Have you ever gotten flooded during an interaction with your partner when you felt so overwhelmed that you couldn’t seem to see straight? It can happen when it seems like the same material is coming up in an argument that you’ve been over and over again and again and you just can’t handle it any more. You know you should disengage, but somehow when you get to this point, it just seems impossible. Everything seems out of control. This is flooding. Flooding is defined as:
“…a physiological response we have when we feel in danger or become extremely emotional. The parts of the brain needed to fight back are flooded with oxygen for better performance. Unfortunately, these are taken from the parts of the brain that deal with logical thinking. When you are flooded you might sense you shouldn’t keep fighting, but you can’t seem to get the logical part of your brain to actually get you to stop. It’s not fully functioning.”+
Flooding seems to happen in a lot of ADHD couple’s arguments. The executive function (particularly after meds have worn off), is not working, and so logic and rational thought are not in charge.
Therefore, it is so important that before you get to this point in the argument, the more reasonable part of you takes over, and that’s the time for a verbal cue. How do you know when to jump in with a verbal cue? It takes a certain amount of consciousness, and the recognition of what the physical signs are in your body that signal that an argument is coming. Your heart starts beating faster. The tension starts in your neck and shoulders. Your hands might start balling into fists, your body might overall become more rigid, as does your jaw, your voice begins to raise. Each one of us has different physical signs, but we all have them. It is important to know what yours are.
As soon as you notice yourself beginning to go there, you might also notice that your thoughts turn to blame and judgment of your partner. You get yourself into an attack mode. It is at this point, as difficult as it might be, that you need to pull out your trusty verbal cue. And the verbal cue might sound something like this,”
“I think we should take a break. I’m thinking this isn’t going to a good place.” Or
“I need a time out. I don’t like what’s going through my head right now.”
Or whatever you need to say to stop the action. And it’s important that you and your partner have decided that this is something you would do if the tensions got too high so that there’s no great surprise when you use the verbal cue, and you both know what to do at that point…to take a break in the action.
Verbal cues can have other uses as well, but for now, let’s just say that as a way to calm down instead of having an all-out fight, they can really come in handy. And don’t feel like you’re the weak one if you jump in to use it. It shows a lot of strength to stop an argument before it gets out of hand. So know that you have done the right thing, and know that you can come back and figure out what the break down was, and hopefully find a way to navigate around your differences, and get back on positive ground.
To use a verbal cue:
- Be sure you’ve agreed to its use in advance
- What the cue is (words and actions)
- What it means
- What the response will be
Used in the appropriate way, it can be a very effective tool.
+From The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD, p.111.
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Comments
Flooding leads to hours apart....
Hello :). I am a non-ADHD partner feeling I am living in hell most of the time. I met my partner 4 years ago while taking a class, we were both in school to obtain our degrees in ECE. We did a group project around people living with ADD/ADHD and she loved that I got it. Typical story...hyper focused on me for an intense but short time....I thought I had found the best thing ever and won the lottery! This would be my second marriage after a long and miserable 18 year marriage and though I had found the one! Many health issues on her part and the constent chaos led to horrible misunderstandings and reactions that built a false image of each other....particularly of me. 2 years in I stood my ground and said she needed to address her ADHD or nothing would improve. At the time she was 42 and had never taken anything for the Adhd other then self-medicating in destructive ways. After much opposition from her, her friends and her family she finally saw a doctor and got on Straterra. But that is where it ended. No Counsling or regular doctor visits to check in about dosing amounts, etc. if I even suggest she might be under treated or under medicated I become the bad guy who doesn't love her just as she is and always wants her to change! And no way would she allow me to go to the doctor appointments with her because then she says we are in a "co-dependent relationship"....I believe that his her friends advice and opinions talking. So around the issue of the blog. When we have an argument or disagreement it almost always turns into a full blown out fight!!! And fighting fair is not even a possibility. Every negative thought she ever had, every insecurity I have had or currently have, everything