Married to Distraction in bookstores tomorrow!!!

We (Sue, Ned, Melissa) are excited and a tad anxious as we wait to see our books on the stands. This is like bringing a new baby into the world. We hope you all like our baby, MARRIED TO DISTRACTION: RESTORING INTIMACY AND STRENGTHENING YOUR MARRIAGE IN AN AGE OF DISTRACTION. Let us know, ok? Thanks!!!

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preorder

I can't wait to get my copy I preordered from Amazon.

brenda

Support groups based on "Married to Distraction" book

Ned,

Will you or anyone else be organizing local support groups to:

1. Read & discuss the book, perhaps one chapter per week;

2. Ongoing work with exercises AFTER reading the book.

If so, will the support groups be online, offline, or both? If you are looking for volunteers to host a meeting OFF-LINE in Greater Boston, I would be willing to cohost a meeting at least every other week in Arlington or Cambridge.

Driven2Denial (seeking to be healed from denial, delivered from distraction)

Marriage/Divorce/Adult Children

Dear Dr. Hallowell,

Thank you for all your work in the field of ADD/ADHD.

I can't wait for your book to come out. I've read all your others and heard Nancy Ratey describe my ADD habits to a tee. I hope your new book will help my daughter not only identify why her parents ended up in divorce but will help my daughter who is willing to learn have a healthy relationship one day (age 27). And, that is the key, willingness. Divorced with two adult kids with ADHD, both on Aderall and successful in jobs, my x-husband was not willing to take medication, even though he was amazed how well he achieved in his business when he tried it for the sake of our son. He's a workaholic, rager/pleaser, & caffeine, sugar and alcohol to control is moods, which is not to say my ADD symtoms/depression/anxiety didn't add to the mix of a difficult relationship. Like an article I read in this forum, my husband was a workaholic who couldn't stop moving. I have been personally helped with medications like Ritilin, but I believe the key is to combine a medication that works, not only for ADD, but the underlying disorders and depression/anxiety/OCD, alcoholism, etc, that sometimes comes with a package, and most importantly, a therapist who understands all the above and experience to fit the role of mentor, parent or life coach, because, as you know, there is not one happy/miracle pill. I have ongoing therapy with a pychiatrist two times a week and I've been able to help my daughter, who again, has the key to success to her success...willingness to learn, to be aware, accept and take action: The three A's. Alanon has also helped me living with disorders affecting my life. ACOA saved my life, backtracing my history in an alcholic family system. Despite all the names, the family systems awareness, all the therapists, hospitalizations, now without my x husband and the drama that ADD & underlying problems affected each member of our family, I have a closer relationship to a High Power outside myself and a therapist willing to not label and help me to move forward to unlearn survival skills that no longer serve me.

I read your book front to back and was my parent instructional manual. Little did I know at the time, we all had ADD in some form. From your original book my son received services when 504 funding came out, resources were provided, therapy for all of us and the result books like yours, local resources, gifted teachers and a motivation in my son (in my picture) he came from the difficulty of getting into college to now having put himself through Harvard Business School and a successful job. Yes, he and we all in the family are scared with emotional difficulties, he is angry at me, but was he and my daughter were my best teachers to getting them resources and now finding real self, now after divorce.

I'm on Disability Insurance for depression and & anxiety resulting in hospitalizations due to misguided psychiatrists not recognizing the symptoms of ADHD, not able to hold job... but somehow, made good choices to provide myself with a good quality of life.

Now, I have to learn how to take small steps, like to leave my house, do a small tutoring job and learn to take the train and spend more time out of the comfort zone of my house. Nancy Ratey helped me to feel less freaky about how hard it is to leave home with anxiety and a multitude of bags toting books, etc. to keep my brain from being bored. Now, my goal is to go out and walk by myself, execise daily, & to focus & relax, despite my desire to multitask and keep moving...to get to bed before 11:30 (2 a.m. is my norm) despite all the alarms I've set on my cell phone, huge signs. I'm on a better road. But, again, it's willingness and telling my brain what I know would be good for me.

My daughter is willing to read article from this ADD forum, I join telethons from Dr. Graham's ADD site, so after I read your new book, I will pass it along to my daughter in the hopes her relationships will not produce the havoc she had in our family growing up. There are no happy endings, just a journey to be in happy and content mode.

I has been a long continuing trip to become unaddicted to the drama that ADD which I believe is associated with ADHD, i.e, my family of four with this some form or another of ADD. I so appreciate your commitment to helping people make that journey less lonely.

