At its worst, my ADD marriage was filled with swirling, extreme emotions – hope, anxiety, depression, anger, frustration. These were overwhelming and make me feel hopeless until I started addressing these emotions at their most basic roots. Perhaps, with a few of the ideas I put down here, you’ll be able to start sorting out – and improving – some of the most troubling emotions you feel in your own relationship.
When I worked in advertising we did a very interesting type of consumer research that tried to get at the underlying reasons why people behave as they do. This was based on in-depth interviews of specific groups – for example buyers of vitamins or sugar substitutes. The researcher would dig deeper and deeper into why a person acted as they did. The reason for doing the research was to be able to motivate people to purchase products based upon their most deep-seated emotions by having the advertising express those emotions (or the solutions to the problems these emotions created). On the cynical side of things, you run into this in every woman’s magazine in the form of “want to be loved? Be thin!” and the men’s version “want to be loved? Be buff (or rich)”. More seriously, finding the roots of emotional issues is what therapy (and advertising) is all about. You want to get at the root of your own emotions so that you can be the one who figures out solutions that address your real, deepest emotions.
I’m going to call the underlying tangle of emotions you’re trying to get at “rootballs” here (I like the visual imagery of that!) and hope that if you and your spouse can find and compare rootballs on thorny issues you may be able to approach some of dissention in your relationship from new, more insightful, angles.
Here’s a simple example of finding a rootball: you feel resentful because your spouse never does chores around the house. If you dig deeper one level, you might find that part of your resentment is that he used to do chores when you were just living together but stopped after you got married and that feels unfair…(no, that’s not really it…dig deeper)…you don’t like the uncertainty of his saying he’ll do them, then never doing them, (true, but it’s not the most basic issue...dig deeper)…you don’t like that it makes you feel like his mother to constantly follow up after him…(closer…dig deeper)…when you remind him, he retreats and that makes you feel like he doesn’t like being with you…(closer…dig deeper)…you feel intense pressure from the logistics of running a household alone because he isn’t helping…(also true…dig deeper)…you feel alone…(yes – can you go deeper?)…you feel that his unwillingness to help out and leaves you alone is a sign that he doesn’t love you.
And there it is – the gnarly, messy rootball…the simple problem is that the chores don’t get done. The hidden issue is that you fear it means that your spouse doesn’t love you (for if he did, he would take on his share of the responsibilities…or so the logic goes. The reality is most likely much different!)
This same example could have had a different rootball…for example, one that ended up with the concept that your spouse’s not doing chores around the house makes you afraid that you will have more responsibility than you can handle because your spouse is reliably unreliable…and you’re afraid that you won’t be able to take on that much (i.e. that you are unsure of your abilities and/or feeling insecure).
So what do you do with a rootball once you’ve dug it up?
- Ask yourself – is this REAL? Is it true that my husband doesn’t love me or that I can’t handle the responsibility? Chances are that your fears are outsized. And just recognizing your deeper feelings helps you deal with them.
- Figure out – what am I going to do to make the tree growing out of this rootball healthy? In my case, I went to my husband and told him that his lack of responsibility around the house seemed symbolic that he didn’t love me. He insisted that he did, which helped, but I insisted that it was important for him to find a chore that was absolutely, positively and symbolically his – preferably one I hated. After some lengthy conversations about whether "symbolic mattered", he chose doing the dishes and unloading the dishwasher. Symbols really do matter much of the time, else we wouldn't make such a big deal out of wedding rings. Sometimes they really do illustrate something. For me, a ring was great, but the dishes were at least as good - better really -because it was an every day action that showed he respected and loved me – over and over again. (There was more to this rootball which I won’t go into here, which had to do with not spending enough time together also suggesting to me that he didn’t love me…which we also eventually addressed by both of us modifying our behavior and expectations.)
- Don’t let yourself fall back into old patterns. Once George had agreed to do the dishes, it was HIS. When the dishes didn’t get done, I left them there. (Now that the pattern is fully established I do, sometimes, do the dishes for him as a favor.)
