Tara Parker-Pope’s article in the NYTimes today is creating a lot of conversation around ADHD and how it impacts marriage, which is a wonderful thing. But there are a number of people who seem to be responding defensively to the idea and suggesting this is just another way to get people with ADHD drugged up. Far from it – treating ADHD doesn’t necessarily mean medications, though they can help. Also, knowing about ADHD in your relationship doesn’t commit you to doing anything differently – though I’ll almost guarantee that once you do know you’ll BOTH do at least some things differently and be happy you learned about it.
Treatment
First, the treatment part. Treating ADHD within the context of an adult relationship can be thought of as a three-legged stool. The first leg is making physical changes to your body – specifically to your brain. These can include taking fish oil, doing regular aerobic exercise and, yes, taking medications. All of these things increase dopamine in the brain, and a low level of dopamine is one of the big issues with ADHD. The second leg is behavioral, or habit changes. This is creating coping strategies that accommodate the fact that an ADHD brain works differently (for example, can be easily distracted). Good habit changes might include setting up regular reminders to do particularly important tasks, learning not to retreat from conflict conversations, or finding structures that work for you to curb impulsivity. The third leg of treatment is developing new patterns for interacting with your partner. Good examples of this would include creating verbal cues to interrupt repetitive types of conversations before they spiral out of control, or creating ways for the two of you to address sensitive topics without one or the other putting up a defensive wall or triggering shame. As you can see, I think of treatment in the context of a marriage very broadly and for both partners, not just the ADHD partner. Medications – seen as “evil” or scary by some, are just one possibility in the treatment “arsenal” and it’s up to the person with the ADHD to determine what he or she feels comfortable with.
Learning About ADHD Means Options
In my mind, what’s really exciting about learning how ADHD can impact your relationship is that it gives you more options – and a much clearer path towards improving your marriage. If you aren’t taking the ADHD into account as you try to repair damage to your relationship you may well be solving for the wrong problem. And just like in middle school math, if you solve for the wrong problem, you will likely end up with an unsatisfactory answer. Here’s a simple, but all-too-common example: After a wonderful hyperfocus courtship, the ADHD partner suddenly “goes off in his/her own world” and pays little or no attention to his non-ADHD wife. She responds by feeling understandably rejected or wondering if she’s not interesting or has done something wrong. So she tries harder to get his attention – pushing her way into his life as she can (sexy lingerie is one typical tactic – nagging is another). He remains distracted (because he has untreated ADHD and is easily distracted). She pushes harder still, but he’s still distracted. She decides he doesn’t really love her so much and feels increasingly lonely and isolated. Next time he asks something of her, she snaps at him. Not realizing this is because she’s feeling rejected, he gets angry that she’s snapped at him “out of the blue” and feels put out, angry or rejected by her. Since neither one can see what’s really going on, and since the distraction will continue until it’s addressed as an ADHD symptom, this downward spiral gets worse and worse.
In this case, if both partners knew that “distraction” was the issue, not disinterest, then the non-ADHD partner’s response could have been completely different and far more positive for the relationship. She could have talked with him about the distraction and together they could have figured out times and ways for him to show her he cares…avoiding the negative spiral all together.
Imagine the improvements that can be made when you understand these patterns better! Again – you don’t have to do anything, but if you don’t know about how ADHD impacts relationships then it’s quite possible you’ll misinterpret what’s going on and not be able to change the patterns. I see this all the time – couples who have tried and tried, often with professional help. But since they weren’t thinking about the ADHD they never got to the root symptoms that were initiating their problems.
Learning About ADHD Means Making ADHD-Sensitive Choices
Also, knowing about the ADHD lets both partners make choices about their behavior that are ADHD-sensitive. I like to tell people that “trying harder” is much less effective for people with ADHD than “trying differently.” For the most part, people with ADHD are already trying really hard (even if their partner can’t see this). Living with and reigning in ADHD can be really exhausting. But by the time someone is an adult, this struggle is often happening mostly internally, sometimes making it hard for the non-ADHD partner to see – particularly if they are observing through a cloud of frustration or anger. Having a “tool box” full of strategies that can help and ADHD partner manage his or her symptoms better can literally turn a marriage around. Likewise, having a non-ADHD partner who understand ADHD issues and how to respond to them can lighten the load for both partners.
