20 Ideas for Fun

Joy in Marriages with ADHD

Treatment and communication skills are only part of the process of improving your marriage. Research shows that another really important thing to do is HAVE FUN! By replacing “down” times with “up” times you create new patterns and new pathways in your brain that support growing and continued happiness. To spur you on, I have created a list of fun activities you might try!

Take up a new sport together. Tennis, squash, paddle tennis and (sometimes) running can all be done as a couple.
If you are really intrepid, take up golf.
Go to the local water sports center and learn to sail, canoe or kayak
Take dance lessons (salsa and tango can be fun and funny!) then go out to a dance club when you "graaduate".
Go to “skid school” or driving school together.
Go camping.
Take a hike in the woods or around the neighborhood (walking and talking is a great way to learn to appreciate each other again!)
Explore that historic area near home that you’ve always wondered about.
Play “Wii” together (tennis, golf, bowling games are fun) or find a car racing video game and see who can run the other off the road faster!
If you’re young enough to stand it, play paintball or laser tag with your kids.
Take cooking lessons as a pair (the man in the couple will get lots of accolades for attending!) then alternate cooking romantic meals for each other (don’t forget the candles – be as corny as you want!)
Volunteer for a local church, nursing home, pre-school, senior center, or English as a second language program.
Rent a camper and go on the road for a couple of weeks.
Learn to ski (downhill or cross country).
Try a day at the racetrack or speedway (agree ahead of time what your gambling limit might be, or this could turn into a very bad day!)
Join an orienteering or cycling club for an outing. Take some friends.
Ride bikes to someplace fun for lunch.
Walk on the beach (or in your nearby park) and watch the sun set.
Pick a place you’ve never been, and go there, just for the heck of it.
Spruce up your sex life by putting a months worth of “sex dates” on your calendar, then trying something new and different each time (take turns leading)

You’ll notice that these ideas have a few things in common – they are “new”, they are “active” and many are light or silly. New or active things are more likely to keep the attention of an ADD spouse, silly is just one more way to lighten up. In addition, those that include exercise will make you feel physically better as well as mentally.

Do you have some fun activities you would like to add to the list?

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fun activities spontaneity

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Allocating Funds

I am not married yet, but need advice on where to allocate a significant donation for research on ADHD. I am a physician assistant recently diagnosed Adult ADHD. I want to give back to research so we can get a better grip on screening for ADHD and research towards testing, treatment, etc.... What research is needed in your opinion? Where can I allocate my funds to? Thanks

Research on ADD

I'm not on top of that, but perhaps you should call the Hallowell Center with that question (the receptionist won't know, but might be able to put you in touch with someone who does). They are at 978-287-0810. In fact, talk with Dr. Hallowell himself, as they sometimes do research when funding becomes available, and might wish to speak with you directly about your interests to see if they might dovetail with what the Center does. If you can't get him on the phone, write back here and I'll send you his email address.

Also, I would think that CHADD or ADDA might have some thoughts on that.

Melissa Orlov

They're great ideas. I have

They're great ideas. I have a hell of a time getting my spouse to try anything new, as the new and unfamiliar tends to get him quite freaked. Don't get me wrong, he will try new things, but it tends to be in a sudden burst after long periods of refusing to even consider a change. In hindsight I can see all kinds of changes he's made: he's taken up exercise, changed his diet to a healthier version, is attempting a sleep schedule - but they've all been made after me talking about how useful and helpful they would be (and I mean lots - months or years) and trying to do it in a way he wouldn't see as directive or manipulative - not easy, as he'd say he'd like me to tell him one way, then get upset when I did. We worked really hard for about 15 years on communication and social skills because I could see we had problems there, and we're both committed to making positive changes in our life. But it's always an uphill struggle for me to make changes something positive and not to just give up. Some years ago we had sex therapy because we were only making love once every few weeks or months - he'd forget, or come up with a host of physical symptoms (tiredness, stomach upsets) that I now recognize as side-effects of the AD/HD - when he gets anxious or feels pressured, he gets an upset stomach, and he's permanently tired from the effort of focusing. He was diagnosed as ADHD as a kid, but his parents refused to accept the diagnosis. He's only just getting to the point where he accepts that it fits him like a glove. But even setting dates for love-making or doing other activities doesn't work - he changes his mind, forgets even when they're marked on the calendar and I've reminded him, and when it comes up that it's been ages since we made love or went out and what can we do to remedy this and make sure we're both on the same page, he's surprised and defensive, no matter how gentle I am. I've tried online calendars linked together + a big calendar on the wall at the end of the stairs + a reminder that pops up on his desktop (he's an IT guy) + notes + reminding him in person. He's real enthusiastic about getting organized, but then forgets to check any of the elements we have in place. So planning? Great idea. Not so easy. I'm wondering if medication would help him with the focusing so we could get on with the lifestyle part of dealing with things.

Would Med Help?

I always say right up front whenever I address meds that I am not a doctor, and the best person to answer these questions is, of course, a doctor.

That said, it sounds as if your husband might really benefit from trying meds. You mention both trouble initiating things, remembering things, and also some anxiety. All of these things can be addressed with medication.

Dr. H likes to remind people of three things as it relates to meds:

no one but the person taking the meds should be in charge of whether or not he/she takes meds (i.e. it's his body, he should make the decision)
most of these meds have been around for ages and are well known. Trying them is pretty low risk as meds go. They also go out of your body quickly if you don't like them or they have side effects you don't like
not taking meds has its own side effects. For kids, not taking the meds can have the side effect of doing more poorly in school than they might otherwise do, and having the attendant self-esteem issues that causes. In your case, I would suggest that the side effect of your husband not trying meds is that he may be putting your marriage (and certainly your sex life) at risk.

His doctor can talk with him about specific side effects of various potential meds he might try. I, at leastt, would suggest he consider it. If he does, remember that the meds are only a tool to allow some basic things to change (ability to focus, lessened anxiety,etc) and that he'll then need to work on logistics, such as scheduling lovemaking. The meds will, hopefully, simply make that easier.

Melissa Orlov

Thanks for your reply - it

Thanks for your reply - it makes a lot of sense to me. We've just moved, so you can imagine the upheaval there. And it's transatlantic. I've been looking up ADD resources here in the UK, and there's hardly anything for adults that I can find. I'm concerned about how a doctor will handle being faced with an ADD adult over here, but we've talked about it a lot, and decided we'll go together, armed with printouts and information, and really emphasize that we're committed to working on this. Now all I have to do is work out whether it's better to let him get round to making the appointment or doing it myself! But I do feel more hopeful, so thanks again.

Which Med?

I am a 42 year-old father of three, successful cardiologist, husband of a family practice physician, diagnosed with ADD 5 months ago. I've titrated onto Straterra 100mg daily and definitely notice more alertness and less need for caffeine all day, every day. But I struggle with being emotionally present, connecting with my wife and kids despite taking lots of time off (now working 4 days a week and taking 12 weeks off per year) and spending vacations together, coaching soccer, etc. In reading through this blog I'm convinced that my condition won't ever resolve, but how should I know whether to accept Straterra's moderate benefit which has taken 5 months to work up to, or shift to Adderal or something else?

Comments

Allocating Funds

Research on ADD

They're great ideas. I have

Would Med Help?

Thanks for your reply - it

Which Med?

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