If you have both a spouse and a child with ADD, there are some important differences between how you will naturally want to interact with them – differences that can really hurt your relationship with your spouse if you aren’t aware of them.
Like many parents, my firsts experience with a diagnosis with ADD came through my child. My approach was to help her, in any way I could. I learned everything I could about ADD, talked with her (very good) doctor, worked with her school to make sure she got the assistance she needed there. At her doctor’s recommendation, we let her make the decision about whether or not to take medications (she didn’t want to for about 2 years, until school got harder). I spent lots of time sitting with her while she did homework, trying to keep her focused, and even more time directing her life.
One of the benefits of a childhood diagnosis of ADD is that you and your child often feel as if you are “making progress” – in part because kids naturally change and move forward as they grow up. This provides positive reinforcement for the parent who helps the child. “Okay, it was a struggle, but look what she can do now!” you think. Another benefit is that kids naturally listen to what their parents have to say (at least when they are younger). For the most part, they are interested in being in your good graces. One of your jobs, as parent, is to set structure for your child, and ADD kids in particular need that structure – welcoming it.
When your child struggles with the symptoms of ADD, your heart goes out to her. You ache for her, and wish that she would have an easier time of it. You are also ready to celebrate every victory that comes her way in obvious and noisy fashion. In short, you “parent” your child – overtly and protectively.
But, the things that you do to support your child are usually not good for your marital relationship. Your spouse does not generally want you to run his life, nor does he look to you for wisdom and, after a while, if you’ve been fighting over ADD symptoms, he’ll be so mad he won’t give a fig about what you think of him!
There are some pretty important differences between parenting a child with ADD and being married to a spouse with ADD that you should be aware of. First, adults don’t have the same forward growth momentum that helps enable changes in your child. Your spouse is already pretty fully developed and change comes from hard work, not getting a year older. This means that your ADD spouse seems more prone to get “stuck” and do things over and over again than your child (which is just the opposite of what you would expect – you expect the adult to be able to progress, and the child to get stuck). Non-ADD spouses tend not to take into account just how hard it is to make big changes as an adult, particularly when they are simultaneously observing the progress a child is making.
Second, it is your job to “parent” your child. Your child expects this, and so do you. This makes both of you in tune with your role. However, it is your job to “romantically support” your spouse. He does not expect you to parent him, and will likely resent it if you do. Furthermore, if you parent your spouse you will lose the romance of your marriage, as it’s almost impossible to be sexually attracted to a parent figure. Instead of being in tune, you'll find that accusations of "you've changed" will ring out if you start trying to "manage" your husband's ADD.
Third, while you “ache” for your child’s failures, frustration with lack of “progress” in your spouse more quickly leads to anger that your full grown spouse can’t do better. This not-so-subtle difference is communicated clearly through your actions and tone of voice to your spouse, who comes to think that you don’t like him. For a non-ADD spouse, it’s much harder not to take the ADD symptoms personally when they are exhibited by an adult “who should know better” than by a child who is “still learning”.
So here’s what I want you to do:
- Recognize that you can’t “parent” your spouse’s ADD in the same way you do your child’s
- Make sure you keep romance alive, or if it’s already dying, make it a top priority to put some special, lighthearted moments back into your love life
- Recognize that change is harder for your spouse than your child, and applaud all forward progress
- Resist all and every temptation to run your spouses’ life. If you are upset with how you are relating to each other, clarify your expectations and then act on them without controlling your spouse (more on this in my next post)
- In spite of the natural tendency to want to smooth life out for your child first and foremost, put your spouse’s needs and struggles first. This is critical for the stability of your family, and will ultimately be far more helpful for your child than just about anything else you could do for her.
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Comments
Whereas I completely agree
At the heart of Adult ADD
The two of you get to the very heart of the issues of adults with ADD. Yes, you expect that an ADD adult is supposed to be able to do all this stuff because they are adults. But frequently, adults who were not diagnosed as children never learned the "tricks" to getting things done that non-ADD folks take for granted. Here are some examples:
These are pretty straightforward tasks for the non-ADD adult. Yet they are straightforward because they are things that we all learned as we were becoming adults. People with ADD are generally distracted enough that they often haven't picked them up. They have to learn them as adults, and they have to be motivated by something to learn them (vs. just bumbling along and letting others pick up after them, which is sometimes how they survived up until this point). Best case scenario is that they are motivated because they want to improve their life and the lives of those around them.
Just as one can't just throw a non-swimmer into a pool and expect them to suddenly swim just because they are an adult, you can't just say to an ADD adult "now you need to keep yourself organized" and expect it to happen. To do so ignores the fact that first they need to learn the steps in staying organized.
As for resentment about not cleaning up messes - sure, if you were used to having someone clean up your messes, and in fact had married that person for their willingness to clean up their messes, you would be resentful that they suddenly changed their mind about it. That doesn't mean the resentment is justified. A non-ADD spouse should not be primarily a mess cleaner-upper, but this topic needs to be addressed carefully.
There are two reasons I spend so much time talking to non-ADD spouses about their roles on this blog. First is that I am a non-ADD spouse, so I have a good bit of insight into what that feels like. Second is that I have seen first hand the results of various ways of dealing with a spouse with ADD (we tried many, many approaches) - and can tell you without doubt that some simply don't work. What does work is coming to an unemotional agreement about what your relationship should look like, and then making it that way. Believe it or not, the emotional triggers in many of these relationships are controlled by the non-ADD spouse, not the ADD spouse. This sounds counter-intuitive, hence my focus on non-ADD spouse reactions.
It sounds as if you've made good progress in backing away, but perhaps need to express your own expectations better so that you don't end up resentful, but happy. Pick small things, or maybe one big thing (such as "I would like to feel as if you pay more focused romantic attention on me") and work on that. Something that makes you feel better than neutral (which I may be misinterpretting here - perhaps you are feeling happy?)
You might also see if your husband is open to learning some of the skills that he needs to be able to be a better partner - whether those are organizational, in the area of delagation, in focusing on you more romantically, or somewhere else. A coach might be able to help.
Melissa Orlov
Even with Help--ADD Doesn't Completely Disappear
Dear Amy, Your post caught my
Living with a spouse and children with ADHD and ADD
Staying Sane
It isn't that they can't help it, it's that people need to understand that to make the effort to stay neat may take extra effort and different types of strategies to do better. (See my post on using ADHD as an excuse).
