Non-ADHD Experience

At times I become overwhelmed by the sadness and mourning for the relationship I *could* have with my spouse if he did not have ADHD.  I love him very much but I think about how much easier our lives, my life, would be if he did not have ADHD.  It is lonely being the only person in a relationship who remembers and takes care of the mundane, who builds on goals for the future, and who self-monitors.  There is also a component of guilt because certainly my spouse did not choose to have ADHD, just as people do not choose to develop cancer or heart disease.  Would I be as frustrated and as angry with him if his behavior was caused by one of those diseases?  Lastly, the misperception of the general public that ADHD just means that someone is hyper or has difficulty paying attention does little to foster support for families impacted by adult ADHD, and this also leads to loneliness.

When my husband started to "grow back in" to his ADD in his late 30's, it was initially very bewildering.  He had always been thoughtful before, and now he seemed so thoughtless and self-centered.  He became more and more inconsistent.  I was at a loss to understand what was happening  and therefore distressed and worried.  As his behaviors became more pronounced, his increasing "carelessness" and "thoughtlessness" started to become physically and financially dangerous to himself and to our children.  I stopped worrying about why he was behaving differently because I was too busy being very scared for their safety and our future.  I would tell him how scared I was, and his reaction was always that he would never do anything to hurt us -- he couldn't see at all that he could hurt us through negligence.

From fear I progressed to anger (I'd been brought up to get mad instead of cry).  We'd talked so often about the problem behaviors and how upset they made me and the effect he was having on the kids, and yet he was still doing them!  It seemed to me that he wasn't listening, he wasn't caring, he wasn't thinking, and that seemed really irresponsible and it made me very mad.  And it seemed like he listened better and thought more when I yelled!  So I yelled more and more, which fed my anger further.

Around this time my husband was finally diagnosed with ADD.  For various reasons, progress was extremely slow, which was depressing for me.  I knew it wasn't realistic but I wanted a silver bullet.  I spent a lot of time in despair that we would ever have a non-dysfunctional family life.  I was also very lonely.  Nobody understood what I was coping with -- his family was in denial about the whole thing, and my family just didn't "get it".  I didn't have any friends that weren't also friends with my husband, and he's so charming in public (and had fewer opportunities to show his more troubling behaviors) that nobody understood what I was coping with.

By the time we finally did work out solutions, I felt my life had been shredded beyond recognition, although I do understand that life isn't obligated to fulfill our expectations!  What has made me sad is that I always felt I had some special abilities to bring to the service of many people while I earned a living, and while I have managed to do some good things for a few people over the course of my life, I don't feel like I accomplished anywhere near as much as I could have.  Today through a lot of work and better meds, my marriage is happy again;  I am a stronger and hopefully wiser person; but I am scarred forever.

Before his diagnosis, a lot of confusion and hopelessness. We would argue about things, then sit down and discuss them, which always ended the same way - him promising to try harder.  He would, for several weeks, then once the hyper focus period on 'fixing things' was over, he'd slide straight back into bad habits.  My major problem was "He knows this is hurting me and making me unhappy, why won't he make any effort to change it?"

I come from an emotionally abusive family, resulting in poor self-esteem (among other issues), which is something my fiancee knew before we started dating.  At times, it honestly felt as though he had pursued a relationship with me because I wouldn't have the confidence to leave, even though I was miserable in the relationship. 

I also felt there was something basically 'wrong' with me.  To be treated badly by your family, then the man who swore to protect you from that, really made me think that is was a problem with me, not with them.  Why else would the people who are supposed to cherish you and protect you treat you so badly? 

Since his diagnosis, around 6 weeks ago, I feel hope and relief. Hope that we can rebuild our relationship - not to what it once was, but into something new that suits who we are now.  

Relief that it's not me!  

However, I still feel hurt and anger over things that have happened. I understand much better why he made certain decisions, but those things still hurt very much if I happen to think of them. Now though, I remind myself that our explanation of him being wired differently to me is very true and instead of taking my pain out on him, I run a bath, vent to some friends or lock myself in our room and cry until I've calmed down again. He hates that I need to do it, but understands that I do need to and that while I can forgive those actions, I will never forget them.

There are a lot of times that I feel bad for the way I am acting.  I know in my head that he doesn't do things to hurt or annoy me on purpose.  For example, I know better than to just try to start a conversation when he's on the computer - I need to get his attention first and ask him to give me a few minutes of his time.  But there are times that I just start talking and if he doesn't look up from the game he's so engrossed in, I get mad and blow up.  And before I'm even done snapping, I feel horrible because I know that I could have handled that better from the get go.   I hope that makes sense.

He and I still talk about dreams we have together (dream house, where to live, dream vacations, etc.) but now I don't get excited that they'll happen.  It's fun to dream and I let it go at that.  Because I know that he's a lot of talk.  That sounds bad, but I'm just not sure how else to phrase it.  

A lot of the time I feel a whirlwind of emotions.  Because there's a whirlwind of activity going on.  When he remembers to do things without me having to remind him, I'm thankful and happy.  When he's playing with our kids I'm filled with joy and happiness.  When he gets lost in his computer games and I'm feeling ignored, I'm sad and angry. And there are times when I just don't feel at all.  Mostly it's related to him playing computer games a lot and me feeling ignored when he does.  I just get so tired of the same argument that even when I think I should (or would) feel sad about it, and any other time I would cry, I just can't because I'm just numb to it.

He's a good guy, though.  He's trying new meds and working with a therapist.  And for that I'm grateful and proud.  

There is a long laundry list of specifics I could make about the feelings that come with being a non-ADHD partner, but honestly, what really crushes me in the relationship is the lack of trust I have for my ADHD partner.

I am a big believer in the power of one's word.  I've read somewhere that thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become your destiny.  And in my experience with my ADHD parnter, unfortunately, I've learned that I cannot trust his word...simply because they don't become his actions.

Flippantly saying whatever comes to mind without thinking it through, making commitments and not showing up, making promises and then forgetting, coming up with inspiring ideas and not following through all add up to a lot of distrust. 

Not being his word with small things, I may learn one day to accept and live with, but what's truly heartbreaking is the bigger things in life.  The dreams we dream together, the places we want to live, the countries we want to see, the life we invision living together...if I can't trust him and his word in every day life, how can I begin to trust him with our dreams will come to fruition?

Without trust, you cannot have a successful relationship, or you compensate for it, usually unhealthily.  Walking with a limp.

I've known for a long time that my husband had ADD, but didn't really know what it meant. He was diagnosed as a child, and was part of the Ritalin experiment in the late 80s. I knew all of this, but didn't really comprehend the ramifications. Our life wasn't always pleasant, as many can attest to. Looking back on the first few years of our marriage, I can see just which problems were caused by attention-deficit. Then our son started showing symptoms, my husband's became more pronounced, and my depression deepened. All I could think about was how much easier my life would be if I could just take my young daughter and run away...and that would make me feel so horrible, so guilty. But that was my dark dream, my black secret, to run away and have an easier life...

Now that my husband has realized the far-reaching effects of his symptoms, and is seeking help, things have gotten better. He has researched; I have researched. We have talked extensively with mental-health professionals. We are working together. Now, my dream has changed.

My dream now is to move out of the town we're in. We live so far away from any support group; we have no one but each other. In a way, this has been good, as it's forced us to work together. But I dream of having supportive friends and family nearby. I dream of living somewhere that's, while not necessarily on the cutting edge of medicinal breakthroughs, at least up with current research; our current city is so far behind it's extremely frustrating. So I dream of moving, to where the medical community is familiar with current research and can more ably help my family; to where our friends and family are, to give us support and lend a hand; to where maybe we can all breathe again.

Hi all, I'm new to the group and am SO relieved to read/hear about your experiences. My 45 yr old husband was just diagnosed this year so I'm still learning about this disorder, but I've felt all the same things you all describe: anger, guilt, exhaustion, the wish to escape...on the one hand, I'm very relieved to know what's wrong with him, but on the other, I worry that our marriage won't survive it. He's a good person but very child-like (increasingly so over time) and I'm supporting our family of four financially since he can't figure out what he wants to do. We have two kids, and the younger one is autistic, so that takes most of my energy when I'm not at work. I love my family and don't want to be a single parent but I honestly don't think I can raise my husband too. We get along well for the most part, but it's not exactly a partnership and I definitely cannot count on him in a pinch. How do you know when to throw in the towel - or not, as the case may be? I'm trying to hang in there until my kids are older but every single day is a challenge. Thanks to you all for sharing your stories, it really helps!

my goals and dreams are gone and there is little hope left... Maybe I'm more melancholy than anyone else but, I've been overwhelmed by the practical reality of everyday transactions. Working, cooking, cleaning... I once had dreams of friends and travels, achieving a certain amount of security or success but now I'm content to find a quiet corner where I can just breathe. I feel empty, abandoned, ineffective... I've lost my way in the maze of ADD behaviors that apparently dominate my life. It distorts my reality and I struggle to make sense of it. I'm thankful to be alive and on this journey through life, but I wish we could do something on purpose with a goal in mind. I wish I could set out to actually achieve instead of maintain... I feel like I'm treading water...

