And email from a woman in the EU asked a question that encouraged me to write this post:
“There are a lot of issues to address when one is looking for a new partner -- expectations that so quickly shoot into heaven, first dates with fascinating but overwhelming talking, constant change in how I see a person whom I'm interested in, insecurity in addressing my needs -- do you know any helpful videos or literature on the topic?”
I didn't...so I wrote this post for people with ADHD who are dating.
Finding the right person is always a challenge. If you have ADHD, perhaps even more so. The reasons for this for the ADHD partner include:
- Hyperfocus courtship can mask the symptoms of your ADHD. This means that the person your partner falls in love with won’t act the same way once the additional dopamine in your brain that comes with infatuation wears off. It’s possible that you’ve had past, longer-term relationships that have suddenly soured and so you are wary.
- Insecurity and self-esteem issues. We all wonder what a new love interest thinks of us. Those with ADHD are prone to inconsistent behavior because of their symptoms – this can make meeting the expectations of a relationship harder, with non-ADHD partners being more critical over time than is healthy. While you’re used to this, do you continue?
- Overwhelm. Dating, or even responding to texts while dating can feel overwhelming. ‘Do I respond now? Wait? Am I talking too much? Too little?’
What to look for in a partner
What makes a great partner for a person with ADHD? Seek out someone who…
- Is flexible and empathetic. Even well managed ADHD results in greater than average inconsistency in time management, follow through and planning. First and foremost, look for someone who does not easily get flustered when things don’t happen as they expected.
- Shares your values and passions. Marriage takes a lot of work, whether or not ADHD is in the mix. But with ADHD there is the added issue of the ADHD partner having difficulty motivating him/herself to get things done when they become boring. It helps a lot if the two of you share significant passions so that you have regular interactions that remind you how fun it is to be together that offset some of the most difficult parts of living with ADHD.
- Respects who you are. You will not be like your partner, by definition. If you have one partner with ADHD and one without, you will be even more different because you will experience the world quite differently. Someone who sees the positive in your way of being in the world, who admires your strengths, and who seeks the positive in others is a good fit for anyone, but particularly for someone with ADHD.
- Is willing to wait at least 3 years before getting married. Hyperfocus courtship is a big deal in relationships because the extra dopamine your brain creates during this period makes the ADHD partner extra attentive and focused (it’s great!) But for the longer term you need to know that your partner also loves you when you have your normal ADHD issues. Your body stops producing the extra dopamine 20-28 months after you start dating. Wait at 36 before agreeing to tie the knot.
- Can support him/herself financially if needed. Those with ADHD are more prone to experience job issues. For long-term security, someone with a track record of being able to hold a job is a good fit. Just in case.
- Is willing to engage in issues and work together to address them, without taking over. It’s important that both partners be willing to address their areas of conflict and negotiate their differences. A person who holds it all inside, or who is not able to get in touch with his or her emotions in a constructive way is not a good fit with someone with ADHD. There is too much potential for bad feelings to build up. And someone with a history of raging is definitely out.
- With whom you can laugh. Life is unpredictable. Finding humor in the preposterous situations in which you will sometimes find yourself is a big bonus.
And what about you?
Finding the right partner isn’t just about that partner. It’s also about you. A healthy relationship happens when two unique individuals come together, respecting that each partner has the right to their own way of being and thinking. You will have differences, and research suggests more often than not you will not permanently ‘solve’ those differences. As a result, it is your joint responsibility to negotiate those differences. Sometimes you’ll get more of what you want and, importantly, sometimes your partner will get more of what s/he wants.
ADHD is likely to be one of those big issues.
For someone with ADHD, that means that you have a responsibility to manage your ADHD. Great relationships are about bringing your best self to your relationship. The self who is respectful and willing to be influenced by the other person’s point of view. The self who wonders ‘how can I be kind to my partner right now?’ when faced with a surprise or disappointment. The self who might be easily distracted, but understands that in order to have a great relationship s/he must carve out ‘attend time’ to actively demonstrate how his/her love for a partner.
