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by: Swedish coast -
This man whose judgment you don't trust is your romantic partner and also your doctor. I'm concerned you are risking your health here in a double sense. You said it yourself. You want to be safe and honored. Since you care for him, leaving will be painful. Still I can't say I disagree with the thought you shared about being abused. Then it's necessary. I've divorced someone to whom I had a strong bond in the last year. I did it for lack of trust. It's been soul-crushing, but it was much needed. I don't...>>> on Forum topic - A Story, or Seeking Courage to Leave
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by: Swedish coast -
He's wrong if he thinks medication or not is his individual decision. Clearly he has no idea of the impact his behavior has on you. Or else he is terribly inconsiderate. This not realizing impact is such a common misconception in ADHD husbands I believe. Catterfly recommended a book called This Is Where Your Marriage Ends. It's about how decisions repeatedly made with no consideration for a partner will slowly kill the marriage. I believe every word of that theory. The dissolution of trust is the...>>> on Forum topic - Husband Has Stopped Taking Meds
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by: Swedish coast -
Actually just stepped off the dance floor, soaking. Have been having poetic strange conversations with unknown colleagues all night. All right. So I haven't forgotten how to enjoy myself fully, and be entirely relaxed, and playful with strangers. It's funny how every moment is so true in itself, and seems to point forward to infinity. A week ago I could never have pictured this. I haven't danced for years. But for instance a party can obviously change everything in a few hours. Thank you all for...>>> on Forum topic - Social energy
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by: Elliej -
Hi Swedish You have shown resilience in the most difficult time of your life. A time that i hope never darkens you again. Thank you for the support you have also given this group. Im not that active anymore, but we are in similar situations so i often check in to see how you are. Each day you grow stronger, though the residual pain and scars linger. Keep going. You deserve peace x>>> on Forum topic - Happy
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by: J -
I not only got close to having that conversation...I actually did it and while I was upset. This was not a planned thing mind you....this was me, expressing my anger and concerns without blowing up ( in the moment ). I actually told her what was on my mind and why I was angry instead of reacting. I did react a little by taking my hearing aids out and telling her to not try and talk to me because "I can't hear you". As a critique on myself, that was about the only thing I did wrong. What prompted this...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: J -
To have found someone who shares so much in common with me. I feel we are the best of friends and as I said before, I really like her. I'd rather be around her than just about anyone else much of the time And because of this, I treat her according. We don't argue...we don't fight. For most things concerned, and in most areas ...we are very compatible. And even more recently....I've stopped pursuing her and giving her plenty of space as she's asked for. I respected her boundaries...and sure enough, she...>>> on Forum topic - Something Else
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by: Swedish coast -
Hello J, Sometimes an environment seems to shape a person in ways that might be invisible to themselves. For me, it was impossible to ever relax around my ex husband. It wasn't that he willfully avoided housework or anything like that. It was just the difference in our respective natural impulses. He seldom felt the need to start something, take on challenges, think of ways to enjoy himself or the family, or reach out to other people. Every Saturday morning, I awoke in distress, because I knew this day...>>> on Forum topic - Something Else
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by: Swedish coast -
I'm aghast to hear she still lives with you and doesn't want to move out. I hope this will soon be sorted for your sake. I know how it feels to be used for convenience.>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: J -
that comment was aimed at myself as much as anyone...including my SO who has trouble with accountability in certain areas. She's also very responsible and takes care of the household extremely well, pay bills on time etc. But, if you get even close to having a conversation about anything she's done to hurt me or her own criticism and judgement...you get met with defensiveness and anger. We're on the same page.>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: c ur self -
I've lived with the same laziness, the same childish selfishness...I have choose to for over 15 years...(recently asked her to move back to her empty house) Just hoping and praying her eye's would open one day,..Burdened down w/ no communication ability as it relates to her own behaviors, because of the locked mind of denial and blame... The longer I read posts like yours, and look at the story of my life, along w/just watching the struggles of others married into situations like ours.....The more clear...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: 1Melody1 -
I'm far from perfect and have done countless things wrong in my life, but when untreated ADHD is at the heart of relational problems, I don't think it makes sense to blame the person who has tried tirelessly for years to solve to the problems (alone). The OP is doing everything and when she approaches her husband rationally and vulnerably, instead of taking accountability, he blames her for her approach, timing, attitude, etc. Honestly captured the insult to injury this adds best in her comment. Sorry, but...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: LS89 -
Thank you all so much for your lovely comments and tips, I really feel like I have been heard and listened to and I relate so much to what you are all saying. I am sorry that you have gone/going through this along with me. I had it out with my husband last night and he seemed to understand but we've had this conversation before. I keep reading your comments and they really resonate with me and I don't feel I'm completely alone in this now. So thank you. I will keep reading your comments and using your...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: J -
and I'll show you a person who believes they've done nothing wrong." Hi 1Melody1 I thought of this saying when I read what you said here. Reflecting on this a bit.>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: honestly -
and IMHO, the blame is the worst of it. You bite your tongue and you carry the load and you just get on with it because you have to. Then you put a foot wrong, say something that can be perfectly neutral and calm, but their RSD kicks in and guess what, and you are a monster. Critical and cruel. The rest of the world might think you are the nicest person they've ever met but at home you are a b***h. So you have to carry that too, along with everything else. It's horrible. In my experience, the effects are...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: Swedish coast -
This is an unacceptable situation. I've divorced an ADD partner and have experiences in common with you and Melody. I know no saint who would endure what you describe. The thing about ADHD-non marriage is the spouses can exist each in their own universe. These universes can have little in common. Expectations, needs and ambitions don't cross between the two worlds. So your ADHD partner may have the best intentions, but can still wreck your life and your health. You may do everything possible to convey...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: J -
but life isn't fair. Hi LS89, This must be so hard for you and I understand what you're feeling right now. What I just said about life not being fair is one of the self talk tools I use to help give me perspective sometimes, especially when I start slipping into a negative spiral. I can help answer your question about is this normal for ADHD relationships, the negativity part, and the answer is: it's common for an ADHD person to have a negative attitude about themselves ( the relationship with...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: 1Melody1 -
It's definitely time to lay the blame where it belongs and absolve yourself. It's not about you doing too much or your approach or your explanations or your expectations or your timing. It's about the fact that it's SO much easier for him to blame those things than take accountability for the fact that HE'S not being a partner to you. Full stop. If he wants to keep this relationship, he needs to address the ADHD symptoms that are destroying the marriage... and destroying you. That means meds and therapy...>>> on Forum topic - Non Adhd Spouse Vent
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by: J -
I mentioned saying "I don't know" when asked why I did something like that, when I actually do know ( now ). In the past, I really didn't know so that was an honest answer. Yes, I could say "I forgot" over and over ...which eventually starts feeling like you're being badgered. It becomes obvious after so many times of saying "I forgot" ..then why keep on asking? But, after what I said , is it actually forgetting....or something else? I believe it falls under the "something else" category from my...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD spouse venting
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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you all for extending your generosity to me. In hopes we'll all have more serene moments of happiness.>>> on Forum topic - Happy
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by: Swedish coast -
And yes, it's logical to me, since you describe high expectations on yourself, that you would not be able to let go entirely of your expectations of a spouse. It's contrary to your own values, your work ethic. Easy to understand.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD spouse venting
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