When you're trying repeatedly to get an ADHD spouse to "respond" to your requests it's hard not to get into nagging mode. But non-ADHD spouses need to avoid chronic nagging patterns if they are to be successful, happy partners. This is much harder than it sounds. It's scary to think back to your past and all of the times that you weren't nagging and things - sometimes really critical things like bill paying and picking up kids and getting jobs - didn't happen. You suppose that if you stop nagging now, those same patterns will emerge (and you are probably right, at least short term).
The downside of nagging is that it gets the attention of the person with ADHD in the short-term, but engenders resentment and resistance in the medium and long-term. Since long-term is what marriage is all about, this isn't a good trade off! A more insidious side-effect of nagging is that it makes not only the person being nagged feel bad, but it also makes the nagger start to dislike him or herself.
If your spouse has untreated, or incompletely treated, ADHD then that's the reason he or she has trouble initiating and completing tasks. It's not an issue of willpower. The long-term solution to "getting things done better" isn't to nag until things get done, it's to treat the ADHD.
To get on the path to stop nagging, first convince yourself that nagging is ineffective. Long term it hurts you both - time to replace it with a better solution. You can't "control" your spouse's behavior effectively at any time, but particularly when you nag. So detach from feeling responsible for "creating a response" (the underlying concept in nagging). Try to stay positive towards your spouse, while "attacking" the specific intractable problems (and symptoms) that have led to the chronic nagging.
That sounds pretty theoretical, so let me make it more concrete.
A Plan for Stopping Nagging
If you or someone you care about is currently in nagging mode then you are probably dealing with resentment, resistance and anger as well as nagging. Long-term, you want to replace nagging with something far more effective: ADHD treatment plus a good "couples working plan" for more positive interactions around getting things done. The treatment side of things is self explanatory.
Here are some ideas that will get you started on creating a working plan that replaces nagging interactions with more positive problem solving:
- Talk with your spouse about the nagging that is going on. The non-ADD spouse needs to communicate that the nagging is simply a way of getting attention from a person who is normally distracted due to ADHD. He or she should also apologize for past nagging and take full responsibility for it. (Too many people say "I must nag you to get work done." This isn't true...it's simply the option that has been chosen up to this point.) Work out other ways to get attention - agreeing to verbal cues, setting specific meeting times, and setting specific chore times can all help you. The ability to pay attention to each other in a positive way is the very heart of a relationship. Keep pushing this theme until your spouse hears you and agrees that more attention (or more positive attention) is desirable.
- Identify that distraction is an ADHD symptom that is currently hurting your relationship. As such, you both need to take it seriously and "treat" it more effectively. Explore different options that hit both the physical and behavioral sides of treatment for distraction.
- Set up a "de-stress" routine for yourself. This might include 10 minutes a day of quiet time, meditation, book reading, exercise, yoga or some other activity that calms stress levels (exercise has been scientifically shown to be one of the most effective ways to reduce stress). Lowering your stress will help you combat the desire to nag.
- Identify nagging patterns. You should both work on this together and both be able to say "hey - that sounds like nagging to me!" in a lighthearted way. Keep a journal for two weeks to record nagging so you can find any patterns that might exist. For example, there might be specific "trigger events", such as the time that you go to bed at night, certain chores or interactions with kids. Also, note when distraction or some other ADHD symptom seems to be a key element in the process.
- Once you've identified some trigger events, work on them one at a time. Talk through why the trigger is so meaningful to one or both of you. Create a plan for better meeting the needs of each spouse around this trigger event. For example, if a non-ADHD spouse nags many nights because she wants her ADHD spouse to come to bed and he's too engaged with his computer to do so, talk about why this is an issue. It might be he can't disengage (ADHD symptom); he might be feeling angry (doesn't want to go to bed because it's stressful). It might be an issue of not getting enough sleep for one spouse, or that the tardiness represents an overall lack of intimacy. Explore it carefully so you know what problems you are trying to solve. THEN, talk about potential solutions. One trap that spouses fall into is solving the superficial problem (coming to bed) without understanding the more important underlying dynamics. In this example, the various underlying issues to the nagging get solved differently. They might include: Putting a flashlight outside the door when the earlier spouse goes to bed so that she isn't woken up by the later spouse (sleep); setting a time limit on computer time in the evening (inability to disengage); scheduling more dates together (intimacy), etc.