I would talk with your husband and figure out, between the two of you, what some good approaches might be to this issue. Perhaps you can draw the line for specific areas - for example, in our house I tell my kids that their rooms can be as messy as they like, but they need to help keep the shared areas picked up. If they don't, I remind them to pick up (rather than always do it myself) and require that they do it before going off to do other things (which is good motivation). Garbage, if it really is garbage like banana peels, drying OJ, etc. would not be okay anywhere. When I come across it, I immediately find the child in question and ask them to stop what they are doing and take care of it. They aren't very fond of having to stop what they are doing, and so as they have gotten older they have started to think ahead a bit about this.
You need your husband's support on the basics, since his kids are your stepkids, and you don't want to start a "my family vs. your family" war. If you don't want to be the reminder person, sit down with your husband first (so he doesn't feel blindsided) and then as a family and discuss why this is important. Tell them you understand that it is hard for them, but that you will support any and all efforts that they make to figure out what system they will use to remind themselves to do better when they are in your house. Make sure that they know you love them, and that you hope that they love you, too, but that part of loving people is respecting them and their behavior doesn't show respect and makes you feel bad and "used" and that this shouldn't be a part of any family dynamic.
Kids are often unaware of how their behavior affects others, even when they don't have ADHD, particularly if they haven't been "trained" (wrong word, but I can't think of the right one at this moment!) to be thoughtful of others. Eventually, they will benefit from both your rules and your support. Just keep in mind that some of their tactics for solving the problem may sound weird to you. Let them try them, anyway, and experiment until they find something that works for them.
Various ideas might include: morning or evening "review" of key areas before kids can go out; assigning one kid per day as the overall pick up kid (gives them an appreciation of what that task is like); assigning specific chores to specific kids with no allowance if it isn't done, or the addition of another chore; large reminder notes on fridge or doors; setting a "pick up time" for the entire family, say 5:30-6:00 right before dinner - make this fun, with music and the like; bonus points for all kids who clean up adequately that translate into something good, like an ice cream or new computer game...your imagination is the limit on tactics and ideas.
Best of luck with it!
Melissa Orlov
my husband has been smokking
Smoking hubby
You are in the situation, and so can best assess it. What do you mean "almost lost my kids"? If you mean that your kids were almost put into foster care because your husband is messing up his probation, I would find another place for you and them to live. I would also make it clear that he can't visit them when he is high. It would be much worse for them to lose both parents than to have him in and out of their lives.
I make this recommendation assuming that he will not be violent towards them or you as a result of your action, nor that he will try to kidnap them or do something that would traumatize them. But your note suggests he may not be that involved in the first place?
Melissa Orlov
Also...Smoking Hubby
Also, make sure you know what your rights are in various situations that your husband might place you. Can your kids really be taken from you, and if so, in what specific situations? Knowledge will help you make the best choices.
Melissa Orlov
This is a very nice summary -
ADHD Husbands
My husband is just like this
I am in tears reading this!
children stressed due to husbands ADD
At least he is handy?
It strikes me that your husband must be quite skilled to do all that renovation. I admire your abilities to do things yourself. If my husband could pay someone to set his alarm clock or change a lightbulb, he would!
nrparents
Absolutely true
This is so true. All very well to "let them make their own mistakes" if you have unlimited resources. Otherwise, it is like letting a toddler walk in the street. I tried this and we massively overpaid on a simple home repair. I tried it again thinking he could paint the deck and I found dark red paint all over the light yellow of our house. Okay, some would sniff and say "it's only paint!" Try getting that off, and who gets to paint it over? The non adhd spouse who also picks up the 90% of other things he won't touch?
We non-ADHDers control out of pure self protection. People who don't understand this are still operating with the belief that "if you stop doing it he will pick it up." Wrong, wrong, wrong! There is one bathroom repair that has been waiting 4 years for my husband to address. Not to do himself, just hire someone to do. Lightbulbs are not changed or I have to ask/then demand/then do it myself. On daylight savings, I change all the clocks or have to look at a blinking clock for--months? Longer? You expect me to wait to find out? Are all ADHDers so crushingly passive?
nrparents
It depends on the ADD person,
It depends on the ADD person, and what areas they tend to be "passive" about. For me, I can be very passive about basic housecleaning, bills, yardwork, etc. if I don't have someone else around.
Living by myself, I can get caught in a "I'll do ___" later/after this is done/tomorrow cycle. Of course, I get distracted by something else, another task comes in, the natural procrastination that I have with projects at times...
It gets very frustrating internally as the person with ADD. We know we should be able to do these tasks...everyone else seems to be able to, why can't we?
The weight of having to get back on task while simultaneously dealing with the internal frustration of failing again, and also trying to juggle how to fit in the other stuff we're trying to accomplish with the things we just realized we forgot...*Whew*. Mental Shutdown. Emotional Disconnect. This is just me trying to verbalize what would be running through my head.
I have ADD. I have just recently come to terms with what that means. I can acknowledge that I have behaviors that are relatively "unconcious" to me because they are survival skills I have had for years.
If someone is suffering with ADD undiagnosed or in denial, they don't have this awareness.
I get very tired of how much
I can empathize!!!
Fifth Child Coming
I would venture to say that ANY family with that many kids would be a bit wild and crazy! Sounds as if you need some support. You are empathetic to your husband's situation, but his refusal to consider that he might have ADD may indicate that he thinks you think ADD is a negative.
The most important question for you to ask yourself right now is, in the face of child #5 being on the way, what happens if your husband doesn't do anything different in the future? Are you okay with that, or do you see yourself leaving the marriage?
If the answer is the former, then I might start a very low-key campaign focused around the single trait that most gets in your way, without labeling it part of ADD. So, if you need him to pay more attention to you, for example, then I would start hiring a sitter more often and going out on some dates.
If your answer is the latter, then it may be time for a calm, but serious conversation about your feelings about his symptoms (again, I think I would stay away from the ADD label at this point). In this situation, what matters most to you is that he address the symptoms that most bother you (and you let go of those that bother you less...this will help!) You don't care how he does it (though he will likely be more successful if he comes to terms with ADD and starts to learn all of the "tricks and tips" that others before him have learned and can share).
With four/five kids, you need to be in a position where you don't always feel as if "I am always trying to make things better for him but get nother in return! I feel like I have to always be the reponsible one while he just flits around having fun". That's a recipe for long-term disappointment and disconnection. Perhaps you should consider seeing a counsellor before things get worse.
If you decide to do that, make sure to pick someone that a.) knows ADD and b.) he is comfortable with.
Melissa Orlov
Amen to that!