Rootballs are also important in conversations. Next time I’ll write about using them as the basis for positive conversations and about the work that William Ury (Co-author of “Getting to Yes”) has done with his ideas around “The Power of a Positive No”.
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Comments
Looking within is important but I'm desparate for real change
Looking for Real Change
First, let me tell you that your comment shows great thoughtfulness about your situation and how difficult it is. While thoughtfulness doesn't lessen your pain, it does bode well for possibly making it to a better place with your husband.
I am not a doctor, but do know that if you have a child diagnosed with ADHD, the chances that one or the other parent has it are close to 70%. Your description of your husband suggests that an evaluation might turn up a positive diagnosis.
There seem to be two immediate reactions to the suggestion that an adult has undiagnosed ADD. The first is complete relief that there is finally a name for what has been a long list of issues you've had in your life. The other is complete denial.
In the second case, I think the denial comes because the person thinks that they will be blamed for many serious issues or asked to change who they inherently are. There is a fear that yet more people whom they love think that they are "broken". You seem to already be sensitive to this issue, at least at the intellectual level, but seem to be having trouble figuring out how to deal with it at the emotional level.
It is the stigma that is attached to the traits of ADHD that is the issue when your husband thinks about being blamed for your son's issues - and for the issues in your marriage. He doesn't worry about whether he's responsible for the color of your son's hair or eyes, does he? The stigma comes from his past experiences (growing up with undiagnosed ADD is a very hard experience for most) and from society at large. It may be easier for you to have empathy for your son's issues (easy to do as a mother) but, like many, have less empathy for your husband's. (I know that for many years I was angry at my husband's inability to "hold up his end of the bargain" as an adult. My anger had three results - he retreated, we both got increasingly angry and resentful about our relationship, and I turned into a nasty nag.) Just as your husband does, my husband often seemingly thwarted my attempts to control things with my kids, perhaps to demonstrate that he could...just the way a teenager might. We also had different approaches to childhood rules (his less stringent than mine) which I didn't appreciate fully for quite a while.
When my husband was first diagnosed with ADD (after my daughter's doctor suggested he might have it) he read "Driven to Distraction" and was able to see himself in its pages, so he did go for the evaluation. But then he didn't want to do anything with the evaluation. He claimed that our marital problems came from me and the fact that I was always trying to control him. When I asked him to take medication for his ADD he said "I LIKE myself! You're the one with the problem with me...so fix your problem, don't ask me to take medications and change who I am!" It took quite a while for both of us to come to the understanding that the right ADD medication doesn't change who a person is - just helps them control things like distractibility that are getting in their way (the wrong medication, on the other hand, can have some real issues, which is why so many need to experiment to find one that helps without side effects.)
The fear that a person with ADD feels when someone they love asks them to deal with their ADD is very real - and not unfounded. It takes a long time for BOTH partners to separate the ADD symptoms from the person with ADD. My husband was right - my reaction to his ADD symptoms - and to what motives I was attributing his actions (defiance, laziness, lack of love) was definitely part of our problem. I was also right. His ADD symptoms - particularly flashes of anger and lack of focus - were hurting our relationship. It is not until we came together as partners to address symptoms that we were able to unravel this complex dynamic.
So, the first step to addressing your pain is to genuinely separate the symptoms from the man. You both need to do this, not just you. Ned's books can help (try both Driven to Distraction and Delivered from Distraction) because they provide a lot of upbeat information and ideas about dealing with symptoms. One of the things that helped me was taking a serious look at why and how I was treating my daughter's struggles with ADD differently from how I was treating my husband's. With my daughter I was supporting her by helping her learn the skills she needed to overcome her symptoms and expending the large amounts of energy needed to remain patient and caring. With my husband I was demanding that he have these skills already, and when he demonstrated that he didn't have them, punishing him for being inadequate. As I learned more about ADD I realized that this was unfair. I also determined that my behavior was driving him to a place where he not only didn't care to try, but felt that he could never be good enough for me, even if he did try (so why bother?). His expectation that I would respond negatively to him (which I most often did) completely demotivated him and poisoned all aspects of our relationship.
