What happens when you are your partner reach an impasse about how to move forward in your relationship? I got email today from a woman who wrote about how she and her husband are ‘stuck.’ She wants to work on repair, while he expects her to ‘act like nothing has happened in the last five years and move on’…including have sex together.
This couple may be stuck, in part, because they are moving in opposite directions. While it is impossible for the two of them to repair painful memories by ignoring them, his general direction is to live in the present, as many with ADHD do. She, on the other hand, is more focused on what has happened over the last five years. This is pretty common for non-ADHD partners, and particularly non-ADHD women partners. ‘If we discuss it enough,’ the thinking goes, ‘ we will come to understand it better and be able to relieve the pain and move forward.’ What really happens, in my observation, is that discussing the past creates additional pain – both for the ADHD partner (who often feels as if he/she is being blamed for all the past experiences) and for the non-ADHD partner as he/she relives those past, painful experiences and (subconsciously sometimes) sees their continuation in the present day interactions.
A better approach would be to focus on the present and the future, making each day you are currently living as positive as possible. I’m not talking about plastering a smile on your face and pretending to be happy. Rather, I’m suggesting that making an effort to create positive interactions, and an effort to notice and comment on positive interactions, can improve your current situation. Call it the power of positive thinking.
This approach doesn’t magically fix things, but it does tend to make the conversations you have between you be about problem-solving, rather than about blame. Furthermore, it makes each individual in the partnership responsible for creating – right now – good interactions.
To get there, it helps to empathize with your partner’s misfortune and problems. In the best scenario, this leads to forgiveness – both for your own participation in painful episodes from the past (and you are always a participant!) and for your partner’s missteps. That forgiveness allows you to approach your daily interactions with a more positive feeling and a sense that a different future might be able to be had.
This ‘focus on today’ approach won’t work if your partner isn’t thinking the same way. (NOTHING works, in the long run, if your partner doesn’t work with you to address your issues…see the two posts at the end of this post about the impact of denial.) To succeed, you must both understand that your task is to make today the best it can be. And that, as a task, is a whole lot more manageable than ‘fixing what happened before’ which, by definition, is impossible. Over time, if you follow this ‘working on the present’ to its logical conclusion, you will also address the issues that plagued you in the past. After all, until the symptomatic behaviors and negative responses you have had get addressed, they will keep coming up in your present moment. But the ‘today-focused’ environment in which you tackle those challenges should be quite a bit more contained (i.e. manageable) and more positive – both of which increase your likelihood of success.
As for the sex issue? That's often a difficult situation for couples in trouble. My personal view is that a short-term refusal to have sex can be reasonable, but over the long-term it is unreasonable to assume a relationship can prosper if one partner demands monogamy but refuses to have sex. It is also unreasonable to expect that sex will be happy or good if the more interested party isn't paying attention to the issues the less interested partner reports are interfering with (in this case) her desire to have sex. In other words - both partners need to 'give,' listen to each other's needs, and attempt to address those needs...as well as try to find and give intimacy.
Denial posts that may be of interest:
My blog post Getting Past Denial
Words from my husband about the importance of ADHD partners getting past denial
My blog post at Psychology Today, ADHD Doesn't Cause Divorce, Denial Does
- MelissaOrlov's blog
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Comments
I am very conflicted about
I am very conflicted about this because I actually DO want to focus on the present and the future. However, my ADHD husband is not managing his symptoms, but he THINKS he is doing better. He keeps telling me he's doing so much better, and the only way I know to explain to him that he's not is by listing recent examples of repeated patterns (very recent, as in the past few days or week, not bringing up the past 7 years). I don't want to live in the past, but I don't know what else to do.
We took your class that just ended, and while we were listening to the calls, he seemed very interested and committed, but as soon as the calls were over, his mind was somewhere else. He never did any of the homework and never put any systems in place. Unless it's right in front of him (and it's never right in front of him unless I put it there), It's like he forgets that he still has ADHD and that he is still responsible for coming up with outside structures to manage it. When I ask him about it, the only responses I get are "I'm working on it" or "I've been doing a lot better". But the fact is, he's not doing anything any differently than he was before the class, except maybe using it as more of an excuse (in last night's argument he said "I know... I messed up. It's just hard for me with the whole now/not now thing"). It feels like by focusing on the present and the future, he is getting an unlimited get out of jail free card.
I read the posts about denial, but I don't really know if you could call it denial because he readily admits that he knows he needs to deal with it. And when I initiate conversations about it, he participates in those. He agrees that he needs to put systems in place, but he doesn't actually do it. It's always up to me to initiate it. The part that is actually up to him and him alone, he isn't doing unless I tell him what to do and give ultimatums (which I really hate doing). I really don't want to divorce my husband, but I can't carry on like this either and I don't know what else to do. He does agree to things like counseling and coaching when I threaten divorce, which makes me think he WANTS to try, but I can't keep letting it get to this level in order for him to do something about it every time.
