The professionals who study relationships have known for a long time that the division of chores in a household impacts relationship satisfaction… and that there is a direct correlation between chores and a couple’s sex life. In fact, there is a very specific correlation – the happier women are with the way housework is divided, the happier their husband’s are with their sex lives. Conversely, men whose wives are unhappy with the division of household labor are more likely to have thought about divorce, and more than twice as likely, in one survey, to report being cheated on.
And now the Council of Contemporary Families reports that for women, sharing responsibility for dishwashing is the biggest single source of satisfaction for any household task. And – you guessed it – not sharing that chore was the biggest chore-based source of dissatisfaction.
Chore distribution in ADHD-impacted relationships is a big deal. Non-ADHD partners often take on too many responsibilities as a way to compensate for their partner’s lack of organizational skills, planning and follow through. But taking on so much leads to resentment and, eventually, chronic anger.
So, after yet another session in which I raked my husband over the coals for not doing ANYTHING around the house (which, actually, was a pretty accurate statement) he asked, exasperated “So, what do you want me to do?” I didn’t even have to think about it – “The dishes!”
What is it about the dishes?!
I’ll tell you. First, I hate doing dishes. It is the singly most relentless task in your adult life. And, when you have a family, there are LOTS of dishes. Second, I’m the primary cook in our household. After spending more than an hour pulling dinner together, every single night, I am ready to relax, eat, spend time with my family and…relax some more. Dishes interfere with that plan in a big way. Third, I strongly dislike unloading the dishwasher. Perhaps because it is a reminder of how relentless a chore doing the dishes is. Fourth, everybody in the house creates dirty dishes…but then seems to think it’s my responsibility to clean them up. What am I? The house elf? Lots of resentment around that one.
But there was something else that was important, too. For me, having my husband take on a chore I so despised was symbolic – it translated pretty directly into “I care about you enough to relieve some of the drudgery of your life.” Immediately I felt more cared for…and more affectionate. Which just goes to show you – sometimes the research really does get it right!
- MelissaOrlov's blog
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And it's easy... when you can't relate!
Author is not ADHD, and it shows in this article. "Do the dishes more often" sounds like such an easy task... but it isn't always so simple to an ADHD individual. This article gives no tips or advice on *HOW* an ADHD person is to accomplish doing the dishes more often??? What's more, she INFERS- very likely incorrectly- that everyone in her household EXPECTS HER to do the dishes. This inference is made from the OBSERVATION that everyone else in the household doesn't do the dishes (or doesn't do them before she does them!). And it is this, probably incorrect, inference that triggers the emotions that lead to being upset because "everyone expects her to do the dishes". That has become her reality, and I agree that reality would be very upsetting... but luckily it's probably NOT reality.
Reading the beginning closely: "In fact, there is a very specific correlation – the happier women are with the way housework is divided, the happier their husband’s are with their sex lives."
Happiness is mentioned... which is a feeling and a mindset. But what's more important is what is NOT said... it does NOT say anything about overall chores being split EVENLY or FAIRLY... and it does not say anything about each individual chore being shared equally. In those situations of "happier women are with the way housework is divided", are those husbands doing the dishes any more than the less happy wive's husbands are? I mean, we are sort of led to think so... but what if husband A and husband B both neither wash a single dish or empty the dishwasher even once? Husband A's wife is fed up with it, and is WAY unhappy. Husband B's wife recognizes that dishes fall perfectly into her husband's shortcomings, and so she expects little of him there (instead she expects other chores or responsibilites of him, so he is still a partner in the marriage). Wife of husband A is unhappy. Wife of husband B is happy. Same dishes not done. Happieness is an emotional feeling, and many emotions are triggered by our perceptions, or our interpretation of those perceptions. So is husband A making his wife unhappy? Or is her mindset or expectations or interpretation of events what is actually causing the unhappy feeling? So is HE making her unhappy, or is SHE actually making herself unhappy? Or at least putting her unhappieness entirely on him and bearing no responsibility for her own thoughts, regardless of how unfounded or innaccurate they may be?
