ADHD and Marriage: What It's Like to Own an ADHD Brain

Maybe someone can answer this question:  my spouse is 48 years old.  We've been together nearly 20.  While the ADHD signs have been there from the beginning, the last 8 years have been full blown meltdown for him.  He's spiraling worse than ever with anxiety and severe depression.  Is this consistent with adult ADHD?  Or maybe is this an onset of separate independent issues?  Because while he's been spiraling downward for 8 or so years, the bottom is dropping out fast.

BTW:  he's on meds.  The impulsivity and aggression seem to be getting worse, though.

Insight on my experience with ADHD: think about it this way…your brain processes at the speed of a quad core iMac but has just 2 MBs of RAM...

Translation: it's like trying to run iTunes, surf the Net, check email and edit photos (all at once) with a computer (from the '80s) that was built to operate one application at a time...in DOS.

Or this analogy... everyone experiences INPUT: a continuous flow of random, tangential pieces of information, images, sounds, ideas, experiences.  The PROCESSOR (or brain) sorts, organizes, reviews or rejects INPUT.  INPUT is PROCESSED in a logical, contextual and consistent manner, which in turn produces OUTPUT that is contextually appropriate, consistent and well organized or prioritized.  In the ADHD brain (at least in my experience) the INPUT is the same...but the PROCESSOR has a "glitch"...I'm able to process the INPUT in a logical, contextual and consistent manner for a while...but then something happens...an interruption, a change in the kind or speed of INPUT and I feel overwhelmed, become distracted or hyperfocused, and PROCESSING stalls and sputters...OuTpUT is random, tangential or misprioritized until I can 'REBOOT'.  This cycle of INPUT-PROCESS-OUTPUT-INPUT-PROCESS*glitch*OuTpUT-REBOOT-INPUT-PROCESS-OUTPUT is exhausting for my relationships and me.

Just the other day in counseling my husband referred to his 'world' as feeling like he had 50 televisions on in front of him at all times. It is so odd that you'd post that. I will ask him if he has any input.

I was 38 years old when I found out that non-ADD people actually have moments- minutes even- where absolutely NOTHING exists in their heads! Not a thought one, crosses their minds! I was totally in awe and as soon as the awe passed I thought - That must mean I have already forgotten more then they will ever know or learn!

Living within a relationship that has the potential to be the most beautiful and creative of your life, but having to confront and understand the impact of ADHD type behaviours in us both is really scary. It really does frighten me. I see the huge positives as well, but within the relationship what seems to be normal, or the built up expectations of normal, re relating, communicating etc...........down to the simplicity of being thanked, or awareness of others...........so much seems different.

This blog and the people behind it are angels to me.............I want to undersatnd myself, my wife, our dynamics so as to minimise, anticipate and work against the negative aspects of ADD (HD) type things in our relationship.

So thanks for being here!

I really mean that. Succeeding in a normal relationship (excuse the use of normal) is hard enough without the ADD tag, I don't want to fail again.

I couldn't bare that.

While I am not really sure where I fit on the spectrum, I just know that there is something different about me...........and when I look down the hallway of my life it has always been there, right down to my childhood years. I am 53 now and really only in the last 5-6 years realised that I may be touched with the Da Vinci brushstoke of ADHD.

What does my brain feel like?

Sometimes it feels like it will burst with all the ideas and dreams, the possibilities and the givings. These things are not just centered on me, or about me, they are things I can do to leave a colour, or mark on the world, or humanity.

Sometimes it feels like I cannot order things. Where do I put the mail, where do I put my washing when I am dividing it into piles....

Sometimes it feels like I have to think about everything, I can't do filing systems, doing order is really difficult...............yet I am not always messy, nor disordered nor incapable of organisation.........

Sometimes it feels like there is so much I want to do creatively, sleeping is a tragedy, and yet I love sleep...........and wish I dreamed more.