For the partner with ADHD, managing the ADHD symptoms the best you can is definitely part of bringing your best self forward and nurturing a great relationship. (For more on optimizing treatment for adult ADHD download my free treatment e-book from my home page.)
ADHD partners deserve, and can get, the love they seek
Relationships impacted by ADHD develop specific, predictable patterns that can hurt your connections (see my book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage for more on this topic). But knowledge is power – once you understand the patterns you really can find the love you dream of. Finding the right partner is the first step.
- MelissaOrlov's blog
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Comments
My kinda Guy
I haven't read this article yet, but I wanted to comment about the types of guys I've had long lasting relationships with that meshed well with my ADD.
Guys that are calm (because I have anxiety), outgoing and happy (I am too so they know the ins nd outs of being this way), organized (because I am NOT), nergetic (to clean up my messes) an understanding or simple as far as life (not his brain lol) Guys like this are so easy to live with and make having this disability easier to live with...My marriage lasted 23 years because he was this way and my current relationship has lasted 2 so far because he is as well. Ok, reading the article now... Squirrel. LOL
What's in it for them?
Do they ever object to your expectations for them to manage your responsibilities? It sounds as if you want a partner to acquiesce to avoid conflict and not upset you, to clean up after you, to organize your life, and to be pleasant while doing so.
There's givers and there's takers...We know who loses....
Heethin's post sadly isn't uncommon thinking for many w/ add....In fact, her short post could save millions of people from disastrous relationship attempts, if they would just read it, believe it, and respect the truth of it.....
c
what are you do you mean this
what are you do you mean this comment do you mean that adhd people need caregiver as partners?
This is what he meant.
C ur Self was referring to this post :
My kinda Guy
Submitted by Heethin on Sat, 05/22/2021 - 02:45
Heethin said that they looked for people who would accommodate them..
"Guys that are calm (because I have anxiety), outgoing and happy (I am too so they know the ins nd outs of being this way), organized (because I am NOT), nergetic (to clean up my messes) " ( As far as I'm concerned this is just laziness.)
I believe that C observed that some ADHD partners seek out people who do too much so that they don't have to do anything.
This can also apply to Partners who don't have a d h d. There are plenty of selfish people out there, who probably should not be in a relationship.
What do I mean?
Nothing more or nothing less than than what I wrote....There is no hidden meanings or judgments in my statement...If a person wants to be on the other end of her statement of reality of what she desires in a spouse, and why she desires it, then so be it...After 13 years of it, I personally wouldn't ever choose it....
c
choose to be with an adhd
What you saying is that us people with adhd want caregivers as partners and you said unommon thinking for us that is messed up to say.Your also saying that you would avoid all people with adhd wtf.We are not bad people we just have different brains at all.
Your wrong Sam!
Your judging me, and trying to put words in my mouth...I never said anything bad about add people...I said that I would never choose to be with a person who wants a spouse for the reasons that Heethin stated she wanted her husbands for....She may be a wonder person...You may be a wonderful person....Being a great guy, gal, friend etc., has nothing to do with one's ability or desire to do the day to day work it takes to be a responsible spouse...
c
Not what he said at all.
C ur self NEVER said that all ADHD people desire to be with a partner who will take care of them and manage their lives. Heethin clearly did from what she posted.
My ADHD fiance does not expect me to take care of him he can take care of himself. He is 54 years old and through cognitive behavioral therapy has learned to manage his life. He has no problems holding down a full-time well-paying job. He has no problems with managing his finances or keeping a reasonably tidy house.
