Forum topic: Contact with other women with ADD/ADHD?

You suffer from the shame that many people with ADHD have...but please, please, please tell your fiance about your ADHD diagnosis.  The basis of any good relationship is honesty, and as you can see from the posts on this blog, ADHD in a relationship is best handled front and center!

I suggest you read "Delivered from Distraction" because it looks at ADHD from a very positive point of view.  There are lots of great things about having ADHD which you can celebrate (like creativity, compassion, etc.)  You can share Delivered with your fiance, also, if you feel comfortable with what you read.  The more he knows about ADHD, the better.  I think he'll be grateful that you were honest and that you trusted him enough to share this momentus news. 

As you move into treatment, make sure to take a holistic approach, that is one that looks at exercise, nutrition, habit changes and the like as well as possible medication.  (And don't settle for a med that has bad side-effects!)

One woman who has ADHD and also a great understanding of how ADHD affects women is Sari Solden, who is one of our guest authors on this blog.  I'm going to send her your question, and hopefully she'll have a chance to answer it in full.

Melissa Orlov

You can contact other women on my site at sarisolden.com. I have a discussion forum there where you can start a conversation. Hopefully soon I will have more groups to talk at specific times on a regular basis so keep checking my website. Begin by reading some books about women as well. There are references on my site.

You are right that the most important thing though is to connect up to other women with ADD. This will help you feel more sure of yourself, help you to accept your diagnosis, and most importantly, really understand your strengths and gifts. Then you can put more of your focus into using your gifts. You will then feel stronger to communicate with your fiancé.

Start by just describing what is difficult for you as well as what you are good at rather than labeling yourself or characterizing yourself in a negative way. Instead of “I’m a slob or I’m so disorganized or I have ADD”, start by planting seeds such as “I have difficulty balancing my check book,” or “I am very good at understanding peoples feelings,” or whatever is the case for you. “I have trouble filtering out the noise when we go to parties,” or “I get overwhelmed with too many things to do at once,” or “I really want to listen to you – let’s make a special time and place so I can give you my full attention”. As Ned Hallowell says “no one has a perfect brain.” When you start describing your strengths and challenges in this way, this will actually let him know you more fully, improve communication between the two of you in all areas, and give him permission to let you know the areas in which he struggles as well!

Good luck!

Sari Solden, MS, LMFT

[email protected]

www.sarisolden.com

I don't know why it's taken me this long to realize that I clearly have ADD.  I'm married, two wonderful kids, and am turning 40 this year. 

Life just seems overwhelming to me a lot.  No matter how hard I try to stick w/ one career choice, well it seems the spark that was initially lit fizzles out and I lose interest.  I'm always day-dreaming about living somewhere else, doing something else, learning something new and this doesn't function nor work for a married woman w/ two children.  I FORCE myself to stay steady and not act on my impulses to want to constantly move.  Feelings of depression make me think that it's time to move on to something new.

My impulsiveness has cost my family dearly.  We had a successful business, great home, and were financially sound.  My gut and restlessness told me it was time to move and rebuild our business in another state.  We didn't know I had ADD, so my husband went along w/ my idea.  Now with the recession and real estate collapse, we not only lost our business, but we have lost a lot of our financial security. My husband being older than I am, resents me for what I've done to him and our family.

At times my ADD leaves me literally frozen.  I feel jammed up inside my head.  Other times, new ideas and thoughts just constantly swirl around in my head; I can't slow all the chaos down.

I feel like freeing my husband of this craziness, as I want him to be free to find someone who is steady and can live "normally". I love him, but feel stiffled by his view points, opinions, etc. of how I should be. I also want to be free from his constant criticisms that leave me feeling small and useless.  My self esteem is now so low and for the first time in my life I'm afraid to try new things.  I'm afraid of making a mistake and angering my husband.

A perfect world to me would be one where I could have enough money to live, so I was free to tap into my creativeness.  I have written in spurts, I love to paint and use my hands to create. 

My husband is a extremely money motivated person, who believes in discipline and thinks my ways are irresponsible and immature and selfish.  I know he would love me to pieces if I could perform and function in a way that brought in $100,000 or more each and every year.  I have functioned in the past well in short spurts and did well in sales here and there, but could never stick to a steady 8-5 schedule.  He constantly says I must use more will power and push myself - this makes me depressed and spiral down wards.

I love him and he loves me, but last night I told him the truth about how I was feeling inside.  I confessed that I am trying so hard to live right and perform.  He's relying on me to try and start a new business. At first I told him I would do it, as I saw how happy that made him.  Then last night, I had to tell him I could not kick start a new business as I knew I would have days where I wasn't disciplined enough to keep cold calling, as he expects. He immediately put his head down on the dining table, shook his head and told me how disappointed he was in me.  He then went upstairs laid in bed, telling me his heart was having problems. 

Today I'm calling Dr. offices, trying to get in, so I can get help. 

I feel so angry that I have ADD.  It makes me feel ashamed.  Coming from a divorced family myself, I could never do that to my children and yet I feel that I could perform better w/ out the pressure from my husband.  He warns me that I could not handle a life separate from him, because of my unsteadyness from the ADD.  I can't manage a check book!

Can anyone relate to any of this?