ADHD and Marriage: If You're So Unhappy, Why Stay?

Hi! I just found this website tonite and was so overjoyed that i could burst!  We have3 kids and things have been getting incredibly tough.  I have been told that i am overly controlling and bossy and that i just want to argue.  My adhd husband consistently backs out of childcare, is late for appointments, making me feel like i'm asking too much of him because he owns his own business.  I work and our kids are 5, 2 1/2, and 7 months.  i cant take it anymore.  i do everything including covering for him with the kids and watch him break their hearts when he tells them to be quiet or doesnt want to be around.  We r in serious financial straits, he wants to redo the living room for the second time because family is coming over for the holidays even when we r 3 mortgage payments behind.  its always someone elses fault.  safety doesnt matter. the kids get too much attention, gifts, etc... because its not about him. i feel so depressed and alone and his dad has it tooo and has also recently begun ganging up on me too.  i dont want a divorce becausse i still love him and am also nervous about him with the kids.  he will just dump them on his 70 year old irresponsible dad and will just go thru the motions.  i feel trapped...

Hi!

Yes, my spouse continues to refuse to get an evaluation and treatment.  It is all my fault.  I have a child with it as well and is getting therapy.  It is so difficult to raise a child with an uninterested spouse that would rather run around in circles than work on communication.  The neglect is profound.   For me and my child.  It will be lasting on my child and I can't change that.  I am not responsible for my spouse's behavior.  I am blamed constantly for it and in front of the child.  It breaks our hearts.  But, instead, my spouse just makes threats.  He also has brought in his coworkers into this and let them help hurt us.  Sad.  Scared.

Hi!

I just read your e-mail and found my situation to be similar to yours and many others! I have been married for 20 years and we have 2 children.  There have been many years of his drinking problem, in and out of work, being unfaithful, talking to me rudely in front of others, his tantrums, his time; which is so very important. There have been some good times in between the horrible times.

He was diagnosed with ADD in May last year. He takes medicine Ritalin, which has helped somewhat. He has stopped drinking and smoking, since September last year. He does not work but is applying. We can talk about the kids, shopping and bills. He does a bit of housework everyday, takes the kids to school and training and plays with them on and off. He will give me a massage now and again. He will give me a quick kiss when he goes out. He is a good Dad but I wish he was my partner and not my friend/child. 

When it comes to us, he does not want to go out with me. The evenings are the worse. He will want me to sit on the sofa and watch tv, where he always casually puts his arm on my thigh. When a film has finished I say goodnight and he will play his computer game. I have screamed and cried while he hasn't`t even taken his face away from the computer. 

We go to marriage counseling, he has no experience with treating couples with ADD/ADHD but is going to find out about it. I am going to buy Melissa Orlov`s book, The ADHD effect on marriage. To find out how things can be better and if I really want to stay with him. Also what is best for our kids. 

It is so important to look after yourself. I really hope things are better for you now and that you can find the energy to spend some time on yourself :.) 

I'm new to this site after seeing it on the Today show, but I read these posts and cry because this is my life.  My son was diagnosed 2 years ago with ADHD and I immediately noticed my husband was a grown-up version of my son.  NOW I see that for 13 years I've been dealing with ADHD.  The forgetfulness, the disorganization, the hyper-focusing on hobbies/computers, the thrill of the "courtship" to the forgetting of anniversaries/birthdays etc. 

I want OUT so badly, but he has ruined us financially and we cannot live on our own for about 2 years.  What am I going to do? He refuses to go to counseling (he went to about 5 sessions with an expert on adult ADHD and then stopped because he ran out of money), he has started smoking again, spends hundreds of dollars a month on electronics and video games etc.   He ignores/neglects his own children and spends hours sitting in front of a computer playing video games.  I've been taking care of the entire house, yard (3 acres), shopping, doctors, planning etc etc. 

My 11 year old told me last night "Daddy would rather spend time at ****'s house than with me" (his friend).  I've done what the posts said and left articles, books, pamplets about ADHD around the house and directly given him support group information.  Last night I calmly told him "you have ADHD and need treatment/medication".  He screamed at me "you have a terrible attitude and YOU need medication". 

Yes as a matter of fact I DO need medication.  I take medication for high blood pressure, medication to help me sleep, medication for ulcers etc.   I feel like I'm falling apart.

I don't know what else to do other than vent to those who are also in my shoes.  Maybe someone on this post lives near me and we could meet.  I've recently found some low cost counceling that I'm looking into, but they don't take children and I'm afraid my children are being horribly scarred by his behavior.

thanks for listening and providing a site with great information.  I just wish those with ADHD would take personal responsibility for themselves and realize that their behavior is affecting others. 

I have almost  a year of separation, in it has been a blessing. I am the non-ADDer spouse. I think the healthy decision for me is divorce. i am also Christian, I believe in God, Jesus Christ and I think God gave us the opportunity of having the wonderful family we have. But it doesn't mean we have to be together. Our kids are going to be gone as soon they graduate from college. For me and for my girls and even for my husband to finish with the marriage is not a giving up. We are giving each other the peace we need at home. And the girls for not having him all the time at home have less opportunities to lose respect for him. I know they will love him no matter he does or he doesn't. But having him in the house is a burden and a worry for us at all times. He is the one who distract the girls for home work, or for being on time for dinner, because he continuously has a funny video from youtube to share with them, or a facebook friend dog picture to show them. So, I am not only have to supervise my daughter but also my husband a remind him several times o close the computer or TV when they are doing homework.

Several years ago I asked my daughters this questions: Would you like to have a mother who is mistreated and feel unhappy but not making decisions because fear, doubts, lack of courage, or for religion reason. Or a Mother who can see a problem, try hard to solve it, but understand that it is not in her hands to solve the husband problems, and then get divorce to keep herself mentally healthy and a peaceful home. They choose the second mother. I think we can also be a good example for our kids when we have to make drastic decisions in live.

My daughters know how much I have being doing (good and bad) for keeping our family together. But we also have to be wise and brave to finish with a situation that make our live and the live of our kids miserable. Because, the kids also suffer for their father behavior. I don't want my daughters feel pity for their father day after day. At this moment he is around 3 times a week, and help with our daughter transportation. 

Marriage is commitment, is a very serious business and if one of them is doing his/her best, it is not a marriage anymore. I am not saying we don't have to try, but if one of the spouse resist the help, and avoid the necessary changes, there is not much positive enouragment to continue trying. 

My husband also write in this block, and if you read his posts, you will think I wish my husband is like him. My husband has a wonderful writing skills, but he doesn't follow his own philosophy, his own understanding of his problems.

I am Christian, I am grateful for my daughters (12 and 14) and even my ADD husband, because it's making me growing in so many ways, but I am convinced after 20 years of marriage that our marriage is not really a marriage, and the best thing in our case is to finish with this dysfunctional, non-sense broken relationship (I can not call it marriage).

Good luck for everyone.

Yes, I can't believe I'm still here neither, Ann. I was being true to my vows,but after 30 years plus, realized I didn't do my kids or myself any favors. It's been a struggle and I am left feeling empty, defeated and discouraged. think carefully:)

Hi Ann Achiever!

Your life is so like mine. I am curious where things are at now. I have 4 kids and my husband has created chaos for years - especially the past 8.

We are born again Christians and unfortunately I finally realized one of his control methods for me is 'spiritual abuse'. When I need to make a boundary he doesn't like, he pulls a statement like " If you seperate from me financially, you would be defying God and our pastors." Since I finally have had my eyes opened to what is really happening in our lives (thanks to God opening my eyes!) I laughed and wrote down his statement and dated it - told him that is spiritual abuse! Fortunately my pastors (this time) backed me up in seperately financially. My husband has lost jobs, made illogical money decision with inaccurate information (b/c he doesn't understand it, doesn't listen to all the details, etc) and has repeatedly 'forced' me to get jobs when he does these things. He wants to do missions work - once he decided to fund raise for us to do missions in another state and believed he would not need to work at all while raising the money! When I told him repeatedly that we would run out of money and on exactly what date he would accuse me of not having 'enough faith'. The spiritualizing of things is the ugliest part. It is control and is sin. We ending up cashing in a $11,000 retirement fund - I quickly mailed lots in to pay the electric/gas bill months in advance for the cold winter and paid 3 months of rent in advance. We still ran out of money again a couple of months later! I did work a part-time job at a nursing home doing the laundry while he was 'fundraising'. He agreed he would take care of the 4 kids and clean the house at least 20 hours - I told him he couldn't fundraise full-time b/c I was working. I came home to find the kids neglected and him created lavish logos for the new English as a Second Language school he wanted to start.

