My new book is about to be released, and it contains a significant section on overcoming “obstacle emotions” that keep you from improving your relationship (anger, fear, denial and hopelessness). I’ve reprinted a very small portion of that section here for those who feel mired in anger. This section is about the “myths” I sometimes hear people fall victim to about the “usefulness” or justification for their anger.
Six Dangerous Myths About Anger and ADHD
“If you are a non-ADHD partner, you may be having trouble envisioning how you might be able to overcome your anger. If so, you may be falling victim to these destructive myths about anger and ADHD:
Myth #1– I Can’t Help It – My Spouse Drives Me To It
Sure you can! There is no doubt that your spouse’s ADHD symptoms can create a huge burden. But as Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger points out, anger is the result of our taking too much responsibility for our spouse’s feelings and reactions and not enough responsibility for our own life. You can address the root causes of anger in your relationship by giving back the responsibility for fixing ADHD to the partner who has it, while at the same time taking charge of your own happiness again. You can also train yourself to express your anger in positive and useful ways.
It can be scary to give back the responsibility for ADHD to an ADHD partner whom you suspect is incapable of successfully navigating that responsibility. Hopefully, you are beginning to see that the non-ADHD spouse can’t “fix” a partner’s ADHD no matter how much she might wish to. Although scary, the only real choice is to have the ADHD spouse responsible for his or her issues and you responsible for your own. You can (and should) be loving and supportive, and can give the “gift” of assistance when appropriate, as long as you are not the one responsible. But as soon as you feel you “must” take certain things on and don’t really want to, resentment and anger will follow.
Myth #2– My Anger Will Force Him to Change
No it won’t – it hasn’t so far. The things that you are angry about are the result of dealing with ADHD symptoms, which take time, effort and support to manage. You can scare an ADHD person into changing temporarily, but you can’t force it to last. You win the battle, but lose the war. Nature’s response to anger is defensiveness and more anger. The poisonous environment that anger creates is just the opposite from the supportive/safe environment that an ADHD person needs in order to be successful. Not only will your anger not force him to change, it will virtually assure that he can’t.
Myth #3– He Deserves It
Anger is a sign that things are out of balance, and this can (and should) serve as a signal that things must change. On the other hand, verbal abuse, screaming, belittling, shutting down and shutting out are forms of punishment and bullying. No one “deserves” to be punished by their spouse.
Myth #4 – “Getting it All Out” Will Make Me Feel Better
Releasing a short burst of anger can be an effective way to release bad feelings. But we’re not talking about a short burst of anger. We’re talking about pervasive, “can’t get it out of my system” anger. And the reason that releasing the anger doesn’t make you feel better over time is that the underlying reason why you are angry has to do with how you are both reacting to ADHD symptoms and how you are interacting as a couple. If you don’t fix the problem (and by “problem” I mean your joint ability to deal with symptoms and each other) releasing anger won’t make either of you feel better…it will just repeatedly return and make you both feel worse.
Myth #5 – If I Feel Hopeless, I Should Disconnect
You may be utterly exhausted, but disconnection isn’t the solution. Although some claim it is the only way to bear the pain, the downside is that the pain is still there. And disconnection never makes a good marriage. Don’t disconnect, seek help.
Myth #6– If I Deny My ADHD, The Problems Will Go Away
No. ADHD is built into your body. The symptoms will persist until you deal with them effectively with treatment, preferably with multi-pronged approach.”
Reprinted from The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps by Melissa Orlov, copyright 2010.
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Comments
Thank You
Melissa,
The last thing I should do is post on this forum, I am going against my commitment to my wife about us giving each other space because she could read this.
I just want to say thank you for writing what you have written, there is so much anger on not just her part but also my part. We are both doing the only thing we know how and that is not working very well, that is my fault. I have finally agreed to give her the time and space she needs to work through her trying to find herself. It has not been easy and for whatever reason I haven't able to do it when she has been asking me to do all along. It has taken over a month to get my medications in balance and I think my psychiatrist and I are very close. The Concertta mixed with the Clonazepam has been life changing in the last 3 -5 days. I can finally get some balance and keep my emotions under check, and starting thinking about my future. I am the ADHD partner, and it hurts me that I have caused so much anger.
