There is a very interesting conversation going on around my “Learning to Like Yourself Again” post of 7/30/09. A number of readers relate their stories about the relief they have felt as they have started to “become themselves” again and let go of some of their struggle. The question for some, though, is “how do I rekindle the warmth/affection in my own heart for my spouse?”
It’s wonderful if you can rediscover the core of who you are and begin to reassert your true self. Most times this means creating something of a separation between you and your ADD partner’s life. For the most part, this is very healthy. You will do better if both people recognize that each is an individual – each with free will, different approaches to the same problems, different ways of seeing and interpreting what goes on around you.
But after years of conflict, things have changed. Your mutual ability to connect affectionately has disappeared as has your ability to feel “safe” with your partner. If your marriage follows the patterns that mine did, you hardened your heart to protect yourself (from repeated disappointments, from pain, from the struggle of managing it ALL). Your spouse hardened his heart from the pain of being pursued and put down, from the loss of the “safety” of your love as you withdrew it. Being a person with ADD, and living primarily “in the moment”, he moved on and filled his days with things other than you even as he (and his ADD) became more and more central to your struggle.
There remains a chasm that seems impossible to bridge. How do you get past it?
The very first steps are to recognize that the chasm exists, and that it exists for very legitimate reasons. Your lives were too raw to leave yourselves open – you both HAD to protect yourselves in order to simply survive. Even as you start to heal, the fact that you don’t immediately feel warmth for your spouse (or he for you) after what you’ve been through is OKAY.
That said, you would prefer to feel fulfilled in your relationship again, not just happy about re-finding yourself.
Scientific studies about the nature of romance suggest that doing challenging and new things together is an excellent way to recreate bonds. Things that make you laugh at the same time are particularly good. One study, in which couples had their arms tied together and legs tied together and had to move an object across a room showed an improvement in emotional bonding in just 7 minutes! Related research suggests that doing things together that aren’t engaging/new/challenging doesn’t help you bond. So sitting in the same room and reading a book or cooking family dinner might be an improvement in “togetherness” for you, but it won’t enrich your bonds while hot air ballooning or taking tango lessons together might. “New and exciting” doesn’t have to be just physical activities (though physicality plays to most ADD peoples’ strengths). Anything that is “new” and “challenging” will do. Things that make you laugh together aren’t bad, either.
If both of you are up for it, one rule of thumb can be “do something silly together every day.” Another great idea – spend some part of every day physically touching each other. Start small – take a walk and hold hands. Sit on the sofa and watch a movie together with your legs intertwined. Or, (one of my favorites) for one month set your alarm 10 minutes early and start each day holding each other before you get up in the morning and talk about things that make you happy (including what you like about your spouse or things that you did together recently). For a while, insist that these interactions NOT include any sexual activity – they are just a great way to start your day feeling positive and focusing on each other.
Treatment for ADD symptoms is part of the mix as well. An untreated partner who is consistently distracted is going to be hard to get to know again because he or she will not spend enough “engaged” time with you. (This will be different from when you were dating, when he was hyperfocused on you.) The good news iis that folks with ADD are often real optimists who easily live in the present. Once a spouse starts to really trust that the changes you’ve made (as you’ve found the “real” you again) are going to stick, and that he’s not going to get hit over the head every time he does something differently than what you expect, it’s possible he’ll throw himself back into the relationship with gusto. This was true in my marriage (in fact my husband’s enthusiasm ran ahead of the reality of our situation for a while). For him, the important factor was learning to “trust” that I was committed to being the old me, and wouldn't revert to the newer, bitchy me.
Talking plays a role, as well. It’s important that both spouses acknowledge the emotional distance between them, its validity, and agree that it’s worth working on getting to know each other again. While it’s possible that a non-ADD spouse will be taking the lead on this (due to better organizational skills and less distraction) it is, none the less, important that the ADD spouse be open to seizing moments of emotional connection as they happen. It might feel a little emotionally “dangerous” or false to take that walk and hold hands, but you have to start somewhere as you rebuild your trust in your ability to connect again.
Though you need to be willing to take emotional risks, reconnecting can’t be forced. You both need to want to reconnect and do the work that is involved in making it happen. And, yes, you both need a period of time to mourn the fact that your relationship hasn’t gone the way that you once expected it would. Some of the singly most painful moments of my marriage came after we had both committed to re-connecting and I faced the truth about just how far apart we had become. However, the great news is that with concerted effort (and using all of the ideas given above) we did bridge that gap and ended up more in love than we had been at any other point in our marriage (including our wedding day). Our love is different now – deeper, with more understanding, more accepting…better.
