When I work with couples impacted by ADHD I often see an unintentional bias towards using the label of ADHD as a negative descriptor, rather than as a medical term that enables treatment and describes a particular way of being. This negative labeling - used by both partners - hurts relationships. as it may lead to blaming the ADHD partner for ALL relationships issues, while providing too easy an out for non-ADHD partners who also play a role in relationship issues.
ADHD partners are often quite sensitive to the use of the label of ADHD as a result. This is easy to understand, and I've written a recent post on the topic at psychologytoday.com which I urge you to read. But more importantly for this adhdmarriage blog, what can you do to lessen the potential damage of stereotyping and labeling in your ADHD-impacted relationship besides the obvious - not using the label for anything beyond a medical descriptor?
Let me tackle that here with three immediately actionable ideas:
Be aware that every person has the right to change his or her mind. Try not to critique ADHD partners who do so, or feel that they are untrustworthy. If you are the ADHD partner, be open about why you changed your mind...and honest with yourself. If you 'just didn't get around to it' or ran out of time, then the decision to do something differently isn't about changing your mind, it's about an ADHD symptom that isn't managed as well as it could be. Look at what happened and learn from patterns you see. Take action to become more reliable.
Challenge all ADHD stereotypes with knowledge about ADHD from reputable sources. Yes, there are symptoms that describe the condition that probably mean someone with ADHD will make more than his or her fair share of mistakes. But not completing something does not need to translate into 'you are stupid or lazy'. It could me you have trouble staying on task. Learn what others with ADHD have done to deal with that particular symptomatic behavior. If you are a non-ADHD partner, exercise flexibility and patience as your partner searches for coping strategies that work.
Engage! Adults with ADHD cannot easily fight these stereotypes unless they actively try to manage their ADHD. You probably won't get things to be perfect, but just the act of genuinely applying oneself to address ADHD is enough for most non-ADHD partners. You will make progress, and your effort to do so tells your partner you care. Engaging means treating ADHD and its impact on your relationship very seriously. It DOES make a difference...and you can, too, by acknowledging this and doing all you can to improve your own ADHD-impacted actions.
The Negatives of ADHD
I can hear non-ADHD partners groaning as I write this, saying something like "but the ADHD symptoms really ARE negative! It IS a negative label!" Yes, ADHD has a serious, and often negative impact in the lives of couples. But my point is simply this - creating a stereotyped label that only looks at the negatives of ADHD does not do justice to the adult who has it - there is much more to that person than just the fact that s/he has ADHD. If the ADHD adult buys into the negative label then s/he can lose hope. If that adult fights the negativity of the label by denying ADHD can be a major problem, then active treatment is ignored. So focusing on the label and the symptoms of ADHD may be expedient, but it hurts in many ways...it obscures the good of the person who has it. The person who is caring, thoughtful, creative, energetic...or whatever those characteristics are OTHER than ADHD that you love. Too much "ADHD" focus and you lose touch with the positive. This is why I encourage couples to try to do fun and challenging things together - everyone needs to be reminded of the positive to counteract their troubles.
- MelissaOrlov's blog
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I have been labeled by my boyfriend and feel demonized
Our relationship is sunk. It seems my "ADHD" is wreaking havoc and I don't see it according to my boyfriend. He has ADHD, I have ADD.
Two years of hard work and all I get is a boyfriend who is pissed at me every day and wants me to change. I'm extremely sad, heart broken.
He blames all our issues on me now...even his physical problems. I'm just crushed. He has no empathy. Just anger. i'm supposed to agree with him.
He's a perfectionist, I'm not. I can't win. If I could change myself I would. I am the last person to like this disorder. The best I can do is leave so he can be free from me.
Taking Responsibilty Can Work Both Ways
ADDNOTADHD.....As Melissa pointed out....non ADHD spouses will groan when they hear this....but in light of what you were saying and only seeing the negatives about either one of you and having ADHD/ADD...this is the place to tell you how I see having ADHD and the positive sides of it. This doesn't get mentioned much and I have refrained from doing this before (for all good reasons)...here's what I think about having ADHD.
I wouldn't trade it for all the Tea in China. It makes me who I am....and it's just as awesome for me...as it is negative for anyone else viewing it from the outside looking at it that way. The abilities I have because of it are an endless list of things that I would never want to give up or go without. If that were to happen...I'd be a different person entirely.