she knows will hurt me if said....she pulls it all out until I am so hurt and crumbled on the floor. Most of our fights turn into me defending her misconstrued perception of me as I try to get back to the issue at hand. She is really good at saying we need to walk away from each other or this is going to get ugly. I have a hard time doing that because what that means is we won't talk to each other for hours...sometimes days and never ever get back to the issue at hand, in which case it just comes up again and again! As well, when this happens she shuts down and chooses to play xbox (something she overly enjoys doing). And this just adds to the frustration on my part because I feel she is benefiting from our fight. Sometimes I feel she sees an opportunity for a fight...makes it bigger then it needs to be just so she can say we need time apart before it gets ugly and then she can justify playing xbox all day or for days on end while sit and stew waiting to be able to come together, clear up the mess, and enjoy time together again. I understand the need for a time out or break from each other....... It how long is too long? When a fight can break out in less then 10 minutes....explode at the speed of light....and then we can't talk to each other or be together for an entire day or days, what am I suppose to do? At that moment I am hurting something Ofel. Not just from what was said and did, but because it took away our joy of being together and more then likely the plans we had together. And it is not that I can't find something I enjoy to do and go do it on my own.....it is that I do that 90% of the time as we find ourselves in this situation about every 2-3weeks!! In the month of July alone, I have checked out a cute little town we both said we wanted to do together, gone to the beach twice by myself, spent a day at the river by myself, checked out a wild life refuge by myself, met with friends ..by myself...all activities we had talked about doing together (in our happier moments) but I ended up doing a lone either because of xbox or an argument/fight and "she needed time away from me or felt I needed time away from her. I know you don't know me, and could easily assume I am an incessant talker or nagger. But I am not. I am a peaceful person who easily balances others ideas and opinions and incorporates them into my needs and wants. I am an easy travelor and fun to be with. I can give someone the space they need, but how much is too much when it affects the enjoyment of being in a partnership? How will we ever talk about and fix the issues if we just ignore each other waiting for them to pass or for another issue to take its place? And then 2 or 3 days later she has totally forgotten the intense hurt feelings behind it and is ready to move on and I am still stuck in that place never getting any closure. Then she complains that I can't just let go of things and have to just continue the fight. I can't just pretend it didn't happen and she didn't ruin something I was looking forward to and didn't say the things she said. We end up just being distant and un trusting of each other. And with each instance I just give up more and more and more! I hope I get a reply. Often I post on here and hear nothing back. If someone, anyone, reads this I appreciate any comments or words of advice.
Additional info...
We are a same sex couple. Both women. So this is coming from a female perspective...not a tough hardened man...if you know what I mean :). I am more the fem/soft butch one and she more the masculine yet very nurturing one. Sometimes it helps to know this when responding and reading the post :)
Some thoughts
Hope to peace,
I hear how concerned you are that the fights you are having with your partner end up lasting for hours and days, and how frustrating it is when she gets on her xbox and it sounds like she gets hyperfocused.
First of all, it is very unfortunate that she is not willing to take her treatment any further than she has and that she isn't willing to talk about it. But I can appreciate that if doing so only leads to more fighting then it doesn't pay to push the issue. Secondly, it is important to know that 70% of arguments do not come to any kind of real resolution. So, it's really best to have a discussion when things are peaceful where you do agree to not let things escalate, and you make some kind of agreement, if possible, to come back together when you do argue, within a certain period of time (let's say an hour), and do your best to understand what the hurt or pain is underneath the anger. The truth is that anger is a superficial emotion, and it's usually covering up something else like hurt, disappointment, or sadness, and if possible, it's always better to get to what the real feeling is. Unfortunately, people with ADHD can be more prone to anger than non-ADHDers, just by virtue of how their brains work. But often, their anger can be short-lived, and when it's over, they can quickly let it go and move on. I know this may not be easy for you, but, on the other hand, that quick recovery can be looked at from a positive point of view as well. They rarely carry grudges. Note I said rarely, not never.
