Adult ADHD can add a good deal of complexity to your interactions. Often there is strife, anger and poor behavior all the way around. Learning the art of forgiveness can really help you move in a positive direction, but to wield this powerful tool you need to bust some common myths about forgiveness, and understand what a path to forgiveness looks like.
Busting the Myths
There are four common ideas about forgiveness that can get in the way of your being able to forgive your partner:
- Forgiveness means condoning your partner’s behavior. This is not the case. When you forgive your partner you choose to put understanding and love ahead of hard feelings for the purpose of relieving yourself (first) of the pain you are feeling and, second, allowing space for your relationship to grow when appropriate. But that does not mean you agree that what your partner did was all right.
- Forgiveness is giving in. You can have the strength to forgive, as well as the courage to negotiate trying to change future behavior.
- Forgiveness only “works” if your partner knows about it. Actually, lots of times it’s best to not mention that you have forgiven your partner. This is what I call “becoming Teflon” – letting things flow past you rather than stick to you like a burr. When we are struggling on a daily basis, letting things go is a form of forgiveness that benefits you both. And anyway, you don't forgive in order to gain 'points' with your partner!
- Forgiveness means you must stay with your partner. The act of forgiving is a stand alone act. If you are so inclined, forgiveness can be the first step in a repair process that brings you and your partner closer together. Or, forgiveness may open up a door that leads to an exit with fewer hard feelings. What follows forgiving your partner is totally up to you and your partner.
Practicing forgiveness is not being a doormat! It is not the same things as saying ‘sure, go ahead and do this again’ or ‘I don’t care.’ Just the opposite – forgiveness is needed only when something is wrong or hard – and it is a statement of genuine love. Love for yourself, because you deserve to not be held hostage by anger and pain. And (often, but not always) love for your partner – an acknowledgement that we are all human, and all have our own ways of dealing with the roadblocks and hardships life puts in our way.
Forgiveness is not forgetting. You will always remember the intense pain you felt when you discovered her affair, or found out he has just taken a loan against your house without discussing it first. Forgiveness of the really big stuff is about remembering something differently – not to ‘fool’ yourself, but because life is often gray, not black and white. And living peacefully with what has happened in the past is healthier and happier for you.
Forgiveness may come when you begin to realize that there were complicated feelings behind your partner’s actions and you start to feel empathetic. Or it might come simply because you are no longer willing to hold on to your anger. Whatever your motivation, forgiveness is a powerful tool that ADHD-impacted couples can use to great advantage to keep themselves - and their relationship - healthy.
Next post – creating a path to forgiveness.
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Comments
I have given up
I have given up
true grit of honesty
I dont really know what u all are talking about but I do Know: Any time you feel scared in a relationship..it's somethings wrong!!As for all this talk about him next doow with all porn..sexx...xxxxx..$$Ohh I know: I (too) was in a relationship who struggled orifically w porn add.). All and all..to me: it sounds like how ever you are discribing and living your life sounds exhausing. You take are of You. . Safety is always first in mind...His disrespect and degrading poision that constantly reminded sayin' fresh air ... OK. So...I'm one of those responders who comment as I read. I just found out that its not always to go....as then when i returned...i just read that you were are you still?Cheating.?
Shit!!!! Speaking of the other. I Moved today....actually i looved yesterday...and my x just came home from work and we just had to interact since i pretty much cleared out the whole inntire house ..and i'm about to invite him to the idea of joining air w hi. for us to be in the same retogether for an hour so we can remember this time in a positive way. He's thinking about it.
Ahhh SHIT...sorry..I have no idea what i'm talking about... sorry. well, not the begining..thats still true!!
Love this post on Forgiveness!
Especially this statement....(Love for yourself, because you deserve to not be held hostage by anger and pain.) Because in the reality of living life, the blessing of forgiveness is for the one doing the forgiving...
Forgiveness is Like Magic
I can't add much here to what Melissa is saying...but all I know is that when I truly forgive anyone.....I mean really let go of all negative emotions and really forgive someone and not just pay lip service to it. It changes everything. I especially like the myths....so true on all accounts.