- If some of your trigger events have to do with labor - housecleaning, babysitting, chores - explore whether you can afford to hire some of these things out to take them off of both of your plates.
- As you go through this process, you will identify specific ADHD symptoms that are likely getting in your way. Typical of these are:
- Distraction
- Poor memory
- Inability to engage or disengage from tasks
- Poor organizational skills
- Impulsiveness (particularly financial)
- Unexpected spurts of anger
- Tendency to put things off or avoid them, then do them all at once at the last minute
- Tardiness
All of these are ADHD symptoms and can, and should, be addressed with improved ADHD treatment (not just meds). You can change some of the nagging by more overtly addressing the underlying emotional issues the two of you share, but as a couple you still will need effective management of ADHD symptoms before the underlying issues can go away. Or, as I like to say, "if nothing changes, nothing changes".
If you have ADHD, I can pretty much guarantee you that your spouse will welcome and support any hard work you embark upon to better manage ADHD symptoms that leading to the nagging. So, now that you've identified key patterns, what are you waiting for? Together, you have the power to eliminate all that nagging. Wouldn't peace be wonderful?!
- MelissaOrlov's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
As a former nag...currently
As a former nag...currently mostly in remission...I can't express how true these words are. In our case my husband absolutely CANNOT STAND to have anyone mad at him, and it was much more painful to him when it was me. It usually kicked him into his seldom seen *high gear* and he'd clear up a backlog of stuff in an evening, but we were both like beaten puppies by the end of it.
I was suffering from migraines and frustration & he was resentful of being nagged and *yelled at* (which is what he calls any tone stronger or louder than a normal speaking tone--though sometimes he was in fact yelled at :( ). I think it was a comment in one of Dr Hallowell's books that brought home to us part of what was going on....my husband suffers from weak motivation to get things done even when he knows they need to be completed. We decided after researching the issue that he was using the adrenaline that he got from me being angry to be his *jumpstart* to accomplishment because he could seriously then become an whirling dirvish getting his list knocked out. He had even gotten to the point where if I wasn't angry about it then it was probably not that vital that he do it--seriously it was SOO bad for both of us, but I fell into the trap of thinking it was our only option for a period of time.
It wasn't until it started impacting the way we felt about eachother....not romantically, not inclined toward intimacy, resentful for feeling disrespected by our mate...that we both got serious about finding a different way. For us thus far meds, a therapist he sees every few months, and a coach are getting the job about 90% done, and I'm starting to feel that is a percentage I'm going to have to get comfortable with....we have an extremely busy lifestyle that throws us a bunch of curve balls, so if we keep all the balls in the air 90% of the time (that is not my target goal by any means) that is *good enough* for now, and we can each work on that other 10% in our own time. Right now I'm doing most of it, but I am high energy and can handle it without too many meltdowns :)
Hmmm
After reading this, I asked my husband if I nag him. His answer, of course, was that he couldn't really remember. A hazard of ADD life, I suppose.
We've actually had the nagging talk before -- but from a different angle. In the past, I was reluctant to remind him of things, because I felt like it was nagging. It took a lot of reassurance from him to make me believe that he appreciated the help in staying on task. Still, it's something I worry about.
We had some success with a hand-me-down PDA. Unfortunately, my husband's ADD can affect his hearing. So he couldn't hear the alarms, since the device didn't have much range in volume. So right now we're saving up rewards points to get him an iPod Touch to use instead. The volume and ring are pretty customizable, and it has all the pertinent functions we needed from the PDA. In addition, he can download free apps that will help him remember things. One is called "To-do" and helps you create a list. There are also some expense-tracking apps, from what I've seen.