I won't be following up on this post, I just wanted to say thank you and I do hope somehow both of us can now start the process of getting past some of the anger, I know it will take a lot longer then I had hoped, I also understand it may never happen.
New Beginning for robinshusband
Thanks for taking a chance and posting your "thank you." It's always great to hear the beginning of a turn around story. And I think that you may have the opportunity to be at a new beginning if you can both hang in there and approach your issues from the new perspective of having ADHD be a factor. It's hard to come to grips with the extent that ADHD affects your partner, but once you do, and once you start to effectively treat it, life can really change for the better.
Remember as you go through this that good intentions are not the same thing as actions that communicate a positive message. Most likely you'll start to feel more pulled together, and you will intend to do things that help, but you won't yet have the systems in place to support you as fully as you want. It takes time and effort to create the external structures that will help you stay organized, help you find new ways to constructively talk with your wife, etc. So actively seek out these new ways and experiment together on what makes things better (and, yes, there is specific advice on that in my upcoming book but there are also other resources - see the books in my resource section, particularly the Tuckman and Ratey books.)
Don't forget to ask your wife what changes in your relationship would be most meaningful to her. Out of all the things you can work on, why not work on something that's really important to her and sends a signal that you are listening to her pain and needs?
Good luck with it.
To be honest
Find Yourself
Ned Hallowell once gave me very good advice - in essence don't think about a specific outcome, think about making yourself whole. He said "don't think about saving your marriage, bring yourself to a happier place and see what happens." The idea of "marriage" can have a lot of baggage attached to it that people aren't aware of. Your challenge now is to bring yourself to a place in which you like yourself better and are acting as the good person you wish to be. Also, you will have a relationship with your wife forever due to having kids together, so think about cultivating that relationship so that it is good, respectful, thoughtful and, yes, attentive within the boundaries of what she is interested in.
It's a good path even though the situation is a bad one (I'm an optimist - I believe that people don't want to be self-centered but that when they "find" themselves there is a core element of selflessness in it, along with being a good person).
Exactly What I'm doing - It just took awhile
Melissa,
That is exactly what I'm doing, my wife kept/keeps telling me I don't get it and even though I think I do I get "more" of it each day. My counselor and therapist are telling me exactly the same thing, and that is to make myself whole. I wasn't able to really start doing that until late last week, part of the reason is we are in a 30 day hiatus from discussing anything with our relationship. We've been able to do it some but not 100% on either part. I'm very proud I'm now starting that process. One of the most difficult things for me to do is to stop thinking about saving my marriage, I know I can't be the only one to save it. If it is to be saved then it will be both of us who do that, as a result of both of us getting whole again. I do know I can start healing and making myself better, in the process of healing myself I also have to find out if the marriage can be a healthy one for all of us, my wife and children. I pray it will be, but that something I can't control.
It seems to go against everything that an ADHD person has been accused of there entire life but I now do have to think about myself...strange how thinking about myself for 20 years got me here and it seems to be the only thing that can get me whole either...go figure.
I so wish you were my therapist, I'm not sure he really gets the "ADHD" thing. I've had 12-14 sessions with no diagnosis. My psychiatrist diagnosed me in 20 minutes and started me on Concerta and and another drug to kick in about 3:00, now he has me taking anxiety meds 3 times per day to balance out the Concerta. It is working wonders.
Introduce Your Therapist to ADHD
If you have a diagnosis of ADHD from a psychiatrist then your therapist needs to be taking that into account. If he/she isn't doing so, find a new therapist. It's too big a part of what you are going through to be ignored in therapy. CHADD has lists of folks familiar with ADHD and your psychiatrist will also probably know people in the area who are good.
I do work with couples as a marriage consultant, but generally work with both members of the couple simultaneously as that works best for what I do.
