More than half of couples impacted by ADHD struggle in their relationships. Many of these couples, like my husband and I, have struggled for many years with a slow descent into chronic frustration and anger as 'the ADHD Effect' took over. (To clear the record, we USED to struggle. We don't any more.!)
So I get this quesiton with regularity - when do you know to call it quits? I do think you know in your heart when you just don't feel all the effort or pain or frustration is worth it any more. You feel you've exhausted all possible paths on your own side, and/or you are convinced that your partner simply won't do anything more...and after all that work you still don't like the situation you are in well enough to wish to stay.
But I remember when there were days my heart was screaming 'LEAVE!!!' and yet, I couldn't. How DO you make this decision?
Ultimately, the relationship needs to either bring you happiness (or have a realistic potential to do so) or at least bring satisfaction on some important dimension. There are a number of dimensions I see people consider in this process: keeping the family together is one for some people; financial stability; fun to be with; romantic, dependable, etc. Which dimensions are important to you is very personal. So I would suggest you look at your own value system and ask yourself "at this point in my life, is this what I want?" Think about it realistically and against 'own' your values. So, for example, many adults (men and women) choose to stay in a somewhat sub-optimal relationship until the kids are grown because they value having the family together and, perhaps, wish to see if they get along better (or worse) once the stress of having kids at home is lessened. Others place more value on financial security or fun or love or...There are no 'good' or 'bad' dimensions - the point is only to evaluate your own situation against your own values.
My own story is one of feeling, even in really awful times, that there was a strong core to our love that just happened to be currently covered in a lot of (you know what) but which was salvageable. There were some points at which it was clear that I could be a much better partner than I had been, and so we both felt it made sense to stay at least until I got my own act straightened out. There were other times when it was my husband who needed to clean up his own act and I was the one waiting. Again, we both felt it was worth waiting to see if we could recover and actually discussed it. When one partner is egregiously outside the boundaries of the relationship (for example, having an affair) it makes sense to put a deadline on your willingness to wait it out so that you don't find yourself sliding into long-term misery. If things haven't improved by your deadline, then that's a good indicator it's time to leave. (Note on this: make sure to put a reasonable deadline...then hold to it. It might take a year to clear up and end an affair and frequently takes at least that long to get traction on managing ADHD symptoms after the ADHD partner has genuinely engaged with the project, which is often not simultaneous with the diagnosis.)
It helps greatly that my husband did get his primary ADHD symptoms under control. If he had not, the 'do I leave?' equation would have been different for me because his continued spurts of anger would have been in direct conflict with some of my own closely held values around respect. At some point, uncovering that core of love would have seemed impossible.
There are also logistical issues that may determine whether or not you end a relationship and these must be weighed against how bad things are. Physical abuse is a 'no tolerance' issue for me (and I hope for you) - if it happens, you leave. Get the help of an abuse hotline or your doctor if you fear for your safety. In addition, finances, your physical or mental health situation, and more can make an impact on your decision and that's okay. Nobody else gets to tell you why you should or shouldn't stay in your relationship - if they did I wouldn't be in mine anymore and look at all the fun I would be missing! No, this is your decision, and your decision alone. Understand your values, make your decision pro or con, and stand up for it.
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Comments
Grounded reflection on assessing marriage currently
My wife has been ready for us to live apart a number of times over the last ten years. I was rather surprised that she asked me to send her a link re: a "question and answer period" on YouTube I'd shared where Eckard Tolle addressed a question from a non-ADHD spouse; specifically, whether she should end her relationship with her ADD husband as she felt he was interfering with her ability to take quality time for herself and it was interfering with her peace of mind.
This You Tube clip was submitted from Namaste Publishing from March 8, 2016. Forward @one hour and twenty-three minutes (1:23) into the You Tube talk (Eckardt Tolle humor and the release of ego).
Why was I surprised she wanted to listen again to the link? Her reticence to engage numerous ADD/ADHD resources I've offered since she asked me to get help in 2003 relates to how these resources have been my way to hide behind my social work career 'insight' rather than to really listen and to deal with my 'personal issues' and disability. Footnote: the referral to weekly Mindfulness/DBT classes from my Kaiser therapist has helped immensely for me to understand the gap I have in not having learned (and practiced) emotional regulation and interpersonal communication skills. It has been such satisfying relief to have a majority of mature classmates' sharing with with two instructors 'real world' challenges. It is fun to have tools and "fresh insight" from weekly homework to apply vs. defensiveness and dread. I concur with a classmate who said, "I really wish I'd learned these skills in a class like this many years ago".
MarriageBselfish4Wholeness
Spot on, Melissa...
