ADD & Marriage: Non-ADD Spouses Who “Give Too Much”

Wow!  I didn't know someone could put into words what my life has been like to for the last 23 plus years.  Until our daughter was diagnosed with ADD almost 7 years ago, I just thought my husband was inconsiderate and selfish up to that point.  But knowing that there is a reason for his behavior still doesn't make it any easier to cope with it.  I'm exhausted, mentally and emotionally.  I started my "loving detachment" quite a few years ago and it did indeed provide me with relief.  The only problem with it, is in letting my husband make his mistakes, when they turn into problems he has to deal with, he blames me for them.  It's the damned if I do, damned if I don't scenario.  His ADHD has, financially, lead us down some pretty treacherous paths, that were beyond my control, that wouldn't have happened if I had the ability to have managed them, but that now I have to live with.  I have learned to set it aside for the most part and he has risen to the occasion to deal with these issues now, but it was only because the worst possible outcome happened and he finally stood up to face it.

My exhaustion is also our ADD daughter who is now 17 and where she is at in her life.  I have used every tool available to me to help her learn "tricks" to deal with her ADD over the years and maybe some of them have worked, I just don't know.  But she is at the place now, I've been at with her father.  How do I "lovingly detach" from my almost college age child?  At what point should I do that?  She is so bright and gifted (college entrance exam scores in 98th percentile for the country), and is hoping to go to a good college.  In trying to help her with her college process, to get her to see the importance of staying on top of her grades (AP English grades were all A's with F's from work not turned in scattered throughout), and setting up a timeline list of when to do what in the search and application process.  If I don't do it for her, she will, more than likely, not get in where she wants to go.  Do I let her fail and suffer the consequences that are this big at her age?  How do I manage this for someone on the cusp of adulthood?  I know it is all on me as my husband can barely cope with his own life, much less have anything to offer his daughters in the way of assistance.  I fear I may be putting my frustrations on my ADD daughter that belong to my husband, but I'm just so completely fried from my relationship with him, it seems I have little patience now for my child in a milestone in her life.

So, I guess my question is, when do I let go of my daughter?

Great read!!!!!!!

I began detaching myself in a loving but firm way, also, after your suggestion of this, in another forum topic. It was like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.  I have experienced that greater peace and improved mental health.  My husband realizes now, he is the only one responsible for his actions and nobody else.  While he may have a tough time with that realization (always blamed somebody else for his actions), I hope it will help him to make better, smarter decisions, the rest of his life.          

"You should always choose a course of action which is the one which you feel YOU can live with best in the long run (remember that continuing in an unsustainable direction isn’t one of those).  Ultimately you are responsible for your life.  Again, think about where your boundaries are as you wrestle with what will sometimes be the difficult decisions you will need to make about where to stop helping."

Melissa your so right on this. The decision to change my course of life instead of living in a unsustanable atmosphere where I felt like I was choking. You know I have been seperated since january and have learned alot. My husband has a addictive beheavior which I'am learning is not due to his Adhd. He goes in cycles and when he is stressed he tends to start drinking, smoking pot, taking meds etc.. through the years. He has stopped drinking for now only because he is living at a place that won't tolerate it. he is so explosive and I can't even talk to him without him raising his voice. He will come to get the kids and is very nonchanlante to me turn around when he see the kids and starts talking all nice. But if the kids do someting he doesn't like Ex; my son got cut on the finger on accident by another student. They both didn't see pencil. My husband stood there and started reaming my son about why did you so that,Blahh blahh. I told my son dad yell at you about that? He just shrugged and told me that he wasn't yelling mom thats just his usual response to things. Another time  My son was not listening to me and I asked my husband for help. He ended up belittling me and yelling at my about all the things i"am doing wrong. My son told me  mom why do you even bother telling him!  he was reaming and lectering my son badly.

He gets in this mode that is exhausting because he uses everything against me and is so unreasonable. My counselor thinks he may have a personality disorder.Can you give me any info on that? I know that personality disorders can run with Adhd. He is now talking to a lawyer and won't sign the seperation papers because he told me he wants to have the final decision wether the kids should go to the doc's. He thinks that I take the kids to the doc's too much. I ask him how? he starts using things from years ago when the kids where very little. Well when they are toddlers its hard to know sometimes so you take them in. 

 He came by last night and wanted me to sign this paper of all the payments he has made to me. I told him before I sign the paper that I need to look up what he paid me and I 'll get back to him. He then told me he won't be paying childsupport and also that he is turning my phone off . he told me all this with a underlying sneer. I told him if he is choosing to do all this that he can't see the kids. (Not what I want to do) He is putting me in a position of him having power and knowing I'am not working and can't afford a lawyer. I told him that I had to pay about 150.00 dollars in bounced check fees when he took all the money in the bank and my sons cap and gown payment bounced. He blew up and was yelling at me did my money go to pay for that huh I want to know!!!. I told him I took care of it.He at times just comes over without calling. I told him not to that he makes me feel so uncomfortable he is beyond being a jerk. I think he is thinking all this stuff which in the long run gets him in trouble because of the lack of judgement. I started to feel the sign of a anxiety attack coming on however I saw it and didn't let it start up. He also wants to sell the house which really we can't afford, but I'am worried about my Adhd/Odd son. He is use to his routine and a big change like moving I know will really effect him.There is much more, sorry to ramble.Sorry about writting errors. I wanted to give some examples of what he does. I do think he has personality disorder from what I read about it. any advice?

Melissa,
This is the key to so many problems in marriage whether ADD driven or not.  I have practiced loving detachment with my 4 grown children since they were teenagers and began to venture into their own decision making.  It was not easy for them or me but it was the best thing I could do to maintain a good relationship with them and allow them to try their wings.  It wasn't easy for them to venture out into unknown territory, but they always knew that loving detachment also meant I would be there to guide them not enable them to continue to repeat the same mistakes.

I am so incredibly grateful to you for the wisdom you share here.  I am often tempted to rescue my ADD friend, but I stop myself and realize that doing things for him is not loving him.  I also think it is imperative that non-ADD partners really look inward and discover what they want and form a plan to get it.  It was very easy for me to get caught up taking care of others and not take care of myself.  During my long marraige I eventually crashed and burned and I am just now realizing the power that loving detachment could have had.  I don't know why I was able to apply this principle naturally to my own children but not to the non ADD man I divorced. 

I also fear more than anything that I will repeat my caretaking at my own expense.  Could you share how you were able to consistently wean yourself from this behavior?  I believe it is the "cure" for the hurting women here, but we don't exactly know how to apply it consistently.   it is not easy to change deeply ingrained behaviors and we could use some suggestions how to recognize, stop and change our behavior.