This is what comes to mind when I think about how I feel being in a marriage to an ADHD man.  When we first married I dreamed of the two of us being a team...tackling problems together, building a life together, growing together, supporting each other, being equals...and so on.  I anticipated the day to day marital problems, but was ill prepared for the problems that came with my husbands ADHD.  I realized early on in the marriage that something wasn't quite right, but I couldn't understand what was going on.  My husband wasn't supportive, he was distant and unemotional, he leaned heavily on alcohol and host of other problems.  I began to feel confused, frustrated, and very disappointed.  I kept thinking, "How could this be my life?"  "Why did he bring this (his problems) into my life?"  When you're in an ADHD Marriage (especially with a spouse who hasn't been diagnosed) everything spins out of control.  You try hard to wrap your arms around it all, to regain control, but it's futile.  No matter how strong you started out, you feel weaker from the journey.  In many ways, your initial dreams become just that...dreams.  You don't have the energy to pursue them anymore.  You end up settling in some ways.  You settle for what's easiest.

I was a self-assured, optimistic, successful woman before I met my husband. Although I am doing better now, for two years before he left, and for some months afterwards, I was crushed, negative, and constantly upset because I was being forced down by his disorder.

My health was in a downward spiral for years, and "miraculously" improved dramatically within two weeks of him leaving. That says so much about the stress level of being with him, right there.

But after making incredible progress for years in a very difficult industry, my career has stalled. I don't have the children I dreamed of (I dearly wanted children--my husband kept punting the issue--this broke my heart, and I insisted that we discuss it--he would not--he actually "vetoed" my getting pregnant, as though he had "control" over my life, and then blamed the issue back on me!). Now, because I waited so long (originally, in good faith), I may never be able to have children, and my heart is absolutely broken that I will never be a mother. So, on top of all of the pain from the marriage itself, I feel as though there's love in my heart that will never find a home.

After all of my husband's lying and gaslighting, I am extremely slow to trust now, particularly men. I was a very open, "everyone means me well" sort of person before I met him. I am no longer, and I wonder if I ever will be again. 

After years of saving when I was single to purchase my own home, I have no home of my own because my financial security is rough at best due to his debts. This leaves me feeling "shaky," although I am getting stronger and know that, eventually, I will be ok.

I used to be resilient, but his behavior has worn me down and I "hold onto" things more than I used to. 

Getting anything that makes me happy in life will take so much more work, and so much more time after having everything that brought me joy, in the doing and the planning, derailed. I am trying not to be bitter. It is difficult. I feel as though I was "robbed"--of my my husband and the wonderful life we should have had together, my career, my children, my security, my joy. Everything that matters to me--none of it was left untouched, all of it was harmed, some things irreparably. 

I was made to feel so down, so low, and that I deserved nothing good in this world. I am scrambling to salvage what I can of my dreams. Some are dead, and will never breathe again--dreams that would have, if not come true by now, at least I would have been able to give them a good try and could have laid them to rest after knowing I had put in my best effort. I was prevented from getting even that far.

My life and my heart feel so "broken" now, and I'm in therapy to put myself back together. I'm trying to grow new dreams, and reconnect with a few of the old ones.

I don't know if I love my husband any longer. I certainly don't love his ADD. To stay married to my husband as he is now would be suicide--I'd have to give up everything that I love and that brings me joy.

I never thought I'd be typing any of the above. Reading it back brings me so much pain. None of this should have happened. This shouldn't have happened to our marriage. This shouldn't have happened to me.

Chris, (non-ADHD Spouse)

I am so happy that you are striving to achieve a better quality of life for yourself, sincerely I admire you for the hard work you are doing.

I encourage you to write down those paragraphs and share them with whomever you wish.

I’ve read through the posts noted in this link below, and I agree with you; very sad.

Emotional wellbeing and feelings of happiness are elusive to many, many couples.

Reality is, there are as many unhappy couples who cannot so conveniently attribute that elusive happiness to the effects of an ADHD person.

(what about the unhappy marriages where ADHD is not in the relationship?)

These posts demonstrate despairingly tragic relationships; they all assume that the despair is a result of the ADHD.  I don’t buy into that.

In none of the posts do I hear the writer taking responsibility for their part of happiness in the relationship?    

Instead, I read an unspoken message of self-rightouness based on doing all the “responsible work” within the relationship that is misleading.

Because their partner has ADHD does not exonerate the non-ADHD of some of the blame.

An ADHD partner deserves recognition, validation, and appreciation for the desirable and wonderful qualities they bring to the relationship.

Strengths and weaknesses are the sum parts of all of us.

Being accepted, not judged as defective; is truly the miracle of love.  And this is ALWAYS a choice.

MVH (ADHD Spouse)

I've been reading this site for awhile but I finally registered so that I could reply to this blog post.  My username sums up how I feel being married to a man with ADD.  We've been together 5 years, married 4.  Four kids - mine (14), his (ADHD - 9) and ours (3).  My husband is my 42 year old child.  When I met him I had hobbies and things I loved to do.  For the most part, those things are gone.  Normally I'm the main breadwinner; right now I'm the only breadwinner.  I do 95% of the housework, child care, and the errands of life.  I gave up my hobbies because there is just no time left for me.  I tried to keep one hobby for awhile, which was taking dance lessons one night a week.  I had to give that up when my husband jeopardized our relationship with our babysitter because he could not manage to arrive to pick up the little on on time.  My husband keeps up his hobbies and mostly plays on the computer. 

There are so many things I could say to express how I feel about being in this relationship.  Truly I think I could write a book.  Sadness, rage, utter frustration, absolute exhaustion.  They all seem manifest themselves in a profound grief.  I have battled suicidal feelings, but I simply could never do that to my children nor my parents, and I cannot imagine my husband trying to parent our little one alone.  The thought frightens me into keeping myself going no matter what.

That's not to say that there is nothing good.  My husband is a gentle soul, very kind and tender.  If he were not like that, we would not still be together.  Sometimes we still have fun together.  Sometimes I have glimpses of the joy and passion of our first year together.   My life with my ADD husband is sort of like living in a rainy climate.  It's mostly gray and dreary, but once in awhile the sun comes out and the world is beautiful and sparkly for awhile. 

I'm very glad I found this site.  Reading the many blog and forum posts has given me comfort that I'm not alone. 

Some of the feelings that I have in my marriage to my ADHD husband are frustration, anger, anxiety, love, and dread, to name a few.  My husband's actions always double my actions because I'm constantly fixing what he messes up.  He was never taught what being an adult is like, i.e., responsibility, etc., so my role is dual in the marriage and that, frankly, is unfair.

Although my spouse is medicated, pills don"t teach skills. We are both stuck in aggression and defense but going to a counsellor to work this out. I often have nightmares where I am rummaging through an old basement and can't get out or that I am looking for a small amount of money to pay to someone to prevent myself from being killed. Other dreams parallel finding intimacy and sensuality with others. I feel depleated, emotionally thin and labile. She is warm and wonderful then distant and angry and I seem to catch her moods and the cycle begins after a "good period." I am trying not to be codependent but I feel I have no voice  that is heard or understood in the marriage. The more I remember my Ala-Non training the better I feel but it seems to put a greater distance between us and add a level of resentment from her side. I feel confused, lost and without direction; I want to run and hide and pull myself in. Due to the crazyness of the interactions between us I have I have considered suicide as a way out. It's the feeling of "which person in either of us will show up today" that keeps me unsteady on my feet. any suggestions????

I am relatively new to the forum; this is my first post.  But since my situation seems to be a bit different than anything else I've read here, I thought it might be good to share.

I am so blessed to be married to my husband of 9.5 months, who was, thank goodness, diagnosed with ADD when he was in law school (about 10 years ago).  He was likely also suffering symptoms as a kid, but because he is so bright and continued to do well in school anyway, his parents never questioned it.  It wasn't until his 3rd (final) year of law school that he finally saw a mental health professional who made the diagnosis.  My poor husband suffered years of depression and anxiety that were likely related to his ADD before he was diagnosed.  He continues to battle those, but having the ADD diagnosis changed his life.  It took him several years to find a psychiatrist he felt he could work with productively, and also a variety of experiments with different medicines.  He's now doing pretty well (never perfect, of course) on Adderall for his ADD and Cymbalta for his depression/anxiety.

