We had this post from one of our readers and wanted to write a bit in response about the defensiveness many men feel when approached about having ADHD and/or going on medication. The post:
"I can TOTALLY relate to the anger/defensiveness that other posters are bringing up. Most of my family has ADD so I understand it. My SO of 4 years has it was diagnosed about 3 years ago (thanks to my encouraging him to get diagnosed). Anyway, he refuses to get on medication. I've tried every way imaginable to communicate with him with no avail. Doesn't matter how I say it or explain I'm not upset with him or think it is his fault. He gets royally ticked off and loses his temper. I can't take his temper anymore. I would be more positive on "trying" if he would understand that his ADD does cause problems and WE both need to find solutions. It is very obvious he has low self esteem. What really upsets me is how he spins whatever I say to be my fault. To him I'm just a very negative person. I can't tell him when something bothers me because he gets defensive and thinks I'm being "negative". I'm at the end of my rope. I think the only way this would work is if I just excepted status quo and I can't live like that. I have also noticed whatever I tell him I need he almost unconsciencly does the exact opposite."
Walter's Response:
The situation you are describing is repeated daily between hundrends of thousands of couples who are dealing with ADHD symptoms. It seems that it would make sense that to talk to someone carefully and gently about their challenges would seem welcomed, right? Well, it sounds like your significant other is caught by at least two powerful dynamics in his life. He is male, and, he is a male with ADHD.
Most people with undiagnosed or misunderstood ADHD grow up hearing a constant refrain. “You should be able to do better” or “just work a little harder”. I recently asked an intelligent, beautiful, athletic and successful young woman what the word was that she most often used to describe herself. She said, “Inadequate”. When people see themselves as chronically inadequate, they cannot possibly have a great self-esteem. When those around them comment on their behavior and their actions, there is a predictable response comprised of anger or withdrawal/avoidance.
The problem here is that even if you think you are ringing a small bell when making an observation, what is heard by your partner is a banging gong of criticism that never is completely silenced and always ready to be activated. The other problem you confront is that your significant other is male. I run men’s groups and I always start new groups with this question: When you were a small boy, what message did you receive about expressing feelings/emotions? The nearly universal response to this question is “don’t”. Your partner has a condition that was likely never understood for what is was, leaving him to figure it out for himself and I would almost guarantee that his own perception was that he was stupid, lazy or inadequate. In addition, he likely never felt permission to talk about these feelings with anyone. He sounds stuck and you sound understandably frustrated and sad.
You clearly want what is best for your friend and have tried several approaches. What he may not do for himself, he may do for you. Ask him to see a professional to support you. Tell him that you need guidance so that you can feel more successful in the relationship and be less “negative”. He needs to get in front of someone who can help him understand that what he is feeling is NOT his fault but that he is pushing others away. My guess is that he wants you very much at his side. Good luck! Walter Walter Sherburne, LICSW, is an individual and family therapist at the Hallowell Center and maintains a private practice. An expert in child welfare and mental health treatment, Mr. Sherburne is a consultant and speaker. He can be contacted at [email protected].
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Comments
How do I hear the bell instead of the gong?
This is part of the problem I am having right now and why I am looking through this website. If my wife is ringing a small bell and I'm hearing a banging gong of criticism, which I am aware happens all the time and wish didn't, how do I hear the bell instead of the gong? I often think she is saying something louder and more critical than what she is actually saying. Partially because she gets really worked up and emotional when she is talking to me about something that hurt her feelings. I get frustrated that I can't respond properly and sad that I am hurting her feelings by exploding, but I don't know how to not react with that explosive frustration. It's like an automatic switch which I am not in control of.
Make it a bell
Someone has already written about how non-ADHDers sometimes feel they must increase the intensity of their words because the more dramatic response is sometimes more effective (at least short-term). Try the communication section, or maybe someone else can reiterate.
I'm the ADHD spouse
Sorry I wasn't clear but I'm the ADHD spouse hearing the gong, which is what I thought the original blog was saying. I read everything in the communication section and didn't see any suggestions on how an ADHD person can tone down this hyper-critical reaction to things which aren't as critical as I think are. There has to be a way stop the frustrated response before it happens or understand things better without getting frustrated that I can't understand.