Brenda 

Melissa-

I have struggled with the things you wrote about for my 9 year marriage. A friend of my husband finally sat us down and said that he thought my husband Bryan has ADD as this friend had struggled with it for years as well. We both are relieved to finally put a name to what has seemed to be dragging my husband down his whole life. He actually is eager to see a doctor so we randomly picked out a doctor in the area and he was horrible! Didn't ask him a single personal question - just gave him a test and said that because Bryan doesn't fidget while talking he didn't think he had it. We would like to find a good doctor but don't want to risk another 'random' pick. We live in Portland, OR. Is there a resource for good ADD doctors that you can send me?

thanks so much!

Kari

What do you do in a situation where your husband cannot keep jobs though?  I have had problems in my 3 years of marriage dealing with how much I give and give too.  However, although I'm not 100% relieved of this burden, I feel like I have learned to deal with it better.  We went to a counselor and he said that I just need to change my attitude about the things I do.  He said that he understood that I choose to do things like pay the bills, be in charge or our budget, set up dr. appointments, etc. because I am probably better suited for those things considering my husband's ADHD.  However, I did CHOOSE to do those things nevertheless.  I took that advice and it made sense to me.  I have tried to choose my battles and my husband and I both know I am better at handling our finances, etc, so at least we agree on that.  I may not have known exactly what I was getting myself into when I said "I do", but I love my husband with all my heart and I have to love him for who he is.  The problem I have is that in the 3 years we have been married, he has probably only had jobs for 1 year total (if I add up all of the few months here and there at various places).  He is on 3 different medications for his ADHD because he has a lot of issues with it and one of his medications is also prescribed because the doctor feels that he may also have Asperger's Syndrome.  He is fine with taking his medication and most of the time, he is pretty good about taking it twice a day like he is supposed to.  So we don't have a problem there.  In the past, he has quit a lot of jobs impulsively (pre-medication), but now he has a problem with getting fired because "he is not the right person for the job".  He is a sweetheart and tries really hard, but seems to have a problem with understanding what his managers want I guess, and they don't understand him so it doesn't help.  He has been in different kinds of jobs, but he never seems to find a good fit.  It seems like other people who have husbands that can't hold jobs, it is because the husband won't take his medicine or something.  I just don't know what to do because I don't make enough money to support myself, my husband and our 2 year old daughter on my own.  He is looking for another job once again, but I kind of figure "what's the point?"  I just have been throught this so many times that I figure he will be there a month or two and I will be back in this same situation.  Is there any advice for someone in my predicament??

I completely agree that loving detachment can create an atmosphere that enables your spouse with ADD to assume responsibility for fulfilling his committments.  I would, however, exercise caution when determining which committments to start with.  For this to work for both people in the marriage, you have to make sure that you know which committments you are okay with allowing to go unfulfilled and which ones are dealbreakers...then cut your teeth on the things which are not going to make the situation worse. 

The first time I let something go, I decided to start small and let my husband manage the incoming mail addressed directly to him or occupant.  This meant filing new bills where they get paid, shredding junk mail with personal info on it, and throwing generic junk mail into the recycling bin.  I thought that I could insulate myself from any consequences by handling the mail addressed to me and only leaving his mail for him.  What I ended up with was an unmanageable mess...multiple piles of opened and unopened mail, torn envelopes, magazines and samples that began to take over every available surface of my home. Since my husband had no problem living amidst the disorder, I caved before he took any action. 

So, lesson learned....pick your battles.  Know what you can live with, or, more importantly, what you can't.  To achieve success using loving detachment means that you can't just give the appearance of detachment.  You really have to be able to let go on all levels, and calmly accept the consequences of your detachment.

I am new here and actually found my way here this morning because I feel like a complete and utter failure.  Nevermind the fact I have a graduate degree, a fantastic job, and I am successful in my own career---I cannot make my home life work no matter how HARD I have tried.  My four year old is parenting his Dad because his Dad cannot pay attention long enough to focus on anything.  I gave up long ago on the fact he no longer has a libido whatsoever-and everything is my fault...I am stressed, exhausted, and emotionally drained.  I no longer want to live like this.  My husband loves to have a  meeting of the minds with a four year old and I play referee-on friday, my poor little guy was late to his special day of prek graduation because his Dad wanted to do things his way.  My husband does not see that his behavior is the cause and etiology of my sons reactions.  My spouse is now taken to spanking him when my son acts out in response to his Dads behavior which makes me so upset.  It is a few swats on the but with his hand nothing abusive but I do not believe in it whatsoever and I find it doesn't change my little guy's behavior at all.  I feel like a complete and utter failure.  The major issue for me is also guilt because I do not think he could survive on his own he has ADD that severely.  He is overall a great loving Dad to the best of his ability and spends time with my son when not entrenched in the TV...his downtime is KEY...however, there is nothing left for me at the end of the day and I am lonely, sad, and ultimately defeated.  Everything I have tried does not work and I am ready to hear suggestions for help before filing for divorce.

Hi Melissa,

I’m definitely in the category of spending years giving too much.  All of my “help” was initially done to “protect” critical aspects of our relationship, AND so that I could feel secure both financially and emotionally; I felt had to do things to protect my husband AND myself.  I learned over time that a lot of what I was doing was trying to control aspects of our marriage (and my husband) that I didn’t really need to control and these efforts were making me miserable in the process.  So I have spent many years backing off of managing his life; I have worked hard at this, and have been successful.  And it’s not easy to feel that I am abandoning him to forces and situations that are fairly easy for me to manage .  I was caught in co-dependence and have found that letting him do things “his way” even if he fails, it’s still his way.  A big HOWEVER, here – his choices still have a major effect on my life.  And that is hard to swallow and compromise on with many things.

While letting go, and detaching has been helpful in reducing my stress around many things, I have found that detaching from him has created less connection and we share less today than we used to.  My husband doesn’t seem to notice this, or if he notices, doesn’t seem to be affected by it.  And he continues to make choices that contradict the “deal breakers” that I have told him (in the last year) that I won’t compromise on.  I have read a lot of your posts.  And I have given up a lot of my needs that I would say are my “wants” and honed down to my core needs.  I have expressed these to him, and asked him to meet me half way and tell me what his core needs are – but he’s not able to evaluate himself in the same way, and frankly never slows himself down enough to focus on who he is and what he truly wants.  It’s much easier for him to agree with my core values than it is to examine himself (and I know, to a large degree, he does hold some of the same, or likes to think he does).

