Dr. Hallowell and his wife, Sue George Hallowell (who is also a therapist) are offering a workshop for couples looking to become more connected. It will take place on June 12th at the Westin Hotel in Waltham, MA, just outside Boston. While it's not specifically for couples struggling with ADHD, it will nonetheless provide inspiration and ideas to all who attend.
Here's a note from Dr. Hallowell about the program:
"The day will be full of information as well as interaction and instruction. Don't say you don't have time! Set aside the time and come. You'll be glad you did!
Couples who attend should expect to leave feeling inspired, refreshed, full of renewed hope and energy, as well as tools to make their relationship get better and better. We live in times that can be extremely difficult on couples. During the day, Sue and I will tap into our extensive experience in working with couples, as well as our 22 years of marriage, to offer concrete advice as well as practical exercises all couples -- married or living together, getting along well or upset with each other, newly together or together for decades -- can use to deepen their relationship and find the kind of excitement and fulfillment we all seek in love.
Sue and I combine humor with experience and knowledge to create a day that will be both fun and informative, engaging and useful, surprising and fulfilling. We will tap into the experience of all the couples who attend to create the magic a group of interested people always creates.
We look forward to seeing you June 12!"
For more information about the program, go to this link.
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Comments
Facing divorce
My husband has ADHD. He works from home and our house is a WRECK. It started off where just his office was a mess, and now it has spilled out everywhere. I used to o aroound picking up after him-wearing myself out and it was a never-ending cycle because I would just have to do it all over again without his help. We don't have a dishwasher and I really got sick of washing every dish he'd used while I was at work. I eventually stopped thinking he'd have to wash them when he ran out of clean dishes, but now he just wastes money by buying plastic instead of washing any dishes. Our house is horrible, and I can't live here any more. I have horrible allergies and he has pets that make them worse and he refuses to clean up after them. We will be facing our 8 year anniversary in June, and we have sex maybe once or twice a year. I can't stomach it. I am so sickened by our house that I am now sickened by him. I can't stand him touching me; i can't be intimate. I feel as though I have a roommate not a husband so I refuse to have sex with him. He has no desire to change his behavior or clean anything up and he blames me for being cold. He calls me a lesbian telling me I'm broken, telling me I'm dried up. He tells me on a daily basis that I am ruining us. I don't talk to him any more-I clam up. Everything starts a fight-even just watching TV. Every time there's a sex scene he says, "Now there's a real woman who knows how to take care of her man. Real woman LIKE sex. I used to have a real one." I don't even care any more. Part of me wishes he'd cheat so I wouldn't bad about leaving him. He's controling, demeaning, possessive, verbally abusive, and completely selfish. He calls me fat when he's mad. He calls me a cunt when I refuse sex. He doesn't even let me check the mail because he doesn't want me to see any bills. I pay no bills. My paycheck is direct deposited into an account which he never has given me the info to sign in to. I had perfect credit when we were married so he used my credit to fix his. Now I can't even get a simple checking account because we owe some bank money from seven years ago that I never knew about until I tried to open an account for myself behind his back. I can't trust him to do anything I ask him to so I don't ask him for anything any more. He doesn't make sure the trash makes it to the curb, he doesn't mow the grass ever, he doesn't bathe the dogs, he doesn't clean, he has no steady income, we can't have even one credit card for emergencies, I drive around without car insurance because he lies about it being up-to-date, he won't let me clean the house because it launches him into a rage, I can't control my own money. I work 60-70 hours a week, and I can't do this any more. I need help, understanding or a divorce.
Sorry but..
You need a divorce. Your husband is clearly abusing you, emotionally, verbally, mentally. He is stealing your life from you. You are supporting him and he controls your check in an account you don't have access to? He is a threat to your mental, emotional, and physical well being. You don't owe anyone that. He is draining every bit of life from you and giving you nothing in return. Do you have children? Honestly it doesn't matter because if they were watching their father treat their mother like that it would be more damaging than any divorce. You need to get out, fast.
How can ADHD medicine change
How can ADHD medicine change someone so drastically? The only time he is tolerable is when he decides to take it. I used to ride the roller coaster with him, but I can't any more. We do not have children. He came in the bedroom last night while I was watching TV to ask if I was feeling better-he'd een in his office working. He knew I'd been having really horrible cramps. I usd to not have them when I was on birth control, but he asked me why I bothered spending $20 a month on the pill if I wasn't going to have sex- so I stopped taking them. Vicious cycle this ADHD. I want off the ride.