I now believe I can honestly say our marriage is abusive verbally (names called, most spiritual related), emotionally (consistantly blamed for his problems/mistakes), financially (I manage all the finanaces, he neglects reality and does what he wants when I warn him about dire consequences) and spiritually, of course. Whether or not these forms of abuse relate to medicated ADHD doesn't really matter. He behavior is wrong, abusive and sinful. 

He has refused to deal with his issues for years. Recently I found out from our 13 year old that he goes on Facebook when driving the kids (and I imagine himself too). He doesn't have an iphone - not that it really matters - but his screen is about 2 inches square.  When I confronted him about this in front of the two oldest children (who brought it to my attention) very calmly and respectfully, he when nuts and got angry at me for disrespecting him for bringing it up in front of them. The entire argument became how wrong I was for handling it this way. The topic of car safety was not allowed to entire the conversation. I had been planning prior to this to tell him that he has one more year to change or the big D or seperation. When I told him he asked 'who said you could do this/say this? What pastor?' He seems to think I need permission for all things from a spiritual authority figure.

He suddenly is treating me better and doing chores and saying yes to everything I say and ask for fear of seperation or divorce. Of course our kids both love him and the older two (13 and 15) are SO frustrated with him and his inability to prioritize their feelings or listen to them (so they tell me).

Many years and chaos have taken their toll.

I also have come to believe that he is a 'cerebral narcissist' - look that up! He is very learned - read the whole Bible many times over and the Koran too. He is a high school English teacher (mostly a disaster). He asked me to read the book 'The Road Less Travelled' by M. Scott Peck prior to us dating. He fooled me into believing he was emotionally aware and willing/capable to deal with deep and real issues. He is not. He enjoys pointing out others issues - mostly those in my family - and my issues, but in unwilling to look at his own. Yet, he behaves properly towards others - only abusive towards me and the kids. I get the brunt of it!

So, how soon shall I seperate? I have only believed in divorce for adultery and physical abuse. Problem is, isn't Jesus bothered by or 'hate' abuse, not just divorce? Isn't a Christian husband supposed to treat his wife like Christ treats the church? That is not pointed out, just my 'sinful' desire to end a abusive, enabling, advantage taking marriage that is profoundly screwing up my two oldest kids now! My 15 year old son started treating a girlfriend in abusive ways - like his dad!

Anyway......that is a lot. ADHD is only the beginning. My husband is 53 and seems incapable of changing this late in the game - I am 10 years younger and tired. Perhaps his ADHD issue helped create profound insecurity in his youth - he has created by his own choosing a holy disaster - terrible behavior and denial.

We will see!

Momma of Four.

Dear Ann Achiever,

I know your pain...I too, thought it was my "cross" until I discovered that it was never God's will for me to tolerate abuse in marriage....regardless of the reason.  I have a sister who stayed in a bad marriage for her children, and all it did was tear everyone apart.  Her son doesn't even speak to her anymore.  After I found this link, I discovered a freedom in knowing I was not expected to carry a burden that was never mine to carry.  https://cryingoutforjustice.com/our-theology/  Maybe it will help dry some of your tears.  It took me ten years to come out of a highly manipulative situation where I was duped into marriage, only to be abandoned on many levels; I could write a book, and actually have been asked to do so.  I stayed with mine due to the Stockholm syndrome.  Now, I'm caged no more.

I'm not looking for perfection, but I've put up with a husband who for a decade has not helped, supported or cared.  Now with children it's even worse.  I know my behavior is messed up, but I feel like I've been a single parent since our second child was born.  Why not just make it official and have some peace?  I know I'm not perfect, never have been, never will be, but I think at some point in your life you must take ownership of your behavior and move on.  My husband will not, so I'm moving on.  I know it will be tough and sometimes miserable, but my boys and I need peace.

sorry, It's been a bad week.  I'm not trying to create a nasty divorce and don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life.  I am reading the book "should I stay or go" about controlled separation.  I am really trying, but my frustration level is high b/c it seems like I'm the only one trying and he's doing nothing.

To AnnAchiever: Honestly, I can only pray my wife does the same. I have ADHD and have and to continue to do all I can to change my behaviors and be the best man I can be...yet, she feels I'm a monster and her behavior only stems from mind. I only wish she could also see positive ways for herself to grow as well. But, I think she's ready to leave and needs total validity for the divorce. I don't know. I'm beyond crushed right now and about to go to a counseling apt. with her and not knowing what to expect on her end.

Just about everything that I have read on this site has really hit home.  I think that my husband has adhd and a learning disability, he has never been diagnosed and the one time he went to a doctor he said he couldn't find anything wrong but said we could come back....for what I don't know. Anyway, we have been married for almost 7 years but it seems like 20 years.  We have a 4 year old daughter.  The least little thing she does sets him off, if she is running and playing in her own little world, he yells at her, if she sings to a song in the car, he has told her to be quiet and just listen.  I don't leave her alone with him at all and we rarely ride is the same car together.  Between he and I, things have gotten worse.  He will come home from work and spend hours on the computer, and on his day off he spends it entirely in our bedroom with the door shut only coming out to see if there is any food cooked.  I do everything, and when i try to hold a conversation with him about money matters or whatever...he just says do it!  I have  found myself lately nagging and resenting him.  What happened to partnership? What happened to saying to "i love you"?  His answer is we are married, why do i have to.  I could just scream.  Two days ago I finally told him about my unhappiness about things and he just looked at me; my last words to him were, I want a divorce.  I have truly had enough of everything.  My 4 year old doesn't give me as much frustration as my husband does.  Until we are able to separate, we don't speak and i have moved into my daughter's room.  I have distanced myself from him as much as possible and I'm preparing for my and my daughter's future!

And found out I was really in denial, as well as being co-dependent; what joy!  I don't believe anyone marries with the intention of getting divorced; I certainly did not after waiting over a decade to re-marry and in fact stating I never would again.  My ADHD husband is co-morbid with narcissism/psychopathy, and it took years to sort through the mire.  Thankfully, we did not have children.  I did everything I could in trying to save my marriage, including the denial part.  I couldn't do it anymore when I realized I was just living a lie, like the many I believed  he told me.  I decided that one of us needs to live in truth, so I stepped up.  Once that happens, you can't go back if you truly value who you are; that's how it was for me.

I can relate to how you feel, particularly the losing things and never having time to get the house straightened out. Some doors I just shut. Take care.

you should read "should I stay or should I go".  It's about controlled separation CS.  CS is NOT just someone moving out: it's an entire outline and contract to cover all things you may not be able to discuss.  I just bought the book a few days ago and am almost done.  The contract discusses: time frame, who is moving, dividing household good, child care and support, helping the spouse that stays in the home with minor repairs, when to call spouse and children, when to visit, setting up "date" nights at certain intervals with spouse to discuss things, dating others (didnt' really like that part) and anything else you can think to put in the contract.  They have a clause that during a CS, NO party will file for divorse so you don't have that hanging over you.  You can seek legal advice, but no papers filed until the end of the time frame.

It's actually an eye opener.  I gave the book to my ADHD husband and when he left the house last night he said "I'll take a look at it".  It's still sitting on the chair, but I plan on making up a contract.  I also gave him this website.  we'll see.  all we can do is try.

there is a very good chapter on how to help children deal with marital stresses, because they have picked up on it much earlier than we think. 

I am beginning to learn (slowly) that the reason nothing we were doing worked, was because what I was doing was trying to get my wife to do things the way I wanted so that I wouldn't get angry/frustrated.  I was trying to get my wife to change to meet my specifications.  I was identifying her actions as the problem.

The truth is, as Melissa says quite clearly, it's not really my wife's actions that are the problem, but rather, my response (anger, frustration, nagging, etc.) to her actions, and then HER response (anger, resentment, feeling belittled, etc.) to MY response.  We both share in a dynamic that is causing us both pain.

But I kept repeating over and over to my wife, in as many different ways I could think of - YOU NEED TO CHANGE!!!  I was trying to take control of the situation.  (Yes, I have a definitely tendency step in and take control when things aren't working.)

After many, many conversations, shouting matches, etc., my wife and I have gotten to the point where we agree we have a problem.  Our relationship is not what we would like it to be.  I think we both had to acknowledge that before we could begin doing anything to make it change. 

And towards that end, we have both spent some time trying to learn the effect our behaviors have on each other.  This is KEY.  It's not just about the effect my ADHD wife's behaviors have on me.  It's also equally important for me to realize the effect my responses have on her.