Again, Thanks Melissa
Melissa,
My therapist has made some progress with me. I have a tremendous amount of difficulty with being abandoned by my mother when I was 8 years old, add to that my adoptive mother was never home when I was a child and I've never had a father figure teach me how to love a woman. My "safety net" has always been having the ability to "manage" (most would say control) things around me in order to protect me from that feeling of being abandoned, when I had that abandoned or not needed feeling my ADHD would find other obsessions to fill that void...to protect me. I thought I was over it 23 years ago when I went through a few sessions during college. Only did I learn a few weeks ago that I associated my wife wanting time and space and to be left alone accompanied with no time line of working on our issues or even knowing if she wanted to work on them as the same as me being abandoned, this was devastating to me. In the last several days I've come to grips with this and now am preparing for my future by learning to discover what makes me happy, if I'm happy then others around me can be happy. I was not happy in my old world of finding "things" to replace the "love" I needed. I know what it is but if others can't be a part of that, or they prevent me from having that balance then that is something I feel will have to be worked on or I'll have to figure out how to put those things behind me. By no means am I making permanent decisions, but what I feel like I'm doing is preparing myself so when the time does come for that I am in a better place to do it. I know I can be a better man, spouse and father, I feel this is what my wife is trying to do also, I hope she is having success with this as well...I really do. I love her very much and want to spend the rest of my life in a relationship with her that makes us both happy, I know neither of us can go back to the way it was. I "believe" (my new tattoo says as much) we can do that, she can do that. But I also "believe" if she can't then in time I will be whole and happiness will soon follow.
My therapist is telling me his is trying to gather complete info so he can make sure his diagnosis is "complete" and not limited to just the ADHD (shouldn't 16 sessions be enough?) In the last week between the drugs and having to put my feelings aside in order to help my friend whose father died (she found out while we were working on a project) I was able to understand better what was going on in my head and get myself back to a place where I can think clearly. It is so refreshing and exciting to not have this heavy cloud over me all day long. Anymore the smallest thing no longer breaks me down, I feel when I do have to deal with my wife I can do so in a productive non threatening way. Now granted it has only been a few days and I'm afraid she can't see this calmness but the good thing is I see it and feel it.
My therapist told me yesterday when I had to change into the caregiver instead of the one being cared for by my friend it put things in perspective, I all of a sudden had to comfort and put her needs first, who she had been doing this for me for the last two months. Just so it is clear, she works with me and is happily married. There is nothing between us but a great friendship, she is also ADD so it helps us working on these things together.
I don't know if this makes sense, but now with the anxiety lifted due to drugs and a better frame of mind I feel like the ADHD meds are really working. My last several days at work have been incredibly productive, I'm getting a good nights sleep, and can actually think for moments what life might be like if things go the way I want or the way I don't want. Either way, I know I can be happy.
I "believe!"
I am in your boat
I am going through some of the same stuff as you. I never felt I was the one with ADHD because I was the organized planner and she was the dreamer who couldn't remember(or just chose not to do them) chores, bills, or other 'fun' stuff that needs to be done to keep a home working. However, I might be inflicted with a bit of emotional ADHD instead. I have come to grips with the fact that my wife needs space and time to figure her life out, and that I may not be a part of her future. It hurts so bad to think that she is basing her opinion of me on just a few snapshots during a very stressful time in our marriage, and even misperceiving some of those memories to portray me as a monster. I had to let go of my expectations that I would have an equal partner in some of the aspects of our marriage and home, and out of nowhere she started to be involved in those aspects. I also had to come to the realization that I loved my wife so much and wanted her to be happy, even if that meant it was me being miserable for not being a part of her life. I recognized the husband and father I want to be, and my relationship with my children has blossomed in a short time. I hope that the results will apply to my marriage, but the ball is in her court! There has been no deal-breakers yet (even with some of the hurtful and hateful things she has said about me) as far as I am concerned. I wish I could speak for her though.
yes but
It sounds so true, but ....