He told me about his ADD fairly early on in our relationship.  We have both seen various mental health professionals at different points in our lives, so I think that made it easier for us than it might have been.  It didn't scare me (as much) that he needed all these pills to function well, and without them, he was like a different person.  It also meant I was more self-aware and willing to talk about what I was bringing to the relationship.

We've been together for nearly 5 years, and during that time, things have mostly been good.  Part of the reason we work so well together is that I am kind of a Type-A personality anyway.  So I just go ahead and do a lot of things that he is terrible at (cooking, certain chores, planning), and try to find other things he's better at.  It's important to me to live in a VERY clean home, and that was a struggle when we first moved in together, and I am simply amazed when I think how far he has come in terms of cleaning up after himself and keeping organized.  We used to fight a lot about how I wanted everything "my way," but he has since agreed that "my way" has its merits at times--and other times, I let it go because, after all, it's his house, too!  He appreciates living in a clean and organized house, so he usually goes along with things how I lay them out, and we tweak as needed to make sure he can actually keep up.  I learned to recognize that he just does not think or function the way I do, and he never will.  And that's OKAY.  If I married a clone of myself, that would make me crazy!  I actually appreciate being able to do things the way I want a lot of the time.

Sometimes he is a little resentful of being "managed" by me, but most of the time it works for both of us.  He appreciates being reminded about things about 80% of the time--and when he doesn't, I tell him he can't have it both ways--he can't be mad at me for reminding him, when he'd also be mad at me if I DIDN'T remind him.  Mostly he is grateful that I help him as best I can, and I am grateful for how hard he works to try make me happy.  I try to be a gentle reminder, rather than a nag, and that usually works.  (E.g., "hey, I know you had a busy day--did you get a chance to call so-and-so?")

We truly are a partnership.  Despite all the help I give him, I am not willing to "mother" him.  He is a grown man, and he can contribute to this marriage a full 50%, even if that 50% doesn't look the way I thought it might.  I refuse to take on ALL the household duties (we both have full-time jobs; no kids yet), so we worked out a pattern where he does certain tasks that are easier for him, and I do others that are harder for him.  Practically speaking, this means he does a lot of the laundry (I often remind him to do it, but that's not such a big deal) and vacuuming and dishes, while I do all the cooking, dusting, picking up around the house, etc.  Finances-wise, he handles the big-picture stuff (retirement, long-term savings), while I manage more of the day-to-day.

He has a pretty prestigious job as an attorney, and is incredibly smart.  His treatment has helped him become much more successful.  It amazed me to learn how well organized he is at work these days!  But he had to learn ways to deal with his ADD, and he did.  That makes me so proud.  He also really values my opinion, even about stuff at work, and I try to help him with the areas he struggles with the most--reading people, remaining calm and diplomatic, etc.  These are things I am good at, and it makes me feel good to help him--and then he feels like I want to help, and it's a win-win.

Meanwhile, he has brought a lot of fun and spontaneity into my life.  I am a very orderly person, and without him, I fear the order would take over all the fun!  He is so much more emotional than any other man I've known, which is mostly a sweet and wonderful thing.  He is very loving and thoughtful.  I have never felt so cherished.

This is not to say that everything is perfect--of course it isn't.  We struggle with how to communicate about his ADD.  I try to keep a sense of humor about it, so things don't get so heavy all the time.  He struggles with that--he takes so many things personally, even when I make clear that it's his ADD I blame and not him personally.  But we're continuing to work on that.  90% of the time, I don't mind having to remind him about stuff, or all the little things I do that he doesn't know about.  And the rest of the time?  I am trying to find healthy ways to blow off that steam (sometimes it's as little as turning my head and rolling my eyes so he can't see; sometimes I need to talk to someone else). Sometimes when he doesn't take his Adderall (he has to give his body a break every so often; it wears him out so be so focused all the time), he's very volatile and moody, and it can be hard then.  We're more likely to argue, and he gets mad when I ask him, "did you take your meds?"  Usually after 30 minutes or so, he calms down and we go about our day.  It is sometimes hard for him to recognize that as an "outside" party, I can tell when his mood or affect fluctuates because of his medication, whereas he's too "in it" to be able to be objective.  When he's changed meds over the last few years, this has been a problem and led to more arguing.  Luckily, it's always temporary.

Overall, though, we're both very happy and looking forward to continuing to build a strong marriage.  I think our individual self-awareness, respect for one another, and faith have helped us tremendously.  We have bad days, sure, but for now, at least, the good so far outweighs the bad.  Whenever he forgets something, unless it's really critical, I try to let it roll, and remind myself how many things he DOESN'T forget anymore, and how far he's come.  I know a lot of daily functioning is a lot tougher for him than it is for me as a non-ADD adult, and because I see how hard he works, it's easier for me to let the little stuff go.

I have been married to an ADD husband for almost 30years. The first 12 years of our marriage were a complete roller coaster ride of affairs, lies, crazy jealousy on his part (even thought he was the one having the affairs), booze and overall turmoil. We went to so many counselors but things just stayed the same. Finally, we separated and stayed apart for 6 1/2 years and I managed to begin to feel like myself again...more confident, regaining a spirit of adventure, more relaxed with the kids, making future plans, and enjoying life more. My chest wasn't tight and filled with repressed anger and sadness all the time. I could see beyond today's problems and into hopes and dreams for the future. I had more physical energy and very few aches and pains.

We have been back together for 11 years and life is not good. I feel like exploding most of the time and my body, especially my legs, are filled with a lot of pain.  No more hopes and dreams...most times I try to plan a vacation or activity, he "forgets" to get the time off from work or plans something else. This is with asking him if he would like to do this thing with the family and him responding "yes". This is with many verbal and written reminders of the forthcoming event. I am left taking long vacations with the kids by myself. I am left attending family reunions without him. I am left trying to complete projects around the house when we have asked others to come help us with something like... put up an arbor. The arbor project was this last weekend and something that he had agreed on during the previous week. I am left to explain why he is not there and to do it by myself.  I know that I have a choice when left to do these things on my own and could choose to not do them. At least in choosing to do them, I have a good feeling of accomplishment and fun times with others. I surely do miss having a partner in life, one I can depend on and share my life with.  The best description I have of what my husband is, is a fairly bad room mate...one that does not share in household responsibilies, that is gone ( emotionally and physically) when needed and who is grumpy and downright nasty at times.

He was diagnosed with ADD about 4 years ago and tried 5-6 different meds without much success. The Adderall worked well but made him grind his teeth so much that it was painful and not good. Nothing else worked at all. We have an appointment tomorrow to start work with a new Psychiatrist and hopefully get him started on trying some new meds. I will not stay with him any longer if he is not medicated. All the therapy in the world ( and we have tried most of it) will not keep me here if he doesn't get on some meds to make him an empathetic person at times and one with whom I can have a rational, responsible relationship some of the time. 

I know that I have done things wrong in this marriage, too. I have allowed him to manipulate me with his anger.  I have taken over the role of mother to him. I do not like who I am when I am with him...a person full of repressed anger and very little joy for life. In my effort to not yell and scream at his ADD behaviors I have repressed not only my anger, but my other emotions as well. As I respond to others in the family, I find that there is not much enthusiasm on my part to do things or be as involved as I'd like to be. I'm worn out from dealing with him. I look forward to when he is gone playing music with his band...life is peaceful and things make sense with real responses to situations and life. I feel crazy when he's around and I'm dealing with the ADD perspective of life. I have spent years trying to figure out what I could do to make this marriage work. Now, I would mostly like to just get out of this relationship and cut my losses. I will continue trying for the sake of the family and put my effort into this new Psych. and hopefully new meds. Only, though, if my husband gets a clear enough head to see what his ADD is doing and takes the responsibility to become the person that he truly is. That person can be so tender, loving and fun......someone that I see so rarely these days.

Hi, Melissa,

There are some other feelings that I have about being married to a man with ADHD.  I feel cheated out of a life that I was supposed to have.  Every day is a constant struggle of being a wife, parent, and a parent to my husband.  It is frustrating having to constantly take responsibility for your spouse.  Isn't the man supposed to take care of the woman?  I didn't sign up for a parent-child marriage, but that is what I got.  Since he is now taking Concerta as well as Wellbutrin, things have gotten a little better.  I guess the best way to sum up my feelings is "lonely" and "overwhelmed".  Believe me, it takes a lot of patience, perserverance, and faith to stay in a marriage where you have doubt, lack of trust, and insecurity.  Hope this is helpful to you.