I Hope Someone Has a Suggestion for You
Hi Fuser,
I commend you on your awareness of your part in this dynamic by coming to the realizetion that you hear a gong and asking for tips on how to hear it a bell. My wife also hears the gong (and maybe an entire percussion section with drums and cymbals and lots of other sounds!) when I think I am just gently ringing the triangle. I know she would appreciate hearing how someone with ADD has learned how not to do that, so I hope you get some suggestions. At this point, I have been looking for suggestions on what *I* can do to sound more like a triangle (or little bell). But I'm sure it would be best if I could learn ways to come across a little softer, and my wife could learn ways to hear me a little softer.
Suggestions
My current marriage is much different than past relationships because I don't have the option of implimenting any of the things that have helped in the past. My wife insists on resolving issues or talking about problems when she is at an emotional breaking point, which usually happens late at night. These are a couple of things that made things a lot easier when talking about important things or problems in the relationship:
1.) Bring up the subject that needs to be talked about very briefly and schedule a time the next day to talk about it. For me at least, it's more difficult to have a long discussion late at night when I'm tired and it's really difficult to only get 4-6 hours of sleep and go to work on time the next morning. It also gives me time to get my defensive reaction in check and approach the problem more objectively.
2.) Give your ADHD spouse extra time to stumble on his/her words and thoughts. It can take us much longer to grasp what we want to say and get it out of our mouths. This also means trying hard not to interupt, especially if a thought hasn't been articulated yet.
3.) If a problem has many different facets, focus on only one at a time. Don't say, "this is wrong, this is wrong and this is also wrong." I can't keep track of and respond to three seperate things. By the time I try and talk about the first thing, I've forgotten the other two.
4.) Don't yell, swear or get super emotional. If you do, take a cigarette break or a short walk outside to calm down. This goes for both parties in the conversation. So it also follows that it's necessary to allow the other person to take that break if they need to. Also, don't blame the other person for getting frustrated or super emotional. Those emotions are valid responses to a difficulty communicating. They shouldn't be as big of a problem as the actual problem you are trying to address. Give each other a little leway to make emotional mistakes and don't take it so personally.
5.) Sometimes it helps to write things down and try to answer questions in writing. Subtlety and emotional may get lost in the writing and that has to be understood, but it can be a lot easier for an ADHD person to focus on one problem at a time and write a response than it is to understand and try to find the words in the moment. Then after things are read you can both talk about what was written.
6.) Don't expect the ADHD person to remember everything that has been said or even what was said a couple of minutes ago. Don't blame them for not remember and don't tell them to try harder or that they don't care. They probably do care and might be trying as hard as they can. That pressure can easily add to the frustration. Be patient and be prepared to explain things many times and in many different ways.
7.) Have some kind of code word or action to let the ADHD person know that they are over-reacting and don't get pissed at them for over-reacting. If you don't get pissed and let them know what they are doing, they might just calm down right away and be back to normal. If you get pissed that they are frustrated, it will get even worse and they will get more defensive and frustrated.
Personally, I want to try and attack that frustration at the root and quell it, so the responsibility of working with my problems doesn't lay so much on my wifes shoulders. But she seems unwilling to accept and work with my problems and sometimes I feel that she expects too much of me. There are certain things that I am not unwilling to do but unable to do, like keep track of a bunch of different things in my head at the same time, perceive time normally or form my words as quickly as most people. At least I think that is an inability and not an unwillingness and I accepted that in myself long ago.
being less defensive
The original comment that I am responding to was written a LONG time ago, but I'm aware that sometimes people go back and re-read things, so I'm going to respond here, because there is actually a lot of information available now on this topic that wasn't in 2010. Research now confirms that ADHD has very strong emotions as a 'core characteristic' of ADHD. Which means (among other things) that what should be a 'bell' sounds like a 'gong.' It's a physiological alarm response that sends people with ADHD into the fight/flight part of their brain faster than others might go; or sometimes it's an inability to access the logical thinking part of the brain to help apply the brakes. Whether that 'wiring' is the result of original physiology or acquired through life as a result of repeated injury/trauma (for example, being criticized all the time and now feeling a huge amount of easily accessed shame) it turns out that one of the best ways to address the issue is actually with medications. For many people, at least (not all). The meds that are used to manage emotional regulation issues (i.e. hearing a gong instead of the bell) are in different classes. For some people stimulants are enough. But for others, non-stimulants such as SNRIs and even anti-hypertensives, such as clonadine and guanfacine are what might do the trick.
For trauma-induced issues, therapy can also help. Emotionally focused therapy and trauma-oriented therapies such as EMDR can be very useful, as can (for some) attachment therapy.
