Keeping ADHD Awareness Week Positive

For about a year now (or maybe it just feels like a whole year) I've been coming to this site.  Sometimes it's for support, sometimes it's for validation.  Most of the time it's because I don't know what to do and I need help.  I am the non-ADD spouse, married (for the most part) to the very best friend I've ever had (diagnosed when he was a child).  So, it never seemed right to introduce myself to this group with frustration, anger, and despair.  Even though ADD has brought really tough trials to our relationship, I'd be afraid if all of a sudden it disappeared.... it may take with it something I adore!  I'm not sure how many of them are directly or indirectly connected to ADD, but here's a couple of the things I love.  I remember there are about 2 to 3 times a year where I walk around picking my jaw up off of the floor.  For hours, a man who normally isn't what would be considered organized or motivated to do the tedious, will be sitting at the kitchen table doing the most boring and tedious of his tasks....until it's completely done!  (Even without ADD, I truly despise the tedious things and put them off as long as I can.  When I seen him doing this, I'M motivated to do something tedious from my list).   My DH is beyond funny, I can't tell you how many times I've laughed until my body and face ached.  The times I've laughed the hardest, it wasn't even his intention to be funny. (I don't know if this is just him, or ADD has a part.  All I know is this happens A LOT).  DH loves to work, and he's very good at what he does.  I'm not in the IT field, but I know he rocks at his job because EVERY SINGLE TIME I'm invited to a work function I've been approached by his boss, his boss' boss, the CFO or the CEO of the company.  They tell me how grateful they are for him, how grateful they are for me to let them have him so much. He really is a wonderful provider (which I attribute to his hyperfocus?), and the high he gets from taking care of his family (to the point where I'm free to stay home with the kids) is always such a huge boost to his self esteem.  And I love watching him walk a few inches off of the ground while that high lasts, it makes my heart smile.  Of course, I can't help to love it when his hyperfocus makes it's way back to me.  The amount of love and affection that's showered on me is amazing!  I feel more beautiful than Angelina Jolie, funnier than Jim Carrey, and WAY more interesting than The Most Interesting Man in the World.  It's so wonderfully intense that I feel like I "have it all", the limitations of reality don't exist (Ok, so things like gravity are still in place.  But what successes we're capable of as a family, a couple, and as individuals are limitless.  We can do it all!).  It feels so good to be drunk on love.  Through all of the hardships and struggles, I know that without a shred of doubt that this man that I have known for nearly half of my life now, is my match.  My love for him transcends ADD, as does his love for me.  It always has and I'm certain that it always will.  I'm determined to do whatever I need to and I am confident that we will be a success story, similar to Melissa or Arwen. 

I thank Melissa, Dr. Hallowell, and every single person to have contributed to this site.  This is a beautiful place, and I've been able to take from here so much more than I will ever be able to return. 

I am waiting until October...but please remind me of this Melissa when the time comes. I do want to contribute to this thread.

 Dear Hubby,

Thank you for pointing out what I have not been able to see in myself.  Getting here has hurt.  I have wanted to run from you, your words.  I have wanted to scream, cry, never get out of bed again.  I had pushed you from me, pushed our friends away, performed poorly at work, and hurt my kids. 

I would not have been able to turn this crap around had it not been for you sticking it out with me.  You are a hero for wanting to preserve, grow, and enrich ourselves, each, and together. 

Thank you. 

The most wonderful, important thing about my husband (and it always has been) is his offbeat sense of humor.  I grew up in a somewhat unusual family, where my father and brother (both quick-witted Mensa-types) effectively played what could be called "Xtreme Punning" whenever they were together, so I was brought up with a lot of very weird humor.  My husband is the only other man I've ever met who "got" their humor, could join in with them sometimes, and could joke with me on the same kind of basis (although at my speed, which is a bit slower than my dad and bro, thank goodness!).  He also loves to tell "shaggy dog" stories (so much that he mostly remembers how they go, even when they are really convoluted).  When we were newly married and abysmally poor, we could make our own entertainment, and what a great way for our kids to learn vocabulary!  Humor has played a huge role in keeping us together.