God bless...........Clover1

i spent so much time getting myself to let go before i met my husband. i came from a very "type a" upbringing, an imperfect perfectionist with great grades, romantic dreams and a nervous stomach. i strove to let go of control, become carefree, live in the moment. i became a very "free spirit" according to my family and friends...felt light on my feet and in my heart, mostly. i defined myself by learning to take life less seriously, breathe and not worry over little things, like clean dishes or a perfect body. it's part of what made my husband and others fall for me.

now i'm the practical drag. i don't write creatively anymore, both because i'm exhausted by all the spinning chaos in my head, and because i don't think my man's fragile ego can handle the characters and stories i want to write. he could sometimes, but i know that at others he would obsess and be hurt or jealous of nothing, fiction. i feel like a prisoner in my creative mind anymore.  i'm the one his friends and family say is so good for him because i'm so "grounded" and "reasonable." i don't mind being described that way sometimes, but now i feel that's all i am, all i'm allowed to be.

my dreams are scattered now, my hopes so fragile. i've built back up walls it took me years to tear down. i fear if i stay with him, i will never have the moments of quiet and solitude i need to think or fully become myself. what's funny is that he helped me tear down so many walls, become vulnerable, allow myself to need another human being....then he started to fall through, over and over again.

he loves me so much that i still fantasize that we can have a romance and partnership to go with our easy, tender and engaged friendship. but the future is so scary to me. i want to love him and try, and i feel like we could be happy together...and never really be happy without one another. but i'm scared to spend my tiny daughter's young life and a vital portion of mine growing more tired, more bitter, or getting hurt the way i have been. it doesn't help that my famous family legacy is temper. i feel the universe is giving me the ultimate challenge to how i process anger, and to overcoming my own patterns - and i wonder if i'm buying into a life of struggle. i was doing pretty well with it, i thought, until the last year or so. i'm devastated that life has to be this hard and wondering if it really does.

i also sometimes still feel this is all my fault, that i'm impossible to live with once you get to know me, that someone else would love him just as he is, with few complaints, no matter how unrealistic that may be for anyone. i have my own self-esteem issues, as do most of us i suspect. i love him. i feel like i've failed him somehow. i also feel like i failed to choose a responsible mate, and that all the waiting i did to find the right one just led me to another guy who fooled me with his "potential." duped by my own insanity, co-dependency, whatever.

Feelings of the non-ADD spouse:

I am writing this knowing that my husband has ADD, and only beginning to grasp that this vastly affects every aspect of our social and emotional life together. I believe this has everything to do with where we are now in our relationship, a complete breakdown in communication or empathy for the other person.  The effect on me is that I feel completely alone in the relationship, desperately trying to talk about what things have happened that contributed to me feeling so distant, so unsupported and so lonely. My husband experiences this as hammering away at what he did wrong or only talking about what is wrong with him. He would much rather just move on and not talk about it because it happened yesterday. In reality we then just move on and create more distance between us, more misunderstandings and with no foundation to solve the same problems that arise in the future. 

I am feeling like this is hopeless. Just when I need him the most, I am at my most vulnerable and need the most support, he is in his own world, not connected to mine and I am the most alone. I feel angry and hurt and disconnected. This is even more highlighted when there is a major social emotional change going on. If I try to bring it up and analyze it, he explodes because I have already talked about it in the past. This makes me feel crazy and emotionally blocked and stuck. I am dammed if I do and dammed if I don't. My need to talk is blocked by his need to ignore it. How can one move on if issues are never resolved? Is that the plight of the ADD relationship, issues are never resolved, things never change and the non-ADD spouse just has to move on alone, unhappy, unconnected, unsupported, distant, and forever frustrated?

Seems like a no win situation.

I was 21 when I met the man suffering from ADHD who is about to become my ex-husband. I've been riding this rollercoaster for 10 years to the month.

When he and I fell in love, we both marvelled that we'd found each other, our soul mates. We shared the same values, our personalities clicked as if we'd always known each other, there was an intense chemistry that I've never known before or since - it really was love at first sight - and the more we knew each other, the more perfect it became: he was raised abroad and his family were all overseas, while my career in international development would take me abroad often. I couldn't have children and he didn't need any. We were both comfortable with an unconventional lifestyle and we were happy with the idea of making each other our home as we traveled the globe.  Although his life was a mess when I met him because he had overstayed his student visa and had become an "illegal," we took a chance and married thinking things would be much more normal once the instability in his life and the stress impacting his behavior were minimized with the regularization of his legal status.

But over time it became clear to me that his topsy-turvy life had to be due to more than his legal status.  Through my determined efforts to understand his typical ADHD behavior I was able to put the puzzle pieces together myself, but he would vascillate between accepting the diagnosis and denying it.  Six years after being professionally diagnosed, he still insists on believing it's a character flaw and not ADHD that makes him how he is, creating a cycle of self-hatred that pushes him toward destructive behaviors (substance abuse, cheating, lying, verbal/physical aggression, repeated job conflicts/loss, cheating, legal infractions). He resents my efforts to heal our relationship by trying to confront the ADHD situation. His favorite expression has become "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink"... he even has it plastered on his Facebook page.  So I'm divorcing him now, and of course whenever our relationship has reached a crisis point in the past he's been there to talk me back into staying with empty promises and lots of tears and declarations of love so he's doing that again.  But ten years is enough.

I'm still young, but I'm a realist too.  Losing this relationship is losing all the dreams that came with it.  It's not going to be easy finding someone like him again, someone who felt like a soul mate, who didn't need kids, who was ready to follow his wife around the world (!). If I get lucky enough to find someone like that again, it will be hard to trust and love as freely as I did with this man because the abuse, the lies, the cheating, the back-and-forth, the empty promises and the years of wasted love and support have drained me so much.  Now I have to pick up the shreds of my self-esteem and dignity.  Those who know me think that I exercised poor judgment by believing in him and working with him to accommodate or overcome his ADHD behaviors, which they simply see as immaturity at best and abusiveness at worst.  I know he needs a counselor and meds, and I kept trying to get him to accept that, but as he says, "You can lead a horse to water..."

Out of all the events of our roller coaster marriage, this one is the best example. 

Around five years ago, before I got pregnant with my son and long before there was any diagnosis for ADHD, my husband and I worked opposite shifts.  I worked the normal day shift and he worked the evening shift.  We had to do it this way to work around daycare hours for our daughter.  He would drop her off and I would pick her up.  So far, so good, right?

First off, I don't drive, so picking my daughter was hard.  She would throw fits and tantrums when I picked her up and tried to get her dressed to go.  The walk home or to the bus stop was torturous.  When I'd get home, I'd have to make supper for an impatient, cranky child, get her bathed and put to bed.  This was complicated by my husband not helping out with the housework.  I'd ask him to do the dishes the night before and lo, they still weren't done.  So I'd have to wash some of them, just to be able to make supper.  Add doing 95% of all the housework, his 5% done only after a lot of nagging and fighting on top of this.  By the time he'd come home from his job, I was spent.  He'd sit at the computer, play some games for a few hours without talking to me much, except to bitch about his job.  I'd go to bed.  He'd come in during the wee hours and wake me up, wanting to have sex.  Surprise, surprise, I wasn't much interested, especially considering I'd have to be up in a couple hours for work.

The crowning glory of all this is one day, while I was telling him how I felt and interrupting his computer gaming, he told me that I treated him like a slave.  I just stared at him.  He barely moved from in front of the computer screen when he was home, never did anything to help me out around the house, didn't do the grocery shopping or handle the bills or make the appointments but he was a slave.  

I've never forgiven him for that comment.  It hurt too much and still does.

I'll give him some credit.  He isn't as bad as some of the stories here.  He doesn't call me names or cheat on me.  He watches porn, but not to excess and that really doesn't bother me much, now that we've gotten the unreasonable expectations dealt with (Another story).  He also has learned exactly how much I was doing around the house and how little he was.  Roles reveresed when I got pregnant with our son.  I was so sick with morning sickness, I couldn't get out of bed.  I couldn't even sit up.  So everything I did, suddenly fell to him.  It was an eye opener and did start to fix somethings between us for a little while.  It didn't last and we've been hovering on the edge of divorce for years.  He can't change and I have no more patience for it.  It was recently suggested that he may be ADHD and I guessed that my daughter was too, since she acted the same as daddy.  She's been tested, he hasn't yet.  We can't afford for him to go to a private clinic, so are on a waiting list with the public one.  He's on medication, which does help somewhat, but doesn't stop the insensitive things he says and does.  I'm far too angry with him for the things he's said and done over the past 16 years to have any patience for him.  Its very hard to be supportive and I don't have any support myself.  Only reason I haven't left him yet is I have no where to go and with my current job (we both have different jobs now), childcare is almost impossible.  Don't know what to do, but I can't live like this. 

I'm exhausted. I'm tired of my entire life being made about his distractions, his dependence, his inability to handle anything in his life outside of getting to a job and playing video games. 