And this is where my book is different from some of the others that are out there. Not only do I focus on the specific steps you can take to make both your lives better, I make sure that both partners understand that it takes two people to make this work. My “steps” start with empathy because I have seen time and time again that once both partners fully understand the impact that ADHD has on their relationship (and on their partner) they are internally motivated to change it for the better. ADHD symptoms underpin many issues, but by the time you are thinking about where your marriage became so hard the non-ADHD partner is contributing to your problems, too. No one turns a marriage around single handedly and to expect that everything rests on the shoulders of the ADHD partner is unrealistic and, often, damaging. Particularly if the ADHD partner feels that he or she is being “blamed” and becomes defensive or depressed as a result.
The ADHD experts who’ve read my book in pre-publication like my approach. You can get more details and their impressions at this link.
P.S. In two-ADHD couples it is likely that one person has learned to manage ADHD better than the other and takes on a role similar in many respects to a non-ADHD partner.
- MelissaOrlov's blog
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Comments
Mostly Dissapointed
Some times it become so frustrating to see the misconceptions people have about ADD is drives me crazy. Especially when I look over at my children.
I was also disappointed with how this article focused more on the poor NT spouse as the true victim of ADD and not the spouse with the ADD. Someone on another forum put it well: "Most of the attention is paid to the non ADHD person trying to adjust to an ADHD'er and all to little to the ADHD'er trying to adjust to the non ADHD world and non ADHD partners."
There are no articles, no books, no websites that empathize with an ADDer trapped in a NT world. Just ones that list our symptoms and how we ought to fix ourselves. I'd love a book called "Living in a Neuro Typical World" ... The first for ADDers married to NTs. The second in the series can be about in-laws who think your's, your husband's and your child's diagnosis is bunk. The third can be about getting the school (and workplace) on board. And the fourth on how to maintain friendships when your friends will judge your poorly for such lame reasons as having a wrinkled blouse or mismatched towels in the bathroom.
The comments on how our symptoms are "completely manageable" are laughable at best and misleading at worst.
But at least it got people talking, not always constructively, but talking.
The good news?
I think you'll find my book well balanced when it comes to attending to the needs of the ADD spouse as well as the non-ADD spouse. That is the feedback I've gotten from all of the folks who have read it pre-release (see comments on the books page). I agree with your comment that there are a lot of misperceptions out there about what ADHD is all about.
I think we need a fifth book
MIss B, I had to laugh at your list of books, because it really hit the mark. Even though I don't have ADHD, I've had to grapple with each of the topics in books 2-4, on behalf of my ADHD spouse and son.
But while I can understand why you might want that first book, I'd like even better a book called "Changing a Neuro Typical World". Honestly, I've always had a big beef with a world that can't tolerate differences, that insists people have to conform with a given set of parameters (like endless high school, for gosh sake!), and that punishes those who don't. Too many people get too uptight about too many things that just really aren't important. A hundred years from now, who will care whether those people's towels matched or not? What matters is whether they were clean and whether there are enough to get everybody dried off when needed.
[One of the things I really want to do with the rest of my life is educate an ignorant world, even if I have to do it one person at a time, about the value of diversity -- not the kind of politically correct diversity we talk about these days, e.g. racial diversity or ethnic diversity or cultural diversity -- but diversity of thought, diversity of character, and to stop trying to stuff not only the square pegs, but the hexagonal pegs, the trapezoidal pegs, the triangular pegs, and the parallelogram pegs into those blasted round holes. And I think our world would be way better off in general if we could learn not to just be tolerant of, but really truly try to understand, people who are different from ourselves. Thank you, now I will get off my soapbox! I can't help thinking that this could also do folks with ADHD a lot of good and might help to make your book #1 unnecessary.]