Sometimes I feel like I will burst with all the love that is inside me...............I want everyone to feel loved, to see their uniqueness and know that God loves them......consequently I talk, communicate lots, write etc

All these things feel fast and urgent in my brain...........like I am made for this........

My brain feels like it wants to drive on the open road all the time, to new destinations.........and then record it all and communicate the beauty of it all somehow.........or the insights on the way..........

I feel like the Suess character............are you my mother?

Somewhere I once heard/read:  "No one knows who first discovered water, but you can bet it wasn't a fish!"  How do you perceive time?  Are you aware that it's not the same as with most other people? 

With clients, I try to instill in them the knowledge that time for them is as variable as if they were traveling at 99.9% the speed of light compared to everyone else who was standing on a train platform.  Without getting any deeper into the physics of actual differences in observations made by those traveling at various speeds and the twins paradox, let's just say when an AD/HD-brained person speaks of time, it's an entirely different concept than the norm. 

To live in a world where one has to become synchronized with others who have a constant internal clock when yours is always changing by continually going faster or slower depending on how compelling the task is crazy-making if you're not aware that those other people perceive time differently than you.

It can be liberating to be free of that more linear time sense, but it can be a cause friction if the two different concepts of time (linear and variable) are mixed unknowingly with friends who's expectations are that you run on the same linear time scale as they do.

Been married nearly 3 years (second marriage) to an ADD/ADHD guy. In his past he has been a heavy recreational drug user (from pot to LSD and PCP). Being a non-drug user myself, I've tried to understand what he would see in using these types of psychotropic drugs; I cannot conceive of anyone really ENJOYING the out of body, sensory bombardment that these create. As a BPD sufferer, I had one hallucinatory experience and it scared the hell out of me (thank God, there have been no more). However, after reading here about how the ADD/ADHD brain works, it makes sense now. I also would get upset when he would play his guitar and sing while the TV is on, or have it blaring (or music) while doing a couple of other things, while I HAVE to attend to one thing at a time with no distractions. Understand that better now...doesn't make it any less difficult, but can see how it works now.  BTW, my first husband had mild ADD/ADHD (at least mild by comparison with my current husband), and it drove me crazy. Looks like I've jumped from the frying pan into the fire!!

I think the worst part of all this, and I see positive and negative things in having ADHD, is not knowing sooner. I was FINALLY diagnosed 2 years ago. And the only reason I found out was because I was reentering college and knew I always had a really hard time with the school work. Never even knew what ADHD was until a friend suggested I get tested. So the wayward journey began. The more I research the condition, I did a 20 page research paper for my Psych 101 class and boy did I learn alot, the more I realize its not so bad. The meds help with the focusing. I have inattentive type with a smidge of impulsivity thrown in there. My wife loves it because I turn into the italian Mr. Clean and in 4 hours you can eat off of....well everything in the house when I'm done. I have tried to explain to my wife what its like living in my head. This is the answer I gave her;

Imagine my brain is a blender that is stuck on frappe, you want me to focus and not drift off. For me its like sticking your hand into the blender stuck on frappe and try to grab words to make a sentence or grab focus to keep trained on what your saying to me. After all this time I have bloody stumps where my fingers used to be. I am rewiring the blender to drop the speed a few notches but I'm not sure a spouse will truly understand now matter how clever the example is. That is the downside. For all her trying to understand she doesn't but with effort and a lot of love things can be good.

This is is how I explain to my children what is it like in my brain.  If you take a bouncy and throw it as hard as you can against the wall, what will it do?  Go crazy all over the place of course.  That is what it is like trying to contain one thought, stay on task, keep things straight, keep things organized, well you get the idea.

I really enjoyed reading all these comments, and was bummed that the last one came through 12/10 -- more action here people!

I can relate to most every comment. I am also ADD inattentive with a splash of impulsivity.  Sounds cool when I say it. But it isn't really. Understanding is the key to progress though.