Hi...lilithe1
I can sympathize with your feelings...but, your husband isn't you, doesn't think like you and never will, regardless of your efforts or ultimatums....Your asking Red to be Blue...And refusing to accept Blue...
We (as in me too) do this because we want what is acceptable behavior to us...I suggest you start looking at your husband as the person he is...If that forces you to leave then so be it. At least you can give up on your fervent efforts to control or fix another person. Speaking from experience, learning the painful lessons of Acceptance vs Expectations will free you! You may find a whole new peace for yourself. With him or without him.
Boundaries + Acceptance = Forced Accountability, limits mothering, increases positive interactions and mutual respect.
No one can tell another how to love them...All area's of true love flows out from the lover, it can never be beckoned...Only given and received....
reply to "I am very conflicted about" post
Your story is my story, if not in every detail, in the basic content. I have no smart comments or advice, but have written just to say I empathise. I have reached the heights of anger, threatening to leave, it all does nothing. My husband is mired in HIS problem and despite all I have done to try to help him, he just makes excuses and I am separating from him. It is an odd feeling to leave someone I still love very much, but he will destroy me with his lies, his financial irresponsibility and I am just tool old (almost 60) to take it anymore. It is a 2nd marriage for me and we've only been together for 7 years, not too late for me to start over, although some days I feel I will die from the sadness of it all - he just uses his ADHD as the excuse for everything and I want more from life than listening to lies.
Agree
I agree with the comments posed. I was just on the porch with my husband of 9 yrs. just now and we were having a great talk. Then I disagreed with him on something I thought was unfair concerning political news he'd brought up, asking him a question he couldn't answer. This frustrated him and instead of just saying he didn't know, he ended up saying that he wasn't being listened to and commenced to trying to reverse my perspective. When I said that I had a right to my opinion, he then argued that I didn't know how to be an active listener. For 9 yrs. I've heard this when he doesn't have an answer that will win his arguement. I'm not looking for "the win" but he always is. It is weary and he will lie or either change his stance to win too and relay it as if he said that all along.
He thinks Atterall has been the cure, but not. I found out about other drugs that help with emotions and told him to check them out with his doctor, and although he seemed agreeable, it hasn't happen. We got in an arguement 3 months ago and he didn't know what to do with his frustration and hit my office door, knocking out a full wooden panel. He was remorse and shameful afterwards, but it took an inspection just 2 wks ago for him to actually fix it. All the while I'd been periodically asking him to because it caused me such pain to look at and told him so.
We've been through Melissa's course and he hasn't applied any of it--out sight, out mind. When I do, he acts as if I'm changing, trying to hurt him--he always acts the victim but if you'd say that he goes berserk as if his actions don't effect anyone, especially me. I'm working my way slowly, but surely out of this marriage. I have to--to have a life. And it is painful because I remember all the love I had for him, but he doesn't keep his promises and treats me as if I'm the enemy whenever he doesn't get his way or I disagree with him. Denial is so painful on so many levels. I can't feed it any more and he will blame me when I leave but at this point I don't care. And that's the problem, he hears me say "I don't care" and his response is to go to Facebook. I can't and no longer won't be intiaitaing all I can to keep this marriage together by myself while he benefits and tells his self illusions.
Oh, the need to WIN. My H is
Oh, the need to WIN. My H is the same way. I find it baffling that he can go to Facebook and hold debates and never gets angry when a friend post an opposing view, though he will beat them down with his retorts. But if I ever state I have an opinion or feeling that is contrary to his, it's WWIII!
While I tried every suggestion our marriage consoler suggested, and did the reading and tried the whole live in the moment and practice having no expectations (meaning I'm not to ask for anything because he sees that as saying he can't do anything right) he did nothing but go to our session drunk and did his best to be Mr. Charming (like he always is). I did this for 3 months. Never asked for help, his time, affection, focus. Never said a word about the hurtful things he likes to say and do to me. And I made sure to praise him for even the smallest positive thing he would do (like make coffee). He was happy as a clam. He had no pressures and could do whatever he wanted with no repercussions. And while it was nice not to fight and not have Facebook used as a public place my disgruntled husband goes to encourage all of his friends and family to bash me, my resentment grew and grew. Until something happened where I HAD to ask him for something. I truly needed the emotional space.
My son had confessed he had felt very sad and angry, for reasons he couldn't explain. He confessed he was having thoughts of suicide. I shared with with my husband (this is his step son). At first he seemed as worried as I. Then I spent the day talking to his school consolers and finding a therapist for him and working with my employer about moving my hours around. This was all happening as I was dealing with some health issues that came up just the week prior and I was working 12 hour days to cover a co-workers leave in my office. To say I was taxed would be mild. Still, I asked for no help from H. Until, he brought up he though my son was faking it to get attention and I should do nothing, don't give in to that kid and let him win.?? WHAT ??