You can get out of this pattern. I suggest that you take a look at some of my blog posts about various ways to approach this (though the general outline is often the same, the details are different for each couple). Some particularly relevant posts are here and here.
Though it may feel as if it is yet one more burden that you have to bear, a real turning point can be forgiving your husband for your joint past together, and trying to move forward. Try to set yourself some small, more reachable goals - First, finding the strength in yourself to forgive both of you for where you are now (accepting it and thinking forward rather than backwards) and second, creating an environment in which he can learn that HE is not his ADD symptoms. Treating his symptoms will allow him to bring out the most wonderful parts of himself and put aside the symptoms that are initiating the havoc in your relationship. You might try asking him to read about ADD just to learn about how it affects your son and trust that he'll see himself in it, too. (Note - in order to create this environment, you need to make it safe for him to experiment a bit.)
Good luck with your efforts, and let us know how you are doing.
Melissa Orlov
How do I fight his denial?
Don't Fight His Denial
Perhaps changing your approach would work here. The problem isn't that he is in denial about ADHD. The problem is that you and he are not creating a viable marriage. It does not matter whether he changes his medications - what matters is that he addresses the issues that are making you both miserable. Medication is only one way to address the issues.
You have already been separated once. That was enough of a shake up, apparently, for him to manage his behavior in a way that encouraged you to come back. He seems to be able to focus on this, at least temporarily, when he feels it's absolutely necessary.
You have been collecting tools that might help him see that his anger is an issue for your relationship. You can offer those to him, but don't try to force them on him - you'll just create more anger and resentment.
What is his motivation for staying married? Or for getting back together with you after the separation? Is there a way to use that motivation to help him see what he has to lose if you don't make it as a couple?
As you are starting to have physical as well as mental health issues, it's probably time to tell him that you don't care what his motivation or reasons are, but you can't live with him this way. You have no personal stake in what solution he may find to the issues - only that a solution is found. You are delighted to help in any way that seems reasonable and safe, and welcome his input and ideas. You should also promise to take comments that he makes about your own behavior in good faith to heart and work on them. Men, in general, like to find solutions more than they like to discuss things...so let him. Also, note that it would be fair for you to position this as your issue (which it is) or as your joint issue (which it is, since you are part of the partnership) but you will do yourself a disservice if you position this as his issue. It is only his issue insomuch as your unhappiness will eventually lead to the dissolution of your marriage if a better arrangement isn't found.
Let me delve into that a bit further, as that may sound strange or harsh to you. The reason I say that it isn't his issue isn't because he's an angel here. Rather, it's because it isn't his issue until he owns it. You can't make it his issue - only he can. (Theoretically, there may be some woman out there who loves his anger and wouldn't have a problem with it at all...you just aren't she.) One of the things that finally did get through to my husband when he was in denial was when I said (in a number of different ways) "Look, you're right - I have an issue here - I am miserably unhappy. But as long as I am miserably unhappy and living in the same house with you, you also have a problem. Wouldn't you rather have me be happy? Wouldn't you have a better life if I were?" (The obvious answer to this is yes - but you have to make yourself happy...to which I answered "yes, I admit I am responsible for my own happiness, BUT the things that are making me unhappy are all tied up in YOU, so I need to have your help and assistance. You said you would "take care of me" when we got married. I need you to take care of me now.")
As you move forward, you need to jointly set rules for your marital conversation - and those that follow - and then stick to the rules. For me, those rules would include: no bashing the kids or involving them in your disagreements; no name calling; every possible attempt to use a civil tone of voice; a willingness to take a "time out" from any conversation when EITHER spouse calls for one - no questions asked.
Again, along the lines of striving for joint ownership, set these rules with your husband. You can't set rules for him - he has to "own" them.
I don't know if this helps or not. Again, move the conversation away from ADD and towards finding some sort of marital harmony. Let him be responsible for his share of finding the solution. If he can't -or won't - do it, you may not be able to stay married.
