All of us have bad days sometimes…even bad months or longer. I’m having one right now that has to do with my negative feelings about the impact of my husband’s job in our lives. The problem is, my responses are making things worse. As always, you can learn from my mistakes - in this case about how NOT to approach your partner.
The issue is a common one – his job is taking so much time and energy that he has little energy or attention left for his family. This has been going on for a while now, and is starting to feel very urgent to me. Our growing lack of connection and time together is hurting our relationship, and I fear that if it’s not addressed, it will continue to do so. Unfortunately, responding to fear can lead to some bad decisions…and I’ve been responding to fear about where we are going more and more lately.
Last night was a classic. I do have something important to say – I cherish our relationship and hate to see it stressed. But, while my husband isn’t happy in the overall (having a crazy schedule combined with a wife who is complaining can make it hard to feel on top of the world,) he’s not ready to change what he’s doing.
I feel between a rock and a hard place…I can see the damage that’s happening but I’m not in charge of changing it. (A similar lack of power to when you see the toll that unmanaged ADHD symptoms are taking on your relationship, but aren’t the one in charge of treatment.) But to push and push sets me up for failure – the harder I push the more depressed and resistant my husband becomes. This is the exact opposite of the direction I'm trying to go in. Furthermore, the more I restate my concerns, the less flexible he becomes. Rather than saying “I can see you’re distressed, let’s brainstorm some ideas” he responds “I don’t see how I can change that.” Digging in is a reflexive response to too much pressure.
I would do well to follow the advice I give to my seminar participants – understand that your power to change things comes from lobbying…and like a lobbyist you must approach your partner with his or her interests, opinions, and specific situation in mind as well as your own. Rather than focus on my complaint (over and over again) I would be better served to focus on the opportunities and shared dreams we are missing…to remind him that he and I both want the same things. That when we have time for each other we can be great together…I can even serve both of our needs by placing my emphasis on doing, rather than complaining. Rather than insist he listen to my fears, for example, I can insist that he join me for some fun on the weekend so we can laugh together again. There's no better way to reinforce what's out there if we reach for it by making creating more time together a priority.
Want to see what I did instead? Go to this Psychology Today post, Five Ways NOT to Get Your Partner's Attention. And, yes, I did all five last night. You can bet I’ll be apologizing today.
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Urgent Feelings
So glad you were brave enough to share this. I keep trying and feel like I'm just giving more and more ground. Here's to better days ahead.:)
Very Timely Post
Hi Melissa,
Sounds like we had the same kind of week :(, but from opposite perspectives.
No matter how much I improve, the demands of my job are eviscerating me, and I hate it. As a teacher, lesson planning and correcting continue to take over my life, 15 years after I started this position. I would say that I don't know WTF is wrong with me, except that I do; I have ADHD, and it won't just go away and leave me alone. I am trying so hard to keep up with my job, my house, and find time for my husband and kids. It is utterly impossible! I can't quit, can't afford to work part-time, and can't afford a housekeeper. My husband is taking it SO personally that I have not managed to find more time to spend with him, even though he has said to me that my ADHD symptoms are "under control." I don't enjoy doing the blah chores that people with ADHD tend to avoid, but I do them, and that's apparently not enough. Seriously, I wish he would check out the complaints spouses have on this site so he would get some freakin' perspective on how hard I work. SOMEHOW, I am supposed to "accept my ADHD," something my husband has said he does and thinks I need to do, and yet I'm not supposed to exhibit any signs of it, like my WORST SYMPTOM, time management. I don't know how to balance my life. I'm so much better than I was, in this and many other ways, and my friends and family have remarked upon it repeatedly, and yet this one giant albatross remains (there are others, but this one is the one that affects me the most these days). I want to spend time with him. I will say that when he complains, it does make me feel like he does not get how much it disheartens me, like I am a failure. It makes me feel like he is completely blind to my guilt, exhaustion, stress, as concerns how I spend time with him and the kids. This makes me very angry because I am trying very hard. I just don't know what to do. We had a giant blow out this week over some time management issues , and it was in front of the kids, and it was awful. We basically have said almost nothing to each other in the past several days. His approach is to nag me, rant at me about how much he does for the relationship, or freeze me out. Wow! That's so helpful, honey! My time-management issues are cured!!! The 30 minutes of arguing helped me fold that load of laundry so well! Now I can sleep so much better, and then I will be even MORE productive tomorrow. Hooray!!! Thanks for nothing!!!
