-
by: Elliej -
Hi I was with my ADHD (possibly autistic) ex husband for 18years. He threw some catasthrophic bombs on the marriage, things i could have simply chosen to walk away. Instead i started therapy to process and forgive. He watched me do that, watched me fight for the marriage, yet never offered or sought therapy himself. 7months later i asked him to go to therapy. It took him a further 9 months to go. So all in 1.5years. I was so shocked, confused and devastated it took so long. It felt like a slap...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
-
by: AdeleS6845 -
"Why do you think your husband was devastated when you ended the marriage?" For me, my husband was devastated when I ended the marriage because he never thought I would leave. I found a phrase online that describes what I experienced. "A tolerable level of permanent unhappiness." The phrase implies that people have been taught to accept a certain level of unhappiness in long-term relationships. My ex knew he was hurting me and didn't care.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
-
by: Swedish coast -
I’d say there doesn’t seem to be a lot you have in common with my ex… He’s severe ADD with several comorbidities.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
-
by: adhd32 -
What efforts is he making to save the relationship? One person doing all the work cannot save a relationship. Porn addiction, no friends, family estrangement are big clues that he isn't keeping his life on track in a productive way. Step back and observe his commitment to your relationship. Is he helping you row the boat or is he drilling holes while you keep the ship on course and bail at the same time? Refusing therapy is a big clue to his commitment to change. You know he won't change on his own...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
-
by: J -
Because, I've done what your ex has done...but I've always bounced back and "finished"...what I started. I've done the "too many projects"...remodels, etc. But I also, usually, come back and finish. I've done the "hide out and rest" thing too. But I also, usually, get back up and follow through. I've made promises, and usually, kept them. In chronologic time....it's just taken longer than I'd hoped. The biggest problem I've had...was time. Doing it in a timely manner in...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
-
by: J -
Taking myself back in time, I think acceptance had a big role to play. To put this into perspective, at the time, not only did I not know I had ADHD, I had no concept of what it was? Not only that, I has no concept of disorders or any mental health issues and considered myself "normal", just like everyone else. How I saw myself, was how I saw myself which was: some good, some bad, a list of my accomplishments ( good ), and handful of not so great attributes ( flaws ), and a few pretty bad acts or...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
-
by: 1Melody1 -
I had been clear for many years that I didn't feel I could continue if nothing changed in our marriage so he should have seen it coming. Every conversation we ever had about it seemed to disappear from his mind the next day though. He'd continue as if nothing had happened. When I finally said I was leaving, he was still utterly shocked. Despite clear communication, I don't think he realized how bad things were and if he did, I don't think he thought I would go through with it. But I had become such a...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
-
by: Swedish coast -
For J, the avoidance of a destructive home environment as a child by attending a sports team has given him strength and resilience. It’s truly a story of hope. I was rather thinking of ADHD partners not finishing houses or projects, choosing porn instead of partner intimacy, avoiding burning relationship issues as you’ve all described above. In those instances, I believe the logic of avoidance of fear and shame leads to not wanting therapy, defensiveness, unwillingness to discuss issues, and not...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
-
by: J -
If I apply this to myself Swedish, it really does play out to exactly that. A) I lived in fear at home from my dad, and the secondary type of abuse ( Helicopter Mom ) made life unbearable to be around sometimes. This combination, could have had a much worse effect, but I literally, stayed away as much as I could....and succeeded to do so. B) My second father ( my swim coach ), and my friends I saw everyday ( team mates ), and my second home ( the pool )....were all in an effort to get...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
-
by: dottiecool -
Hi 1Melody1; Thank you for sharing your story. Why do you think your husband was devastated when you ended the marriage? Do you think he had no comprehension of the issues at hand and how much his actions and refusal to seek help were affecting you? This is something I struggle with is their lack of empathy? Is this characteristic of a person with ADHD? Or they are so involved in their bubble that they can't see past it? I am so angry at my fiance because he wants to buy me a car...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
-
by: dottiecool -
To read part of your story is heartbreaking. I always find it hard to read how much the human spirit can endure. But you sound like you came out on the other side all the better. I wonder why we hold on with a death grip to something we think is going to get better but never does. We cling to a hope that our partner will not only realize they pain they inflict on their partner but also on themselves. But sadly, we cannot control their will nor their logic. And what is most frustrating is they...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
