For ADDers Who Are Tired of Being Told It's All About the ADD

I get frustrated at myself.  As a non-adhd who spouse lived in the victim mode for decades, went to counselors, and self-help groups, and self-help programs, and just couldn't figure out what was the matter " with ME" - and the ADHD spouse went along and just sat there with his arms crossed in the attitude of , "What can you do with my poor wife?"  I am literally losing my mind.

I set in motion being controlled by his anger - for decades. 

I already  just want to live as a normal everyday person.  I am 53.  I am so tired of paying counselors.  That is not a personal attack at you.  After a while I feel like a cash-cow.

You can believe I don't know how to separate anything.  You can believe I am overwhelmed, overloaded, and in the position of " I will not cry." "I will not cry."  "I will not cry."  

How can a person find peace when they think they found the answer, and find out it wasn't really the answer, then they thing they found the answer, and find out that really wasn't the answer.  Each day is a new beginning, and I feel like a fool.

My behaviors surely add to the tangle.  Who'd have thought I'd get to the place where I like myself, and like my life, and like my relationships with my family and children and friends, and have no relationship with my spouse.   Not what I wanted. . . .at all.  

I got it, I can only control me.  I can only do my part.  I can't believe what I have done with my marriage.  I read all the books - and see the pattern that I have fallen into.  They are like scripts of my life.  I just want to stop the spinning - and get off the merry-go-round.  Enough already.

 