Here is the outward manifestation of what my brain has done in the last hour. I got home from the mall (which I hate malls), quick in and out to fix a DOA Xmas gift for my son. We got home, put the toy to use. Then I figured it was time to eat. So - I put a bowl of leftovers in the microwave, started that. Oh - then gonna make ham and beans from the hambone Xmas eve  dinner. Wait - cut a piece of cheese for the chili in the microwave but don't transfer it to the bowl. Get some ice for my drink, pour it in. Grab a container and go down to the pantry to grab some dried beans for the new dish - move a box around and a picture catches my eye. Whoa - it's memorabilia from the 70's. Start hashing through my High school diploma, old letters, pictures... wow - I should scan and email some of these pictures, cool got that done. Now where was I - back into the pantry to search for the container, can't find it. 10 minutes later - after looking at more pics, OH - there the container is. Pour some beans into it and go put  them in the pan. I notice my drink, melted and icky sitting by the sink. Pour it out and add more ice and refresh the liquid. Microwave seems hot, and smells good, whats in there? CHILI -- YAY! Take out my chili and remember I cut a piece of cheese, now where is that... find it under the cover of the trimmed hambone...  on and on.

What I do is a direct result of my inability to really get on one task from start to finish. Used to be funny. Not funny anymore. So now my brain fees injured, shook up like when you were a kid and you played too hard, ran too hard, fell down to hard. So - if you actually read all of the above your brain probably feels the same. But you asked...

Hyper1 out

I explain to people that to understand whats going on in my mind especially when stimulant rebound occurs is this.  Imagine yourself hoovering over 12 lanes of traffic in the dark.  All you see is the car headlights going each direction really, really fast.  That what I feel like.  Everything is going way to fast  and there is entirely to much to see.  I love the analogy of looking through a paper towel roll.  It is so true.  Thank God my wife is a doctor and understands ADD quite well.  She does say I'm the worst case she has ever seen.  At least she is honest.  :-)

I have always compared the way I function to a "fish bone" diagram.  You know, the kind used to diagram cause and effect and frequently used in brainstorming sessions.  I start out to do one thing (the fish head) and end up doing many other things (the fish bones) before I complete my task.  At times, this drives me nuts.

It is not unusual at the end of my workday to find a window on my computer that I had opened first thing in the morning still sitting there waiting for me to complete that task.  MS Windows has exacerbated my ADHD by enabling me to easily get sidetracked by opening multiple windows into distracting places.  This hurts my productivity big-time, and when my laptop bogs down with too many windows open my mind starts to wander and I lose my train of thought.  I try to focus but have had poor success for years and years.  Back in the mainframe days this wasn't such a problem. 

I will call him at work sometimes because I need him to do something (that he never does). He always acts surprised, like he does not remember who I am.  One of the many things that make me feel that he cares more about the clients he takes care of than he does about me. I hate it but it's nice to know someone else has had the same experience.

I always refer to myself as a computer (it's also very effective because men usually understand this) and that my brain has a task manager.

My head is an old computer running an OS that is a little too heavy for it, it's strong enough to be tolerable and useable but it's a little too heavy on the machine.
Whenever I have to do a task, or something comes up, and/or my husband is firing questions at me I feel like when you click Internet Explorer om this slightly too overloaded computer and you end up multi clicking cause nothing happens. The computer freezes for a tiny bit then all the windows come slapping you right in the face. Then the computer tries to load all these pages simultaneously, each with their own load of pictures, text and information.

That's how I feel my brain is like. And more often than not I have to press ctrl+alt+del and quit tasks because my CPU can't handle it. While my husband runs a new fancy computer with Windows 7. The fan barely makes any noise and his Internet Explorer boots immediately. Whenever he borrows "my computer" it drives him absolutely insane and he doesn't understand how I can stand a "computer" being this slow.

I know, I know, some of you will object strongly.  But a study at MIT proved that rather than true multitasking, the brain has the ability to a great or lesser degree, to switch quickly from one task to another and back again in a quick series which can seem like multitasking.  But the brain can only focus on one thing at a time.  It can switch quickly back and forth, but still, only one thing at a time. 