I had to find forgiveness for my father long after he died. The things that happened to me while I was growing up and the effect it has had on me throughout my life was something that I simply could not take with me any more. The only way I could leave it behind me was to forgive. Forgiveness does not require that you even tell the person or in my case...that they are even aware or alive to know you did. To reiterate what C ur self already said...."forgiveness is for the one doing the forgiving"..and there is no expiration date either. You can choose to forgive at any time and the benefits for you are still the same.
J
How to forgive ongoing bad behavior?
I am struggling with forgiving ongoing verbal abuse that my husband heaps upon me every time he feels criticized. I'm talking about truly heinous behavior by him: screaming, cursing, name-calling, mocking, threatening. How do you forgive this when it happens over and over again?
I have tried to talk to him about how I feel when he does this, and that in itself he hears as criticism. He expects carte blanche with his behavior (he has told me "I'll do what I want"), and if I EVER try to talk to him about it, I'll just get more of the same. This creates incredible internal stress for me. He then glosses over his behavior and expects me to be receptive to him whenever he decides to move on as if nothing happened. No apology, no sign of any remorse for the devastation he has caused. And, God forbid that I ever say anything that makes him feel bad (although I NEVER speak to him the way he speaks to me)- he will bring it up endlessly- even if I apologize.
How do I forgive this when it happens over and over again, and there is no recognition by him that he has done anything that requires an apology or something more than him just sweeping it under the rug? I feel his expectation is that I should tolerate abuse and just "get over it" because in his mind, I deserved it. How can you feel close to someone who treats you as if your feelings are completely unimportant yet is super sensitive about their own? I am resentful of this hypocrisy, and not being able to talk to him about it means I end up eating all the stress it creates.
Don't believe everything you think.
What You're Describing is Unacceptable
If this is a chronic pattern with him seemingly in all cases....big things and little ones. I don't think you need to be so forgiving as trying to figure out what his sensitivity is about ( his trigger ) If you keep pushing his button and you don't know it...then that's a problem Your anger to this could be perpetuating it in and endless cycle though...but I think it's reasonable to feel angry. What won't help (speaking from experience ) is for you to get angry back in those moments. Walking away, moving away, leaving the house....whatever....but making it crystal clear that it's this very behavior that the problem not WHY he's angry.
My own situation with my wife is somewhat in reverse to this saying.....she reacts with her own version of defensive anger and perceives criticism where there is none...or see's the slightest negative comment or even inference in anything that is being said as a personal attack to her being and then reacts as if that were the case. To put it simply.....she see's what's wrong first in everything. Unconsciously, she's looking for what's wrong and negative.,,,that's what her radar is tuned to do. At times it seems...at the drop of a hat. She does the mocking, put downs, projecting, combative language,yelling(not screaming or raging) and taunting without the screaming, name calling or cursing.....but the scenario and what caused it is the same.
I on the other hand use to: first try and reason with this...no way. It just made it worse. Then would I try and apologize or excuse myself for inadvertently saying something that set her off. No good...would start to ramp up. Then I would begin to get mad or say she's behaving like a child......multiply behavior by 2x. Then in the worse versions of this after repeated incidents ......I'd lose my temper and scream over her and acted the same as she did only worse.
What I finally realized is that she was going into what I'm calling...a tailspin panic attack anger cycle....my own made up definition. First she goes into a tail spin and starts spiraling out of control...then she has to gain control of the spin.....then she needs a few minutes to calm back down....and then she's Okay again after anywhere from 5 to 10 minutes and can come back and everything seems pretty much Okay with her after that. I don't understand it but that's what it looks like.
I noticed that if I did nothing or walked away....she would go through this cycle and usually come back and say she was sorry as long as I did nothing. We're working on her part of this because I have at least stopped getting angry back or even tried to reason or talk to her in those moments. It's like an anxiety attack about being criticized that she just loses control of her emotions even over the slightest thing....like an extreme attack of her self esteem. I've also try to word things very carefully so as not to set this into motion but it's difficult to do always and still be able to speak my mind or even try to tell her literally anything that could be construed as ANY form of criticism. It's a problem but It sounds similar to your H but without maybe the extremes. That's just it.....IF I get to the place where she is which is what use to happen ....and it takes a lot to get me there. My issues with my ADHD are less to do with anxiety or being criticized ( I don't get upset when I'm criticized...this is not my issue at all)but more to do with other people anger coming at me and they won't stop. Anxious panacky hissy fits, brow beating, aggressive behavior or raised voices will set my gears into motion and in the most extreme response after repeated attempts to try and make it stop ...in moments more few and far between...I'll the same kind extreme behavior that your H is displaying....or at least I use to. I say this now since I hope I learned enough how to arrest it which so far it does appear that I have been able to stop at this point.