I agree 100% about the "shoulds" we keep hearing. I have an ADHD husband and son, and for all I read, I "should" be a mixture of Mother Theresa and Martha Stewart. I can't yell, get impatient, expect something to be put back in the right place, want to live in a home where food isn't left sitting around to rot and collect bugs, etc. It shouldn't bother me that I work all day and come home to immediately cook dinner while my recently unemployed husband has been home all day doing very little.
My reply to the "shoulds" is this: if it weren't for my son, I "would" be in my own condo without caring for an adult child, with a boyfriend that can manage his own affairs. Right now, I "should" do anything legal to keep myself from going insane.
nrparents
One thing that can be
One thing that can be difficult for the non-ADD spouse partner to realize is: Like it or not, you're both in this together.
What I mean by that is, just as you are shocked, angry, frustrated, and distraught over the state of your relationship--so is your partner. Just because they don't/can't verbalize it doesn't mean its not there.
If its going to get better, its going to take both of you having the ability to step back and take stock of what roles you played to wind up here. It requires a fair dose of humility and openess from both parties.
For the ADD sufferer, its difficult to swallow the fact that you have a condition that can be very harmful to relationships. Especially when, at first, you don't think there is anything wrong with you, so why is everyone suddenly pointing the finger at you? It leads itself to very negative and defensive resistance behaviors on the part of the ADD sufferer.
For the non-ADD partner, its difficult to swallow the fact that they, too, have developed habits and behaviors that are very harmful to the relationship. The ADD sufferer will hide in denial to avoid having to deal with the emotional pain of their cumulative failings. The non-ADD spouse can sometimes have an issue with their own form of denial. They're hurt, angry, and saddened by what's going on, they feel unappreciated (especially by their partner) and it can be very difficult to let go of those feelings. Unfortunately, letting go of the hurt is exactly what has to happen if the relationship has any chance of surviving.
And if the relationship cannot survive, the non-ADD partner still has to find a way to let go and forgive in order to move on with their life and recover for themselves. Thats just my personal belief.
I second that belief...
Well put, LaTuFu... Yes, ADHD'ers do their share of the damage... guilty as charged. But regardless if the marriage can last or not, the non-ADHD person needs to let the anger go. Member: ginniebean said it best "Demonization is abusive" http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/overcoming-anger-non-add-spouse#comment-5417 Demonization from the non-ADHD person and their clan doesn't help anyone, forgiveness helps everyone, especially if children involved. Regardless if the marriage is done, leave the torches and pitchforks behind.
letting go is not the same as forgiving
LaTuFu, I agree with everything you said in this post, except at the very end. I agree that the non-ADD partner needs to find a way to let go in order to move on and recover, for their own benefit. But I do *not* see the same need for them to forgive. I think the same things hold true for the ADD partner. And I think they are true regardless of whether the relationship survives or not.
Sometimes, unfortunately, a marriage partner does things that are just simply inexcusable and wrong -- repeated physical abuse, for example. If my partner had done that, I would have no obligation to forgive. And I certainly wouldn't feel any need to forgive it in order to recover -- in fact, quite the opposite!!
I know that most religious doctrine teaches that we should forgive even the most heinous offences, but I can't help thinking that this philosophy gets in the way of justice. I don't suggest that a battered spouse set themselves up as judge and jury and dole out punishment! But the appropriate authorities certainly should. It's my belief that there has to be a balance between justice and charity in order for interactions between people to be successful.
I'm very fortunate that my husband has never done anything too grievous for me to forgive. But I know that if I'd been in the shoes of some other posters, I'd have drawn the line, moved out, moved on -- and never forgiven. And I don't think it would have been a hindrance to my recovery at all.
Arwen...I do not question
Arwen...I do not question your belief at all. I think we might be saying the same thing in a slightly different way.
No question, someone in an abusive situation needs to get out of it as safely and quickly as possible.
The abused person, in order to recover and move on, at some point has to let go of their own anger and hurt. This is just my belief...harboring a lot of negative energy and emotion stunts your own growth as a person. We can't change what happened to us in the past. We can't change the choices we made in the past. We can change how we respond in the future. Letting go of our own feelings is one of the steps needed to do that, in my opinion.
You are absolutely right, letting go and/or forgiving does not mean that you have to remain in the relationship. To me, it just means that you are able to close the door (in a healthy way) on the past and make better choices for yourself in the future.
forgiving
I should preface this insight with the fact that I am a Christian and I believe that our human minds generally do not think divinely. If we give the Bible a chance to speak to us, we would realize how off course we really are. So here is my perspective through that lens. First, forgiving is NEVER saying that what the other person did was okay. Secondly, when someone does an act that ranges between just hurting us verbally to doing something that is life threatening we do need to make a decision about separating from them.
Now we have to make a choice about what to do about unforgiveness. It hurts terribly when we are betrayed by the one person who should be totally loyal to us. After living with a man who repeatedly committed adultery, I decided that what he had done was unforgiveable and I would never forgive him. This is a really human response to that kind of evil.
After 6 months of researching forgiveness I discovered that forgiveness did not require me to say that what he had done was okay, it did not mean that I had to verbally tell him he was forgiven, and it did not mean that I should allow him back into my life because I had forgiven him.
So if it didn't mean these kinds of things, what did it mean? While in my state of unforgiveness I discovered that I was allowing myself to be his judge, jury, warden and executioner. I found this a very heavy burden to carry. It caused me to have insomnia, to not eat, to have tension in my body that never let up and it consumed me. I realized what unforgiveness was doing to my human spirit and that if I wanted to move on quickly and become the kind of person who was full of joy I would need to forgive and let go. For me unforgiveness seemed to be controlling my attempts at moving on and having joy.
During my research about forgiveness from secular and christian sources, I chose to do two things. First I acknowledged every transgression I felt he had ever done to me, and then I added one additional ritual to release the pain and grab what would give me joy. I spent a lot of time writing down every transgression I felt my husband had ever done to me. I would write and then think I was done, only to return later to add more stuff. Then when I didn't add anything for a few days I decided that I had probably reached my max. The next step was to write down the phrase "I forgive you for..." in front of each and every transgression. Then the third step was to say the list outloud as many times as it took to get relief. This is really hard and lots of tears fell. Lots of unrealized dreams and hopes evaporated when I realized the enormous impact of what he had done to our partnership. This process took several days letting go of each one. While in the process I didn't have any reassurance that it was even working. It wasn't until later that I realized that interacting with him no longer caused me emotional pain.
