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This is an intensely interesting thread, I think, and it gets at some really basic issues - what makes a "good" relationship?  What is the glue that holds us together?  What sorts of "sacrifices" in a marriage are good or helpful, if any?  Are there ways to get someone who seeks stimulation an alternative?

Your response to your husband's behavior must be your own...I can only provide you some details about my own experience, which in this case does not mirror yours exactly.  Also, I can share some observations about successfully handling these types of stresses.  Remember as I do this that I am not a trained therapist or doctor - you are reading my opinions and that's it.  (I like to think I'm balanced and thoughtful, but that's for you to decide.)

First, let me say that while I think there is a role for a non-ADD spouse to play in helping her husband overcome ADD issues, I do not think that it is her duty to do so, nor do I think that staying in a relationship for the sake of another person (i.e. a child) is always the right path.  I agree with the post that ADDer has added to this conversation, though, when he/she says it takes courage to stay and make things better...I disagree when he/she says "you have the power to transform your man and turn his life around".  You can create a loving, supporting environment in which it is easier for him to turn his life around, but only HE can turn his life around.  Falling for the idea that you can turn someone else's life around is one reason why so many non-ADD spouses are miserable - they can't figure out why all of their effort yields so little progress.

So, on to your specific situation - your relationship around your husband's need for stimulation, and his current feeding of that need with phone sex or chasing women, or whatever he's doing on the phone.  First, let me congratulate you on taking control of your own feelings about his past behavior and stopping your own detective work.  That takes self control, as well as a good head on your shoulders.  The detective work was only hurting you, as you figured out, by making you crazy.

You say that your husband has overcome other high stimulation behaviors in the past, yet suggest that he has moved onto different high stim behaviors in so doing.  What could he do differently to lessen his need for the stimulation?  Different treatment?  Incremental exercise (a different type of stimulation might be to run marathons or the like)?  And how does this particular type of behavior affect the two of you vs. other possible replacement candidates?  (race car driving?  bungee jumping?  gambling - which I wouldn't recommend!)  You have a right to ask that he not betray you either emotionally or physically, though to be honest as you describe his behavior it doesn't actually sound as if he is doing either (if you are right that he doesn't follow up with these women - I'm always skeptical of that particular claim, but that's me - you're on the ground there, not me.)

I can understand his issues with marriage, to be frank.  The thought of "forever" can be scary if you aren't feeling just right about what is going on around you.  There are burdens and responsibilities that come along with child rearing that could easily scare anyone who doubted his/her own ability to provide adequately (however you describe that - financially, emotionally, etc.)  I'm guessing that part of your husband's fear of marriage has to do with his own self-doubt...if you are single and decide that you aren't up to the tasks or responsibilities of any given relationship for whatever reason, you can just walk out (make some excuse, even) and move on to a more comfortable place.  Sounds much easier than the long-term commitments of marriage, even if in the long term it is also less fulfilling (remember lots of ADD people don't think in terms of the long term very well....)  Plus, for someone who is into stimulation, infatuation is great...the forever of marriage might be pretty darned hard.  That said, I'm very pro-marriage because I do believe that a good one provides a stability and security that is hard to beat.

So, your options....one would be that you could "become more French" as I think of it (and apologies to the French...I'm not picking on you).  Couples make all sorts of arrangements - some of which include a certain amount of getting what you need outside the marriage with the acknowledgement of the other spouse.  Some people do this very successfully...not sure from your note if you would be able to be one of them.  Certainly, you would need to be clear about why you set up an alternative sort of relationship, what you both got out of it, and what the boundaries are.

Next option - work to get your husband's need for high stim under control.  To do this would take a carefully coordinated set of agreements - that he start seeing his therapist more regularly and around this particular topic, that he consider experimenting with his ADD treatments to get this particular symptom more under control (this could be medicinal experimentation as well as non-medicinal...I wonder if a very rigorous physical regimen could help him address this particular symptom by replacing the phone calls with high-stim exercise...or possibly meditation????  A doctor might help him experiment with different approaches...)  Anyway, the need for high stimulation is a symptom...treating like one that isn't well addressed at this juncture my help him find a way to better control it.

Next option - accept that he will always need high stimulation and make a concerted effort to channel this need more productively.  I wasn't kidding when I suggested race cars above...or perhaps skiing or some other adrenaline activity.  Think through the profile of what he might choose...to support this approach and to remain connected, you will likely need to either adopt his hobby or at least be willing to go along with him to enjoy it as a spectator....

Next option - force a crisis.  You have already laid down the law about another affair, you could choose to also extend that to mean he must end all not-above-board relationships with other women.  He would then have to decide whether he wanted the stimulation more than his marriage.

These aren't mutually exclusive options...but you must look deep inside yourself to decide what it is YOU want and can live with, for there are consequences to any choice you make.  As you can't control his behavior, you must be sure that the choice that you make is one that you will feel good about making - in other words don't choose one over the other because you think it has a higher chance of changing his behavior, but rather because you feel that it is the best option for you and for both of you at this time.

I cheer you on for your attitude - and think that you are doing marvellously well with this difficult situation.  You are showing great strength and understanding, and encourage you to continue doing the same...provided that you do not sacrifice your core beliefs in any response you might choose.  As it happens, you are doing what I would do...requesting change, setting boundaries around key issues that are critical to you, trying to create an atmosphere in which your husband feels "safe" to make the changes he needs to make.  You are right to attribute your husband's behavior to his ADD symptoms, but also right to suggest that the symptom may be a reason, but shouldn't be an excuse to continue.  I urge you to remain thoughtful and flexible at this time.

Not sure if this is helpful...I would like to be able to provide some magic insight, but can't other than to say that choosing a response in this type of situation is very personal - listen to your heart...just make sure not to sublimate your own needs in a way that diminish you as a person...for you will both lose (as will your marriage) if you do.