Hyperfocus is Awesome!!!!! What a gift. To be able to completely and entirely focus on something at the complete exclusion of everything else is ....as I see it and understand it....not something that most can do on demand or when needed to do something. The things I have accomplished and been able to do which are all wonderful things and I am very proud of in having done them....would never have happened if it weren't for my ability to hyperfocus. Actually...the next step from that is Laser Focus and this is where things get really fun and interesting. I think many people can hyperfocus even without ADHD...but Laser Focus....look out!!! I can leave others in the dust with the abilities and potential this brings me since I have not seen many who can do this on demand in the moment when ever I need it. It's like having a Super Charger on board and when I hit that switch and go from Turbo to Super Charged Laser Focus...I'm like Super Man on steroids and to compete with me in anything I put my mind to will make it difficult for most to do. If I turn that same energy to my wife and our relationship....it will reaped and has reaped untold benefits that makes this a Super cool thing to be able to bring to my relationship.
This has allowed me to think on my feet and not bring fear into the picture. I will never fail at anything that I put my mind to if I can harness this energy and use it for good use and there never seems to be a shortage of energy to go along with it. When I see others start to fade...is usually when I'm just coming on and coming into my own and that's when I really can shine and push forward far beyond that I see others who are ready to quit and give up. The stamina and endurance that this gives me...make me a fearsome competitor...an asset in business...and a wonder in my relationships when I use this power appropriately. All my spontaneity and energy in order to do this comes from having ADHD and without it...I would be just like everyone else. I never would have accomplished all that I have...without the abilities that this has given me and I feel blessed and thankful for all that it has brought to my life that I feel would never have happened if it weren't for these amazing abilities that come directly from having ADHD and the ability to Laser Focus. My greatest strengths come from others can only see as my greatest liabilities. When it comes to having fun and doing positive things with my wife for example.....I'm the best person to have along on any adventure and am always up to the task at a moments notice. I have more energy, drive and passion to do most anything like this...than anyone I know.
In fact....I know no one in my life that I have met personally...that has more talents and skills due directly to having ADHD....than anyone I have ever met. I know lots of people who can do one thing or the other....but no one that can do everything I can do..and do it well on top of it. I am a Jack of All Trades...and a Master of Some and I have ADHD to thank for this. I wouldn't give it up for the world since...it would be like giving up my entire world if that were even possible which given the choice....I would choose having ADHD and remain the person that I am.
J
Is the problem ADHD stereotyping?
You didn't list any labels...labeling is such a bad deal, no matter who does it to whom.
Instead of labels you listed things that he does: blaming what are, or you understand are, shared issues on you. That's a fail on his part, if they're shared issues. That means shared need for work on them. I trust that you're not blaming shared issues on him (mirroring him, from your side).
You said that he's pissed everyday. That's his problem. You are responsible for your anger. He's responsible for his. It's juvenile (although yes people do it all the time) to accuse someone else of "making" them angry. You didn't mention anything about your anger, so I don't know whether or not you two are in a cycle of anger with each other or not (no matter who starts it). If the anger issues are only that he gets pissed every day, he's got a problem with his anger. Speaking as a non living with someone with ADHD, it's not easy for me and I dont have it solved yet, how to deal with my own feelings when I get yelled at, talked over, interrupted, or feel used...I do have emotional reactions to these moments, even if I know with my head that a good piece of them very often come from my partner's ADHD. I'm just wanting to say again that if he's angry all the time, and we do have reports of partners who have anger problems, likely you have some emotional work to do yourself, and your emotional work isn't his fault, it's your responsibility. Just like his habit of being pissed at things daily is definitely his to deal with....nobody "makes" someone else angry. Melissa Orlov, the owner of the site and a therapist, will have some things for you to read about anger and ADHD.
He wants you to change. What he wants you to do you don't spell out to us, nor do you mention whether you think you ought to, or can, or don't need to change that. So you left out some key info here, that really is personal between the two of you.
I had an appointment with a young woman today who has been married 20 years and has a couple kids. She wanted to talk about how she and her husband get along and how, while still being young, but having lived together for quite awhile, they deal with what bugs each one about the other. Intimate relations, in my opinion, REQUIRE some change on both people's parts. If someone wants never to change anything about themselves because someone else has a need or wish related to it, they ought not to get in intimate relations, and ought to get a cat or a dog.
What in each person needs changing for a relation to be a good one needs to get evaluated, but for someone to think that they can sail through an intimate relation not budging on changing is not having an intimate relationship. The young woman I saw today said that as far as she could tell, the need to accept, change and adapt was there every single day. Every day, she said.