I know in my marriage, I had to come to a point where I made a decision that I was going to do my best to not let myself get too angry. It took a lot of effort at first to have that much self-control. But I didn't like the person I had become, and I know my anger was perpetuating whatever the problem was that we were having at the time. So I decided that I was going to be less reactionary and I made an internal decision to do my best to keep the peace, if at all possible. I have to admit, I haven't been perfect at it. I can be a fiery redhead sometimes (that's no real excuse, I know), but since I made that decision, things are a lot more peaceful, and now when I get triggered, I wait for a bit, until I'm calmer, and then I speak to my husband from a calmer place about what is bothering me.
Again, it is important to talk about these kinds of things when you are both feeling pretty good so that you don't get caught off guard in the heat of the moment. Let your partner know that the fighting takes a lot out of you, and you really want to work on bringing more calm into your home. Ask her if she's willing to be on board with that. Then do your best to take the time outs when they are called for but put time limits on them so you don't end up resenting her xbox. Then do your best to chill out during your time out without any expectations for how she will spend her time out. Playing xbox probably calms her. You might want to find something that does that for you. When you get back together, do your best to be understanding that you are different, and therefore your reactions to these situations are going to be different. Hold the intention for peace.
I wish you the best.
Nancie Kohlenberger, LMFT, Marriage Consultant
www.TransformURLife.com
Co-Author of The Couple's Guide for Thriving with ADHD
Thank you for your reply :).
Thank you for your reply :). It is a very very sad thing that she can't get past her......what? Pride, fear, ego, addict....what? ....to see that continued, further more in depth treatment would go a long way to improving the many issues that continue to haunt so much of our life together and her aspirations. It is sad indeed that the people who call themselves her friends don't take the time to understand this condition and so give advice and support that is anything but helpful and in many ways is more detrimental. Telling her we are in a co-dependent relationship! All that does is drive a wedge between us so that we aren't in this together and she doesn't have to see what the symptoms are doing to something that could be a real shinning success story. Telling her she is allowed to do what makes her happy and if I don't like her playing hours of xbox then that is my problem alone and we must not be compatable. They don't see and hear her say how uncomfortable it makes her that something she enjoys doing becomes such an addiction to her, that she can't stop and that draw stops her from living the well rounded life she does want to live. I am not putting words in her mouth....she says this to me in her more even moments. Shopping is another addiction, and the other day she confided in me how it takes all her might each and every day to not buy something (or a couple dozen something's). Stress surely makes her coping even more challenging, and not only are we being faced with possibly loosing our home and business...but she has an EX that is always making life uncomfortable and challenging for her and making their son (age 7) highest and top for front immediate and urgent priority!! Every week! I pull away so much because I see what she deals with and then this, what ever we are, just goes no where. It doesn't seem to matter that I even try to work on our/this issue because she isn't present with me anyways. We love as strangers, run a business together as advisarys and yet, on a soulful level, are truley compatable and completely in love. It is the outside forces that destroy any chance of true happiness for more then 2-3 days at a time.
i do try to talk with her about this. And at times we are in a good space and can have a real connecting discussion, even with an action plan! But then she forgets and something else becomes important and the pure existence of me following through or reminder her becomes an affront. Becomes me just wanting to change who she is. I know I am not suppose to self dingoes, but I swear she has ODD as well and it really the ODD that causes the most damage and stops any progress. Then.....ha ha....then....she sees her son and thinks he loves me just the way I am! I will stay healthy for him, not all those other people who just want to boss me and control me. So then the love she feels is for him, not me. When I am the one that loves her truley and purely and not only stays despite the challenges but aches for the lost opportunities and continues to seek help. Despite her throwing her love for him in my face! I am the true friend and true love, because I stay and deal. Is that horrible to say?