And the but is that I am suffering from depression as a result of years in this mess (to use a polite word), we've been married over 20 years, with only a diagnostic for the past couple of years at most. And I keep crashing back into my depression, despite being very well managed 'chemically'. Like my psychiatrist says meds only go that far. Being so depressed, I really don't like enough about myself to make myself whole again. A host of recommended activities of self care, just don't work for me, I either like the motivation or the concentration for it. The only thing I can do these days is taking walks early morning, and yet I have found myself coming back sometimes so worked up over the mess of my life that I am literally dangerous to be around until I've taken meds to calm down. I am at the point where my question is "where or where is the hope?"
Sad and weary.
yes but
Have you tried zinc for depression. It does make a difference.
Anger definitely opened the eyes of my ADHD husband
In the beginning, when we faced troubles in our relationship and my partner walked over me against my wishes, I was very calm and patient with him. I talked normal to him and tried to let him see how it made me feel. I've had communication classes during my education and I brought all the correct ways to interact in our relationship, although I tried. The problem was, that at that time, my partner had very much difficulty with empathy. If he had broken my trust or some sort then I wanted to make him see how it hurt me with correct words. His responses were NONE, ZERO. At some point I started getting really angry about him telling me a huge amount of lies and I yelled, cried and started to rant in an angry way. My partner was shocked at some times, because it is totally out of character. And he could SEE how I was feeling and what his actions had done to me. When he feels that way his natural response is to shout, place negative comments and raise his voice and curse. I think it clicked because he recognized how I felt. We are now communicating better than before and there is no need for me to yell and shout. But it was absolutely necessary that I unconsciously 'mirrored' him. I think that if I had had my temper in check our whole relationship that we weren't together anymore.
Greetings from the Netherlands
But that won't work for long
It's true that anger, etc. can get attention for a short time.
But it's not a good long term strategy. It's dysfunctional, it causes other damage, and it will lose its effect before long.
Very true it won't last for long!
The anger may subside for a time but seems to be a seething monster at the next infraction.. then when yelling and screaming don't work it turns in to physical gestures.. then to the wondrous physical abuse.. Been there several times... inability to understand and communicate coupled with massive emotions that don't just dissapear can and will erupt like a bad volcano.. Sherrif has pictures, family and friends have intervened and heaven help you if a Bi-polar meets ADHD!! Been there and have Every scar imaginable and remnants of 8 years of trying and failing, then separating and letting go....back together and trying , then failing, then letting go... to OVER. Even marriage counselors couldn't fix it and told me (the ADHD) to Get out for good and think of myself.. Be Selfish... Novel concept.. but I am loving it!
WOW! Really?
It surprises me that people who visit this site would be angry and/or say angry things. My mom sent me a text today and suggested I visit this site and try to Save my marriage (I use that word loosely). I have been married to this man (once again, I use this word loosely) for 16 years. We have 2 children, our son has ADD. Our teenage daughter has ADHD and I'm fairly confident that both my husband and I have ADD. However, I have tried and succeeded at many attempts to overcome and bypass the negative effects. I have been to adult ADD/ADHD support groups. My husband on the other hand does NOT try to change or get help. I have helped my children and continue to. The thought of saving my marriage is far from my mind. My one and only focus is on how to get out of it and preserve what little dignity I have left and make a good home for my daughter. She has seen and continues to see so much Cr*p, that she is loosing respect for me. I have also looked into other sites about video game addiction. I have been in counseling for 15 years and have had all of them, probably 4 different ones(men & women) over the years, tell me to leave. I keep changing counselors to get a different response, but it's always the same. I have been on all sorts of medications myself to try to get through this. I'm done poisoning my body and I'm done making sacrifices, I'm done trying. Many of you make think this is harsh, but I have pretty much allowed my sons life to be destroyed by the negative influence my husband has spewed and I regret that I didn't listen to the advice I got in the very begining of this marriage. Not only that but I have Wasted so many valuable years of my life. Now I have to waste more constructing my exit plan. Good Luck with the book, my advice, however, to your readers is to get out early.
