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I know quite a few couples where one partner doesn't have ADD and the other does (and yet is not taking prescription medications), who have had successful relationships, but I only know of *ONE* such situation where the  couple had kids.  (All the other relationships I've known involving kids and an ADD parent who was not on meds and/or in counseling ended in divorce.)  This one couple managed to survive the trials and tribuations that tend to come along with ADD in relationships because the husband (with ADD) had had a very disciplined upbringing that developed positive coping strategies including the ability to self-examine, which together with a strong sense of responsibility allowed him to be very successful financially.  This was important because money constraints and problems are often a big negative impact on ADD marriages -- with his financial security, he was able to afford to spend money to help solve some of the problems his ADD generated.  He was also wise enough to recognize that he did not handle money well, and let his more competent wife (non-ADD) deal with managing the money he earned.  Even this couple, however, had some traumatic problems at several points, and their two sons (both of whom have ADD also) were definitely adversely affected by their father's ADD problems in various ways.

My own marriage to a man with ADD has involved 15 years of misery (5 years without meds or counseling, 10 with) -- frustration, anger, despair, anxiety, stress.  His behavior was better on the meds, but my husband did not receive any kind of disciplined upbringing, and for much of our married life had a seriously impaired sense of responsibility.  This was not an intolerable issue early in our marriage, but after we had children, it became a very big deal.  Even with the meds and counseling, I could not rely on my husband to supervise our children safely.  He could not appreciate the need for some degree of consistency in raising children.  He had a lot of driving-related problems that cost us a lot of money that we didn't have to spare, and while I was always able to manage things so that it didn't impact our children's necessities, it had a lot of other negative impacts on everyone.  He got us into financial trouble at other times through carelessness with money, before I took over all financial management.  I seriously considered divorce many times but ultimately felt it would be worse for our kids if we divorced than if I gritted my teeth and stuck it out.  Add this on to the classic ADD behaviors of  communications problems, lack of awareness, impulsiveness, memory problems, hyperfocus, inattention -- this is not a good environment for kids to be growing up in!!!  I've done all I could to minimize the impacts on our kids, and they are able to support themselves and be fairly functional people, but they have definitely been scarred by all this.

And you must keep in mind that in many ways, I am one of the lucky ones!  My husband accepted his ADD, got treatment, and worked to improve his behaviors.   There were times he wanted to leave, too, but he stayed like I did for our kids' benefit.  He worked hard at his job and earned a decent living to help support his family.  Gradually over the last 20 years he has developed a better sense of responsibility and a certain degree of discipline, but only due to my determine and persistence that these improvements were critically needed. We have finally reached a place after 35 years of marriage where we are happy, not miserable, but we've paid a very high price to get here.

You say, "When he is himself he is caring, calm, insightful, great at communicating..." (my italics/underline), then talk about how he quickly can change to a different-seeming person.  In saying this, you reveal that you do not really understand his ADD.   Both types of behavior ARE himself, and so are other different behaviors he may manifest.   I don't mean to say that he has a split personality -- what I'm saying is that ADD brain function typically results in a certain lack of consistency in thinking and behavior.  If you don't like it now, you're not going to like it any better if you marry, and you'll probably like it even less if it impacts your children.

You also say, "If it [his ADD] were never to change or improve, could I deal with that."  What if it gets worse?  as my husband's ADD did as he got older -- and that's not unusual.  If my husband's ADD had stayed the same as it was when he was in his early 30's, we would have been fine -- not perfect, not problem-free, but nothing I couldn't handle.  But as my husband got into his late 30's, his ADD got significantly worse, launching us into the 15-years-of-misery period.  By then we had kids.  I ended up having to sacrifice my career, my peace of mind, and my health over those fifteen years to make sure our kids grew up safe and as mentally sound as I could manage.  (Please note, however, that both are in counseling now that they are adults and have moved away from home -- there's a strong possiblity that my son, who also has ADD, will *never* be out of counseling.)  My case is not unique -- this can happen to you.

Bottom line -- if your partner is a paragon of discipline and responsibility, or if you are emotionally very strong and functionally extremely competent, enough to effectively be a single parent -- if you have read and listened extensively to the experiences of people like me and the professional guidance to be found in the writings of Melissa Orlov, Ned Hallowell and other ADD experts so that you well and truly understand your partner's brain function and behaviors -- and if you are willing to risk the possibility of your children needing therapy for extended periods of time -- then you are probably in fairly reasonable shape to go forward with your relationship with your partner.  Otherwise . . .

I have a daughter who is in a relationship herself with an ADD partner, and I will say the same thing to you that I've said to her:   Please please please do yourself the biggest favor of your life and learn all you can about this before you make any decisions about your path forward.  I don't say that you shouldn't proceed to the next level, but make very sure you go into it with your eyes wide open and prepared for what can happen.  Read everything here on this site that you can.  Read Ned Hallowell's books.  Ask questions here.  Those of us who have been through the experience want very much to help you avoid the agonies we have been through and will be glad to offer whatever we can from our experience.

Good luck!

Leah:  I don't want to sound like a party pooper but I can't even begin to tell you how difficult you will be making your life.  I am 44 and have been married for almost 20 years with 2 kids.  My husband and both my children are ADHD and up until about 2 years ago, I was made to believe I was the crazy one.  I would serioulsy reconsider marrying anyone with ADHD.  In the beginning they are very attentive and focused on you (sounds funny I know) because you are capturing their attention and this is what initially draws you to them.  But after the vows are said and children are had (even before the children) their focus begins to move elsewhere leaving you feeling very much alone and holding the bag on most (if not all) important and unimportant responsibilities.  I have spent the last 20 years feeling alone, overwhelmed, have had no peace, and the mother of a 52 year old man.  Lately it has been much worse as I swim in a mountain of debt and cry myself to sleep nearly every night.  I am stressed to the max and have no one to turn to.  My instant reaction is to just bolt and never return but can't stand the thought of leaving my 12 yo daughter.  If you read this site with any diligence, you will find the same theme for spouses who are married to ADHD people and more so for women who are married to an ADHD man.  I would avoid it all costs - better to end now before children (who are also likely to have ADHD) are in the picture.