Work/life balance is a challenge for many couples, and ADHD can make things worse. It could be that an ADHD partner is in a high intensity job that requires long hours almost as a price of entry. So, it’s possible ADHD doesn’t have anything to do with long work hours that are affecting you and your family.
However, ADHD often plays a role.
Some symptoms of ADHD, such as difficulty planning, chronic distraction, and difficulty completing tasks, can make executing projects in an efficient manner hard to do. Work days may extend to compensate for symptoms, or to double check you’ve gotten the details just right. In the course of working with many couples, here are some of the work issues I’ve seen that are related to ADHD:
- Difficulty with planning and organizing - takes longer to do the same amount of work. Address this with EF skills training with a good ADHD coach that specializes in business issues.
- Fear of failure leading to needing to get it 'just right', which takes extra time (the person spends a huge amount of time double checking work, and lots of time on the last 5% of a project. Address this anxiety with Cognitive Behavioral Training (CBT) to start moving away from fear about needing to do it better.)
- Wanting to avoid interacting with family. It’s more rewarding to work than to have difficult or fraught interactions with a partner. Time working becomes the unassailable escape from difficult to manage conflict. Address this with therapy with an ADHD-savvy professional.
- General lack of awareness of time – the partner simply isn’t aware that time is passing and frequently arrives home much later than agreed to for no reason other than that they got caught up in stuff at work
- ‘Night owl’ biological clock – many with ADHD are night-owls and therefore may work at home or office late into the evening because it’s a particularly productive time of day for them. These folks also tend to sleep in late, increasing friction at home if a partner needs assistance with kids in the morning. Address this through negotiation around what is needed by each partner.
- Sleep deprivation – many with ADHD have difficulty sleeping well, resulting in sleep deprivation that worsens ADHD symptoms and therefore negatively impacts their performance. They may need longer work hours to compensate. Address this by creating a sleep hygiene regimen that increases total hours of sleep.
- Slow reader – many with ADHD are slow readers or avoid reading all together. If an ADHD partner is in a job with a lot of reading or report writing, this could add to hours. This might be addressed in a number of ways – partnering with others for writing; moving to a job that requires less reading; getting eye tracking training to improve reading speed and comprehension and more.
- Too many distractions – the work environment doesn’t allow for an easily-distracted ADHDer to settle into a project to complete it. There are too many phone calls, emails, people stopping by, and other distractions. Working during ‘off hours’ provides more focused time. Address this by clearing times for uninterrupted work. That might mean only reading emails twice a day; using headphones to block out distractions; closing an office door (particularly at home) or finding a quieter place to work.
- Work supports self-image - for some with ADHD (particularly some men), I see that work may feel like the one place where they excel. Their reward-focused brain draws them to spending more time with this rewarding activity, and less time in the sometimes emotion-laden home/family life.
One resource for ways to address time management issues is the book ADHD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life. Though I most often recommend it for issues at home, it can also shed light on ways to improve time management at work.
- MelissaOrlov's blog
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Comments
Sounds too familiar
I have been dealing for 40+ years with husband who values clients/work more than our relationship despite his insistence to the contrary. It has now reached the point that husband uses personal funds to support business at all cost. I have been unable to work around this situation, and now am doing what I can to secure my financial future since husband is unwilling/I able to do so. All points in this blog entry are definitely experience by husband!!
Never thought I would have to protect myself from my partner in life--very sad.
Too difficult to accept
I sometimes wonder about this goal of "improving" the adhd relationship falling on the non-adhd spouse. Many of the behaviors/symptoms of someone with adhd mean that their "personality traits" won't improve over time, but will in fact get worse. This leaves the non-adhd spouse with the prospect of being left emtpy-handed later in life--when they need a supportive spouse the most. After a lifetime of "making it work" and "helping" the adhd spouse deal with their diagnosis, their life, their job, etc., it seems to me to be a real kick in the face. Shouldn't the narrative be "get out while you can until the person with adhd figures out their problems themselves, and only when it's a healthy relationship should you return"? Seems like THAT'S what's best for ALL involved. I don't think this toxic positivity message is healthy for the non-adhd spouse.
I agree with this
I know there are SOME success stories, however, I think those are almost exclusively owned by couples where the partner with ADHD took real ownership and made significant changes. I 100% agree the prevailing narrative is far too falsely positive and favours the wellbeing and comfort of the individual with ADHD while almost wholly neglecting the wellness of the partner without it. Advice to me as the Non-ADHD spouse from well-known authorities on ADHD included lowering my expectations (which were already rock bottom), praising intentions (um, no... actions please), grieving the relationship (but staying in that unhealthy relationship nonetheless!?), stopping my "nagging" (it's not nagging to remind a partner to do something they promised to do, "nagging" makes us sound like whiny villains and also puts the responsibility for change on the WRONG partner), stopping my "anger" (a healthy emotion designed to let me know something is wrong!), etc. I mean... what? In general, I found a major lack of care given to the quality of life of the Non-ADHD spouse, and would have preferred the brutal honesty you suggested. I would have seen a lot faster that my spouse had no intention of changing anything and could have made healthier decisions for myself earlier that might have prevented several now-lifelong stress-related health problems. We don't have ADHD but we matter too.