The words of caution were for anyone who knowingly gets involved with an person who is attempting to manipulate or control them that's all. Speaking from experience, I stayed with my ex-husband 10 years longer than I should have. I thought he would change. The only person I can change is myself.
do you know that this a
do you know that this a condition that affect how you function in life so its hard to the things on a daily bases
40 years of experience
I am aware that after nearly 40 years with my H (35 years undiagnosed and still untreated) that ADHD is an executive function disorder that causes difficulty in relationships and employment. My comment to the OP, who did not respond, was asking if her mates objected to picking up the slack in their relationships. Her post sounded to me as though she had certain expectation for her mates to pick up after her and ultimately manage her life and household. The expectation of an ADHD spouse assuming that someone else should take over their responsibilities just because managing them tends to be difficult is 100% wrong. A self-aware committed ADHD partner would identify their weaknesses with the help of professionals and work toward becoming as proficient as they possibly can at these tasks and learn how to have better outcomes. Unfortunately this is not the case for many who post here.
I appreciate what Melissa
I appreciate what Melissa does. I do. I think this website and all its honesty is a godsend to those with ADHD and the people who are in relationships with them. It helped me recognize and try to help an ex GF I was dating . She didn't take my advice, but I tried.
This article is meant to be pro ADHD of course. It is extremely one sided, and literally calls for a saint to be with someone who has ADHD. She knows this folks.
Being with or marrying an ADHD person is an exercise in futility IMO. There is a reason the divorce rate is so high ( I've sen 70%, 80%, 2x the average, whatever, it's almost a certainty to fail). It's why she recommends waiting 3 years to marry. Of course, you'll know deep down way before that expiration date.
For those without ADHD the decision isn't easy, but you have to be somewhat selfish. You can't kill yourself trying to help someone with ADHD who more than likely will never acknowledge or appreciate your sacrifice. Life is short. Find someone else.
I have to agree
The characteristics listed are the very ones many of our ADD partners exploit. The one about the non partner having good employment (just in case) is insulting. Many non moms who post here support the family while ADD husband is at home supposedly looking for work but is really playing video games. Often he does nothing else, no child care, no housework, no cooking or grocery shopping and Mom picks up all the slack. The other trait often exploited by the stay-at-home ADDer is the good nature of the spouse. Their expectation is that you are there for them. You, however, are never a thought in their mind unless they need something from you. Often they become unrelenting trying to manipulate you when you do not agree.
Expecting them to change is futile. If they want to change there is some hope but blindly following the suggestions to temper your reaction, speak softly, engage them when they are well fed and the room is quiet, etc yields the same old fights because no matter the approach any conversation about a difficult subject is received as criticism. They overreact to the carefully thought out soft opening, immediately become defensive, and bring up all your past transgressions but you are supposed to overlook theirs.
Lastly, I think that if you are financially secure and can hire out work such as lawn care, house cleaning, maintenance, Ubers to drive the kids, have groceries delivered, have money to spend on a date night; life with ADD spouse might be less stressful. BUT I think many of us here are not so fortunate and are just getting by. The helpmate and partner we thought was pulling with us has unexpectedly dropped the rope leaving us to manage it all on our own and they have no intention of picking it up again. They see that you are overwhelmed and comment that you are angry, yet never offer help. It is no wonder so many marriages with ADD partners don't last.
Dead on. ADHD people know
Dead on. ADHD people know very well how to manipulate and turn on the charm when they want something. I dealt with it a lot in a very short time.
I painted a mailbox for my ex , which hadn't seen paint in ten years. Not even a thank you until I mentioned it three days later, and even then it was a sheepish " I noticed" by her.
Most people will never have the money to pay for the things the ADHD partner should be doing. It's a farce to even suggest it.
The question is always this - WHY BE WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL NEVER TRULY UNDERSTAND OR APPRECIATE HOW HARD IT IS TO LIVE WITH THEM ?
You married an adult, a partner, not a helpless newborn.
It is sad, but their brain is broken and cannot be fixed.
I've got to say ...
After reading this:
"I think that if you are financially secure and can hire out work such as lawn care, house cleaning, maintenance, Ubers to drive the kids, have groceries delivered, have money to spend on a date night; life with ADD spouse might be less stressful."
I thought to myself--you might as well be single, raising the kids. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership . If the spouse doesn't contribute at all, ADHD or not, what is the point in being married or in a relationship?
Just my two cents.
A
Exactly!