I understand that a decent number of people with ADD have found PDAs/smart phones invaluable when it comes to these sorts of things. So this may be another way to help avoid the nagging. Obviously, this doesn't help in situations where there are larger issues not being talked about. But it might also bring some of these to the forefront. Once the excuse of "helping you remember" is gone, the non-ADD spouse would have to take a good, hard look at why the nagging is still going on.
PDAs definitely work if you use them the right way
I was the classic "never remember what I'm supposed to be doing when it is time to do it" kind of guy. At work, I was never on time to any meeting. People had to constantly call me or find me. I could never remember commitments I had made, etc. I was one of the early adaptors of the old Sharp Wizard. When it broke, I switched to a Palm PDA. The initial use of the device was novel enought to grab my attention and I started getting to meetings and got better at starting the stuff I committed to do.
The problem came later. After a while, I "heard the alarm but shut it off and didn't do anything about it" which made things worse. I learned to habitually "SNOOZE" the alarm so it would come back, but some of the devices only let you snooze a few times and then stop. (or the keep snoozing but don't sound the alarm...) SO when trying a PDA, a couple of new habits are needed in order to deal with the flood of alarms that may be created.
Another problem is that I would have a conversation with someone, agree to do something, and NOT PUT IT IN MY PDA. I was so used to having the PDA as my "external memory" that I would simply miss anything that was not in it. My wife now deals with this with a simple question: "How are you going to remember to do this?" at which point I usually pull the PDA out and enter a suitable reminder.
But that brings up a sticky point about the PDA. It is really hard to enter an appointment in the ones with no keyboard. You need 2 hands and the stylus. The PDAs with tiny keyboards are almost as difficult and it seems like it takes FOREVER to set up the reminder. I have decided to try an alternative: use some kind of digital voice recorder to take a quick note to myself and set up a recurring task in my PDA to check my recorder for notes to myself. I have not yet tried this (I am still looking for the right digital voice recorder... the iPod Nano generation 5 has promise), so I can't give you any feedback on how it works.
My point is that introducing a NEW THING (like a PDA) does not automatically solve the problem. You need to explore how to use it effectively.
USing PDAs and Voice Recorders
I've had a number of people tell me that keeping a small voice recorder with them saves their lives. They then transfer the messages all at once, at a minimum of once a day, and they stay organized. It's a great idea - thanks for posting it.
Voice Recorder
When using a Voice Recorder, is it beneficial for the Non Adhd Spouse to leave notes (i.e. Things to do, reminders)on the recorder? or is this another preceived way of nagging? I'm looking for a way to help my partner remember what to do. And for PDA's, is there a simple one with a full keyboard and maybe a voice recorder in it. Are there others on here that use a combination of both or one or the other?
nagging
it's interesting that I came upon this site. I had a blow-out with my husband just last night, where once again I was accused of being a nag...and I'm sure I was nagging. it was a desperate means to get his attention (once again) away from his computer and back to me.
We go through this often. I believe he is ADHD but he (to my knowledge) has never been diagnoised.
I believe too, that I have control issues due to my occasional symptoms of OCD. I feel the need to have things balanced. I don't have to check locks 3-4 times in a row...at least not yet :) But I do like things in their place and feel a small level of anxiety when they are not. My husband plays on this and moves things around on me as a running joke. comical, right?
So this brings me to searching for how to work on myself and my nagging. But then I find this site and these postings and realize, WE (my husband and I) both have to work on this together, or nothing will get better.
How do I get him to look into himself and realize that he may very well be ADHD and that THAT may be the root of some (most) of our issues?
His symtoms (that I have noticed) are:
unable to disengage: he is CONSTANTLY at his computer, all night sometimes until the early ours of the morning. Once he has his mind on something he will work on that hobby/ interest and nothing else for days at a time.
unable to plan or think of others close to him. I find that he is more considerate of co-workers and strangers at times than he is his own family.
defensiveness is a BIG one. HE has a very loud bark. and he can yell over you and blow you away, he knows you will back down. He will yell the fight right out of you and you (meaning me, or any other memeber of his family) will retreat.
these are just a few.