I will also pass along your book to our Fairfield County, CT organization, CACLD, who are the only resource organization for disseminating information, conferences to support to parents and adults with ADD, here in Fairfield County, CT. They were around when my 30 year old was 8 & helped my husband and I educate ourselves. They are hurting for funds, like any non-profit and if you have any insights on helping a non-profit in this arena stay afloat, please let me know and I will pass it along. It's CACLD, Norwalk, CT.

One thing I have identified here is that there is no support group for parents of or adults with ADHD, but a great turnout was had when Nancy Ratey came to town last year. Learning skills and information about ADHD is important, but ongoing learning of skills is needed and not at the cost of an ADD coach or therapist. We have to help each other and currently there are no support groups around...maybe because no one can focus long enough to get it organized!

Again, much gratitude for your commitment this field and the other co-existing systems you address. Your work has helped me help so many people and mostly, my children who can help the next generation. Keep writing!! And, also, for myself and others who have trouble focusing on reading, will you have an accompanying CD? A CD or video to have for support groups, a format for reading, support groups, etc. are thoughts I pass along to keep the awareness, learning and skill building working into our brain. The CD in my car of The Secret's method of learning positive life skills keeps me focused on my driving and is my daily life coach and keeps my eyes on the road.

Again, thank you for your continuing contribution to the impact of this disorder in so many lives and which has sent two great kids to success when they could have fallen through the cracks.

Best regards.

Debbie J.

We Starting Reading your Book, and . . .

Our intent was to read and discuss one chapter together each week. After reading the introduction and first chapter, my wife (the one in our couple with ADD) wanted to read another chapter. I figured - why not? I was feeling that what we were reading was going to really get at some of the issues we are struggling with. A couple of times, my wife asked me - "Do you feel like that?" and I would tell her sometimes (or often) I do. We finished the second chapter and then I think we bit off more than we could chew - we read the third chapter. After which my wife was feeling that she (or perhaps more acurately, her ADD) was to blame for all our problems. I tried to reassure her that this wasn't about HER as much as it was about US trying to find more quality time together. That we were doing this to improve our relationship. But it was too late. She was feeling bad. I told her I know how hard she is trying to do things differently and that I appreciate that. She then said something like "You aren't so easy to live with either, you know" - in an acusatory way, and I asked, quite angrily, "Why do you feel like you need to attack me? I'm sorry you are feeling bad, but that doesn't give you the right to put ME down so you can feel better." And we had a big fight. Sigh . . .

Do you have any suggestions on how we can use your book together in a way that she doesn't feel it is just about HER doing things differently? That might not be a fair question - after all - she really IS the one who has problems with being distracted. I can easily turn my phone off for long periods of time, go days without checking email, etc. SHE is the one feeling stressed all the time, like she doesn't have enough time at work OR in her personal life, to get everything done. I, on the other hand, have an easy time setting limits, saying no, finding balance, enjoy down time, etc. So - it really is true that what you talk about in your book are mainly things SHE struggles with.

I don't think it was easy for her to hear YOU say in your book so many of the things I have been saying. I told her I have a lot of respect for her willingness to read this book and tackle these issues. It doesn't seem to help.

Any advice?

How best to use Married to Distraction book

Thanks for your comment and question. The book actually ends with a workbook called "30 Minutes, 30 Days." It is ideal for a couple like you. Each day, you reserve 30 minutes of uninterrupted time during which together you will do an exercise as outlined in the book. Each exercise is geared at promoting empathy and communication. And the exercises are not hard to do. The hard part will be reserving the time!!! Please do let me know how this works for you.

Thank you for the suggestion, but what do we do in the meantime?

Dr. Hallowell, I appreciate your suggestion, but how do we read the book first and my wife not hear everything in it as being about all the things SHE does that get in the way of our relationship? Are you suggesting we do the exercises first?

Reading the book alone

Your new book is excellent. I am the non ADHD partner and my BF was diagnosed three years ago at the age of 57. We have both read several of your books, and I keep "Delivered" next to my bed to refer to when he does something that confuses me. We do not live together, and right now we are going through a time we refer to as "down under" for him as he needs to deal with his elderly parents. During these times we do not talk, as he refers to me as a big distraction from what he needs to do. Now that I understand more about ADHD I can take care of me, but I have requested that he at least email me and let me know what is up. Prior to diagnosis he would just disappear and I had no idea what was up.

My friends who do not understand ADHD refer to him as selfish and uncaring, but Chapter Six, Seemingly Selfish, in the new book nails it. He has not read the book yet as I have not seen him, but talking about being overloaded helps me to understand what he goes through. He really cannot fit one more thing onto his plate - even if he cares. Learning how to not take it personally and to live my life is what I have had to do. I miss him when he goes under, but he is a lot more fun when he is available. Thank you for all of your research and this blog...it makes me feel that I am not crazy to love a man who has some tough challenges, can be a tough challenge, but can be a kind and caring man who does not intend to be selfish. Thanks.

selfish

We do not live together, and right now we are going through a time we refer to as "down under" for him as he needs to deal with his elderly parents. During these times we do not talk, as he refers to me as a big distraction from what he needs to do.