The timing of all this was crucial because a few days later I was emailing one of the women and I felt this huge burden for HER. This overwhelming knowledge that I held no unforgiveness for her was off the chart emotional for me. Lots more tears and a realization that God promised to carry my burden if I will only ask and he was carrying it. I also chose to do a ritual that freed me from the last bit of unforgiveness. I could have done this physically but it worked through visualization so this is what I did. I imagined having 2 helium balloon with strings anchored to the ground outside. On one balloon I lumped the different transgressions into categories and wrote them on the balloon with permanent marker. On the second balloon I wrote all my hopeful future expectations. The one rule for me was that I had to pick up the hurtful balloon first and I could not pick up the hopeful one until I had released the hurtful one to float away out of sight. It was like closing a chapter of my life and starting a new book.
This is why I believe that forgiveness is for ME not for the transgressor. I was the one who suffered for carrying unforgiveness for so long and he had merrily moved on. I never felt a need to tell him what I had done, but he did notice that I had changed. I never want to feel that kind of burden again. You love yourself when you forgive.
different strokes
Brenda, I hear you, and I'm sure you speak for many people. All I'm trying to say is that not everybody experiences the same need to forgive in order to move on. I'm a specific example of such a person:
There are people who in the past wrongly accused me of specific malignant actions and who have never apologized, not because they are ignorant of the truth or because they are convinced they are right -- that I could forgive -- but because they actively don't want to acknowledge the truth so they don't have to admit they were wrong. In doing so, they put me and my kids through significant, prolonged and unnecessary grief. They do not have any excuse, such as inexperience or lack of information -- it is sheer hatefulness on their part. I have no use for people like this, they have no conscience or honor. I didn't and still don't forgive them. It hasn't kept me from being able to move on. It doesn't gnaw away at me, it hasn't kept me from "closing that chapter" and "starting a new book". I do not feel any less whole as an individual. The only time I ever think about it is when subjects like this come up in discussion, and I don't experience any feeling when I think about it except perhaps a certain detached speculation that these people may have hurt other people far more than I by such iniquitous acts. It's just a story about something bad that happened a long time ago and doesn't affect me anymore, it simply resides in my memory as an example of how perfidious some people can be. I still interact with these people from time to time, and it doesn't dredge up memories of these events each time. I'm actually grateful in a small way for the experiences, because I learned things that were useful to understand about life and people as a result. Still, I would have much rather forgone the experience! For me, forgiveness is definitely not a requirement for letting go or moving on. I know and my family knows I was right, I have been exonerated by those whose knowledge and opinion matters, and that's all I've needed to get past it and move forward.
I'm making a point about this because I don't want all posters here to feel that they *have to* be able to forgive their spouse for anything and everything in order to move forward. Some people have a need to forgive, and some don't. Some people have a need to be forgiven, and some don't. From what I've seen of other people, I don't think I'm a unique case -- I think it depends on the individual. Each person has to look inside their own soul and determine what their needs really are. That's all I'm trying to say.
"shoulds" depend on goals
Sunny, I don't know where you've been reading about "shoulds", so it's hard for me to assess whether you have been given inappropriate advice, or whether you may have misinterpreted what you read. I certainly don't mean to tell anybody what they "should" or "shouldn't" do. All I try to do is help people understand the nature of ADD, share my own experience and express my own very personal viewpoint.
Most of what I read about ADD and how to deal with is predicated on the (usually stated) assumption that the non-ADD partner's goal is to salvage or improve the relationship, and is willing to adapt in certain ways that have been shown to be useful, in order to accomplish that. Of course, most of us are not able to make all the adaptations that can be of help. We are all in different circumstances, and we possess different gifts. I don't think anybody is trying to suggest that every non-ADD spouse should be able to implement every recommendation. I think what they are trying to say is *if* your relationship is of high importance to you, it would be helpful to the relationship to try to implement the recommended steps, *if* they are things you are able to do. And I don't think anybody is telling you that your feelings are not valid -- I think what they are trying to say is that *if* you can manage your feelings differently, it is likely to be beneficial to your relationship, which may in turn be beneficial to you.
You absolutely can get impatient and yell -- and it may help you feel better and get something done, temporarily. But my own experience of yelling at my ADD spouse for 15 years indicates to me that it probably will do more harm than good in the long run. If you want the short-term benefits, getting impatient and yelling will probably accomplish your goal. If you want a long-term benefit, you will probably be better served by trying to establish a different dyamic with your spouse that produces repeatable acceptable results. It all depends on what your goal is.
It's absolutely appropriate if it bothers you that you work all day and come home to immediately cook dinner while your husband has been home all day doing very little. This is inequitable, but your spouse may not be able to see the situation in the appropriate light. If that's so, it is unlikely to improve if you do not express your feelings. I found with my husband that he was so focused on his own issues that he was typically unaware of my feelings about anything. I also found that *how* I expressed my feelings made a big difference. If I ranted at my husband, he got so upset that he couldn't think, and we got nowhere. It wasn't something he wanted to impose on me, he just couldn't manage to respond any other way, despite all his efforts to do so. Demanding that he handle my rants the way I wanted would have been like demanding that the law of gravity disappear -- futile and pointless.
I couldn't agree with you more that you should do your best to keep yourself from going crazy. The times I briefly imploded didn't do me *or* my relationship any good. It may be that your needs are antithetical to the needs of your marriage -- only you can determine that. I value my own life, and I believe that every person has the right to do the same. If I had found that my needs and the needs of my marriage were completely at odds, I probably would have cut my losses and bailed. Since they were not, I looked for ways to make things work better. By doing that, I didn't get to my ideal, and I didn't get to do everything "my way" -- but by giving up on *some* of my agenda, I sure got a lot closer to ideal than I had been. I learned new skills, different strategies, and "made the best of a bad bargain" -- and ended up with a better bargain than I would have ever imagined possible -- certainly a much better result than if I had given up on the relationship entirely.
Good luck to you in assessing your priorities and determining the best path forward for yourself and for your son.
Needs
Then just don't get into it.!!!!!? Too late now!
Response to "Needs"
Hi Nicole,
I just read your post and a few thoughts came to mind:
"You're talking about non typical people, so you should be considering non typical relationships. If you don't want the kind of relationship that a person with a particular level of ADD can offer, then just don't get into it."
I agree that it is ultimately your choice to get involved with someone with ADD or not. But it's not as simplistic as you are suggesting. Especially for a woman who considers herself very independant. When you fall in love with someone who unknowingly has ADD, your perception of the world can be turned upside down and inside out. I'm an extremely independant woman and my boyfriend likely has ADD. We live together. We love each other. We fight, alot. Everyday stresses can be unbearable for him, just yesterday he obsessed about balancing his cheque book and went on for 5 hours! 5 hours! It's like listening to a broken record that you can't turn off.
