Husband's Turn

Coming from someone who has ADHD, I would say a smaller calendar is better, if I see a large calendar or long list I just see a whole mess of things that I probably won't get accomplished. I have to keep it to 2 or 3 most important things and 2 "if I have time" items. That works better for me personally.I cant see 30 days of things to do, it freaks me out.

Yes, you may.  I have been a little busy lately with the "day job", but scan thru the comments at least once a day to weed out the spam from the approval queue, so I will see your question in a timely manner.  George

Joshua.... this sounds a bit like me... I too have had a problem as you can see from some of my other posts with a "schedule" or doing things around the house for example. To sum it up.... I was placed on adderal. and have been on it for about 4 months now 20mgs. It is woriking wonders. Have you talked to your dr about your dose? Maybe up it a bit. I found a vast improvment on my time management and organizational skill once I was on it up to full 20mgs. That being said. Adderall and all meds don't have the same affect on everyone and it may not be for you, may need to try another one. I found that once on adderall ( i assume the same for all adhd meds) that I was able to focus more and think a bit clearer and able to plan out what I was going to do next or jus tthe plan of the day. I was able to start on house chore and finish before doing the next. Where as before I would think of 10 things that needed to be done and just get overwhelmed and not do any of it... this turned into a probelme with the wife as you could imagine. BUT with meds and counsoling, it has helped. A side not before I fortget, if it was just an expression forget it, but you mentioned need a drink of water doing the laundry, dry mouth is a side effect of adderall, just in case you didn't know, I didn'[t when i started taking it. As I stated above councoling is very helpful in dealing with ADHD, it maybe good if you haven't done it to start and do that to better understand yourself, I know that it has helped me greatly and am just now seeing that I am in fact chaning some of my ways. A very good book, is Driven to Distraction. I found a lot of info there as well as it pretty much describinh my whole life. I am in my 30's and just diagnosed about 4-5 months ago so I am still fairly new at this. It was something that i always thougth I had but never got it diagnosed unitll it casued a problem in my marriage. To that effect, I have been dealing with my "new self" or me since I have been on meds and counsling and it has been 4-5 months and am now just seeing a change or noticing it myself, ADHD is not something you can cure overnight, like i said it has been 4-5 months and i am now just noticing a change. My wife noticed it shortly after my meds as did I for somethings but my way of doing things or way I act/behave (not the right word) has taken 4-5 months to notice. I think that the Driven to distraction book would be very good for you to read and very helpful. I think that your wife might benift from it too, so she can see what you are going through or how your brain actually functions. We are wired differntly and process things a lot different then everyone else. I know first hand all about that. I think that if she understood how you worked it might give a her a bit more patience and less stress for you... Hope this helps any more questions just ask... take care...

Hi Joshua, I'm sorry to hear that you have all of these frustrations going on in your life right now, but when I read your post, I relfected into my own relationship. I'm super organized and like things in order, and he isn't that way. I hope that in my rambling I can share some of my thoughts and experiences with you. I am probably the most impatient person in the world, its really bad, and my partner whom has ADHD, takes alot longer to do things than I do. It drives me crazy that he seems to take hours to do what would take me five minutes, and it boggles me. At the same time, it boggles him that I get things done so quickly, as if I'm taking some form of speed. We actually are able to laugh at each other now. What really caught my attention, is your discussion about cleaning the dishes. It kind of made me smile. This used to be a never ending frustration. He takes a good amount of time to do the dishes, and I well, can clean up an entire kitchen in five minutes. He is puzzled and amazed at the speed, and wishes that he was able to be as quick doing things because it will delay his entire day taking on a task, which to him, is huge. I get boggled at how easily he seems to get overwhelmed, but the more I read about ADHD and how the brain's thought process works in that condition, it made sense. I wondered why he often took so long, and he told me that he felt it was some form of OCD, and perfectionist behaviors. He said "I want to make sure I get it all." Meaning, he will go over a clean plate twelve times to make sure its clean, but he is this way with everything. He will go over and over and over whatever it is he is doing, to make sure its all done. Like you said, thorough. He has been on medication since December of last year, and it hasn't increased his speed in cleaning. My partner and I used to argue all the time over household tasks, and I picked up on a pattern. It was when we were trying to accomplish the same cleaning tasks at once! Since we both do things so differently, we seperated the tasks and do them at different times so we don't get in one another's way. I like that he is helpful granted the situation, so I am okay with what he takes on or doesn't. Any extra is just a bonus. He does the dishes and vaccuums everday, and will throw in a load of laundry here and there. I'll dry the laundry, fold it, clean the other parts of the house that need to be done, and clean both full bathrooms on the weekends. It seems to work out great. I have not been the perfect non-ADHD partner, but I did learn that I was once at one time acting as harshly as your wife is now. Has she ever taken a step back and think that maybe she just needs to be patient?? Does she have any anxiety issues? Control issues? I can say that for myself, the anxiety of wondering when and how something would get done would make me feel as if I was going to jump out of my skin. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have learned to be a little more patient and understanding. He also, will keep a clock around him when he is doing things in case he gets caught up in the moment and drifts away from the time he has worked on something. Has she taken any time to learn about ADHD and how your brain processes things? Believe me, I know how hard it is to be patient, but just as she wants you to improve certain aspects of your ADHD, she should give a little and learn to be patient with how you do things. Being a super duper organized paperwork freak of my own, that maybe when she has a set "to-do" list, its probably hard for her to break out of her own scheduled plans, and difficult to have to wait to check something off of that list. That is a form of OCD, at least I think it is. It probably makes her anxious, because I still get the same way. In my thoughts, she should be grateful that you are willing to help, and accept that you are willing to take 5 hours to clean the dishes if need be. In the end, all that should matter is that you did the task, and accomplished it; it shouldn't matter how you got it done; as long as it is done. If she can't appreciate that you are trying to help with the household tasks and you aren't doing a good enough job, than maybe she should to them all herself and not complain. I know for myself, it was alot easier to stop nagging, and appreciate the little things that he did to help me out. a great deal. In the end that little thing made a HUGE difference in helping from day to day.