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Would love to know how many of you are in a dual ADHD marriage. My husband and I both have ADHD, we're best friends and have been married for 34 years and would never leave each other.

I was diagnosed after we were married, he was diagnosed as a child but I did not know he had ADHD until several years after we were married. I have an ongoing journey since the day I found out. He is in denial that his ADHD affects his life and my life.

Please point me to the best resources to understand what we know right now about the science behind ADHD and the brain. 

I still don't understand what is causing all these symptoms or effects. Is it just the issue of dopamine or is there more?

My husband has these issues:

Lack of organization and massive distraction (but only if he is not interested - if so, then hyperfocus)

Lost in thoughts to the point of not hearing me speak - also this is dangerous while driving

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to vent a little and pick your brains, my partner is awaiting a diagnosis... but its pretty evident they have adhd. Reflecting back and looking into adhd we both agree, for me it has helped with the feeling isolated, angry, frustrated and many more emotions and feelings. I myself have mental health issues which impact on our fragile marriage, I love my partner and although I'm burnt out and never feel like I get that moment... where my partner has a realisation they have behaved a certain way that has left me feeling lonely, not desirable and like I'm not there. I still find myself feeling like an acknowledgment of my feelings would help to heal some of the wounds emotionally I carry, I think my question I really wanted to ask. Was in relation to my partners need for drama. I will try and explain the best I can, basically we have a young daughter... sometimes she can push our buttons and sometimes as ashamed as I am to admit I'm not as patient as I should be or caring as I shoul be... I can be a bit short and grumpy. I always apologise, have a big cuddle and reinforce to my daughter how sorry I am, humility is a big thing for me. My partner though, will act like I have just committed the worst crime imaginable and not in parity to whats just happened. Its like their perception is off or they see something completley different, but will themselves act in the same way but not see what they have blamed me for. Another thing is my partner causing mayhem and trouble, an example would be that we reach a point... marriage is doing great, family is great and everyone is happy. But my partner will tell her family lies or exaggerations, or my partner will phone social services up and tell them things that haven't happened. To a degree I can make sense of my partner telling her family things, my partner has a very broken relationship with their mother and siblings and craves their attention and validation. On occasions were my partner has lied she has had her famy fussing over her and she gets her needs met. But involving social services has led to me being asked to leave the family home whilst investigations are made, this has been traumatic and led to a decline in my health and caused me untold pain and anguish. We are now onto the 5th time of having social services involved, I can only describe it as a munchausens by proxy type of behaviour. Has anyone else had similar experience, is it an adhd behaviour or is it something else. I love my partner and after 9 years together and 3 years of this extreme behaviour... its taking its toll on me...

Married 13 yrs. Husband suffered a mild mtbi and severe physical injuries from a bicycle accident.  He was hit by a car.  He has fully recovered,  but it took place about 8yrs.

During that time my adhd symptoms became severe and affected my life dramatically. I think I reacted to his angry outbursts and he often experienced road rage with me in car.   He doesn't remember much about  the accident or several months after. His memory of that time never returned. 

I have flown under the radar for my whole life.....decades....

So, I'm gonna be real. Anyone else that has used wine as a way to cope w/ ADD of spouse?? I have. Now he is using that weakness against me as yet another way to not be accountable for his ADD which continues to desecrate our marriage. Now he can use my wine habit against me. He doesn't drink at all. Father alcoholic. So, black/white issue to him. I can't win. Ever. 
 

I just had a horrible fight with my husband and actually screamed like a lunatic and wanted to rip my hair out.
He took no responsibility, forgot all our recent conversations and promises, then said even if he did promise
so what, and did exactly what I had asked him not to do and refused to admit that was a problem. 

As I am reading the book ADHD effect on marriage, I am feeling nauseatingly hopeless. Because I see it all so clearly
and I don't actually think anything will change this. And I see how awful it is. It feels like a curse and I actually have no
hope now. First of all he will never take meds. And all the effort to manage the myriad problems seems like it will just
further suck the life out of me.

And frankly all the stuff about only being responsible for myself and not being angry because that doesn't help etc, ... please,
tell me how to do this in a marriage where we are entwined in every possible way and every thing he does impacts my life
and the chaos never ends and he has rejection dysphoria as well as hating his mother and we take one step forward and
always two steps back. 

Forget it. I am screwed. 12 years, and I have no plan B. I'm too exhausted to try anymore, I don't think it will work. 
Sometimes I really just feel so desperate it's frightening.

 

I'm sorry. I just .... need to scream. I really need to scream. But it hurts my throat so I can't scream. 

I am reading the book ADHD effect on marriage. I will have my ADHD husband read it as well. But in the meantime, and even though we are deep into discussion about his ADHD, and ostensibly working on it together, it is in FULL FORCE.

Me (34F) and my ex boyfriend (33M, dx ADHD during childhood ) have been exclusively dating for 7 months. On the first day we met, he already asked if we could date exclusive into which I agreed because I am looking for a serious and lasting relationship. As we date, I noticed his closeness to other women, one he has a female best friend who he dated before and second, another woman who he said is just a friend. I established my boundary that talking to a lot of women daily is unacceptable to me and meeting them in private is also disrespectful. He said he minimized talking to them and met them seldom. But the second woman was always the one I had a feeling has feelings for him more than a friend. 

Fast forward this September, I got angry at him for not answering his phone. He was not the calling guy and only does videocalls because I am used to doing it with family and friends. I got a feeling he is with another woman or is doing something in hiding. I went to his house and told him I am mad as he has been ignoring my calls minutes after our last message. He has been doing it before too but this time I got extremely emotional about it. As we were talking, I saw some pills on his table and to my surprise, one was a contraceptive pill. I was mad as hell and asked him to whom it belongs. After that he told me everything. That the second woman slept at his place last night and also slept there 7 or more times since we dated. He also told me he dated this woman before me! I was so angry that I told him to message the woman and tell her not to meet again! I slapped him and punch him on the shoulder and said a lot of awful things! I was so mad all I can think of is call him names. He said the reason he did that was because sometimes when I am not around he needs someone to be there. That he is empty inside and nothing really reached his heart. He said they never had sex while the two of us are dating but they took a bath together and cuddled which I told him was disgusting! I asked him more than 10 times if they had sex or not because I am worried of contacting STD to which he consistently answered no they didn’t have sex because to him, she is not as attractive as I am. 

We get back together then he broke up with me because he said he can’t forgive himself for what he did and that he needed to find himself. He was crying so hard the day I found out he was lying. He even cried more after that, even while we were dojng groceries, he would cry. He promised to never lie again and not do it again but he needed to heal before going into a relationship. He broke up with me but then asked if I could wait for him until he figures himself. 

H told me he was diagnosed with ADHD when he was young. I never gave it a thought so much but when all these happened, I searched and read a lot about ADHD. He also was diagnosed with depression and had anxiety throughout our relationship. My question is: 

1. could it be that because of his ADHD he made impulsive actions with another woman and may also be the woman stimulates him more because they have the same hobbies and likes? He also said they are both lonely and different so they relate to each other

2. When he told me he loves me and wants to build a family did he mean it or he just said that to please me because he knows having a family is one of my dreams. 

3. When he said he won’t lie and do it again did he mean it or there’s a big possibility he would do it again?

4. Should I wait for him or just let him go?

I need help for clarity! Thanks in advance everybody!

Non ADHD Spouse with frustrations and concerns.