"I would love him even if he never lives with me. Kids might inspire me to move in with him, but even so, there would have to be clear rules about what's his responsibility, and what's mine. If he starts to resent me for that then well, he can find the door well enough. So can I."
Our's is not a "traditional" relationship and I think perhaps you have your own romantic ideas of what a romantic relationship is. I just want you to know that there really is no such thing and I wonder if you have grandious ideas of what a relationship means? My boyfriend and I have known each other since we were 18. We met the first day of university and have been amazing friends since then. We have only recently gotten together to pursue a life at the age of 38. I've known my boyfriend for 20 years and I love him dearly.
What I'd like to emphasis is that sometimes LOVE isn't enough for someone to stay. There needs to be commit, agreement, participation, caring, concern, respect, responsibility and understanding from both partners for a relationship to be successful. And put kids into the mix and it requires even more from the person, with ADD or not. My boyfriend told me yesterday that EVERYDAY is a struggle to not be RAGEFUL, ANGRY, FRUSTRATED, OBSESSIVE, OVERWHELMED etc. These things are NOT my boyfriend, they don't make up who he is. But they are things that he wants to address to make a better life for the both of us. It is a battle everyday to rise above all of the pressure and I think you are belittling the efforts of so many here who are trying to find a way to make their relationship work in the shadow of ADD.
I agree with sadmom, I think you need to reexamine your view of ADD and relationships as I think it's a tad righteous. The majority of posters on this site are trying to live with the REALITY that they find themselves in. Also, I don't think people here love their partners any less because of ADD. ADD is really hard to live with on both sides. I'm not sure that you have really experienced what it is really like and in all honesty, I hope you never have to. It's a challenge and changes your life forever.
I'd like to know what your idea of LOVE is? What is a traditional relationship to you? I honestly don't know ONE couple that has a traditional relationship with ADD or not. I'm just really curious on your take of this supposed traditional relationship that everyone has.
Honestly, your post screamed "you're insane for staying in an ADD relationship if you are complaining about what you need, just walk if you don't get what you need." That makes me really frustrated and I don't need more frustration when I'm trying to make my relationship work with someone I LOVE.
If I sound pissed off. I am. ADD is a very complex disorder that can RUIN relationships. As a very mature, independant woman I'm not afraid to say that I'm in a very loving, complex and frustrating relationship with the love of my life. And I do love him for who he is, NOT his behaviours which can be unbearable.
Sorry for the rant guys but honestly, I'm not in the mood for someone to tell me that I'm so RIDGE and that my expectations (let me emphasis MINE no one elses) are unreasonably restricting.
Nicole consider reading more on ADD and steer clear of men with ADD characteristics, I don't think you could handle half of what people here go through since you'd leave the first instance you don't like something in you partner. Sorry but I think you need to walk a mile in any one of our shoes before you judge anyone here for their choice to stay or not.
Not Parenting Your ADD Spouse
I understand the concept of not parenting an ADD spouse, but if I don't, who's going to do it? In our house, it seems that no one does the job, and I still end up picking up the pieces. Whether I end up doing the job or reminding him to do it, I'm still being the parent. Some things can't be left undone, and he just doesn't see them or remember them. Where I needed to back off from being involved in managing his life was with his business. He replaced me with our son, who worked for him. Now that our son has moved away, he doesn't have anyone to remember details for him. I'm being called in more to assist with managing the business. Since stress makes it all worse, and his stress level is really high right now, I wonder if he'll ever get back to where he was before. It seems that the slope only goes downward, because it is such hard work to make changes.
Who picks up pieces?
This rambles a bit, but...
Certain things cannot be left undone (like bills), but others can. Consider putting together a list of things that aren't getting done and see what your top priorities are, then asking him what his top priorities are. Lop off things that aren't important to either of you, and see who should "own" what, based on what's most important to whom. If it's important enough, your husband has shown the ability to manage - in the case of his business he replaced you with your son, for example, when it became clear that it really needed to happen. Now that your son is gone, he can either rely on you or he can find someone else to help out. Encourage him to hire a part-time person to fill in so that you are not under the pressure of caretaking at the business level, too.
Stress can be addressed to some degree by exercise, which you might encourage him to get if he isn't getting any now. Also, with your encouragement and support, he may find the world slightly less stressful.
So, the answer to your "if I don't, who's going to do it?" question could be "no one". Cover him only as much as is necessary to keep you from disaster or a truly unhappy life - and in doing so, take on those responsibilities as YOURS, not his that you are covering (because you are protecting yourself from disaster and unhappiness - these things now become yours). That will relieve him of the pressure of waiting for you to criticize him for not doing them as you expect and take away your own disappointment that he's not doing them because they are now your responsibility. The other stuff that's not hyper critical to your survival - just let go.
The worst possible place you can be in your marriage is feeling as if you are responsible for him and for his inability to do the things you expect of him (i.e. be his parent). It diminishes his need to address his issues if you fill in for him, and it fills a deep well of resentment in you that he has trouble overcoming. You end up in a position where you think of him in the negative all the time...and in so doing, your relationship suffers terribly (who do you think he wants to be with? Someone who thinks poorly of him and whom he feel it is difficult to please, or someone who loves him in spite of your quirks?) The side effect of unresolved resentment over undone tasks is that spouses become disconnected from each other.
I hear lots of people say "I love him, but he doesn't (fill in the blank)". There is always something lacking. Focus on the positives your husband has, not the negatives. Take on the jobs that are important to you are your own, and then let him figure out how to stay organized. He's done it before, he can do it again. But don't be surprised when you talk about the list I mentioned above that you discover that there are reasons - important to you - for you to have a limited role in his business.
I agree. While we are not
Man living with ADHD
I just wanted to stop in and thank you for your enlightening articles on ADHD and marriage. I can see by the overwhelming majority of wives of ADHD men that two things are pretty constant in these situations: 1)It is exceptionally hard to be the wife of a man with ADHD. As a poster earlier stated it takes a mixture of Martha Stewart and Mother Theresa to be able to successfully manage such a situation. 2) Based on the LACK of posts from ADHD sufferers (it is definite suffering), as you may expect, they are not the ones looking for help. This is very unfortunate.