Tino,

Your situation is very similar to mine. Both me and my exBF are 57. He is dealing with his recently widowed mother. I have been told in the past that I am a big distraction when he has to do this kind of thing. It is so comforting to read your post and know that I am not the only one who has someone they love ignore them. "down under" is a good signal phrase for times like this.

I just finished Married to Distraction, and I need to reread chapter 6. The hardest thing for me during the year with my ex add bf is WITHOUT A DOUBT his appearance of selfishness. When I first met him, he took me to meet lifelong friends on a week long road trip. Guess what 3 friends in 3 different cities told me? He is SELFISH. I didn't understand at the time, but it is clear to me now why they think that way.

When his father had a stroke and laid dying for 3 weeks, I received ONE phone call and ONE email. I was so hurt that my best friend just shut me out of his life when I wanted so much to be there for him. From my perspective I was just pushed aside and forgotten, but I guess from his perspective he had too much on his plate and could not focus on me at all? He could not even return a quick call me or send a quick email so that I would not worry about him? I think a lot of problem is that one of a woman's greatest needs is attention and inattention just takes the life out of us.

I wish I could have risen to the occasion and given him more understanding not less, but I was so focused on my own hurt. I even sent him emails asking for his attention, but he just told me to "stay busy". He didn't even call when his father died, and later he had a hard time believing that he didn't call me. Our cities were 1800 miles apart.

I still talk to him and have seen him once since last October, but I know for sure that there is certain ADD behavior that he must overcome or we can never be together. There is also some nonADD behavior that I must overcome to accomodate him. I am working very hard to start my own business and have set aside the relationship indefinitely. I am using hyperfocus to grow career wise.

I plan to make an appointment with my counselor to help me define where I am too rigid, how I can empathize to a greater extent, and if there are skills I can develop to think differently. I want to be more of an observer of behavior rather than a reactor to it. I also want to prevent the effect of his extreme flexibility on my rather organized life in a logical, methodical way. Anybody got a good book title for me?

brenda

so much to share

Brenda...I have been through so much to get to the point where I am with my BF, and have had to find incredible patience to be able to deal with his "antics". Your situation is so similar and I feel that we could have so much to share. One thing that I have going for me is that I am a special educator - so I had to have some patience to start with and then read like crazy to learn more about ADHD in adults. When we first got together he had been diagnosed with bi-polar, that was when he used to disappear - for weeks at a time. After ADHD diagnosis, and a 7 month break up, and more understanding for both of us, I realized that he had to have the down times, but my deal was that he had to at least alert me. And now he does. Yes, we have times apart, but the reunion is usually great!

He just put both of his parents in an assisted living situation. I have never met them. Yes, I feel sad that I am not part of it - but he was in a 30 year marriage prior to me, and there is a fair bit of guilt there over the ex, the kids, and bringing me into the situation. Most friends think I am nuts, or at least used to, but this man can be kind, considerate, affectionate, is very intelligent and thinks I am too (!), loves outdoor activities and adventures, loves to travel, loves to laugh at really silly things, and when he is good, he is very very good, but when he is bad, he can be horrid. So I have learned to stay out of his way when he is horrid, and he, for the most part, gives me a warning. He really does not mean to be this way, but it is true, he cannot take in any more and during this time with his parents I have had a few emails and texts, but I feel honored to have that. We are approaching almost two years of being together the second time around, and I am happy to say that we have made tiny steps of progress. Not without help from Ned Hallowell's books, and the Hallowell Center (where my BF goes). And since I do more reading than he does, I am usually the one that teaches him - or rather, I print things out and read them to him.

One thing I read several years ago is this one line from one website: "with ADD it is better to use honey, than acid". Although there are times when I would like to kill him, or at least maim him for life, I hold my breath, try to relax, and rephrase what I want to say. It really does work. After years of him being bashed by teachers, adults, ex spouse, he can jump into a hole in no time when someone attacks him. He has thanked me for doing the work I have done to understand him, and I know that when he pops back up after this episode, we will grow together some more. I will say that when I first met him I was sure that we would live together. But I am thinking more and more that living apart is just the way it should be, allowing him his down time and me my time to not have to worry or take care of him. He has taught me to live a rich life without him there all the time, and I am pleased with how I do on my own! I was in a 25 year relationship and did not have the connection with my ex-husband that I have with BF. To me the work is worth it. Not at all what I expected, but worth it. Enough for now, but I have oodles to say.

