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by: Swedish coast -
You deserve kindness and an honest heart in your partner. If she’s very conflicted in her feelings, giving you hot and cold treatment, that’s not a sign of enduring love. The future with her should feel safe. You should be able to trust her. You shouldn’t ever be manipulated.>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: J -
This is something I haven't said before now. In context to everything I've heard, heard mentioned, odd statements from her daughter in law, her daughter in law herself, a certain "feeling" , everyone knows something but aren't openly saying it. This includes a somewhat incomplete explanation from my SO about the therapy she received, moments of recognizing she does things like gaslighting and immediately acknowledges when she does. Actually apologizing when I pointed out that it's abuse...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: J -
The issue for me is not necessarily the cheating. It's whether that person has learned from it, and has remorse that they made a mistake. Are they series cheaters, who have a life long pattern of cheating? Opportunists, when no one is looking? Or did they do it, at a specific time or place for a specific reason....with no pattern of cheating? I myself, have cheated in a different context, in the past. I wasn't married ( so I told myself or rationalized it was okay ) ...if your not...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: J -
I awoke this morning immediately thinking about something she said the other night when we were discussing our future together. She was pretty adamant about me not wanting to have these "talks" about anything to do with my therapy and what I've learned....or my feelings. Several times, she's stopped me when anything had to do with her. As I pointed out, I can't talk about issues I'm having , without referring to you at times? I do have to be very careful, not to insinuate or imply blame on her part...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: Swedish coast -
I wouldn’t live with someone who’s cheated in the past. Lying would also be unacceptable to me. Abuse I’ve found is not always clear cut (raising voice when emotions run high, does that count?). But still. If you feel she abuses you, that is not acceptable. The core of a relationship to me is trust. You’ve written you’re uncertain of whether you trust her. I wouldn’t recommend you accept the cheating, the lying or the conflict management. It all sounds wrong to me. I’d say: get out.>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: J -
What it amounts to is a roommate but still on her terms. If abide by the house rules, everything is fine. You could look at that part as getting a great place to live that is spotlessly clean, in a nice neighborhood and beautiful area to live in. The rent is reasonable, the job duties are fair, there's really nothing on the logistics end that you can complain about? With nice cats even! So from a roommate standpoint, there's even a warm body to sleep next to. Sometimes a little affection (...>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m sorry J. I didn’t realize she was so disinterested in your connection and intimacy. It sounds like your relationship is not very rewarding for either of you. I’m afraid you will get hurt, trying so hard to adapt to her wishes but not getting much from it. When my ADD ex and I were living through the last painful months, there was so little left of what we used to share, we couldn’t even sync for a cup of coffee. We were both exhausted from trying hard for so long without rewards....>>> on Forum topic - Cycles and Patterns
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by: Swedish coast -
About the new freedom you mentioned. I think considering ADD in all pursuits during the marriage (this he can’t do, this will be too much, maybe if I do it myself the kids can still have this etcetera) has made me hesitant and anxious. I can’t embrace infinite opportunity yet. I expect disaster. I feel limits to my own capacity. My knees shake at the notion of freedom. I used to be confident and adventure-loving before marriage. All I want at this point is security. Right after divorce,...>>> on Forum topic - Emptiness
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by: J -
Something you said caught my eye Eliej, so bear with me because I have a few things to say. I'm obviously not the "they" you're referring to but I also have ADHD. I'm not, because I've been to therapy and stayed with it for 15 years. I'm now, continuing my education because learning is a lifelong process. It never ends...and there's never such a thing as too much learning in that respect. So, how am I, not the "they", but have ADHD both at the same time? What's the difference? The difference is...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: sickandtired -
Your comment about being just another unfinished project hit me hard, because it is SO TRUE. A major symptom of adhd is hyperfocus, which is the fascination with something new, but then over time that new thing isn’t so new any more, and the person loses interest, and moves on to the next fascinating new object. We are just objects to them. And when a new object comes along, their focus shifts toward it. You will never get that hyperfocus back that once made you fall in love with him, that made you...>>> on Forum topic - House renovation to infinity