It's a complex subject, no doubt... and I do not mean to sound unappreciative that the author took the time and effort to share this... but I can't help but feel like this article, if anything, stokes the fire rather then helping anyone calm things down. It doesn't help dish-doers see any other perspective, and it doesn't help ADHD spouses be any better at chores or tasks they (WE!) struggle with. Soooo.... yea... basically, it's complicated, and this article might help in UNDERSTANDING a problem (many problems working together, actually)... but it is, at best, a very incomplete article... and really probably only of much help to the author, for the therapeuticexercise in writing and posting it LOL
Wife B is unhappy too
"Husband B's wife recognizes that dishes fall perfectly into her husband's shortcomings, and so she expects little of him there (instead she expects other chores or responsibilities of him, so he is still a partner in the marriage)"
In my experience the "other" chores you ascribe to husband B don't get done either.
I think this might become a hot topic!
Airthug - you're right about the perception of expectation possibly being incorrect and you're right that the husband isn't "making" the wife unhappy, but I think you missed the point a little. If your individual wife is not happy about the division of chores, you might want to consider what could be done - in Melissa's case, when she was asked what could be done, her answer was "do the dishes". She was citing a new study of family life that found that MOST wives that are unhappy about the division of chores are unhappy about the division of the dishwashing chore. So, with the goal of making a suggestion that might be helpful to a lot of people she suggests - help wash the dishes. Sometimes things aren't that complicated. And asking, HOW one could wash more dishes or wash dishes more often - really? You can't think of any way?
Dishes
My ex and I use to share doing the dishes. I would tackle the task nightly while he would wait 2,3 days to complete his turn. I was ok with that but the stench from some days was unacceptable. Once I took all of the stinky, dirty, dishes, put the in a large garbage bag and left them on the back porch. When ex came home, big smile as he saw the sink empty. "You did the dishes.". "Nope, I couldn't stand the funk anymore. I bagged em up and they are waiting for you on the back porch.". The smile fell and the dishes were done.
Michelle D.
Many tools
"Do the dishes more often" sounds like such an easy task... but it isn't always so simple to an ADHD individual. This article gives no tips or advice on *HOW* an ADHD person is to accomplish doing the dishes more often???
There are plenty of places out there that talk about how to incorporate new tasks into your routine. All of which emphasise it slowly with lots of room for failed attempts and then keeping on going. Start with reminders to self, an alarm, notes, and look at how long it takes to transition between eating and what the individual likes to do afterwards. With timers! Make sure that there is time for dishes, and then look for ways to reward and make it fun. My partner puts on music or a podcast and basically dances or argues (depending on the podcast) his way through them. So the kitchen has a great sound system, and sometimes I will hang around to dry, or help because him having someone co-clean means he is less likely to get distracted by the shiny and I like the company. Sometimes. Unless I am the shiny.
--
Quid ignorantia sit multi ignorant.
-- Hugh of Honau
Men Doing Dishes Results in More Sex? I'm Afraid Not!
Research dispels the myth that men doing dishes results in more sex. The 2013 study "Egalitarianism, Housework, and Sexual Frequency in Marriage" by Kornrich, Brines and Leupp investigated the links between men’s participation in core (traditionally female) and non-core (traditionally male) household tasks and sexual frequency. Results show that both husbands and wives in couples with more traditional housework arrangements where men did the traditionally male chores report higher sexual frequency, suggesting the importance of gender display rather than marital exchange for sex between heterosexual married partners.
My experience throughout most of my marriage ...... and if marriage blogs and forums are any indication, there are hundreds of thousands of husbands who have communicated to their wives that they were unhappy with the frequency of sex and their wives responded by pointing to the uneven distribution of chores as the reason for the lack of sex. These men then doubled down on the chores, believing that it would lead to more sex, only to have their wives come up with some other excuse to avoid sex.
Sex and chores..(dishes).....
Since every one of us are different, and the women and men we are married to are different...I think there would be a different story coming from each household concerning this possible phenomenon....My first wife and I was married 30 years...age 20-50...She worked from 8:00 to 5:00...I worked 11/7 the first 13 years...then from 7:00 ot 3:30 the last 17 years....(she passed away at age 49)....