Teach yourselves to openly acknowledge the positive. This is habit you've gotten out of, in part because you suspected that if you said "thank you" or something positive then it would take off some of the heat and things would start to "slip" again. Be aware of this bias and make a pact to both try to overcome it. Say "thank you" when he unloads the dishwasher. Tell him he looks great in that pair of pants. Smile and respond if he says something positive about you.
If you are both invested, you can rekindle your feelings. Think of the process as creating many “threads” of connection between you. Each contact provides an opportunity to attach another thread. After many threads are established, you start to weave the “cloth” of the new emotional relationship. So be open to whatever moments of connection come your way. Remember to make time to laugh and try to do new and challenging things together. Try to relax, but seek out small ways to touch each other verbally and emotionally that can improve your bonds. You’ll start to know you are succeeding when some of the tension around being together starts to ease.
One last note for those with children. Make sure to keep opportunities open for doing fun things together as a family. I’ve seen a number of families where a non-ADD spouse decides to “move on with her life” and creates a fulfilling life with her kids that leaves her spouse on the “outside”. While it may be more efficient to leave the ADD spouse behind to do whatever he’s doing at the moment, your love for your children is an important potential point of connection…and who can’t laugh sometimes when with their kids?!
As idea starters, here are a few “new and exciting” things you might be able to do together:
More physical
- Take up kayaking, try sailing lessons, go white water rafting
- Take dance lessons together (try some of the romantic steps – tango, etc)
- Join a biking club (try a tandem?) or hiking club
- Build and take care of a garden together
- Join a good cause walk or ride (AIDS, MS, hunger) and train together
- Spend a week at a dude ranch
- Take up any new sport that’s easy for couples to do together (tennis, yoga, golf etc)
- Have an old fashioned outdoor family party – pizza, tents in the back yard for the kids, sack races, egg toss, etc. Make sure all the adults participate, too
- Volunteer for the local “rails to trails” organization or an environmental group of your choice
- Hike out into the wilderness for a week or weekend
Less physical
- Go hot air ballooning
- Go to driving school (skid school) together
- Find a mutual topic of interest and start a blog together
- Start a weekly date night – don’t do the same thing twice in 6 months
- Take a picnic on a pontoon boat – go to a beach
- Find a weird new hobby together (collecting something inexpensive, building musical instruments, creating paper airplane contests for local schools?)
- Go to an amusement park and ride the ferris wheel, merry-go-round and any others you loved in your childhood
- Serve food at the local soup kitchen
- Take walks and hold hands
- Splurge on a concert or play – rent a room and take yourself out of your normal environment
- Go gliding
- Try fishing
- Join a community chorus or band
- Leave love notes on his mirror
- MelissaOrlov's blog
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Comments
Heart of Stone
My husband and I have been married 38 years. Two years ago I had heart pain and went to a therapist for depression. Over the past two years I learned alot about myself and found courage to take responsibility for what was happening in my life. I fell in love without realizing it with the therapist who I was seeing monthly. I asked my husband to see a marriage counselor (different person)and together we discovered the pattern of ADD and emotional abuse. I feel alot of guilt about my feelings for this therapist and we ended our time together without really talking about my transference of love. I was feeling again and that made me realize I could still feel and love. My heart of stone began to melt. My husband agreed to take medication and read the book "You Don't Have To Take It Anymore". The positive results for us were dramatic. We are able to talk and resolve conflict. I nurture myself and get two-fold results. My husband is working again after 5 years and is supportive of my goals. We have a new relationship and future together.
Melting the wicked witch
What a great article so full of valuable advise! It is very exciting for me to embark on this new reconnection journey. It's like the beginning of a new relationship really - a fresh start. I am (we are) now in the middle of dealing with the guilt, shame and pain (I am the non ADD spouse) over how we have handled some things. He is too. Ouch....It's very real grief. It gripes me out of the blue when I'm at work or at one of our childrens activiies. We were so close to throwing it all away and locked in a horrible downward spiral.
What is begining to amerged is a sense of 'we're in this together', type thing. We sleep in separate rooms for now and are taking it day by day. We (kids and all) went hiking this weekend and had a wonderful time . It's a start - I booked a white water rafting trip through a guide outfit so that most of the details would be taken care of by the outfitters. At least our lives are more exciting - it really helps to have something fun to look forward too. I am taking more of your advise to heart in hopes that it will work and be real and permanent progress this time. Perhaps the heart of stone feeling will leave me soon. In any event I have hope and see that we may still have a chance at love and life together. Thanks so much for your heartfelt advise.