life is not going to get less stressful and learning to balance the joy and the stress, not just on her terms......will that happen all on its own? Should I start seeing a therapist who specializes in ADHD (even though I don't have it) even if she won't go? Is that being co-dependent? Will they be able to give me any help even if she won't go or participate in the assignments/suggestions they give me? If she gets mad that I am going to a therapist without her (especially one that specializes in ADHD) what do I say? I need something to hang onto.....I need some plan. I am not w whiner who just sits in the shit and lives the same crap month after month and year after year! I don't want to be one of those wives on this sight that complain that 32 years later the same thing is happening and I just have learned to "deal"! Do you know that feeling, that leaving doesn't feel right either? And I am just stuck not being able to move....can't go right and can't go left....and just frozen, numb, and quiet? I need help!
Hope to peace,
Hope to peace,
I appreciate that you don't want to be someone who stays in a relationship for x number of years, and just complains about it without being able to take some real action. It is important, though, to keep in mind that we cannot change someone who does not want to change. Sounds like your partner is not feeling unhappy enough with her state of being to make changes right now. And I hear that she has a lot of situations and people around her that might be considered stressors. Unfortunately, her hyperfocus on her xbox, and her compulsive shopping are two common issues that arise with ADHD, particularly when it is not well managed.
It is important to not tune in too much on what others say. They don't live with the situation you are in day to day. Therefore, their critique of how you handle your relationship has no bearing on your truth. Only you know what happens behind closed doors. Only you experience the disappointment and hurt firsthand. So, I recommend that you take what others say with a grain of salt, and don't get too caught up in their feedback, unless you feel it has some validity.
As far as her son is concerned, she does need to make him a priority in her life. He is her child, and he needs a mother. I hope she truly loves him and can have some kind of good influence on him. When he is physically in her life, unfortunately it is appropriate for you to take a back seat. Hopefully, you get along with him and can share some good times with the two of them. I hear that she doesn't handle balancing the two of you together very well. This is something you might want to talk to her about. That you respect that he is her son, and she needs to spend time with him, but he shouldn't be used as a pawn in any of her relationships.
I do hear a need on your part to get some outside help. I think this is very appropriate. A counselor who understands ADHD would be a very good idea so that you have someone to bounce things off of that knows what you are dealing with. I don't think that is at all co-dependent. It is just wise decision making. Hopefully, the counselor would also be able to support you in finding yourself in all of this so that you can really come to understand what are the best steps for you to take to take good care of yourself. If you like, you can check out my website at www.transformurlife.com. Dependent on where you live, I do counseling by phone or Skype. I would certainly understand if you chose to work with someone local to you, but if you like, I'd be happy to talk to you about it. It is unfortunate that she does not want to do it with you. It would be unfortunate if she would object to you doing it to take care of yourself. I think that is a really valuable step in you moving forward in your own personal healing.
I wish you the best.
Nancie Kohlenberger, LMFT, Marriage Consultant
www.TransformURLife.com
Co-Author of The Couple's Guide for Thriving with ADHD
Thank you, Nancie, for your
Thank you, Nancie, for your guidance and response. I do understand about her son as I have an 18 and 22 year old myself as well am a professional in the field of Child and Family Studies. It is a shame she is under medicated and under treated as I witness so many issues playing out over and over again and can see solutions that would move her/us forward and help to create a less chaotic life. Stressors and outside forces that create problems that then affect my life or I have to deal with in order to have a pleasant existence myself. It isn't about me being co-dependent or not taking care of me. When she takes too much of her meds that are suppose to help her stay clean, because they help her to deal with the stress in her life (and the accompanying anxiety) and then she doesn't have enough to make it through the month and has to lie to her doctor and we have to pay out of pocket...which means I can't buy those concert tickets, make the vacation reservations, or help my own children out.....then it really does affect my level of