To do that, I have done a lot of reading on this blog.  I have also sought out books to help me understand the impact of my behaviors.  Unfortunately, there were none that I found particularly helpful.  Most books, even those written for the nonADD spouse, seem to be geared to understanding ADHD, which is definitely critical, don't get me wrong.  But they seemed to be more about what the ADHD person should do differently, and not much guidance about what the nonADHD person should do differently.  The books I was reading all seemed to be biased "against" the person with ADHD.  Even though the books might have indicated the ADHD behaviors are not really the person's "fault" - they still seemed to identify the person with ADHD as "the problem."  At least that is how my wife felt when reading them.  And as I saw her responding that way, I found myself responding that way also. 

For example, my wife and I attempted to read Married to Distraction together, and had to stop early on because she felt so bad when she read the descriptions of how the behaviors of the person who is distracted (always her) tend to have a negative impact on the relationship.  And because there were no counterexamples in the book of how the kinds of behaviors I exhibit have a negative impact on HER, she was feeling that any problems were all because of her.  (Please know I'm not saying that Married to Distraction is not a great book, just that at this point it is too painful for my wife.  I'm hoping that at some point we can return to it.)

But, luckily we got into some telephone counseling with Melissa, and she does a GREAT job making sure we both see the impact of our actions on the other.  And her book The ADHD Effect on Marriage, which we have just started reading together, also does a great job in demonstrating how each of us contributes to the situation, in a way that makes us both feel validated, but especially my wife.

As my wife is coming to see that my actions also contribute to our problems, and that I have to change perhaps as much as she does, she has begun to feel less to blame.  And the result is that she is better able to really see the impact her behaviors are having on me.  And because she really does not want to have that effect on me, she is much more able to join me in thinking up solutions.  Whereas before it was always me telling her what I think the solution should be, most often in terms of what she needed to do differently.

We still have a long, long way to go.  But we are actually at the point where we can begin to actually talk about things - for the first time, without her getting all defensive.  We can discuss our problems a little more calmly and address them together.

It used to feel to me like our most common interaction mode was fighting - mostly me screaming at her, sometimes her screaming at me.  This used to happen almost daily, sometimes several times a day.  Now, it hardly ever happens, and when one of us does start to yell, we are able to catch it pretty quickly so that it doesn't escalate into a tirade or a screaming match.

AND, we are starting to enjoy our together time more. 

Again, a long way to go.  But it definitely feels like we are in a much better place.  It feels much more like we are joining forces to work on our relationship together, rather than continuing to struggle against one another as we had in the past.

Thank you Melissa!  And thanks to everyone here who have given me food for thought in the last couple of months.

I am new to the blog, but after reading for the past two nights (alone of course) I have come to realise that there are many women out there who I could honestly say seemed to have lived my life.

I have been married for 32 years and have 3 grown up children who have all left home now, they were my life, because without them, I had nothing.  I raised those girls, as many others have said as a single mum.  I also tried to run a business with my husband, who I now know has had ADD/ADHD but not diagnosed.  My second child was diagnosed at 9 years with ADD - however at that time they offered no support assistance or medication, didnt even explain anything about. (20 years ago)

I was constantly making excuses for him, why he would not attend any of the childrens sporting activities or help with the children when they were little.' One of the children was sick one day at  school, and he had to go and pick her up, however he was unable to give them her full name and date of birth to pick her up - my daughter was so embarrassed.  To this day he still cannot remember his children's full names or even when their birthdays are.  He can only remember his own birthday.

Over the years, our financial situation was not good, due to his impulsivity and his inability to con

trol his urge to buy totally useless things, just because he thought he was getting a bargain.  Even today he is addicted to Ebay, which has proven to be dangerous, financially. His recreational hobby is one that is very expensive, and yes he has a credit card.  Most people who are involved in this recreation have maybe one or two pieces of equipment, but my husband , has 42 with many just lying around useless now, and he still wants more.  I have had the many arguments around this, over the years, and ask him to sell some before buying any more - but he cannot see this reasoning as he wants it now - of course promising to sell later - but I know better than that.

The same has happened with vehicles,- we have many that he has tired of, but always wants another - but never has time to get rid of the old ones, they just sit in the yard and rust away - to a point where they are worth nothing - but the yard and his shed look like a garbage dump - he is also a hoarder - he cannot even throw out garbage in his shed.

We would always be constantly late for every event, party or family gatherings (although family gatherings were not high on his priority list so often we would go alone), he would get so engrossed with his latest hobby, interest, friends etc that time meant nothing, even if I called him to remind him to be home by a certain time - he would always be very late often 3 hrs late - with no excuse other than he forgot the time, just got talking etc.etc.

He has always priortised his life, or current interest over me and his children, which for the children has been very sad and disappointing, I tried to get him to a family photo day , it was the only time my immediate family had been all together (due to distance) for many years , but my husband chose his hobby and club day over this event ( it was only for 2 hrs)  - we still got the photos - but he will not be in any and the girls will remember that day very well, as now they are grown up and do not understand why their father has been so disinterested in them and  their lives, and their mother.

I feel my life has been lost in all this, we only go to his friends events, I too feel as if I have lost my life, I have put all my hopes and dreams on hold for 32 years, in an effort to keep my marriage together for the children.

He will just go away whenever he chooses, with a group of friends from his club, and I will only know about when he driving out the gate, he will be gone days, if I'm lucky I may get a phone call.

I have been so busy looking after the children, the business and also a full time e job, that it seems I only exist to clean up the mess - while I have been lucky that we do have a small business in which, my husband seems to be able to cope with, it is driving a truck. That is all he does, when he comes home, he is either down his shed with his hobby or going out most nights not getting home until after midnight, then leaving at 5am next morning.  He does not help with anything around the house, or even mowing or cleaning gutters I have to do everything.  We have unfinished projects that have been sitting unfinished for 15 years now,  new guttering that he said he could do, has been sitting in back yard for 1 year,  driveway pipes to be installed  - now there for 18 years, unfinished shed 25 years - I could go on and on ,but Im sure everyone knows where Im coming from -  I would love to pay someone, however not much money left- I work full time to pay the bills.  I have been waiting 6 months now for a tap washer to be installed in my washing machine tap, I have to put a bucket under it as it leaks constantly -  I get into trouble if I say Im going to get someone to fix for me - just more arguments. - then I get accused of being a nag.

He often puts his hand up at his club to volunteer his time, on committees as well - so as you can imagine he is rarely home, he also has a learning disability - so when these duties involve anything to do with writing or reading, I have to do all this for him as well -  even though I have told him not to do these roles as I do not have enough time - he cannot ever see my point of view - he just expects it.

You might say, why I have put up with this for so long,  being blamed for everything that goes wrong in his life, every money problem or anything he cannot explain I have always been to blame,  also the short temper, very impatient (not good with the kids, they learned to steer clear of him mostly), and most of all what I found most difficult was his inability to listen and take in anything that was being said to him -  he always blamed me again for not telling him things.  To this day, he still struggles with how to operate anything in the house, TV, DVD, washing machine - I have tried to show him, but after 32 years, and with the same excuses over and over that ï dont know how to do it or put it on, you'll have to do it"  I suppose you can say that I give in and have done everything for him - you can only show people so many times before it is just easier to do it yourself.

But in doing that, I am now a very tired, sad, lonely and sometimes very angry person.  It was only just recently that I read a book on ADHD and the Syndrome Mix by Dr Attwood -  I  read the book as I needed to for my full time work in child protection.  I cried and cried, as it explained everything that my husband was like, I was feeling very overwhelmed that day - Feelings of anger because I had not sought some help before now, just thought it was how life was supposed to be for me , then anger at losing my life and that it wasnt all my fault at all - although possibly have contributed to my husbands behaviours by my reactions to his over the years.

This made me start to feel guilty, that it wasnt his fault the way he was, it was ADD/ADHD and he couldnt help it.  But I needed to  broach the subject with him, now that I was nearly certain (without a proper assessment) that he had ADD from birth - Even now I think that his mother has it.

I did bring the subject up, after one of his weekends away, It was probably not a good time, as I was very emotional, with many emotions running through me.

I lost control a bit, was sobbing, then I started to say how unhappy I had been for many years, felt unloved, ignored and that I had supported him to do everything he had ever wanted, sacrificing my own life and interests and sometimes the childrens as there was no money left -  He told me I was crazy, and that I should go to the room and settle down - to which I lost control and got angry then,  as he was in total denial.

I couldnt even get him to read the book, or articles, as he has difficulty with reading and comprehending -  I felt hopelessly lost and said to him that I wasnt sure If I wanted to be with him any longer.  If he didnt go and seek a proper assessment, that I could not go on any longer, I needed to regain my life back - make some friends, spend some time pampering myself .  My husband had no problem with me doing my own thing, he said just go and do, but he fails to realise that we both cannot do it, he spends all the money on himself and his leisure, there is not enough for both of us to lead separate lives and still be together.