Some wishes that a partner has that the other one change are unrealistic and never will happen. Good luck with the details of change or no change, since the two of you share ADD and ADHD. Of course you need to respect him for who he is, and he needs to respect and accept you for who you are. But that doesn't take care of all the needed compromises and change.
He's a perfectionist. You're not. So he is who he is, and no you can't be who he is. Sounds like not only he will need to accept you as you are, but you will need to do the same for him. There's no reason for him to be like you.
All of that said, ADDNOTADHD, I wish you very well. Like J encourages, trust what you know is your core self. In any event, with anyone, your BF or anyone else. It's fine to be who you are.
I'm sorry that you're getting a lot of blaming coming your way. Blaming never helps.
Boyfriend Troubles
Hi, ADDNOTADHD - you don't mention (at least here) a lot of details, but it sounds as if you and your boyfriend are falling into some classic patterns - he, as the more 'organized' spouse - is telling you what to do (acting like a bad parent) and you feel resentful (and small?) If you haven't done so yet, you might consider listening to my first book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage as it outlines patterns like these (audiobook can be found on the home page, paperback at Amazon etc). The bottom line is that the work that needs to be done in the relationship is work that helps the two of you learn to negotiate your differences, not work where you have to fit into his mold. You can't, and shouldn't, become someone he chooses you should be. Rather, each of you needs to take responsibility for learning how to share your ideas in a constructive way. That means HE needs to talk about himself and his feelings and his own issues, not boss you around!
Which is not to say that you both don't have work to do on your ADHD. I'm guessing you have issues with follow through and keeping things neat, etc. and that he has issues with emotional lability (over-reactiveness which is part of ADHD for most).
It's pretty common that discouraged partners get really, really angry...but his yelling is a temporary release that doesn't address the underlying issue - that the two of you are not communicating your own needs to the other in an effective that helps each of you figure out what you can or should do to 'meet in the middle' and (just as importantly) what you shouldn't be doing, as well.
Here are some other resources that might help you: my online treatment guide, which is free and can help you figure out if you are managing your own ADD effectively (make sure to download the two free chapters on treatment that is found there); my couples seminar (next live session is in October, which is the one to take if you have anger issues in your relationship); therapists who understand ADHD (and coaches) at the referrals page...
I'm not trying to sell you something, BTW. But your issues are the classic issues that many, many couples face and over the years I have created resources to try to help people who have them.
Good luck with figuring out your direction. And, a final piece of advice, if you aren't committed in your relationship yet, and you find that it is unhealthy and makes you feel small, rather than enlarging your life, then you should seriously ask yourself if this is 'the one' for you.
ADHD was not used as a medical term in the past, adjective maybe
i think ADHD as a descriptor fell in the cracks somewhere between a medical diagnosis and a label thrown at someone who had symptoms not completely understood.
School systems and their counsel played a big roll in this. My friend is a Special Ed coordinator and talks of how in the past it was so easy just to get a misbehaving kid labeled ADHD and get them on Meds that made them tolerable.
This has become a practice of the past in her system but I'm sure still exist. But this made the term seem less professionally diagnosed therefore less of a medical term describing a psychological problem/ diagnosis. It was thrown around more like an adjective than a medical term.
It's a possibility!
ADHD, depression bi-P,
Good luck to all those fellows afflicted with something that is difficult or impossible to get others to understand.
freely admitting ADHD...an overlooked blessing
Fellow attention lackers , lol. ,
i have found a great weight lifted off my shoulders when I just accepted it. Reading and studying the diagnosis and coming to grips that this is totally describing me was the best thing I could have ever done towards dealing with it I am completely comfortable admitting to anyone, even strangers the I have ADHD
If I say something inappropriate to a stranger I apologize and just say sorry, it's an ADHD thing I'm working on.
this helps in unimaginable ways!
It's a possibility!
ADHD, depression bi-P,
Good luck to all those fellows afflicted with something that is difficult or impossible to get others to understand.
Attraction
Power struggles--are natural....Harville Hendrix said in Marriage a Path to Wholeness (m y interpretation)that love is getting exactly what you don't want from the other but what you need most to be whole. It is a great cosmic riddle; and, in almost 30 years of partnering life continues to be a blessing. It is very difficult as my beloved and I are opposites in so many areas, but I also have this inner knowing that I'm growing more and more into the person I truly am, as false programs for happiness learned as a child are being seen thru her mirror and being (pruned) and released. Life continues to be fresh, challenging, and rewarding in unimaginable ways. And, the edges of staying together are seen in our mutual commitment to be whole. We also have good couple friends that love us both, like minded spiritual values....and laughter. Perfectionism is, as a friend said to me (a social worker) that constantly being the best is trying to be a saint (it's next to impossible to keep up with these press releases...expectations). Good luck; may you both enjoy and (while sometimes not) divine ambiguities that are the source of this attraction!