I have developed those triggers you speak of as well.
Why won't he come to bed with me.
Why am I always in a room alone in my own house.
why doesn't he listen to me when I say I am lonely and unhappy, but instead just tells me to suck it up or deal with it.
So then I yell, I nag, I cry...until he finally feels bad and gives in at times...but I don't feel as though I have won. It shouldn't have to be this hard.
re: nagging
I'm sorry you're facing all of these issues ivorygirl. I'm not a Dr. but I do have ADD, and reading the "symptoms" you've listed, it really doesn't sound as though your husband has ADD to me. I hate to say it, but the things you listed seem more like signs of infidelity than ADD to me. Even taking the likelihood that he's "hyper-focusing" while on the computer until all hours of the night due to ADD into consideration, it seems extremely unlikely to me. It has been my experience that most people (and of course, there are going to be exceptions to this) who are on the computer for excessive amounts of time (for days on end, as you mentioned) are doing things they probably should not be doing. Many times they are secretly corresponding with people, looking at inappropriate things, or in chat rooms they probably should not be in. The fact that you mentioned his defensiveness and inability to think of anyone other than himself, are the "red flags" for me...and that all comes from previous personal experience. Again, I'm obviously not a Dr, but I just felt the need to reply to your post because I would hate to think you're somehow blaming yourself for any of your husband's actions which, IMO, are not ADD-based. I hope you're able to find some resolution/solution. Take care. :)
nagging
Thanks Amyk1971,
The concern is appreciated, but I don't think I can live life suspecting that my husband is or has cheated. I will agree, he is probably looking at things online at times that he shouldn't be or at least the timeframe at which he is looking is concerning. But I think my goal in posting was to gain opinions and advice about what I can do for myself, to help my marriage.
I guess, I could just wait to see if he goofs up and gets caught (I am a firm believer that the truth always shows itself, I too, have learned this from past experience) But, is that a way to pursue my marriage? waiting around for the other shoe to fall, as they say. I don't think so.
I don't blame myself for any of his actions. I now realize he is completely responsible for what he does or does not do.
I do know, he comes home every night right after work. We spend our weekends together, all be it in separate rooms usually, because he is on the computer :) I do try and schedule things for us to do together. a movie, a dinner, etc.
And he comes to bed, in our bed, everynight. Just at times much later than myself.
Perhaps, he's had thoughts of infidelity, but hasn't acted on them yet. And perhaps he won't act on them at all.
I can't go around thinking this way, if I want to pursue our marriage in a positive way. Right?
I am not looking to spy on my husband, or to distrust my husband.
I am looking to enrich my marriage and the life of my husband and myself.
But thanks for the concern and feeding into typical female insecurity.
wow.