-
by: Swedish coast -
An insightful member on this forum said all their ADHD partner’s decisions were made to avoid fear and shame. Taste it. I don’t know if it makes as perfect sense to you as it did for me. But for me, it tied together decade-long confusing experiences and finally explained them. If for other people choices are made to gain something, like friendship, success, intimacy, knowledge, adventure, beauty, for him it was all about avoiding fear and shame. Imagine the life he must’ve had. ...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
-
by: J -
but it's possible. My therapist indicated that she might have a personality disorder, without actually saying so ( because he couldn't directly ) but it was implied. My best guess is, that was her issue not ADHD. What I'm suggesting, based on what he was telling me was: her victim mentality was the biggest problem in our relationship, more than any other specific thing. That might be a symptom of the bigger issue ( personality disorder ) but, I'm not an expert on that. All I know is, people...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
-
by: 1Melody1 -
My 20-year marriage ended after years of me being in a similar position to yours. He knew our marriage/family was on the line, and yet still could not bring himself to address the ADHD. I could not comprehend why he'd rather lose our family than do the work... but that was the reality. It is something I wish I'd seen and accepted earlier. Looking back, I believe it was a combination of not wanting to face or admit to his own challenges and also not wanting to change. HE was happy as things were...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
-
by: dottiecool -
Thank you for your reply. Both you and your ex wife suffer with ADHD? Do you think she avoided responsibilities due to her ADHD? Was there an equal effort in trying to save your marriage through the therapy? What ended your marriage? Do you feel that a non ADHD partner should take more responsibility in a relationship?>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
-
by: J -
"Is the reason for not wanting therapy is because they are so plagued by pain and disappointment that they cannot bear any more criticism (positive) or pain?" I'm not a therapist, but I have ADHD. I was criticized relentlessly and abused by a parent who wouldn't quit. I was traumatized to the point of developing a condition including anxiety and depression beginning at an early age. I was a neurotic mess inside. But, I looked forward to therapy. I was overjoyed to find out I had ADHD ( at...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
-
by: sickandtired -
My exbf was building a house when I met him in 2004. It is still unfinished. After I dumped him in 2015, this was his only shelter. You would think that common sense survival instincts would kick in, and he would finish it, but no. It doesn’t have working plumbing or electricity yet, even though he laid out pipes and wires over a decade ago. In his whining threatening emails, he complained how he has to go to the bathroom in plastic bags like it’s my fault! He has “concepts of a plan” on how to make...>>> on Forum topic - House renovation to infinity
-
by: sickandtired -
My exbf would comment about waitresses at many restaurants we were at. It was maddening! He would fixate on one particular waitress, usually the one who was serving us, and he would comment to me about her body, her lips or the size of her stomach! One time he actually asked the poor girl if she had just given birth because, “ you have a beautiful figure, but your stomach is sticking out so I’m wondering if you just had a baby?” I was mortified!!! Another time he fixated on a gal who had a lip ring....>>> on Forum topic - House renovation to infinity
-
by: sickandtired -
This guy seems to have the bad qualities of both my ex husband and my ex boyfriend. I was married to an airline pilot for 12 years and he was addicted to porn. It was a nightmare. Although he was highly educated and made good money from an exciting career, porn and sexual addiction ruined his life. He was a perpetual liar and a serial cheater. Something about the thrill of almost getting caught made him sexually inappropriate with some of my best friends. He was so bold they were afraid to tell me...>>> on Forum topic - House renovation to infinity
-
by: sickandtired -
The car may be a distraction from the real issues of he can’t get anything done, and he wants to live alone with his porn. The car might make you feel like you are more invested in the relationship and make it harder for you to justify leaving. Think of it as a bribe to stay, or throwing you a bone, so you aren’t as likely to complain about the unfinished house. Also, guys like my ex boyfriend had a grandiose sense that he didnt need anyone to help him finish the house. He took it as an insult when I...>>> on Forum topic - House renovation to infinity
Learn to thrive in your relationship
Upcoming seminars & support groups
Learn the dynamics of ADHD relationships. Our Live Couples' Seminar starts on Jan 22, 2025! Register HERE!
Looking for a little more support? Join one of our Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups. First support group starts on Jan 13, 2025. Find all our support group options HERE.
Turn your knowledge into actionable steps to improve your relationship. Sign up here and join our Intent-to-Action Membership Program.
The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.
Register for free marriage tips here!
"Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."
Free Treatment E-Book