I'm tired of never-ending questions about the simplest of tasks, such as finding something in the refrigerator or whether "warm" on the laundry machine dial means "warm" water. I'm tired of being asked to check on chicken he's cooking every 3 minutes. I'm tired of his daily physical complaints with little-to-no medical cause. I'm tired of being interrupted in every conversation I have ever attempted to have with him.  I'm tired of having to wake him up in the morning because if I don't, he won't spend any time with our son. I'm tried of his mess. I'm tired of his hourly crises ranging from having hurt himself walking again or having lost something expensive again. I'm tired of broken and damaged items in my home, usually being brought to their damaged state within days of my buying them. I'm tired of receiving 4 phone calls within 20 minutes, because he can't read his own handwriting on a list of groceries to get. I'm tired of having no energy to care for our child, who actually needs me.

I'm tired of the headspace he demands from me.   It's not enough that he does barely any housework and what little he does he never finishes or he does more damage in doing it. (He washed my phone this weekend, right before he left his own at the grocery store.)  He has to go even further than zero and well into deficit, demanding my attention for every miniscule task of bsaic living that he attempts to take on.  I'm tired of his sabotage. I'm tired of his criticism. I'm tired of his black hole of energy and effort sapping every single resource from my own dreams.

I'm tired of watching the years of my life be wasted in his vortex of chaos.

I'm tired of his disability being made into my responsibility. I'm tired of his being around at all.  I dread weekends, because he's nothing but an even further drain on my energy with his constant questions and constant interruptions. I have no peace and no place to go. I have no friend in this house because nothing I say has any consequence. I'm tired of being less than invisible, wherein my feelings do not count, but neither can I ever be allowed to just be fully absent.

I'm tired of living my life in a Sylvia Plath poem.

"If the Moon smiled, she would resemble you./You leave the same impression./Of something beautiful, but annihilating./Both of you are great light borrowers./ He O-mouth grives at the world. Yours is unaffected.

...

"Your dissatisfactions, on the other hand,/arrive through the mailslot with loving regularity,/White and blank, expansive as carbon monoxide.

No day is safe from news of you./Walking about in Africa maybe, but thinking of me."

If I remain with this toxic, destructive man, I fear I will wind up like Plath too.

I am new to this site. Three years ago my husband was diagnosed with ADD but refused to accept it. We were having problems with his family and their lack of boundaries especially with regard to our marriage. My husband took us off to a therapist, but once I was comfortable, pulled out. I continued with therapy and am still in therapy. My husband's irrational, impulsive out of touch behaviour has driven me to utter despair. I feel lonely most of the time and his lack of presence (I describe it as him orbiting)is a constant source of stress for me. I found myself becoming an angry unhappy person. I even asked for anti anxiety meds to help me "deal" with my husband. I thought if I am calmer, I could get him to understand what I needed and wanted from him, from life and from our marriage. After 23 years of marriage I am without a career because we have travelled around the world in pursuit of his career. He never wanted to settle and wanted to change jobs or country every 5 years or so. After coming to the US with a 6 year old I put my foot down about leaving again to track down some new foreign country. Everytime I start studying or just finish a degree, we move to a new country. After my husband's ADD diagnosis, and refusal to accept it, we limped by painfully as I tried hard to hold my ground and try and estabish a career for myself. Eighteen months ago, he had an risky affair in China. Our son was just starting 11th grade IB. I have no financial security of my own. My legal status in the US is dependant on my husband's visa. To divorce him would mean returning to a country that I don't identify with as we have now lived here for 12 years (with a lot of conflict because of that). I have friends here, but no friends in my home country. I had no alternative but to try and work through this affair with him. He promised it was a mistake and that he would do whatever it took to make it up to me. After months of hearing him say he didn't understand why he had the affair, except that he felt frustrated by the situation that had developed between his family and me (boundary issues), I asked him again about the ADD. He seemed open to the idea and we mentioned it to the therapist, who immediately claimed he hates labels and never bothered to explore it. Months have gone by and the books lie around (I've read then and re-read them), my husband promises at regular intervals to start reading them but nothing changes. This past week a distant cousin re-appeared, blurring the boundaries again and I have felt myself being dragged back into the same arguments that we had before the affair and the resolution that we reached after the affair has disappeared. We again talk about ADD, and now my husband has agreed to have himself re-tested, but has the attitude that it's not important to spend time researching ADD, he'll just take the "pills"! I see my life flashing past me. He retires in 8 years time and wants to move back to Europe, but I can't face moving away from the friends I've made here to be stuck in a foreign country with a man who can't be present with me in the relationship. I need people and friends. My husband has problems making friends and interacting with people socially. He is happy to be alone. He likes to live in his own orbit and dips into relationships when he chooses to. I have spent 25 years of marriage wishing for, wanting to have the close connection that I feel marriage is about. It continues to elude us.

I was coming to this blog to read up on others' experiences as I battle with myself *not* to start a stupid computer game and instead do the important work that I'm behind on here in the office. I have not been diagnosed formally but I have an MD that has prescribed for me and it makes a difference for sure. All the same- I've known how much pressure and frustration I create for my wife but reading the stories from other spouses I'm just crushed reading the words. My wife could have written many of them (maybe she has) and I hate myself for the endless circle of exhaustion I must cause for her. She has to remember the appointments. She has to force us to sit down and schedule (and I act like it's torture). She has to keep us on task to accomplish things. She gets stuck doing the painfully monotonous and repetitive things that feel soul-crushing to me. It's ridiculous and I wish I could give her back the last 10 years of her life in many ways. She has endless patience and shows me she loves me constantly and God knows she probably shoudln't. It makes me cry.  Thank you for sharing your painful words.

Thanks to onceagain and clover1 for comments. In the last 2 days my husband has finally spoken to his neurologist about his ADD (he gets migraines as well). Fortunately the doctor has a lot of experience with ADD and has prescribed Adderall. Now we're fighting insurance to get it approved because my husband is not under 18?! Hopefully the prescription will be filled soon so that my husband can start trying the meds. When my husband is "trying" he is wonderful. Warm, loving, spontaneous. I am trying to learn to deal with his family on my own and not involve my husband. He is enmeshed with his family and does anything and everything to placate them - go with the flow. I feel like I'm a child when I'm with the family and my husband acknowledges that he does too, but is prepared to "put up" with it. There are times when our relationship is great but usually it's because I'm not expecting him to focus on too many issues. I'm trying to learn how to deal with the issues with a sense of humour and try to understand what it must be like for him. I think the good stuff has been so good that I have stayed for 25 years and I feel that if he has medication, we may be able to weather the storms better and manage the long haul.  

How do I deal with being a non-ADHD spouse? I take care of myself first. I run, focus on my spirituality, my kids, etc. All the things that make me happy, I do. I’m sorry to tell this to the non-ADHD spouse, but you better take care of yourself first, or you ADHD spouse will drive you in the ground with the rollercoaster behavior. Trust me; my wife is on Concerta, going to counseling, etc…which is great. However, it doesn’t take much to get her off center, and the rollercoaster ride is on again.

Sorry, but I’ve been there and done that, with trying to be the empathetic spouse, supportive, engage on trying to make the marriage a priority, etc…I’ll do all these things, only when I take care of myself first. When I do this first, I have a better chance of having a better experience with my ADHD spouse.

I’ll also tell the Non-ADHD person, remove yourself from anything that can put your ADHD spouse in a position of attacking you. You are not dealing with a rational mind, so things that connect you i.e. financial, sex, children, etc…if there is conflict in these areas remove yourself from it, if your Non-ADHD spouse is unwilling to make these areas of your life better. Walk away, and focus on things that make you happy.

This is my advice. Take care of yourself first, than there is a better chance of having a better marriage. This is not about me, but someone who has a serious problem. I can’t manage what goes on with my ADHD spouse, but I can certainly manage how I want to deal with it. It’s taking back your sense of ‘self’ that these ADHD folks will take from you.

When I say something to her and she doesn't answer because she is hyper focussed on the computer or doing somethign on her iPhone and when she talks to me without wanting/needing a response from me, I feel invisible, which makes me feel like I don't matter, like I am nothing.

After 4.5 years riding the ups and downs......I am so alone, lost, broken and un-fulfilled dreams and expectations formulated during the hyperfocus dating "chase" days. Once it is over.........it is over, one day you wake up and they are gone from your life as you knew it, by then it is too late. 3 counselors later and no change.

