realize what you are probably working on now:
I cannot change what choices he makes or how he does things. If he has provided a fog of obscurity around himself that is likely what he prefers.
Let me say that again in a slightly different way because I really want you to take this on board. You cannot rescue your partner. You cannot truly verify how he is doing with the kids beyond what others are willing to share (are his standards yours? You may never know.). If he has a health issue, it (and this may sound harsh) is very possibly not going to be your problem to deal with (other than the kids might end up with you more of the time.)
The longing to step in that you feel, and the grief you express at not being able to be there more or do more, and that how he treats you doesn't feel like love but like rejection...wondering if your kids are okay...It's all really, really hard. I have experienced it all.
Of course you feel this grief. Of course you hurt. Allow yourself to cry some more and understand that you are strong and you will get through this. Lean on friends. Be vulnerable here and with others as you can. Give yourself leeway to not always be at your best. The best way you can support your kids is to show them your love.
Your kids will also get through it, and you can be a strong advocate for them in a general way, which they will always need. They will make their own judgments about how they feel they are doing with their Dad (also something you can do nothing about, for better or worse). If you are concerned about your ex's health, then perhaps you should make sure that your kids (if they are old enough) know what to do in the face of an emergency - who to call and under what circumstances (for example, 911? Uncle Joe? you? and When?). This should also be discussed for the times they are with you, too (you might hurt yourself, who knows?)
If you wish, we do have a grief counselor in our consulting group. She's wonderful, and can help you through some of this pain, even if you work with her intermittently. I did a couple of years of therapy after my divorce and it helped immensely.
Sending you a virtual hug...
Thank you Melissa
That is so much appreciated.
I guess I could find out what standards he sets for children by asking. What does he want for them?
The problem is this conversation will automatically be embarrassing for him. He doesn’t have ideas, make plans or have ability to make things happen. I’m convinced (we’ve had this conversation many times before) he’s silently happy to let me work, but doesn’t want responsibility for what I choose to do. Underneath his opaqueness he’s probably still ashamed.
I could summarize the costs I had for children this last year for him, and I know I probably should. It’s just disheartening to hear he hasn’t taken them to anything, paid for no riding lessons, no summer camp, started no driving lessons, nothing. He’s emotionally very close and attentive to them, but he can’t make things happen, he doesn’t even cook (and has no money to get takeout either). It drains me, and makes me feel so alone and the children so exposed in the world.
A meme for you
Swedish Coast, I really feel the agony in what you've written. It's an impossible scenario, you could not stay in your marriage, but by being brave enough to get out, it haunts you just the same. It's excruciating.
It reminds me of a meme I saw the other day which read "I accidentally became important at work and it's ruining my life." Except, this is accidentally being (too) good at running a life and family, and ...
It's unfair. Unfair that he has the disorder, unfair that it's ruined your marriage, healthy and sanity, and broken your trust. Unfair that your children could not witness a healthy, functioning marriage. And unfair that it probably seemed like a good fit in the beginning, but ended up being too much to endure.
I'm sure you're doing a sterling job with your children, and once they're old enough to stand on their own feet, your ties to your ex can start loosening.
I hope to one day read that you feel you've turned a corner and have your freedom of mind and heart back!
Thank you Haveaniceday
Your kind thoughts are heartwarming. Thank you so much.