Don't blame it all on the ADHD
Be careful not to blame all of his issues on the ADHD. Research shows that it is not that uncommon for other mental issues to work hand in hand with the ADHD.
I do agree with others, he sounds abusive. Abusive in ways other then what seems typical in someone with ADHD. A person who has ADHD is capable of a loving relationship if both parties are committed to making it that way and the partner with ADD/ADHD gets the help they need. As well where there has been long term damage both parties really need to see someone to help overcome all of the years of pain. Yes the ADHD partner may need different support, boundaries, then a non-ADHD or ADD person but don't we all have needs that require various measures to make each other happy?
He MUST want to make himself better, if he is unwilling to get the help he needs to treat all of the issues then you must protect yourself.
Take care of yourself legally
How in the world did you get to where your paycheck is direct deposited into an account that doesn't have you name on it? I am not sure that's legal.
You can get a bank account, maybe not a good one. Woodforest Bank, which is in Wal-Marts, doesn't check previious bank history. Or get a savings account and have your check direct deposited into it. Your HR department can do that, it's a common-enough request.
Get copies of your credit reports and fine out what accounts your are legally obligated on. If there are any that you didn't sign for that are in your name, your husband can be prosecuted for identity theft. Use your paycheck to pay the bills you owe (or need to pay, like your mortgage) and let him pay ones he created. IF he can't, let him take the consequences.
I've been married to a control freak like this, but he didn't have ADD. Your husband is a bully and an abuser. If you stop acting like a victim and exercise control over your own money, you may make him pay more attention to you. Then you can address the other issues with him or leave him and have some resources to start a new life. He will push back and make it harder but you can do it.
I'm sorry, but this doesn't
I'm sorry, but this doesn't look like someone suffering from only ADHD, it is someone who has other issues alongside it perhaps.
Just because someone has ADHD does not mean they are entitled to charity, sympathy or anything "just because" they have it. They have to want to change before they can change and after 8 years, really, I think you've obviously shown commitment to him without children and he has not repaid the huge favor shown to him by you. The way you describe your relationship screams abuse and ADHD may be a cause of certain abusive traits, such as causing Emotional Abuse by impulsive and ill-timed comments, but this smarts of an awfully self-centered man with no desire to change and as such, you reap what you sow. If I were a non-ADHD Female in your situation, I would divorce him without batting an eyelid and then sue him for all the issues he has caused you.
I'm sorry you are going through this and wish you the best of luck, whatever you choose to do.
Get out of this--fast! You
Get out of this--fast! You are describing a prison of torture. He does not deserve you. And here I am an ADD spouse whose non-ADD partner is the abuser (though as far as I'm concerned he has other mental problems, but God help me if I bring that up). ADD is not a condition that precludes decency and morality. I don't know what psycho-label to put your spouse under, but there is definitely more going on with him than ADHD--you cannot fix it, so don't even try. As one who lives under emotional and verbal abuse myself, but is so unsure about how I am interpreting things because I have ADD and I've been made to feel totally incompetent by an other who constantly criticizes, fault-finds, blames, twists the facts and threatens, I have check lists to keep my bearings. These may help to validate your feelings and perhaps give you courage to regain control of your life:
From a booklet called "Women's Rights for a Safer Tomorrow":
If you can answer "yes" to some of these questions, you may be involved with an abusive partner:
No one has the right to abuse you.
Does he blame you for causing his jealousy/anger/drinking/pressure and try to excuse his behaviour as someone or something else's fault?
Is it a cycle that happens over and over? hit/slap/hurt---feels bad, says sorry---blames you for his actions, repeat.
You have three options: 1)accept the relationship and live with it, 2)stay in the relationship and try to make changes, 3)leave and get on with your life. With abusers, the first 2 options will just maintain the status quo. If you are ready to leave, here's what you need in place:
There's more to know, and you can find more through your local legal aid society.
With my non-ADD spouse, I am living with verbal and emotional abuse. I have a great checklist for that too, to make sure it's not all in my head. I'll post that too if it will help you feel more secure in the fact that you are not going crazy but you are a victim and you don't have to take this.
About your banking situation, could you not go to your bank manager for a private meeting and explain what's happening at home? They may have a creative solution for you, ie a secret saving account where you can transfer part of your paycheck deposits. A straight savings acct. should not be a problem. Chances are, if he is disorganized and inattentive with the finances, he may not even open bank statements or be aware of acct transactions. Do you have a family member who could help you out there?
Good Advice