I'm sorry you mistook my reply as one that is "feeding into female insecurity." I'm not exactly sure what "feeding into female insecurity" is, but if associating certain behavior patterns with infidelity is considered to be feeding into female insecurity...I would respectfully disagree. I think it's a shame that someone would be considered insecure for questioning those behavior patterns. I'm not one for skirting the issue, so when I read your post asking about this behavior & its relation to ADD, I took the time to type out a genuine response coming from the viewpoint of an adult with diagnosed ADD. I did not presume your intent was anything other than that of improving and enriching your lives...I could tell it was something you were researching in an effort to better your relationship & that you were trying to understand some of this behavior. My only purpose in replying was to answer your questions about this particular behavior & ADD. Clearly, I do not know you or your husband & I have no idea what goes on in your home. I only know & responded to what was written & you asked why he never comes to bed and why you're always alone in your own home, that he's on the computer for days on end, cares only for himself or his coworkers, etc. I'm sorry to have somehow put you on the defensive by voicing my disagreement with your thought process that this behavior is because he is ADD. He very well may be ADD. I have NO IDEA what is behind his behavior...again, I was merely replying to what was posted. I will concede that I did not address the "nagging" issue in my original reply. I CAN actually see how, if he were ADD, it's a possibility that he might hyper-focus his resentment or annoyances toward you into an overuse of the internet, computer, etc...an "avoidance" type of response on his part. I have found "nagging" to trigger a negative response from myself. If I feel as though I'm being "nagged" about something, I will automatically shut it down. Even if it was something I had been in the process of doing or had fully intended on doing, if I feel "nagged" (I really hate that word :P) about something, it makes me do the opposite. I have no idea why I do it. I try not to do it, but I do it anyway. Case-in-point...Christmas decorations...I have been organizing/reorganizing the Christmas decorations since New Year's Day. I keep labeling & relabeling the bins & containers and after a few hours of messing with them, just get frustrated and put it all to the side. I'm a total neatfreak, so these bins in my entryway are driving me crazy. Every day I fully intend on finishing things up and taking everything to the storage shed, and every day my husband will come home and ask if I've finished organizing the decorations yet so that he can take the bins to the storage. Even after I've told him that I am not finished, that I'll take the bins out when I am finished and to please not ask me about it again for a day or so...he will still ask a few hours later. He says he's bringing it up so that I "don't forget." haha I can see how both sides can get frustrated or angry. I guess for me, I feel more insulted when he constantly brings something like that up...especially when it comes to cleaning, etc because strangely enough, he is the messy one. :P
Of course you can't go around with the constant notion that he is or has been unfaithful...that is not at all what I was saying. I never suggested "spying" or anything of the sort. I don't think anyone should ever be made to feel that way...life is way too short.
I think forums are great, but sometimes, tone & intent don't always come across the way they were originally intended. I truly apologize if my post came across negatively to you. It really was not meant to be that way...it was supposed to be exactly the opposite. Take care. :)
Another perspective on computer use and staying up late
Hi ivorygirl,
I'll take the opposite view of Amyk1971's reply to your comment about nagging -- my partner has ADD, I have absolutely no reason to suspect him of being up to anything bad like cheating or even flirting online, and he can easily and frequently does stay in front of the computer for hours (or play video games). He loves to read and post on sports forums! He also frequently comes to bed much later than me; I'm so used to it now I don't even wake up when he finally goes to sleep.
It used to make me very anxious that he would go to bed later than me; I missed the intimacy of cuddling and falling asleep in bed with him. While it is not impossible that he is deliberately going to bed later than you to avoid you, if you feel that things are well between you overall, I think you can give your husband the benefit of the doubt and try to accept that his sleep/computer habits have nothing to do with his feelings for you. Staying up late and spending lots of time on the computer do seem to be common behaviours in men with ADD, I don't know if that is true so much of women.
If what you are missing is that sleepy and cozy downtime, then you can make other opportunities for it, like just renting a movie but cuddling under a blanket while you do. I wake up much earlier than my boyfriend, so I usually get up and have some time to myself and then hop back in bed with a book close to the time he gets up on the weekend, so we get some bed snuggling time too.
Given that ADDers tend to lose track of time, he might not be aware of how long he's been away from you and at the computer, I've definitely experienced that too. I'll just go and give him a kiss now and then to break things up and if he's still absorbed in what he's doing that's ok. Ususally if I come into the room and he's just absentmindedly clicking away he will often take that opportunity to see if I want to do something different because he's not really engaged, he's just doing what's familiar and easy for him.