This thought scared me more -  going out there alone in the world -  I only have about 15 years before I want to retire, and I had always planned to do that with someone and perhaps travel a bit - but the thought of doing that alone is a very scary concept.  I am feeling like I have wasted my whole life now, if not for the children, I would be very very alone and sad.

I have been just going to the motions in the last 2 weeks, working full time, doing all the work around the home etc, pondering on my big decision.  My husband surprised me two days ago, when he said he went to the GP and got a referral to see a Psychiatrist -  I am very happy that he actually made some progress towards thinking that maybe something was wrong, - although I know there was some motivation when I said that we would have to sell the business and home to split everything up - he knew I was serious, he also knows he cannot run the business without me doing all the bookwork, and he could not afford to pay me out.

He has not made the appointment yet, but Im a little apprehensive, that the Psychiatrist may not specialise in Adult ADD/ADHD - as the GP he saw knew nothing about it.  I am living in fear that when he goes, he will not be truthful, as he cannot see how he is most of the time, it is normal to him to be the way he is, he also minimizes most of his behaviours.  He will only admit to have a bad memory and being unable to read or comprehend very well, he may admit to be being easily distracted at times (which is an gross understatement).  Mostly, he has a quite inflated view of himself and it is the people around him who are at fault.  That is my fear, that he comes back and says that he is fine, nothing wrong with him - it must be just me -  What do I do then?

I cannot continue the way it has been, so I can only think positive that this Psychiatrist, does know something about adult ADD and can support us both, I think to get an accurate assessment of adults with ADD, that doctors should get some feedback from spouses or even their children, those that have lived with them for past 35 years.  I want to make our marriage work, but I feel like I have been trying for 32 years, a bit one sided though. And now the thought of keeping on trying, where my husband is only just beginning is a very frustrating and daunting task for me and I am very tired and feel like I have suffered 32 years of emotional abuse.  and Yes I do feel a little angry, but I have to get over that if I want to save my marriage.

I know I am not alone, there are many women out there who have suffered and gone through much more than I.

Hi kjprimrose,

You are not wrong. That it is exactly how is it feel. My husband just read your comment and he read it to me. I sent him some links from this website a month or more ago, but he just read yesterday when I left alone for New Year celebration. I got home and it was obvious he was crying reading all of this comments and he mentioned that he sent also a comment to a person who also was alone for the first time for New Years Eve.

Your feelings are 100% valid and real. It is sad but the spouse get lost in this huge ocean of non-sense after so many years trying to discovered what's going on with our ADD's spouses. 

In my case I had to deal with emotional infidelity, limerence, pornography addiction, anger, financial problems, work problem related (holding jobs for no more than 6 to one year), debts, lack of common sense and all the list that ADDer and their spouses have wrote in this blog. He affirmed that he doesn't do the following with the purpose to hurt me:

1. fall in love with other women,

2. He wrote love letters to a beautiful young women from a foreign country, bring home a video with her and refused to throw it away when I discovered, (I begged him with tears in my eyes to disappear it)

3. He refused to go for a walk with me with and our girls during Christmas vacation, but he spend hours in the computer in facebook and sending  e-mail to a student of him who knows about our marital problems,

4. He kisses an ex-girl friend after calling her several times (before and after the kiss) and visit the airport where he used to meet her every time she visit the city (she was a flight attendant). I remember asking him, please don't call her.

5. He gives shoulder massages to a friend of mine that he knows she is complaining about her husband who doesn't touch her,

6. He easily find out about the live of woman who are divorced or are physical attractive (or some kind of attraction for him),

7. He use to visit a neighbor to talk about pornography literature, 

I have to see him acting like in trance every time a woman catches his attention, and it is just painful. All the attention I feel I need and he doesn't give me he gives to other women with joy and enthusiasm. And I have to witness that from the very beginning of our marriage (18 year from now).

So, we all can imagine the reaction after the accumulation of this events and facts.

Have you heard the Mel Gibson's anger recording? That's the color of our arguments and our two daughters are witness of that. They are smart and are deeply affected for all of these to the point to express their desire of our divorce, knowing of course that is not what they really want. Last week I received a call from school, an ex-coworker and friend of mine called me to let me know Sofia wasn't feeling good that they and she started crying because we are going to divorce, she said (My daughter): "My parents are going to divorce and it is something iI would like to happen, but now that I know it is going to happen I don't want to happen". That same morning I was driving to visit a friend of mine and I started crying for not a specific reason ( I usually cry a lot when I am driving to work or at night) and then when I arrived to my friend's home I received the call.

The only think I can say is, it is really sad the whole thing is incredibly sad.

Nova1986.

Kjprimrose

just read this and I really like how you sum it up for us non-ADHD spouses. I couldn't agree with you more!...I'm wondering if you have found the answer to the question 'well now what?' and if so please share. 

I'm am so touched after reading this... I am the non-ADD partner in the relationship and I just wish that my partner was as open and honest about his disorder as you are here.

It sounds like you're on the right track getting help and medicine... I guess, just remember that you can only do your best... whatever YOUR best may be. And like Melissa says, don't try harder, try differently. Find what works for you.

I really hope that with all the help and medicine things start to look a little more positive for you and that your wife decides to try along side you. If not though, stay strong! You have to be with a partner that understands your disorder and is willing to work with it not against it. 

Stay strong on your new journey of healing and wellness!

Your post truly was heart warming...

Best wishes. :)

for your insight, I'm sure it's NOT always easy living with us non-ADDrs.  It sounds like your spouse is purposefully aggravating you which I think is HORRIBLE!!!  If my ADD husband would ADMIT he had a problem and told me "this bothers me or this helps me" I certainly wouldn't do something against his wishes.  I feel bad for you.  you need to be FIRM with your husband if he is doing things that are making your ADD harder to deal with.  It's a struggle enough as it is!!

I don't think anyone on this site would say having ADD is a bad thing, or it makes you a bad person, you are just handling it better than most of our spouses.  Some of us can't get our spouses to get help or medication. 

I gave this list to my 11 year old son with severe ADHD and told him lots of famous folks had it:  Galileo, Leonard Da Vinci, Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, JFK and Walt Disney to name a few.

Where the heck would the world be without those folks???

keep you head up, tell your husband to STOP if it's upsetting you.

Now there's an area that needs discussion from the crowd: the ADHD heightened sensitivity to physical stimuli and other dyspraxic sensory integration overlaps!

Very well said..very well.

It seems from what you're saying that it's already enough.  Is there any reason to stay?  This looks like abuse to me (although I'm not an expert). 

Let me ask you a question...what difference does it make if he really loves you? If you could hook him up to a lie detector and ask him, and the answer you got was "yes" what would it change? Would it help you to know this so you could better endure the emotional and verbal abuse?

I only ask because I used to be this way too. Although my husband was kind and passive 90% of the time, the other 10% where he was exactly like you describe (controlling, blaming everything on me, he only stayed because I don't work, throwing everything in my face that I had ever trusted him with) made the other 90% irrelevant. Oh yeah, he 'loved me' and showed it by going out drinking, lying, spending money we didn't have, and generally making me feel like I was a horrible person...how could anyone stand me!?? NOTHING made him more furious than for me to tell him I wanted him to leave.

A counselor I went to right after we reconciled (my husband hated him so we switched) told me "love isn't a feeling..it isn't something that only exsists when it feels good, when things are going good, it is a conscious, 24/7 way of thinking about someone. You avoid hurting them at all costs. You make each and every decision based on what is best for them." Honest to God it was the hardest thing I had ever had to hear...but I knew it was true.

Him hiding his counseling and meds from you screams of 'pride' to me. I think there is hope for him, but until you set some real boundaries (such as REFUSING to give up counseling for yourself!!!) and hold his feet to the fire for full disclosure and conseling for both of you, nothing is going to change. You have the power within you to start the changes....I pray you can find the courage. He is doing what works for him..manipulating your emotions, controlling your outside influences, and he has you right where HE is comfortable...what motivation does he have to change?

Hey I P O mine and he left saying he was staying @ his 34 ft. camper tonight.....LOL I hope he enjoys his night, because I will. There will be no complaining about me falling asleep with the TV on and not sleeping with him. Heck I think I will go next door and join there party. :)

See I had a very stressful day...My nephew (which is like my only child 26 yrs) and I have been having issues  since he has a  new "who$e" . I say new because , the baby's mama is , but a credit to this one. He meet he one night and has stayed all night with her ever since, lied about different things, not been reasonable with his baby ( 22month old)...did not even keep him Christmas, etc. Well I loaned him a car to drive 8 months ago, have kept his baby more than him and it's mama combined, was trying to help him buy a home and a friend was helping him get a better job. The baby's mama wrecked the car a few years ago and would not pay to fix it...example of a person values in my view..today I found out that he was letting this new one drive the car. I'd had enough!!!! I go and get the car, naturally my hubby has his un ask for advice, which I really don't need...I'm upset enough. I try say to him I've bee though enough today can we change the subject...nope, he then wants to criticizes me...that all I have said was just my opinion...I leave for the market, he stops me and wants to know I will be fixing him his lunch for work...WOW!