He has this completely erroneous idea in his head that I would RATHER being in my office at home instead of spending time with him. NOT TRUE!!! I don't want to be doing as much work as I have been doing. I want to be doing less. It sucks and I am so goddamn frustrated with this and his reaction to it just about sends me over the edge and greatly increases my anxiety. The thing of it is, I UNDERSTAND why he is upset. I have apologized for hurting him. I just don't know how to resolve this issue, or I would have by now... I wish he would get it through his skull that this is not personal and that we are actually on the same page. Have I mentioned that I'm frustrated beyond the telling of it :(.
ADHDMomof2
Addendum to Original Post
Sorry for my angry rant. It is just not easy sometimes being married to someone who sees my progress and yet is always trying to "upgrade" me. It makes me feel unaccepted and unloved :(. I'm not a project. I'm his wife. Sigh...
ADHDMomof2
"upgrades"
Your expression of your feelings and your sense that your partner is trying to upgrade you need to be said and I think you explained it very well. Non-ADHD partners (including myself) need to be reminded of just how much work it takes to keep life in check when ADHD is on board. To be brutally honest, when I am at my worst with my husband he will also tell me that my complaints make him feel as if I don't accept him. (Yes, though our marriage is good, there are still some bad days... I didn't learn this stuff by being an angel all the time...:-) The good news is that we now have the ability to get these feelings out, discuss them, adjust, and move on in a better direction.
The issue for couples (not just the ADHD partners) is that there are some things that simply can't be missing from a relationship if it is going to be strong...or even continue. One of those things is "attend time." What happens when you don't get it (because partners are too busy or too tired or whatever) is that you fall into patterns of resentment and desire for change. You feel as if there is nothing "good" because the only reinforcement you get is distance and problems. It's hard to feel like partners - and act like partners - when you aren't much connected.
The amount of time you spend with someone is an absolute. You are either there and engaged, or you aren't. Each relationship has a minimum amount needed for survival (varies from couple to couple.) It's fair to talk with your partner about what the two of you need - and when you need it. Some people need lots of time, while others are deeply moved by a tired "good night honey" each evening combined with some snuggle time and kind words.
You asked for some ideas about your situation and I would like to suggest these:
This is a particularly trying time of year for teachers, I think...hang in there. And let us know how this moves forward.
In response to "upgrade"
Hi Melissa,
Thank you for your kind and genuine response. You are right that we do need time to connect. I'm working on the "how."
In response to your bulleted points:
Thanks!
ADHDMomof2
Going in Right Direction
It definitely sounds as if you are going in the right direction, and I applaud you. Keep it up...!
If you are not a fast typist, you might try dictation software (or perhaps your phone???) for writing down the details of your classes and questions. If my phone is any indication, the software is getting a lot more accurate...and it would be fast.
Keep up the kid delegation! For the most part, I think I was a great mom BUT I definitely did not shell out enough work to the rest of the family. They STILL all think I"m the household slave, and my youngest is 20. If I had a do-over, I would certainly fix that...and am in the process of trying to do so right now in the adult stage.
I would say that you need to talk about the "bad wife" idea in general (not just because he said it in front of the kids). If he won't apologize, you would be well served to forgive him and move on (so you aren't held hostage by your resentment) but make the general topic one that gets pursued in a calm moment or with a therapist some day. It seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face to know you want to spend more time with him but remain angry so you don't get to.