happiness and has nothing to do with co-dependency. When she has 3 months left on the med and then will no longer qualify and is suppose to be working at getting off it.....but too many stressors are making that difficult...I feel I do have a say I. The stressors she allows into her/our life and can't just barry my head in the sand or go about MY life saying not my circus not my monkey! And when it affects our connection, our sex life, our joy in following though with future plans.....and we run a business together so it affects the business success......it isn't fair what I get called when I say enough is enough! And I don't listen to her so called friends.....she does! They comment on their narrowed point of view and their experience and call me controlling, manipulative, nagging, co-dependent, insecure, and tell her she is whiped......"just letting Heidi whip you into place". When I see my only options are staying in this chaos or leaving everything....my happiness is affected! She did comment a few weeks ago that she didn't think her adhd meds were working very well anymore and forms brief moment there was discussion of looking into that.....but then in swoops the outter distractions, demands, and requests of her full on attention. And I/ our lif.......slips into the back ground. It is a shame she is under treated and under medicated and possibly under diagnosed because it is just a hamster on a hamster wheel....never getting any better yet knowing she wants to and feeling angry and defensive she can't. And I am the one who sees it all...sees her obsessing over a runny nose to the point she can't work, not sleeping at night and slipping into sleeping during the day, not being able to follow through with her plans and goals, and living life like a ball in a pinball machine.......all the while forgetting she wanted to make an appointment with a doctor to see about her adhd meds. It is frustrating and disheartening and I just want to yell at everyone she comes in contact with back the fuck off!! Leave us alone so I can help her get better and then she can better deal with all of you! I appreciate your offer of counsling and will consider that and look into it. The heart breaking part, is I am falling out of love with her....I can't predict from moment to moment who it is I am loving or choosing to spend my life with. I am finding myself happier with out her and really missing the women I fell in love with. And I am having a real hard time seeing I that women when I am with her. I am almost positive she really does exist under layers of work-able issues.....and that really is the sad part. We have a week off now and so this week should be better as she can sleep in and not have so many distractions pulling her from place to place and having to work so hard to stay focused and just become shitty because of it. Thank you again :)
I read...and listened to what you said
I just read what you had written a couple months back. However, sometimes it helps just to know there's someone out there that cares and is reading what you've shared. If I had any great words of wisdom, I surely would give them to you. Sadly, I don't...but I did want to say that I care. It appears we are in a similar situation. You saying you're a same sex couple has no bearing on emotional pain. Just know you're not alone and there surely are more that care than you know.
Kindest Regards
Pragmatist
I completely agree with this
I completely agree with this post. My question is how do you use this strategy when your non-ADHD partner accuses you of "running away from the problem" or says you're a "quitter"? I know I'm doing the right thing by trying to step away, but he just doesn't see it that way. I try to explain to him what I'm doing and why its the right thing to do, but to no avail. I still get accused of being a quitter and running away from the problem. I will say this, it did give me some hope when I read it takes a strong person to stop an argument before shit hits the fan. At least I know that now.
Hawaiianbluemoon15,
Hawaiianbluemoon15,
Sounds like your non-ADHD partner is just looking to bait you to stay in the fight. But it sounds like you know that that would not be wise. It's important that you share with him (when you are not in any way involved in an argument) that you are doing your best to keep things calm and rational. When you step away, you need to be sure that you are in a calm and rational place and not in any kind of a huff, because that may be what he is looking for, and it sounds like he will call you on it.
I really appreciate what you are doing your best to do, and it definitely does take a stronger person to walk away from an argument. You will have more respect for yourself as a result. I hope you can continue to stand your ground on this one, and not be persuaded to stay in the fight. Good for you to stay strong!
Nancie Kohlenberger, LMFT, Marriage Consultant
www.TransformURLife.com
Co-Author of The Couple's Guide for Thriving with ADHD
How long a break is too long?
