-
by: J -
This is probably the biggest reason that I've been upset or have gotten angry which seems to be a running theme. Being devalued and left feeling unimportant. I said this directly to my SO in another one of the few times I've been really angry. It was our one year anniversary together and we had plans for dinner. I was looking forward to it and excited. I come home with less than a 1/2 hour to leave and she's asleep on the couch...not dressed. I wake her up and she's groggy from going out shopping with...>>> on Forum topic - Being Objective and Identifying the Battle
-
by: Swedish coast -
I'm glad you feel you're among friends.>>> on Forum topic - Just getting started
-
by: a look into the... -
Thank you so much Swedish Coast. What you said about understanding that success is more than reaching potential and your children's verbal talent never matching their talent or lack thereof with executive functions is definitely a paradigm shift that I need to work on. I'm not looking to dwell on excuses and really do agree with you. I wish it were simpler where I live that I can only assume is a tiny part of the problem... i.e. a large urban coastal city of nearly half a million people in Los Angeles...>>> on Forum topic - Just getting started
-
by: Swedish coast -
I'm with you. It's painful to see your children fail. Almost unbearable. And if you're resourceful - as I see you are - it's not easy to sit on your hands and let them slam into their disappointments. What my child's evaluation psychologist told us parents was that we should avoid settings where our child would fail. It was better, she said, to choose the less competitive route through education and extracurriculars. Succeeding was more important than reaching potential. I think that advice was sound. It'...>>> on Forum topic - Just getting started
-
by: a look into the... -
I am a text book case of trying to fix things. As a mother I think there is a degree of parenting that looks like fixing when children are young. I have tried, perhaps not successfully, to let natural consequences occur but definitely fell victim similar to all the other entitled parents in my community who struggle to see their children fail (regardless of ADHD or not). Obviously I know this is a recipe for disaster as any human being matures, and am now realizing that for a person with ADHD it's even...>>> on Forum topic - Just getting started
-
by: Swedish coast -
Some of my closest relatives have a great need for independence. They can't be asked to sync with others in time or space in advance, they dislike planning and they articulate it's very important everybody does exactly what they want in every moment. They seem to want to crawl out of their skins rather than be caught in others' expectations. To me this simply doesn't seem relationship-oriented. They are all single, and I understand why. In a family, someone is almost always waiting for you, hoping to...>>> on Forum topic - Being Objective and Identifying the Battle
-
by: J -
You hit the nail on the head!! This explains so much. As I said earlier, I trust my SO in some ways but not others. She's actually a very responsible person in almost every way imaginable. We actually work well as a team and interdependenty in that way quite well....logistically speaking. This sounds like quite a stark contrast to your soon to be ex. She pays bills on time, she's not late for work. She's disciplined in her work habits when working from home. Held her job for over 17 years....By all...>>> on Forum topic - Being Objective and Identifying the Battle
-
by: Swedish coast -
C, you're right that we cannot fix somebody else. On the other hand, is it right to instead spend oneself fixing the effects of their neglect? My problem with ADD is mainly that it has left me as non-ADD parent with such a load, while also bereaving our family of community. Giving the children what I wanted for them culturally, educationally and materially though their father was always passive, depressed, anxious and defensive, has been the most heartbreaking task I've ever had. I'm also convinced had...>>> on Forum topic - Just getting started
-
by: c ur self -
Those of us who live w/ minds (spouse's and children) that work differently from our own, have to ask ourselves some questions...Am I keeping the main things first in my life? (love and acceptance of my family and my own self care)....If I need boundaries placed on myself (emotions, not attempting to think for others, not attempting to force my will on people who for the most part I can't really comprehend, and make it clear they are fine being who they are) have I done that, and am I honoring them? You...>>> on Forum topic - Just getting started
-
by: c ur self -
If he wasn't having these issues before your marriage, you need to look into why now!....You will need a respected third party or counselor to help navigate the sensitive subjects...The worst thing in my opinion is to use labels, (adhd)...Label's can have many effects, and they are all negative to a healthy marriage....I suggest you stick to acceptable and respectful behaviors toward each other, from the both of you...(Because the results are always the same....Use kind words, respect and acceptance...The...>>> on Forum topic - Anger management course/book recommendations
-
by: c ur self -
One of the first things our counselor recognized with us, (12 years ago) and talked about was: independence vs Interdependence...You can be single and be Independent...But the product of attempting that Independence within a manogamous relationship, only sets in order a whole list of sensitive subjects...(eggshells) "He hurt my feelings," "She uncaringly disrespected me" And on and on...Our dependency needs to be Intertwined....Two being one flesh...If I, or she, demands or even desires independence in...>>> on Forum topic - Being Objective and Identifying the Battle