As far as developing empathy for my adhd spouse............I am so used up as the result of daily drama 24/7. I am absolutely mentally and emotionally exhausted. I can not seem to have empathy for self -inflicted chaos and pain. It feels like my spouse intentionally or unintentionally gets up every day thinking to herself, "what can I do in my world (our marriage is not included in her world, it actually does not exist as I knew it on our wedding day) today to get into that will cause pain to everyone around me?" Usually before noon each day, she has opened a dozen doors, left them open and by the end of the day 20 more doors are open and none have been shut in what I refer to as resolve / close one door prior to opening the next half dozen. Now at 5 pm, I get the usual call.....it used to be a call of love, just calling to hear your voice and now the call is desparation, overwhelmed and panic! Of course I do what I can....step in and "mop up" what I can.....and the cycle repeats itself day in and day out. So, how can a non have empathy for his adhd spouse who refuses she has a problem and all of her family has adhd and are bipolar?

Now for me..............she has absolutely no empathy for me......so cold, callous, uninterested......we argue constantly about simple things like what is the weather supposed to be today? We have not had a civil conversation in 3 years. I strive to keep our conversations light to avoid confrontation.......and she eventually turns the corner and comes out argueing.

She disagrees with me constantly....will ask me a question and then challenge my answer. I do not have anyone to share the day, my hopes, my dreams, etc........I am in her prison and if she would only look at her family history and her recent diagnosis and accept medication as was prescribed I think we would have a place to start. Her children and father are medicated and she knows the difference and still refuses.

I have read this blog before but this is the first time I have posted a comment.  I have found all of the information on this site to be very helpful to me in understanding my ADHD boyfriend.  I keep a copy of Driven to Distraction next to my bed, and find that it can give me comfort when another confusing moment comes my way in regards to his behavior.

We are both in our fifties, have been divorced from long marriages, and have been together on and off for four years.  We do not live together, and although it was originally my "dream" to do so, I see how living apart enhances our relationship and makes it a bit easier on both of us.  Although he was trained as a clinical psychologist he was not diagnosed with ADHD until three years ago.  Although he suspected ADHD, he was, at the time we met, treated for bi-polar disorder.  The ADHD diagnosis and the use of medication has made a huge difference in how he sees his world and begins to understand all the frustrations and failures that have trailed him through his life.  But life is still not easy for him.  Along with the impulsivity and hyperactivity he also has an anxiety disorder.  He works very hard at keeping his life organized, and when we first got together and he tried to explain to me how waking up in his own house with his own things was so important, I now understand it.  I have done a tremendous amount of research on the topic (I am also a special education teacher) which has been a huge key to the success of our relationship.  He can be wonderful and charming, has a great sense of humor and curiosity, loves to do the outdoor sports that I love, but can get into deep funks of obsession that turn him away, temporarily, from those who love him and care for him.  At least now he can recognize these and warn me, but for the first two years I had no idea what was happening.  It is still hard for me to deal with, but I realize now that it is not about me.  He talks about his busy brain getting caught up in a cycle of thoughts that he cannot stop and I can see his frustration.  He is respectful of taking his meds, works with a therapist, gets treatment at the Hallowell Center, and works very hard to balance his work days.  He has held a job for a long time and is quite respected for the work he does.  He has been a very good father to his children (now grown).

 But it is still challenging for me to be the non-ADHD girlfriend.  There are moments when I get very frustrated when he does not return phone calls (sometimes days at a time) and gets so swallowed up by the other responsibilities in his life that I seem to become an aside.  He says one thing one minute (in the mind - out the mouth), perhaps an idea or plan that he has for us, and then his anxiety sets in and he negates anything he has said.  (In the course of our time together we have done some of the things he talked about but I have been brought up and let down more than once!)  My friends who do not understand ADHD at all look at me with raised eyebrows, but what they don't understand is that I truly do love him for who he is and realize that I can support him, but cannot change him.  We have made progress in this relationship through both of us having a better understanding, and he respects the fact that I have put so much into learning about ADHD.  Both of us have learned to look at some of his antics with great patience.  But there are times that I question where it is all going.  We do not see each other that often (perhaps a blessing) and at this point when we are together it is still, for the most part, fun and enjoyable.  But I do question the future, and though the relationship is a bit more balanced now I still feel at times that it is much more about his needs than mine.  He knows this, and we talk about it, but where it will get us in the long run I do not know.  There is still a wall of protection that he has built up for himself, and although he says it is not about keeping me out, it does.  I have more to say but it is late and my brain needs to sleep! Thanks to all of you who have posted your comments in this blog.

These posts meant so much to me...it's like seeing what I've been going thru for years. I just thought I was married to someone who is a little different. He's acknowledged that he is probably ADHD (been since a child). We've had our ups and downs like any 10+ year marriage but now I know that he isn't just lazy or stubborn. I believe he is suffering from a condition and so it has given me new strength and incite. I think I've been doing a lot of ADHD management instinctively but could always use new approaches to old problems! Also what is our first step to getting a diagnoses? I'm so afraid he won't let me help him get help...hope I can have a heart-to-heart with him and get him going.

I’ve read lots of posts about wives with AD/HD husbands, but in my marriage it’s my wife that has ADD. I guess it’s good in some ways, because I’ve held a job for the last 23+ years so we don’t have the financial problems some people have.

 My wife was diagnosed about 9 years ago, when we had our kids evaluated. We found out that my wife and three boys all had ADD (our youngest son has ADHD).

 It has been a roller coaster ride. We seem to go through a cycle continuously. I resolve to be a better husband and try to take care of the things around the house that need to be taken care of. After a while I get worn out; then I get angry; then depressed. I would talk to my wife about it and she would always go on the defensive. Then we’d work it out; she would resolve to do better and it would work for a week or two before they cycle would start over.

 We’ve been through this cycle a few times. Last week I told her we had to make permanent changes or I was leaving. I reminded her of how many times we’ve had this same conversation and she doesn’t remember those times.

 Being the only one in the house that doesn’t have ADD makes me feel isolated, depressed, and hopeless. My wife and youngest son are all on medication, and it helps, but even on the medication the situation is intolerable.

 I feel like things are never going to change. I’ve started taking anti-depressants for the first time because of suicidal thoughts. I don’t want to leave, but I don’t want to keep living like this either. I don’t know what else to do.

 I love my wife and I love my family, but I can’t stand to be in the house because of the messes. The worst part is that my wife seems oblivious to it all, even though we’ve talked about it on so many occasions.  

Just joined today.  Been reading first for hours in awe of posts depicting my own emotional rollercoaster for 7 years.  For now, all I can say is "What A Blessing" to finally come across a resource to communicate your feelings and be validated, and also not having to wait in anguish, till the next therapy session to vent and get answers...for... whoopie...a whopping whole hour!  This is gonna be my Sanity Hotline. 

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD early on in our relationship when our status at that time was just boyfriend/girlfriend, at the age of 38.  I noticed after several months upon us living together that something wasn't quite right with him.  I don't know what brought me to self-diagnose him with ADHD, especially that I never knew that ADHD existed.  If I can recall, it may have been a t.v. commercial stating symptoms when adult ADD/HD was hitting public awareness.  As you all may probably have experienced, we all have our long stories on how we got our ADHD spouses to get to that point of getting diagnosed, for those of you who are already there.  Long story short, I told him I would leave him if he didn't.  Another long story short...we went through years of pain, only seeing therapists when things got to the breaking point.  Sorry if I'm not going into detail w/my first posting.  For myself being the non-ADHD spouse, I'm "burnt" out already to rehash case scenarios.  

Because he got physically abusive with me again...(although he doesn't think pushing/shoving a person with great force is considered physical abuse) I had no other choice this time but to seperate with him.  It's been 5 weeks now, and a week ago, we started seeing an ADHD therapist...again.  Lol...I really envy all these people who have had some kind of consistent behavior for even a week.  For me...it only lasts 24 hours if I'm lucky.  The problem for me?  By the time we were due for the 2nd therapy session, I was so fed up and disgusted with him already, that I didn't want to sacrafice anymore time to try anymore.  I got major trust issues stemming from this relationship.  I'm sure you all can relate.  BURNT OUT!!!  I'm hoping by spending more time on this website, I can start taking steps to begin my own healing process for myself, regardless whatever decision I do make, about staying in this relationship or not.  For those of you who have had prior relationships/marriages like I have...all I can say about being in a relationship/marriage w/an ADHD spouse is ...this one tops them all!!!  He got me twisted and spinning like I've never experienced before.  Thank God I'm a spiritual person!  Regardless what the outcome of the relationship is...hang in there!  We are soooo worth it!  I love you, and I feel your pain!  We're taking a positive step on regaining our sanity and strength back by communication and understanding here...something that we've been deprived of for so long.  I know this is an incredible breakthrough of hope for me.   We will survive this...and we will...DREAM again!!! :)  Till my next posting.....ALOOOOOOHA!!!      

Enjoyed your post, yes, I am the non and had not heard of adhd until finally it all came together. My wife and I started going to counseling 6 months after we were married due to a 180 post hyperfocus days. I felt as if going to her counselor would be effective to communcate our issues since she had been going to her therapist for 8 years....huuum, that was not a flag to me. Oh well, her therapist was clearly supporting my adhd wife and sorta blowing me off with things like she is "random", etc. After one year and both looking at me like I had 4 heads, I decided her therapist was not helping our marriage, so I ended my sessions.