My husband and I started therapy about 4 years ago when I finally couldn’t take his ADD anymore.  He was undiagnosed (but I suspected he had it as I have family members who have it).  The therapist diagnosed him and he started taking medication (though taking it was sporadic, and finding the right meds is a whole other topic).   Through therapy, I have been able to be articulate and be clear with him about what is vitally important to me.  He has struggled with being able to discover, understand and express his core needs to me.  Basically he says his core values are mine, and that he wants the same things I want, but he turns around and violates these, and then says he’s trying to change, but it takes time.   I realize it takes time, and I have been patient and worked on myself, and learned to control him less, and I have “let go” and compromised on things that I could accept as less important to control.

I started out in our marriage (10 years ago) NEVER merging our finances.  This was a decision I made due to an intense custody battle he was in (and I knew her lawyer was going to try to attach my $$), but also due to the knowledge I had about him that he had a horrible credit rating (car repossessions, etc) an inability to manage his finances,  and a difficult time staying consistently employed.  I just didn’t want to be at the mercy of the way he manages (or doesn’t from my perspective) his finances.  I used to bail him out by “loaning money” to him, or paying him to work on the house, or just coving some of his expenses.  I have recently taken to have him sign loan promissory notes with repayment schedules, but he hasn’t kept to a payment schedule.  So I stopped loaning him money.  Every month I think he won’t make his payments, but somehow he squeaks by.  He manages to pays his share of rent, etc. but it’s always a nail-biter (for me).  For me, there is no future in that, as we can never “share” vacations, dinners out, etc. and when I have paid for trips etc, he acts like it’s expected because we’re married – and he somehow thinks that his fun-loving, joie de vivre makes up for his lack of financial contribution and wonders why I worry so much about it if I can afford it anyway.  Frankly, I’m not his sugar mama and don’t want to be.  I’d like a little thrown my way now and then.  So now it’s pay your own way on everything.  But since he can’t manage his money we rarely do anything that costs money outside of renting a movie now and then.

My difficulty is that I have “lovingly detached” over the last 4 years.  I have not managed his bank account for over 2 years (and he’s over-drawn at least once a month on average since then), I don’t manage his schedule with his children, I don’t manage his (self employed) work schedule and have expressed and drawn boundaries around my core needs.  He doesn’t pay taxes (ultimately I am responsible for his taxes even though we don’t merge finances), he doesn’t make enough money to cover anything more than the barest minimum, he can’t keep to a schedule, he lies about where he has been and is going, etc.  I try to choose my battles, and I’ve tried to be accepting that he seems to be trying to learn skills that he’s never had or has never seen modeled (like honesty) by his family.  And he pulls it together now and then to make it feel possible (but this never lasts more than 3 weeks or so). Our most recent therapist (who we stopped going to because my husband wouldn’t keep up with his end of “homework” and wouldn’t pay for his share) told him numerous times that he doesn’t behave as if he’s married or wants to be married.  My husband even agreed with this, and said he was working on changing it, but it takes time.  He agreed to go to an ADD coach as his “share” of the therapy.  And he did for 3 weeks, but the ADD coach was so ADD herself that she kept missing appointments or forgetting etc.  (Frankly, I thought he would be able to translate the frustration he had with her into his own life and see what it felt like to have to put up with that kind of behavior, but the experience didn’t stick to him – he just doesn’t grasp how bad he has ADD or how he effects others.  I even thought it was a strategy of hers (but it wasn't))

His idea of “planning” a date together is to come home on Friday after work and ask me at 8:00pm if I want to go to a movie.  Then, when I don’t, he complains that I’m not flexible or spontaneous enough.  By the way, I run my own business, am getting a master’s degree and have a really BUSY schedule.  I like to plan, I can be spontaneous, but everything with him is about what works for him IN THE MOMENT.  And he’s on meds.  I’ve told him last minute stuff just doesn’t always work with me – I’ve told him for years.  This is another thing he says he’s trying to change, but it’s such a foreign way of being for him.

I so much want to believe that some day he will GET it.  “It” being what I really need in order to feel we are sharing a life together, and that he would be able to operate together in our marriage with those core values as a priority.  I used to feel I needed to protect him from himself (financially mostly), but I now know that I can’t save him from himself.  I am not dependent upon him financially – I’ve made sure of that.  But I want a relationship – not a roommate.  I want to share goals and dreams together, and work towards these mutual goals and dreams together.  Believe me, I know life can throw you curve balls, and I’m able to flex and adjust and still stay true to my dreams and goals or adjust when life just doesn’t seem to want to follow a particular path.  I now feel our goals are not the same (though he says they are).  I’m not sure I’m interested in this detached way of being for the next 40 years of my life.

I guess my comment (and real struggle at this point in my life and marriage) is that I feel so detached, and it’s apparent to others (like our therapist) that we are living life on separate paths, not the same path together.

At what point does “loving detachment” become so detached that the bond gets too thin to hold?  How do I know that I am stretching my core values too much – while I hold onto “giving him the time to grow and learn”?  How much time it that?  At what point do I realize that I have detached too much? 

I deserve not just a loving relationship – but an ATTACHED relationship?  I know he loves me.  But I want attachment too.  Does that make sense?  I can love someone, but not be attached.  For a marriage to thrive, I want some basic attachments.

How can love stay strong with ever growing detachment? 

My husband of fifteen years (who is willing to concede he might have ADD or "something") finally admitted to adultery. His behavior lately has been pretty well screaming it, and I found out with evidence who/what/where/when. However, I was shocked to realize it's been going on for years. His main reason for straying, he said, was that he just couldn't get enough affection and attention. He wasn't getting enough from me (no matter how hard I tried) and he blamed me for that. I expect things from him. The other women---who know that he's married and has kids, but don't seem to be burdened with guilt about it--- don't really mean anything to him. He likes them, but he's not in love with them. It's just stimulation, attention, he says. Feeding his vanity.

In our reasonably calm and tearful discussion, he might have realized that if he's not getting it from me and the three other women he's seeing, it's something to do with him, not a failure on my part (though he won't release me as a "contributor"). There was a lot of chest-thumping going on, him saying "that's just the way I am, me first, I'm the most important person in my life and the rest of you will just have to deal with it." I've heard this before---he's very self-absorbed. It's like he's got a big hole inside of him that nothing can fill. I've tried. I'll never be successful at it. It's not my hole to fill.

He indicated that I was the love of his life, but he wasn't in love with me any longer, and whatever I decided to do about it was up to me; I needed to begin to let him deal with his own issues and tend to myself.