Upgrade
I agree --- making an agreement that can't keep is devastating so make it carefully. So both of you need to know what your core values are -- how much share time do each of you need to feel healthy, how much alone or "space" time do each of you need? My daughter hates it when I'm late. It's core for her. I've learned that if I think I will be home at 4 I tell my daughter 5 to be safe. I also try to give her at least 15 minutes of nurture time daily and 2-4 hours on the weekend. This time is not homework/housework or exercise or anything else that's "good for you". It's making instant cookies or reading a book together or a bike ride for fun. I'm trying to find a way to get a house cleaner at least 2x a month. I love the idea of Google Docs. One of the things I have learned is that I don't have to plan a long event for my daughter to appreciate the time I spent with her. A trip to gawk at the fish tanks at the mall for 1/2 hour makes her day just as much as a trip to the theatre. I agree with Melissa. Sounds like you're well on your way. We can't build it in a day even if we do want instant fixes! :)
Hi Momof2, your posts have
What has changed in the past year? Stream-of-consciousness post
"How are things going these days?" is a broad question, so I wanted to make a proper analysis when I could devote the time to it :).
Disclaimer: I am too tired to organize this though, but the paragraphs are short, so hopefully, it's not too painful to read.
My husband and I are definitely closer than we were a year ago. Our fights just don't last as long. I think he understands me better, and I him. I think our conversations are more frequently respectful. He doesn't try to change me as often-but old habits die hard. Every time he says "I'm trying to HELP you," it is a trigger and I have to take deep breaths. Sometimes help is good, and other times, it is toxic. I tell him what I need and don't need more often, and I feel more confident in telling him either. He used think his way was better all the time, but now I tell him if his ideas don't work with my brain and why. He gets this. I feel more respected, so it is easier for me to listen to him when his advice is sage. I don't feel like he is controlling as often. He, for his part, has pointed out situations where I am controlling; and he is right. We fight for more reasons than my ADHD; we are both stubborn people by nature.
The time-management issue is still ever present, but continues to improve. Looking back at my old post really helps me gain perspective. I think in the moment, so it's hard for me to have a big picture of what my life has been like for the past year.
I have dropped some non-essential tasks from my workload to save my sanity and have no regrets. My thyroid med has also helped clear out the fog a bit more (biochemically, I am super sensitive and complex, much like the rest of me), which has made me more efficient. I wish I had more free time in the evenings. My mom chores take too long, and my kids have sports, and I have school work to do. I do delegate better than a year ago, and my son clears the table easily with the help of his app. I am organized enough for the first time in my life to regularly enforce that my children pick up the crap they leave all over the house. That is a BIG DEAL for me. It means I have the house under control to the point I can actually see the forest for the trees and know what they have to do. Before it was all visual clutter, and I ended up picking up their messes after (and if) I ever finished picking up my own.
I still do feel like most of my friends have WAY more time than I do. I still need more sleep, which is a function of me not being optimally efficient. Even so, I can't ignore or diminish what I have accomplished since I last posted on this forum topic. As I always do, I WILL FIND A WAY to continue my momentum. My mom always used to say that I always find a way, especially when I would get frustrated, overwhelmed, and have meltdowns from working so hard as a student and consequently being completely sleep-deprived. I remind myself of how right she was when I get down on myself.
I have been through some dark times with my husband. For several years, he wanted out, showed our house to a realtor and acted like he hated me. It was awful. I was so sad, it was hard to get through the day, and forget sleeping through the night. It was so much more painful by virtue of the fact we have children. We are not completely out of the woods yet, but we are moving in the right direction. I would still like to spend more time with him and with my kids.
Last weekend, I did something I never do on a Sunday: I decided that I needed more time outdoors with my kids, took a long run, and took a leisurely bath. It was a turning point. I didn't let chores own me, and I felt SO GOOD from being outside, relaxing, and hanging out with my family. I felt less stressed, and that helped my efficiency and my mood. I have to post this so I can remember what I did right and differently. Learning from your actions when you have ADHD doesn't just mean not repeating mistakes; it also means remembering what you did well so you can do it again. That is equally important.
:-)
Momof2 - Thanks
Thanks so much for sharing the changes you have gone through...and BRAVA for taking the time for yourself, as well. We all need this - the tyranny of chores and our super-fast lives must be fought against. Keep up the very good progress and, again, thanks for making this process real for those who read your words.
Thank you for your kindness, Melissa.