SORRY
Take some time
Lots of us have been in places like where you are now, though not nearly so long or so bad.
But be careful about what you're planning, because it might not be the best thing for you. What makes me think that is your saying, " I'm done making sacrifices, I'm done trying." Not to say you should stay together, but only to try to make the right decisions for you and your children.
You say "I'm fairly confident that both my husband and I have ADD," maybe you can find someone to help sort that out for you.
Wow really
I agree, get out early. All these books are nice and the therapy is nice but the bottom line is where is the accountability for the neglectful husband? Where is the accountability for their bad behavior? There is also a lot of money to be made with a chronic disorder that is difficult to treat. Sometime I feel there is a lot of false hope passed around. I have yet to hear a story on this web site from a husband who gets it. A husband who is in treatment and sticks with it and takes his meds.
ARE YOU OUT THERE BECAUSE FOR GOD's sake we need to hear from you.
You can only use the ADD excuse for so long. Does a person with ADD not know right from wrong? My husband was raised by a mother with bipolar disorder and a father who has ADD and is an alcoholic. He has ADD, OCD and depression and did not get into self driven treatment until just before I put him out of the house for the affair. He was hospitalized for depression and in order for him to get out of the locked psyche ward he needed follow up care. Fortunately he was in treatment when I discovered the affair and put him out. He does not know what normal is. He was not raised in a normal home. He does not yearn for or want normal. He is attracted to what he know and that is dysfunction and chaios.
My daughter lost respect for me with all my husband's embarrassing behaviors due to his poor impulse control. She said "Mom your smart, your pretty, you have a great job, why are you putting up with this?" When your 13 year old tells you this, it is quite a wake up call. Then she went to a work shop at school that talked about bullying and discussed forms of emotional abuse. She said the way he treats you is abusive Mom. I learned about that at school, they talked about emotional abuse.
My husband is out of the home now and we are getting a divorce. My daughter was aware of my husband's online flirting on Facebook for two years without telling me about it. She just kept saying Mom you need to get on Facebook over and over. I said "I am on a computer all day long at work, that is the last thing I want to do when I get home." She wanted me to discover all the inappropriate online flirting he was doing, as well as going out and posting all these pictures of himself hanging all over other woman. Sadly a friend went on his page, told me about it, I checked it out myself and then looked at his e-mail and found out he was having an affair with a married work associate.
My poor daughter had the burden of this for two years without telling me about it. There is a cost to the children when one of their parents has this disorder, this conflict, this neglect is. They too are left feeling like they are not important, they are not a priority. When a female child sees her mother being taken advantage of and the mother continues to allow it, what message is being sent to that child? My daughter is so happy he is out of the home and our relationship has never been better. She said "Mom I'm really proud of you and then so when are you going to start dating?" I said not for a long long time. I hope my story help some of you.
Is it really too late?
Today, my wife and I have a marital counseling session after I have stayed with my friend over the weekend because she needed space. I have ADHD and have been married for 2 years. I recognized my behaviors early on and have tried since to change from reading a zillion books, to therapy with a clinical psychologist, to trying to self medicate with herbal treatment to even self-diagnosing myself with bipolar and ending up for a week in a psychiatrict hospital because I was so desperate for a new beginning with my wife and for us to finally move forward to a happy place. I was released after being told I was ADHD...something I have been told my entire life. I didn't know how toxic this is untreated until the psychiatrist referred me to CHADD which led me here.