Tino

with ADD it is better to use honey, than acid

Tino,

with ADD it is better to use honey, than acid--hadn't heard this one but will apply it.

I think you are dating my exBF's twin!! And perhaps we are twins too!! Almost every word you wrote is my total experience. He is totally wonderful when I have his attention. I've read at least 50 books, spent hundreds of hours online to wrap my head around all this ADD behavior. My exBF also "jumps into a hole in no time when someone attacks" My exBF has also thanked me for doing the work I have done to understand him. I also thought we'd marry and have a traditional marriage, but I think just like you now--allow him his down time and I will not fall into the role of constant caretaker.

I am also very pleased with how I am doing on my own after a 34 year marriage ended. Like you said the work to be involved with an Adder is worth it and not what I expected. I also had a connection with the Adder that I never felt with my ex husband that was nonADD.

It has been so incredibly validating to read you post these things because I was beginning to think I was crazy for even considering the type of life you say is working for you. I've been on these boards for months and listened to a lot of very good advice, but you have given me the kind of wisdom that I just knew was out there. I am so encouraged because you are a few steps ahead of me in understanding. I've been searching for that one person who gets where I am and you are her. This is one of those times that God has winked at me and today is a very encouraging one.

Brenda

validation

Brenda - Your comments validate all of my work and the many tears that I have shed trying to understand! I guess you could say that despite the buckets of tears - the positive stuff has won out over time. You write about not wanting to be a constant caregiver and that is exactly what my BF wants to avoid. He had a nagging mother and a nagging wife...no more nagging. He does not want me to take care of him, and to be honest trying to do triage when he is in tough shape just wears me out. He can take care of himself, and since on meds, does a much better job of balancing his life.

This same man who can seem selfish and need time off from me is the same man who dances in the aisles at Target while testing headphones, takes me on spur of the moment adventures and little trips that are usually just wonderful, can make a day of it at Ikea (lunch and dinner - it's like going to a theme park), makes breakfasts for eating in front of a fire, and on a hike last spring in the White Mountains in the pouring rain, stopped me to make sure my protein level was okay, readjusted my rain gear and pack, and walked behind me instead of barging ahead. That's why I love him and do the work I need to do to keep informed. So glad to have made the contact with you, too!

it's been said

you catch more flies with honey... I've learned to keep my AADder's temper in check by being very politically correct and speaking in a level tone. I get tired of making the conscious effort to do that but, it works!

one more thing to Brenda

I neglected to mention that prior to this recent down under time I was recovering from gallbladder surgery! Forgot about that! He came and stayed with me after surgery, was not the best nurse (his friend referred to him as Nurse Ratched), and seemed almost scared about my illness. After that he got a terrible cough, so I did not want him around. When your BF told you to "stay busy", I chuckle because mine would email me very non-emotional quick notes like "I hope that you are feeling better and getting some mild exercise". Okay, thanks for the support! But again, he was starting the trial with his parents, and I was okay, and a distraction. Glad I can take care of myself!

Restoring intimacy

Did anyone read Hallowell's new book, Married to distraction, yet? I would like to share experiences. I want to order it, because there are a few things I need to change.

I'm looking for a way to restore the intimacy in my relationship. I'm 26 and I've never had a proper sexual relationship with my husband (or with anyone else). Our relationship used to be okay, but is falling apart because of our sexual problems. We almost never had sex at all. I used to have PTSD (forced into sex by a former boyfriend when I was 17 and I stayed with him, so it kept happening) and problems with intimacy and my emotions because of my very negative mother, who thinks feeling things and needing things is a sign of weakness. Now I'm an adult I can make my own choices, but the emotional part is difficult to change. Something inside still tells me that I'm weak for wanting intimacy, that I will get used and hurt again. I have ADHD too, so I'm easily bored, easily irritated and easily overwhelmed. Every touch feels too intense, it's more than I can take. This makes it complicated.

I constantly have two opposite impulses at the same time. This is driving me crazy. Some part of me wants to have sex, but if I act upon this feeling, I feel scared, ashamed and dirty. I act out, shout at my husband, I give him the feeling that he is doing something wrong, because almost everything sexual I feel reminds me of severe pain and stress. I don't want to lose control again. I used to cut myself and I don't want to go down that road again. I don't feel attracted to my husband, but I want to spend my time with him and stay with him. If I think about other men, even someone like Johnny Depp, I feel like I would never want them to touch me. So I don't think my husband is the problem.

Can anyone relate to this? Is the book helpful? I would really appreciate your support and reactions. I would like to connect to others.

Better than the Book

The book deals with intimacy, but not with PTSD, which is the underlying issue you describe. While you may find the book interesting, a psychiatrist would be a better way to approach this.