ADHD and Marriage: “I’m Worn Out”, Round Two

I met and fell in love with my guy two years ago and it was a hard, hard fall. He is a truly good person, cares deeply, has a brilliant mind and has struggled with ADHD all of his life. He's been on medication for a long time. I am learning -- we are finding our way -- through conflicts/contrasts in organization, time utilization, etc... but there is one area that is pivotal to me for the success of our relationship and he is determined that I am simply "wrong" or "inflexible" or "too rigid." We are both 51. We knew each other casually in high school and were serendipitously reconnected by a mutual acquaintance 30-some years later, when both of us had been living in different cities for most of that time. The power of our connection was instantaneous, overwhelming, delightful, a huge surprise for each of us. We'd both been living as singles, not dating, for at least a decade (even longer for me). To fall in love as we did in midlife seemed a truly wondrous gift. Most of our relationship was long distance for more than a year, with a few visits during, until last March, when he moved across country to live with me and my teenage daughter for five months. Most of that time was unexpectedly (for me) marked by severe depression for him, and a whole lot of sleeping. He sought (at my insistence and with my help, organizationally and financially) and obtained some help and the depression is well under control with meds and lots of work on his part. Still, at the end of those five months --- during which my house was on the market, finally sold, and we made a move (locally), I was exhausted. When I accepted a job outside the home for the first time in 15 years (I'd been self-employed), I knew the sleep situation had to change. I asked him to move out and not return until he could commit to a better sleep schedule --- i.e., going to bed before midnight and getting up in the morning. I emphasized that if he were to return, it was THE ONE ISSUE that I would not negotiate on. Not having any friends or family in my town, he moved back across country, 1300 miles away. Throughout his 4-5 month absence, he assured me he was working on this and things were "very different." Yet he returned several weeks ago, fully preparing to "move in and stay" and things have rapidly gone to hell because of "the sleep thing." He stays up all night or most of the night, goes to bed when he feels like it and gets up when he feels like it, which is rarely before noon. He has no job and I'm the breadwinner. I go to bed alone most nights, wake up alone, and when it's the weekend feel I spend most of it alone because he's sleeping and when he gets up, it's two to three hours for coffee and paper.... and the cycle repeats. I've learned the importance of good sleep and schedule personally over the past few years. When I was approaching menopause I began having sleep disturbances and suffered thru for two years. *(Prior, I'd never had trouble with sleep EVER in my life!) It was manageable because I was self-employed at home at the time and could work around my fatigue. Having gone back to work in an organization this year, I quickly found setting and keeping a schedule for me was key. I can't function well on any level if I'm not well rested. I have to be in bed by 10 or 11 so I can get up by 6 a.m. My job is creative and intellectual, I work with lots of media outlets and community leaders and I must be sharp and productive. It's anything but a desk job. My problem is that even though I keep to my schedule, I don't sleep well because even though my partner is "quiet" he is up and doing things and I feel the energy working through the house. So my sleep is more like dozing. When he does finally come to bed, it awakens me, and also disrupts. Sometimes he wants to be intimate when he gets in bed and frankly, it, too, feels disruptive if it's during the work week. (Our sex life has otherwise been more rich and loving than anything I'd ever experienced my entire adult life. Unlike some ADD folks, my man is extremely caring and attentive.) But then when I have to get up on time, am groggy, not rested, and he is blissfully sleeping away.... I'm resentful. Exhausted, resentful, and losing hope. He'll "try" for a night or two... and when he does that, I am SO happy, it's such a joy to fall asleep with him next to or holding me, and to see him in the light of morning get up. But then it's as if he thinks "okay, I did it, now I can do what I really want" and goes back to his old ways. And, as is typical, the more I push, the more he resists. He thinks I need to be more flexible about the whole thing. It's hard for me to find a way to that because I'm exhausted and lonely when he continues the up all night sleep all day pattern. Further, though I know his "intention" is to find work, I doubt that he ever will. This schedule very neatly keeps him out of the world and in a comfort zone that seems self-perpetuating but non-productive. The future looks bleak to me.... one of fatigue, complete responsibility for financial, and a lot of loneliness. Once he is up during the day, he does things around the house --- of his choosing. Vacuuming, fixing something on the car, occasionally cleaning up the kitchen, etc. He is trying to be, as he says, "helpful," so I don't have to do those things. While I'm appreciative (what a treat they are, sometimes!) they don't make up for what seems like eroding intimacy and good feelings between us. I honestly believe I could live with his disorganization, the messes, dust, whatever IF HE WOULD JUST GO TO BED WITH ME AT NIGHT AND GET UP IN THE MORNING! Even within an hour or two of each other would be significant and meaningful to me. We have talked and talked and talked about this and on the one hand, he says he "doesn't like it (the up all night) either," and he wants it to be different, I don't entirely believe him. My perspective is that if you want something, truly want it, badly enough, you will do whatever it takes. Last