Can We Stop Beating Each Other Up?

Dear Melissa et al,

I,for one, would be extremely sad to see a 'private' section develop on this website for people with ADHD alone. Though I can understand this woman's request in the light of harsh,painful and difficult comments posted,I can not tell you how valuable reading both sides of the equation has been for me, and also for my marriage. My husband lives with ADHD at his present age of 71,diagnosed when 52. We have been together 15 years and married for 13. We met when I was 46 and he 56. Neither of us fully 'got' ADHD for a very long time. He had done some minimal reading (happily Hallowell's 'Driven to Distraction' which he introduced me to) and had been on Ritilin when living in the States,(where he's from) but went untreated for years once he came to live in Ireland,where we met and live. I understood very little about ADHD initially though working as a Psychotherapist. And of course we both started to 'act out' with each other the more the years together passed and ended up fighting an awful lot for a number of very painful years for both of us. During this time I read all that I could and found some very helpful information,which my husband ( being incredibly open) was always happy to share. It helped to some factual degree. But it wasn't until I stumbled upon this website that I FINALLY found MYSELF and MY BEHAVIOUR of anger and frustration reflected back to me in such a way that I no longer felt alone,mad,abnormal nor a harridan!. This stopped me in my tracks and brought huge relief to my 'over-wrought' system. AND reading the ADHD side of the dialogue was a VITAL part in my understanding more and more how my anger was being experienced and how it wasn't contributing anything constructive to the situation,in fact the opposite! I was contributing to wearing my husband's confidence into the ground and exhausting his nervous system. And we were caught in that vicious cycle of his 'reacting' to my reactions and visa versa. Thus Melissa's first book stepped in and gave us both a means of understanding and working with each other towards a much more even keel. I won't lie and say everyday is a dream day since then but,though we have our difficult moments, we are thankfully,living a totally different relationship than initially. So I would make an enormous plea to this particular woman to not 'sequester' off into 'separating privacy' for protection. PLEASE! Though the dialogue is, at times, very tough for each side to hear and experience, in my opinion it is invaluable and much more 'real' and thus relevant. Living with ADHD can be very difficult on both sides at times but its also incredibly rich for both parties once these difficulties can be worked through, and particularly if they can be loved through. I wouldn't trade my husband for all the 'tea in china' as they say, though both my husband and I identify with the sentiments of Billy Graham's wife Ruth when she joked 'I never consider divorce. Murder yes,but not divorce.'! Both my husband and I have grown in depth and breath since coming face to face with ourselves via the ADHD in our marriage. I have gone into therapy twice to work on my own responses and have been brought on a very deep, relevant,personal journey as a result. I am now studying Somatic Experiencing,a way of working with Trauma in the Body,spearheaded by Peter Levine,not specific to ADHD but invaluable generally (see 'healingtrauma.com')  This has helped both of us to understand some of the layers of 'activation' which we 'trigger' in each other,unwittingly. And through the whole journey I have gained invaluable understanding about living with ADHD from both sides that I've been able to help a number of my own patients,as well as educate other Psychotherapists whose work I clinically supervise.I will end now by reiterating that I would not have learned or gained so much if it weren't for BOTH sides of the dialogue being available to me. I continue to benefit from the same, as this website as well as Melissa's books and advice, I have found to be the most practical on an everyday basis. With deep gratitude, Marych in Ireland. 

My observation is that the community forum goes in waves – sometimes the give and take between those with and without ADHD is supportive and constructive, at other times just the opposite. 

I completely agree with your assessment, having been around this site for several years.  

I must admit that sometimes I feel disrespected by some of the comments.  I almost responded to one the other day but decided I was angry and it was not worth it  (Take THAT, impulsivity!).    Some of them are not simply acknowledgements that we have a neurological disorder that causes ingratiating and sometimes infuriating behavior, but rather almost an assertion that we are mostly simpletons or morally bereft.  And yes, I have some posts and comments in mind.   Sometimes, when the ball gets rolling on a topic, there is a "THEM" vs. "US" flavor.  It's not about a particular poster's DH, but the whole lot of ADHDers.    I usually have a pretty high tolerance as I realize it's not personal and also because I DO UNDERSTAND that much of this comes from a deep, deep pain.  But whomever wrote to you is not alone in feeling this way about some of the comments.  I feel like when I joined this site, there was much more positivity, and we helped each other more, IN SPITE OF our collective pain.  If I was deeply in a marriage crisis today and had just found this site, I might be more likely not to post and perhaps even run in the other direction.  

I'm not sure how I feel about segregating us.  I do like to learn from the non-ADHD contributors.  It helps me understand my husband better.  I also agree that we could do a better job of helping each other make better choices, and learn about our own contributions to the issues in our marriages .

I hope this makes sense.

ADHDMomof2

I think there is merit to both, but this also depends on what you are looking for and you're ability to hear it....if you are ready to hear it whether it is the cold hard truth or not.  I haven't been here long so I don't feel I have much of a voice in this matter....but  I will say that I came here to listen to the very thing that that your reader did not want to hear or was not seeing the benefit from it.  Much of what I have observed is people needing to vent or have a supportive hear that thy can relate to.  Sometimes people need to do that.  It may not be constructive or useful information but at least it's connecting with someone who can understand what you are going through.

For me...I've had to fight the urge to defend having ADHD and find different words to use even though I'm sure my language is clear enough to hear this at times anyway.  It's been good practice for me to do this which again....also helps me put this to use in my marriage.

I don't get that this is a support group style forum exclusively, but it definitely is for some people.  I'm OK with that.....it just takes a little more digging and wading through the moral support parts to get to the heart of the matter.  I know some of my posts might have appeared out of context to support alone  but I also realize that some one like myself might be looking for the very thing I have to say whether it's being supportive or just informative....or neither?

For me...it has been helpful at times just to say the things that are in my head to someone instead of of my dog.  He always listens but isn't great with helpful feedback.....unless licking my face counts for that. lol

Thanks

J

This is an open forum that has been active for many years.  We all agree that as long as we are as respectful as we can be, when discussing such an emotionally painful subject as living with an ADHD partner, we need to be able to say what's on our minds.

Perhaps, if this woman is offended, she simply should not come here.  I know that sounds horribly rude, but if it is hurtful to her, as I can well comprehend it may be, then this just isn't the right fit for her.

I have lurked here a while, even posted a couple of times, but I must say that reading what both sides have to say has helped me more than any advice I've received. My husband's symptoms are somewhat different than the majority of ADHDers seem to have. He is a very quiet, gentle man who never complains. Knowing what's going on in his head is extremely difficult and until I came to this site I didn't have a clue. I can see myself in many posters behavior towards the anger, hurt and frustration they feel, but I never realized I was doing the same until I read their posts. That made me step back and say, whoa, I need to change that. On the other side, I get terrific insight from the ADHD post, whether they are positive or negative. I ask my husband does he do this or does he feel that, and again, it helps me adjust my views and reactions. Our relationship has improved tremendously over the last year or so, though it is far from perfect. I have done so much research on dealing with ADHD but in the end it wasn't my husband that needed fixing...it is me. Thank you so much to all the posters.