The study of mindfulness is showing promise for improving the lives of couples impacted by ADHD, and has already been shown to relieve stress and physical pain.
One of the areas in which I think it helps couples impacted by adult ADHD is in learning to notice and accept your emotions rather than let them build on themselves. In other words, if you notice and appreciate both the bodily sensation of your emotions (for example, a tightening of the chest or increased heart rate when you are anxious) and also appreciate the presence of the emotion, without letting either of those things ramp you up further, then you have better control of those emotions.
Author Hugh Byrne will release his book, The Here-and-Now Habit: How Mindfulness Can Help You Break Unhealthy Habits Once and for All
“Much of the stress, anxiety, and suffering in our lives comes from not bringing wise attention to our thoughts and beliefs, and treating them as “true.” We get swept up by the stories we tell ourselves.”
Byrne talks about habits of response to difficult feelings – zoning out in response to stress, for example, or (in the case of couples work) perhaps retreating or fighting back.
One of the ways that couples get caught up in the stories we tell ourselves is that we believe that since X bad thing happened to us in the past, it will therefore happen to us again in our future. Once an ADHD partner has shown he is unreliable, for example, he will *sadly” always be unreliable because 'that's just how he is.". Once a non-ADHD partner has developed the habit of nagging to get things done, s/he will always ‘be a nag’ because "she just has to be in control."
These stories are simply not true. Once couples have the right tools in place, they can dramatically change their behaviors, as well as their personal symptom management. I've seen it happen time and time again. People may have basic characteristics (think optimism) but habits and how they respond to others can most often be changed and improved. And one tool for doing so is to learn how to separate out your thoughts from reality…and to be able to accept and move past the emotional sensations that keep you stuck in habits.
I find trying to do this (currently without a specific meditation practice, but through reflection) a good way to overcome the anxieties I sometimes feel about my husband. My anxieties are based upon past behavior, not current, and to be more overtly (mindfully) aware of them means they no longer run my life. Just because I feel anxious does not mean I have to chase down my husband to confront him, for example. (Sometimes I do talk with him about them...but in an observational way - "I'm feeling really anxious right now" rather than connecting my feelings with supposed actions as I used to do "I think you must be doing X that's going to turn out badly for us...") Acknowledging my anxiety and just 'letting it be' helps me stay calm and positive in our relationship, further reinforcing the (very) good relationship we now enjoy, and diminishing the power of my bad memories as time goes on. It’s an important part of healing.
And not only does it heal me, personally, it also heals the relationship. For as I learn to differentiate between my hardest feelings (anxiety, fear of rejection) and the reality of my situation (acceptance, love, with an occasional dose of distraction thrown in - ADHD is on board, after all!) I can be more relaxed in our relationship. This allows my husband, in turn, to also relax more. His experience has changed - I am no longer pursuing him to find out what he has 'done wrong.' Instead, with my lowered levels of anxiety, I can focus on making sure he is aware of all the things I think he does right. A much better place to be!
If you wish to try some of his guided meditations, you can find them on this page at Byrne's website. And I suspect his book will be terrific when it comes out.
- MelissaOrlov's blog
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Comments
Mindfulness Blog Post vs. Weekly Newsletter
While I find this blog post about mindfulness to be helpful, I have a big problem with the way it was presented in the weekly email newsletter I received yesterday; specifically, the language employed when using marital infidelity as the example of problematic behavior:
"Learning to separate thoughts from reality has a lot of practical uses. As just one example, you might fear that your previously unfaithful partner might be cheating on you again and confront him about it. This might well put him on the defensive and start a downward spiral of negative interactions that sets you both back in the healing you are going through. Your negative interactions might even send him back to the other woman. Yes, that fear that he might be cheating feels really, really awful. YET, fearing that your partner is cheating is NOT the same thing as actually having your partner cheat!"
Negative interactions from a faithful spouse do not CAUSE one's unfaithful partner to cheat again. The unfaithful partner chooses to cheat -- lie and deceive -- again rather than deal authentically and honestly with problems in the marriage.
I'm very disappointed to see this kind of blameshifting in your newsletter. I commend you for your work on the topic of ADHD in marriage, but I strongly disagree with your choice of words in this instance and found the example used within your newsletter insulting to faithful spouse's everywhere.
absolutely correct!
Yes, you are correct. I used a very poor choice of words in the tip. Only the cheating spouse is responsible for the decision to cheat rather than do something more constructive to ease the pain in the relationship. No one else.
I posted a response to you last night, but it was a rambling reply...so I'm revising to make it more succinct.
I have had, at this point, exposure to the inner workings of some number of affairs in various couples (for full disclosure...including my own.) The number one reason those affairs occurred was because one partner decided to make the choice to have the affair rather than follow a different path. But when working with couples you also need to ask "what was going on that made that seem like the right choice at the time?" Very broadly speaking, the affairs to which I've been exposed have one or more of three background stories (in descending order of how often I've encountered them):
These are not the only reason people enter into affairs, but these are the ones I've encountered, with the first being the most common.