First I would like to share my story (which is still being written). If you are more interested in the learnings, skip this next long paragraph. Writing this out may be as much for my own sake as for anyone elses, as it is good to get it out. I am currently 31 and was only diagnosed with ADHD about 2 years ago when my wife urged me to go to a psychologist, though when I look back at my life I see with clarity that it has followed me since I was very young. VERY few people know I have ADHD, including my family. I think what has allowed me to fly under the radar is that I am a fairly intelligent person (I know this does not sound humble at all, but it is the truth) that has been able to use the "brute force" of intelligence to skip over a lot of the struggling that ADHD suffers tend to experience. In school, I was absolutely unable to study or do homework at home. It was impossible. I could spend a full week, 8 hours a day, working on one assignment and still never finish it due to being bored and distracted. Instead I relied on my ability to "wing it on exams" based on what I learned in class, and I did my homework during the class before it was due (which was possible because it was infinitely less boring than listening to the lectures). I relied on this method all the way through my undergraduate degree, sometimes to my own detriment. I could have easily done better in many classes, but I just could not study or do homework effectively. I met my wife during my last year of undergrad, in what I would call the happiest time in my life. We were inseparable, we couldn't go 20 minutes without calling or texting each other. I would jog to her building to see her on lunch. We finished each others sentences, we knew what each other were thinking, it was amazing. I decided to go to graduate school after seeing the dismal job market and she supported me every step of the way. Once in graduate school I realized I had to change my tactics, and through hard work and determination convinced my self to get enough home studying and work done to be able to get through my classes. Here is a very important part that I think applies to many people who don't get diagnosed with ADHD until later in life stress exacerbates the symptoms of ADHD tremendously! Graduate school was one of the most stressful times in my life. Working 10-12 hours a day, stressing about producing results or never graduating, worrying about if I could find a job after graduating, living off a stipend of $18,000 a year. Also during this time, my wife and I moved into an apartment, got married, and eventually bought a house which we renovated together, top to bottom. Suddenly there were many more bills, responsibilities, chores, house maintenance etc that I did not have before, in addition to the long hours we both put in at school (she was also in graduate school). During this period, I slowly (it was a very slow decline) started becoming more and more forgetful about things. I started having times where when I was in a situation with many stimulations at once and where I had to make decisions from a wide variety of options (for example, grocery shopping) I would start to almost have meltdowns. So much stress along with so many things to try to focus on or block out made me feel like I shut down inside and I would get 100% frazzled. This may not sound like much, but it was bad enough that I would completely melt down, be unable to even think straight for hours after one of these episodes. I started having more an more trouble focusing on things, especially if there was anything else going on at the time. If my wife would speak to me and the TV was on and there was noise outside the window, I would hear that words were being spoken, but it would truly feel as if they went in one ear and out the other. I could not focus on what she was saying. I also started having a harder time understanding what someone was specifically meaning when they would talk to me. If my wife and I were just talking about whether we should go to the movies to see a new action movie or a new horror movie, and then I shifted my focus to a piece of paper on the table, when she asked "so which sounds better?" my brain could not get shifted back out of thinking about the paper and I would respond to her as if she was asking about the paper. Or even worse, my brain would completely short circuit and I could not figure out what it was she was asking me. This lead to severe frustration for her. More and more it seemed like I was not paying attention to her, like we no longer thought the same way, like I could no longer be depended on to make critical decisions or to do a task that I said I would do (which by the way, she had to take over the bills during grad school because I started missing payments and making mistakes). I started procrastinating getting things done more and more as well. During the 6 years of grad school, our relationship slowly declined as she would get annoyed at me for doing the stupidest things, forgetting everything, not listening to her, not understanding anything she said, being unreliable, and she more and more felt like my mother. We love each other so much and spend every single waking minute not at work together. We hang out with the same friends (she is my very best friend), we share many of the same hobbies (for instance we like to scrapbook together etc.), and so these problems I was having were exceptionally heavy on our relationship. It was at this time she said I needed to make some changes or this was not going to keep working. I put off going to a doctor for a long time, thinking there was not anything REALLY wrong with me, just that I was not focusing enough on doing things "right" and I was just lazy. I worked at making changes, but the harder I tried the worse it got. I got to a point where every waking second I was pressuring myself and stressing myself about maintaining focus, listening to what was being said, not getting flustered, remembering all the things that needed to be done that week.... I was so afraid of making a mistake and messing up yet again. Our whole marriage was on my shoulders and no matter how hard I tried, and how hard I cried, nothing seemed to get better. Finally I went to a psychologist, who immediately told me I show all of the signs of ADD and I am a classic case. She was astounded that I made it as far as I have despite being so deeply ADD in my symptoms. We tried a number of different medications, with Adderall seeming to make the most difference. That said, it has in no way solved my problems. They are all still very much there, the Adderall just helps me focus better and not get so easily overwhelmed. I graduated with my PhD and started working at this point. I could talk for ever about all the ADHD things in my life, how I have about 15 hobbies that I enjoy that I never spend more than a little bit of time on before I move on to something else. How I at least three to four times a week stop paying attention to where I am diving and miss my turn and have to double back.... it is frustrating to say the least.
That was a year and a half ago, and we are still struggling to this day. I work INSANELY hard every day to do better.... and we will have periods where our relationship starts feeling better. Sex is something that no longer is a regular pursuit, as my wife generally does not feel the sexual urges for me that she used to... all driven from her playing mom and wishing she had a real "man" to rely on. Every time things start feeling a little better (which is often a mixture of me doing better and her being extra understanding and forgiving), I end up with a day or two where I really regress and do a lot of stupid stuff and we end up incrementally worse than we were before. My wife is an amazing woman, who is incredibly strong and has tried so very hard to support me. I cannot think her enough for giving me as much chance as she has, and I love her so much. I have felt that no one really has ever felt this exact way before until reading this site. Yesterday I read many of the posts about living as a wife of an ADHD husband and we were astonished at how accurately it described things. I would like to thank each and every one of you for sharing your experiences.
