So I’ve come to a place today where emptiness stretches out around me.
I’ve almost accepted divorce, the loss, the grief, the void where children disappear every week.
I no longer dwell in the conflicts as much as before. I imagine my ADD ex husband with a new younger woman - always expected though not evident yet - and I sort of accept this, turning me into something old and spent.
I’ve probed my feelings for an old love this week. He used to be my person, but though he’s been the only possible object of desire Ive been able to imagine since divorce, I don’t want him.
My father passed when I was in my twenties. There is now no man I trust and feel deeply connected to.
I’m sure this feeling of emptiness might be another step forward after divorce. But it makes me so sad today.
How do you go on from here? I know this year is supposed to carry me forward professionally, deepen friendships and strengthen interests, but I feel so meek in front of it. Not bitter, just weak. Ive worked incessantly to understand what’s happened and repaired all I could, made boundaries, and sort of feel it’s mostly done. I did all I could. Now what?
A colleague announced today she’s leaving for another workplace. I felt it affected me. Like the lack of meaning of all we do engulfed me briefly.
It’s so empty.
Comments
Freedom
Maybe you are looking at the glass half empty rather than half full. You have your freedom now, and you don’t seem comfortable about what to do next. You have unlimited possibilities now rather than being merely an unappreciated caregiver. Please try to embrace your freedom. Do you know that abused women are typically uncomfortable with people who treat them with respect because they are still so used to being disrespected? They have a familiar reaction to disrespect, but are at a loss how to react to respect. Think about it. You are in uncharted territory at this point in your life. You need to practice doing something good for yourself every day because you are accustomed to having your needs come last or completely disregarded. Don’t look for an old lover to soothe your loneliness. Try to become accustomed to being comfortable alone with yourself first. Don’t give in to negative self talk. Don’t torture yourself with negative fantasies of your ex living happily ever after with some younger woman. I engaged in that when I found my ex’s Facebook page and saw his lovely new wife. She was a Christian and he seemed to be “saved” and a changed man. This made me sad, blaming myself for not being able to “forgive” him, or turn him into a decent person as she had seemingly been able to do. Now I have found out that she ( his fourth wife) has divorced him for the very same reason I did… lying and cheating. Don’t give in to your fears. Don’t warp your sense of reality with doubts that you could have done better. Embrace your new freedom and look to the future with joy and anticipation of the wonderful things to come. I was 60 when I left my ex, and now I have a wonderful life full of joy and love. If I can do it, so can you Swedish! You are so much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.
Thank you Sickandtired
Thank you. You clearly know what you’re talking about.
Isn’t it funny I always thought myself independent? Decided at a young age I would rather have no romantic relationship than a bad one, and lived according to that. But I was used to getting a lot of attention from men, and now there’s none. Even my ADD husband, dysfunctional though the marriage was, always expressed deep love for me. It’s almost like I can’t live without that external gaze on me.
My young self would have scoffed at this un-feminist weakness.
I guess we’ll all be surprised many times at the twists and turns of life before the end.
Thank you for your kindness.
Handling freedom
About the new freedom you mentioned. I think considering ADD in all pursuits during the marriage (this he can’t do, this will be too much, maybe if I do it myself the kids can still have this etcetera) has made me hesitant and anxious. I can’t embrace infinite opportunity yet. I expect disaster. I feel limits to my own capacity. My knees shake at the notion of freedom.
I used to be confident and adventure-loving before marriage.
All I want at this point is security. Right after divorce, there was adrenaline. Now it’s tears, daily. It’s sorrow, not anger (which feels like a leap forward). But I don’t feel like I’m in such great shape. The future seems just too big a task to take on.