My chore load may not have lead to more sex, but it definitely lead to better sex....When she and the girls came through the door (she picked them up from the sister most days) from work...If I had the house in order, and the smell of supper cooking was emanating from the kitchen...It was like a immediate stress reliever for her...Also it seemed to be like a jolt of lust for her also...She would be in there touching me and flirting...
But my present wife is unaffected by anything I do chore wise....She say's acts of service isn't her love language...But, if I brag on her...(words of affirmation) or take her to and expensive restaurant for a dress up date, or maybe a hiking and camping trip...(quality time)....These type things are what makes her panties fall off....I also agree w/ adhd from birth....My spouse is much more impressed when I do what might be called the normal man projects around the house or yards, over vaccuming and dish washing....
The mind a person lives in is the main thing in this dynamic we are discussing....My first wife had convictions toward what she considered her role and her responsibilities...Convictions that she would put her energy toward....(So she looked at my help as love toward her)...Much different than my present wife....She just don't have the same convictions (no ownership of responsibilities)...She may have them, but, her desire for meaningless frivolity keeps her from putting energy toward the mundane....(Unless she has someone coming and she would be embarrassed, then she works)....So since there is no owenrship convictions, she doesn't feel loved by my work in the house...
It is what it is...:) Acceptance....
c
Good point C. No one is the
Good point C. No one is the same. I don't particularly care if someone does the dishes or vacuums - god knows I've shared housed for so long that I gave up on anyone ADHD or not doing any work in a household some 15 years ago. So much so that I am sometimes overwhelmingly shocked when my partner suddenly goes and cleans all the benches (he worked in catering, can't cope with dirty benches). and so enamored of having a dishwasher for the first time in 38 years that I might actually marry it. I'd rather pay someone to help than have to rely on people.
I am more stress relieved by having someone to do things with, to distract me from my own thoughts, by enthusiasm and sharing and touching than ... anything else. And to sometimes see that I am in pain and yell at me until I stop.
Key point is attention and listening.
--
Quid ignorantia sit multi ignorant.
-- Hugh of Honau
I suspect that the marriages
I suspect that the marriages that have the most sex are the ones that are loving and caring, the wife feels loved and cared for, her needs are made a priority. It’s ludicrous for a man to spend 5, 10, 20 years ignoring his wife, ignoring her health and well being, ignoring her happiness and then pretend to be dazed and confused, or even angry, when she doesn’t want to have sex with him.
It’s an equally ridiculous notion, in my opinion, that a woman is suddenly going to want to have copious amount of sex with a man that has ignored her their entire marriage just because he started washing a few dishes.
If you are a man and you want to have sex with your wife on a regular basis, love her from day one of your marriage. Make her feel loved. Cherish her every single day.
Great point Hopeful Heart....
But, I would add, it works both ways....
c
This stood out to me
.If I had the house in order, and the smell of supper cooking was emanating from the kitchen...It was like a immediate stress reliever for her...Also it seemed to be like a jolt of lust for her also...She would be in there touching me and flirting...
For me, you hit the nail on the head right there. This was an act that you probably did on a regular basis and you did it voluntarily, out of love. I doubt that your wife had to throw a fit, or beg and plead, or guilt you into it. Your wife, also, probably didn’t feel like you had an ulterior motive. Kind acts don’t carry the same weight when we feel like we’re being manipulated. Healthy and loving relationships should be stress relieving, rather than stress and anxiety inducing.
Breaking radio silence
Wow. This describes a significant interaction in my marriage. My husband really did appreciate coming home and having everything in order and a wonderful dinner ready to be served. I did the work without ulterior motive. It was also a "jolt of lust". He was always amorous in the kitchen and appreciative of my efforts...
until... he wasn't and he took it for granted and moved on to some other thing. It became a regular thing in his life and no longer worthy of interest. I suppose that's why he doesn't think I ever really did anything for him because the things I did that were extra and over the top became the norm. Interesting. This forum never ceases to amaze me with insights. At first I think it was a great sense of order and relief for him. He didn't have peace and order in his life. He worked. Work was his focus. He came home. Things were peaceful and in order. That was very different than his old bachelor days. He was well cared for and, honestly, he knew it. He bragged about it to others. I did more for him than any of his friends' wives. Except, he took it for granted. There was no ulterior motive other than to please the person I loved and be a responsible and loving partner.