Now all of that said, I really understand the stresses that the ADHD wives deal with. One thing I hope to help people with is an understanding of what it it like to have ADHD. Previously it was a completely foreign thought to me that different people could actually have different ways their brains worked and processed things. I always just felt... normal. Like, I am sure this is how everyone feels, some people are just better at dealing with it. This is not the case. I have realized my brain processes things so much differently than others. Most people can look at something and notice other things going on in the periphery of their vision... I cannot. I focus on one things at a time. It is like the average person has a table in their mind, on that table is a number of things they are keeping in mind and are thinking about. It is all well organized, and when they are done with one of them, it gets filed away in a cabinet right next to them. For me I have one thing on the table at a time, and if something else pops up that draws my focus away, the previous thing gets shoved into an unorganized cabinet with no easy way to pull it back out when needed. When too many things start getting plopped on the table, it looks like a disorganized pile that you don't have the first clue how to tackle and you get overwhelmed. The harder I try to organize things and get them focused, the more disordered they become. It is so hard for me to imagine my head working in any other way, but discussing with my wife I realize that she does not think the same. I tried to get her to understand what it is like for me to try to make changes because that means I have to keep at the front of my mind the things I should be keeping aware of (focus, listening, etc.) and to me there is no room for all of that in addition to what I am currently thinking about. I posed the following exercise to her that I would find 100% impossible to do. I said, "take a picture of a dancing poodle from the internet and look at it. Now, keep that image in the front of your mind all day, no matter what it is you are doing or thinking do not let the image fade." She told me that is no problem for her. I was blown away. I cannot possibly imagine what it is like to be able to keep multiple thoughts/ideas/etc. to the front of my consciousness while also thinking about something else. The more deeply I dive into learning about how everyone else works vs. how I work I am astonished, and realize no wonder I have so much trouble with things.
To those of you with an ADHD spouse, my hat is off to you. It has got to be so hard. However, before you get too upset or angry (not saying you are not entitled to be), think about what it is like being a prisoner in your own brain. Being unable to do many of the things everyone else takes for granted because it has been with them since birth. Think about how much stress it is, to have your entire relationship depending on you being able to correct something that is absolutely wired into your brain. Some people have the ability to make beautiful art... and no matter how much practice someone who is not gifted with that talent has, they may never be able to achieve what a real artistic genius can do. Some people have astonishing ability to do abstract mathematics, like those involved in particle physics... people who just do not have the mental ability to conceptualize such math will never be able to really grasp how to solve the problems. Now pretend you are someone who is very smart, but just cannot wrap your mind around abstract math. Now imagine, your husband/wife tells you "listen, if you do not figure out how to do this math soon, this relationship will just never work." If you really love that person, you will try with all your might, and all your ability to learn that math. You will hire tutors, take classes, scrounge the internet.... but nothing you do will ever really change how your brain works and allow you to solve those problems. You may get pretty good at math, but you will never have the ability that your spouse want you to have. Think of the amount of stress that would put on you, to know that your inability to do something that some people find so easy is what will destroy the relationship to the person that means most to you in the world. You would likely become very depressed with this knowledge, maybe lash out and get angry and say how unfair it is that all of this pressure is on you. Think about that situation for a while. Now, that said, I am not saying this lets the ADHD person off the hook, but I just want you to try to understand the struggle that we go through. And if the person with ADHD really cares about you, I want you to see how stressful it is to have their entire world, their entire happiness (and that of their wife and kids) all depend on you changing something that is pre-wired in your head.
Anyways, I have rambled long enough. Not sure if anyone will read such a long post, but hopefully it helps at least one person see what a struggle life is with ADHD. There are many worse things out there, no doubt. Regardless, it is not an easy thing to deal with.
I really like to consider
I really like to consider myself one of those who REALLY wants to understand and believe the differences are as real as his ability to learn to play a song on the guitar by ear in 10 minutes and my inability to recognize one note from the other. I REALLY want to get to the point where I 'get' the differences. Posters like you help TREMENDOUSLY. I'm always amazed at how eloquently you guys (ADHDers in general, not 'males' only) can put these feelings into words that make it a little easier to 'get' for us nonADHDers.
Thank you for your post...I read it all...and was really impressed with your insight. Your ability to identify your ADHD 'issues' and what they bring to the marriage table is such a HUGE step in the right direction. Do not be reluctant to explain all of this to your wife too..to acknowledge the roles you've both taken because of the ADHD issues, and to accept responsibility for learning to do things 'differently'.
Thank you, again!
Sherri
Thanks Sherri, The thing
Thanks Sherri,
The thing that I think is hardest for non-ADHD spouses (or probably even parents) is the difficulty with the concept that the ADHD person is different from you. The things that are so easy for you (focusing, memory, concentration, understanding etc.) that they come as natural as breathing, or having your heart beat do not come naturally for us. And in some cases, these things are nearly impossible for us to experience in a "normal" way. We never will. The best we can do is learn to find ways that we can avoid focusing on the limitations of our brains and instead focusing on the strengths. Do the best you can to notice what actions of your own negatively affect your husbands ADHD and look for creative ways to mitigate those circumstances. Once again, this only works if your husband is also working hard to compensate for his issues.
Thanks again for your response.
Man living with ADHD
Bobby, I appreciated you taking the time to post, and I want to say that the way you said it is the way I feel. I am the wife that has ADD and my husband who doesn't get it. He tries to make everything equal and fair but that doesn't work well with or for me. I know that the way we do things can drive anyone mad, I get mad at myself but I really like way you put it, we are pre-wired and I know that my self-acceptance of my issues have not made it easier and I try not to use it as a crutch, but it is what it is...
Clarity in an unclear mind
I really like hearing from people like you because it helps me think of ways I can try to explain to my wife what it's like having ADD. As hard as it was for me to believe it was remotely possible however many years ago my wife brought it up, it's just as hard for her to accept it as anything other than an excuse. I can't explain it to her very well and I hope to remember some of the things you say and use them as they apply. I am recently diagnosed and I've been in a mess. It has been very very difficult to try and repair a relationship for almost a year and you don't know what you are doing right or wrong. I just found out about my diagnosis barely more than 2 months ago.
"....Sex is something that no longer is a regular pursuit, as my wife generally does not feel the sexual urges for me that she used to... all driven from her playing mom and wishing she had a real "man" to rely on......" -> This causes me great conflict in my own situation. I've always thought men didn't get into feelings. We're supposed to be strong and not weak of heart. My wife would like that I was more manly, but what does that mean? How can I be a man when I'm so broken inside and not just my brain? I've probably cried more since I realized I have ADD than I had in 30 years. I feel utterly hopeless and finding the "man" inside me seems like an exercise in futility.
"....Think about how much stress it is, to have your entire relationship depending on you being able to correct something that is absolutely wired into your brain....." -> Not to mention that I found out I have anxiety issues and low self esteem. All news to me. As you said, I've said, I thought I was normal. This also makes it hard to find the "man" inside when you are so focused on not failing and without feedback, everything is failure. This tears at my core.
".....Think of the amount of stress that would put on you, to know that your inability to do something that some people find so easy is what will destroy the relationship to the person that means most to you in the world......." -> My wife is not at a point one year later, to grant me some level of understanding. She has been in a mother-child relationship for a long time and I am still trying to gain audience with her. I love her and she knows it, but she doesn't believe I can change. She may not agree, but I would say she's angry and frustrated because she's not interested in ADD(HD) - it's just an excuse.