Even if you are financially secure enough to hire out all of that work, you still have to deal with the anger, the negativity, the verbal abuse, the false memories, the endless rambling stories which are probably not true, the paranoia, the jealousy, the inappropriate comments toward others, the lack of boundaries, the entitlement, the unreliability, the misinterpretation of what you say, the manipulation, the resentment, the addictive personality, the hoarding, the dependence, and the childishness and messiness. So what if you pay for all the chores to be done? He’s still glued to his phone or computer. There is no friendship or trust in the relationship.
Money cannot buy you happiness. My ex was so arrogant, he would not allow me to hire professionals to do the work like fixing a hole in the roof, insisting he could do it himself. The roof never got fixed, and it fell in one day. He even got very angry when I hired an attorney, thinking that was a waste of money when he could just “get on the computer and do the legal work” himself! He didn’t even go to college, and he wanted me to use him instead of an attorney! I hired an attorney anyway, and his resentment and refusal to cooperate with him made things just an unbearable hell.
He thought he was saving me money by insisting on doing everything himself, when in reality his efforts were so shallow, so half heartedly done, and short lived, they only made things worse.
There is an endless loop for
There is an endless loop for them. They feel shame for not being normal, and then get defensive when you want to use someone else for a project. They know they'll never finish it, and then get mad all over again the next time you want to hire someone.
My ex made the comment one time that " she had never been more organized in her life " lol.
Yeah, because I had cleaned out the garage by myself, bought the shelves, threw out the crap, organized it. I did this with her closet, her entire house. I got her.a huge white board, markers, you name it.
Did it matter ? Nope. Closet went right back to shit, garage filled with crap she found, and the white board filled with random tasks a child could remember but nothing important.
Anyone living with this chaos needs to really assess what they want their life to be. I chose to escape .
I'm glad someone said it
When this article was first published, I had a slight simmering anger in the back of my head for days. I wanted to say something but then I let it go because I respect Melissa's work so much and I know it wasn't her intent to turn healthy people into targets. However, it really did feel like giving ADHD people a guidebook for the type of person they can use and who will accommodate them with a smile - to support the family financially through ADHD job loss, to calmly fix repeated mistakes or laugh off when promises are broken and expectations not met over and over. Of course marriage is made of those things occasionally - but an ADHD marriage is the normal amount of that TIMES ONE HUNDRED (conservatively). I used to be that positive and empathetic person who laughed things off and my ADHD partner's symptoms turned me into a mess of a person. I don't want that for anyone else. These positive, patient, financially secure, accommodating people described in the article deserve exactly that in THEIR partners.
Deleted
Blog post kinda made me annoyed
Glad you posted. My intention was to focus on the blog post bulletpoints that I felt were insulting to non spouses. It seems the commentary at the end of my original post brought the focus to the fact that money doesn't buy happiness. That is true. I guess I was wondering out loud if all the undone was done with outside help, would stress be reduced. It seems not much would change based on the replies.
Money
We are separated now, but for a few years, we finally hired out for cleaning service once every two weeks. It was a huge help. He complained about the cost all the time and said "we could do it ourselves." But what he meant was that *I* could do myself because that's exactly how it was for the 15 years preceding. He was unemployed while I was working my tail off. The house was a mess because he made it that way and even every two weeks it was a Herculean effort to clear the clutter so the housecleaners could actually "clean" the surfaces! But it did help nonetheless and I got back to being able to invite people over if I wanted to on the weekends when we had the cleaning service. Unfortunately I didn't have money for the rest of it the items mentioned, but really the cleaning service was just a coping mechanism. I am so much happier now that I am alone and don't have to pay for the cleaning service because the house isn't always a total disaster with him in it.
Amen!
Amen Melody! Non-ADHD partners should not be “used” like a parasite uses a host, solely for the advantage of the ADHD person. That is unfair and unhealthy and abusive. A person deserves balance in a relationship, equal to what they put into the relationship.
Wait you guys are saying that
Wait you guys are saying that people should not get married to people with ADHD because all people with ADHD are not the same.I have ADHD and Ive been take meds for it and going to therapy.