My wife has so much anger and resentment and it hurts so bad. I sent her this article and she sent me one back from the livestrong site about an emotionally abusive husband. In no way have I EVER intentionally wanted to hurt my wife with words. I never wanted her to think so badly of me and now it's obvious she feels I am a monster. She calls our marriage a "so-called marriage" and she has already packed her things and is ready to leave. I love my wife so much and am not giving up, but I'm scared she already has. I had trust issues in the marriage along with my own issues of feeling insecure at times, being too sensitive and irritable. My wife and I argue all of the time and she has been unhappy for a long time. But, when we are doing good...it's amazing. I know deep down she loves me too, yet I don't think she realizes it's a joint effort and how she responds and reacts also effects things. I feel the blame is all put on me. Even when she has had bad behavior to me she blames it on me because she was "giving me a dose of my own medicine" even though sometimes she acted worse and cruel and then admitted to punishing me...I know this is all stemmed from the anger and resentment. She said she would have never acted that way if it wasn't for my behavior, yet I always thought we were all responsible for our own actions. She acts like I my efforts to change are to only appease her for a short-time and that's not true. I never stop trying to change even when we are okay. She doesn't understand that this is also so difficult for me and I hate this about myself and I don't want to have these issues....and that is why I'm doing all possible to be the man I know I am.
Today she emailed me that she is going to tell the counseling ALL and he won't know what he got himself into. To me, I doubt that because a marriage counselor has dealt with everything from affairs to domestic abuse. She told me this weekend away from me was extremely therapeutic...so, while she finished packed I feel she validated her reasons for divorcing her "abusive" husband. :( I'm so broken inside. I wish I could take all of her pain, anger and resentment away and for us to truly do this together and have a happy ending. Yet, it feel like for her...it's truly too late. I feel I'm losing the one I wanted forever due to it taking too long to truly diagnose and figure out what was going on with me. I've tried so hard. I never wanted this, either.
It is nice to finally hear from a remorseful spouse.
My husband was never remorseful. He rationalized his bad behavior and never took responsibility for what he has done. I have never received, nor do I think I ever will receive, a heart felt apology from him for all the lying and neglectful behavior over the past 10 years.
You are acknowledging the problem, taking responsibility and trying to get help. Good treatment and the right treatment is really hard to find. There are not Hallowell Centers everywhere. But Chadd usually can point you in the right direction to get the right care. So pat yourself on the back. If you go to therapy for yourself, to be a better person and then will be better able to contribute to your marriage, or your next relationship, if you wife does divorce. Thank you for your gift of a remorseful spouse. I would give a million dollars to just get a heart felt apology or letter from my husband.
I am sorry I lied, I am sorry I exploited you, I am sorry I hurt Michelle, I am sorry I cheated, I am sorry I did not participate in marriage counseling. You are a good person. You tried to help me but I fought you every step of the way. I am never going to get that. So I hope your wife feels whatever the outcome, your heart felt apology and remorse is priceless and a true gift to her.
anger, frustration
I read your 6 myths and kind of understand what has happened to my marriage. I did not feel that I was the ADHD partner for the first 5 years of my marriage, but lately I feel like I might exhibit some symptoms of it also. I was the planner, the person that remembered bills and chores, the person that wanted the house clean (tidy and organized would do), the person that paid all the bills, and also the one that got frustrated and angry when I couldn't do those things or even discuss them without a fight. At times, I would get overwhelmed with trying to take care of all that and provide for the emotional and physical needs of my wife. I would withdraw and seem distant as she would say. She doesn't even recognize the fact that she would do that also. We are finally in counseling and communicating like adults, but she says she needs space to figure out who she is and what she wants. She's not even sure if she wants to stay married or not, or even to believe and trust in me. We have both made huge strides in the parts of the marriage(even before counseling) that we were lacking individually, but is it too little too late? I have made it clear that I recognize the person that I had become and don't like myself for it. It's not who I thought I would be or wanted to be, as a husband or a father. I have also made it clear that I love her more than the day I met her and will spend the rest of my life proving it if she will let me. While she can't commit to staying together right now, she still talks in the future tense about things like finances and vacations and such. So I am really conficted about how to act right now. She won't kiss me like she means it or be intimate, but she will kiss me goodnite and goodbye or hold hands when we are watching TV. I can deal with giving her space and not pushing the intimacy issue, but I am having hard time with the fact that she doesn't seem to remember anything good I have done in our marriage or say that she even wants me to be in her future other than being a parent to our children. We have been married only 5 years, but dating off and on for 12, and I would need pages to tell you about what has happened that has put stress on us. I feel it would be a devastating mistake to make permanent decisions based on either of our behavior the past few years, but she just says that all she has to make her decisions.