Some of what you say in the end sounds a bit bleak. I know you're just describing how difficult it is for us with ADD(HD), but I just can't give in to a lot of that. I'm not a depressive personality and I don't ever want to be one. I like to think that my relationship with my wife is a flower. I have neglected to water the flower and it has wilted down to the roots. But I have roots to work with and I have to have hope that if I can continue to water and care for the roots, the flower will grow again and bloom into something absolutely beautiful such as it was 10 years ago. On days I lose hope, I try to believe in the next day. My wife deserves better from me and it's my desire and responsibility to die trying. - ( not suicidal, just in terms of forever )
Thanks
Thanks, for your reply. I fully understand the "not being enough of a man" issue and not knowing how to address that, and I really feel for you and your frustration. I was not intending to sound bleak, I was just trying to illustrate to people who do not have the problem that despite how normal we may seem, there is a true physiological difference between how our brains work and how theirs do. I think that in the end, the only way to make a marriage work in this case is for 2 mutual things to happen:
1) The person with ADHD has to commit to a life of working hard to learn ways to best mitigate the effects of the way our brains work. Just because the hose has a hole in it does not mean you cannot find another way to fill the pool. Using a bucket may take more time, energy, and dedication, but it will get the same final result. We have to be ready to exhaust every possible path to do our best to fight the shortcomings that arise due to our issue. This requires an exceptional level of dedication, time, effort, and perseverance. You will be tired, you will be frustrated, you will be stressed, and you must be willing to put forth that energy to make the marriage work.
2) The person without ADHD has to commit to be accepting and understanding of the issues. They have to be willing to put in their own research into the disorder and try their best to understand what it will take for them to be able to live with these issues for the rest of their life (to whatever degree the ADHD person is not able to fix the problems). They have to be able to admit to themselves that it is NOT just laziness or some lack of motivation that causes the problems. They must learn ways to help the ADHD person by alleviating some of the things that cause the most trouble or cause significant stress to the ADHD person. If the thing that really triggers you falling apart and losing control is when you are on the phone and your spouse keeps wanting to talk to you at the same time from within the room, then the spouse needs to learn that this is a behavior that exacerbates the problem and to not do it any more.
Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING helps me focus more and do better than when i feel love and understanding from my wife. When we are having our best moments, i feel so much clearer and less stressed. So much more focused and so much less likely to procrastinate things. The problem comes in when we get to this point, and I let my guard down. I stop actively trying to focus, trying to pay attention, trying to remember things, I stop writing down to-do lists.... all because I am feeling so much better. Then I start doing stupid things and it all regresses. This is where I need to learn to COMMIT to not let my guard down... ever! Also, even if I am feeling better and am still focusing, if I run into a situation that agitates my ADHD, it also come tumbling down. This is where my spouse needs to COMMIT, to do her best to avoid situations that we know will lead us down a path of problems.
I agree with you
My wife is not at a point where she can let go of the past. My greatest fear is not just having lost her love for me, but that if she ever forgives me I'm worried about slipping. I need her very badly right now. With school and work and kids and us, I don't have anyone to depend on but myself and I've only ever done that in limited bursts. I'm beyond my limits and when I see her unhappiness in her silence around me I can't focus on anything. My classes suffered last semester - well one of them did. I got lucky on my last minute critical analysis paper and that really pulled me up.
Having been recently diagnosed I constantly look back through my marriage and the work I have ahead of me is daunting. The ADD(HD) has been in control for too long. I disagree to some extent that it is a part of me that my wife once loved about me. The person I was for her in the beginning is the person I try so hard to be for her now. I thought it to be hyper-focusing, but it has gone beyond that to really progressing as change. I have a history of backing away from conflict and I choose to fight every day and every day I get punched in the face with failure. I used to shut down or fight back in anger in attempts to control, but now I feel more in control just by standing up and asking if that's how hard it can hit me.
I will never know math like you said, the way non-ADD spouses do, but with effort and understanding, my wife can help with the math and I can help with the critical analysis papers. You are right in a lot of ways and coming to this site usually means that there's only one spouse trying. We can both bring something to the table, but acceptance has to be first and foremost on both sides. If the non-ADD spouse can accept they can forgive and if the ADD(HD) spouse can accept they can willingly work to make positive and permanent adjustments.
Thanks everyone for your
Thanks everyone for your responses!
It is tough to work so hard at something and feel like you fail each and every time. I feel like a failure a number of times a day, when I let things slip through that I realize I should have been paying attention to. Sometimes it feels like trying to hold onto a handful of water; the tighter you squeeze, the more water slips through your fingers. In my opinion, this feeling of failure and utter hopelessness is the real pain from ADHD. From our perspective, forgetting things, not paying attention etc is not a real big deal because it has been part of our lives for ever. It is the feeling of trying and failing that is most hurtful. It is the feeling of letting down the people you love most that is most hurtful. The people around us are hurt by the symptoms, we are hurt by our lack of ability to change them.
I am lucky in that my wife has been amazingly supportive through all of this. She picks me up when I fall, she is the one who diagnosed my problem, she is the one who makes suggestions on how to deal with my issues, she is the one who time and again forgives me. She actively avoids doing the things we have identified that cause me trouble, she reads up on the issues... she is so involved. But for all of this work on her part she has a right to expect to see some change out of me, and at this point the improvements are just too few and far between... no matter how hard it is that I am trying. She knows I work hard, but if she does not see improvement, eventually it is going to drive her away. I can put all of the effort in the world at learning to be a piano virtuoso to help solve my ADHD, but if it does not make a single difference it does not matter. I think I need to learn to be more effective in what I put my effort into. One of my major problems is I build a house of cards with my "fixes". I try to fix 15+ things I regularly do wrong all at once, resulting in me not putting forth the actual attention to each that they deserve. So instead of building with sturdy bricks, I build with cards. I build these nice houses that seem to be stable, I start to feel better, then something that I am not able to deal with effectively happens and it comes crashing down.
I would love to hear from anyone who may have some suggestions or who can point me to any good websites that detail helpful ways in trying to address the problems of ADHD. I am looking for methods, or new ways of approaching the problem that will hopefully be more effective than my straight forward attack.
Very Profound
The people around us are hurt by the symptoms, we are hurt by our lack of ability to change them.
Wow. That is so true!
I am also looking for new methods and systems. I am currently looking for an ADHD coach to see if that will help. Have you ever used a coach?