The point here I'm making is...that my mistake was trying to make her stop. Nothing I would say or do stopped it and only made it worse. The only thing that worked was for me to walk away and completely ignore her and if necessary...remove myself from the room. Also.....making it clear to my wife in the moment that I was doing it for that reason only made it worse too. I had to tell her why I was leaving or going to leave the room the next time before she did it...straight and up front. I love you , I want to be with you except when you go into one of your emotional tail spins. And after telling her this a couple of times with seemingly no effect...I told her that I had already put you on notice so now I'm removing myself from the room until you calm down and every time you do this from here on out...and then got up and left the room. And I still do it when she starts.....I turn around and walk out without saying a word. I go and read...watch TV...do things around the house or just go and relax. If she wants to join me again calmly fine.....if she doesn't....I've got plenty of things I can do to keep myself busy.
Her trigger point has to to do with any or all perceived criticism and self esteem. My trigger point is other peoples anger and hostility not being from being criticized. Your H sounds like my wife more in that way. If you need to forgive him for having anxiety issues and low self esteem...that may help you not react to him and be able to leave the room and be Okay yourself if it is the same as my wife but.....everyone is different. The thing about my wife is that she will admit it even after she does it and admits to this anxiety thing she has...she also says shes sorry and I can forgive her for that. Before that....I found it very very difficult if not impossible to forgive her even after I stopped reacting back until she at least would admit this anger cycle thing she does. It's all about her inability to deal and cope with anxiety which we have talked about and she admits was there before she ever met me. I think this is the only reason that we were able to get through this to this point. It's also improving.
But I did feel the same as you did when this happened and forgiving it without apology or accepting some responsibility was very difficult. If it's the same as my wife however....you can't just expect it to stop. These anxiety attacks for me were alarming and they immediately set me off before I understood what was happening. Stopping on my end however...did not make this stop in her. This is where we are right now but it is getting better and she is working on it too. That's all I needed from her and I can live with the current system as long as it does not return to the way it was.
Hope that gives you some insight?
We've been doing this now for a while so I'm optimistic. I'm trying to get her to see my trigger points and sensitivities without setting her off ( the criticism ) still working on that with one toe nail in the door. lol
J
Not Taking Responsibility Is The Key
Thanks for your reply, J.
Yes, my husband not taking ANY responsibility for his own behaviors is definitely a major factor in my high stress levels. I have been told by our psychologist that I am a saint for trying to deal with him for over 30 years because of this. I don't feel like a saint- I feel like a used up, worn out shell of a person. I have reassured my husband repeatedly of how much I love him, and how I want him with me. I have NEVER threatened divorce or abandonment, but he has threatened me with both.
I used to wonder what was wrong with me that my husband would treat me this way- and he certainly encouraged me to blame myself. He has a very low emotional IQ (per our psychologist)- like stunted growth. While he could learn to "fill in the gaps" in his development, it would require some introspection and willingness to do the work. In his mind, this is akin to admitting "fault"- something he is not willing to do. Forgiving is fine as long as there is some impetus for change. Without that, it's just me sacrificing myself with no possibility of improvement.
So, this leaves me feeling very frustrated and without much hope. I haven't completely given up, but many days I feel very close to doing so.
Don't believe everything you think.