Hawaiianblue15,
i'd like to comment as the non-ADHD partner. If your partners experience is the same as mine, perhaps he has had the experience that walking away from the topic at hand means never returning to it to be able to engage around it in a healthy way. I am all for stepping away to get clarity and process what has been said. But with my partner that means for hours and then when we do come back together there is no revisiting the issue that started the fight in the first place. If I bring it up again she tells me I am bumming her mood out again and all I want to do is fight! She says I am incapable of just letting it go....."God Heidi, just let it go!! Sure, I can let it go, but then there never is any growth as a couple, never learning more about each other, and never addressing and correcting so that the same "fight" happens over and over again (maybe just in different forms) and the same misperseptioms, name calling, and accusations get thrown out again. Not being able to come together with cooler heads and loving hearts has taken its toll on smashing the love, trust, connection and importance of our union. When you tell him we should take a break, do you give him a time for how long a break? Do you state, I am feeling flooded and can't process what is being said. I need 10 min, 30 min, and hour (what is reasonable? ( Everything I have heard is longer then an hour is destructive). ....do you ask for a time limit and then follow through with seeking him out to continue the healing? I noticed in one of our counsling sessions that my partner needed to make the "I am getting overwhelmed" sign mor frequently then I. This constent stopping of what I was sharing never allowed me to really get to that feeling place and speak honestly. I did not need to stop her as much and so she often was supported in reaching her truth and have me fully hear her and understand her. She, however, never had the opportunity with me. Most of the session was about me hearing her, before our time was up. Do People with ADHD experience flooding quicker and more often non-ADHD? A few questions I have, that might also help others: 1. Is it specific to each individual, or do those with ADHD tend to experience the feeling of flooding more often and quicker then those without ADHD? If so, might this explain why the non-ADHD partner has a hard time understanding why the disagreement has to "take a time out"? I know in my situation I don't see why a deep breath and a pause then continuing doesn't do the trick. 2. For is, when flooding occurs she begins to yell the worst things, make the worst accusations, becomes defensive and start deflecting. She no longer can hear me, feel me in terms of the loving caring person I am, and pushes against me by making me the enemy. Her anger increase to a degree that is uncontrollable. Fighting becomes unfair, destructive, and as she puts it "this is gonna get ugly". Is it the lack of filters that kick in? Because as angry as I may be about the fight....I don't call names or necessarily bring up old wounds or make character assassinations. 3. So when she says "we need to walk way because this is going to get ugly" (my response is, I don't see why it has to)....but should I take that as a cue that she is feeling overwhelmed and her filters or ability to fight fair is slipping away? And then, how long a break is fair? 4. This speaks to what hawaiiblue's partner might be experiencing......if I agree to a time out, we never come back together and continue discussing the topic. She asks for a time out, and then never comes back to me to express she has calmed down and is ready to connect calmly over this matter. It is like she is just running away from the issue and just wants to forget it exists....just wants to forget there where sting feelings on both sides. If I seek her out after a breather, she says all I want to do is fight. But that isn't true! An issue presented itself and I seek understanding and growth. I seek for it to not be an issue over and over and over again! I seek to not hide my head in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist. And years of this those of discussing things has caused a rift to grow wider and wider in our relationship, to the point that we are practically strangers and now she says she can't talk to me like she does her friends. They get to know her truth and I just get left in the dark....just get left out and we play the roles of spouses but it really is just co-existing together. Never truley connecting as the loving supportive and safe partners we were meant to be. The ones who have each other's back, the ones who are "us against the world" the ones who wouldn't intentionally cause the other pain or steer the other astray. This has affected our closeness, our quality of sex, our union, our partnership. Is it common for the ADHD partner to need a break sooner and more frequent the.n The non-ADHD partner? Is it common for that break to mean a long time even forever? If so, hkw does the non-ADHD partner ever get heard? I am happy to call a break when I feel she has lost her filters and it is getting ugly. But then I fear we will never come back to it! That we will never "talk" about it again. Do you know how many of my friends have said....."you need to talk with Her about that".....that's a joke! Because it always starts a fight and then I choose to just back down and not say anything. That is how I stop the flooding. And then all is well and peaceful in the house and we go back to a peaceful unreal co-existence........and end up loosing a part of myself and never fully connecting on that deep level with her. The one I use to connect with that safe, trusting and loving way.....when we first got together.