Numbers 2 and 3 have nothing to do with the other partner. Number 1, unfortunately, does. This does not change the fact that the person who has the affair has more potential choices than just escaping through the affair and choosing to cheat, and that this singularly bad choice is completely his or her own. But in reality, what it also means is that the environment of a relationship does, indeed, have some impact on whether or not that choice seems appealing or, sometimes, the only choice that really is available other than separating from the partner (still a better choice in the absolute than having that affair, but it has implications that people fear, such as leaving children behind and the like.)
In other words, sometimes very good people make very bad choices because the environment seems (and not I emphasize seems) to leave them few other options. In so much as the other (non-affair) partner contributes to that poisoned environment, he or she does, in fact, influence the attractiveness of attaching to someone outside the relationship. That partner is not responsible for the choice...but is responsible for his or her role in the breakdown.
And the period after an affair has been discovered and before all of the dust has settled and the couple has figured out whether they need to break up or stay together and repair is a particularly tenuous time. Both partners are hurting for their own reasons, and the tenor of the relationship is very important.
So, to reiterate, you were 100% correct to call me on what I wrote. The responsibility for choosing to cheat is always with the cheater. I was using an illustration for mindfulness that was way too subtle and difficult for the particular vehicle in which it was delivered. I should have used an example that was more clear-cut - for example, if you fear an argument and act on that thought, you may become ultra defensive (or alternately too compliant, hiding your feelings) and the result might be getting into the fight you were trying to avoid.
That explanation may or may not satisfy you. I do appreciate your bringing my language to my attention.
Counselor's can provide Clarity; when we have none....
I can see both sides...It takes a very mature individual to be able to consider all the circumstances (real life factors) of what influenced your mate to cheat...Especially when you felt you were giving yourself to them in that way. The hurt and pain is so damaging once the cat is out of the bag, stable emotions and thoughtfulness isn't generally a human's first instincts...But to your point for healing to come a couple would do well to consider all the people and feelings involved...What you ignore or fail to consider has a way of biting you later....
C
Mindfulness Applied to Managing Anger/Frustration Outburts
Hi Melissa,
Thank you for an as-always thought provoking and challenging piece.
I am wondering what you think about the application of mindfulness in managing emotional outbursts for the ADHD'er. As the non-ADHD partner, I am working through some of these techniques with my own therapist to improve management of my anxiety, and it is helping tremendously.
My partner and I struggle with what I call the 'Anger-Frustration / Anxiety Complex". We have mapped it out as follows:
1. He will reach an outburst point with either anger or frustration, and act out by cursing, storming about, slamming, throwing, etc.
2. This will elicit an anxiety/fear response in me, and I (used to - thank you therapy) feel the need to intervene in his explosion and see if I could "help" get him to calm down. (This was unproductive and has stopped).
3. Resolution...? This is where we get stuck. I never know when these outbursts are "over", so I have a hard time approaching him or returning to 'normal' behavior. He, however, feels 100% convinced that he is absolutely unable to control or manage these outbursts, as they are a symptom of his ADHD - "asking me to stop is like asking someone in a wheelchair why they don't just get up and walk".
So far, we have committed that my accountability piece here is to give him space for these emotions to pass, and not escalate or inflame the situation by trying to intervene. But we are stuck with his accountability piece of this. I am still left feeling anxious and upset, and he does not feel that he can commit to any kind of termination behavior, like perhaps giving me a hug to let me know he is calm again. He also does not feel that he should NEED to do anything to help me manage my emotions here, because my anxiety and fear are irrational, and therefore I really just should not have the response that I have to his behavior, and the "problem" will be resolved.
So I suppose my question on mindfulness is twofold - 1. Do you believe there is a healthy application for it in the management of these symptoms, that may allow my partner (if we can find a way to work through to the belief that these outbursts could be mitigated) some relief? or 2. Should I instead just be focusing only onapplying mindfulness practice on myself to eliminate as much of my reaction as I can?
Thank you for any advice.
- (sometimes) desperate ADHD partner
Jlhrva....
You have ask the 6 million dollar question...most of our sessions of conflict and high emotional exchanges come in direct relationship to her emotional outbursts...I would do like you, address it verbally point it out...Wrong! I've had to realize like you did, that only sucked me into a loud interrupting emotional mess....So to be successful I've tried to ignore her and walk away, or go for a short wall, or just anything to keep from verbally addressing her ( maybe the hardest thing I've ever done in my life)...
It is good for us, it keeps me from anxiety and forces accountability (or denial LOL)...for her own issues....So it really helps the relationship....This new quiet thing has got her talking about counselor's again...I know when I can be successful to bite my tongue and not say anything or engage her outburst we both win....I'm hoping the more I can ignore it, the better she will get at being aware of herself....I think she will eventually seek some therapy help....We'll see....
My theory here: Making a mountain out of every little mole hill seems to come about for her because she seems to not be able to reason or prioritize importance levels...It's seems like most everything her mind determines should be different...Takes her strait into outburst mode....Everything is a life and death issue so to speak....And there seems to be no ability to check this for her....No ability to be in control of her emotions long enough to think about or weight the importance of things...
I hope you are able to find a way to not allow your emotions to get heightened, and just let him own his own mess.....
C