That's It Taking Resonsibility
My therapist kept referring to my ex-wife as "a person who refuses to take responsibility" and at the time I wasn't sure exactly what he meant. Now I do and that is really clear to me. It really is the magic key to move the vehicle, otherwise, it just won't start and your stuck in the parking lot. Sorry, I always seem to see things in metaphors but I think you get the point. Yes...absolutely! I think if either one of us had the answer to how to get someone just to that point alone then no one would be here I think. Sounds like you've really tried and I know how I was with my ex. The only thing I can say to this is only out of my own experience with my wife now. I'd say that 90% of our fights or arguments are about this very thing. I just simply didn't understand that at first so I just kept trying to explain it to her. No amount of metaphors or examples or stories or comparisons did anything but cause her to start tail spinning? And I have seen this with other people with or without ADHD so I know it's not specific to it directly. It really is about self esteem in a general sense though. I found with my wife....everything I can do to help build that in her helps almost 100% which is kind of going through the back door route instead of just simply reassuring her. I found that did very little either. She hears everything that builds her self esteem as positive...and she hears everything that might lower it in every way as of course a negative. But she is hearing both. The problems always start if I start going directly in the front door and saying anything about her that I don't like. That's a NO NO !! lol She also does the thing that read so often here in this forum where she misinterprets and misconstrues meanings to mean things other than they are. It pretty clear to me now that a lot of these thing that are getting pointed out about their spouses in this forum can get filed under one roof and that's self esteem. I've suffered at times with it too. I can get going down that road but usually not as far as it sound for some. I can tell you one really big deal with me and other people with ADHD and that has to do with success. I need to have at least some success as I go or I start to back slide...even when I aware that it happening. I've got to have so many success to so many failures or I start to crash. This is more to do with motivation than self esteem for me now but I can see where this would tie into that too. It's a big one. I noticed that my wife will give me clues to what she wants by giving me compliments or things that she needs as a form of modeling I think? That was confusing since I was saying directly to her...I don't need compliments I need xxxxx. I realized that this is what she does even without knowing it so this gives me a pretty good idea of what's going on with her at the time so I try and pay attention to the things she is offering me which is really sweet and appreciative and also means shes really trying...even if it's not exactly what I'm asking from her so I'd try and pay attention to those things too since it is effort and an attempt to hit the target even when it misses. That's just it......the fact that she can't control her anxiety means it tends to come out in different ways which kind of gives you a road map to follow if you understand this. It's kind of ironic that you have to be so accurate and careful in hitting the bulls eye with these self esteem issues and at the same time....accept the things that are offered as if they are hitting the bulls eye for you even when they are a complete miss? For me.....the things that I value in my wife have less to do with her giving me anything that she doesn't have because she already gives me what she does have and she doesn't even realize it most of the time even without her trying..She just hasn't figured that one out yet. lol
ps...with my wife...I do find that compliments really hit the mark in a big way for her. I'm wasn't the best about giving them but that was more just not being very used to do it as much as she likes. I found that was really easy for me to do and kind of build into my everyday language with her even if I wouldn't necessarily do it for that reason. Being overly respectful...all the usual kind of niceties like opening every door instead of every other one.....just overdoing the normal courtesies even more than I'm use too ( compared to past with other woman )....these things are a big deal to her since it raises her self esteem. I get it. these are easy ones for me even if it seem excessive. I don't mind either. And I let the petty-ness slide completely as long as it doesn't get too far out of hand. I can live with a small amount of petty-ness and it doesn't create a problem even though it still can be irritating. Don't sweat the small stuff ya know?
J
ADHD Panic Attacks
Thank you kindly for identifying this issue. My wife, before her affair used to go into these tirades for no reason (in my mind). Maybe I said something that triggered this feeling, but I don't ever remember any comments in this regard. She would explode, just like you are describing. I would shut down and not respond. I learned like you the best thing was to walk out of the room. She would get furious that I didn't want to engage in arguing like her. It was fruitless to follow that path. There was no reasoning. After 5 minutes or do she would always ask what was wrong and why I wasn't happy. It was like she had no recall of her anger. The anger made her lose it all the time when she had an attack. At first I told her she needed help with anger management, but that just made things worse. Walking out of the room was the best solution. I never thought it could be an ADHD panic attack. Thanks again for helping me understand this.
On the affair she waited two months to tell me what had happened and it was with her old high school boyfriend that she had formed a relationship again via social media. He tried telling her I was no good for her, etc. I told her he just wants in your pants again. She always told me "he wouldn't do that, we are just friends"! After several years of coaxing he finally succeeded with what I said was his primary mission. After she told me I had to think long and hard about staying. She apologized, but I don't think she understands how much it really hurt me. I have said no more contact through social media, phone or anything. She says it wasn't the same with him and he didn't know how to make her happy. Surprise! I decided to stay long story short. I just will never be able to get over her transgression and violation of our vows.
baseballmh