Marriage and ADHD
I'd add these comments.
1. Work on organization Marriage is a partnership and if you are the ADHD spouse, work on organization. Keep daily lists, try to be on-time (on-time means planning to be at a location 15 minutes ahead of time or planning to complete a task days before it is due).
2. Household tasks Work on keeping a bedroom and downstairs clean. ADHD people like to go from room to room, but try to keep things neat. Read books on household organization and filing systems.
3. Weekly meeting Working on organization means inputting information in an orderly fashion. Women love to tell things to do in the car or at a restaurant, which is almost useless because it will not get on a calendar or computer. Try to have weekly or bi-weekly meetings at which deadlines, tasks, and be discussed and dates noted in a calendar.
4. Gender differences. Men and boys are far more likely to have ADHD. Consider differences in how men and women think. Women like to talk more and men tend to like defined tasks.
5. Sex for men, take your time. Remember infidelity is a game-breaker. For women, note that rejection works on many ways, denying your spouse satisfaction, telling him he is not worthwhile or attractive, and providing justification for looking or acting elsewhere.
6. For non ADHD spouses Just because he tries to do 4 things at once does not mean you can talk to him and get things done. While ADHD people try to several things at once, they are no better and usually worse at processing verbal information when they are engaged in other work. Again, develop organized ways of conveying information, dates and deadlines.
7. Compliment Sandwich If you want your ADHD spouse to do something, use compliments to get and maintain his attention. If you want him to ignore what you are saying, start and end with a nasty comment.
I have asked for lists! Now what?
I used to ask for a list.." Please give me a list of what you would like me to accomplish today.. 1 to 3 things that are important to you.." The response I always got was "You're an adult.. you know what needs to be done" so I would try my darndest to do everything.. and I mean everything I knew needed to be done.. Ironically that effort went unnoticed especially if several things were incomplete (yes, I would fail at my own lists always biting off way more than I could chew in a week let alone a single day) and the "thing" that was important I had missed! I was supposed to be some form of mind reader.. How was I to know what she wanted that day? So, how do you Ask for help and actually get it instead of a putdown?
And yes, it peaved me to get that comment.. Like I was being demoralized to less than a child.. as always with other comments like.. your selfish, your lazy, your abusive, your crazy........... and yet most who know me would tell you that is not true.. I would bend over backwards to make her happy and everyone but her knew without a shadow of a doubt that I loved her.. and only her... Frustrated.. YES... Confused... YES...
I have asked for lists! Now what?
hYour post was a eye opener. My husband and son have ADHD and every time my son asks what he is suppose to do when asked to help him with something he always gets "You're how old you should know and be able to figure it out". My dad also says that to my son, my son sounds just like you he has no idea what he's suppose to do. My son also says to me he doesn't know what he's suppose to do during the day, I always say after we do blank then anything you want but he seems lost. This list idea might be the answer to alot of issues with him.
About Lists
The person who is responding "you're how old? you should know how to do that" doesn't understand how the ADHD mind works. Because "inside" the mind is unstructured, an external structure needs to be put in place to be able to organize (the science of this has to do with executive function, planning, memory, etc) I was talking with a man with ADHD the other day about how to get out the door on time and suggested that when he and his wife agree to a departure time they also talk about what the specific tasks are that need to be done before they leave (i.e. walk the dog, take a shower, etc.) to both see what was ahead and also to allocate tasks. He thought this would be a great idea as, he said, he has great difficulty thinking in this way and instead tends to respond to emergencies in the moment (he realizes that the dog needs to be walked only when they are just about the leave and he realizes no one else has done it...)
It can take quite a while to internalize just how helpful the external structures are for someone with ADHD because it feels foreign to a non-ADHD partner, but lists, alarms, conversations, notes, etc are all critical components of being successfully organized when you have ADHD.
