ADHD & Marriage Therapy in Person with Dr. Hallowell

It sounds almost as if your husband had developed a two-sided life - one out in the business world where he is a "high flyer" living the good life and being a gadfly, and one at home where he was getting relatively little positive feedback and had more responsibilities than he wanted to handle.  As he doesn't seem inclined to respond to you in a positive or supportive way, I think you have little choice than to respond to his desire to move out with dignity.

Some of the issue here seems to be that you have expectations that he should be a different person than he currently is in order to succeed in your marriage.  The problem is - he gets plenty of positive feedback for being that person outside the marriage and, sadly, will also be able to find plenty of other women who will be delighted to spend time with him as that high-flyer.  You, on the other hand, want him to deal with his ADD, stop drinking (and having fun, in his eyes), work at exercising, which he hates, hang out around the house...educate himself about how he is inadequate in your eyes (which is how he most likely sees your request to learn more about his ADD).  You can see why that doesn't sound very appealing.

I would urge you to get going on a separation agreement that is fair to both parties and sets some boundaries or, if he does decide to come back, take a careful look at your own role in how this is unfolding (more on that later).  A good book on a certain type of separation agreement that I used when thinking about this is "You Don't Have to Take It Anymore" talks about the concept of controlled separation.  It will help you think through some of the underlying issues that can be so difficult to resolve (money, sex, visitations, etc).  Also, if at all possible, move towards mediation of this type of agreement rather than using divorce lawyers.  Couples who use mediation are statistically far more likely to have a good relationship after the experience (either as divorced co-parents or back together) than those who use lawyers (who get paid to roil things up).

The two of you will continue to have a relationship of some sort into the future, and it is in the best interests of everyone - you AND the kids AND your husband- if you continue to get along and be supportive of each other.  In your case, this will take changing some of your behavior, as it seems that you haven't been all that supportive of him in the past.  This takes some self control, but is worth it.  My personal belief is that you should try hard not to put yourselves into situations that will escalate bad feelings on either side.  On the other hand, you must certainly set rules for yourself and others so that no one gets walked all over (for example, setting rules with the kids that bad-mouthing their father in your presence is not okay.  If they have an issue they need to work through they should work through that specific issue, but that personal attacks are off limits.  You, too, should stick by this rule.  If you do, you'll be more likely to be able to convince your husband that he should do the same towards you when the kids are with him and everyone will be better off for it.)

The first step to creating this relationship is to let go of your feelings that you have anything to do with your husband's behavior.  You may want him to address his ADD, but that is completely his decision.  In fact, that has always been his decision, and part of the reason that he may have resisted it this long is that it's been emotionally charged at your house - wrapped up in how you feel about his inadequacies.)  So, you need to start treating him like a respected business associate, not a spouse.  That sounds weird, perhaps, but you will be amazed by the results.  Note that I say "respected".  If you simply hold him at arm's distance, you will not acheive your goal of having a good relationship (by definition, because you will be distanced from each other).  If you treat him with respect, but in a business-like way in which you recognize that his point of view has merit, and insist that your point of view has merit, and work together to find common ground, then you will hopefully have some success in setting up an arrangement that works for both of you.

My second piece of advice on this is to start looking inwardly and figuring out who you want to be in this.  Too many people get caught up in their anger and bad feelings, without seeing what that does to them as a person.  Revenge and blame are ALWAYS destructive.  Better, in my opinion, is to decide that you wish to be a thoughtful, honorable and good person throughout this transaction.  Or, as one of my recently divorced male neighbors said about his diminished finances "The most important part is the sleep-at-night factor.  I have to be able to go to sleep knowing that my ex-wife and kids will be comfortable enough and that I did what I think was the right thing."  Though his ex is still angry with him (and suffering herself from the expression of that anger) he held himself to high standards of behavior and has moved on (which, of course, infuriates her).

A turning point for me, when my husband and I had decided to separate, was deciding that I didn't like the angry person I had become and deciding that I would start acting differently towards both my husband and everyone else.  So I simply changed how I fit into the world, literally overnight, and how I was thinking about him.  Instead of viewing my husband as faulty and broken, I started viewing him as an individual who made specific decisions about who he wanted to be that I needed to respect and accept.  I had to accept that he could do as he pleased (including leave me) and that it was his choice, not mine.   I decided that I was inherently an even-keeled, warm person and that I would be that person again - not just for me, but for my children, too.  The surprising outcome of that was that as soon as I stopped trying to change my husband he actually liked me better as a person and was willing and able to see me as I had been before - that real person, instead of the angry imposter.

You don't mention much about exactly how the two of you interact, but some of your words "he was completely out of line" and descriptions of how he needs to change in order to be an acceptable husband, suggest that you have moved pretty far from a strong marriage and may be in parent/child territory.  You tried to cow him into submission by threatening that he should leave and then were surprised when, instead of acting in the child role and apologizing, he actually acted like an adult and chose his own path (including whether or not to respond to your emails, which he is under no obligation to do.  He is serving you notice by not responding that he is now his own person and you need to respect that.)  Yes, he probably has many things that could be improved when push comes to shove, but before you get too angry with him you should assess your own role for you do, too.  You are just as responsible for this break up as he is, (read my blog post on action/reaction for more on this).  If you can accept that, and change directions you will have a far greater likelihood of repairing things partially or fully.

So, give him, and you, the space you both seem to need right now, find a mediator, start negotiations, change your approach (NO MORE telling him who he should be.  He is who he is and you either love him like that or go elsewhere).  He loved you once, when you both respected each other.  He may love you again if you can shift back towards really, genuinely feeling and acting on that respect again (and vice versa - you may be able to love him again, too)...or not.  The only guarantee is that you can't predict what the future will bring - you can only control your own behavior and make sure that you are the best person you can be in this new environment.

Good luck with it all - we'll be crossing our fingers for you.

Melissa