It's not ironic that the MIT students, one of the most intelligent in the US, I'm sure, in spite of the proof (evidence) of the contrary still think they are the exception.  They accept the science of the multitasking study, yet emotionally they still believe they are the exception to the rule.  Somehow they think they can sit in class, take notice, notes, understand, and run two instant message conversations with friends while buying tickets to that weekend's concert.  They can't.

Instead of thinking in long complicated but thorough arguments, their (current college students) writing is similar to a series of blog entries with some meaty thoughts strung loosely together that do not measure up to the writing of students of only 20 years ago; before the personal computer had really taken hold and everything we hold in our hands or interact with seems to be connected to the "cloud" now. 

Things always change in the relative world; that's the one thing you can count on, but trying to study a subject of higher education while attempting to do two to six other things simultaneously is just a way of not doing any of them with 100% of one's brain and reasoning powers but some percentage thereof. 

Instead of multitasking, perhaps a better way to think of it would be successfully or not successfully switching quickly between different objects of attention which can change depending on the subject, the medication or not, the dose of said medication or one's own personal health or energy at the moment and a number of other variables.

When I notice I'm multitasking (switching from one task to another in sequence), I try my best to stick to the "one next thing" that needs doing.  When I do that I notice that more gets done and there are fewer unfinished projects at the end of the day.  I actually finish some things that wouldn't have been finished before I understood how my brain sabotages my task completion.  With or without medicine, finding some way to focus that works for you as an individual, will bring better results than trying to become a better multitasker, when that is not really a reality at all but an illusion. 

The other thing that sticks in my mind from reading the last 10 posts is a recurring theme of thinking of that past, past mistakes, past things forgotten by us but not by our spouse, wrongs we have committed and we feel appropriately shameful about it rather than unhealthy shame in which we are the thing wrong not what we did.  I deal with this the same way I deal with the losses I've suffered by not being diagnosed until I was 47 or not finding the magical medication until I was almost 63 (and I was in an environment with some of the greatest ADHD doctors, coaches, and laymen specialists that one could hope for - ADDA conventions and phone bridges to start with). 

I deal with the past by starting where I am, not looking back and living as if I've just awakened from a dream where there are affects from the past, but mostly I'm affected by what I do now and say now and plan now.  I can't afford to spend any more time in the past with so little future ahead of me comparatively.  I'm going to make the best of the time I have left (and that can be if one is 20 or 40 or 70) and by so doing will get a better result than if I tried to make amends to all those I had harmed and fretted about lost opportunities or "if I'd only's" ad infinitum.  That doesn't mean I don't make any amends or fix what I can from the past, but I let the present and future determine my actions not the past.  Let it go now.  Nothing is served by wallowing in the mud of the past (loose quote from Maharishi).  Who wants to go around covered in that mud?

Begin each day anew and make it the best day you can and that's all.  Nothing else.  If you do that, and "never do that which you know to be wrong-MMY" you will be all right.

I've always really struggled to explain how time feels for me, and the idea of it being a bit like looking down a tube is a really good one! It's always annoyed me a bit when people make out that people with ADD are incapable of imagining the future, or learning from the past, or that we only live in the present, because I just don't think that's true. It's more that we can't see the whole thing in one go very easily - we might have a very clear idea of where we want to be in the future, but the difficulty is in joining that up with the present. And I might be able to look back at my past mistakes and try to learn from them, but that doesn't always translate very well to changing my future behaviour - when I'm "in the moment" I am not good at remembering the lessons I've learnt from the past. And the tube analogy also encapsulates the kind of "tunnel vision" that can go with hyperfocusing too (which is when this "time isolation" can be at it's worst).