I am in my mid 40's and have been in a 2+ year committed relationship with my live-in girlfriend. I am really, really struggling with our relationship, especially in respect to the kinds of behaviors I am both experiencing at home and am reading about on this website. I would guess that I may have not seen these at first, or maybe they were masked during her hyper-focusing stage of our relationship. Who knows? The main "bad" behaviors are: * CONSTANT INTERRUPTING: Though she says she is aware of this behavior after it happens, her interrupting has escalated at such an alarming rate that we cannot get through any meaningful conversation without it deteriorating. As an example, recently she actually covered my mouth with her hand in public, in front of her friends, after I had said no more than 10 words. Her excuse is that I am an excessive talker (and I will admit to that) but I come from a school of thought that this kind of behavior shows a lack of respect and/or love for the other person. I literally walked away (upset) and went back to our car. * LACK OF FOCUS ON ME / US I understand this may be me going through the loss of her hyperfocusing on me at the start of our relationship. Though she swears she thinks about me every day, she will make decisions without my input and spend unbelievable amounts of time and energy on drama with her tennis team (while our relationship is ripping apart at the seams). She will also procrastinate on certain projects especially regarding her work. Though she seems to always complete the tasks, mainly by pulling all night efforts (not kidding), these rob of of our time and to make things worse, I am often asked to stay up for part of the night to help assist and/or keep her company. (I do have a day job!) I simply do not recall in the beginning of our relationship, the lack of focus on me/us. Now this lack of focus, as well as the other behaviors, have accelerated over the past few months. * LACK OF EMPATHY, LACK OF EQUALITY: One thing that scares me to death is I am starting to see a pattern emerge that seems to mirror a past relationship in my life. A few years ago, I had an ex-wife who slowly drifted away from our relationship to the point where we were just roommates. I am a "giver" type and try to behave in a selfless manner without keeping score. In my past marriage, however, my ex began to take me for granted and, in a weird way, starting looking at me and treating me like a second class citizen. After we divorced, a few months later she tried to reconcile because she told me she missed the (nice) way I had treated her when we were married, but I had moved on. The post-divorce world of not having to walk on eggshells was a relief, as during our marriage it was simply exhausting to me. My current girlfriend knew about my past when we starting dating and I made it very clear I did not want a relationship of unequals. We use the term king and queen, as we did not want a (spoiled) princess kind of relationship. I am now scared to death. My only hope here is that unlike in my past, my ex-wife actually told me one day that though she loved me, she was not "in love" with me. My current girlfriend swears she loves me and is in love with me, but I watch her actions and at times they simply do not match with her emotions. * CRITICAL NEGATIVE COMMENTS: I guess I never noticed this when we were first together. She is a designer, so I understand she is prewired to have a critical eye. However, I am starting to hear comment after comment about the bad things about friends, events, etc. When we have a meal out, I rarely hear about how great things are. I do hear a lot about how slow the waiter is (and then am told I need to not give a good tip), how the vegetables are cold, how the table we are sitting in is too close to the kitchen, etc. I rarely hear positive comments in situations like these. The words "please" and "thank you" toward wait staff, retail associates, and even tennis partners are a rarity. I know we all think critically. I just do not understand the compulsion to say these thoughts out loud. I especially do not understand them when they are not part of any conversation. She will simply just blurt them out. It makes me either embarrassed (if directed toward another person) or deflated (if it is a general comment about how an event is transpiring.) * BUTTING IN ON MY PARENTING: I am a single dad of a teenage boy. Before she moved in, we had discussions where I made it very clear that it was my job to parent and she should think of her role as an aunt, not as a mom. She agreed (at least that is what she told me.) (Note: She has two grown children.) I cannot tell you the number of times we have had discussions and/or arguments over this, but she simply cannot help but to butt in and "give advice" when I do not ask. Even worse, she tends to make mental lists of things my son is not doing correctly, and feels compelled to tell me without me asking. We have tried everything (calmly) to work through this area, but she just does not stop. If she was a referee, there would be penalty flags and whistles all over our home when my son is with us. This behavior dovetails onto the "critical" comments one above. ============= Now, on to our "arguments". We are in a terrible, terrible cycle: 1. She will exhibit "bad behavior." 2. I will respond one of 3 ways: (a) calmly, (b) retreat/silence or (c) "blow up." When I reply calmly, most of the time she will acknowledge the behavior, but to me it appears that she blows it off and does not take it seriously. If I retreat/go silent, she either knows I am upset or does not realize her behavior has hurt me. When she knows I am hurt and retreats, she then asks if I do not love her anymore. When she does not know, she continues in bliss while I die the death of a thousand cuts. When I blow up, which lately has been a lot. At first she will actually defend her behavior, then she will attack me for blowing up, later she will come back and apologize, but the behavior is never corrected going forward, if anything it escalates. We are both aware of this cycle, but have been unsuccessful in breaking the loop. She does think she has ADHD and has done some cursory research. She has seen a therapist, but this person decided to teach her to come home from her sessions and ask me to change how I spoke to her, how I worked with her on tasks, etc. All suggested changes were directed toward me. The therapist (who claimed she was a CBT expert) did not give her a single exercise to do and only gave her the name of a psychiatrist to get her on meds. (Oh, by the way, 4 sessions and over a month later and my GF has still not made an appointment for the psychiatrist.) So though my GF does tell me she thinks she has ADHD, and she says she thinks she needs to work on it, she herself told me this week she has not made it a priority. So, here is where I am struggling and candidly am starting to lose hope: 1. Half of the time I think her behaviors are ADHD driven, and the other half of the time I just think she is a rude, self-centered heartless person. Of course I do not want to think the latter, but I do know that there are many narcissistic people in the world. I do not understand how she can exhibit these bad behaviors towards me and does not exhibit them with strangers. (Example: She would never physically cover a stranger's mouth in a conversation. So she must have the ability to curb the behavior. It is like she make a decision NOT to curb them around me.) 2. I am losing faith in her promises to seek help and treatment. We just had our 4th or 5th major blowup yesterday. Each time she ends up apologizing and saying she finally "gets it" and knows that this is destroying our relationship. She profoundly apologizes and starts to offer to do lots of things (as if she is apologizing by making coffee or baking cookies.) She swears she will put addressing her ADHD on the front burner, but I have heard the promises before and it rings hollow. 3. I am very scared I am being told what I want to hear. This shakes me to the core. She knows my biggest fears in a relationship especially given my past, and I now struggle she is just playing me for a fool. I am the current financial bread winner and she lives a relatively comfortable life. 4. I just want to be told the truth (and I have let her know this directly.) Either she really believes she has ADHD and she is interested in seeking treatment OR she does not think she really has a problem. There are times that she says things like "I have not changed one bit since we met" and "I will seek to get help because it is important to you." These comments scare me. I know I cannot change other people. She either believes she has an issue, or she does not (and some of the comments above make me wonder is she does.) I swear I can deal either her coming to grips that she does have ADHD or I can handle knowing she does not. What is killing me is I am starting to think she is playing me, by telling me what I want to hear (that she has ADHD which is a crutch for her bad behavior) when inside she believes that "she has not changed." I just want the truth, either way. I am tired of the false hope that this is ADHD, that it can be treated and it is simply not the case of me finding a semi-rude person who is filled with narcissism. Sorry for being so long-winded. I thank anyone who made it to the end of this rant! :-) I could really, really use some advice. How can I tell if she is being truthful? What would you do in my shoes? My relationship is slipping away and I do not know what to do. Help!