I return home wanting to talk about anything except my nephew...so I say to him , did you work out after work ?(h) no,(m) what did you do ? I have been here since you left...no I mean after work? I stopped at he camper and cleaned the litter box...ok, what else have you been doing since work...angrily he told me not to ask questions and I said I've had enough of the camper. I said why am I even here  you spend more time there than home with me.( He arrives at the camper 1 and half hour before work every day he works and stops by there after work for at least 30 min's and up to an hour..the camper is 5 min's from his job max.) He said in an hateful tone "I'm going to do what I want no matter what you think ' as he reaches for a piece of chicken I just brought home. LOL I said then don't eat my chicken LOL. He puts it back and starts his exit...I say nothing I've had enough for today.

How are things going? I was wondering about you...

For me, him refusing help would be a deal breaker. It is one thing to know you have it and work at making things better. It is another to have it and do nothing. Things will never change if he doesn't get help...and you either have to be willing to accept things as they are or you have to 'motivate' him to change. When it meant either he get help or our marriage was over, my husband got help. This is one of the biggest issues (getting ADDer to admit there is a problem and get PROPER treatment)...and you also have to be willing to do a lot of hard work as well...like putting the past in the past and moving forward.

I feel your pain!  Your story is not unfamiliar to any women married to a man with ADHD. I also have two children.  My oldest daughter feels sorry for him and my son is angry with him.  I have had financial issues because my ADHD husband has issues with finding steady employment and the conversations are so destructive, we can't talk anymore.  I am forced to "deal with the issues" with almost no support from him.  I am so upset tonight that I logged in to find someone I could relate to.  I'm so sorry for you.  You are in for a long trip...I've read the ADHD Marriage book and can relate to every word.  Only problem, he won't stay focused enough to read it so we can work on our relationship.  This is a painful life I must admit.

Ann

Hello Nate! I am a woman diagnosed with ADD. I don't live exactly your life but all the feelings you are describing, you are not alone. I feel the exact same way. The no self-esteem, the snapping toward your loved one, etc.

My answer to your question is: YES! YES YOU CAN. AND YOU WILL!

Remember that our ADD "devil" in our brain is a mean little guy. He's very neglectful. This means that the plans, dreams and wishes that you have that are a bit further away are hard for you to feel driven by. But that feeling does not equal that it is impossible. It's just one of those things that makes us ADD and "normal" people non-ADD.

You have gotten your diagnoses and just started medicating. Keep an open mind to the dosage, as you've always been without stimulants a low dose will be noticeable but you might still need to higher the dosage. So keep your mind open and check for signs. I feel an improvement with my medication at 25mgx2/day but a total of 50mgx2/day is what I really need.
Your other diagnose also has to be properly medicated simultaneously for you to get the ultimate effect. This is your goal right now.

I always see it as taking the time to find the hidden keys to open the back doors with my true potential. Knowing behind which door you're storing your potential and actually having access to go in and use the potential are two different things, no doubt.

With your ADD comes a lot of great things as well, having your own business is very much possible for you. Even with medication the impulsiveness and other tiny little things don't go away completely instead they come in smaller, controllable doses. They are great tools in life.

As long as you don't keep your wife in the shadows with anything your marriage can get through this and life will be great. It's hard to have children, especially when they're so small. You guys have just gotten out of the baby stage with no sleep and other yummy goodies. My point with this will come after I give an example from my life:
I function great in life and half of that is because I accept my limitations. Finances like you express is one of those limitations for me and maybe for you too. What I did was tell my husband straight up from when we put our economies together that I can't do this. I told him that I will happily contribute the way I can (work), I will acknowledge that we have an economy (listen to what the bills say, respect the bills by thinking about water/gas/electric/phone etc use) and I will take time and put an effort into solving and discussion problems, also decisions about bigger buys. In my case I also asked the favor of my husband to always go through my credit card bill that will come printed once a month, if I'd get out of hand TELL ME. But he has to take the main responsibility, make sure bills are paid on time, taxes, savings, calculations etc.

By openly telling my husband about this limitation all I got in return was "Alright I'll do that". No fighting. No anxiety. No panic. No fighting over missed bills, over spending money etc.. It was so painless to just admit "defeat". In exchange for this of course I take more responsibility in areas where my husband struggles but will not put us on the street if my ADD gets in the way. I doubt that your wife would mind you asking her for help, it would probably just make her happy and give her hope to hear that you are aware of the limitation and that she knows it is okay for her to fully take over on that part. Then even that out by covering a part you are better at, that perhaps your wife doesn't enjoy doing, doesn't know how to or just would appreciate (more time alone in the house, laundry, dinner, fixing the car.. whatever it could be!).

And remember that all marriages have ups and downs. LIFE for EVERYONE has ups and downs. If you didn't have ADD then it's not like your marriage would have been all gold and roses with laughter and wealth. At times it wouldn't have been far from what it is right now.. you guys just wouldn't have had anything to blame it on.
 

Actually - more than one. You knew something was wrong, you looked into it, you are working on it. So let me say OF COURSE it is possible to have ADD and be successful.

Medications are wonderful, you might want to look into therapy as well for the behavior part of it. It might take some convincing, but maybe you could have your wife go too, at least to a couple of sessions, so she can see what you are dealing with and how you are dealing with it. She may be able to help with some of the things to make life easier for you, like helping you keep a calendar, to-do-lists, setting up bill payments.

ADD does not make you a bad person, but the behavior caused by ADD is what gets tiring for people who live with you. Friends and coworkers don't get the 24/7 that your wife does. My husband and I have been together about the same amount of time as your wife. I have tried to get him to look into helping himself. He has finally agreed because I told him I was done, I wasn't sure I loved him anymore, really don't like him very much. As the non-ADD spouse sometimes the constant talking, inability to listen without interrupting, forgetting what I say two minutes after I have said it, makes me think HE doesn't love me. Because if he did he wouldn't interrupt me. He would listen to me, too, not just ask how my day was so he can launch into a 15 minute story that makes little sense to me about how his day is. Your wife may be feeling these things too.

You may do great things, be great with the kids, but if she feels dismissed she may feel uncared for. And the inability to just relax, that is HUGE too. My husband does a lot of sports stuff to get out his energy, which is good, but he still can't be calm and relaxed when he has downtime. Sometimes it feels like he is a helicopter, churning around me, because he can't sit still but he can't do anything else either. He's somewhere between. And that can be physically tiring to someone without ADD. So give it some time, but just being able to sit on the couch with her is a BIG DEAL.

Pin some pictures of Costa Rica somewhere for you to see them. Put pictures of you, your wife and kids with them. Doesn't that look nice? You can do it, and you have already started. Best of luck to you!

Yes, I think you can be successful, but you have to be realistic and face any issue you have to work to fix. The battle is real and you have to fight without rest. Find all the doctors/specialist you need to solve the problems beside the ADD (addictions, limerence, angry, violence, etc) you can even find spiritual support. Every weapon you can find to fight this battle will be useful. Good luck for you, your wife and your little ones.

Nate, 

It was great to read your post, because it sounds like we are living in parallel in many ways (for example, I met my wife working in Venezuela, and I often dreamed of living and working there again.)

I would encourage you to not give up your legitimate dreams. And by legitimate, I mean dreams that you really want to see happen, as opposed to dreams that you might wish for in the hopes that they will magically make your pain disappear. I, too, have gone through the cycle of feeling I am useless, simply a source of pain or worry for those who love me. I have also gone the route of self-medicating as my life seemed to get more and more complex, and all those things have certainly gotten in the way of my real dreams. 

But as you gain a better understanding of ADD and its significance in your life, you will find ways to work with it, deal with it, even find it an advantage. Many ADDers are very humble because they know their shortcomings. Many are extremely creative because their "filters" are set on Low and they are sensitive to a lot of external stimuli. Others become very dedicated and impassioned leaders because they feel drawn to worthy causes that provide the extra stimulus they need to stay focused on them.