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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you. You clearly know what you’re talking about. Isn’t it funny I always thought myself independent? Decided at a young age I would rather have no romantic relationship than a bad one, and lived according to that. But I was used to getting a lot of attention from men, and now there’s none. Even my ADD husband, dysfunctional though the marriage was, always expressed deep love for me. It’s almost like I can’t live without that external gaze on me. My young self would have scoffed at...>>> on Forum topic - Emptiness
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by: sickandtired -
Maybe you are looking at the glass half empty rather than half full. You have your freedom now, and you don’t seem comfortable about what to do next. You have unlimited possibilities now rather than being merely an unappreciated caregiver. Please try to embrace your freedom. Do you know that abused women are typically uncomfortable with people who treat them with respect because they are still so used to being disrespected? They have a familiar reaction to disrespect, but are at a loss how to react to...>>> on Forum topic - Emptiness
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by: J -
I think I know, but I'm not really sure? Was over at my SO's kids this weekend to see the babies. Both her son and daughter in law have ADHD. But her daughter in law does something I've never really witnessed before. Not exactly at least? Which is why I'm asking ? Two examples: Yesterday, I asked her son a question about his work. He begins to answer, and his wife will finish the thought for him. This isn't...finishing his sentence ( impulsively ) by adding the correct word...>>> on Forum topic - Over Explaining
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by: J -
Hyperthyroidism. It does run in my family. Remembering.>>> on Forum topic - More Connections and a Doctor Visit
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by: SVDH -
Ichabod, and all the others if you happen to read this, I hope you are doing well and found a way to improve your life for you and your spouse. What a frustrating feeling it is to instigate such hurtful and frustrating feelings within your partner, or be on the receiving end of this Like you Ichabod, I have a very similar problem with staring at women. Countless occasions and dates I ruined by looking at some women's derriere. I recognize your story, and so do I recognize the...>>> on Forum topic - Too aware of other women
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by: Swedish coast -
You asked did I feel powerless in the relationship? Yes, but not in an outward sense. It looked like I was the dominant one, having things my way, but in reality I was forced to single-handedly make all choices for a good life for the five of us. I never wanted this. I wanted discussion, preferences stated, compromises. ADHD does make a non-partner powerless. It’s a very accurate observation. You can’t make it change. You can’t make your partner see your needs if it challenges their capacity too...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: dottiecool -
Hi Swedishcoast; I had to apply what you said about the ADHD partner reclaiming their self esteem to my fiance. It made me pause and think about all the red flags in our relationship where he has deflected and even so much as denied reality to maintain his self esteem and pride and ego. For example, even though we cancelled our wedding, he came back from holiday(which was supposed to be our honeymoon) and told his coworkers that he was married and it was wonderful. Another instance, one of...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: Elliej -
In my experience they will put up a huge fight to get us, but not to keep us. When we eventually loose patience and tire of being treated like garbage, they get defensive, insular and blameshift. I initually put this down to narcissism but i dont think thats it. I think its an ingrained ADHD entitlement. They would rather we put the effort in, because guess what.....thats how its always been. So why now do they have to do enormous work when they stopped doing the little efforts? In my experience, they...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m so sorry your engagement is broken and you believe your ex fiancé hasn’t been sincere. I believe the ADHD partner can often be oblivious to the pain they cause. And even when they do realize it, they forget it, or rationalize it (they focus on their own (presumed greater) pain or determine your requests are impossible for them and therefore unfair). It’s my experience when faced with the uncomfortable truth of their own actions, and the moral implications of them, they may rather...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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by: dottiecool -
Hi EllieJ; I simply cannot understand why our partners won't go or put up a huge fight about going. Sometimes I think it is a pride thing. I am so angry and full of rage because my fiance won't go. Eight years we have been together and doesn't that mean anything? Yesterday I broke the engagement and 8 years seems to have just gone up in flames!! I am so angry and hurt and feel so powerless because his unfinished house from the past, at least, 12 years holds all the power over me and over...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD and aversion to therapy
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