Hey Sam
Definitely not. Most of us here had or have drastically undertreated ADHD partners who couldn't see themselves clearly and who were very self-focused in relationships. I think there are a lot of great people with ADHD who use their unique strengths well and manage the symptoms that make life difficult incredibly well. I'm sorry if anything I said seemed like painting all people with ADHD with one brush. I really admire that you're doubling down on treatment - meds + therapy.
Thanks for the clarification
Thanks for the clarification and yea I know how you guys feel about untreated ADHD because I was out of control before taking meds and therapy.
Although...
You don''t really know a person until you live with them. Often the hyperfocus phase of the relationship doesn't wear off until 3-4 years have passed. So you cannot know whether you shouldn't marry them until after you are married!
That was the case with my ex husband. He showed me who he wanted me to see for the first 6 years. Although there were red flags, I brushed them off as him being stressed out from working and completing his Master's degree. He showed me who he really was after our son was born. The mask came off.
I would say at that point, if the partner is unwilling to admit that their condition (no matter what it might be) is having a negative effect on the relationship, there comes a time when the partner has to decide. Is it worth staying with a partner who isn't a partner? With someone who refuses to take ownership of their behavior and actions? For me, that answer was NO.
100% correct.
100% correct.
Why should anyone suffer from the loneliness, the abuse, the unwilling attitudes of those with ADHD who are unwilling to try ?
Not About Who to Take Advantage Of
I am hearing that this article offended some without ADHD who have read it. I wonder if it would have been as offensive if I had suggested what sort of ADHD partner would be good for someone without ADHD. In that article I might have said things like "a person whose ADHD brings them the creativity to succeed in the workplace (i.e. hold a job); a person who is willing to engage in working on issues without taking over; a person who shares your values and passions; a person who is empathetic and compassionate; a person with whom you could laugh; a person who respects who you are; a person who is willing to make sure your relationship is right before jumping in.
If that sounds appealing, it is. And it's the same list I've put above for the ADHD partners. Because it's a list of qualities that can make a good partner! It's not about defining who could be taken advantage of by ADHD partners - those who read it that way are bringing their own baggage to what I've written. Further, and this is the part that actually makes me a bit mad, I've added a section that points out that it's not just about what makes a good partner (even though that is what the post is about) but also that the ADHD person ALSO has to be a good partner, by managing the ADHD and bringing one's best self to the relationship. It's a repetitive theme of mine that at least some non-ADHD readers like to gloss over as they sort through what I write.
thankyou
thankyou
Hello,
Hello,
I would like to add some comments to this thread. I was married to a woman with ADHD, without hyperactivity, for almost 2 decades. Furthermore, I would like to apologize upfront if any of my comments offend anyone, this is not my intention.
It was my experience that been married to someone with ADHD is like living life walking on eggshells, never knowing went they are going to do something detrimental to the marriage and household. It was my experience that their impulsivity, disorganization, inability to forecast the consequence of their actions are major issues, especially in important matters. You may also fear that they will not provide the proper environment for a child. This is due to the high possibility that you are going to have a child also with ADHD. This is a separate subject, but I do understand that raising a child ADHD to their full potential is a challenging task even under the best circumstances. Over the years I understood that you may need to assist them with the following:
If you have ADHD I do fully understand your point of view. I have ADHD with hyperactivity. I currently don't take medication, but do receive counseling and therapy for over 27 years. I know how to maintain a job, for over 25 years, got a master's degree, and even be successful and become effective at avoiding all the potential major negative outcomes. With ADHD you also have the ability to find solutions to complex issues/problems, in case they arise. Many people with ADHD work best in a crisis. I do believe having a marriage with an ADHD individual is possible if both partners understand the weakness and strengths of each other.