But I do have to take issue with one thing you said in this post. I'll absolutely agree that folks with ADHD are the *immediate* victims (although also occasionally beneficiaries) of this disnormality [I'm coining a new word here -- I really dislike calling ADHD a disorder -- it makes it sound like there's something broken -- and abnormal has connotations that aren't appropriate either]. But that doesn't mean that the spouse isn't a victim too. We didn't sign up for these problems any more than you did. Both the ADHDer and the non-ADHD partner are "true victims".
In my experience, while the ADHDer may suffer more greatly from the consequences of ADHD, the ADHDer typically also derives more benefit from it as well. One great gift that ADHD bestows on many of its immediate victims is a short attention span or memory, so that many disappointments or problems can be forgotten or ignored. When as a non-ADHD spouse you lack that gift, and ADHD-related issues are producing significant negative impacts on the relationship, the cumulative weight of all the unforgettable misery in living with the fallout from your ADHD partner, and the recognition that the future holds only more of the same, is more crushing than most folks with ADHD can understand. I don't know quite what's it's like to forget all the time (although I've had a similar experience during one part of my life) -- I imagine that you don't know what it's like to be unable to ever forget. Either can be a curse or a blessing, depending on the situation.
As I've understood your posts, you haven't had experience in a partnership with a non-ADHD spouse, so I can understand why you might not have seen how ADHD can be just as devastating to the non-ADHD partner as to the ADHDer. I hope you will believe me that the pain is very, very real, and not just something cooked up by a lot of whiny philistines who don't know how lucky they are.
But like yourself, I do wish that the article in the Times had been more balanced -- I feel that way about most ADHD-related publications and I hope Melissa's book will be an exception.
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
I'm sorry if my comment about
I'm sorry if my comment about being a "true" victim was taking to mean that I do not think the nonADD spouse is not affected. What I was trying to express it is seemed the article was unbalanced, focusing on the nonADD spouse and the main or only victim and the ADDer sort of ... a hapless and bumbling tag along. I am not sure if that makes clearer sense!
I am not married to an nonADDer, that is true, and it has been many years since I dated one (though I have dated nonADDers). However, that does not mean I am not in any relationships with NTs and nonADDers. My sister, my brother's wife, my hubby's side of the family (except for his grandfather who is now passed and whom we think was likely ADD) my step-mom, my grandmother, and possibly my youngest son (so far so normal!) are all NT or at least nonADD.
I grew up watching my sister seethe with disappointment, confusion, frustration, shame and resentment at being an NT in an ADD family until it turned into a kind of rage. I see my hyperactive brother struggle in his marriage as does his NT wife. Most of the people in my social circle are NT, same with the workplace (when I am working). You get the point. A person with ADD is always in relationships with nonADDers, even if we are not married to them.
Please do not think I am not sympathetic to the plight of a nonADD person living with ADDers in their life. But please also understand I will see things from an ADD perspective first and foremost. And the ADD perspective is of a person who is disrespected, marginalized, often abused, scapegoated, looked down upon, scoffed at and treated as less than equal ... often starting as young as the age of three.
Working on "trying different"
I think you have the correct 3 legs.
I was diagnosed 1.5 years ago and have been married for 15 years, so we have many ingrained behaviors. My wife is not ADHD and has likened me to another child, so the NY Times article was bang on in that respect.
We're struggling with "trying differently" but keeping hitting some well entrenched habits. For example, while doing household chores, I'm easily distracted and we both know it. Prior to figuring out new strategies, my wife, catching me not "on task" more than once, would get frustrated and her reminders would turn into nagging and I'd get angry - it often spiraled out of control. We discussed what to do differently and I think we've tried the following, unsuccessful, ideas:
The other thing you mentioned, "[figuring] out times and ways for him to show her he cares…" is also a challenge for me. I'm not sure if this is an ADHD thing or something else, but I read this as "schedule wife appreciation time" and when I'm put in this situation, I freeze up. I can't think of nice things to say and the situation just feels artificial. I prefer spontaneous, but when it comes to wife appreciation, I suck at it.