spring, when he was being treated for depression and seeing a psychiatrist, the doc strongly encouraged a better sleep regimen and also provided a sleep aid to help that along. He did nothing with it. He'll say one thing, but his actions say something else. I cannot change him; he has to want the change. His latest tack on this is that I need to change and be more "flexible" with it. I want to be fair, considerate, and compassionate, but this seems manipulative and indicative of an attitude that deep down is "victim"-like --- i.e., "I can't help it." My love has had a complex, jarring and painful time of it during the past 15 years, including the death of two siblings (both of whom he was extremely close to), a divorce that is still not "over" (she yanks him into court 3 to 5 times a year, for nearly a DECADE now), the loss of a healthy relationship with his children (which he has fought for tirelessly), the loss of employment (he once had a 20-year highly successful, very lucrative career), a bout of drug addiction and treatment (he has been clean for more than a decade, and doesn't drink alcohol ever, for 20 years)--- all of which over time spiraled him into depression and also a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder as well. That he is doing as well as he is, is remarkable testament to his strength and determination. I admire him greatly for working hard, in starts and stops, to get through these things. Many of them were not disclosed to me for a long time. His remaining family is distant, geographically and emotionally, unsupportive and have pretty much abandoned him with labels of lazy, demands to "just get a job," etc. This is not just his "take" on things; I've witnessed some of it. When I fell in love with this man, I vowed to myself that I would be the one person who would not abandon him, who would be there, thick and thin, and believe in him. Now I am struggling to hold onto that. And feel guilty as hell for it. I read one of the doctors mention of realizing she had to determine her own happiness and not rely on her ADD spouse for that. It resonated within me deeply as I've been realizing the same thing. That said, while I am capable of doing my own thing and keeping my own schedule (I've been a rather independent spirit most of my life and can be totally happy on my own), it makes me terribly sad not to have much intersection with my partner. What's the point? It begins to feel like the proverbial roommate arrangement, and I'm footing the bill. I am so very, very torn and yet do not feel I can continue this. It's worn me down to a shell of who I used to be. I'm now relying on Lunesta occasionally and am taking very occasionally some anti-anxiety meds as well, but they seem like bandaids and I'm nervous about dependency. And even when I've told him I'm taking a Lunesta (which is effective only if you truly have the whole time to let it work), he will awaken me in the middle of the night when he comes to bed and wants "to talk." It's that self-focus thing of his, which intellectually I understand, but emotionally see as, quite simply, selfish. Further, when I resist the middle of the night talks or desire for sexual intimacy, he then turns that into I'm "rejecting him" or am "repulsed by him" --- neither of which is true at all. All the whining aside.... obviously I need to vent... I am simultaneously ready to completely end this relationship (it's exhausting and seems like he's making all the withdrawals while I'm making all the deposits) and heartbroken at the prospect of losing a love that is truly of the rare variety. We connect intellectually, have great respect for each other otherwise, share strong values, etc. He has a huge heart, tremendous patience (most of the time), would and has done almost anything and everything for others in need. Except, of course, this one thing I've articulated is so important to me. He has seen the Hallowell books (I bought him one to keep when we're apart, and there's a second version here at my house), he's bright enough to know that there are ways to address ADD tendencies, and yet he dismisses them. Somehow, it all comes back to being some deficiency in me (my language) that is responsible. I feel as if my life has gotten stuck in this strange place for two years. I want to live well, exercise my talents, joy, give back to the world, grow, have new experiences, and all of it as often as possible with my partner. That probability seems to be shrinking by the minute. I want to do what is right for me but also want to honor and fight for this relationship. I'm not a saint and don't have all the answers and I'm far from perfect. I tend to be impatient, and perhaps over-intellectualize, be overly emotional, or simply detach. I'm aware of my shortcomings and most of the time work hard to not give in to them. I have made mistakes. I work to learn from them. But when do I concede to failure? When do I know that it's reasonable to let it go and move on? How do I know it's still worth fighting for? Because he's not employed, he has no resources to simply "get an apartment" across town. If we end this, he'll likely move back to the midwest, move in with a severely alcoholic brother, and remain as I sometimes think of it, "in the dark." The prospect makes me very sad for him and sad for me --- to lose or give up what seems to otherwise have tremendous potential. We DO love each other, of that there is no doubt. We are both very unhappy, confused, stressed to the limit, and could use some guidance. Any thoughts and ideas are welcome. Thanks so much.

20 years of devotion to a wonderful and ADD diagnosed woman. I am tired and lonely, frustrated and .... under fire. Both teenage daughters are diagnosed. One boy crazy and the other failing in school. Mom watch's TV and surfs the web. Won't talk to me, talking "irritates her". Seems to them I am the problem. I have rules and structure - of all things, Is there somwhere I can go and get ADD? Maybe then I could be a part of my family and enjoy life with them.