Watershed moment: Heart is Melting
Haven’t posted in a while so just an update….Our house is still calm for the most part.. 5 weeks and counting since the last Chadd meeting he went to..…My ADD husband went to his 2nd CHADD meeting last week. I’m still not getting a lot of two way dialogue about what goes on….But my husband did make a comment that I really need to attend a meeting with him so I can see how things are…. He asked me to attend next month with him, so I take it he is benefiting from the interaction with ADD others dealing with similar challenges as he. I told him I would go with him.
Having him attending these meetings has to be the single most important thing which has aided his awareness and understanding of his ADD…..His defensiveness and my anger which has molded our relationship interaction for the last 20 years, had been reduced Id say by 75-80% over the last 5 weeks from what it was.
Before, we would have blow ups about an issue, and my husband would try to stay on task in response to my anger for at best a good 10-14 days…Once everything went back to calm and the pressure was off.. he’d slip right back to old behaviors of inaction and defensiveness and the cycle continued until the next blow up.
…..I think the CHADD meetings have allowed him to be empowered and have put a “face” on what he is going through as well as give him hope and tools to cope….Yes we still have clashes, but they are small compared to the past 20 years, and I’ve started to notice a better willingness of understanding from him..His universe has shifted with a hint of alignment with mine…Hmmm.
Two examples,. I called him last week at work ( frustrated as I was) to talk about our family pet dog who is up in years, stays in our fenced yard all day when we are at work, but has bad habits of chewing himself out of the fence if its storming outside….The normal pattern would be for me to call my husband and vent about the problem, and husband getting defensive because he perceived I was telling him how he wasn’t solving it…..Instead, He comes back to me….” You must be really frustrated.”..Hmmm. Yes I was and he actually acknowledged my feelings without getting defensive! I was so flabbergasted. I just said.. “ Yes, I am.”…I was speechless. Wow....
It happened again yesterday….I was upset about our sons grades, and sorrowful that we haven’t been able to get to the bottom on the problem..….My husband says,….” You sound really scared.”…Hmmm Yes I was….He acknowledged my feelings again. You have no idea how HUGE that was for me….This has never happened in the past….I actually felt a little melting of my heart occurring..
He also mentioned that he wanted to talk about another issue, and stated “Need to discuss now... If I put it off on the back burner I will never get back to it.” .HUGE awareness again !
Today I noticed something died in our refrigerator..Well, not really but it sure smelled like it!….The freezer particularly has all sorts of” forgotten” meats wrapped in freezer paper, not labeled and out of sight….Since my husband cooks a lot he pulls the meats from the downstairs freezer to upstairs….Well our freezer had signs of forgotten meats,, 5-6 packages of hot dogs..freezer burn all over..Yuck….When Iwas cleaning itout and gettingn frustrated..I brought it to his attention that we need to either throw out or use it before buying more he said: “ Yes, I Take FULL ACCOUNTABILITY FOR TAKING CARE OF THE MEATS.!...” No defensiveness, very matter of factly stated….
Unbelievable….Music to my ears….. Three days in a row….Acknowledgment of my feelings, and taking accountability for his actions….I need to send the CHADD Facilitator a dozen roses…..
He never would internalize the things I asked him to do, but whoever is at these CHADD meetings, he is listening and internalizing….
So small steps..In all my hope I still get flooded with emotion and sometimes fear that the “ bubble is going to burst” and Ill wake up….But so far, things have stuck and I see small progress which gives me hope which in turn lessens my anger and frustration…built up after so many years of disappointment
My take home lesson is if you have an ADD spouse who is even remotely willing to get help..Try a CHADD meeting in your area….Putting a name and face on this with others who have similar issues, has been very helpful in opening the awareness of my husband and moving him toward action….
My Heart of Stone is warming and I am truly overwhelmed and greatful for progress…This is a “watershed moment” in our marriage…I not sure my husband realizes it…. but It is for me.
Blessings!
Tears in My Eyes
I am overwhelmed by the positive responses and stories that some of you have written here about turning your lives around in small steps. These stories are why I write this blog.