If your book tackles these scenarios, I'm interested. If anyone has advice now, I'm all eyes.
(I'm also in between meds right now as I try to find something that works for me - exacerbating these problems.)
Thanks - Jay
Thank you, Jay--I appreciate
Thank you, Jay--I appreciate your candor. As a non-ADHD spouse, I have to agree with you that all the strategies above sound great on paper but don't work all that well in practice. I hope there are some fresher ideas on this site, in their book, or somewhere.
Good luck to you and your wife.
I dunno, Melissa--I'm not
I dunno, Melissa--I'm not convinced the problem for the non-ADHD spouse is feeling a lack of love or interest: I think it's sheer frustration and exhaustion at taking so long to get from point A to point B all the time. I know my ADHD spouse loves me, but he genuinely doesn't see that thinking about doing something is not remotely the same thing as actually getting it done. It drives me crazy, and makes me angry/bitchy/guilty/depressed, while he--being a sweet guy who's, well, easily distracted, can't quite remember what all the fuss was about.
My husband has an ADD and
My husband has an ADD and just like you said... I also feel angry and now depressed because of his behavior leaving everything for me to do because he can not remember what to do. I feel that the non-ADD spouse are living with guilt and it is our job to take care of them because they are not remember. I just get to a point where I can't do this. Now we are in counseling and keep complaning of little things. The couselor said what ADD has to do with him not getting something done? I am like what is wrong with you... can't you see he is just angry all the time and just blame me for everything that goes wrong. I hate to say that every wife or husband can't find a way to work this out must get a disvoice or live like this. We are living in hell and they just say... oh I have ADD. I say so what... get yourself up and function.
I understand your frustration and anger
I get where you're coming from, but thinking that an ADD-er can just get themselves "up and function" is like expecting someone who needs glasses to start seeing better without correction. If your counselor really doesn't understand how ADD is impacting his behavior, I suggest you find another counselor.
I hope you and your husband can work things out. It sounds like he needs to either try the medication route or work on more coping mechanisms so he forgets less. It's not easy and requires effort from both of you.
For Vicki
Your frustration is obvious, but your conclusions don't take the reality of ADHD into account. Your husband's inability to get things done suggests that he is not fully treating his ADHD. Furthermore, your counselor needs to know about ADHD or it's unlikely you'll come to a full resolution.
People with ADHD don't make progress by "trying harder" (or as you put it, getting up and functioning). They do better when they "try differently" - using treatments and coping strategies that take their ADHD into account.
ADD people should take responsibility of their proplem
ADD people should take responsibility of their proplem. He does take his med Addreal for a long time. I think he needs to add to it or make some changes. The counselor told him to see a psychogy to evaluate his med and she saw him he is agree all the time. But he refuse and he said his med is fine and I am the problem. I do see him better when he is on the med but by 5 pm when I get home he lose it. He is not working now... he hardly work during our married for 11 years. He only work 3 years out of 11 years. now he told you I can't find a job.. no one is hiring. He stays home... by the time I get home at 5 pm he wants to clean the house, he wants to cook dinner while the kids some home at the same time and they all asking me for full attention. I am one person. I can't take care of him. I am responsible to take care of my kids (2) but not make him 3. We are the same age and young at 37 years old. He should take a charge of himself. It should not be the wife job to help them out all the time. Like you said " try differently". no one is taking care of us. We have to figure thing out by ourselves. It is unfair that we carry this "sickness" of their the ADD is creating a monster in life. It is no way that we should be responsible to take care of their "careless" needs because of their ADD. There should be a better way to do this.