We are both spiritual and I suggested a year later that we pursue counseling thru our church, starting with our minister. Now, interesting and I should have picked up on it and did not at the time, our minister is very familar with my adhd wife from her former marriage. He suggested many relationship building ideas that my wife bulked at. My wife actually resented his direction. He did give us in essence "homework" and a year later I asked my wife how she was doing and she said I am not doing that.

Ok, another year passed and I researched another very respected church counseling center, talked with one of the counselors and convinced my wife to attend, which she did and we like the direction he was steering us until she starting resenting where he was directing us so yes, our third attempt ended. Now, still at this juncture I know absolutely nothing about adhd. Ok that was now a year ago....and I moved out 6 months ago to regain my life as I knew it pre marriage to an adhd wife.

Ok, now I find Mort Fertel online and am so impressed with what he has to offer relationships and marriage renewal. My wife agrees and we start this unbelieveable self help program......I could be the poster child for his program. Remember, I still have no knowledge of adhd when we started this program.....I knew she had some add issues, didnt know anything else and when we were asked to outline what was different in our early days and now.....it came to me perhaps the add?

Fast forward.............she bailed out of taking action on 4 months of learning and that is what propelled me to educate myself on adhd. Here is the kicker and it took me a while to get here............first, we have the problems in our life in order to fix what is wrong. Second, problems in a marriage are referenced "dual responsibility"..........not one partner is at fault, both partners are. So, with that said, I admitted to my adhd wife that I take 50% responsibilty for our problems....what i am saying here is that I responded to her adhd behavior in a negative way. Now, next kicker here......when i asked my adhd wife to consider taking the other 50%, she refused. Now, as I told her, I will do anything at all to save our marriage and to please accept that adhd is an issue, I will be there for you and with you to investigate meds and help / self help, whatever it takes and she still refuses. This is her third marriage and she talks about failure, etc.....but just cant seem to acknowledge or understand doing the right thing, making positive choices, ie., choosing to succeed.... I have not even mentioned this, she can not grasp it......in other words for a non....choosing not to do the right thing is failure.....

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My husband went back on his meds for about 2 weeks then his new phychologist and he decided for him to stop taking them. 

I see "Running 21" posting about staying for the young children.  But does anyone have any idea's for when they are older?  I just try to stay away when my husband is home because if I try to talk to him like about the kids, anything, he takes it as starting to fight and says something sarcastic.  He makes to the kids, endless plans of outings, things they will make or do together, that he will help them with their homework and on and on of things that will never happen.  I know the kids sometimes feel guilty for liking me and try to cover up what they do with Daddy.

During the day, I have to ask my kids to help me clean up after him as I simply can't do it all.  I don't know if this is right or not.  The other day when he was home I asked my daughter to clean out the shower after he got out.  She asked if I could ask him.  I told her I couldn't because he would get mad. So she asked him.  He went into the bathroom and was banging and slamming so much I was surprised anything survived.  He told me that was a terrible thing to do to him.  I hadn't thought much of it as the kids usually clean up his messes without a fight when he is not home.  I would love to have the money to hire someone to keep up with his messes, but we are of course broke.  I'm so depressed I also spend money on take out more than I want to because I am simply too overwhelmed and sad to cook.

So in the evenings I constantly, from about 6-12 pm clean up after the family.  I do not sit down.  My husband and kids play video games, make snacks leaving the kitchen a mess, watch u-tube, watch movies.  My husband knows nothing about their life, it doesn't cross his mind.  Sometimes I just leave at night and have to stay gone till after 12, or he will expect me to start making food for the kids or doing their forgotten homework at 11:00 at night.(One kid is only 7).  I only want what I think is normal.  The kids might help clean up dinner then some family time or homework, then bed at a decent hour, so I could have a couple hours without the kids.  Is that normal?  My husband and kids don't think so.

He threatened me with divorce for years.  When I finally want it now he won't leave.  He really hates me when he is off his medicine.  I don't know why he would choose to live with someone he hates.  If he wants to stay why not take the medicine.  We get along pretty good when he takes it.

I feel so hopeless.  I have never felt so bad for so long.  I'm afraid the stress and saddness with cause me to get cancer or something.  I feel it isn't fair.  I love being a parent and raising my kids.  He always talks about how awful it is.  Yet he is getting to raise them to be selfish lazy people.  Complaining about every concert and boy scout event.  He gets to ruin for me, what I think is the greatest blessing.  They gravitate to his unmedicated personality of sarcasm and the only thing to achieve is having fun for yourself.  My 7 year old doesn't want to read a book on my lap, when he can watch a rated R movie and play violent rated R video games.  It makes me want to scream.  Thats my baby!  Don't ruin it for us!

I need help so bad and I don't know where to turn.  Tears are rolling as I write.

I agree totally that the only way to live my life happily in my marriage with my ADHD husband is to completely disregard him.  He will distract me, throw me off course, belittle me, rattle me, and make my world feel completely unsteady and shaky. 

My main question is:  if the only way I can live with him is to ignore him, why am I with him?

I used to be a confident, successful person.  I think it's the complete lack of all structure that has made me unable to finish my tasks, that makes me feel off balance, out of my element.  And I'm so sad these days.  I am mourning the marriage that I will never have.  I will never have a husband that pays attention to me, that manages to include me in his daily life, that smoothly coordinates our daily tasks.  Our household will never have the structure and dependability that I need to function well.  I will never have the moral support that I thought he would give me - he says the most callous, hurtful things to me daily and doesn't even realize how nasty he is.  I don't see what there is for me to live for in this marriage. 

That's a feeling, right? I'm denying my feelings because they're pretty negative.

ADD is like a black hole and my whole family has been sucked into it.

I guess I'm feeling empty. void. nothing.

Could there be a page here where people talk only about the things they have done that were successful? There are so many negative postings here, it almost feels as if people just come here to vent their frustration. That is o.k., but not really constructive. It almost feels as if posting something positive here only creates negative feed-back. How about a positive page? Maybe also one for ADHDers who can talk about what has worked for them?

I feel lots of different things at different times - when things are bad I feel frustration, hopelessness, anger, pity for myself, worry about how things are affecting the kids...but mainly anger and frustration.

But when times are good, and I get out of the negative spiral I let myself get into I am just so proud of him. He has come from an unhappy home, had a crappy childhood, no support from his parents and dealt with all sorts of horrible things but here he is still trying to make things good for me and our children in the ways he knows how - by working very hard, always ensuring that we have the material things we need.  I know that at times (alot of the time) he hates himself for things he has done, there is a lot of guilt inside him. And now he is trying to get help for the ADD and for that I'm so proud of him. He didn't ask to be born with this disorder, his life wouldv'e been so much less of a struggle without it and I feel that at times he shows an enourmous amount of courage.

Dear Melissa,

I guess it depends on what part of the journey I was on.  When he was diagnosed I think I did what most non-ADHD spouses do.  I read every book on the subject and tried to educate myself on the subject.  I had tremendous empathy for him.  For his struggle.  Being a nurse I had a good foundation.  It seemed pretty straight forward to me.  Meds, therapy, behavior modification, and give the disorder space to breathe.  I got the books on tape for my spouse to listen to.  He seemed to mock and belittle the information.  He didn't take it seriously.  He said:"I always knew there was something wrong with me, I just didn't know what it was." Then the denial, this was no big deal.  It wasn't a problem.  So I felt frustrated by his denial.  Angry that he would not read the books.  It was still early in the relationship.  We were still in love.  Everything was still new.  He had just moved in.  I saw there was a problem immediately being a nurse and he was diagnosed as an adult.  How could his teachers have missed this?

Going on your web site and reading your blogs terrified me.  I felt like the diagnosis was a death sentence for a marriage/relationship.  Over ten years he was off meds more than on.  Not in therapy more than in therapy.  I found myself saying "Just take the fucking pill!!!!!!" Do it for me!  It makes my life easier! If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for me!  My anxiety increased over time.  When the potential infidelity behaviors began to surface I was like "Oh shit, here we are, we are at that point.  Just like the web site.  Just like the books.  No I don't want this to be us.  Please God no, please I don't want to go here.

Then immense anger and a feeling of a loss of control.  First him coming home at 2:30 am on a work night.  I was so angry.  "When your husband is coming home at 2:30 am on a week night he is fucking someone I said!" as he struggled to get the front door open and with the chain lock on.