Something for everyone to watch out for as things get better...not everything will happen in a straight line. The time when you start to melt your heart is a very vulnerable time - you hardened it for a reason, after all. At those times when your spouse does something that seems completely boneheaded - or reminds you of what you hate most - take a deep breath and remind yourself that progress isn't always forward. Talk with your spouse calmly about your concerns if you must express them, and resist the urge to move back to self-protection mode immediately. Long-term progress is what you're after, not daily perfection (a standard none of us can meet!)
Or, as Dr. John Ratey said to me this summer as we were talking one afternoon - "What kills me is the number of times a person with ADD works and works and works and makes all these improvements, then makes one mistake and his spouse pounces on him and BLAM!, all that progress is over! I've seen this pattern over and over and over again!"
Anyway, keep the great stories coming! People on this site need to see the positive as well as the despair~
It Felt Good
I'm not sure where to post this - so I'll put it here. My ADHD husband is sick today. Says that he aches all over. When he's sick, he wanders in and out of the kitchen and living room, looking lost, getting himself something to drink or eat and needing some attention/sympathy (making comments here and there about what hurts - waiting for me to say how sorry I am for him). It is not unlike his behavior when he is off his meds (which he has been for the last week because he forgot to refill his prescription). Normally I have a hard time dealing with this behavior - it makes me angry to feel like he thinks I need to baby him. We have three small children (ages 5,3 and 10 months) who are all sick, too. It seems to never fail that if they get sick, he'll get whatever they have within days.
This morning when he came downstairs, I asked him how he was feeling. It seems like nothing at all to ask, but it was huge. I acknowledged him and his illness and I did it without being snide about it (which I've been known to do in the past). And it felt good. It felt good to be nice to him. It felt good to not be angry. It felt good not to be snotty with my words. It just felt good. And that was all he needed. He went on to get something to drink. And I think he felt good.
That's all. I just thought I'd share that with someone who knows what I'm going through and can understand how something so small can be so big.
It Felt Good
You are not alone! I know that feeling so very much! Sometimes you just want to feel like a woman and not the mother of your children AND your husband, right? Sometimes WE just want to have someone to lean on when we feel like our partner isn't a partner at all but just another mouth to feed or child to take care of. I sometimes feel like my 2 year old is more perceptive, understanding and helpful than my adult husband. At least my 2-year-old acknowledges my feelings.
It's so hard when we feel like we have to be strong all the time and take care of EVERYTHING. I am so happy to read that you let go of that anger a bit and acknowledged your husband and his illness. This gives me and my hardened heart hope. Like you said, sometimes something that small can change a person's attitude. I know a few times my husband has surprised me and has actually stepped up to the plate and acted like an adult in a mature and responsible manner. These times are rare but they do exist. So, if you know those moments exist than it gives you hope!
Good for you and your husband...that's GREAT! I pray those GOOD moments will increase for the both of you.
Felt good
It's so nice to know that I'm not alone! I'm lucky in that my husband is trying to work on his ADHD and is willing to talk with me about what's going on. In one of our conversations, one where I was complaining a lot, he asked me, "Isn't there anything that I do right? Anything that you like about me? Anything that I do well?" And this wasn't him asking just to have a pat on the back. He was sincerely wanting to know what I thought about him. I really felt bad that I had been complaining so much about him to him. And without hesitation I rattled off a list of things that I like about him, things that he does for me and our children, things that he does for our house, etc. It was very easy to do. I try to keep that conversation in mind when I start to feel resentful. There are things that he does do well and that he does to put the kids and me before himself. I need to dwell on them and not on the negatives. And in all honesty, sometimes that's not an easy task.
The other thing I've done is pull out old letters he had written to me when we first met. We lived in different states so frequently wrote letters to each other. It's nice to read them and feel that giddiness and fluttery tummy I felt when I first read them. It helps to keep things positive in my mind. It may be corny - but it works for me.