I'm unsure what to do. Adultery is a deal-breaker in my book, but I do love him and I miss him even when he's in the same room. We had 10 good years, wonderful years when our kids were small. 

However, I'm seeing a therapist for myself and consulting a lawyer tomorrow to see what my options are. My biggest concern is our kids, one of whom has ADD. I fear for the example they will be seeing. I want to lay my head down and cry for days. I haven't been able to really keep anything down since I found out about his current affair. I fear my son will be as broken and lonely as his father is now. My husband doesn't sleep, works out constantly, is in a terrible work situation, and now this. He says he's guilt-free about possibly breaking up our marriage. He admitted some of it was a cry for help, but he doesn't want me to help him. He asked me to just leave it alone for a while, but I don't know what that means and he admits he doesn't know from one minute to the next what his reaction to anything will be.

I suggested he go to a therapist himself, but I doubt he will. So my decision is whether to tolerate this behavior with no hint of a guarantee that we'll ever be in love again. I'm not sure I can make love with him ever again knowing he's making love to three other women, too. I'm his WIFE. I'm supposed to be the ONE. Those were the vows he readily took. He would leave me in a second if he thought I were cheating. He admits his expections for my conduct are much higher than they are for his own.

And he may flip out and just leave before I can make it home tonight. I can't ever know what to expect, what to count on, his behavior is so erratic. He admits he's incapable of making a decision. He's been complaining about his job for years, but just this week he had me do his resume (same night one of his girlfriends got him tickets to a game).

My heart cries out for him, wanting him to be whole and wonderful as I know he is deep inside. But I can't do it for him. Neither can any one of the other women. We're not the problem.

So do I stay or do I go? Can I tolerate him seeing other women and I know it? Is this an example that I want my sons to follow and think is acceptable? The financial consequences in either direction are poor to devastating. Do I bet that a separation will bring him back to his senses? Or do I just cut us both loose?

And then what about the kids?

And then there's the health aspect--- I'm calling my dr today. How dare he do this without a concern for my sexual health! What if he's given me something and he doesn't realize it?

I'm so angry at him for doing this to me. And yet so sorry for his pain. I don't want to be alone without him, but can I let him continue to shred me like this? Setting boundaries = being a bitch. Giving ultimatums (as in "no cheating") = deliberately pushing him away. Arguing in any way = one more notch in the long list of things I do wrong. No one ever does anything really right except him, in his mind, and he'll tell you that flat out. I'm just supposed to sit and take it, or let him go. He's ready to do either. Today. Tomorrow? He might not come home.

I get the part about loving detachment. He's right in that I've got to cut him loose to deal with his own issues. In many ways recently, I've begun to do that. But it's costing ME so much. The fact that he decided to come clean about this on the first anniversary of my dad's death-- so freaking considerate, now I have two things to mourn the same day every year--- but that's him for you. It's all about him and all about now.

Long-winded--- but I'm not sorry. It's helpful to vent on this forum with so many people who understand.  I know it's not possible, but I wish I could raise my hand and have someone answer the question, "what do I do? do I stay or do I go?"

Hi Melissa and thank you for a very helpful website.  My fiance and the mother of my child was diagnosed with ADHD a few months back.   Your website has been extremely helpful, thanks again :)

My fiance and me, have known each other for 6 years. I'm 35 and she is 30 years old.  Our son was born in 2006.  Before that we were breaking up and getting back together over and over.  She was diagnosed with Tourettes when she was 12 years of age.  She has dealt with depression, anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder.

After she got the ADHD diagnosis, I started reading up on it.  I found an article, about 4 pages on adults with ADHD. After I read it, there was no doubt in my mind that she had ADHD.  The article was a description of her in every sense!  She got her results from the diagnosis a few weeks later, confirming that.

Our relationship has always been difficult.  She is a very emotional, spontanious person with a big temper.  She fluctuates up and down in a few minutes, from being "excessively "happy to being "extremely" angry.  I myself, am rather a calm and composed person. I'm not spontanous, I think things through - carefully - before I take a decision.  I want and need stability in my life, security.  I'm a "planner" in most repects, i.e. in regard to household (things should have their place in our home - dirty laundry in the laundry basket, after dining you do the dishes, you take out the garbage etc.), finances, holidays, recration etc.  I'm very much aware, do to my job, of the fact that there are only 24 hours per day to "work with" and when you have a family you need to organize if you want to fit everything in. 

We are so very much different.  I've tried to ignore things that have bothered me in regard to the way she behaves and acts, within and outside of our home.  That has helped to some extent, but there are just some things that I can't come to terms with.  One is just simply that she throws her clothes on the floor all over our flat.  I just can't stand it and I feel it give a bad example to our son.  It seems to be impossible to get her to put her clothes in the wardrope or somewhere else. Same goes for dirty laundry.  There is no way to know what is dirty laundry and what are clothes that she is going to wear. 

I'm very responsible e.g. in regard to work and finances.  She is not.  I've tried many times to get her involved in our finances, but that just hasn't worked very well.  We've decided after some debates (and note that, in my upbringing there weren't alot of fights or debates that went on in my childhood home, so I'm not very good at it - but getting better I think) that since I do all the shopping for our home and bills, that she will get a certain amount of money to just spend as she pleases (like an allowance).  If she has a credit card, you never know were that is gonna end.

About finances we have had many argues.  If we spend wisely, we can have a decent life and save a little bit. If we don't spend wisely our credit increases. She knows exactly what we have, but nevertheless she wants to: go abroad for our vacation, redo the kitchen and bathroom, buy new wardropes (not sure why she needs a wardrope since the clothes are usually on the floor!!) etc. Having the same discussion on e.g. finances, over and over and over, what we can and what we cannot has just made me so tired. I feel like I'm living with a child, not a grown up. I'm so tired of having to be in the position having to say "NO" to this and that, just to make sure that we don't get over our head in debts.  And when I say "NO", more often then not, do I get "that tone in her voice". That cheeky , grumphy, disrespective tone.  And I get the lecture on how I never want to do anything that she wants etc.  I have tried to just let her make the mistakes, eventhough they are clear to me, and let her take the responsibilty for it and do the "cleaning up". But then I get blamed for letting her make the mistake in the beginning.  Damned if I do, damned if I don't!