Running Away
I have to agree with Heidi that it sometimes feels like a way to avoid the topic as the non-ADHD partner. My husband would sometime disappear for hours at a time and we would never return to the topic until the next instance of "flooding." This would cause issues to mount up. We were good most of the time, but then we'd fight for what would feel like weeks straight, never dealing with the topic.
Returning to the "scene of the crime"
It's important to determine how important the topic is to be resolved. 70% of all conflicts do not really get resolved. So it's valuable to know that there may not be a true resolution to some arguments, and then it's O.K. to agree to disagree, as long as the love can win out. It's important to look at, "Am I just in this for the sake of a power struggle, or is there a really important issue here that needs resolution?" If it's the second, then when things are calm you can think about how you are feeling, and go back and speak from your feelings. For example, "When we fight about this, I feel sad, or disappointed, or whatever the feeling is." Then you are getting under the anger to what the true feeling is, which is what is most important anyway. It's valuable to know that anger is usually a superficial emotion, and there is just about always something else underneath the anger. Ie. sadness, disappointment, hurt, fear, overwhelm and sometimes we fight just because we are exhausted and triggered because we've just had too much on our plates for a long while and we feel like we can't take it any more.
So, it's important to get to what is under the anger in an argument. If you step back from the fight and figure that out, then you can get back together and really talk about what you were actually feeling. This will not necessarily resolve the argument, but it might make you feel better to air your feelings. It is good to do this fairly soon after the argument. Otherwise all the feelings fester, and then it is easier to get flooded the next time.
I wish you well.
Nancie Kohlenberger, LMFT, Marriage Consultant
www.TransformURLife.com
Co-Author of The Couple's Guide for Thriving with ADHD
Hubby disappeared for hours...?
That's exactly what my hubby does...exactly. However, I'd never heard it expressed before. The word "flooding" regarding trying to get back to a resolution is so appropriate, as that's a perfect descriptive. Good grief, if I even 'TRIED' to broach the subject...OMG! It was like a world war, until I walked out of the room. It literally felt, as if I stepped out of a boxing ring and left him fighting with himself as I was in a different room with the door shut. Every time within 10-15 minutes, with no one to argue with, it all quieted down. Nothing resolved, but at least the tornado was over. I'm now 600 miles away. We're separated. It was a mutual decision, as to the place I would be staying (that was a shocker). We both deeply love each other, yet, I have no idea how long this separation will be. Thanks for sharing what you did...it helped.
We're in the same boat!
Wow...I could relate to everything you said. However, I want to encourage you, although what we did may not be right for you. I just want to share what we BOTH decided would be the right thing to do for us at this time in our marriage. Yes, it does take a strong person to stop an argument. Yet, if someone would have told me I had that strength, I'd have called them a liar....but I did. It took a major crisis, but a change took place.
My hubby has ADHD (he's a medical professional). The decision to separate was made...mutually. Love was never an issue. We both deeply love each other. I was the one that left...on a mutually agreed upon place (that was a shocker). I'm now living 600 miles away, and with friends of 35 years. There's no screaming, arguing or constant anxiety. We are in communication, and it's been like falling in love all over again. I have no idea how long this separation will last. I've been here now for two months. Of course, it was me that left....since he's a medical professional, the hospital where he works wasn't going to let him take an extended leave of absence.
Since I have serious medical issues, I'm not about to go through this again...nor would be able to do so. However, I'm not budging until changes are implemted...including verification! One of the biggest obstacles was that every thing that was wrong was always my fault according to my hubby (even when I wasn't there). After being gone only three weeks, I heard from his sister that he'd really hit bottom with me gone. Yet, words are cheap. TRUST is earned! Love is given...but truly, trust is earned. Until trust is re-established, I'm staying put.
Don't allow yourself to get trapped up in the negative words spoken to or about you. You know what you know...keep that within your heart. Above all...know that other (including myself) care.