Just the right moment
Thank you. Your post speaks directly to where I am or perhaps about to let myself be in my relationship. I am the non-ADD spouse who has been with my husband for seventeen years. We have recently decided to spend time apart so that we may both have a break from the stress we had been living under, and to have some space and time to work on ourselves. While we have both (in our own different ways and paces) been working on activites on our own--fitness, writing, reflection, time with friends, we've been spending time together as well (in addition to our counseling time). At first that time was centered around (much-needed) long, emotional discussions. While we still know it is necessary to check in and discuss our issues, I think we both would like to make the most of our time together, as the past two years have been emotionally difficult for us. I find myself continually balancing between compassion and self-protection, and sometimes feel that I can't let my heart be totally open again. The experiences and suggestions you've shared in your entry provide me with direction and hope. While I've been challenging myself in my own work, both physically, socially, and creatively, and will continue to focus on that, I think it could be beneficial (and possibly fun...??!!) to try something new and different together. It feels like we had been in a rut for so long, and then caught in a chasm of pain and confusion that felt endless, it's interesting to think that a bit of healing could come from a hike in the woods. In a way, these activities would be a return to how we used to be together, when we canoed, and camped, and even took dance lessons, long before the pressures of home ownership, adult life, etc., magnified our differences in approach and priorities. We remain separated. I remain apprehensive and cautious and while I know there's a chance I may never return to the trust and peace I once had, holding hands, even briefly, sounds like a bit of nurturing I (we) could use right now. Thank you again for your entry. While I have never posted before, I have been reading the site for a while and so many of the posts have resonated for me--the hopeful and the distraught. But I had just been thinking about this today, the idea of doing something positive together, so this entry spoke to me at just the right moment and led me to respond.
so right you are
jtc,
I think your quote "I find myself continually balancing between compassion and self-protection" is just a perfect explanation of what it feels like to want the relationship but not the pain. It is so powerful to me when someone is able to use a short concise statement that says it all. Your statement validates every hurting person here who is experiencing the stress of living with ADD.
Brenda
jtc, I have to agree with
jtc,
I have to agree with brenda. Great quote!!!!
great quote
I also agree. Well said!
But I'm terrified---
You may have seen my saga of cheating ADD husband in other posts. Long story short: he came back, "came to his senses," and we've been steadily working on being better together. He stopped cheating, I stopped bitching. We went away together for our anniversary, alone on a trip for the first time in 16 years. It was something to write home about if you weren't worried about shocking your mama.
The following Friday--- he calls me at work, says, "Without you getting mad, I want to go hang out with X tonight at happy hour."
I got mad. X is a hound with two ex-wives and kids by various others. It wasn't happy hour, it was a celebrity event at a club with a suggestive name, and it started at 10:00 pm. "Be there. Be beautiful" was the tag line. He was, and he is. And what's more, he told me I wasn't invited because I wasn't "the right demographic." Boy, did that hurt.
I got mad. Back to his old pattern. "I'm out, I'll do whatever the f*** I want to." Phone off, unreachable. Out until 2:00a.m. Told me after that he went just out of spite because I got so angry about it. I told him not to come home and had a suitcase ready for him when he did come through the door.
The next morning, in his eyes, it was as if nothing had happened and I was the one being crazy. He said he was just out dancing, and, yes, he wanted to go because he needed to an ego feed. He needed to feel like the center of attention, and it had nothing to do with me. We were fine. He loved me.
I've spent the week trying to get over it. It's like everything has backslid. I'm back to the point where I'm not safe with him emotionally. I'm not the right demographic? And Saturday we went to a street fair. Women walk up to him and flirt, with me standing right there. He sees male friends, and he doesn't introduce me. Says he can't remember their names and doesn't want to embarrass them. I'm not the right demographic. I'm his old ball-and-chain, his old chubby wife. (he's a couple years younger than I am, but still gets carded---seriously---in bars.)
I'm bitchy. I'm digging at him constantly, snide remarks wrapped in sweet smiles. I'm terrified. Do I have to go through this again? I'm going out with a friend to a concert tonight. He has to do back-to-school night and take care of the kids, and my youngest son made me give him Dad's phone number in case Dad forgot to pick him up. Is it just me? Husband is pissed off because I was reviewing details with him this a.m. Told me to just let him handle it and go have a good time.
He has no worries that I'll do something like fall in love for the weekend like he does. Who would fall in love with me? I'm the "wrong demographic." But I'm worried that he's going to take this opportunity and blow off back-to-school and go play basketball or go to a bar or something. And justify it by saying, "you were out having fun, why can't I?"
I'm terrified and I can't seem to shake it. I've been working hard to get my confidence back, to understand that much of this is not about me and that I need to take care of myself first, but then I'm suddenly not the right demographic to be seen with? If he goes to back-to-school night, he's probably glad I'm not there--- everyone will think he's so much cooler without me hanging around him.
I'm coming close to hating him, I swear I am. And myself more for not being able to handle this. What do I do?