Myself I finished my univerity degree a about 9 years ago.  The past year, she has been finishing her studies (a fast track 2 term study) in order to get into university next fall.  She did very well on her first term and I helped her a bit.  In the second term, she just never got started.  She didn't turn up for school, didn't hand in her assignments.  I was trying not to get to much involved, but tried to support and encourage her.  I always got the answer that things would be okay, but I could sense from the tone in her voice and the way she acted that things weren't okay. About a month before her graduation it was obvious to me that she wasn't gonna graduate, unless she would work, work, work until the final exams.  I decided to help her in every way that I could, so this would not be another year of flunking out of school.  A few days later, she came home (after being requested to come to a meeting with a advisor at the school) crying, with this information that she wasn't even gonna get the chance to take the exams, because she hadn't handed in her assignments.  By that time she had received the ADHD diagnosis.  I went to the school, spoke to the advisor, explained the history of various diagnosis and problems she was dealing with from day to day and in the end she was allowed to take the exams and past them, without any significant difficulties (she is a very intellegent person).

We are such opposits, in regard to almost anything.  Even in regard to our diet.  She has no energy (she eats mainly candy) and often says that she has problems with e.g. dressing our son in the morning.  If I don't take to school, he doesn't show up until around noon. Nevertheless she wants another child! A few months back she started talking about getting a dog. Living in the city and having a dog, is much more work than when living in the country (my dad was a farmer and I've had many dogs).  I was very reluctant and tried to explain to her how much work it was.  Today we have a dog and she barely takes it outside. That seems to have become my responsibility, like almost everything else :(.

I could write on and on about how our life is and how my expectation and hers just don't go hand in hand.  Most of this has probably been described much better by many other users of your website.

I feel (a school text example, from what I've read): like a parent to her - not a spouse; used; without any security; exhaused and worried; have lost my respect for her
She feels, as I understand it: neglected; like I'm her parent - not her spouse; useless; afraid of what will be; ashamed

My fiance, is very much willing (thank god) to get treatment, but she seems to think that she will get medicine and then everything will be okay.  She says, she can't do anything until she gets a treatment - because she has ADHD.  To me, this is not right.  I understand that she needs help, but in the end she is responsible for her own well-being.  To tell you the truth, after she got the diagnosis, I just feel that she uses that as an excuse and an explanation on why she is, like she is.  I feel she is using the diagnosis to push more responsibilities onto me. And if the excuse for pushing assignment overto me isn't ADHD, it is just something else.  Usually: I feel exhaused; or; I didn't sleep well last night, etc.

I do love her, even though that may not come across in my writing. But it is tough loving.  And I'm sure I can't live like this. Things will have to change. But if I say that, she takes it as a threat that I'm gonna leave her. That has been my experience (which it maybe is).  I really do hope that she will get into treatment for her ADHD.  I really do hope that we will be able to find some sort of equilibrium that will lead to more stability in our life. Is that fantasy, living with an ADHD spouse?

Thanks again :)

I have given too much just to stay afloat in our marriage. I can see the need to change and what you said makes total sense. We have been married 23 years on the edge of divorce. He has been diagnosed with ADD 4 months ago actually 2 years ago but in denial until 4 months ago. As I was reading your blog my husband has called 4 times. Would you check and see if I left my wallet in my pants. At that point I realized I should tell him he will have to come find it himself. However I did look because the drive home is 40 minutes and he was already 2 hrs. late for work. But at some point I have to stop this cycle. Somewhere in all this info I had read that medication is not the only resolve. At this point I am wondering if it would be easier to just walk away. I have worked hard for 23 years and owe everyone. We are self employed and just landed two more jobs for the next 3 months he immediately went out and bought a truck with money that was not designated for this. These jobs I got were to just help us stay afloat. I spent 1 hour this am just listening to the same story of how sorry he was and he will change. This is so redundent. I guess the only reason I stay is because it would be so devastating for my 21 year old who I am sure has ADD but doesn't know it and would be completely destroyed if she thought she had as she would put it something wrong with her.

I haven't logged on to this site for a long time so this blog is new to me but it speaks right into the heart of my situation and my life right down to the hopelessness and nothing ever changing no matter what I say or do. It sounds like your husband was very ready to listen and work with you to change you situation. My husband has mismanaged our finances to the point of bankruptcy but will not get the work down to finalise that (much of it relates to his business ventures and not info I can provide) and will also not let go of control of the finances so I can take over. I do have my own back account, I am the only one earning, but he still opens all the mail and determines what needs to be paid and what should wait etc and I feel so frustrated. He does not want to listen to my side of the story or work with me to change things. I just want to push him out of the way so I can get down to the business of fixing everything as best I can. He is on mediaction but is not having any other therapy or help and while like you I think the meds are a good start it is not enough.

To add to the already overwhelming issues, he was diagnosed with cancer in May and is undergoing chemo treatments. I feel like I know what I need to do but feel paralysed, unable to stand up to him and take the steps I need to, to do what is right for me and my kids and untimately him and certainly in the light of his health at present unable to ask him to leave. He has no income, no where to live, no health insurance without me. I feel so trapped here. Where do I start to climb out of this?

The thing that I notice in reading a lot of these comments and in myself is that we are all doers--all of these women who are trying to manage our husband's lives.  You all sound like competent women who can probably manage tens times the number of things that an average person can manage, before 8:00 a.m. in the morning.  I believe that it's no coincidence that we've married the men we've married.  We all probably had a parent who fits a similar description to our spouses and we're desperately trying to heal old wounds.

The trouble is, this path doesn't work.  You can't change another person and if you manage to do so, they will resent you for it and you will resent yourself for expending that kind of energy.

While I believe in supporting your spouse, you can't live their life for them.  I have been investing oodles of amounts of time trying to "help" my husband and truthfully, it's the same reason I was always trying to "help" my mother who has similar ADD issues.  I needed to make them more available for me.

How to detach lovingly?  I don't know how to do that.  I only know how to detach in anger and frustration and it feels very lonely.  I love my husband and think he's a wonderful man.  He tries harder to do just about anything, more than any person I know.  The trouble is, with his ADD, he frequently gets lost or off track.  He's working on so many things, he can't stay focused or balanced rather, in several different directions.

A good friend of mine described him as an emotional cripple, years ago.  I know understand that his fear of expressing his emotions is so deep seeded and so intricately related to his ADD, I wonder if he'll ever find his way out of his head and more into his heart--where I want and need him to be at least 50% more of the time.  That may be too much for him, I don't know.

How to loving detach and remain connected?  Is this even a possibility?