Melissa Orlov
Thanks for the advice
More questions - still desperate
More questions - still desperate
your kids
I am a big believer that having kids does change the rules when it comes to deciding whether or not you abandon a marriage and start fresh. I personally think that you have a responsibility to them to make sure you have exhausted your options before you move on.
That said, I also believe that kids are happiest in a happy household. Living in a household mired in unhappiness is not healthy for anyone.
So my philosophy is to work hard, but be willing to cut the line when the time seems right. I also chose to be very open with my kids about the fact that my husband and I were struggling. They know it, anyway, and that way they don't suddenly have the rug ripped out from underneath them if things fail. Be careful to balance "we're having difficulties" with "we're working on fixing our issues" and to never try to ask the kids to side with one or the other of you (so no "your father is so annoying" comments!)
While your friends have your best interests at heart, wouldn't it be more helpful if they said "follow your heart - relationships are complex" rather than "you have a chance of finding someone if you leave now"? For one thing, if you are a nice person you will find someone else no matter when you leave the relationship (if you do) AND you will be doing it on your own terms, knowing you did all that you could do in your marriage, first.
Your husband is doing the same things over and over again because that is what people with ADHD do before they figure out how to manage their ADHD. It doesn't mean that he's a hopeless husband. It means that he has spent his life spinning his wheels and he doesn't know how to do anything else. We without ADD take many things for granted - how to keep ourselves organized, how to manage relationships, how to read emotional cues (to name a few) because we learned those things when we were younger. Folks with ADD don't tend to learn those things because they are too unfocused to do so (you only have to hear your child tell you she has no idea whether or not she has homework - even though she was in all of her classes - to understand just how all encompassingly different it is to live your life with ADD. Did you ever not KNOW whether or not you had homework?!)
Treatment for ADD starts with accepting you have it, then figuring out what will help you focus enough to start managing it, then learning all those skills. It takes time and effort and, hopefully, support from a loving spouse or parent. For the adult there are additional problems heaped upon the ADD person because others expect adults to already have mastered the skills they are missing (unlike kids, who are only expected to be willing to learn them).
It sounds as if you have lots to offer your husband and it also sounds as if you are still in a "let's work this out" mode. It's great that you are smart and attractive and willing to take control of your life with the exercise and looking for answers. You'll still be that same smart, attractive woman a year or two from now. You want to make sure that you stay long enough to fully understand whether or not there is hope. You also want to make sure you don't stay so long that you stay out of desperation or that you somehow hurt the kids. I think you'll know when you reach the tipping point. In the meantime, remember that having kids means that you will always have a relationship with this man - married or not. Whatever you build today - and however you act towards him or yourself - will be part of that relationship in the future. Burning bridges isn't a great idea.
And towards that end, I just posted a blog about understanding the limits of your control over a spouse. You may want to take a look.
Good luck, and let us know how it's going.
Melissa Orlov
As a person (male) just
Thanks for the tips
great insight
help me win my husband back
Sharing the chores
My ex husband had ADD, no hyperactivity. He and I agreed to take turns doing the dishes. He would let them go for days on end until they piled up in the sink. I eventually put them in a garage bag on the back porch. He was thrilled when he got home to find the sink empty as he thought I had done what he had hoped I would. Nope they are waiting on the porch where I do not have to smell them. Of course he was angry for the rest of the night even though he had created this situation. Ugh that was my marriage.
Michelle D.
LOL
OMG, this is something I would do. When I was working I would get home at 7 pm. He works early in the day and is usually home by 4:30-5. When I walked in the door he would be sitting on his computer or out in the garage pretending to be working but mostly just sitting around. I would be livid that dinner prep was not done and I would have to start cooking at 7 (still in my office clothes) so we could eat before 9 pm. I got wise though. I just started to do whatever I wanted when I got home too and did not cook. Finally a few days into no dinner being prepared he made some snide remark but he got the hint. I wasn't expecting a big meal, hamburgers or spaghetti are easy enough to make. This is one of behaviors that irritates me most, pretending he just arrived in the household and has no idea what is going on.