Forum topic: Guilty by Association - Contempt

Getting back into therapy has already proven to be insightful. Getting to the elephant in the room sometimes is not always easy to do without some help.

Contempt was briefly mentioned, in connection to the past, and it immediately occurred to me what ( at least ) one trust issue has been. Trust, in respect to, men in general. ( men from my SO's past ).

I'm not a "men in general"...but I am a man. And I've sensed this issue from the beginning of our relationship. I actually picked up on it first with her older sister, who has some pretty obvious contempt for her husband at times because..."you know how men are...men are ( fill in blank here ....negative comment ).  It's pretty subtle, but also pretty obvious. And mostly, it can be stereotypically true...but not individually true at all. In other words, there's a prejudice going on. A prejudice,  as with any prejudice, that involves contempt...which is a form of hatred.

This is not uncommon and not even unwarranted "in a general way", but as I'm beginning to see more clearly, it is unwarranted to an individual, if they themselves have not acted in the same stereotypical manner in respect to the worst parts of men. ( the negative side ).

Men do this to, in equal proportions...not all men, but some of them. I don't see myself as one of these men which is where the problem begins. I'm not saying some of this doesn't exist in me, because my contempt is more narrowly defined to only "certain women"....who display certain qualities, that I have contempt for. It's a pretty narrowly defined few which may be the difference. It's not "women in general"...more those, who fit a certain category which may only account for about 10%.

One of my favorite managers I worked with in my field of work told me once: " 90% of all the customers who walk through my door, walk out with a smile on their face. The other 10%...cause me 90% of all my problems.  I feel exactly the same way.

So this notion of "men are all dogs" and "women are all ( bitch's )...referring to dogs as a species... is really unfair to dogs because dogs are a gift, and wonderful animals ..... 

Speaks more about the person who believes this ( which are both untrue ) and more about that person's past experience more than anything else. This would point to bitterness, contemp....and a souring of the mind. In a compassionate way, it speaks to distrust...and not wanting to be hurt. Feelings of lack of safety.

When I asked the other day, about my good qualities. My SO said I was sweet and affectionate. I thought about this for a while....and cannot say the same about her. She can be affectionat in reserved limited doses....but "sweet" is not the adjective I would use. Bitter or sour, is the term I would most aptly applied....and, I really don't care for those tastes. Seriously, I don't like bitter foods or even black coffee. Ironically, I like sweet foods the most if you think about "tastes".   

This is an interesting idea. And one that was suggested in the past. The idea of getting use to tastes. As it was put to me: When you fist taste wine, it tastes awful...bitter, alcoholic, tasting. It's not a good taste. But after a while, some people absolutely love it and can't get enough. What once tasted aweful...now becomes a favorite?

Anyway, the contempt is the problem, underlying all of this. And I'm not to blame for every man in my SO's past, but I'm paying the price later, for what is not my responsibility. I've certainly triggered this in her ( from the past )...but she'll even admit, that I treated her well and am "sweet and affectionate." 

And I know exactly what this comes from. It's come from the few times I've become really angry. It really doesn' even matter how many either. It only matters that I've reached a certain level, and that was enough to trigger this response. The fact that her contempt ( in the general kind ) for all the men in her past....is now seeping out on me.

And when I finally say "hey...that's enough! that really hurts "....she has no idea what I'm talking about. I'm sure, she's not even aware of this contempt or her sour taste...but it's one area that we're not the same. I have my contempt, but it's limited to a few individuals...not, "women in general".

And for me, this is a double wammy...because when I sense "contempt"...from my past. I expect "bad things to happen "....because the kernel of truth there is ....they really did. My radar is tuned-in for contempt. Which is a form of hatred...not love.