He may need an additional
He may need an additional smaller dosage in the afternoon or evening so that his meds are still working at home after 5pm. When the meds wear off there is a kind of crash or rebound that happens, suddenly you are left with feeling very poorly and no energy. The ADD gets worse for a while after the meds wear off.
My son gets an additional small dose of a different and short acting med after school and my hubby changed his afternoon dose to something slightly higher so it doesn't wear out right when we need to make dinner. Though this does mean that sometimes they have a harder time sleeping and it can affect their appetite at dinner. Its all a trade off.
Your anger
Your anger is an issue in your marriage - just not the only issue. The double denial that you describe - him denying that his ADHD is a big problem and you denying that your anger and frustration are causing a big problem is discussed in my book. Bottom line is that you can only change yourself, so that's a good place to start...but you will remain angry as long as you have to give up or suppress large parts of yourself to deal with his ADHD so you need to disengage from his ADHD a bit without disengaging from him. I know this doesn't sound rational, exactly, but see my post about setting boundaries in the favorites section for some insight into a good way to do this.
Can you explain that more...
Can you explain that more... "you have to give up or suppress large parts of yourself to deal with his ADHD or you need to disengage from his ADHD a bit without disengaging from him."
FYI... I had my own counseling and I know I can't change him. I am working on changing myself and taking care of myself. doing a little change in myself and taking care of myself.
suppressing part
Harriet Lerner, who wrote a wonderful book about overcoming anger called "The Dance of Anger" puts the suppression basically like this: When you are giving in and going along rather than nurturing yourself, then anger is inevitable. So disengaging from his ADHD means separating him from his symptoms - he can be a wonderful guy deep down, but buried by his symptoms. Attack the symptoms, not him. (Anger is usually interpreted as a personal attack because our natural defenses tell us to interpret it that way.) And best to attack the symptoms somewhat together - you don't take over or "help" him, but you both could discuss what the end goal is - where you are trying to get and how you can constructively get there. That keeps you engaged with each other (productively) rather than unproductively (anger or disengaging).
You might pick up a copy of The Dance of Anger as it's very good.
the Book
I was giving this book to me by my mother in law. Yes, I agree with you on to separate the ADHD from the person and see him as he is. Just seem that he has an excuses to behave the way he is and we need to keep making changes. His mother is very controlling she had to do that because of his ADD as a child. Now, she wants to me be nice to him. I am like... I am trying to be his wife not a second mother (taking over your role). For example, I want to set up my home rule. If I don't want to have a shoes in the living room I have my right. She does the same. But she tell me I am asking too much of him. I am from the outsider I have my own disability which I can't hear. I am working full time job and with 2 kids. He still can't get himself to work because of his ADD. when I met him at first. I have no clue what ADD could be and thinking to myself how bad it can be. He can talk walk and function. Where I struggle to hear but that didn't stop me from getting a degree and working full time or cleaning doing the house work because I can't hear.
Many Things
The problems for non-ADHD spouses show themselves in many ways, including:
Likewise, for the ADHD there are many issues:
The only way to pin the "problem" down to one thing is to say something like this: "Undertreated or untreated ADHD, and the response that each partner has to the symptoms, is getting in the way of the marriage."
Yep
That describes the last 20 years....for both of us.
That is true for me... I feel
That is true for me... I feel down because he wear me out. Now, I am on depression med because I am stress out and lot of work to do on my own. Is that fair? We still have to take care of bills and work and keep track of everything in life while he can't do too much because of his ADD. That is just not a way to live and make excuses. I find this web site saying that we need to provide so much support in the mental status for ADD husband while the wife have none of the support. That just unfair.
Vicki, I agree with you
My husband demanded I be less angry at him while he wasn't working and I had 2 jobs (and he did no housework). He actually insisted I go on on anti-depressants as well. I agree, who nurtures us while we pour our whole life and soul into making their lives better. When do I get three years to sit on my butt and play Freecell, or whatever that game is?