That's a long way of saying that there is help...and that the paths are more obvious now than they were in 2010. It is the job of the person with the ADHD to manage the ADHD emotional issues - the other partner can't do it because they aren't in control of the alarm physiology in your body.
That said, non-ADHD partners can improve their own contributions to interactions by making sure they are respectful. That won't help what the 'bell/gong' poster was talking about for that ADHD partner will most likely move to that fast response no matter how it's said. But it will help the non-ADHD partner feel better about his or her role as a partner. Both of you, regardless of what is going on, deserve to be approached with respect whenever possible. If your partner hasn't heard what you said the first two times you have said it, try getting their attention in a respectful way, such as walking up to them and saying "Hey, could I have your attention for a moment? There is something I want to ask" and then waiting for them to look you in the eye.
Tough One
As I was reading the 2010 post, I was saying in my head OMG, that is my husband, and I was hoping there was a solution as I kept reading, but don't think there was one, except being respectful which I am. Then as I was reading Melissa's post I kept looking for an answer, and didn't find one. Then read the post of another person, and said yes, he gets a free pass again. What are we the non-adhd supposed to do. I know medication will help but what happens when your husband refuses any help, how do you deal with the ADHD issues, I would really love to know??? I did join the non-adhd group, which we had our first meeting yesterday, and I cried like a baby after the meeting as I was so relived that I wasn't the only one going through this. I hope we can touch on this subject.
What to do
I just responded to what to do...which is to acknowledge you aren't in control of what your partner does, but to encourage your partner to get emotions under control...see my post above about meds.
You may wish to consider my couples seminar in either format, as it will also provide more detailed information about the specifics.
The cause of divorce in ADHD-impacted couples is not the ADHD - it's denial that the ADHD is an issue in the ADHD partner, or denial that parenting behaviors are an issue in the non-ADHD partner. Both partners much engage with the many ways they can improve their relationship and with the problems that their own behaviors cause. It takes work. Sadly, you can't control whether or not your partner is doing the work. And watching when a partner refuses to the work is a certain type of torturous pain. I'm delighted you're in one of the support groups and urge other non-ADHD partners to consider the same because it really is a uniquely supportive experience to be with others who are going through the same issues.
Yes Torurous pain
Thank you for the response, it is torturous pain that he is not willing to do anything about the ADHD, I'm learning that I can only take care of myself but that I can learn how to react to him also. I also have stopped the parenting behaviors, but I'm still doing most things because he is not computer savy, so I handle anything that has to do with the computer, like Amazon, paying bills, ordering dog food, making appointments for the dogs when needed, ect. I don't call in his rx's anymore for refills, I will pick them up as it is on my way home from work and I don't mind. I don't clean his room or bathroom anymore, and that has been a big relief. I also through my own therapy, have learned to deal with my anxiety as I thought I needed to do everything. We don't have kids, but we do have five dogs. I'm off every Tuesday, and thought that it was my responsibly to clean the whole house, make sure it was neat, now I say hey I'm not in the mood to clean I don't if it doesn't bother him why should it bother me.
Yes even though it has only been our first meeting I'm hoping to learn how to deal with someone who is in denial about the ADHD, and how to interact with them. Also how to deal with his hyperactive personality when he comes home from work hyper, and can't calm down all night. Like we were watching TV they whole night he kept responding back to the TV show, like no that's the wrong way to investigate, or no that cope should have not done that, ect. It is very annoying as I can't hear, so I calmly said can you please stop talking back to the TV, he of course got defensive, and said well you do it, I said yea but not all night, he rolled his eyes, and didn't do it the rest of the night.
DARVO'd again
So much fun guessing how to kiss his ass to get him to stop being defensive and abusive if I have so much as a negative thought in his presence. There's no way to bring a problem or complaint that won't result in a defensive reaction that blames me for the conflict entirely, and accuses me of not being "understanding" of his ADHD and deliberately hurting HIM by telling him that his behavior hurt me. Then comes the apology for the defensiveness (but not the actual issue), and the promise to not be defensive next time. Nothing is resolved for me, and he gets his Free Pass because of ADHD, and he plays the victim guilting me for even bringing something up. Rinse and repeat. Nope, he knows how to act, or at least he did know right up to the marriage. I'm still the same person, just getting married means I am just supposed to keep turning the other cheek. I'm out of cheeks to turn, and done trying to love someone who knows he's perfect, and that the whole problem is I just don't give him enough chances.