So I’ve come to a place today where emptiness stretches out around me.
I’ve almost accepted divorce, the loss, the grief, the void where children disappear every week.
I no longer dwell in the conflicts as much as before. I imagine my ADD ex husband with a new younger woman - always expected though not evident yet - and I sort of accept this, turning me into something old and spent.
I’ve probed my feelings for an old love this week. He used to be my person, but though he’s been the only possible object of desire Ive been able to imagine since divorce, I don’t want him.
My father passed when I was in my twenties. There is now no man I trust and feel deeply connected to.
I’m sure this feeling of emptiness might be another step forward after divorce. But it makes me so sad today.
How do you go on from here? I know this year is supposed to carry me forward professionally, deepen friendships and strengthen interests, but I feel so meek in front of it. Not bitter, just weak. Ive worked incessantly to understand what’s happened and repaired all I could, made boundaries, and sort of feel it’s mostly done. I did all I could. Now what?
A colleague announced today she’s leaving for another workplace. I felt it affected me. Like the lack of meaning of all we do engulfed me briefly.
It’s so empty.
Comments
Freedom
Maybe you are looking at the glass half empty rather than half full. You have your freedom now, and you don’t seem comfortable about what to do next. You have unlimited possibilities now rather than being merely an unappreciated caregiver. Please try to embrace your freedom. Do you know that abused women are typically uncomfortable with people who treat them with respect because they are still so used to being disrespected? They have a familiar reaction to disrespect, but are at a loss how to react to respect. Think about it. You are in uncharted territory at this point in your life. You need to practice doing something good for yourself every day because you are accustomed to having your needs come last or completely disregarded. Don’t look for an old lover to soothe your loneliness. Try to become accustomed to being comfortable alone with yourself first. Don’t give in to negative self talk. Don’t torture yourself with negative fantasies of your ex living happily ever after with some younger woman. I engaged in that when I found my ex’s Facebook page and saw his lovely new wife. She was a Christian and he seemed to be “saved” and a changed man. This made me sad, blaming myself for not being able to “forgive” him, or turn him into a decent person as she had seemingly been able to do. Now I have found out that she ( his fourth wife) has divorced him for the very same reason I did… lying and cheating. Don’t give in to your fears. Don’t warp your sense of reality with doubts that you could have done better. Embrace your new freedom and look to the future with joy and anticipation of the wonderful things to come. I was 60 when I left my ex, and now I have a wonderful life full of joy and love. If I can do it, so can you Swedish! You are so much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.
Thank you Sickandtired
Thank you. You clearly know what you’re talking about.
Isn’t it funny I always thought myself independent? Decided at a young age I would rather have no romantic relationship than a bad one, and lived according to that. But I was used to getting a lot of attention from men, and now there’s none. Even my ADD husband, dysfunctional though the marriage was, always expressed deep love for me. It’s almost like I can’t live without that external gaze.
My young self would have scoffed at this un-feminist weakness.
I guess we’ll all be surprised many times at the twists and turns of life before the end.
Thank you for your kindness.
Handling freedom
About the new freedom you mentioned. I think considering ADD in all pursuits during the marriage (this he can’t do, this will be too much, maybe if I do it myself the kids can still have this etcetera) has made me hesitant and anxious. I can’t embrace infinite opportunity yet. I expect disaster. I feel limits to my own capacity. My knees shake at the notion of freedom.
I used to be confident and adventure-loving before marriage.
All I want at this point is security. Right after divorce, there was adrenaline. Now it’s tears, daily. It’s sorrow, not anger (which feels like a leap forward). But I don’t feel like I’m in such great shape. The future seems just too big a task to take on.
What I did
I spent a year and a half during and after divorce writhering in pain for what my ADD partner did and didn’t do.
Now as this is clearing away, I’m starting to anticipate my own failures. The ADD relationship mistakes would be enough. But this now extends to all troubled parts of my past… It’s turning 50 year in my circles which means reuniting with dozens of people, now friends of friends, that Ive functionally lost. They have been important. Most of them have been lost due to ADD shrinkage of social circles, and that was painful.
It seems a common theme in these relations is jealousy. People envied me things, and that was uncomfortable, and I tried to be very humble, and then was disliked.
Another theme is ex lover in the same circle wanting to destroy me for leaving them years earlier. It happened at the time when I became a mother, and I was very vulnerable to the confusion and possible criticism of me among friends. I was devastated at what it did to my closet network. Our family actually moved away to get some distance to it.
This scramble of unresolved issues has sort of lined up in front of me this year. Soon I’ll meet them all after decades. I feel I should make amends. Also stand up to some people. Now I’m no longer weakened by an ADD partner. I felt all the bad things with these people happened when I was with him, who had no means of defending me, and who also made it impossible to do social balance acts independently.
The question is, what did I do to them? Except finally flee into my ADD marriage, which of course may have seemed like discarding relations. Was I too confident originally, trying to outshine and compete with others? Was I a bad friend?
What did I do? I walked into these relationships with a warm heart. I still ache for these people (including, impossibly, the bullies, and the vengeful ex). I must have made them resent me, but I’m not sure why.
Does anyone have experiences similar to this?
How to go on?
I think friends can be a big part of moving on...I've got a few very close friends, and I've been doing some things with them from time to time...I've also started meeting with several former classmates, (reconnected on FB) that are christian's also...We've been doing a bible study once a week...A small group of us have plans to go to West Virginia in Feb, to ride our side by sides...They have several major trail system's in the mountains and cater to the side by side community. You can even ride on the secondary paved roads that surround the trail systems (as long as you keep up w/ the speed limits, and wear a helmet) and drive right up to restaurants, etc...
Also just wanted to say, meekness isn't weakness, it's much better!...You've been through a lot, and I think based on your posts you are moving forward! :)
As for as relationships goes, each person is different...Some of us have had years of accepting we have no loving intimate spouse...So the past might be the past much quicker...Not so for some, others may drag regret and distraction (unclear minds) around a while...Plus there are other concern's based on our conviction's in life...I'm sorry you haven't a connection with a male whom you feel you could trust, and open up to...I know that must be hard!...But I'm here!
Blessings!
c
Thank you C
That sure is comforting!
I do believe friends are incredibly important in this. Like you, I’ve tied closer bonds with several good friends since divorce.
I’m so glad to hear you’re making plans for the immediate future to enjoy yourself with friends!