As for some of the other analogies, I think they're pretty good, but some of them don't entirely sit right with my personal experiences. For instance, I think the idea that the inside of our head is "fast & noisy" might give the impression that it's really loud & crazy inside the head of everyone with ADD. Whilst I'm sure that is true of some people, for me the "noise" is not necessarily loud, it's just "noisy" in the sense that people would describe "noise" disrupting a radio signal. You might say that the "static on a radio" one would fit me best but that implies that the noise itself is meaningless, or is just brief snippets of meaning (like when you hear a little bit of another radio show in the radio static), which isn't necessarily the case. An analogy I've just come up with is that it's a bit like swimming under water teeming with life - the water might be pretty murky with things like algae & plankton floating around, underwater plants keep getting in your face and maybe even entangling your body, and interesting fast moving creatures like fish keep darting in front of you, attracting your attention away from whatever it is you're trying to focus on. The sound of the water in your ears is yet another source of distraction & "noise", and the light filtering down from the surface isn't really bright enough to see properly so you have to focus extra hard to see the thing you're trying to see, all the while screening out the distractions of the brightly coloured fish darting by & other things floating through your field of vision. The great thing about the "swimming underwater" analogy is that it sums up the kind of effort involved in "swimming" through it all, it's not just a passive experience (well, it can be if you just sit back & let it all "wash over you", but if you're actually trying to get somewhere it's like there is resistance from the water making it all more difficult) - there can be currents you have to swim against too, which try to carry you off in another direction or just swirl you round in circles. I think this is something people don't get about ADD, that just doing apparently simple things can be a huge amount of effort, because it's not just about doing the task, it's about really straining to give it your full attention against all the mental noise & currents dragging you elsewhere; mental effort can be as exhausting as physical effort. It's not surprising we often prefer to just shut down and do something "easy" like surfing the internet or watching TV, where we can just get carried along with the flow rather than swimming against the currents through a pool of distraction!

Well im am 28 and I have been diagnosed with add then adhd terrets you name it,I havent been checked since I've been older but I am definately going to see someone when I get home after reading these testimonies.First off its good to know I'm not alone. When I was younger the mood swings were worse I would go into red rages where I didn't remeber what was said or what had happened some of the time.I would get confused then that would lead to anger,over the littlest things,and after I would apologize to my mother and sister who were usually the brunt of my mood swings and they would accept it and move on I felt guilty for many years for what I put them throu and didnt understand why I did those things.I thought I had grown out of it or been able to control it.In a sense it had calmed down but I still had feelings of frustration and I could feel myself getting angry with it.I didnt have "an episode" for a long time after just recently I was remarried and my wife had noticed it.I brushed it off sayin not im not the one whos crazy you are,Multiple times I have pushed the blame on her been verbally abusive to her and I didnt want to believe it.We would argue then we would calm down and she would try to talk to me and her account of things would be different from how I remembered them.Yet still I would deny and disagree and I had to be right I remember it going another way.I didnt want to belive her,that there was something wrong with me.The first year of our marriage was hell for her im sure,but she stuck with me and tried to help, but I refused to listen and she tried to give me websites to learn about it and i just blew it off.I have been in the army for 8 years now,many times I have gotten in trouble for not completing taskings on time,but still some how managed to eeke by,Im starting to realize my memory is shot,I am still having trouble concentrating on multiple tasks I seem to have up and down days,some days I can do multiple tasks and get them done and other days i seem to not be able to concentrate and having trouble with even the most simple tasks.I have days where I have a million things running through my head at once seems like im sitting at a busy bus station and everyone is talkin to me.I seem to find that sometimes taking a time out helps gets a breather in,but other times I get so overwhelemed with things I tend to flip out.Some nights its hard for me to sleep cause even though im exhausted,even in the days i tend to start thinkinIm running through simultions if you will off the day then my imagination gets the best of me and god only knows where my mind wanders then ive lost track of what im thinking and I feel frustrated cause I forgot what I was doing,More than a few times I have even caused myself migranes cause im so lost in thought then when I snap out of it its like my brain melts. Other occasions I will be haveing conversations with my wife over text and I get frustrated cause i misunderstood a text or how it was meant,or even in phone conversations.My memory is the most frustating,causeI cant keep up with sports or guns or cars  like most guys my age cause I cant remeber stuff Ive read or been told,(this is really frustrating being a soldier)and its not everthing that I forget but enough to not be able to socialize with people cause I dont know what their talking bout,then the depression kicks in and Im not wanting  to socialize cause I have nothing to relate,It's frustrating but, all in all its a little more reassuring that there are others with the same issues that I'm going through. Also that there is a silver lining that even thou it will get worse that there is help out there.