I did the work. My "reward" was the attention I received which calmed MY stress and overwhelm. I actually verbalized it to him early in our relationship. Very explicitly. Very, very explicitly. I say this because I've often been met with "you never said that" or "we never talked about it" or "you "never told me" or "I never thought about it". O I say this also because other people in our lives leveled charges against me that I wasn't direct enough and didn't say what I needed. It hurt. I didn't stand up to those accusations and instead questioned myself. Now, looking back, I know that I said everything well and directly enough that 95% of the population speaking my language would have understood me.
Anyone? Anyone else heard those exact same words? "I never thought about it" "I'll have to think about it" "I'll get back to you" "It never came up" "You never asked" "We didn't talk about it"
Thing is, I did very directly and clearly say that the time and attention and nurturing and intimacy/sex helped me deal with working full time with kids and a household to manage. I understand now that I was very clear about what I needed to operate at that level. That was our agreement, I guess? I guess I did it from an early stage, but I got what I needed in return until I didn't and I was no longer the shiny object. Then I got tired because I became a maid, basically. What else was I supposed to do to gain his attention? I was already giving everything. Become more interesting? I WAS interesting. I didn't change and become less interesting. I simply became the person he could no longer see. Then, I suddenly got nothing in return. Nothing to sustain me or "fill my bucket' as the therapists like to say.
Then I started to feel manipulated. And lied to, of course. I've already posted about that. Then, there were the activities that led him to seek external validation anywhere else. That was nice. (Insert ultimate sarcasm here).
Strange. That's all I can say. It is so very strange that someone else had the same kitchen and caretaking experience. In fact, I eventually became angry and fussed at him because attention and foreplay only happened in the kitchen where I was actually WORKING to take care of the family. It started to really piss me off. At one point I can remember saying something like, don't I at least deserve a kick ass kitchen, you've improved every other part of the house????
I understand the point of the article and I could argue both sides of do dishes or don't do dishes. Bottom line for me is that I couldn't see incompetence and basic inability to "adult" as sexy. There's been a lot said about this already.
C - The kitchen thing. Wow. I thought that specific to my own life. I didn't and couldn't understand it. I couldn't understand how that activity kicked something into high drive. I think it was a stress reliever for him the same as it would be for me if I walked into the same set of circumstances where I was prepared to eat a great meal prepared by someone else and everything was in order and I walked into peace. It's nice if you got it. It's great if someone else can provide that for you. Maybe one day.
Oh, that's the feeling of being cherished and cared for. That might lead to amorous feelings. Silly me.
Divorce was final last week. He's moving out this week. I am looking forward to walking into a home of peace with me and just me.
Gradually being relegated to the 'pit crew'
'I simply became the person he could no longer see.'
I come to see it as gradually being relegated to the 'pit crew' where all the new tires are attached in record time to enable the ADHD car to zoom around the track. You get to hear yourself as Bill Murray in Caddy Shack where he says 'Hey Lama, How About A Little Something, You Know, For The Effort?'
1000+ days of dishes and counting.
So I did all the dishes, laundry & household chores for over three years ... maybe I should redesign and renovate the house to make an impact?
I relate
I made this mistake and Then chose another ADHD kid/guy. It blows! You would have thought I'd have learned my lesson.
Michelle D.
Of course when you're in a
Of course when you're in a marriage/ relationship where one partner has ADHD and one does not, this whole doing the dishes / chores thing is not going to work. Good intentions Don't Mean a Thing unless you have the actions to back it up.
Treating your wife like a human being, actually caring about her her feelings how she's doing Etc leads to more sex. Not pretending you care or only paying attention to her when you want sex. That doesn't work at all. I can see through the bullshit a mile away. I know when someone's being manipulative.