Thank you, Melissa, for validating my efforts. It is often truly difficult for me to see and appreciate the big picture of the long-term until I start writing. It is a vehicle for me to remember and understand. I love that you describe domestic drudgery as the "tyranny of chores." It has amused me all day long as a perfect summary. It really can be a tyrant that takes over my life. I've been on vacation and have been intentionally outside a lot this week; I think what is said about green time and ADHD is true. Perhaps it's the vitamin D and sunlight, but whatever it is, it works! I don't miss winter, especially after the one we've had!
I hope you are doing well and are healthy and fully recovered.
Off to battle the kitchen and mountains of laundry. My app is my sword! :)
ADHDMomof2
Thank You ADHDMOMof2 for Your Validation.....
of Me as well. I really am trying to stay focused on the things I need to do right now, but I realized I had some unfinished business here on the forum just this morning and that had to do with you and all the things you've said here.
I just recently read some of your older posts (looking for something you said earlier) including the new ones...... and without going into it for everyone else understanding right now........I had that funny feeling like I somehow knew you? I realized that what I knew was your experiences (in your life), the feelings and thoughts that you have (even now) and in a very real, nuts and bolts kind of way.....we are the same in an a kind of uncanny ( weird and scarey way) in simply how we think about things and approach life.
Another way to put this and could be said in this way......If you added up all the qualities (that I see when I read your posts) you have as a person ie: stubborn, march to your own drummer, look to yourself for answers, not let life get in your way and stop you from doing amazing things and accomplishments, steadfastness in your resolve to get to what you want out or life, and unwillingness to compromise yourself but at the same time...... a willingness to look at yourself and see what you need to do better and improve without settling which comes from a fire inside you that shows whether anyone else sees this or not....
This is what I see, because I recognize these things in myself for the same reasons you have them too. I believe that these qualities DO come with having ADHD or you and I would not be so much alike. I'm saying now (here) at the risk of sounding conceited or over confident which, I am fundamentally not....I struggle with insecurity and lack of confidence on a daily basis however.... I also don't need to say these things about myself to anyone because I already own them and I have no need to boast or brag. In that much....I am very confident in myself in saying...... what I lack at times when my wife and I are struggling is to hear it just once in while to make sure I'm not slipping or losing these things from time to time....that IS my own insecurity talking when I start feeling the need to be validated by others and don't really need to hear it any more including from my wife but......
it is really is nice to hear once in a while. Life would be rather pointless if you were doing everything only for yourself all the time and even if you are giving without strings attached......it's still nice to hear occasionally that people appreciate them too.
The thing that I admire most about what you have said is the one place that I have failed miserably despite having the same qualities you do.......and that is in the compromising of myself part ( the co-dependent part that appears lacking in your stories ) It does appear that you have not succumbed to this out a need to be validated from another person nearly to the level that I have in my past if this is true (or even to a lesser degree ?) It is the one place where I have struggled the most in my past but at this point......it does not appear to exist any more or at least.....is no longer a problem. Thank God for that one!
I also know that my own anger at times has got the best of me which is what brought me here in the first place.... but I do think you need to have a little anger at times in order to keep the fire burning......just not letting it get in the way or in compromising yourself to it. I'm learning all the time that this is the trick.
Anyway....I had these thoughts and felt it was important for me to share them with you as a way of confirming you and giving you the same validation that is nice to hear for myself on occasion.
WARNING: Please DO NOT validate me right now.....I'm not fishing!!! ( feeling a little uncomfortable about talking this up but at the same time....still thinking these things need to be said anyway) That goes for anyone else.......thank you lol
So (LOL).......Thank You for validating Me at the same time when you make the posts you make to this forum. I've found them to be an inspiration for myself and a model to use for motivation. No really!! lol
That's all :)
J
Awwwww...thanks :)
Hi J,
You know, I think you hit on something here. You mentioned earlier how your mom raised you and that you were always raised to put others first. It's funny, my mom was the same, but I think I (shame-faced here) take more after my Asperger father in the sense of being unaware or thinking of myself more than I care to admit. Dealing with my severe ADHD and time-management issues, I do what I can to get better, but I think I need to be more like you and try to think of others AT THE SAME TIME. I am bad about calling people back, setting up dates with my husband (me initiating, instead of him), ME initiating spending time together, and he complains that I don't initiate these things. In my silly little head, I think I'm doing better because I agree to spend time with him, because I'm pushing my to-do list to the side to do it, and because I enjoy it. I am so myopic, though.