Like
I often wish there was a like button on here - you are so right.
Yes
That is so crushingly well put.
I'm right now crying in bed because I'm hosting extended family and just got my feelings hurt. The loneliness in the presence of my ADD partner kills me.
Maybe I should just give up trying to save our marriage.
Right on point
Yes ma'am! The non spouse is advised to change their approach, wait until the room is quiet and the perfect environment to have a chat which eventually morphs into a circular conversation and an argument. Next, we are to tamp down feelings to accommodate the inability of partner to follow through. Realistically, what can an unhappy partner do when ADD partner doesn't follow through? The answer is get divorced or pick up all the slack and drive your health into the ground because any therapy or coaching is short lived no matter how dedicated they seem in the beginning. Eventually you walk around on eggshells and end up arguing when an incident like the kids are left standing in the rain waiting outside of school (or some similar egregious scenario) and you're back to square one. On paper all the mentioned tips might work but in my situation the accommodations for H just meant that he would do less. Depending on someone with ADD to do what they promise is a fool's errand. Often the non spouse is left to smooth things over and clean up the mess when things go south.
Nailed it
These are such great examples, ADHD32. We are labeled "codependent" which I think is very rarely actually true (rather we've been forced into survival mode) while "ADHD" can barely be whispered. Wouldn't want to upset them, but it's fine to blame the victim for overcompensating (which we sure as hell don't want to!).
Lost it today
I finally lost it today as I had requested my spouse not work 24/7, 7 days a week. I had spoken to him about taking time off, maybe 1 day a week, for several months. After being told multiple times that he would check his schedule and get back to me (he never did), I was very angry and nasty today. Rather than take responsibility, he told me he was baffled why I chose to be nasty rather than simply ask him again?!?!?! What???? Does he not see the pain and frustration he causes? I told him that I feel unloved and neglected due to this behavior -- he acted shocked. I am worn out by the chronic stress of trying to prop up the relationship (after near 41 years) not to mention what we both have been through since 2017 in caring for our elderly parents (started with total of 4 and are now done to 1). I can no longer do it all. I am trying my best, but there is a cost for not taking care of myself. I would like to retire (will be 65 next year), but with his inability to even create a budget for his business, I just see disaster looming in future when his business is non supporting (once again) and he takes from household funds to support it.
I have spoken to lawyers. Since we are a community property state, not much I can do to protect myself financially without a post nuptial agreement or divorce.
I too feel as if there is very little compassion shown to the non ADHD spouse. We are supposed to be ever patient and supportive while not receiving any support ourselves. What about my feelings?
Agree
I have been told by my ADHD partner I over think things and so anxious. But I would not have to be if they paid attention to all the details I have to to keep things running the way they do. So I am always over compensating.. I have been struggling with a lot of what everyone been saying. Is this struggle worth it for my own well being and my children. Feel as though some days it is and others it is not.
Not sure who to reply to, so I'll reply to the original comment.
Let me start by saying that I am the ADHD-Spouse. I just found this site and have been reading through it and so many things are hitting home. All of the replies to your comment seem to speak about me in my relationship with my wife and I want to do something about it, I am just not sure what. My wife and I have been married for 29 years and things just keep getting worse, especially in the last few years. I have been guilty of all that you and the other people who have replied have echoed and I don't want to be that guy! I have been going to a therapist for a few months and it does help...to some degree. This is the 4th time I have tried therapy. There has been trauma identified from my past as well as a lot of other things that have come up about how I was raised, etc. On the first and second time, I felt like I was being placated by my therapist and on the third, I went back to my Psychologist and specifically said that I thought I had ADHD. He did some testing and confirmed that it was pretty severe but then he seemed too busy to fit me into his schedule. I recently found another Therapist that I feel really comfortable with and she has opened up some very interesting things in me. Anyway, while this is great and all, I am still struggling. I am not opposed to meds but I keep getting the "I'm not big on just giving meds" statement from doctors and I feel like if I go elsewhere, I'll be looked at as med shopping. I know my wife is hurting in so many ways and I just don't know what to do. Finances are a huge part of the problem with us. I make a pretty good living but I do tend to work a lot of extra stuff. In so many ways, it has helped us but to me it's the easy answer when she would like me to be more a part of the discussion instead. This is where it gets really hard for me. The anxiety is absolutely crushing as I feel like a total failure when it comes to finances. Like I said before, it has gotten worse in the past few years and she finally let me know why. She just stopped taking up the slack...to some degree. She still does soooo much around the household but there are several things that she just started letting me fail at. I understand why and I respect that decision but it has made things so much worse and I find myself sinking back into that hole without even realizing it's happening and things just spiral. She is fed up and I get it. At least when I am thinking straight. When confronted, I feel like a child being scolded. I don't fault her for that. Therapy is teaching me that this is something that developed as I was a kid and have not been able to reconcile.
I am sorry if I went off on a rant here but sometimes, it help to write it down of speak about it but I wanted to just tell you all, that you really struck a nerve in me, reading through your messages.I see your frustration and pain in my own wife and it saddens me deeply. I hope you can all find comfort and peace in your relationships. It shouldn't all be about you trying harder. it's aready hard enough.