It is encouraging to finally understand how others may fell, isn't it? The same thing happened in our marriage: a few good years at first, but then a creeping insecurity as my wife began to wonder why things aren't going better, and I begin to wonder why she's not being very supportive of me. Then the nagging, and me not understanding why the nagging. This gets punishing to my self esteem, so I start trying to avoid the conflicts, which makes me seem secretive. Bad habits form, and her trust for me gets less and less. 

But the joy of accepting the diagnosis is that it leads to the opportunity for real self-honesty. And with this honesty comes the chance to strip away the little lies you tell yourself to try to make sense of the fact that you may feel one way about yourself while others around you feel completely differently. This, by the way, was for me what really got to my self-confidence. Bosses didn't seem to have any confidence in me, and I could never get why my work wasn't good enough. 

One great thing has come of this recently, and that is the realization that there is a reason for my wife's feelings and behavior, which has led me to change my own. Our fights were "knock down drag outs" as well, with terrible words exchanged, and in two languages, no less! But as I begin to understand what my accumulated behaviors over the years have done to her, I find a starting point to understand how I can  improve myself so that I never cause that kind of hurt again. And that includes hurting myself with feelings of unworthiness, of feeling stupid, or strange, or useless, or as I most often call it, "broken stuff." 

So, absolutely, you can be successful, you can be good. You can be loved! But fair warning, it's a long process, just as any worthwhile journey is. Try to avoid the trap of thinking this is something that can be "fixed" quickly, once and for all. There is some research showing that ADDers are susceptible to addiction as well, and I've found that the 12 steps of AA are actually somewhat helpful in dealing with ADD, in particular with the self-perspective recovery.

Hang in there, Nate! God bless you!  

It's a chemical thing - WebMD states: "Stimulants are an effective way of managing ADHD symptoms such as short attention span, impulsive behavior, and hyperactivity. They may be used alone or in combination with behavior therapy.

These drugs improve ADHD symptoms in about 70% of adults and 70% to 80% of children shortly after starting treatment. Improvements include reduced interrupting, fidgeting, and other hyperactive symptoms as well as improved task completion and home relationships.

For someone with ADHD, stimulants regulate impulsive behavior and improve attention span and focus by increasing the levels of certain chemicals in the brain, such as epinephrine and norepinephrine, which help transmit signals between nerves.

Improvements in behavior and attention span usually continue as long as the medication is taken, although benefits in social adjustment and school performance have not yet been shown to endure over the long term.

These medications are not considered to be habit-forming when used to treat ADHD in children and adolescents, and there is no evidence that their use leads to drug abuse. Nonetheless, there is a potential for abuse and addiction with any stimulant medication, especially if a person has a history of substance abuse."

And from about.com: "This is what occurs: Neurotransmitters are produced within a neuron. The neuron releases the neurotransmitter and it travels into the synapse space. The neurotransmitter may then be accepted by the next neuron attaching at a site called a receptor, thereby transmitting information from one nerve cell to another throughout the brain.

In order for these pathways to work effectively so that the message gets through, the neuron must produce and release enough of the neurotransmitter. In addition, the neurotransmitter must also stay in the synapse space long enough for it to bind with the receptor site.

After the neurotransmitter is released the excess or unused portion is then recaptured or reabsorbed by the original neuron that produced it. What sometimes seems to happen in individuals with ADHD is the neurotransmitter is prematurely reabsorbed back into neuron. When this occurs that portion of the neural network cannot relay messages in an adequate and timely way.

What stimulants seem to do is stimulate and increase the release of certain neurotransmitters, most notably dopamine and norepinephrine, and block or slow up how much of these chemicals are being reabsorbed back into the neuron from which they were released. As a result, more of the neurotransmitter is held in the synapse space between neurons long enough for it to properly bind to the receptor, thus messages within the brain are more effectively transmitted and received."

Sorry it's long, but hope it explains a little....

It is my understanding that the frontal lobe of the brain in an ADHDer is suspected to be slower functioning, thus the chaos and lack of focus and attention. The stimulants speed things up and cause a more 'normal' functioning of the frontal lobe. This is a very "for dummies" way of putting it, but it is the best way I understand it. It also has to do with neurotransmitters (as posted by sullygirl)..as they help the 'communication' in the brain..carry messages, info, thoughts, emotions, etc. between synapses. When there is a low level of these neurotransmitters, everything moves slower.

Matt,

I just found out about the ADD thing a couple of weeks ago.  It really rocked my world.  Yet it made so much sense.  I was not in the camp that said drugs are not for me.  I want to start feeling better about myself asap.  In fact the drug I am on right now feels like the drug that I have been searching for my whole life, and I have tried more than a few.  All my life I have always felt tense, anxious or just nervous.  It is not like I am afraid of things it is just a feeling that I have had like not being able to relax.  Also the voice in my head is constantly going at about 90 mph.  Its not telling me to eat the dog but rather just  "did I do this or that and if I dont do that this could happen and blah blah blah.  Anyway at night the way that I have relaxed is through drinking watching tv.  My mind is so exhausted that it needs a break.  Also I never just want to go to sleep because I want the time to unwind so I stay up late and drink by myself. 

Anyway, I am not on Vyvanse which is a stimulant.  Apparently it produces dopamine and seratonin which take away the  anxiety and help me relax.  I had to play with the dosage level for about a week to find my "sweet spot" as the doctor put it but now that I have found it things have been much better.  The other night I turned off the lights and tv and just sat on the couch for an hour and it was as calm as I have ever felt.  This is the fifth night that I have been on the meds at the right level and still no urge to drink.  I have been sleeping much better as well.

Today I saw my doctor for the second time and he is going to put me on a medicine called INTUNIV.  He told me this drug is known to work wonders on the self loathing and the sensitivity issues that I have.  He says that it works on ADDers 70 percent of the time.  Anyway, he has me feeling pretty upbeat solely on how good I feel on the first medicine of Vyvanse.  So now tommorow when I mix the two could be the start of something even more amazing.  He said that when it works that ADDers report that they "feel comfortable inside their own skin for the first time in their life."  I don't know about you but for me that  made a lot of sense and it would be fantastic.

Let me know if you have any more questions. 

I am really sorry to read about your story. Definitively it is hope hope. I think it is important for your own peace of mine to try a different strategy that maybe you (you and your husband) haven't try before. So at the end if you get divorce you don't stay with doubts about you didn't try EVERYTHING possible. My physician recommended me in August 2009 to try a marriage seminar (I was very depress for founding a love letter my husband was preparing to send to a beautiful 25 years old lady in Rotterdam). (Links not permitted and removed by editor.) It consist of a very intense weekend where you learn different communication skills (even if you never scream to each other, of use bad language to express yourself). It's more about learning how to recognize and express feelings, recognize our masks, your fears and your frame of reference. It teaches the way to understand your partner feelings, not to agree or disagree about issues but to understand why X person feel in a way or another. For me it was a whole complete discovery of my own feelings and use of the right words to express my emotions and feelings. After the weekend you must attend around 6 Saturdays of 3 hour each of follow up sessions where the couple is exposed in details about specific marriage issues. I must say in the seminar you are not obligated to express anything about your relationship, your self of your problems. In the matter of fact they ask you to don't make any conversation with other attendees and concentrate any communication only with your partner. Of course during meal time you talk with others but not really much because you really don't have much time to say anything. Your mind during the weekend is processing  and pondering all this new information, so you really don't have the need to talk with anybody. Counseling it's also good, the issue with counseling is a very slow process, and sometimes is difficult if not impossible to find the right counselor for both of you. You can probably ask your husband's psychiatrist  for a referral of psychologist/counselor who specialize in ADD couples. It is also good if you find a counselor for yourself. Good luck, you are not alone.

Best wishes, Nova

I know all too well how you feel.  I am currently experiencing the same thing.  I am dying to find a support group in my area or just someone to talk to, I feel sadness, loneliness, resentment, and most of all anger and I know its not fair to my young daughter that I get so exhausted from those feelings and the arguments that it takes away my energy for her.  I have no idea how to explain why daddy treats her like a military soldier, I finally had enough and told him to leave her alone...now he stays in our bedroom on his days off.  Today's argument left me identifying the symptoms of adhd in my mind allowing me to stop what i was trying to relay to him and walk away, but also left me asking myself if i want to continue living this way and my answer is no I don't.  Don't get me wrong, I love him and he does work hard for our family 5 days a week but I can't shake the feeling that if i'm running the household, paying the bills, worrying about our financial future, raising, teaching, disciplining our daughter....why are we living together?   Today's argument was over something simple as not spending money we don't have on an ipad.  While it's a nice piece of technology, I want a secure financial future.  I told him that after 7 years of marriage and this is where we are, we need time apart.  Although he hasn't been diagnosed (he has went to a couple of doctors but said nothing was wrong), I understand that there is something wrong but I just can't handle it anymore and be the mother i need to be for my daughter.  I have waved the white flag and I am surrendering!  I hope you have luck finding someone to talk to, maybe it will take some of that heaviness out of your heart to do what you need to do in order to be happy.