Eventually it got better, but his "now" mentality makes him forget how much he hurt me, and also prevents him from making any amends or fixing the damage he did. I am still struggling with how to live with that. I am not sure that I can.
I heard from some one that in
I heard from some one that in the old way before someone get married they both need to go for exam making sure are healthy and understand whatever the other person has. If he or she has something and the other person can't handle they don't get marry. I love that idea. I think they should make it a law. If I knew my husband has an ADD and how it mean to live with it and I must take all the job and work in the family. Then I can have a say if I want to live like that or not. I think I would not have marry him. I am only there for the kids. I do not want the kids to think of me as a selfish mother. I want the kids to have a mother and a father in the house. That is the price I am paying. But, the ADD person do not see it. They are just blind.
thats a terrible thing to say
thats a terrible thing to say about someoen with adhd
Adult ADD
I have know I was ADD since Oct 11, 1987 when i read OUT OF A DARKNESS by Frank Wolkenberg. It was an article in the NYT Magazine, and I carried it around for years. As a special ed teacher I worked with ADD kids and their parents then, and sometimes still do. In all that time, though, I never sought out treatment for myself. It probably would have changed my life. Too late now? Maybe not.
Not too late...
I had no idea that I had ADHD until I was diagnosed a year ago. I responded well the the meds and has some sessions with a Psychologist and have been reading as much as possible. Un-doing bad coping skills is the hardest part for me. I am sad for the "Could have beens" if I had known about ADD earlier in life, but I am happy to see that the future can be better.
Best wishes to you...
Read the article and came to check out your site
I'm so glad I did. I think this is going to be a great resource for me and my family. Both my husband and my 11 yo son have A.D.D.
I blogged about it over at: http://blogs.babycenter.com/momformation/2010/07/22/add-taking-its-toll-...
I gave your site some link love, too! Thanks so much.
Thank you. I had no idea!
I would like to know:
I have been diagnosed with ADHD for the past ten years and absolutely hate it. Every single time something goes wrong instantly "it must be because of your untreated condition" It is instantly the reason for everything that doesn't work. I couldn't stand the medication I have been on so many differing doses and types that my body physically couldn't take all of the "attempts" to get the dosage right. How the heck is a person supposed to work?
The hyper focus is a problem but the accommodations are less of a hassle than all of the medication issues. I just can't get my spouse of 25 years on board on some of the things I need to have happen like making a check off list.
I also need a technique for not having the ability to divert my focus on something else. I run an office and have a hard time breaking off a project I am in the middle of to listen to a co-worker who wants my attention for a project or concern that they may need to deal with at that moment. I just don't have a great response that I will get to it but typically after I finish the project i am in the middle of.
It is also a concern that minutia can derail me from getting what needs to be done, done. I have to remind myself that I have to refocus on more important matters.
I was really surprised to find this Website and maybe you might have solutions for these issues?
I really cannot communicate as an individual how defective you really feel from receiving this diagnosis.
Any helpful techniques would be greatly appreciated.
I had been avoiding the NYTimes article
because of a couple comments made here about it being unbalanced, but with so many people coming to this site because of that article I finally sat down to read it. And I thought it was good, and pretty balanced, and seemed to address both sides of the problem. So I read it again, and I still feel the same way. I didn't get at all that it was pushing a "drug them" approach, and as a matter of fact mentioned that expecting meds only to do the job will likely be disappointing.
And I didn't get the sense that one spouse or the other was being called a true victim. I felt like it mentioned that both are affected. I did go back and try to count the references to each and I do think the affect on the nonADD mate did come out a little ahead in that count, but seriously I think a lot of times it's originally the nonADD mate that goes looking for a solution so it seemed to me to be in the sense of "do you experience this?" "It is possible that AD/HD could be at work in your life.
I think it would have been better had the article been a bit more in depth....seemed a little fluffy to me, but definitely not offensive (in my opinion of course) to either side, and I definitely didn't pick up on any misinformation.