MarriageBselfish4Wholeness
Adjectives.....medical and or pressure and anxieties
Good point; I was given an article that tracked consistently the 22.5 percent increase in ADHD diagnosis to Race to the Top measures implemented state by state (believe it was in Luther magazine?). Is this being seen as a medical condition, an adjective, and/or as Peter Levine describes (see ADHD link on U-tube) as how the present school environment causes increased anxieties for kids in schools? These are significant issues.
MarriageBselfish4Wholeness
I Agree ......tcrane
The environment or the context there of...has everything to do with it. The way the school system is still operating under...is the same approach or method that existed 100 years ago when the first public school system was developed. Is it the problem that the kids don't fit the system? Or is the system doesn't fit the kids? If the system...in relationship to the individual or the tests in which they are designed....what are these test testing for for I might add...and what are the means in which the test takers are provided for in order to get the results you want? What's changed in the last 2,000 years? People...or the system in which people live? In the sense that the system is designed to meet the needs of the teacher, faculty and administrator first by design....it neglects to consider the students within the system...if the system itself is broken?
I've read where this concept of "no child left behind" along with the idea or concept of PC...has had a backfiring effect on kids when every kid gets a prize or reward and the prize or accomplishment of "winning" and 'losing" falls to the way side. Humans are by design....designed to strive to reach a goal and the reward is in the accomplishment and reward of working hard and then finally reaching your goal? If everyone wins....then there are no losers but there is a non tangible negative effect for the winners....when no one wins so why put in the effort? Any rewards handed out unilaterally without a connection to the effort put in....creates apathy and is de-motivating with no real apart benefit connected to working hard and trying? This is in response to the flip side of anxiety of never being able to reach the goal if the goal is out of reach for some...and not others?
But at what cost is this to the system itself? None? In either case....what appears to be a lose /win win /lose scenario in either case.....then what does that say about the system itself and who is going to change that? The people within the system that supports them who makes these decisions...or those outside the system that have no power to change it? Change is the only consistent component that you have no control of so having this bi-partisan system within the system seems to be the only real thing that never changes at all? What was Okay yesterday...is not Okay today but people haven't changed all that much...along with the same behaviors that go with them?
Black and white thinking has been around for thousands of years....you'd think that people would learn to do things differently after that much time here on earth?
J
Nature Abhores a Vaccum.....tcrane
ditto.
J
STEMs and too many fallen branches
In my 18 years experience in a major school district, with a huge school of choice emphasis, is that the school district, state board of educations, race to the top competitions focus on STEM (Math and Science) skills as the major priority. While this has been in response to our nations falling behind in these skill sets, which certainly is important, the black and white thinking which drives AP classes in school cultures and many college admissions leaves out the 'out of the box' ("entrepreneurial") thinker in the dialogue; so, not only are those with ADHD, but applied thinkers and learners not receiving the attention and the stimulation they need. This is particularly sad for those youngsters that don't have sports, and activities of substance that bolster their self-esteem while they await finding that class, that internship, or school activity that sparks their interest enough to persevere successfully.
Standards are critical. And, is there any wonder we have so many brilliant graduates without an understanding of the marketable skills needed are saddled with huge loans? Internships and career inventories (the later which we actually do very well in our state) require more staffing because high school counselors have a massive caseload (400:1) in my state; so, key advisement which builds sparks with a student whose brilliant and needs some connection with the 'real world' outside is lacking in the school environment. Creative partnerships and work study type programs are needed for all kids not just special needs kids. Far too many kids who could be jump started or sparked fall dangerously behind. Career pathways that offer internships or bridges to career give the kids the opportunity to re-enter the game rather than feeling out of sync and broken down in their confidence.
Also, we desperately need a policy that gives those entering jobs with low incomes to have leniency on school loan repayment rates, not free college. What can be so hard about saying that, if you stay in (let's say) in the field of front line social work for 5 years (with incomes such and such), you'll get 1 percent taken off your loan interest, 10 years 2% (other). If retirement systems can find a formula for those with social security and a different pension program, why can't we come up with a formula and means to re-capture this huge pool of potential genius that simply needs a revision within a different context (in the outside world). Community colleges can play a huge part in this process.
MarriageBselfish4Wholeness