Thank you for helping me understand a little more. Remind you i love my husband with all my heart and i support him and love him everyday like there is not going to be a tomorrow, because you never know what will happened. Why does he always think that i am out for him and always looking to find something to fight about? Why does he never tell me things and thinks he has to hid stuff from me all the time? like things that he may be going to go do with a friend or something for his family. I tell him everything because he is my best friend but he cant do the same with me he lies why? Why when i try and talk to him about how i am feeling he get so angry with me and yells and says bad words at me? He can never just talk to me and be confounding to me, and that makes me feel like he hates me and wants nothing to do with me. why is it when he wants to do something and i am not really up for it he gets mad at me. its like if he doesn't get what he wants he get so mad at me? He always want to buy something for himself, he always has to have the top of the line stuff and at the time we just bought a house and saving for our real wedding  and he doesn't get the whole saving thing in life. i don't ever buy anything for myself or he never things of me to by me anything. It seem like its all about him all of the time and if something doesn't go his way i am the bad person!! I do everything for him and run myself in the ground for him because i care for him and want to take care of him and if i say something wrong or look at him wrong its like all the good and everything i do for him goes right out the window and i am the bad person, it is so fluctuating and makes me feel like a fuck up because i cant make him happy. Do you thing he would ever cheat on me? would u ever cheat on your wife? I just feel so lost and sad sometimes i don't know what to do because i have no one to talk too!!

I love my wife with all my heart, but I seem so unpredictable to her that it rocks her world in the wrong way. I DO NOT ignore her on purpose.

I do not lie to my wife to deceive her, but to hide my own shortcomings from myself. The stronger I fight to defend myself, the stronger the pain I've caused myself with my fears of having let her down.
 

I don't need to be entertained by my wife, I just need to feel that she likes me, accepts me, wants me, has enough confidence to know that I love her no matter the challenges that my oddly wired brain presents me.

You may be misreading him through the filter of your own insecurities and frustrations with him. He is most likely misreading your insecurities and frustrations with him through the filter of a lifetime of not exactly getting a clear message from anything or anyone ever. If this is sincerely the case, then the two of you must learn to accept these difficulties and empathize with one another. And if the two of you can keep resentments and absolutes out of your relationship - that is, don't expect that your strangely wired companion is going to do things like everyone else in the world and that's the only acceptable way it can be - then you may find ways to communicate, show your love and support for one another in many ways, some traditional, some not so.

Wow..just had one of those WOW moments...all of this brought me to tears. Thank you!! I wish you all the luck in the world with your marriage.

Well I am the one with ADHD and I can tell you I am much happier after my divorce. My ex husband is still a grouch though.

I did not read your wife's post. But I hope my reply will give you some perspective. I know this is a very hard time for you. You are not crazy. Think of ADD as a blindness of perspective. Imagine what a truly blind person lacks in abilities, yet nobody critiques that individual for not seeing. Mental health is often such a mysterious force, even more so in the individual who has it. There are a million subconscious self-preservations mechanisms going on in our heads, that by the time we get to the age we do, it is so efficient in viewing ourselves in a way that is hard to see objectively, from someone else's point of view. I'm happy you've had an epiphany. Write it down as you have. Print it, post it on neon paper, hang it in the house. in the house. Make it haunt you if you will allow, rather than feel the feeling and then return to a state of "everything's fine" when the emotional high dies and other work and life responsibilities make it all too easy to ignore it again, like you've probably done your wife. Write an item in your calendar to read it once a week. You may still end up letting it be part of your "environment"

  You have some tough choices to make. What stands out in your posting is that this has come as a shock. As an ADD partner myself, I've had this shock recently as well. I've heard so many times from my non-ADD partner how much my symptoms are tearing him up, turning him into a monster, making him frustrated, angry. I call it the earthquake syndrome. It seems as though he would bottle up the emotions, and let it rip when there would be something I did to set it off. All I heard in these times were blame, accusations. Because we don't make the connection between what we perceive and how it actually affects our partner, we dismiss the other as crazy, and discredit what they say.

I recommend starting to personally acknowledge and validate her feelings. Take responsibility for having the most control over the spark that starts the fire, but understand that it is not your "fault". There are criminals that plead insanity. I sympathize for those that did not have the mental capability to understand their actions, know exactly all the ways in which what they were doing is wrong, how their actions affect the victims of the crime or have not been equipped with the life experiences or abilities to differentiate and decide that the action was wrong and therefore prevent it from occurring. Though different, I think it can shed some light on how we with ADD view our actions, versus how our loved ones view our actions.

Read a book like Ms. Orlov's The ADHD Effect on marriage. Read each part about how it affects the non-ADHD partner. Try as hard as you can to be objective about yourself. Copy a quote, and then write a paragraph letter to her explaining how you see how she felt like this. In person, emotions get flared. A letter can be read at any time when she will be able to "receive" it. The more that you acknowledge and validate that she has ALSO not gone crazy, the more it will help you "get outside" your head, which I know is difficult and hard to see ourselves in the "bad guy" light, and let her know that she has the right to feel the way she feels. Read old love letters and recognize that you also weren't crazy when you wrote those as well. Both are real. As much as those thoughts feel distant, and if you remind her of things she might have said during the better days, recognize that it she still feels that way about the real you, not the demon (like in the movie The Exorcist) that has taken control and rendered you helpless.

I did not "hear" my partner, because he yelled at me to communicate, instead of rational, disarmed conversation in the manner in which I was raised. Think of her past attempts to inform you of your ways as having spoke to you in a foreign language. Tell her that you knew she was speaking but that you can't you possibly make sense of a language you don't know.For us with ADD, it's often too little too late, but it is helpful that you are feeling that feeling and growing as a person, stretching your mind to the objective reality of the world, and not just what our own perspective is. (I had to get fired for the first time, see my relationship get a little physical, move out, and actually hear "multiple sources (parents, mentors, bosses, partner) say the same things, without it being possible that they were all conspiring against me that "I" was the variable in the equation, not them. It reaches a critical level, which it sounds like you have reached. I have not mastered the ability to instantly summon an out-of-body/out-of-mind experience to always catch  myself, but it is a start.

I wish you the best. I am not expert on ADHD, and I'm still new to this whole world. I know that she married you and I can assume she loves you in the deepest parts of her heart that have been so submerged by daily events as to be undetectable in the light, like a submarine. ALL humans respond to immediate stresses and factors and use emotions to guide actions, not always deep resolve. We with ADD live in the now and can't see or plan the future, or only look far back into our past when we get emotionally stirred (or at least I'll speak for myself). Non-ADHD can't be expected to be blind to their daily emotions and frustrations and pain. Imagine  if you were tortured, or imprisoned or subjected to daily physical beatings (an Oprah-like story or something). We would all instruct that person to find the strength to get out. This is the advice your wife is taking. But it doesn't need to be so. Do your work. Save your marriage, or at least don't sign the papers until you see things clearly and understanding that maybe YOU and her weren't meant to be, NOT your mental puppeteer demons (the ADHD that has dominated, directed and blinded you). Hyperfocus to improve. Hang in there. Take the "life is a journey" attitude. No one perfects it.

I know how you feel. ((HUGS)) hang in there!

You guys sound so great, having realised that us wives are not 'shrews' but just trying to cope. My life is not exactly orderly and tranquil without husband from whom I have separated, due to my boys, but it is at least under some kind of control now instead of full of shocks every day that sent me into deep distress. Good luck to all of you. My problem is that my husband is not hastening to get himself diagnosed, but continues in deep denial of the pain his condition/behaviour has caused.

With regard to nagging, you asked:

Is it probably we try to turn our husband attention to some family/home activities expecting them to be excited to serve his family and to help them to build self-esteem? But it is hard for them to give up being self-centered.

The short answer is that I don't really know.  I know I nagged for a lot of reasons but probably mostly it had to do with the issue of control.  I wanted so badly to rely on my husband and he was so darn inconsistent.  I tried really hard to help him set up routines that would help his consistency and I honestly believe my motives were GOOD, but my manner wasn't.  I felt forced to nag cause it was the only way that anything seemed to get done around here, and Melissa posted to me way back when on that very subject....that we feel forced to nag to get what we want, but in the end we don't get what we want at all because it leads to so much resentment. 