I'm new to this web site but not new in my ADHA marriage.  Where is the best place to read about loving detachment?  I have detached myself but not usually in a loving way.

this is like kismet finding this article. i think i am slowly dying. i have a 15 mo old son with my husband whose last feeding before sleeping "through the night" is about 1230a. at 300a every night, my husband wakes me to get his adhd medicine -- so i get NO restful sleep. i have to administer it because if given the choice, he'd take them all probably. my husband's different from some here - when he's on his meds, he's super productive, caring, and daresay, loving. he likes taking his medicine, he wants to take his medicine. my problem is that when he runs out of medicine, he's a big f**** ass***. we probably have to switch docs so that he can get the amount he really needs so he doesn't run out. the doc we have currently is limited in the amount able to prescribe. after 40+ years of life, he's been finally, correctly diagnosed. hence, our situation.

my issue is relinquishing control of his meds. i can't go on like this though - lack of sleep, constant battles over control, anger, resentment. i've been told that i need to let him be responsible for his treatment and that he's a big boy and he can do it. he was able to take care of himself without me before and he can do it again. i just have to actually let him.

i'm scared though. not to give over control, but that our lives may get out of control. i'm tired of being his mom though. i want a mate, not a giant child. anyway, very tired... i hope someone can let me know if letting him handle his medicine is the right thing to do, given his past actions. thanks :-)

So this post said don't try to "save" my ADD husband. Well he just called from his office, it is 9:45. His class finished at 9 PM. He didn't make any arrangements to see how he will come back home today. We have just one car. He lost his car a year ago in an accident (fortunately nothing happen to him). So he called and told me he doesn't know he can make it home in bus and train because there is not bus at that time in the city we live. I told him about this post and I told him I don't know what to do and I don't want to make any decision about tonight. He asked at 9:30 if I could pick him up the train station (12 miles from home) and said yes. Then I mentioned him about this post and how the post advices that I should let him resolve his own problems. He said he was distracted by talking about this and trying to pack his things at the same time, so he missed the bus. He called me back to tell me he will sleep in his office to learn his lesson.me how I feel like I have been cruel living him sleeping in his office. Now I feel that this is cruel, he need his medicine for diabetes, anxiety and depression, tomorrow morning. So, Is this the right thing to do in this case? Or do you think like me: this is cruel.

I have finally accepted that my husband has had a number of untreated mental illnesses these past 10 years.  Like any mental illness w/o treatment it gets worse over time.  I did force him into therapy and threatened him with divorce if he did not go.  He went to the appointments but did not participate and the doctor finally fired him with me present and told me my husband does not want help and is wasting his time.  My husband was very angry and said "your firing me? your firing me? You can't do that".  He said yes I can.  You don't want help.  We left and I said "I guess he was just not a good fit for you, we will find you someone else."  Those others did not work out either. I gave way too much and cut him way too much slack.  Wearing my RN hat when I should have had a wife hat firmly planted on my head.  Due to this, he would be flirting with the waitress when we were out time and time again and in front of our daughter.  Instead of telling him his behavior was unacceptable and getting up and walking out of the restaurant, I ignored it saying to my self (poor impulse control there he goes again), as well as setting a bad example for my daughter.  I understand that so many of his destructive behaviors he subjected me to were him trying to stimulate his under stimulated brain.  As well as his insatiable need for attention.  I get it, but I still had to endure it and I feel like I am climbing out of a black hole that I never want to be in again.  I don't think this is rock bottom for my husband.  I think he will need to fall a lot further.  April  20th I threw him out of the house after I discovered his extra marital affair.  Now he is in a bar every night.  He's like Norm from cheers now and the regulars at the bar are his new family.  It is very sad but he needs the noise and the people and being surrounded by the flat screens.  He stays until closing and then goes home and sleeps on a mattress on the floor of his parents filthy, dirty, neglected house.  Living with his bipolar mother and his ADD alcoholic pot head father.  I am worried about him developing a drinking problem, if he does not have one already.  Then the flirting with everyone and anyone who is there.  He is addicted to the computer and I found porn on his IPOD.  That was pretty painful.  To see all the porn on the IPOD and my husband never wanted to have sex.  In marriage counseling I told the counselor my husband only wants to have sex once a month.  When Keevil told him married people have sex 2-3 times a week he was pretty shocked and no way was he going to do that.  He saw no problem with us having sex once a month.  He only had sex 3 times in 4 mths with the woman he was having the affair with.  The affair was emotional and mostly about the computer and secret e-mails.  I would say you know we have not had sex in a month.  He would say really has it been that long and then would have sex but it felt like it was out of obligation instead of actually wanting to have intimacy and sex with his wife.  The marriage counselor asked him if anything happened to him as a child.  He told a story about a man on a play ground who exposed himself to my husband when he was a child and then asked my husband to do the same and he reports he ran.  Who know if there is more to the story, but with me sitting next to him that was all he was telling.  So he is now in self motivated therapy for the first time and appears to be taking his meds.  I don't think he has embraced his multiple diagnosis and educated himself and intellectually doesn't get it.  Truly I don't think he ever will.  I understand he did not mean to hurt me, but he did hurt me and our daughter too.  I also understand from looking at your web site that all these behaviors are common.    Unfortunately, this is not a person who was diagnosed as a child and got the proper care and treatment.  He was diagnosed as an adult after he moved in with me and I told him something was wrong immediately and we needed to get him to the doctor.  It was profound and he was very artful at hiding his disorder during the 4 years we dated.  His school in Fitchburg MA missed it completely and he was pushed along. We were together for 10 yrs and married for 6. He did complete a Master's Degree from Emerson during the time we were together.  He almost blew the Master's, but I got him a medical leave (he was having a bought of depression) and this gave him an extension on his deadline and after being back on meds (on and off meds for the 10 years we were together/off more than on) he was able to complete it.  He was also getting straight As in his Master's Program.  He also liked to stop his meds and see if I noticed.  This was another game he played.  Given him growning up in a alcoholic home with two parents with untreated mental illness a childhood of neglect, his ADHD, his OCD and his depression, these are big mountains to climb.  Frankly I think Keevil was just not up for the task.  His coping skills during the marriage were avoidance, denial and withdrawal.  I moved from girlfriend, to wife, to nurse patient relationship with him, which I now know was a mistake.  I gave too much and tolerated too much because I understood the disorder and cut him way too much slack.  I was not a perfect wife and I made mistakes, but I apologized and took responsibility, gave heart felt apologies in the counseling sessions.  I have PTSD from my first marriage, but have been on meds and in treatment for years.  As you know our diagnosis do not compliment one another.  On the web site there are all these married men (20 & 30 years) who got thrown out and then get it together and they put the marriage back together with therapy, couples retreats... you know lots of hard work at your center.  I don't think my husband will ever be that motivated.  I think he just wants to sweep the whole mess under the carpet (which has gotten quite full over his life)  That is how he deals with things.  Denial and avoidance.  In my mind we are getting divorced.  I am going to wait until next April to file when everything is not so fresh and painful and it is a well thought out decision.  Given all that he has put me through, I think taking him back is too much of an emotional risk.  With the ADHD, OCD depression and growing up in a alcoholic home with tremendous neglect is a very big mountain for him to climb.  He says he wants a divorce, so I told him to make it happen then.  I am not lifting a finger.  He is in denial a lot and recently told his Mom I thought his Dad was an alcoholic and his Mom called me and began rationalizing her husband's drinking.  I mean when they went to his graduation from Emerson his Dad was in the driveway pouring hard alcohol into a flack.  So he has gone from admitting his Dad is an alcoholic to now back peddling on that.  Also the Pot is "no big deal" per my husband.  In spite of all of this, my husband is an amazing man, and he has these wonderful qualities that I love and fell in love with.  He is a very smart person and has genius level visual spacial skills.  He is a very creative person.  He is very, very funny and charming. He is very handsome and sexy, but what good is that if you can't even have normal frequency of sexual relations.  Like a Ken doll you can look at but not play with.  I do love him but I realize his untreated problems have gotten the best of me.  The first 5 years were great, but it has been all down hill since then.  I saw the qualities I love less and less over time and at the end they were non-existent.  He has had so many opportunities to get state of the art care at the Hallowell center.  So I am trying to make peace with all this.  Trying to grieve my marriage and find the person I use to be before his disorders got the best of me.  We were in marriage counseling with Keevil and I feel that Keevil could have done a lot more to get my husband to embrace his disorder and educate himself.  For what ever reason Keevil gave up on us.  Cut us loose and said there is no point in us coming any longer that my husband needed to come alone and that his role as marriage counselor should end.  I feel this was wrong.  He should have continued in his marriage counselor role because my husband was willing to continue to go to marriage counseling, but refused individual therapy.  I feel Keevil should have advise him to see another individual therapist and continued his role as marriage counselor.  Keevil just gave up on us.  He never said you guys really need to go to a couples retreat.   Jason you really need to read these books or suggest we read them together in bed.  I find myself feeling very angry a Keevil  for giving up on couples counseling.  This was 1 year before my husband had his affair.  Isn't marriage counseling better than no counseling?  So we have been separated for 5 months now.  We are no longer seeing each other or talking.  Our only communication is e-mail or text.  Seeing him or hearing his voice just wrecks me.  So like you wrote I gave too much and lost myself in the process.  Ironically when I began putting myself first and lost 40 lbs he had an affair.  When the woman he was having an affair with ended the affair my husband went to the hospital in his PJs at 3 am saying he wanted to kill himself.  I got a call at 6am from him telling me where he was and asking me to bring him clothes.  He did not display any signs of depression before this event or tell me his level of despair.  I think she pulled the plug on the affair and the stimulation the affair provided was abruptly gone.  The first thing he did upon discharge was e-mail the woman and try to keep the affair going.  This is after I had been at the hospital every day holding his hand and being the supportive wife.  He actually said "if I was any king of a wife he would not have to had an affair."  In marriage counseling he insisted he did not want a divorce and insisted he loved me.  I said his actions/behavior are not in line with your words.  I offered him divorce and laid it at his feet, but he said no I don't want a divorce.  I said I could not continue on as we had been living and major changes needed to happen.  Any progress we made with marriage counseling ended when we stopped going.  Then the affair. Boom!  I never gave up on my husband. I was patient and loving and kind.  I did not allow his disorder to turn me into a screaming lunatic.