Any comments are welcome.
was your wife medicated and
was your wife medicated and in therapy
Hi Sam,
Hi Sam,
Yes, she was in stimulant, and she needed to take it daily to function properly and also in therapy. This was a surprise to me since I only needed the Rx during my workdays and not the weekends. I have not taken Rx in over 10 years, After 25 years on the same job, you develop skills, workarounds, techniques etc to do the work effectively. Since I didn't need them in the weekends, I assume she was the same, this was not the case. She was also diagnosed in her late 30s. She was the 1st person than I knew with ADHD, I always assume than been hyperactive made things worse. I had a mistaken view of ADHD. She was an honor student and college, which does hide the need for evaluations for ADHD or other learning disabilities. Since 1st diagnose I believe that having ADHD does create some blind spots in your perception of the world around you, specially in human/social interaction. I usually ask a good neurotypical friend for their impression, so I can compare with my perception, just to double-check. This may seem needless but one needs to understand ones limitations and develop strategies to overcome them.
Regarding asking a
Regarding asking a neurotypical -- who do you ask, and how do you ask them?
Hi jidann,
Hi jidann,
A neurotypical would be a person that doesn't have ADHD or another disorder. As I mentioned in have ADHD, which in my own opinion can at times give distorted interpretation of reality or a situation. I am not sure if this assumption is correct or no, opinions would be appreciated. I would ask my therapist or a trusted good friend if my interpretation of a situation and my proposed response is adequate and not over reaction. I do believe that ADHD does make accurate and effective communication difficult at times, so you have to develop methods/techniques to correct/compensate for this. For example repeating what some tells you and making sure that is what they told you.
Supporting Your ADHD Partner
It sounds as if you are no longer married to this person, so perhaps this information is too late. However, the sorts of assistance you talk about in this post resemble codependent behavior. This is when someone helps another too much. It can add to the pressure on the relationship, as the partner being helped may feel resentful that they aren't 'allowed' to do it their own way, and the partner doing the helping may feel resentful that their assistance isn't appreciated and that their partner isn't making many moves to improve the situation. If anyone reading this post is interested, the classic book on codepence is Melodie Beatty's Co-Dependent No More. The first part is a bit hard to read, but she settles into a helpful view of why it's important to make sure you aren't helping or compensating too much.
I know that the presence of ADHD makes this topic particularly difficult. If your partner doesn't follow through due to the presence of under-managed ADHD symptoms, that leaves the other partner in a very tough bind. Exploring that dilemma is part of what I help couples with because it's very tricky. But generally speaking, making clear delineations between what is yours to deal with and what isn't will help the relationship remain healthier.
Hello
Hello
Thanks for your response much appreciated. Just wish the 3 marriage therapist over 10 years would have pick this up as the root cause of the marriage problems. This is something you pick up immediately
Please let me know at which point in a new relationship one should get assistance from a professional like yourself. Just want know so as to avoid future problems
Thanks again
When to get counseling
The answer to this - provided you have the financial wherewithall - is as soon as you feel that communication is breaking down; as soon as you feel that you, as a non-ADHD or more-organized partner are taking on too much responsibility in the relationship; as soon as you feel boundaries need to be strengthened; as soon as either one of you has moved into chronic anger or resentment that is impacting the quality of your interactions.
I have come to believe that couples should work with an ADHD-knowledgable counselor sooner rather than later.
Hyperfocus, stress and grief
My experience with my recently diagnosed wife is that we went through hyperfocus, followed by stress of her Mum having a terminal diagnosis and then the grief of her Mum dying.
Now 11 years in she's been diagnosed and has open said she has no interest in tidying, cleaning, finances and in a lot of cases spending time with our child.
The lies are now unraveling. She has always told me.what I want to hear, but now has stopped doing that. We have now arrived at a point where the future is me taking my son on holiday on my own unless the whole trip interests her.
She regularly insults me and has told me.the diagnosis is so that I can learn to live with her. No commitment to effort on her side.
She tells me and my son that she loves us, but actions speak louder than words in my opinion.
We are (I am) planning to do the self study seminar. Maybe that will bring about change.
She does hold down a responsible job and appreciates.that there are consequences to not following through. In her mind there are no home life consequences to not following through.
I despair.