Then the night he was "meeting a friend who manages a band in Cambridge." No I could not go, it was sold out.  Then I am not driving you home if they don't have a ticket for you.  He was a married man, meeting a single woman who worked for his company Sprint at a dive (I mean dive) bar in Cambridge.  He did everything he could to go there without me.  I said I AM GOING!  Any sane man would have said Just forget it but not the ADHD spouse.  They love creating these mini dramas.  It is what they live for.  As soon as I saw the look on Tanya Queen's face it said it all.  He was meeting her.  It was a woman (his explanation was gender neutral at home.)  She was not band manager!  The concert was not sold out!  It was not free.  It was $10.00 each to get in.  She did not leave a ticket for him at the door.  Lies, Lies, Lies and more lies.  She introduced us to her group of female friends who call themselves "the cunts".  Yes that is right.  That is what this 20 something called her group of female friend who follow the metal band around.  After the initial shock of "oh shit he is here with his wife", we hardly saw her that night.  My husband would not allow me to put my arm around him.  Would not allow me to show him any affection.

We discussed this incident in marriage counseling.  I was not born yesterday!  I was angry and hurt.  He was clearly lying.  A married man does not meet single women out a bars alone!!!!!! Hello ADHD husband, is anyone home.  She was a train wreck.  Tanya got pregnant as a teen.  Wore plastic fangs.  She was a piece of work.  I thought how in the hell is my husband, tall, handsome, with a Master's degree from Emerson find this attractive?  Why would he want to spend 1 second with this person.  I was bewildered.  Who is he.  What is happening.  The loss of control, feeling like you are Alice in Wonderland falling down the rabbit hole unable to stop.  It reminded me of the underworld that the Joker lived in from Bat Man.  What was happening to us.  Please make it stop!  You are powerless.  Completely powerless.  Agony, despair, powerless. 

Then the "i wasn't doing anything!" His slumped shoulders, his head down in the marriage counseling session said it all.  Yet "I don't want a divorce! I love you"You have a feeling that you are loosing your mind.  This is not happening.  Please make it stop.  The helplessness.  The despair.  His actions and his words do not match.  Then the offering.  If you want to meet single women in a bars then lets get a divorced and you can do that all you want to.  YOU CANNOT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS!!!!!!!!! You cannot come home at 2: 30 am for a team outing on a work night. I AM NOT GOING TO TOLERATE THIS BEHAVIOR!!!!! 

Then you think we are ok.  He said he loves me.  He said he doesn't want a divorce.  He is going to stop now.  We are going to be ok.  We dogged that bullet.  He became more attentive.  Dropping me off at the train.  Hugging me, kissing me, telling me he loved me.  It was just a fantasy he created to keep the destructive behaviors going.  The lying, the sneaking around had become his drug to treat his ADHD.  Then you are thinking "what the fuck am I doing.  how can I love this person?" 

Then you discover the evidence of the affair.  OMG we are here.  We have arrived.  Why Why Why Why.  Then ANGER!!!!  Rage just explodes.  You are shaking, crying.  But he said he loved me?  He said he didn't want a divorce?  I don't understand.  It is like being on a freight train with no brakes.  Just absolutely powerless.  This is my life now.  This is my life.  Everything you read in the books, on the blogs came true. Bewildered.  Where did my beautiful husband go?  It is like he is buried in sand and you are frantically trying to find him to excavate him.  You keep digging and digging and digging and reaching and reaching and you can't grab him.  Can't engage him.  Just falling and falling and falling.

Letting go... You so desperately love this person.  You so desperately want to help them but you can't.  You understand the problem but it doesn't matter.  You think what the hell is wrong with me, how can I still love this person.  That is the trap of the non ADHD spouse.  The qualities the ADHD husband has got you hooked.  The creativity, their brilliance, there shine, there charisma.  Watching my husband work on a video or audio project at Emerson you saw his brilliance.  He talent at its best.  In a crisis he rises to the occasion. That is when he truly shined.  In an Emergency, in a crisis.  Superb.  But when life becomes routine you've lost him.  He is gone, and there is nothing you can do but say goodbye as your heart breaks.  It is like watching a magnificent sunset that you will never see again.

Then you hope.  You hope this is his rock bottom.  You hope throwing him out will make him wake up, get help.  He is  in  treatment now.  He is taking his meds for the first time without me holding a gun to his head.  But you know in an instant that can all evaporate.  Most of us Non ADHD spouses do not get our happy ending.  I do not know the numbers or the statistics but I am certain they are bleak.  I never found them out because I did not want to know how bad my chances were.  Maybe I will look them up, but I do know that Bipolar disorder and ADHD have similar outcomes.  Relapse, relapse, relapse.  Every one with ADHD does not become Dr. Hallowell.  More often  than not they end up in a very bad place as far as relationships go.  I have not lost my compassion for my husband.  For how hard it is going to be for him to ever have any kind of normal stable relationship.  Prior to me he did not have any long term relationships.  His first marriage did not last a year.  So I do still have compassion for him, for his disorder, for his struggle, for the self loathing that must come from the lying and the cheating.  I understand that all of these behaviors is how he self medicated.  To continue on with this person I would have died.  The despair I felt almost got me to take my own life.  I actually wrote suicide notes to each member of my family.  I was in a very very bad dark place when the house of cards fell down.  When the disorder beat me, when it won.  I had so many hopes and dreams for us.  He was going to complete his documentary.  I was going to write my book.  We were going to beat this thing.  But it all became too big.  It was bigger than us, more powerful than us.  Just like in Vegas where the odds favor the house.  If I had to sum up the experience in 1 word I would say what I felt was completely and totally powerless.

Sincerley, Kelly

Trying to explain how it feels is like trying to explain to a healthy person how it feels to have fibromyalgia. It's very difficult. It's like trying to describe an intricate carving to a blind person without letting them touch it. Anger seems to be at the base of it, I feel anger still yet it is sort of taking a back seat to despair and hopelessness after 20 years.

I want to be compassionate and not blame him, but having been in other marriages, and watching my life disappear and fall apart when he came into it, I can't help but feel he is to blame.

Most days it feels like those dreams where you are trying to fly and can't get off the ground, or trying to brake a car but the brakes don't work, like running from an unknown horror chasing you.

When a strong, energetic positive organized person becomes the opposite, one cannot help but feel the ADHD spouse contributed greatly to it. You change into something, into someone else, trying to find yourself, the person you know you are.

I could also write a laundry list of all the horrible things that happen, all the horrible feelings you experience. Hoping that it is all just a nightmare you will wake up from. Feeling betrayed and wishing someone had warned you before you took your vows.

It's like going to bed and waking up and finding yourself in some strange parallel universe where nothing makes sense.

Most days I feel like I'm drowning and  it feels like he is pushing my head under for a while then walks away oblivious to the fact I'm drowning.

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. Make it stop. I know I'm very intelligent, very capable, very strong,until he appears, then I feel helpless and hopeless. I feel like two different people.

In the work I do, I am praised for being so competent, inspiring and organized. At home I wonder why is it I can help people transform their lives and homes, I feel like a fraud as mine flounders and I struggle so to stay organized. I know they don't have an ADHD spouse undermining everything, yet...

I feel bitter, because I supported him as he went back to school, started his own business, and every endeavor he attempted, and watched it all go to hell in a handbasket. He did get his AA, but did nothing with it and 20 years later still trying to pay off the student loan. He never once encouraged or helped me achieve my dreams. I don't even try any more.

You feel bad for staying and bad for thinking about leaving, after all it's not his fault.

I could go on and on. I don't know exactly when it started but I found myself spending a lot of time staring vacantly out in space, just feeling small and helpless, sometimes just numb, mostly exhausted. For years I've stood on balconies, porches, doorways looking out ....feeling trapped, feeling a longing for ...something.. .feeling like I'm serving a life sentence, just waiting for it to end so I can rest finally.

I've been suicidal, practically homicidal, and a lot confused and even more depressed. It's totally exhausting ,scary and unnerving.

That's how I feel  most every day. What a way to live.

I think for me the worst part of it all is  sometimes I look at my husband and my heart aches with love for him, I want to wave a magic wand and make the ADHD disappear so that he won't have to deal with it. I want so much for him to have the original "me" back. Then  in a blink of an eye,  I wish a hole would open up and he would disappear into it. VERY conflicting feelings.  Very schizophrenic.

But what hinder's that the most is my fear of what seems like overwhelming odds...:(

Can I maintain a spirit of Love that produces oneness, Can I work through each day without having negative emotion and reactions to the way she lives out her life...Can I be a leader and good example...Can I maintain calm while addressing those things that must be addressed...Can I always show love, respect, compassion and acceptance of her has a my wife and as the individual she is. Can I be wise enough to be quiet and not give her an avenue or reason to cast off her behavior by making it mine...Can I c my self, and deal with my heart daily, can I be apologetic and ask for forgiveness when my actions or less than caring...