I tried so very, very hard.  His needs were being met, so he had no interest in change or making things better.  He said "I never meant to hurt you."  But he did hurt me.  He use to be my rock my protector, but that person faded away.  He use to be my best friend, but at some point I became an enemy to hurt.   So I would be interested in your thoughts regarding the above.  I wonder if Dr. Keevil stuck with us, would my husband have had the affair a year after we stopped going?  It is also possible that his affair was not his first ,but he insists it was the first time he did have an affair.  I doubt this because one night a year before I discovered the affair I put the chain lock on the front door to see what time my husband was getting home from a sales team outing.  It was 2:30 am on a week night.  As you know in MA the bars close at 12:30, so where was he for two hours after the bars were closed.  He insisted "I wasn't doing anything but could not account for this time or explain the unaccounted for time.  Insisting his male friends will confirm he was with them.  I said what standing in the parking lot talking for 1 1/2 hours after the bar closed?  I wasn't born yesterday.  Lots of lies, but again as I have read this is common.  Thank you very much for giving people like me a voice on your web site as well as your very helpful feedback.  I'm sure I will find myself again and I am trying to be patient.  My relationship with my 13 yr old daughter has never been better since I made my husband leave.  She was aware of his online flirting for approx 2 years on facebook and never said anything to me.  What a burden for her.  She just kept urging me to get a facebook page.  I said I was on a computer all day long at work and that was the last thing I wanted to do with my free time.  Also it was bad enough she was being ignored with one parent on a lap top she didn't need two parents on a lap top.  On his Facebook page there were lots of pictures if him in bars and restaurants with woman hanging all over him.  So when he was outside the home he was conducting himself as a single guy instead of a married guy.  Again, I get it, they need the attention the stimulation.  There must be a way for them to get this attention in a way that does not destroy their marriage.  What is a healthy way for these ADHD men to get the attention they need in a healthy way?  My husband has been getting this flirting attention for years and years.  I don't see him ever being able to give this up.  Now that he has experienced the excitement and stimulation of an affair it would only be a matter of time before he does it again.  It is all so hopeless.  He also want his own biological child.  We tried infertility for 3 years and it did not work.  When the genetic counselor told him his child would have ADHD, could have OCD and bipolar disorder, I wanted to adopt.  He said "if I can't have my own, I don't want any."  Now he wants to find a younger woman who can give him children.  I now see me not having a child with him was in fact a blessing.  I can only imagine what my life would be like with a ADHD child with bipolar disorder and also dealing with my husband's issues.  I would be in a rubber room by now.

Thanks for listening.

In marriage counseling my husband was asked how he thought his flirting made me feel.  He reported "like crap". The counselor said "then why are you doing it?"My husband responded I don't know.  Does he really not know?  I thought he would say it feels good or it excites me.  Do they really have that little self awareness that they really don't know why they are doing these hurtful behaviors?  Again thank you Melissa for your time and giving people like me a voice on your web site.