I get a lot more effort out of my husband when I trust him to get things done even if it is a different way from me, and I work hard on my tone and my attitude when it comes to reminding.  In fact just this week, my husband was very very late on something he promised to do (like he'd been keeping this project around like a pet for YEARS) and we had talked about it on Monday, he promised it would be done by Wednesday (was less than a hour's work).  On Wednesday, I gave him a couple hours to get to it on his own, but he kept working on different things......sort of piddling around if you know what I mean.  Do a bit of this and that but getting nothing done.  Finally I was starting to get angry and was thinking of all the things that I was going to do/say if he didn't do it.

I just stopped myself and said that he clearly needed to be reminded of his promise.  So I went into his office very softly (instead of stomping in and demanding as I was inclined to do when I see him wasting time) and I talked to him nicely about some of the things he was doing, and then I asked about the other project, and his face sort of fell which means he either forgot or was avoiding it subconsciously (he'll tell himself he has PLENTY of time left in "Wednesday" so he can do it later).  I just said "I think it is only fair to warn you that this project is becoming a source of real frustration to me.  You are in control of your own schedule, but if you don't make the phone call and write the letter today, I am going to be very upset."

He immediately and lovingly detached from what he was doing and started on it and had a letter for me within the hour.  We both felt relieved, no one was angry, and it got done.  Did I handle it in the right way?  Honestly I don't know sometimes, but  I find with my husband it is all about my attitude with him if I act like I think he will fail to do something, he is angry and defensive immediately!  Even if all the evidence of the last year with this project points to me having a right to that attitude.    Men really need to be trusted.

Which leads me to a really important point.  Your husband is desperate to be trusted.  And nothing I am reading about his actions or his attitude toward his actions demonstrate that he deserves that trust.  As early as only a week or so ago he was pursuing a new woman in Pittsburg?  He is still involved with that Venezuelan? He thinks you should take him back and love him and trust him and accept that he will backslide and form these relationships, but that you can still work out your marriage?

To all these things I saw WHAT THE HECK?!?!?!?!??!?!  That is not a marriage.  His limerance/addictions/whatever are on HIS OWN HEAD.  Get help, stop putting yourself in those situations.  NO woman is going to accept his 'relationships'.  It just all sounds like excuses to me.

The other question you asked is much easier to answer:

How long the grieving process lasted?

For us right at 1 year.  It took him about  a year post treatment (which means the year didn't start counting until he was diagnosed and went on meds even though we were pretty sure for a couple months that he had ADD).  I think hearing that diagnosis is quite a blow to most people.  He felt like he was working like crazy and I felt like he was doing nothing.  Was a difficult year........easily the hardest of our marriage.

Once he came out of that and had a game plan, it has been steadily, if sometimes slowly, upward progress.

Oncehadalife, my intentions weren't to attack you. I just wanted to decompress, to take my frustration and sadness out of my chest. In our last conversations (not only last night), plus your attitude in front of your biggest problem (limerence/infatuation/sex-addiction) are not going in the desire/ more recommended direction (according to me and maybe your psychologist) You know it have being hard for me all this year of separation, to have to see the same pattern of behavior.

Somebody posted the following: "Limerance is a completely new one on me, but it makes sense that the advice would be to completely cut all contact with the girls/women in question in a similar way that an alcoholic would have to avoid alcohol like the plague.  Your husband posted that he tried to turn the attention to something like doing a project together vs going on a date, which made no sense to me.  That sounds to me like an alcoholic sitting in a bar, looking at alcohol or even holding it in his hand, but believing the whole time that this at least he isn't drinking it" Unfortunately this statement is clear, it makes completely sense to me.

I am not saying that you INTENTIONALLY kiss, date, chat, share our intimacy, etc with the intention to hurt me. Nevertheless, it happen and it is painful and confusing for me. And knowing that the only way to keep my marriage I have to face this fact for the rest of my life, it is not very encouraging. Do I have to start every single day of my life thinking that there is possibility that my husband is going to expend most of the day doing not productive job in the computer.

I read an old post from you (oncehadalife) when you said you love your wife with all your heart. My question is how a person can love so much but at the same time do some activities that are painful to that special person that is loved with all your heart. I understand the addiction factor on that, but can you understand that your addiction affect directly the core of a couple relationship. It can not be several 3rd persons, because it can not be called a couple relationship.

Sometimes I try to think in a man that I am attracted to, just to see how far my imagination can go. And imaging my self being you in Rotterdam, Pittsburg, St. Louis, Utah, Japan, Venezuela, etc and re-create your stories with that real/unreal person, and it really doesn't make me feel happy. My desires to feel loved it is not strong enough to encourage me to do such a thing in real life. It is seems absurd and  non-sense. Sincerely, I would like to ask you (oncehadalife), how would you feel if you were aware of me feeling excited to have dinner, lunch, with a personal friend or a friend of yours; visit the apartment of neighbor to talk about porno literature, chatting about the time we have being intimate during our separation. And please do not come up with the story about my bike ridding friend, that also is a very good friend of you, that invite you to go to movies, etc. Probably the only friend that invite you to do something with him. Did I tell you that more that once, probably two, while I go for a bike ride I cried wishing is you were the one enjoying the ride with me.

You said that my post are not very useful, but even if I am the most terrible wife for an ADDer, it's good to let the rest of the forum know and let them have their own perception to guide them. I am who I am, maybe now they feel more sympathy and empathy for you reading my post. Good, bad, mediocre, defensive, attacking, long, short posts are good. What we are posting here are feelings, and feelings are real and validated. My feelings, your feelings, everybody feelings.

I am sorry that my post make you upset, but I would like to throw my last frustrations to see if I can learn a new lesson. Am I still seeing ghosts here?  Am I inventing words that I never read in your facebook messages and texts. The things you have told me you never said them? How sick am I with all this experiences in my marriage? Do I deserve sympathy or only ADDers are allow to receive sympathy and empathy? May be that anger you felt reading my post is the same pain I feel when I read your communications with your special friends? I would like to know if each of them feels like the only woman/friend that you share everything you share with them? Do they think they are unique in your life? Probably some of them feel that way, may be those who are begging for attention and love.

To finish thank you for clarify some confusions in our last conversations.

as  I know that dealing with ADD and also dealing with any other addictive behaviors is a challenge.

Honestly I don't understand your post.  You seem to have read something different than I what I read in your comment, which is why I don't think it is a good idea for husbands and wives to post here TO EACH OTHER.  I think it is a very good idea for you both to post and present both sides of an issue so that there can be good advice offered.  But to post to each other and try to refute the other's post, in my opinion very unhelpful.

What I read to be the major issue for you and your wife (and please correct me if I am wrong) is your inappropriate relationships with other women.  An ongoing one with a woman from another country, some of your students (which even others in authority have told you are inappropriate), etc etc

You say you are afraid of getting back together and then 'slipping up', in what way to you mean slipping up?  Because it reads like you want to get back together with your wife and have her not be angry with you if you start having more inappropriate relationships with women.  If that is what you mean, I don't think you would find any woman anywhere willing to accept those terms.

DON"T get back with your wife or into a committed relationship with ANY woman without being confident that you can avoid inappropriate relationships with other women.  That is what your therapy is for right?  Do you have a sponsor or someone to call when you feel weak?

You are getting a dopamine jolt from these inappropriate flirting, porn, fantasy relationships with other women, that you CAN get from being in a relationship with your own wife, but only if you CUT THE OTHER WOMEN OUT.

She is probably hypersensitive to things like being nice to a waitress because of your addiction. You may linger a bit long with the eyes or start flirting without really realizing it.  If you want things to work out with any 1 woman in your life, you have to limit your contact with other women.

If you have had an inappropriate relationship, you cut all contact with that woman. You recognize it as a fantasy and not real and not conducive to what you want with your life, so you delete their numbers and you ban then from Facebook (in fact maybe you should ban yourself from Facebook while you are still having trouble controling yourself).

DON"T continue to talk to a woman you have gone too far with.  They are not your friends and they are surely not friends of your marriage.

You sound like some cheaters I know who want desperately to have a wife and kids at home in a loving marriage and also have extra excitement on the side.  You can never keep a wife and kids in that situation if they aren't agreeable to an open marriage.  You realize that right?  Your wife will not live like that, so the ball is in your court.

As far as the abuse.......slapping her and her hurling things at you.  You both need to STOP THAT.  It is horrific and will damage your children beyond belief.

I wish you the best ONCE, I feel for your situation, but the other women have to stop. It isn't even working for you, so why do you keep doing it?

Bravo! Great to hear how well you are doing on your own. What a strong capable woman. Well done!

I've read up on this+tried to be more understanding of the challenges. It seems the more accepting - become of rudeness, lateness, irresponsibility, etc. The worse it continues+increases. I'm at a dead end how to deal with this.