My point (which is completely backwards, by the way), is that YOU might be a bit co-dependent and rely more heavily on the opinions of others, BUT that's not all bad. I could stand to be a bit more like that. My stubbornness and self-reliance have helped me as much as they have hurt me. I grew up hearing how bad my stubbornness was, realized as an adult it was a tool for self-improvement, but also now realize I perhaps need to be MORE affected by the opinion of others than I am. There is a balance, I think, between you and me. I want to know how to be less selfish, like you. I am often sometimes SO HYPERFOCUSED on getting better and improving my ADHD for the long-term goal of have better relationships, that I can't see the forest for the trees and I ruin today.
I, too, (in real life) would be reluctant to list my accomplishments. But behind a screen, no one knows who I am ;).
If you have any advice on how to be more selfless while in the pursuit of improved ADHD symptoms, I'm all ears.
ADHDMomof2
Backwards (LOL) I love it!
I was thinking about the co-dependence thing yesterday and I came up with this (pretty easily now).....If you are forced to hear how bad you are (in the usual sense about the usual suspects with ADHD)...and then not allowed to speak your mind or dissent in any way which was the case with me.....what do you think would be the outcome in that case? I was forced by some pretty strict punishment or the back of my fathers hand, to keep my mouth shut and not say anything....ever! You get trained (conditioned) to take just about anything other people throw at you and believe that you don't deserve any better. Not so hard to figure out eh?
One of the most damaging sound bytes I carried around with me most of life " if you keep being this way....no one is going to like you." Which was my parents way of saying "I don't like you either." ha ha
I'm laughing because I realized later as an adult that this statement at the time was sort of ass backwards itself. What they were really saying at those times was " we don't like how stubborn you are because you are not obeying us!!"...but instead, I took that in, in a literal way....of course. I see this now as a kind of back handed compliment. pun intended! lol
The other one that my Mom used to say all the time to me was " you can't do that"....which I pretty quickly (even when I was pretty little) figured out that this was her saying " I would never be able to do that myself and it scares me to death! " It only made me do whatever it was more and meant to me at the time.."hmmmm.... any time she says you can't do that is my Que to DO THAT and prove her wrong." Which was my way of being passive aggressive, enjoying myself immensely while doing it and proving to myself I could do most anything if I really tried.....all rolled into one. lol more stubbornness!
So in weird ass backwards mix of insecurity, passive aggressive self survival and a wanting to do the right thing ( instead of what I was experiencing )....I did the opposite thing for the wrong reasons in some cases ....and the wrong thing for the right reasons in other cases and it still came out Okay the majority of the time? If that makes any sense? It's all backwards but it makes sense to me! lol
So I guess.....I had to reverse these things and change them around by doing the right thing for the right reasons but still had learned to do them well enough the other way.....(the back wards way) so I didn't completely lose my mind along the way. LOL
So if you picture your son....and add yourself (the stubborn part ) under these conditions you might get a better idea of why we are different in these areas. I'm thinking I would have probably turned out more like you if this had not been the case.....
I've always been optimistic though.....I lived on optimism and survived by being positive or I wouldn't have survived but I guess that boils down to wanting to do the right thing more than the wrong one at the end of the day whenever I hit that intersection in the road?
Yeah.....and that time thing. OUCH! We share that one too:)
PS.....another word for stubborn = WILL......that's the fire
J
Melissa - thanks
Thank you for your realness. We are going through this with you. Hopefully we are providing a broad perspective on the various faces of ADD/ADHD in our marriage stories.