It's been a few months since I have been reading this website. It's such a horrifying discovery. Now there is at least an explanation for certain things and I'm not going crazy.   Forgive me, I'm disabled and typing can get difficult, I hope I'm being clear. My husband was diagnosed with ADD (without hyperactivity), plus dyslexia and dysgraphia, as a young child. If his mother did not spent a lot of time teaching him reading and writing he probably wouldn't have even started to speak. In his family, ADD is hereditary. I always assumed that ADD is difficult for ADDers but a walk in the park for those around them. Well, it's not.

Since we've known each other (we've been married for 5 years now) we have been in unusual situation, I'm disabled, he has to work for pretty much minimum wage, I help at home as much as I can, but we are broke and stressed all the time so I accounted it all for stress. We were so much in love when we met and I still am, I guess,  but it has been the most difficult, traumatizing experience living with him, like a roller-coaster of kindness and aggression. Ever since I 've known him he seemed to have a double personality, excruciatingly nice one and a violent, mean and almost sadistic one. The nice part is chivalrous and caring, and protective. And then something triggers the mean one.

 He has been changing his demeanor on a dime during any conversation especially if I tried (calmly) to discuss any serious things, anything at all like bank statements, taxes or house cleaning, and using the most offensive, lowly ways to argue like teasing me with my fears, bringing up my past that has nothing to do with him, taunting me to cry, and calling me names. It usually starts with interrupting me and making angry faces and when I ask him why he does it he would deny it and whatever conversation I was hoping to have turns into me crying and him sadistically teasing me. He would be apologizing later and demand to be forgiven, or just forget about what happened and get irritated if I don't greet him with a wide smile. Even if he apologizes for a nasty thing he said, he would ALWAYS mention it later in some other conversation and alter what had happened and would always blame me, even for things he apologized for himself.

That's not all. I have been through two years of physical abuse with him, when he ended every attempt at conversation with an argument and  physical violence, like pinching, crushing, throwing and shoving me and blaming me for abusing him, which never happened as I never touched or hurt him and just cried and screamed. He eventually had to go to anger management classes after his parents witnessed his violence and made him. He still sporadically attends the class. He hasn't physically hurt me for almost two years, but emotional stuff got much worse. I am in tears every week after a normal attempt at talking turns into him parodying me, teasing me, interrupting me, lying about what I just said, lying about his broken promises, which are his second nature, etc. He still at times would get mad and tell me how I "provoked" his abuse. No, he doesn't get physical with me anymore but somehow it's worse. In his best moment, I read this article to him and he tried for a week to have a schedule before oversleeping and screaming at me that it was "my idea" and that I can't "control him the way I want," etc. Well, here we are-any normal person would have left long ago but I'm ill, and dependent on this guy. I tried to detach myself from him emotionally, but it still hurts each time when he insults me. It's a guy I fell in love with for God's sake.

Little things like him "accidentally" spending a few hundred dollars on online gaming, or smoking like a chimney when we have no money for food, or not remembering his own daily responsibilities do not bother me. He works hard, goes to work regularly, which was not the case before, I know he is tired, and I feel bad for him. But I also feel bad for me. He always tells me during an argument that he keeps me alive and buys my medication and I should be grateful, but somehow  it doesn't justify the pain he causes me.

Several years ago I had come across a site similar to this one, trying to locate some information about ADD/ADHD and how it effects a marriage. At that time prior to finding that site, I knew deep down in my soul that there was something wrong with the person I married, but I just could not put my finger on it. After my one son was diagnosed when he was 10 years of age (that now was 10 years ago), that my husband was with ADD along with anxiety. At that time my husband sought out help only to learn that yes he did and still does suffer from ADD but he also was born with anxiety with depression, based on something that had happened to him when he was younger. My husband did get treatment with medication but that only lasted a short time, since several months later was when he decided to tell me he hated being on medication. I explained to him that we can take a totally different route, changing of his eating habits and really watching his diet, hence the dyes in many of our food products. To give you a better idea, we are in fact 17 years apart and we have been together 13 years of our relationship married 12. I have always known that certain foods are in fact just not good for us, I know I reversed my type 2 diabetes 6 years ago. After trying and trying and giving and giving, I am worn out, I have felt at times that I may suffer from depression, that I am the person who is wrong and that I should still keep making all the adjustments to me but this is not so for when I have done so I have felt that I have lost myself and who I am. Several years ago I decided to take up yoga and turn to meditation, along with going back to school. Things went for awhile and I mean awhile but then that all fell apart, my husband was supportive for just a brief period of time, then I had to stopped doing what I enjoyed the most since I could feel he was and still is drifting away from me and the family, leaving me to pick up all the pieces. 

In one of posts I have been that person to ask my husband about his flirting with gal who lives in town here and does he know how that makes me feel and yes answer is like crap and I have asked him then why do you do it? One example of this is not to long after we had gotten married, we had gone out for a bit here in our small town and there was this gal that I spoke of who lives here in town, my husband had been sitting on the bar stool, I had been chatting with someone else when I turned around only to see that she had been standing right between my husbands legs. I looked at my husband and he gave this confused look and I told him that I was going to step outside again there still was that confused look on his face when I left and when I returned. Later on he asked me what was my problem and I asked him about what she was doing standing right between his legs? He could not answer.

After carefully reading everyone's posts I fel that I am not alone and that in the past 2 years I have begun to feel that stay and fight or flight emotion, thus far flight is becoming stronger and stronger each day. 

Money has been a big issue, I run all the books and accounts, I do this since when we first got married (whole other story), that I cannot feel that lack of security, I almost lost my house and the deep, deep pain of not knowing what to do made me ill. After many days and hours I finally got us back on track and I saved my home. I should make this statement that when we first got married I did not know the full extent of my husbands money problems, which after we got married I was threatened by his accounts that if I did not pay his bills I would be the one taken to court to have the money taken out of my paychecks. I left a job to be closer to home after the birth of our son, who is now 11, I had a profit sharing of 139,000, that now is all gone and I am now trying to get that sense of financial security back.

The biggest struggle that I face everyday is finding that the strength again to loving detach myself from this marriage? I know I can do it but I know deep inside that my husband will be supportive but only for a brief period of time, which then I know he will go looking someplace else for affection, been there done that so many times over the course of our marriage. 

One last note I know my husband does suffer deeply from lack of attention based on his families past history and what happened to him when his was younger, his mother to this day still lives in denial about the situation, which was brought up during the course of husband getting treatment, 10 years ago.

He is a good man but at my age I am ready to move forward with the rest of my life, I am 53 and I am tired, drained and as in the article that I read I almost have gotten to the point of giving up everything that I have loved doing and who I am.