Wrong Demographic
One thing about being married for a while - your spouse knows EXACTLY how to push all your buttons when he wants to. The "you're the wrong demographic" comment may have been calculated to make you as mad as possible, and feel as badly as possible, and it worked. He got you off his back for a while, and made you miserable at the same time.
Did you ask him, when he said you were the wrong demographic if he meant you were "female", or that you were "too old"? I'm wondering if he meant the former, and you interpreted it the latter. Nonetheless, the carelessness of the comment, is monumental. Can I get mad for you?!
This man, with his turning off his phone when he doesn't want to talk with you, going out and doing what he pleases, and not introducing you to his friends, is showing you that you "can't control him". You, yourself, acknowledge this dynamic in your relationship when you say "I'm bitchy. I'm digging at him constantly, snide remarks wrapped in sweet smiles..." and when you say "He has to do back to school night and take care of the kids...husband is pissed off because I was reviewing the details with him this a.m."
I'm thinking you can't work this out on your own. The two of you need to confront the power struggle in your relationship head on - probably with the help of a professional. You also point out that you have real trust issues that need to be dealt with. His actions (proving you can't control him, combined with not being reliable and flirting and having an affair) have busted your trust. It takes a long time - and conscious efforts on the part of both of you - to rebuild it...but until you get the "who's controlling whom?" issue behind you you won't be able to work well enough together - to GIVE to each other - in a way that's constructive. So try working on the control and anger issues first, then work on trust.
wrong demographic
Thanks for the response---good advice. And thanks for getting mad for me!
The "wrong demographic" remark, I'm embarrassed (for him) to admit, had to do with gender, age, and race. But it more had to do with the fact that he was pissed at me, and as you pointed out, knew how to hurt me.
I think you're spot on about the control issues---for years I've felt like we're in some kind of competition.
Could it be that he's actually as insecure as I am?
And since the affairs I'm really uncomfortable when he's out of my sight. I am "keeping him on a short leash." It's hard not to, even if he's behaving. I mean, he came home from said back-to-school night telling me about what a real beauty queen my son's teacher was. Nothing much about his actual classwork, just a TMZ review of the teacher's hotness. Huh? Why? To get to me? (For once I didn't react, though it took huge effort.)
Part of the agreement with him coming back was that he would singularly or we would together seek counseling. That's not going to happen. An argument ensues every time I bring it up--- "You're trying to control everything." Even his MD has suggested it. I've sought counseling on my own, but we spend most of our time talking about my husband's symptoms rather than how I can make my life better, so I'm a little disappointed there. I'd like for something in my life to be about ME, for a change, rather than about him.
And maybe that's where I need to start again--- making my life be about me. Though I resisted it for a long time---he hasn't worn his wedding ring in almost a year, lost it for a while at a "friend's" house, and still won't wear it because he doesn't "need a ring to be married"---I took mine off last weekend. That's symbolic to me.
He hasn't noticed, of course.
UPDATE
I asked him to leave and he did. Caught him in another lie; said he was playing basketball and in fact he was out with a girlfriend having drinks. There wasn't any anger this time; it was just this feeling deep inside of me that my limit had been reached and I was more important that the chaos around me. He called this a.m. and apologized sincerely, closing with the reminder that we met 20 years ago today.
Thanks for the posts, Melissa and everyone. This is quite a support system.
believe nothing they say
LeeAnonymou,
One thing you might want to consider is something my counselor told me. Believe nothing they say, but watch their actions carefully. Look for consistency, but refuse to be controlled by their manipulative promises. One really helpful thing I learned to do is to see myself as a observing psychologist. In my mind, I would pretend to be a psychologist just observing what he said and did, then I would go into a reporting mode about my findings. It takes all the emotion out of it when you are a curious observer not a victim of betrayal. It must have allowed me to distance myself and be more objective about what was really going on.
Another very important thing my counselor said to me is that my husband and I had a consistient pattern of dealing with problems. "your husband misbehaves, you get really angry and verbal about it, then he comes to you all sorry, and you cave into his promises" BINGO, exactly the pattern I lived for 34 years. When I quit caving into this pattern I began to heal. it was the first boundary that I consistently applied.
You are not alone and just keep visiting here.