-
by: Swedish coast -
This sounds terribly difficult. I'm so sorry. Really, him being opaque with you and not pursuing treatment can be questioned. Is it fair to you who has to deal with the effects of ADD in both family members? He and your daughter can call you a nag all they want, I still don't think compensating for unmedicated ADD can be expected of you or it's their right not to try and lessen ADD symptoms. You are a person, not a support system, right? I'm also puzzled to hear the pediatrician doesn't want to treat...>>> on Forum topic - Just getting started
-
by: a look into the... -
Thank you for sharing as well. I do feel burnt out and yet I keep trying because the truth is that I don't feel like a good wife or mother (not in a depressed way - at least I don't think - but rather in a motivated - I've got to do something different - way). The two people who are almost mirror images of one another (husband and daughter) seem to shut me out so I can only guess whatever I've been doing (i.e. likely the nagging) has failed. It's only because of The ADHD Effect on Marriage book that I...>>> on Forum topic - Just getting started
-
by: a look into the... -
Thank you. I appreciate your response. The thing about referencing my profession was to point out the irony of my own blindness for over half of my marriage. I feel my husband has completely shut down (distracted in his own world) for the better half of a decade, so I am sort of in the dark about anything else he has pursued since his discovery and self-diagnosis 8 years ago. Our daughter did have an extensive work up resulting in an official clinical diagnosis a year later (which was 7 years ago) that...>>> on Forum topic - Just getting started
-
by: Haveaniceday -
Swedish, your last line is important. How hard we have to try to not react to their symptoms is what makes it untenable. I mentioned the other day that I was fairly sure I was at least a bit depressed. My husband said then I should go onto antidepressants. So I said, I'm not going to medicate myself to deal with your ADHD, if you wont even medicate yourself for our own ADHD. Madness.>>> on Forum topic - Just getting started
-
by: Haveaniceday -
Hi there, I'm glad you found this site. It's been a much needed source of support for me this year, and also one of the only reasons I am sure I am not completely crazy. My story is very similar to yours, our now 17 year old diagnosed with combined type ADHD almost 2 years ago, a neurotypical 11 year old, and a recently self diagnosed spouse (still trying to get a proper diagnosis) with inattentive type ADHD. This year has been the hardest, our 17 year old is severe, and after much chaos and crisis...>>> on Forum topic - Just getting started
-
by: J -
Just looked it up "To avoid accountability for their own bad behavior." "To control the victim’s behavior." A. I'm not a victim B. My reality is just fine. It is bad behavior. End of story>>> on Forum topic - Being Objective and Identifying the Battle
-
by: J -
This is just an observation in connection to my last comment. Making more connections and observations as I go... Why? I'm right back to square one again. Avoidant Attachment...distancing behavior. Last night, it happened again. This time, I was paying attention ( in real time ) as this behavior unfolded. We'd spent two days at home together and even I was getting a little cabin fever and asked if she wanted to go somewhere and get out of the house. The answer was no : "I want to stay in ( my ) house"....>>> on Forum topic - Being Objective and Identifying the Battle
-
by: Swedish coast -
It sounds to me like none of your ADD family members have tried stimulants (for my child life-changing for the better)? Have they had extensive work ups? As a health care professional in another field I'm aware that one is never very professional with family or friends. In your situation I'd avoid getting involved at all as psychologist but to leave all evaluation and treatment to other experts. With your knowledge I'm sure you can find the best help available. In my family it's been the mental health...>>> on Forum topic - Just getting started
-
by: winter white -
Oh yes, so many patterns from my own childhood that came into play once I became so burnt out. Now, instead of using all the tools i had developed to manage those patterns and behaviours, it's like we're fighting them too. Chronic stress is an awful awful condition to live under. I want to do better by him as well, like the book says.....and I can’t when I’m playing defence. I am away now, at a hotel and having a spa treatment soon. My intention for this break is new though, thanks to Swedish Coast -- it...>>> on Forum topic - Progress but hope-less with young family
Learn to thrive in your relationship
Upcoming seminars & support groups
Learn the dynamics of ADHD relationships. Our Live Couples' Seminar starts on Jan 22, 2025! Register HERE!
Looking for a little more support? Join one of our Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups. First support group starts on Jan 13, 2025. Find all our support group options HERE.
Turn your knowledge into actionable steps to improve your relationship. Sign up here and join our Intent-to-Action Membership Program.
The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.
Register for free marriage tips here!
"Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."
Free Treatment E-Book