I explained that he could have his opinion however I disagreed and would continue to support my son. H kept badgering me and tried to prove his point time and time again. I asked him to try and understand where I was coming from and asked him to please keep his thoughts on it to himself and to stop badgering me, I was under way too much stress to fight with him over it. He said "Ok, babe." And then, not 3 hours later, while I was cooking our dinner he started in on me again! I told him to stop and then the fight was on. He called me names, insulted me and my family and my son and said he has gone to Facebook with it and everyone aggress with him! He just had to win, had to prove his was right because he always is.
The resentment dam broke. I pointed out that I haven't asked anything of him in months and the one time I needed my husband, he just couldn't do it because winning was more important than me. I basically said I didn't need to be married if care was a one way street and I went off on the Facebook thing (it's my number 1 issue how he uses that site to hurt and humiliate me!). To which he responded that we could just get a divorce. When I said yes, let do that. He promptly went to Facebook to blast to the world that I was crazy and he was leaving and that my son had gone too far this time. He bragged about how perfect he has been and that the 2 of us (my son and I) were mentally ill.
We were separated for 2 weeks (it was awesome) and then he begged to come home. Said he really wanted to make it work. Said he would see his own therapist so he could be a better man and that he would go back to a new marriage therapist. But, 2 weeks after that I started reviewing the options for a new therapist I found and he said he wasn't going because he didn't need one.
The only reason he came back was because of money. My car is in his name and until I fix my credit and get it on my name, he will stay. I only know this due to his Facebook posts.
Yes, he will do anything to win. I do not understand it.
I have been drawn back to these 2 particular posts . . .
For all intents and purposes, I am on a course of enjoying Liz's life. And, as it stands today, there is that little bit of dreamer in me, who hopes/believes my marriage will survive. That is no longer the goal. My story, his story, our story is still in the intense chapters of who is really in what role - the antagonist or protagonist.
By far, the best thing I have learned: it is Liz's responsibility to be in charge of Liz's roles. It's a good thing.
1. ". . . it is unreasonable to assume a relationship can prosper if one partner demands monogamy but refuses to have sex. It is also unreasonable to expect that sex will be happy or good if the more interested party isn't paying attention to the issues the less interested partner reports are interfering with (in this case) her desire to have sex. In other words - both partners need to 'give,' listen to each other's needs, and attempt to address those needs...as well as try to find and give intimacy."
2. You can feel sorry for yourself and blame the world and everyone for your current challenges (very easy to do in your current circumstances), or ...
You can step back and take in what happened and why, and then chart a course to correct the actions (and lack of actions) that contributed, over all these years, to your current dilemma. With a new course, you will likely be able to continue to be a father to your children and a reasonable partner to whomever you might find in the future. You need to come to grips with the fact that you didn't lose your wife, you actively and passively drove her away. You need to fully understand how your actions and inactions affect others (wife, coworkers, children, friends), and correct them. Awareness is a good start, but it sounds like from reading your and your wife's posts, that you did not quickly enough turn awareness into action.
Treating ADHD is not just being aware of the symptoms and how they manifest themselves, but treating yourself (via meds, exercise, diet) and then learning how to change behaviors that have become habits over an entire lifetime. Yes, unfortunately, meds and other ADHD "cures" allow you to start changing behaviors, but do not in and of themselves make the changes for you or start to solve most of your problems (Let me be clear - I am NOT against meds for treatment of ADHD - they are in most cases required and in many cases extremely helping in allowing you to work at changing your habits).
Who knows, if you change your behaviors and the attendant outcomes radically enough and quickly enough, your current wife might notice and change her mind before the divorce runs its course. But, that should NOT be your expectation or even your goal, it just might be a pleasant collateral outcome. If you make it your goal, your wife won't believe the effect will last (you have given her ample reasons to doubt you over many years). But you will end up as the person you want to be, the father you hope to be, and the positive ex-husband partner in raising your children. Divorce doesn't allow you to abdicate responsibility for your children, and that responsibility is best exercised when you have a positive intra- and post-divorce experience.
Your choice. Wallow in self pity (and be guaranteed the outcome you dread). Be the man you want to be, and increase the possibility of saving your current relationship (from near zero) and to ensure that any future relationships will not suffer the same fate.
Sound too harsh? Sorry. But I wish someone (besides my wife) had sat me down and read me the riot act. I could have saved one marriage, and not caused my second/current wife a decade of intense pain and anguish.
ps If you want to know what actions/inactions to change, peruse the forums here. Many partners of ADHDers have been quite clear, but their spouses don't/didn't get it. I didn't for the longest time. And get help.
Liz
*******I have recently seen a lady looking back at me from the mirror - and I said, "Hello friend. Long time no see!""*******