Brenda
actions not words
Hello All, I'm new to the board. I just want to express the relief I feel at having found you all. I'm the non-ADD spouse and have been married to a wonderful man for 8 years now. We almost separated very recently and a friend lent me a book on ADD/ADHD and I felt instant recognition. I'd been attending Al-Anon because my husband drinks to excess occasionally, I'm sure to self-medicate. However, now that I know the root cause, I have been reading and educating myself about ADD/ADHD. He is in denial but agrees to allow a medical doctor evaluate and diagnose him. I believe his daughter, my 14 yr old stepdaughter, is also ADD and that he really resists, but will bring it up to her pediatrician when they go next. At least he says he will. I am seeing a marriage counselor tonite to discuss my thoughts; my husband may attend, may not; however, I'm relieved to have some type of forum. I have felt so frustrated. My husband makes promises only to break them the following day (if I'm lucky). He has great intentions, says good stuff, and then poof - gone, with the next chaos, crisis. I watch him run himself down and I feel sad for him. I asked him if we could make love (it was middle of the afternoon) and he looked at me like I suggested eating worms. He smiled but I thought of The Shining's character - mad smile. He was totally under the control of his ADHD and felt driven to run errands, instead of stop, smell the roses and make love with his wife. I know he loves me; and I know also that sometimes he can't and doesn't show it. He says he'll never hurt me (intentionally) and of course I've been hurt terribly. He called me terrible names in anger, even in front of his daughter and that was the reason I was going to move on. I told him he had a problem. Then I didn't know what it was. Now I see. I'm relieved to know the source, yet I'm still left with all that anger, frustration and isolation. I used to say he was punishing me; shortly after we'd get intimate, he'd become distant. Now, I see it was just the focus shifting. I often feel like I'm a small boat and left in the wake of a much larger more powerful one...and I need to right my boat from the total unbalance to continue moving forward. In the beginning when we met, he hyperfocused - I see many of you had the same experience. I thought he was insane the way he'd stare at me, but I grew to like it. I felt so important. Now, it's the exact opposite. We go out to dinner and he looks at everything but me! Again, I know it's nothing personal, just doesn't feel great, y'know? He's got a mouth that doesn't quit and often says stuff without filtering (another ADD symptom, I know). His hurtful, inappropriate comments would be so strange when I had no understanding of the whys behind them. I'm lucky to have this newfound awareness. I will visit your site often and hope to feel less alone in this situation. I know I need support because there is a backlog of hurt, frustration and disappointment in our history. I try to look past that, but know that I'm scared to trust again. If you can't trust your partner, what kind of relationship can you have? I now trust that he'll not follow through, because he can't. And I'm a "nag" now, in his face about what needs doing, matter-of-factly, but yet if I don't put it in front of him, it won't be done and I'm setting myself up. So, though I feel like I'm treating him like a child, I'm now in that position. What has been so upsetting is that the family watched as we tried, failed, tried, etc. I began to think they blamed me for being too demanding - they could only see that he was trying, after all...So now, I think they think I'm nuts. Anyone else out there feel like people think they've got a screw loose or it's their problem? Well, I have dealt with my own mental health issues, on antidepressant for borderline personality disorder/anxiety/depression - and when I read about ADD, I saw that I too probably had that as a child, misunderstood of course. They thought I was "gifted" and when I fell into a depression and was put on antidepressants, the symptoms were helped and I never really noticed it...So I see why I picked my husband. My child recognized his. I want him to work on his issues as I've worked/been treated for/had therapy and emotional regulation skills for mine. We'll see if he will. He's not happy about the stigma and very successful in his job. He feels the problem is "managing expectations." I could cry or laugh (depending) about that one - we can't do that until he has reasonable expectations of himself, which he doesn't and can't until he accepts his condition. All I know is as a stepmom of two and a second wife, my blended family situation offers enough of an "out of control" feeling; I don't need the constant unpredictability of his condition on top of it. He'll tell me we're seeing my stepdaughter at one time, and the next minute it changes - all due to what my stepdaughter prefers and now, I see, due to his impulse in that moment. Thanks for letting me share. As you can see I have a lot on my mind.
We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
~Francois duc de la Rochefoucauld
LeeAnonymou on the right track
As strange as this sounds, I think you are on the right track. You were very clear about the boundary that you set - fidelity or leave - and he couldn't do it. You are in control of your own life at this point - and can decide what to do next. You'll know what keeps you, as a person, most intact.
Update
As the ADHD spouse, I read your postings with much interest. For the most part it enabled me to see some of my patterns and just how hurtful/dysfunctional/immoral/bizarre/childish they really are. Six years before being diagnosed with ADHD_I was diagnosed earlier this year- I entered the 12 Step Program of AA. There are many people in the rooms of AA that have ADHD. The three questions I could never answer when I was active in my drinking were: Where were you? What were you doing? and, Who were you with? With seven years of sobriety and 10 months of great treatment for ADHD, I can tell you that recovering my life and my person from the grips of ADHD has been very difficult. It is made more so because ADHD is my problem and I must do the things I need to to live in the world.