urgent feelings
Being on both sides of the fence -- as I have ADHD and with a partner whose ADHD is VERY different from mine. It's very difficult to not take the break downs as PERSONAL. I think the DESPERATION sends us into that response--response pattern that destroys the relationship. Sometimes the desperation is from feeling ignored from my partner. Sometimes the desperation is my "spinning" because I don't know how to fix me whether its what to do next or less perfectionism or overwhelmed by exhaustion from everything takes me longer than my peers. (Love the book ADHD by Zoe!!!) I would love to find something that would tell me how to be aware when the "desperation" is building ( what are the physical cues?) so I can "pause" and then look at a list that can be made ahead of time to "guide" me to another pathway other than yelling at my boyfriend/finance (sometimes he is and sometimes he doesn't even remember making the proposal!) or climbing back to bed in tears because I can't make a decision. I would suppose I would need different lists for the two different desperations. (when I'm frustrated with him vs when I'm frustrated with me) Does anyone have some mantras to repeat that could calm? I need something that can keep me from "taking it personally." What are others doing? How to allow myself the feelings but not blame anyone? Sorry so long. I tried to fix some of the run on jumpy sentences. I guess I should go find my meds...........
Melissa...Thanks for exposing your humanity;)
Love the last paragraph of your post...One other thing I've found helpful and count as helpful when my wife addresses my life style is for her to approach me with questions concerning my feelings about how I view the effects vs her stating her feelings about a subject like they were mine also...
C
ADHDMOMof2 Some Thoughts to Your Questions...
About being more selfless? I had some time to process (lol) a little...as I do....and it occurred to me, based on what you said.....that I am the same way in the things you mentioned too. Getting singularly (hyperfocused) or myopic at times, in self improvement. It is where the amazing things come from without a doubt, including the appearance of being selfish or self absorbed.....I've struggled here too. I think the key word in what you said was.....Balance.
It was interesting that you mentioned the Martial Arts that your are into. I took some Karate classes for a brief time when I was younger but never pursued it to the level that you appear to have taken it. ( is there a belt with a (-) attached to it....no color?...perhaps clear, made of Seran Wrap? ha ha) Anyway...the concept of having a foundation of mental , spiritual and physical balance and finding your Ki came to mind ( and the philosophy that comes with it).
Your question forced me to think about this for a while.....and even though I may not have come up with any ground breaking discovery or revelation for you.....I did remember something that I have always known about myself (or at least for a very long time).....and that is my propensity for being INCONSISTANT. This being opposed to being EITHER / OR ? I think there is something in here that is important to think about once you apply the concept of Ki?
I thought about what you were saying about being Myopic and I am not any different in that way but.....instead of being either/or in my inconsistency (all or nothing)....I tend to be more cyclical......saying, both are a pattern so to speak, but mine tends to run a circle around balance instead of swinging back and forth across the middle. I find myself not so much always thinking about others or all the things I need to be doing at the same time either....but if you think about a circle...or going from one to the other in a constant motion like the hands on a clock....I can be a little of everything in one revolution around but still get stuck at certain times in my hyper focusing at different times ( the numbers on the dial ) before I move my way around? If that makes sense?
Ideally.....it would be best to stay right in the middle (or be centered)...which is really where my struggle has always been. when I'm stressed or things aren't going well.....my circle (or cycle) gets bigger and bigger (moving further away from center)...which means I have to tighten it up some to get closer to balance but......I still wouldn't say I think about everything at the same time just like you.
But....at times when I'm really stressed or there in emotional conflict or turmoil.....that's when the circle breaks up and I start to swing back and forth and begin to lose site of everything else except for maybe one or two things at one time. So what I'm saying is....this has always been my pattern (naturally) even when I was little with no awareness of it or control to it. You might say it was well rounded...but not very centered if that makes sense? Shades of grey...never black or white except at the times I mentioned?
So if you apply hyper focus to both models in the way I just described....it can get you stuck either way, but they are different from each other.....hands of a clock (or a sphere)...or ...back and forth? 3 dimensional vs 2 dimensional? I even see things (visually) in 3 dimensions without much effort...but I think this way too ( naturally). I don't not where this comes from or why this is but....I do think it has something to do with what you were talking about. If this doesn't make any sense don't feel bad......I confuse myself all the time!! lol
Maybe better just to apply Ki here and leave it at that! LOL
PS....I'm not linear and struggle to be this way even though I can force myself to switch over. Best mathematical description for me would be PHI = 1.618033999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999........................
or "you can't get there from here"......either way! LOL
J