I have been considering separation for longer than I’d like to admit. Those of us with ADHD spouses know they lead passionate lives and usually still have those core values inside which is why we married them in the first place. They are good, creative, fun and loving people with an inability to emotionally regulate. But what you said about your husband getting those primary symptoms under control really hit me. I do all the reading and research. I go to counseling. I spin my wheels and start discussions at my own risk, and I write letters and emails explaining why I feel so hopeless. But I alone cannot change the damaging anger and flooding that he experiences. He has to participate. And as much as I love the attentive husband and loving father that he is, if he doesn’t get the flooding under control, I will not be able to stay. I already feel drained from years of this behavior. The unpredictability of anger, no matter the frequency, is difficult and keeps me tense even in moments of peace. I WISH there was a non-ADHD spousal support group in my area. I feel so isolated with this problem. It is a shame to carry this burden alone when I know there are so many out there in similar situations.
Burnt Out
I need help coping with my ADHD fiance , who I recently left for my sanity. The last straw was when he told our server to place the wine bottle between her breasts to warm it. This like all the other highly inappropriate comments are subject to change or he just denies what he said. Keep in mind that we had just been in therapy where he said he would change the behavior and made this statement within an hour of leaving the therapist's office. No filters and no boundaries are available. Social settings are a nightmare , add a glass of wine with the adderall and the need for attention can consist of him doing splits in busy restaurant or some off the wall comment, generally sexual in nature to anyone who will listen. He loves to sit at the bar in restaurants and utterly monopolizes peoples evenings out and can not get the social que when they turn away, for some reason he thinks they love him. (I can't make this stuff up) It is though there is not a switch that tells him that his behavior is beyond inappropriate and does not have the ability to take ques from the reactions of those around him. We were in DC at restaurant with someone from his company when he decided to bang on the table and announce to those around us what he wanted to do to me sexually. His response in therapy was " I may have gotten a little noisy but my coworker loves me and has no problem with what I said" ...Imagine my response to that one.
At times ,there are conversations where an entire step is missed which makes it difficult to understand what the hell he is talking about.In those situations, I am told I told you this or I sent you this information.
We met last night and as usual , the offending situations are massaged or they just never occurred and I'm told that I overreacted and that everyone is fine with what he said. He plays the victim and relates to everyone that I am angry and that I may have some sort of bi-polar issue. I'm exhausted trying to keep tabs on what's real and started keeping a diary and all his texts a year ago. His therapist told him " no one has ever called you on your stuff before' , but he denies it was ever said even though I repeated the second time we met with her. He has been seeing her for over 20 years and when I revealed his nonsense , he told me that she didn't want to see me because I was angry ...don't believe him.
We went to a couples therapist who suggested that I really shouldn't tolerate the inappropriate behavior and at that timehe decided that he didn't like her. He told her that I needed to be fixed because I was angry...she didn't quite agree and in a personal session, told me that she would be angry as well.
This man is almost sixty years old , college educated - who else experiences situations like this ....am I crazy?
Reply to Burnt Out
You are not crazy and you were smart to leave. Although my husband doesn't seek attention in as dramatic a fashion as your fiance, he also behaves inappropriately in social situations (picking political fights, walking away from people when they are in the middle of a sentence, interrupting conversations in a rude manner). What is the future if you stayed with him? No friends you can socialize with, family members who don't want him around, broken friendships, conflicts with neighbors, etc. It may sound petty to outsiders, but truly, my husband's actions over the years have really isolated me from the real world. Please run as far away from this guy as you can!
I second that emotion
I am married many years to a man who does inappropriate things and is a social dolt when opinions differ from his or he isn't interested in the conversation. I have made it my business to maintain friendships with my friends and family because if were up to him we would just sit home. I think he expected me to do the same with his friends and family too because he complains that we don't see them much. My reply to his complaining is that you need to work at friendships which can be inconvenient sometimes but you get what you give. He gives nothing and gets it in return.
Not alone or crazy
I can relate to most of your post. Just wanted to let you know, you are not alone.
Oh, you poor, poor thing.
Oh, you poor, poor thing. This is just AWFUL! It's so far beyond unacceptable. And yet, I totally understand how you ended up staying as long as you did. They tell us we're the problem and it's SO hard not to get hooked into that and spend the next ___ years trying to un-crazymake them and ourselves.
I'm so glad you left. I'm a little astonished that this person has made it to almost 60 without either being put in jail or losing his job and everything else he had and becoming homeless. He sounds like he has mental illness on top of a disorder.
Big hugs and a ton of sympathy.
re: Spot on Melissa
I recently joined this online, weeky, support for non-ADHD partners and hope it will be helpful
https://add.org/virtual-peer-support-group-spouserelationship-peer-group...
I feel for you, and have felt
I feel for you, and have felt this way a lot during my 10-year marriage. I find this forum helpful (and Melissa's books). I feel less alone, less isolated, and less totally bewildered and frustrated. My husband has acknowledged and accepted his ADHD and is working hard to manage his symptoms better. I know I am very fortunate in this--though it has come at a cost of much fighting, persisting, and life-altering frustration and anger on my part. It's not like he just said to me one day, "I'm going to deal with this."