Thank you for describing me!!!  I want to print this out and share it with everyone that comes in contact with me so they understand that I do really care what they are saying but it doesn't always come together right in my brain.  It is like spaghetti...each noodle is a thought or a concern,or even an attempt to participate in a conversation...and it is all mixed together in a boiling pot which is overflowing.  Sometimes my anger feels like a great big ball of chemicals that builds up inside of me and needs to be released.  Figuring out how to release that energy without being destructive is the hard part.  After you realize that the way you act and the decisions you make in life have been heavily influenced by ADHD you start to question yourself and not trust yourself when making decisions or entering into a serious conversation.  And Time...my biggest enemy!!!!!  If only I had enough time to catch that positive emotion floating in my head and still share it with someone.  I'm still looking for that time that will allow me to sit and play with my kids.  How in the world do I grab it and hold on to it?  It goes by so quickly and the emotions catch up later.

If someone has had ADHD from birth how would they know they are any different than someone else? I have an eye problem from birth. I only look out of ONE EYE AT A TIME. I could never know what is like to look out of both eyes at the same time. How could I tell people I see things in a different way than they do? So, someone with ADHD has always had an ADHD brain and can't possilbly know what it would be like to not have an ADHD brain. 

I ask this because I am married for 26 years to someone with ADHD. He has had a positive ADHD assessment. However, he is in deep DENIAL. I can understand why he would be in denial. How could he know he is thinking or experiencing life from an ADHD perspective when he has never had another brain to experience life? This is all he knows and he feels he is normal. 

Our marriage is so fragile now. I asked for a  legal separation a year ago. I love him and want the marriage to work. We don't want a divorce. We both just needed time apart. Shortly after I moved out he slowly moved back in with me. I knew he had a place to go if things got bad and I felt it was okay to have him live with me. About 8 months after he moved back with me I had a serious medical problem and couldn't cope with the ADHD and focus on my healing. With my therapist's help we asked him to move out. I was worried he would see this in "black and white" and think I was ENDING the relationship. Even though my therapist and I spent much time explaining his moving out was temporary he is in great trauma and doesn't trust me when I say it is okay to move back in.

We have a "weekend marriage" now and he is reluctant to even have that with me. He changes his mind in a flash and one day he wants to be with me and the next he doesn't even want an email from me. I can understand that ADHD has left him with so much stress to deal with when our relationship is so confusing and not "normal". We have so much painful history that both of us don't trust much.

I have done research on Melissa's site, read her book and plan to attend a conference in Oct/12 in Toronto with her speaking. My husband very reluctantly agreed to a free coaching/cousnelling session with a therapist who has taken Melissa's professional training. That will happen by Skype Tues Aug 7th/12. I am willing to do so much and he is pulling back more and more. The more I try to do things differently and lovingly, the more he pulls away. I am getting hurt most of the time. I have good reason to just leave this relationship and many times a day I think it would be the best thing to do. Then I just keep researching and trying differently, hoping, giving, reaching, loving. 

I did tell him last weekend how I am feeling. I used the communication styles in Melissa's book. He just spaced out. He is also diagnosed with dissociation. He didn't respond. He just shut down. The relationship is extremely stressful even when things are going well. It's like we are both waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Can anyone relate to my world. I feel very lonely with no support from family or friends.