I really don't know whether his humor is related to his ADHD or not -- his ADHD dad and brother enjoy puns but just don't quite have his facility with them -- they come up with stuff that's amusing, but nothing that makes me want to shout with laughter the way my hubby does.  I think maybe his sense of humor is uniquely his own -- but I also suspect the ADHD helps him see humor where others don't.

I love how hard my husband tries.  We only just found out that he has ADHD but even when we didn't know why he did things he still worked with me to come up with compromises and solutions.  Sometimes I get so frustrated but then I remember how lucky I am that I have someone who is willing to accept that they need help and willing to work at making our marriage better.  I may not have asked to have a husband with ADHD but I'm am so happy to have a husband that works hard and never gives up on us or himself.

My husband is the best father.  He coaches their sports teams, he never misses a school concert or parent/teacher conference if he can help it, his schedule is more flexible so he usually stays at home with them when they are sick.  He even bakes them cupcakes for their birthday parties at school :)  He plays with them like he is one of their peers and it's so much fun to see him down on the floor rolling around with them, kids all over his back and holding onto legs or chasing them around the yard... He has bounds of energy and sometimes even I, the old stick in the mud, get caught up in the fun.  The thing that always gets me the most though is when he sits down with our frustrated daughter, who also has ADHD, and talks about how he understands what she is going through and that she is okay and gives her ideas to help make life a little easier to deal with.  My heart wants to burst it's so full of love for him.  He really is the BEST father and I think sometimes his ADHD is a big part of the reason why. 

I really appreciate this attitude from my spouse.  Sometimes he doesn't understand *how* to help, and sometimes he doesn't *realize* that someone around him needs help, but whenever he knows about someone's problem and they let him know his help is needed or would be appreciated, he jumps right in "to the rescue".   It doesn't matter whether it's something really important like administering first aid or CPR, or whether it's a little thing like letting the dog out to pee.  During the holidays, he's up for yeoman's duty to get the house clean and ready and decorated, even though he's tired and he doesn't necessarily like doing it at the moment -- he knows how very much his contribution is wanted and appreciated, and he feels a real sense of reward for his efforts (deserved!).  Occasionally he'll procrastinate excessively if he's asked to help with something he *really* dislikes (in the hope it will go away, I think!), but he never *ever* whines or complains.  If I'm stuck on a problem, he's willing to share ideas, or even take on himself whatever particular part I'm having trouble with.  He loves to explain and teach, with patience and good humor.

As with his sense of humor, it's difficult to see what part of this is connected to his ADHD, but I suspect that it's related to his enthusiasm for trying new things, his extremely detailed knowledge about things he's interested in (that provides a basis for resourcefulness), and perhaps too-rare pleasure (when he was a youngster) at feeling like he was *good* at/for something.

I'm very grateful for his good heart and his wish to lend a hand when asked.

Neverending energy and enthusiasm. He's definitely a "go big or go home" sort of guy and everyone needs that sometimes.

My hubby is the smartest and most dynamic person I have ever met.  That man knows something about everything.  I swear I have never seen him read a book but if I ask him to tell me about any classic novel he can run through the whole thing.  It's like all he does is lay his hand on the cover and he absorbs the story.  It's sickening :)  He says it's because of the hyper-focus, he becomes so "obsessed with anything he finds interesting that he learns everything about it and since his interests change so quickly he knows a little about a lot of things".  I can't say that I would want to be ADHD but I certainly wouldn't mind having that SUPER brain of his sometimes.  I'm lucky if I can remember my own name some days. 

My DH is awesome with any kids...mine, his, the neighbors.  He has this ability to relate to and teach them that is short of amazing.  A quick lets throw the ball around, turns into a 3 hours flag football game!

My husband knows all of my favorites (food, restaurants, candy, drinks, wine, etc) and with quite a bit of consistency will surprise me with one of them. I texted him one day all excited about some Cotton Candy Mini Muffins Wal-mart had and he said "I know you love Cotton Candy" and I replied "I know you do, and I love you for knowing"

Periodically, my DH will stop all conversation, thought, or action just to tell me that I look incredibly beautiful to him in that moment.  I love the way he looks at me when he does this.... I blush and my heart flutters.  The connection, the giving and receiving of love... its' all very mushy, I know.  But I love and soak in every sickeningly sweet second of it!