And yet...I still wonder, nearly every day, if the aggravation is worth it. The past 10 years have set me back to, like, negative integers when it comes to recovering from a bad (very bad) early life; I don't know that there's enough good in the relationship to offset the daily turbulence, hurt, and frustration from his symptoms and coping mechanisms and the symptom-response-response dynamics that have entrenched themselves in our marriage. I guess the difference between my situation and Melissa's is that I never did feel, and never have felt, love for my husband. I met him and immediately jumped in to rescue him and his two kids from the chaotic, indebted, dysfunctional life they were leading. Totally my doing, and my choice. But definitely it was not about being in love. Maybe we will be able to get there, over time, as we work with Melissa's books etc. I don't know.
Anyway. Like I say, I hear you.
Weighing in on that
It may be time for you to take a deep look at why you are staying in this relationship that you say has hurt you and set you back, and with a person you say you never loved. You mention past injuries and those can keep one pinned down in a situation that isn't healthy for them. I don't know if you've tried working with a therapist to explore this issue, but if you can I would recommend it.
There are two resources I would also recommend for you. First is a book called Boundary Boss by Teri Cole. An excellent way to explore whether or not you are living a life that is aligned with your values and, if not, how to do so. The second is a book called "Too Good to Leave/Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirschenbaum. She delves into the pros and cons of various aspects of your relationship and whether or not you are healthy.
I'm a big believer in keeping families intact when possible, but I also appreciate that you may not have been put on this earth solely to sacrifice yourself to others and that checking in with yourself at times is important.
As for my own story - I did love my husband, deeply. Turned out that didn't matter as much as I had thought and we are now divorced. I initiated it, and it was the right decision in the circumstances. But it has given me a good appreciation of the fact that sacrifices made by one partner may still not be appreciated by the other (or even recognized). So make sure you are staying for reasons that make sense to YOU.
This looks like a great
This looks like a great resource. Thank you for sharing.
Chronic Anger
There are so many people who are in this same situation - great person, emotional regulation and anger issues ruin the relationship, that I have created a multi-session seminar on anger. I will give it live to a limited number of couples first - to make sure it's hitting all the right messages, then turn it into a self-study course for anyone to take. I'm quite excited about it - this is an area of great need, and there is much that adults really can do to better manage their anger and/or communicate better in angry situations.
Information about it is at this link.
Chronic Anger
Hi Melissa, is there any opportunity to view this multi-session seminar, as I've only come across this - several years too late!
Thanks for this amazing resource which is a place I turn to when I feel just too overwhelmed to go on anymore with my ADHD husband (diagnosis pending :). The blame games, social shame, dysregulated angry outbursts have become too much most of the time after 15 years' of marriage. Yet I am the nag and the person who doesn't want to go forward!
There are situations that I
There are situations that I find so puzzling and then I start to question, is there something wrong with me? Am I not lovable?
I understand that isn't true and my ADHD partner (Diagnosed as a child and non medicated) has finally realized he can't run from this anymore. He was content to go from partner to partner that didn't really mean anything and seem to be quite fine with them ending it when they had enough of his ambivalence. Now he realizes that his emotional self and his conscious self are not matching up and is very well aware that he may lose me. the fact that he is willing to be part of the solution and has actively (possibly hyperfocused - but in a positive way) sought out help and we plan on enrolling in the couples seminar. I feel I owe it to him to learn and be open minded to understand why things have been happening the way they have leading to a lot of confusion on my end and hurt feelings.
It scares me some of the unhappy couples who have felt stuck for years. We are passed the point of raising a family together but young enough to still have a lot of years together. I was attracted to his youthful attitude and adventure which has now come to be looked upon as immaturity. The adventures are still fun and even better if I let him plan - which reading seems to be a theme that is not good for the ADHD partner. I will need to ask if this causes him anxiety.
We have been together less than 2 years and apart the last several months as his job is away from home with once a month weekly visit on my end of going there for work. I feel like I have been sacrificing the most and with little satisfaction. At this point I am looking forward to him coming home in the next couple months and him following through with the steps he has said he is going to do. I'm a few years older than he is and would like to have more stability in my life and where it is going...It is hard to get him to talk about the future or at least realistic futures - he is full of ideas (dreamer?)...So willing to give it a little more time...for now...
I know I have had friends to simply say just get out now while you still can...but I think if we can get through this it will be something worth having...In the meantime I need to remember knowledge is power and not allow myself and my own self esteem be chipped away from his lack of capacity to love fully...maybe now who's the dreamer?
Somebody has to win the lottery that Orlov talks about.
'... him following through with the steps he has said he is going to do.'
This is often where the ADHD symptoms kick in. 'Said he would do' and 'He did what he said he would do' are VERY different things for the non-ADHD partner. If he follows through in the near-term and actively continues to work to manage his ADHD symptoms then will you be one of 'the lucky ones.' Somebody has to win the lottery that Orlov talks about.
I Should Have Known….
Seminar
Hi - on this website go to seminars and groups, then choose the couples seminar. I offer both a self-study and live (once a week) version given by Zoom. I give it live 3 times a year and that is the easiest to take because the weekly sessions help keep you on track. Otherwise, the self-study is simply a recording/video of the most recent live session.