I'm guilty of nagging, especially when it comes to housework. I'm trying to be better but he doesn't make it easy. We go through the same cycle over and over. I do almost all of the housework and routinely get overloaded and overwhelmed, and usually have a freakout every couple of months, at which point he feels bad and promises to help more (that promise only lasts a few days...). We did make some progress though; the last time I asked him to do something and he put it off, I "reminded" him every weekend that I needed him to do some cleaning until after a month he said "stop nagging me! I'll do it when I do it!". Luckily I had the presence of mind to say "You and I both know the division of labour in this house is hugely unequal and every time I get overwhelmed and freak out, you tell me all I have to do is ask for help and you'll give it to me. It's been 4 weeks and I'm still asking for the same thing. If you are going to help me, help me when I need help or don't offer at all. I can be flexible with deadlines but not so flexible that I'm waiting for a month while other things pile up." I don't know -- that seemed to get through to him. I didn't yell or anything, just pointed out the difference between his intentions (to help when asked) and actions (not helping when asked!). That was about 2 months ago and I recently asked him to help out with something and he was much better natured about it. I gave him a week. He said he'd do it in 2 days! I knew he'd never stick to the 2 day deadline, so in my head I kept the week-long deadline. He got it done...on the 7th day.
Anyway, I don't have it all figured out but have made peace with the going to bed issue at least and I believe you can too. Good luck!
This blog has some great
This blog has some great advice. My wife and I were in a constant battle over her not coming to bed because she wasn't able to disengage from the computer - sometimes she wouldn't come to bed until 5 minutes before the alarm went off in the morning. My issue with this has to do with concern about her not getting enough sleep, and then experiencing more stress because of it, which would spill out into our relationship. I'd worry about her health. And I felt "slighted" when I went to bed alone. We have since set up two nights a week where we are together all night, just the two of us - one a date night and one an at home night, where there is no using iPhones (unless used to play a game together) or computers. So we always go to bed together those nights. The other nights sometimes she comes to bed with me, and sometimes she stays up. But her late nights are maybe 2 per week vs. 4 or 5. And on the nights she stays up, I no longer get angry - I just miss her, and I tell her that. That's progress!
I like the suggestion of examining the idynamics underlying my nagging. I realize that for me, it most often has to do with me wanting more time with her - something she wants also, and we are learning ways to make that happen. She's now using a timer so she sees exactly how much time she spends on various tasks and how much time she spends with me. She's continually amazed at how much time certain tasks take. (Until now, she generaly had no idea how long she was focussed on one task or another.) And an unexpected benefit for her is that it helps her stay focussed where she used to get distracted and jump from task to task. Since she sets the timer every time she changes tasks (USUALLY she remembers to do so :-) ), she's AWARE of when she does. We've also learned that setting time limits helps. Often in the past, when I said "Are you ready to do such and such" she'd say "I just need to do this one thing first" and two hours later when she still hadn't done it, I'd be sitting there fuming, trying not to nag. I am now asking her to set a time limit in cases like that, where we both agree that at a certain time, if she hasn't finished what she was doing, I will say something like, that's 30 minutes honey, time to go now.
Good stuff!
thank you
I found this site for the first time, and I'm so glad. Been married to someone with ADD for 6 years, and it's been tough. He's the nicest guy though, and if not for all his redeeming qualities, we wouldn't be together today. I definitely am the world class' nag. But as the article points out, it doesn't help.
What am I supposed to do when only HE can do something, like pick up something important, and he doesn't meet the time constraints? I can't bear the fact that we end up losing an important thing plus the money it costs. Until he gets himself going (i.e, away from the computer), it's sometimes too late.
I was glad (in a weird way) to see that it's a regular part of ADD to have this issue with computers and also with not coming to bed until real late. I'll have to read up more about what people are saying here, but it's definitely nice to know I'm not alone.
Biggest issue is that DH won't admit to ADD. He started reading Driven to Distraction but then gave up (not able to finish stuff he starts, unless mega mega mega interested). We've been going to therapy for a bit over a year and the therapist has "suggested" ADD, which she is positive he has, but he refuses to admit it. The self-awareness thing is really low... And he's against taking any meds, though I feel at times it would help regulate his stress levels and blow ups. It's tough, but thanks for being out there ppl. I appreciate the support of knowing there are others there like me :)