While you may be fearful given the ensuing change in your life when you asked your husband to leave, it is far better for you, and him, to stop the insane patterns of your lives. Trust me, they will continue until he gets to the point where true remorse is connecterd to his actions. Personally, I had that awakening and lived through the most difficult month of my life this past September. Standing on the brink of loosing everything, realizing for the first time that it-marriage, relationship, family-is the most important thing in your life, and you are truly the responsible one fofr beating it into the ground is about as low as I have ever been in my life. Connecting with that loss was motivation for me to change. No more passwords on my cell phone. No more coming home later than 7pm, no more being generally unreachable. No more texting while I am home. There is a great Latin phrase that translates into "To be, rather than to appear".
Everthing you have alluded to or said in your post, I am afraid I have done. Every feeling you describe, I have seen in my wife. I often said that a sane person would have left me years ago. I can jump onto the "its not me, it's the ADHD" mode. But, while maybe some of the actions were not my fault, due to the ADHD, they were all still my responsibility.
The lonliness I have visited upon myself is disturbing. The desire to "go out" and justify it with the "you dont pay attention to me" is a monster that I have difficulty keeping at bay. the stimulation would be great. I told a friend, who wouldnt like to be with someone that thinks you're Mr. Wonderful; Who in the basest sense doesnt get a rush when they go to the Gentlemen's clubs, etc. These are all natural instincts-love, desire, sex-that I have taken to their impulsive extreme at one time or another. It's easy to do when you can't connect with the consequenses. But after months of medication and effective Behavior Therapy, one does connect. And when you get hit with the backlog of remorse and awareness, the emotional pain is very intense.
Today, my wife carries with her the anger borne from the pain of our past. I understand. I get it. However, I told her that while she has all the reason in the world to hold onto it, I can no longer remain alone in our marriage. It would be easier to deal with all the issues if we were apart. There is nothing lonlier than being alone in a marriage. I am sure my wife has felt that way for many years, and now that I am changing and understanding just what this malady has done to us both over the long term I can grasp just how saad it is.
I hope that you reach a point in your life where you feel safe, happy and secure. And hope that you can tyake the time to undo the pain that you have experienced. I want the same for my wife and hope that when she does, she can still find them with me.
It hurts and its sad, I know. Unfortunately, my wife was never able to get me to see my imperfections, faults and ultimately my ADHD though she tried. There are some things, like alcoholism and_as I am learning, ADHD-that vcan only be understood by another with the same infermity. But, I believe you can still be happy in your marriage, but it will require much work until your husbands actions stop. you set the boundries. Yopu need to be safe. Just dont expect him to agree with you. I hope you find peace.
add spouse
I have recently found myself overwhelmed with the knowledge of how my ADD has effected my marriage. My husband of 12 years has made 'requests for me to get help' many times throughout our marriage, honestly I never understood why. (I was diagnosed with ADD 5 years ago - for academic reasons, not aware of the social ramifications) Unfortunately November 15th my husband told me that he could no longer 'do this'. Not understanding what he meant, or possibly not wanting to - I asked for him to go to a marraige counsellor with me. He agreed and this is when my world crashed down around me. The man that I have loved with all my heart wants a separation. Days after this devastating news - the awareness of the pain I have caused my husband was overwhelming. I felt dead inside. How could I have treated this supportive, loving, beautiful man so very poorly.
Since that day I have found a Psychiatrist that specializes in Adult ADD and I am on new meds, and will begin weekly treatment. My husband has met with my Dr. in a supportive role. My Dr requested that we attend a Marraige counselor - to make sure that this decision is the correct one. He advised us that we need to be certain that we have tried everything before we end our marriage. I am excited to go and visit with the counselor - my concern is that my husband has told me that he does not want ADD in his life, he does not want to be married, he is no longer in love with me - he loves me and cares for me - but only wants me as a friend. He is willing to attend the counselor - he is open to see if there is something salvagable or not. If there is something to work on he is willing to work on it. When I have asked to attend a marriage counselor he was not willing to comply with this request for the above stated reasons. Will counseling work? I ask this question because of his lack of desire to attend prior to the visit with my Dr - and for the reasons he has stated to me during these last couple of months.