Interesting post
How do you calculate how much time to allow for things where you don't know how long it will take? As you know, my husband lost his job because he couldn't keep track of his cell phone, debit card and keys. His "get out the door" list would include "Find your keys, find your cell phone, find your debit card." How in the world do you calculate that when you have no idea how long it will take? He has refused any attempts on my part to have him put these vital items in one certain place. He actually feels that the appropriate thing is to leave them in the pants he wore the day before. So then we have to look under the bed, etc. to find that pair of pants, because he won't put things in the hamper. It's exhausting and not really successful (witness the fact that he lost his job over it).
Relationship in Shambles
I am not sure where to even start this, so it may come out a little bit unorganized, but I beg you to stay with me. I was diagnosed with ADHD about 10 years ago and have been on and off of many medications over the years. I have been on and off Adderal for the past 2 years sometimes with great results and at other times not so great.
The main theme for me in this post is that I have been horribly irresponsible with our finances and created a house of cards of lies to "protect" my wife and kids. Now that the whole thing had caved in and I am in big trouble, my wife is furious and of course her family is involved as well. She says she wants to stay with me but her brother is trying to convince her to leave me for a few months in order for me to "get help." I know she in conflicted as I do believe she loves me but is sick and tired of my being so damn irresponsible with our finances. It has put us and our 3 kids in a bad situation over and over again for the past 10 years. I have always been a great earner but I do tend to fight against budgeting and do tend to spend on stupid things for my kids. This of course causes us to come up short many months and has put us in massive debt which I know would cause stress in any marriage. Recently i did something remarkably stupid financially and it seems like it may be the last straw. While I don't think this one thing is the reason she is so upset, as it has been going on for years, the size of it is huge. It is in the mid 5 figures and caused us major embararsment and hardship with some of our friends. There potentially could even be legal ramifications to all of this. Like, I said, I do not think this single event is what she is potentially leaving over, but rather a culmination of many smaller events leading up to today.
As a result of everything that is going on, I have been doing some serious soul searching and realized many things. One of the things I realized is that I have not been a very good partner to her. I blamed her for being cold or detached at times, but I have been horrible too. I have called her names, gotten angry for no reason, and done just about everything else I have read about on this site. Said I want a divorce, said I should not have married her, told her she is stupid, called her worse names... you get the idea. I know I am a kind, gentle caring man, but for some reason I have not shown it to her in the past 5 year or more. The only exception was when she was very sick a few years ago and I spent 8 months going to the hospital with her almost every day for treatment. Maybe I thought I was going to lose her and I realized that for that period it had to be all about her. It was weirdly a bad time for us obviously for her health reasons, but a great time because we did not fight or argue. We just focused on spending time together. She is now 100% recovered and stronger than ever.
Like I said, I have been on and off medication and do not know if maybe the ones I am taking are not strong enough, the wrong ones, or there is something else wrong with me. I am going to a new doctor tomorrow to help me answer some of those questions, but I fear it may be too late. I have apologized, started to get more help, and told her and her brother that I realize I have been horrible but I know I love her with all of my being. She is the only woman I would want to be with and in 20 years not only have I never strayed, but never even thought about it. When I said those mean things to her I didn't really mean them, they just came out as a defense mechanism.
So the point I am trying to make is that sometimes those of us that suffer with this do not mean to do what we do. I am a big strong guy, but this thing throws me around like a paper doll. I am trying to get help and I am working as hard as I can to let my wife know how much I love her. I have had a total awakening, but fear it may be too late. I also fear that maybe there is even more wrong with me than just ADHD. Please folks know that we struggle with this thing and even when we think we have it under control it is not. It takes work and commitment from both sides, which I am hoping I get from her. The thought of losing her is too painful for me to bear, but I know it would be a direct result of my actions and like anything else in life it will be what it is meant to be. Please, if your spouse is fighting this affliction, work as hard as you can to let them know you support them. Get them help and know it is a long process. I don't know how this will turn our for me and the love of my life, but if I can help you save your relationship before it is too late than maybe some good can come of all of this.
Thanks for listening and do you best to support your loved one. It means more than they are likely to be able to tell you.